HW #2: why i hate me…by LT

December 9, 2010 at 10:43 pm 12 comments

i hate me because:

  • when i look in the mirror i don’t know who looks back
  • i did a lot of stuff to survive and although in most cases i had no choice, people could never understand
  • on the inside i feel disgusting and dirty

i hate me because:

  • i struggle so much with everything
  • NO-ONE ever loved me or wanted me …and that tells me something, right?
  • i am too afraid to really, truly hate the people that i should

i hate me because:

  • i feel so damaged that i honestly believe i am beyond repair
  • i did some bad things as a kid to some nice people, when they threw me away/ dumped me… but i was never theirs to begin with.  im sorry, i just wanted a family.
  • i live my life in fear

i hate me because:

  • i am so fucking ugly both inside and outside
  • i am riddled with scars inside and out, that scream this body is not mine...
  • i hurt myself … and it does not matter

i hate me because:

  • i am dumber than most preteens and teens in school today
  • how do i try and explain my life… to a world that is so different
  • deep inside, i just want to be a kid and get to start all over…

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12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Crumble  |  December 9, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    I tried to respond to this post a couple different ways. I wish you could see yourself the way some of us on this blog see you. I wonder if it would “help”. I related to a lot of what you said today. Take care of you, LT.

    Reply
  • 2. lifemultiplied  |  December 9, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Sorry you hate you for all those reasons, LT. Wish I could make all of that better. Know you’re cared about very much.

    Reply
  • 3. abby's momma  |  December 9, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    I wish I could give you a do- over.

    Reply
  • 4. Another Time  |  December 10, 2010 at 12:20 am

    LT, you are so not stupid. Especially not dumber than teens and preteens. I spend time with that age group a couple days a week. You are smart.

    You aren’t “beyond repair”, either.

    I wish I could rewind life, too.

    Reply
  • 5. fosteringidahoteens  |  December 10, 2010 at 12:38 am

    LT – all I can say is that I remember a time when I had similar feelings. You’ve shared enough for me to know that your life is 100 times harder than mine every was, and I certainly know that I lack the strength and skill to carry your load.

    So, in my case, I was able to go from this place where I knew for a fact that I was a lousy worthless person that shouldn’t even bother others with my slightest needs to now thinking, “actually, I’m an ok person – maybe even uniquely cool.”

    I hope things improve for you. And, I hope that your efforts will change the lives of younger foster kids so that they don’t have to suffer like you.

    Reply
  • 6. been there  |  December 10, 2010 at 8:55 am

    LT – there is a long but AMAZING journey ahead of you. you CAN be whole. you CAN feel loved. you CAN be happy. it will not happen over night and the road to the other side is going to be hard and bumpy. it is COMPLETELY unfair that you have to travel this road but if you want a different life, it’s the only way. it starts with your anger making a u-turn. instead of taking it out on yourself you’ll find the courage to stand up for yourself and put that anger on the shitty people who abused you. that was my first step and it took a long time because abused kids learn early on that everything is their fault and they internalize EVERYTHING. you were a victim for so long. it was not your fault. you got a shitty deal! but one day you will stand up and fight for the life YOU DESERVE. you will put the blame where the blame goes and step away from it. you will look yourself in the eye in the mirror and know that YOU deserve a good life and YOU have the power to make that happen. even the smallest steps in the right direction will add up. just keep taking them and eventually they will get you where you want to be. i imagine that your faith and trust in humanity is totally shattered but i’m still going to say that if you ever want to talk you have my email. (i’m guessing you can see my email since i had to enter it to post this) have you seen the movie antwoine fisher? it’s really good. there’s a time when he goes back to the people that abused him and says something like ‘you tried to destroy me but you didn’t. i’m still standing! i’m still strong’. that’s what i say all of the time…still standing! and sometimes, still standing bitches! lol you have this same strength in you..to fight for yourself, to love yourself, to make a life for yourself even though noone else did. because you know what, that was about them NOT you. THEY were the messed up ones. ok, ok i’ll end my sermon now. i hope something i said made sense. i know couselors and well-meaning people tried to tell me this kind of stuff for years and my response was always ‘you don’t understand, i’m fucked up’ then i’d down a bottle of vodka. but i fought my way through that and now i know i am not fucked up, i just had a fucked up childhood and it’s a miracle that i made it! and i am a strong woman for choosing to want something more rather than to remain a victim my whole life. aaaand i’m still preaching, sorry. like i said, i’m here if you wanna email me.

    Reply
  • 7. h  |  December 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    deep inside, i just want to be a kid and get to start all over

    I hear ya on that one…[hugs]

    Reply
  • 8. karen  |  December 10, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    You dont know what a gift you already have, by being able to truly put how you feel into words like that! OMG I am sorry you feel that way but OMG I have felt that way but never knew how to say it or would have ever been brave enough to write it! YOU are going to recover and be an awesome adult!!

    Reply
  • 9. B  |  December 10, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    I am sorry that you hate you right now, I truly hope that is not always the case. I found your blog when I was lost and your words helped me in a way I cannot explain. We have led different lives matched only by our time in care/rejection by family but your posts here have helped me see that others in our circumstance feel the same. i wish i could give you the gift you gave me, I do not hate you but am grateful that you exist and had the courage of honesty you had. I found this blog and feel less alone in these negative reactions to being in the foster system.

    Reply
  • 10. butterflysblog  |  December 11, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    You are such a gift and treasure to all of us who have the privilege of reading your blog. Thank you for including us in your life.

    Reply
  • 11. Becca  |  April 20, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Probably a little late to be posting a comment here, but I hope you still see it. You are not ugly or dumb. You are a beautiful person who is helping countless others with this blog. If one person reads your blog and then in turn helps a child, you have given that child an amazing gift. If one foster child is treated better because of this blog, then you have given that child an amazing gift. If one foster parent reads this blog and understands a little more about their foster children, then you have given those children a chance for a better life. Stick with it LT. You are teaching me a lot from the child’s perspective. One day, when I finally become a foster to adopt family, I will have so much more to offer that child than I would have without your blog. Thank you for what you are doing, and please realize the good in you. I wish someone could have helped you when you were little the same way you are helping others.

    Reply
  • 12. Liza  |  August 16, 2012 at 3:29 am

    LT, I just read this entry a million years late (I didn’t follow your blog back then, and though I’ve read most of your entries so I am up to date, this one I don’t recall reading). I just wanted to say that you are fantastic. A wonderfully intelligent, creative, strong, brave, sensitive, understanding, wise young woman. I hope you don’t hate yourself for all these reasons anymore, though I know the self-hate is still there. I wish you peace more than anything, LT. I know you deserve it, and I pray that one day you too will know, deep down in your heart, that you are beautiful inside and out.

    Reply

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