Trauma.. From bio-parents to foster care to suicide to being set free…perhaps.

I hate the word “TRAUMA” — When I think of “trauma” I think of war, I think of a car accident, I think of a disaster….. I don’t think of my life as “TRAUMA.”  Although my new therapist — a “trauma expert” gently keeps telling me that my life is a complete disaster because of “trauma.”  I want to believe her and I see her fancy degrees and her years of experience, but, if trauma is to blame, why did it take so many years to stop it?

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So, lets go back a bit…

A couple months ago, I stood on the edge of the small steel rail, cold  beams resting against my hand, looking down at the turbulent muddy river rolling past.  I could hear the wind rustling my hair and feel the chill breaking the warm comfort that 6 beers had earlier provided me.  Further down the river, I could see the park where I take my dogs on a hot day where the cool water soothes them as they frolic in happiness.  And the lights from the city as the sun started to set were so bright, it seemed like a vortex beckoning me.

I had been here before…oh no, not on this bridge, but in the same mindset…where all I wanted was  death, suicide, ending, no more pain….  I did not purposely make my way to the bridge, you see I have a S&W for this, never thought a bridge; but somehow my impulsive decision left me staring down on one of America’s most famous rivers as I drunkeningly reflected upon my life.  I can’t swim and the bridge is high, so it would be over when I hit the water or the shit in the water (logs, debris, etc).  But it was so peaceful…

I thought about my life; how I have nothing or no-one.   I thought about how confused I feel all the time and how lost I am.  I thought about just wanting a “mom” and a friend.  I thought about what a loser I am that I have nothing that the world considers “valuable”..  I thought about my dogs, how they would probably be better off with someone that can give them a house and a yard instead of a small shit-ass apartment…and the more I thought, the more calm things became.

Have you ever seen police get involved in a bridge rescue with a drunk person?  Unfortunately part of me has…and I honestly don’t remember much but somehow I woke up, baker-acted, in the public hospital in the psychiatric ward.  I have been baker-acted before, so I knew what “the game” was.  Commit yourself voluntarily or they commit you.   (If you don’t understand the differences, look it up; I don’t have time in the blog to explain it all)

It was under this recent suicide attempt that I met who would turn out to become “my trauma therapist.”  Again, I have been in the hospital before and it generally sucks.  Sleep, eat, therapy, other people with problems, some craziness, sleep, eat, more group therapy, pump you full of meds that I can’t afford,  etc.

But this lady was different.  She looked at me and said “LT, do you think suicide will set you free?”

I thought to myself (because you gotta be careful of what you say in the mental ward): “What is this crazy bitch asking, of course I will be free…. I will be dead. “  Instead of saying anything, I shrugged my shoulders as I stared at the ground.

She looked at me again with an air of attitude mixed with compassion and said—- “No it won’t.  It won’t.     LT…….Living well will you set free.”

(Oh god.  What a crazy bitch…are you kidding me?  This lady knows NOTHING about me…NOTHING!)

I rolled my eyes at this crazy lady, covered my head with my hand which was just some reaction, and she basically said again with an attitude combined with compassion: “exactly the response I expected, kid..think about it….”  And she walked out.

And that is how I met my trauma therapist in the crazy ward.

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TRAUMA has alot of definitions…but this is the one that applies best to life in foster care or life with abusive families:

Psychological Trauma = an emotional or psychological injury, usually resulting from an extremely stressful or life-threatening situation.

According to my trauma therapist, it can effect everything about a person; the way they think, act, feel, and respond.  In cases of abused children, trauma can hard-wire the brain for certain responses.  So for example:  me hiding in the closet when I get scared at a knock at the door, is a response.  Trauma can alter memory.  She gave me an example of how someone can be assaulted and not remember the event at all, or a car accident where you only remember before you got hit.  Trauma can lead to severe dissociation;  not feeling real, not remembering who you are, not feeling pain; creating alternate identities…in cases like this, an abused child has learned to escape the trauma through their brain….a survival tool.  Trauma can lead to eating disorders, self-harm, self-hate, intense shame, self-punishment, drug abuse, other addictions, and suicide.  Trauma can lead to kids acting out more and more and more.  Trauma can lead to kids freezing on the spot and adults responding the same later in their lives.  And the list goes on…

I’ve had two adult therapists and a couple as a kid.  I know I have problems (see earlier posts re dissociation, PTSD, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, self-hate, etc. etc. etc.)….but never once has any therapist  tried to help me understand that it’s not because of WHO I AM, but because of WHAT HAPPENED TO ME… TRAUMA.

Do you see the difference?

Not one of those previous therapists tried to separate out the concept of “me being inherently bad or worthless or evil” as the reason for everything I have ever done versus “what me experienced” as the reason for everything I have ever done.  Not that it justifies some of of my behaviors,  but it explains in some way my reactions.

I don’t know if this is making sense to you reading this, but for once it is starting to make sense to me. My whole life I thought I was just born “bad” ~ a worthless piece of shit that needed to be fixed.  And in my belief, this was supported by the fact that no-one ever wanted me combined with all the abuse I suffered but never seemed to get “fixed”… And on some level I feel I deserved everything I ever got, including being stabbed by my bio-father.  And then I look at my life and what a failure I am and it seems to go hand-in-hand….no-one was ever able to fix me….

But then someone really smart, trained, educated, etc., comes along and tells me that “i am not bad and never needed to be fixed” and that every reaction i have from self-harm to acting out as a kid to severely dissociating is because people “tried to fix me in the wrong way,”

…..my god, my world is turned upside down.

If you have never experienced traumatic events, it may seem simplistic to you and maybe I seem dumb.  18 years of my life reinforced my belief about everything …18 years of trauma.  It’s not dumb to be confused…

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On top of this, trauma can be worked through.  Responses can be helped, as therapy and methods exist for DID and PTSD and personality issues, self-harm, eating disorders, and addiction, etc. etc.;  and it’s not easy or quick, but therapy works.  My therapist knows this and spewed research supporting it, which I do not really remember, but she seemed to know what she was saying…

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And then I asked my new-found trauma therapist, “if I am screwed up because of trauma and not because its me, why the hell was it not addressed in foster care for all those years?”

—- and my trauma therapist said:

“LT, Foster care itself is ANOTHER TRAUMA to the psyche, and yes, it should have been addressed consistently.  TRAUMA on top of TRAUMA makes responses worse.  Your life, kid, is a series of traumatic events that no-one should have experienced   Now, I can help you go through them to get past the trauma.”

Foster care is a TRAUMA to the psyche….then why the hell are we still using it to raise kids?

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