survive or survival mode

.deflatedgirl

today i had therapy with Dr. Val.  i have been seeing her forever…. which is amazing in itself.  i have tried to fire her, but she doesnt give up.  i like that, but i still believe at some point she will get sick of me, like everyone else.

the thing with therapy is that in some weird way it makes things worse.  like feelings…. especially needing a mom… i often wonder WHY i subject myself to experiencing these feelings, but when i try to quit, i cant. …..dam Dr. Val…

so today we were talking about suicide.  as youalask all know, my dog Moonlight is sick…. but what you don’t know is that i vowed to kill myself when i lose her.  like a vow of silence, mine is a vow of suicide.  Dr. Val knows and she talks to me about it and part of me believes she would be upset if i killed myself.  (if not anything more than for her reputation as a therapist….)

so, she wants me to give her the gun.  part of me wants to and part of me does not.

DR. VAL: LT, do you want to know my hypothsis of why you have conflicting parts about pulling the trigger?

ME:  uh, um….ok.

DR. VAL:  Because LT, you are a survivor.  {stuff I forgot}…. and you have some strong parts that will fight to survive… that is why it is and will be hard to pull the trigger.

ME:  <silence>

DR. VAL: <silence>

ME:  maybe….      <but i was deep in private thought>

am i survivor?  or do i just live in “survival” mode?to-do-survive

survival mode =   i live waiting for the next attack, the next hurt, the next danger, i live on edge.  i live fearful of day and night.  i live in suspician of people’s motives.  i live waiting for the shoe to fall and the next punishment i deserve. i live waiting to be thrown away.  i hide from life, not live it.  i wake up every day saying “ah, fuck….” instead of “oh great!”   i live dodging bullets…   i “survive”…

some people say “ah, get over it LT and move on”  but the one thing i have learned in therapy is that i must put the blame and responsibility on the right people for things.  i am not there yet.  i still put the blame on me for everything that went wrong.  i may curse foster care and my bioparents, but i still blame me.  i blame me for everything… being abused, being in foster care, never getting adopted, aging-out, etc, etc, etc….and i hate me, utterly 100% hate me.  and i really believe until all those feelings are gone, i will be in survival mode.

disgustingself

maybe Dr. Val didn’t mean survive in the same way i mean survival mode.  maybe her point was that the worst is over, i survived the worst… things can only get better…

… but i have to trust Dr.20120910205730_BuildingTrustWithCoWorkers Val to believe that is true.  giving her my gun would be putting my faith in her belief… that things can only get better?

 

… where is the proof in that?

 

 

October 24, 2014 at 9:20 pm 7 comments

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE

This blog is copyrighted.
I know that means you can't take my writing without my permission. If you do, something can happen.
Plus, that is just a real shitty thing to do -- take someone's thoughts -- so don't do it!

I am happy if you want to use my writing to help those involved in the foster care system, but please, leave a comment asking if it is ok and letting me know.

Peace.

Copyrighted 2009-2014

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