right now i am really lonely and im scared. im constantly fighting with Dr Val and tomorrow is halloween. i hate halloween. i usually hide all night under my blanket with some reese peanut butter cups or laffy taffy praying no-one rings my doorbell. i dont hate halloween because of the zombies and witches and ghosts, i hate halloween because the costumes hide people, so you can’t really tell who it is.
i dont care if the costume is spongebob or if it is dracula, its the idea that someone is hiding behind that mask and clothes that terrifies me.
lately Dr. Val has not really wanted to talk about my feelings… everything is becoming intellectualized. for example, Dr Val would say that i should NOT be afraid at halloween becuase my biofather has not found me after all these years, so the chance that he is coming to get me is zero. i KNOW that i have not seen my biofather in many years, but that doesnt mean my heart isnt terrified that the mother-fucker might come and hurt me.
am i supposed to keep telling my heart what people want me to tell it… will that make my feelings go away? my biosperm was so brutual and he hurt the shit out of me all the time and then he almost killed me…. how do you make that go away?