back to babies and badness — do you see?
January 9, 2011 at 6:27 pm 23 comments
so, i want everyone to know that i truly read all the responses and think about them. i really do. i dont respond to them all, because it takes me awhile to formulate my responses and thoughts regarding what i think and perhaps feel. 
so this is the thing….on a smart side, i understand what everyone says. it makes sense. babies are not born bad; they just are. i havent been around alot of babies, but when i watch them at work or in public, how could they be? look at this ————————–>
so most people think babies are not born bad, but a product of genes and environment.
But…what i FEEL is sooooo different.
i FEEL bad. i FEEL like i dont belong here. i FEEL like a mistake.
i FEEL so wrong…..
AND
..if we were to assume that i was not born bad; that it is not possible for babies…
…then did all foster parents know “the genes and the environment” were bad
… so i was too?
…was i then so bad by the time i got into foster care that no-one wanted me?
can you tell by looking at me?
my god.
is that what they all saw when they looked in my eyes?
… no-one ever wanted to keep me? why?
can anyone tell me why?
please?
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: adoption, babies, baby, born bad, Foster Care, foster home, foster kid, foster parents, kid, no family, not adopted, parents, unwanted.
1.
Crumble | January 9, 2011 at 6:34 pm
I don’t know why you were not able to find a forever family. You were a skinny white kid. You would think that would ‘fit someone’s bill’. Life is not fair. I know that doesn’t ‘solve’ anything – but…
I hope that someway, somehow, things work out for you. I don’t know what that looks like – but I do think some good things are starting to happen (KC etc). I really hope that this year is an incredible year for you.
Thinking of you and your fur family.
2.
The Sleeper | January 9, 2011 at 6:45 pm
Because the system is messed up. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with a messed up system. I am sorry.
3.
Shoshana | January 9, 2011 at 7:20 pm
I think that some foster parents are just looking to be foster parents, not adoptive parents – they want to give a little boost to many kids over the course of several years.
Also, I may be wrong, but I think that foster parents receive monetary help but adoptive parents don’t. Some foster parents may not have been financially able to adopt.
Also, in some cases, if I understand correctly, in some places, once a kid is above a certain age, he or she is only “up for foster care” not for adoption.
Finally, the way you described some of your foster care placements, you are lucky not to have been adopted by them. Think of it that way. You already had one bad family, you didn’t need a second abusive forever family.
Did the “system” try to have you adopted or just fostered?
That is to say, did you meet families other than those fostering you?
4.
fille | January 9, 2011 at 7:25 pm
Because THIS IS UNFAIR.
Because you did not only have to SUFFER the abuse your parents inflicted on you, you also had to PAY for it, although it was not your fault.
This is why I say: THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
It reminds me of a man I met when I was 20. He was from communist eastern Germany. Like everybody, he was drafted for the army. He was stationned at the border. Soldiers at the border had to shoot at any Person who would try to leave this wonderful country without a permit.
He refused. He just would not shoot.
So he did the right thing, right, because it is immoral to shoot at someone just for being fed up with eastern Germany.
So he went to prison. Eventually, he came out of prison and later fled eastern Germany. He came to western Germany. Did he find a job? No! Did he settle in life? No! And still he was a moral person and did the right thing. But nobody thanked him for it.
The story you tell us is even worse: babies are the most precious little things that come into the world and deserve our protection. Not only were you denied the protection you deserved – as anybody else, but you were punished for what you suffered up until now.
THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
5.
fille | January 9, 2011 at 7:32 pm
… in some way, this man is the person closest I ever met to a hero. Because he did the right thing, without getting any thanks.
And in the same way, you are a hero for me, because after all yo went through, you do your best to cope, even though it is really, really hard, you are an awesome writer & artist & do best you can to integrate into a society although you often felt/feel rejected by them.
6.
fille | January 9, 2011 at 7:36 pm
PS: I found that Blogging/Internet could give me comfort.
Of course, it is not as good as a real person next to you, a person you see, you touch, you speak to, (because those contacts go away more quickly, since they are virtual), but on the other hand it allows to discuss some topics in a kind of abstract bubble, where all those things that get in the way in the real world do not get in the way…
So keep it up, girl, and keep strong…
7.
butterflysblog | January 9, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Sweet LT – You “feel” different because you are different. You would never have treated people the way they have treated you, and that makes you beautiful and different. You are different and special and wonderful.
I think maybe you were put here on this Earth to show us just how beautiful people really can be. I admire the way you are able to love your three pets, do your job so well, do such great work in therapy, and still write this great blog.
8.
michelle vandepol | January 9, 2011 at 8:27 pm
you’re not what you feel. you’re so much more. the what ifs and whys of what happened to you to this point doesn’t make sense in terms of what did you do to deserve this. because it wasn’t something you did or deserved. it was done to you. life isn’t fair. it’s a flawed fallen universe with snippets of beauty within it.
your voice is important because you are not alone in your suffering. there are many lonely people who feel worthless or bad. know you can have more — a better life. it’s your job to find your life purpose and love. without it, you are easier prey for people who are self-serving — who want you to feel less so they can capitalize on it. do not let the darkness win — seek out the light. start that gratitude journal. and look up inspiring stories of people who have overcome.
♥ michelle
9.
Lee | January 9, 2011 at 9:00 pm
I don’t know if you will ever know why you were not adopted, LT but I would bet money on the fact that it wasn’t about you. It might have been as simple as finances. I sort of wonder if the hippies you mentioned might have adopted you if they had not had some kind of crisis in their family. I don’t know what happened, but I got the feeling from your post that something big happened in their life and that was why you had to move.
I don’t think people see “bad” or anything like that when they look at a child. They may see that life has been very cruel and hurtful to that child by the way the child acts. Also sometimes social workers can say things to prospective parents that make them wonder ifi they can be a good parent for that child. I had this happen with one of my children. I was told he was destructive, sneaky and a bunch of other stuff. I never saw the type of behavior from him that I was warned about. (except some fear based lying which I expected) I don’t think the social workers are lying to the prospective parents. They see kids who have been in such tough circumstances that of course they don’t act like other kids do. They are trying to be fair to everyone but in my case at least, I think they went way overboard on my son.
10.
abby's momma | January 9, 2011 at 9:57 pm
I have no clue why your fosters never adopted you. I don’t know their situations. I don’t know how solid their marriages were. I don’t know how confident they were that they could help you. I don’t know if you seemed like a child that could attach. I don’t know what their motivations were for doing foster care. And really I don’t know that as a child in that house you would know enough to figure out why they decided what they did so you might have to be OK with not knowing for sure. I do know many fine people that were not adopted despite years in the system. I don’t know that the system can promise adoptive families.
I’m sorry this is so hard to sort through.
11.
eliane | January 10, 2011 at 4:46 am
I also heard the idea of mourning and was very upset when my therapist proposed it.
In the end, I think it just amounts to let the time pass until you have digested the thing. And its true that it works, but you cannot really “do” anything about it.
12.
Ann | January 10, 2011 at 9:36 am
Bad people to me are usually sociopaths, serial killers, rapists, abusers – maybe extremely extremely greedy and uncaring people but even then that’s hard to define as ‘bad’. So first, I would not define you as bad to begin with.
We sometimes get a dog at the shelter who comes in, and then gets returned, again, and again, and again. We do not blame the dog. The dog is not bad – the people are just ill prepared. Sometimes we have fosters for a dog. These hope the dog will find a true home one day, so they do not prepare for adoption but take that animal for a short time in hopes it can have a stable environment… sometimes the animal finds comfort in that home, other times it may not. If the dog cannot go into a foster home for whatever reason – it’s still not bad. It’s that the foster home does not have the skills to make the environment for the dog right. Sometimes we never quite find that right place, but usually sooner or later (no matter what we do), the dog generally ends up in a place that works for it.
I know people are not dogs. Sometimes dogs because of their personality can bounce back far quicker, but then again they have much shorter lives too… We, as society, are more likely to give up on a dog (thus mass euthanasia) than we are any single person no matter what they are or have been through.
Don’t give up and define yourself as bad so soon. In dog years you’d probably be about 3.5 (guessing on your age), and since you have dogs you probably know that’s still ‘young’. And even old abuse dogs can learn new tricks – I’ve seen it before in dogs and people.
13.
ProfessionalMom | January 10, 2011 at 9:39 am
LT, I agree with the poster who said you feel different because you are different. You feel different because you were treated badly. Normal cause-and-effect.
The grieving comments also make a ton of sense. A few years ago, one of my sons (a brilliant scientist, with little common sense at the time) managed to burn off half of his left hand with high voltage electricity. He could have died, but instead he just fried his hand and some parts of his brain tied to memory and coping skills. He is currently a moderately successful student with lots of friends. BUT, it took a lot of time to grieve not being “normal”. He has a toe sewn to his thumb position, and scars everywhere on his torso, arms, face, legs…not to mention four toes on one foot. He was mad at himself, mad at the medical professionals who made decisions about his body that he did not like at the time, and just plain scared about being marked “odd” for the rest of his life….Would any girl ever want to hold that hand? Grief was his work. The change was permanent and would never be un-done.
As to why you were not adopted, LT, I do not know the answers. I know that our house is filled with trauma recovery of several kinds, and we have a current adoption in process which has added more trauma to the family and been so hard that my hubby will never consider doing it again. People can only handle what they can handle. The “effort bucket” is only so full. Maybe you just met a bunch of people who had nothing left in their bucket to offer.
Life is not fair. I hear your hurt. You will learn how to find success, my dear.
14.
fosteringidahoteens | January 10, 2011 at 2:46 pm
As I’m sure you know, the questions you ask, “Why?” have no answer. Not knowing is painful – and blaming yourself would also be painful, but certainty is easier to deal with.
I’ve been thinking about the right way to handle children in foster care. As you’ve said repeatedly, something needs to change. You know that it could have been different for you. Had the system just provided for your physical safety (I’m horrified that it didn’t), it would have failed to give you what you desire now.
Currently: The state removes children from homes that physically endanger the child. The state licenses foster parents to provide for the physical needs of the foster children (food, shelter, transportation…).
A better approach would be to view foster parents as partners in the process to care not only for the child’s physical needs, but to also provide for the child’s emotional, spiritual, and intellectual well being. I think proper coordination with counseling resources and support services could have changed your situation. I know it would have help me in the past.
15.
FosterAbba | January 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Is it possible that your social worker may have sabotaged any possibility for you to be adopted? Maybe you had foster parents that did want you, but when they raised the possibility of adoption with your worker, they were told no.
We had to spend a year fighting in court to adopt the child we finally adopted when she was 12 years old. We had to fight because the social worker decided that no family was better for our child than a queer family.
16.
gethealthywithme | January 10, 2011 at 4:26 pm
I think people can sense when someone is damaged and it scares them. I know my abuse at a young age set in motion life long beliefs and changes in my personality. We had to survive and change ourselves accordingly. So whether they sensed anger in a 7 year old or realized how much you had been through they were likely just scared that they could never help you. It sucks and I suspect if I had gotten my wish and had been put into the Children’s aid society at around 8 , my story would be similar to yours. So sadly, I have to be thankful for them not taking me into that system after learning your story.
Hugs
Michelle
17.
Janera | January 11, 2011 at 10:41 pm
I hope you feel better soon! I can relate: I have a sore throat, too. ick!
18.
Jesus-is-the-way | May 27, 2011 at 4:08 pm
I randomly came acrossed this web site just looking at babies. im 15 and it just so happens im in foster care temp. because of some stupid decisions some adults desided to make when i was born.i have to live with it;i do not blame anyone because god has his reasons for everything that happens it is a trail and i can face it just like any other child can.he only gives us what we can handle and in the end you get stronger!i can handle more then i could and i found out if you just leave it up to God he will lead and guide you.sometimes it’s not all fine and dandy and you want to give up but you step back and take a look around…your not the only one going through it and it could be so much worse!good luck and love you(:
19.
Jen D | June 8, 2011 at 1:15 pm
I have seen more than one study result like this one.
http://www.dailyrx.com/news-article/caring-un-cared-11883.html
I need to see this system fixed. As a insider to the health care industry, sometimes I feel utterly depressed that i will never see this system improve in my lifetime.
20.
Brenda | July 27, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Hi,
I work for the brazilian magazine “Mensageiro do Coração de Jesus”. I would like to publish the photo of baby with the bath towel. How did you get the picture?
Thank you so much!
21.
Sarah | August 24, 2011 at 9:45 am
Look, I don’t know you personally. I just found your blog, and in only a day I feel like I know you. I am so much like you. You are not alone. You are not bad. You have a good sense of humor, you are a good person. You are different. You understand how it feels to be starving… to fear adults. I understand this too, though I now live happily with family. Your situation was much worse than mine. Focus on the good. Please. Think good thoughts. I can tell you are a good person. On hte other hand, those people who have judged you, who have hurt you, well you are better than them. Do you see? You were born into the world, you are meant to be here. I promise. Look at all the people who read your blog, who want you to keep writing! Love, Sarah
22.
Another Time | October 11, 2011 at 10:36 pm
I’ve been thinking about this post for a bit now, LT. I know you’re busy, (Aren’t we all? lol) but maybe you could do some volunteering for a group. I myself help children and a few adults who “fit the label” (I hate saying that) of disabled/autistic/PTSD/ADD/ADHD/a whole bunch of other acronyms and illnesses ride horses and I think it has helped me. It is beyond amazing to see the changes overcome the children. I know several who never said a word for years and years and now you can’t get them to stop talking. It is ridiculiously rewarding seeing the miracle, because that is exactly what it is, be it a little more obvious than most miracles. Just a thought for a near or later day.
23.
JMR | October 14, 2011 at 11:11 pm
Illogical Will Robinson! Illogical! You are mistaken about being a mistake. Please correct this mistake: you aren’t a mistake! Immediate correction needed! Apply now before a disaster occurs! Your difference is needed!
Now go find some “Lost in Space” episodes with Billy Mummy to watch.