*if you dont want my personal struggles or have issues with suicide, dont read this. there is nothing in here about foster care, except for me, the person that *survived* it.
i just got up from laying on the floor with one hand on Moonlight and one hand holding my 38 special. my dog Moonlight has been in the hospital…. because she is old, has a chronic autoimmune disorders, and some other shit going on. if you are new to my blog, you missed my blogs about Moonlight. shame.
i am devestated
it hurts to breathe.
the vet said “the battle is being lost.”
it’s been a long battle for Moonlight. old readers would remember the blogs when she was diagnosed with her autoimmune disorder. some of you told me how to cook better for her. now she won’t eat…
i told Dr. Val, my therapist, that maybe i would give her the cylinder (part that holds the bullets) of my revolver. i think she hates guns. i can’t shoot it if i give it to her. no i am NOT going to shoot Moonlight….. i’m going to shoot myself when i lose her. that’s why Dr. Val would get the cylinder…
but then i realized i lose control if i give it to her. it’s almost like she would have the right to decide if i live or die… because she has the cylinder.
i like Dr. Val. …. …. but should she get the control?
Dr. Val told me all my crying and sadness is grief and that THIS shows that i can attach…. because if i wasnt attached to Moonlight, i wouldn’t care about what happens to her and wouldn’t be crying. i guess that was a way of Dr. Val trying to get me to see something positive.
My shrink wants me to email her everyday. thats hard. i like her though, even though she called the cops on me when i dissociated and ran off.
tomorrow when Moonlight comes home from the vets, will be big…. cause she can’t be on fluid treatment forever… she has to eat. tomorrow is the….. ….. ….. the rest of this weekend is…. ….. …. …. ….. …..
Moonlight is like me, a wounded warrior…. except she is tougher than me. her eyes are so soulful that it is like looking into past lives over and over again, some good and some bad. when i found her, the vets told me to put her down cause she would bite… and fight. but i got her. i got her. she was surviving the best she knew how. she still bites me sometimes. i think
she is we are tired of fighting….