I Just Need a Mom…..please?

I went to Dr. Val today.  I took the bus, so I was late.  I didn’t really care.  I wish I had been later, only leaving about 5 minutes for session– you know –  “hi bitch, bye bitch” — type of thing.  If you have not been following the saga, I skipped my last appointment on Friday and walked out of the one before that, so its been awhile since I have seen Dr. Val.  I almost forgot what she looked like….

Dr. Val tried her stupid eye contact thing and I refused……  I kept staring at the ground and told her to “cut it the fuck out today.”    I didn’t want to see her.  I waited.   She gave in… and let me by into the office without looking at her.  Good thing —- We might have stood there all day if she didn’t.

I am really depressed and want to be dead.   What I have been thinking is that if Dr. Val won’t take me – adopt me—   maybe she can take my pets;  Moonlight, Shadow, and Harbor.  If she could take them,  then, well, ——

And if she ever did a fucking thing to hurt them, I would come back and haunt her.

I sat in my regular chair near the door and didn’t say a word.  I stared at the floor.

So this is how it went –

Dr. Val:  “LT?”

<silence>

Dr. Val: “LT?  I know you are FEELING angry at me, but can we talk about your feelings.”

ME: …no.  im not angry.  and i really don’t have anything to say.

Dr. Val: “Really?”

ME:  yeh, its stupid to be here.  this place sucks and it’s a waste of my fucking time.

Dr. Val:  “LT, I think you are angry at me.   Last session when I tried to explain that I could not adopt you, you left.  Then you acted-out, hurting yourself in multiple ways turning the anger inward.  Yes?  It makes perfect sense and I am not blaming you – you had parents that sucked, you had foster parents that sucked, you had workers that sucked.   You have every right to be angry.  You should be angry at the world.  Feelings of anger are not going to kill you.  “

<silence>

Dr. Val:  “And you are angry at me.  Angry that I can’t be what you want me to be.  Angry that I can’t be your mom.  Angry that I can’t adopt you.  Do you see that?

ME:  you suck.  Fuck off.

Dr. Val:  “Do you also understand why I can’t adopt you?”

ME: no. —

ME:  yeah, cause i am a piece of shit, crap-ass, disgusting whore — and you ONLY want prime real estate.  You suck.

Dr. Val:  “No.  I don’t want prime real estate.  I don’t think you are a piece of shit, crap-ass, disgusting whore.  I think you are smart, funny, sweet and a pretty young woman, who had a lot of bad stuff happen to you.

I can’t adopt you because I am your therapist – my job is to help you find peace, to build a family, to learn to live, to learn to like yourself, to help integrate the “parts” of you that are split..to make you whole so you can live happily..do you see how this could almost be a more important role? “

<silence>

Dr. Val:  “LT?”

ME:  that sucked.  did you have that prepared?  is that what you say to everyone?  what about ME?  i fucking hate you….you don’t want me.  you are just like everyone else.

Dr. Val:  “LT, I am not like everyone else.  I am not giving up on you.  I do not want to hurt you.  I am not going to dump you.  I like you.  I like working with you.  I am not like everyone else.  I can not adopt you, but I will be here for you.   Haven’t I been here constantly 3 times a week for months?  Haven’t I tried not to hurt you all this time?  Haven’t I been honest with you?  See, LT…. I am NOT like everyone else in your life.  Most people aren’t…..

At that moment,  a floodwater of pain broke the dam that had been building  for 20something years……..

…………………..and I cried…..

………..                              ………and cried….

…………                               ………………………and cried…..

.

I ached from the inside where all the tears were streaming from.

Dr. Val tried to hand me some tissues —– My sleeve seemed like a better option.

I heard Dr. Val say “LT, what do you need from me, sweetie?”

My crying blue eyes raised to look directly into Dr. Val’s gentle brown eyes….

….and all that quietly came out of my mouth was…

“I just need a mom…………      ………….please?”

.

With that declaration of pain, my eyes dropped to the floor and the tears continued to stream.

I felt a soft hand slowly rest on my head—  and for the first time since I can remember I did not wince in fear at someone’s touch— and then I heard a “MOM” saying—  “I know, LT, …… I know.”