Archive for November, 2010
You have no idea how our heart sinks when we “come home” from school and our stuff is outside and a worker is waiting to “move you.” Fear, rejection, self-hatred, anger, self-blame, sadness, confusion, defeat…all rolled into numbness.
sometimes i cursed, sometimes i cried, sometimes i laughed, and many times i just gave up and felt nothing. i stopped asking why after the 3rd move; i rarely got the truth…..but i knew it was because i was bad and unwanted. i started keeping tract of how long until i would be moved again as a game. on the first day, when i met the new foster family, i’d look at the family and guess how long they would keep me– i got real good at it.
sometimes i couldn’t remember where i was and would wake up panicked in fear, searching my brain to tell me. sometimes i’d hide in the closet or under the bed because i couldn’t remember. sometimes rooms got confused, so i couldnt find the bathroom or the kitchen to get a drink at night. sometimes i would forget my address, because i had so many. and just when i got to feeling secure, i’d move again and nothing would be familiar.