Who am I NOW?

Someone who reads my blog regularly left a comment asking –

“Who am I NOW?”

I sat around on my futon staring at the ceiling and pondering this question today.  Pretty much wasted the whole fucking day…and sadly, what I came up with is –

I have no fucking clue.  None what-so-ever.

I have NO idea who I am NOW.

Isn’t who we are shaped by what we learned about ourselves?  Isn’t who we are shaped by what we experienced?  Isn’t who we are a compilation of things we learned along the way?

Am I not a mix of everything I learned and/or experienced….

…both the good and the bad?

Aren’t we all?

So what does that mean for me……..?

Am I not the kid that no-one wanted…and the young adult that doesn’t let anyone in?

Am I not the “foster kid”…and the “aged-out” adult?

Am I not the kid that lived in tons of different homes and did anything to survive…and the homeless young adult who did anything to survive?

Am I not the kid that was abused over and over and over… and the adult who would do anything to save her dog?

Am I not the kid that was  left for dead by her biofather… and the adult who brings left-over food to the homeless?

Am I not the kid that hit and bit and cursed out foster parents… and the adult who would rather die than hurt anyone?

Am I not the kid that was left by my biomother and so many other people…and the adult who is too afraid to trust that people won’t keep leaving?

Am I not the kid who feels like a disgusting, hideous, piece of shit, slut-bag, whore….and the adult who feels the same?

Am I not the kid who wished all the time I was never born…and the adult who wishes all the time I was dead?

 

How does one make sense of the experiences and lessons learned from my life  to answer the question “Who am I NOW?” — when my worlds are so confused?  My worlds were different than 99.99% of  people —How do I take all this compilation when it is filled with mostly bad and very little good and answer Who am I NOW?

I don’t think I am much different than I have ever been — Maybe I am just physically free from people that caused me so much pain, but yet I am still emotionally imprisoned…

Who am I NOW?

I am No-one.