i’ve always wanted to be dead

Today I saw Dr. C, my psychiatrist, because I am so depressed.  I must have looked like shit, because Dr. C asked me questions about sleeping, doing laundry, doing chores like brushing teeth, eating,  and about cutting.  I don’t think I ever told Dr. C that I cut, so my therapist, big-mouth Dr. Val, must have told her that.

I pretty much gave one word answers — no sleeping at night, yes sleeping all day; no doing laundry or any other chore; no good hygiene; yes eating lots of bad food and no eating good foods; yes to cutting, but that was it.  I HATE questions.

Then Dr. C asked about suicide.  I paused… and turned and looked directly at Dr. C and said:

“Dr. C, there is not one day that I don’t wish I were dead.  I remember when I was a kid, laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing god would kill me….. I remember sitting in school wishing god would kill me…… I remember that almost every single day of my life I wish I were dead.  I didn’t know who god was, but I wanted him to kill me.

…..and I still do.”

She looked sad and was pretty quiet.  Then I felt bad and stopped looking at her.

My response to her was 100% honest.  As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be dead.  I can NOT remember a single age that I felt “happy to be alive.”  Isn’t that sad?  I used to wonder that if as an infant I wanted to be dead.  I read once that infants whose needs are not met, just give up…for example, if an infant is crying  because it is hungry and no-one ever responds, the infant learns that no-one can keep her/him safe or meet her/his needs. … so, the infant just gives up.  Would that be the same thing as wanting to be dead?