How having a blog is alot like living in foster care.

Today I was laying around on the floor staring at the ceiling.  I am extremely depressed and had no energy to do anything.  Cartoons were not even entertaining….So I turned my cheap-ass TV off and watched the ceiling.  If you recall, I live in this old building, on the fourth floor, in a “studio, ” with exploding lightbulbs, and a ceiling that is painted in such a way that it looks like someone shot white paint pellets onto it and they splashed across the ceiling in various different directions.  It sounds goofy, but it is actually quite artistic and I like it.  I can stare at it for hours.

So today I thought about my blog…..and how in many ways it resembles life in foster care.

1.  People come and go…. and never tell you why.

Did I write something offensive, did my blog get boring, were they tired of my ranting, did they take everything they needed, did they give up believing that betterment was possible, did they just not care anymore… As the writer of the blog, I have seen lots of people come and go…people who make comments change over time, with very few remaining for along time.

Ironically, what I realized is that this bothers me.  There is something comforting in seeing the familiar “names” of commenters on my blog.  Something encouraging, something supportative, something….well, nice.  But then, it is also bothersome when I realize people have “disappeared” …. and i NEVER know why.

Do you see how this mimics relationships in foster care?  People came into my life, with supportive intent, encouragement at times, and than for reasons that I NEVER knew….disappeared when I was moved to another placement.  All comfort of familiarity was shot to hell everytime I was “bounced”….

…people gone and I never new why.

Was it me? — Was it them?

How sad.

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2.  People find “new, more interesting” blogs to follow….and the old ones, no-one wants to read.

People are always searching for “new blogs” — hot, off-the-press topics that have just started.  Many times people leave an older blog to follow the new ones– new writers who offer a new perspective.  Young blogs are hot, old blogs are not.

In foster care, lets be realistic, if you are over the age of 5, you are OLD…and most people don’t want you.  People want to adopt and mostly foster the “new, young” children…they don’t want the “old, old” ones.  I was 7-years old, white, blond and female…and no-one wanted me.  I was old, used, and well, not interesting.

How Sad.

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3. People may be crazy-scary…and their behaviors may impact you.

Open blogs are “open” to the world, to who-ever wants to read them, comment on them, contact you, etc.  Sometimes people whose behaviors are crazy-scary can impact your blog, your emails, and you.  When you blog to the world, you blog to everyone that can get on the internet.  I have had some crazy-scary experiences…both on the blog and in email…and it has impacted me; fear, upsetment, sadness, jealousy, anger, and more fear.  And at times, it is hard to know how to handle these experiences…very hard.  What I find is that I blame myself…”If only I did not post that blog entry” — “If only I did not respond via email” — “If only I did not say that” — “If only I made the right comment” — etc.

When I was in foster care, alot of crazy-scary things happened.  Some foster parents were horrific and their behaviors affected me tremendously.  I remember being scared, terrified and self-blaming.  “If only I did what he wanted at first” — “If only I did not talk back”  — “If only I was a better kid”  — “If only I did what I was supposed to do”  — etc.

All these crazy-scary experiences affected me and the image I believe of me.  I never had people to count on, to share the crazy-scary experiences, or to help me through them.

How Sad.

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4.  People get busy with their lives ….and stop reading your blog for more important things.

This may sound funny, because in reality, people are busy.  Many people start reading your blog, let you know they enjoy it, but then stop reading because life gets busy and other things takes precedence….and then they forget your blog.  This mimics foster care to a “T.”  Sometimes people take foster children because it seems like “a good thing to do at the time.”  But then, when changes happen, the foster kid is “bounced.”  New babies, moving, loss of a job, family structure changes, many other life events that make the foster kid no longer important.

How Sad.

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Dr. Val, my therapist, warned me about blogging.  She never said why, but maybe I am beginning to “see why” — that it has the ability to affect me  — and once again, I have little control over it.