you think you understand foster care — but you forgot our feelings

For thought…

You have no idea how our heart sinks when we “come home” from school and our stuff is outside and a worker is waiting to “move you.” Fear, rejection, self-hatred, anger, self-blame, sadness, confusion, defeat…all rolled into numbness.

sometimes i cursed, sometimes i cried, sometimes i laughed, and many times i just gave up and felt nothing.  i stopped asking why after the 3rd move; i rarely got the truth…..but i knew it was because i was bad and unwanted.  i started keeping tract of how long until i would be moved again as a game. on the first day, when i met the new foster family,  i’d look at the family and guess how long they would keep me– i got real good at it.

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You have no idea what it is feels like waking up in a strange room, all alone, and being so confused because you have lived in 4-5-6-7-8-10-12+ places, so that nothing ever looks familiar.

sometimes i couldn’t remember where i was and would wake up panicked in fear, searching my brain to tell me.  sometimes i’d hide in the closet or under the bed because i couldn’t remember.  sometimes rooms got confused, so i couldnt find the bathroom or the kitchen to get a drink at night.  sometimes i would forget my address, because i had so many.  and just when i got to feeling secure, i’d move again and nothing would be familiar.

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