Archive for August 1, 2010
Someone who reads my blog regularly left a comment asking –
I sat around on my futon staring at the ceiling and pondering this question today. Pretty much wasted the whole fucking day…and sadly, what I came up with is –
I have no fucking clue. None what-so-ever.
I have NO idea who I am NOW.
Isn’t who we are shaped by what we learned about ourselves? Isn’t who we are shaped by what we experienced? Isn’t who we are a compilation of things we learned along the way?
Am I not a mix of everything I learned and/or experienced….
…both the good and the bad?
Aren’t we all?
So what does that mean for me……..?
Am I not the kid that no-one wanted…and the young adult that doesn’t let anyone in?
Am I not the “foster kid”…and the “aged-out” adult?
Am I not the kid that lived in tons of different homes and did anything to survive…and the homeless young adult who did anything to survive?
Am I not the kid that was left for dead by her biofather… and the adult who brings left-over food to the homeless?
Am I not the kid that hit and bit and cursed out foster parents… and the adult who would rather die than hurt anyone?
Am I not the kid that was left by my biomother and so many other people…and the adult who is too afraid to trust that people won’t keep leaving?
Am I not the kid who wished all the time I was never born…and the adult who wishes all the time I was dead?
How does one make sense of the experiences and lessons learned from my life to answer the question “Who am I NOW?” — when my worlds are so confused? My worlds were different than 99.99% of people —How do I take all this compilation when it is filled with mostly bad and very little good and answer Who am I NOW?
I don’t think I am much different than I have ever been — Maybe I am just physically free from people that caused me so much pain, but yet I am still emotionally imprisoned…
Who am I NOW?
I am No-one.