fucked up rules of foster care… anyone?

February 18, 2011 at 12:43 am 264 comments

I went to work today which in itself was a miracle, considering I am depressed. But I realize if I lose my job, I lose my apartment.  I have no desire to be homeless again, unless I was dead and then you could throw my ass in the ocean to sink and get eaten by sharks. Also trust me, if I were my boss, by now I would have fired my ass already; based on my difficulty with getting to work, so I needed to get there and show face.

As I entered I noticed there was a new paper hanging on the wall near the entrance.  The paper which was a sign and said RULES AS OF FEBRUARY 2011. Then it listed a bunch of rules, some which were really ridiculous.

As I looked at this sign, my head exploded thinking about all the fucked-up foster care rules that exist…Let me share some of them with you and feel free to comment or share ones that you know or experienced.  Please remember, foster care is STATE-BASED, so states have difference rules….  I am sharing my dumb-ass state rules or those I heard over and over again on the streets from aged-out kids.

Not in any order of importance…

Stupid Rule #1 — 15/22   know what that means?

It did not apply to me, because TPR in my case occurred quickly under what has become known as “aggravated circumstances.”  But this 15/22 means that a kid has to be in foster care for 15 consecutive months out of 22 before TPR proceedings can begin.  So, a kid has to sit in foster care for over a year… while the bioparents could be doing nothing.  15 months is a long time to sit in foster care while the bioparents are not working their case-plan, not doing anything to reunite.  How fair is that to the kid?

Don’t you think if a parent really wants their kid back,

they would be doing something ASAP?

This rule screws the kids.  Makes them sit and wait….and the longer a kid lingers in foster care, the more their chance of getting adopted slips away because they get old and hardened by the system.

I once read that it takes adults 2 years to finish substance abuse treatment and get themselves together.  If that statistic is truthful and  bioparents do not start working on their case plans until 8-9 months, a child could sit for 3 years before getting reunited IF the bios finish treatment.

The rule should be more like “Parents must start working their case plan within 3 months.  If they CHOOSE not to do so, TPR proceedings will begin.” And then some additional words about the number of times bioparents can drop out and come back before TPR happens.  Why should the kids sit and linger when the bioparents are out “playing,” running away, and not taking responsibility?

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Stupid Rule #2 —  No haircut.

Are you kidding me?  This is state-based, but where I was in foster care, haircuts had to be approved by the bioparents or workers.

Don’t you think the bioparents have more problems to worry about?

Fucking hair grows back.

I think the system considers it “changing your identity.”  Folks, if my hair was wrapped up in my identity, I would have committed suicide by now, as my hair is always messy.

Kids want to be cool like everyone else.  So if the neighborhood has mohawks, so should the foster kid.  Ever get gum in your hair?  If it is real bad, a haircut would save it.

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Stupid Rule #3 — Foster kids sit in the back of the car.

Am I a criminal?  Am I?  I fucking hated everytime I was moved or transported and was “forced” to sit in the back of the county gray or white car, with the BIG state seal on it.  Comon?  I understand the safety of young children, but do you have any idea what it feels like sitting back there scared and ALONE? By the time I was a teen being transported, I felt like a criminal sitting alone in silence in the back.  Put the kids up front with the workers.  And if the kids are too young, bring another worker along to sit in the back, so the kid is not alone.  It’s bad enough feeling all alone and scared, but sitting in the back in silence separated by a big seat makes it all worse.

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Stupid Rule #4 — Giving states money for kids that get adopted.

It corrupts the system.  Period.  Give money PER FOSTER CHILD in the system, irregardless of what happens to the child.  All children deserve the best treatment and goals.  Offering money for those adopted encourages the system to focus more strongly on those that are “adoptable” — younger, whiter, no problems, etc.

ALL KIDS should get equal focus.

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Stupid Rule #5 — No driving.

In some states, youth in foster care are not allowed to get a driver’ license.  In other states, the decision rests with so many different people;  bioparents (sometimes), foster parents, case managers, or county directors that it takes forever to get a license.

In many cases, foster parents don’t want to sign off  or social workers do not have authority to sign for foster youth or the department won’t authorize a teen to drive.  In any circumstance, there is ALOT of red tape.

Furthermore, to drive, teens need insurance.  If teens are not working, where does the money for insurance come from? — foster parents?  the system?  Ideally stipends should be given to cover the increase in foster parent insurance rates.  Makes sense…huh?

I left care at 18 with NO license and did not get one until a couple years later, when I decided to get off living on the streets. I learned to drive from a fucking pothead!  If you expect us to be adults at 18, doesn’t one of those privileges include driving?

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Stupid Rule #6 — Some states do not allow single people, gay people, or those cohabiting to foster.

WTF?  So, it is much better for kids to linger in group homes or hotels or shelters than in a foster home, because a potential foster parent is single or gay?  Who the hell thought of this?  Why?  I would have been happy in any stable home, with someone who cared about me… Kids are looking for caring and understanding and love…and don’t usually care who is sleeping with who, as long as they (the kids) are not in danger.   Additionally, don’t you think in some situations, these individuals might be ideal for children; for example, those children that have been abused by men or those children that may be gay/lesbian.  Why are we excluding people?  Why?

I just wanted a family…SOMEONE to love me.

I believe  states, like Arkansas and Utah, don’t allow people to foster if they are cohabiting with a sexual partner outside marriage.  So, like you can’t live with your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend and foster.  Um, really?  I bet you a million bucks that  foster kids have seen and experienced a hell of alot worse than “people living in sin.”  And again, is living in a group home or shelter or worse so much better for our psyche….

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Stupid Rule #7 — Foster parents can’t have pets.

OMG.  Yes, this is true.  No dogs.  No cats.  No pets.  While it is possible that some (not the majority) of foster children are cruel to animals, the truth is that animals can provide ALOT of healing and connection for a child who is alone and scared.

The “liability” regarding injury is ridiculous… bike riding, playing ball, climbing a jungle gym or swinging….all have “liability.”

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Stupid Rule #8 — No trampolines.

I personally have never been on one, but I heard this on the streets from kids who were in foster care in the south, where I guess trampolines are *in*.  Apparently even with the safety net, trampolines are not allowed.  LOL, because I really don’t know what they are..  I knew one kid on the streets who was foster care in Texas who said they could have trampolines, but they were prohibited from doing somersaults — he said WTF, that is what kids do…..  I’m from the city..we don’t have these things where I am from…

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Stupid Rule #9 — Required “case-loads” workers should have.

You read statistics that say caseworkers should only have 12 kids or 16 kids, but they have 25 kids or 32 kids.  CRAP!  Remove the numbers and focus on the kids. Most caseworkers can’t do a good job with alot of kids.  Period.  I’m stupid and I know this.  Reduce the number and stop making rules about how many kids a worker should have.  Some of the things number  should depend on is:  age of kids, long-term kids vs. reunification kids, kids with problems vs. kids without.

How can you make a rule like this?  Stupid.  Some kids simply need more attention.   Fuck, it should be about the kids, not numbers.  Hire more workers with all the dam money you are getting for getting kids adopted!

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Stupid Rule #10 —  Access to foster care records.

FREE MY RECORDS!

Under social service laws, my records are considered confidential. That is years of my life that I should get to keep for memories, to help piece my life together, or to fucking burn IF I WANT. In many states the records are confidential.  Some states allow access, but it takes years.

How fucked up is it that I have to petition a court who 99.99% of the time DENIES the requests for records.

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

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.

With all the stupid rules that exist in foster care

you would think it would run like clockwork.

Yeah….

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Foster kids and food… It sure can be a fucked-up relationship. To those who hurt me…past and present

264 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Crumble  |  February 18, 2011 at 2:30 am

    I really like the first point you made. Kids ‘sit’ in the system for way too long. WAY too long. I like the idea of the parent having to start on the case plan in the first three months, and then having limits on how often the parent can go MIA before the child is permanently removed from their care. I understand your frustration with the hair cutting thing – but where I live it was necassary to put a ‘rule’ in place because in local Native American culture the hair is never to be cut, but foster parents were cutting the children’s hair regardless of cultural values. Some foster parents do it with the best intentions, but it was seen as the ‘white man’ trying to assimulate the Native.

    Did you know a lot of women get hair cuts after they break up with someone, as a way of moving on? I know some foster children that felt ‘cleansed’ after they had a hair cut – like it gave them a new identity somehow.

    I hope that one day real social reform takes place. Thanks for your insights.

    Reply
    • 2. chelsie  |  October 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

      Reading all of this just made me sick. Literally. my boyfriend was just placed in foster care and I don’t even have anyway of talking to him whatsoever ! The way they treat kids is totally unfair in everyway. Its like they are punishing the kids. They get cut off from everyone and aren’t even allowed to talk to their friends or loved ones. I just do not see how that is right. Somebody needs to put a stop to this.

      Reply
      • 3. Jackhammer  |  December 11, 2012 at 10:53 pm

        I agree, they are comepletely running the relationship I have with my girlfriend. They tell her she can hardly do anything until she is 21. Fucking 21! She has a perfect home with me, but no, they’ll questoin why she wants to go with me. I want to do something to. They treat these kids like they are criminals. I hate the word “Ward”, becasue to the states that means nuisance, that means unwanted and pushed to the side. My girlfriend is severly depressed and I’m the only person in this world whoi truly makes her happy, and yet they keep her in a system where she is constantly reminded of her past and her mistakes. She has a chance to go where she will be loved and feel at home, but since the state doesn’t care, she’ll be stuck until she graduates and probably until we’re done with college. It might even mess us our plans to get married, it’s total bullshit.

        Reply
  • 4. LK  |  February 18, 2011 at 7:39 am

    LT

    There are some very good reasons for some of the rules. It’s not as simple as saying, “if the parents want the kid back they’d be doing everything ASAP.” IN many cases they do, and the workers are just hell bent on terminating their rights anyway. And while in your case removal was justified, in many cases it is not. In many more cases the workers lie about the parents, they lie to the kids and they lie to the foster parents.

    In my case, my wife was put through a psychological beat-down by a sadistic worker who got off on the power trip. She did everything that she was supposed to do, and even did more on her own. Now that we have a relationship with her son many years later, we found out all those years he was told that she wanted nothing to do with him. That wasn’t true for a single moment.

    Re: Haircut. I know of a case where a Muslim woman lost her daughter. The foster mother took the kid in for a hair cut. That violated her religion.

    Re: Records. If they handed all the records to all the kids, there would be so many lawsuits against them that they would no longer be able to sustain the beast.

    Reply
    • 5. Crumble  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm

      LK,

      While I am sorry that you had a negative experience in the system, I do not think that Case Workers, for the most part, try to terminate rights right away. There has to be significant cause. It is funny, because almost ALL of the parents I worked with said that they did not do anything wrong, and that “it is all lies” – even if the parent was caught red-handed in an act! The denial is surreal.

      It is possible that the Case Worker had a vendetta against your wife – but often the Case Workers change so frequently that even if one worker has a personal interest in terminating your wife’s rights, it is unlikely that it would have carried through the chain unnoticed. Moreover, a judge, who hears both sides, granted the termination of rights… So…

      The system actually favors returning children to their families of origin. If this did not happen in your wife’s case, it is probably because there were several outstanding issues. Several. I have seen more children returned to scary homes than I have seen children not returned to parents who would provide an ‘acceptable’ home. And I use the word ‘acceptable’ lightly.

      Again, I am not saying it doesn’t happen – Lord knows it does. But it is a very rare case. I am sorry if this situation was one of the very few in this category. But by and large, the biological parents rights outweigh the needs/best interests of the child.

      I am glad that you now have a relationship with her son.

      (I also totally acknowledge that the system is no place for a child – so it is horrible that the child had to go into care.)

      Reply
      • 6. LK  |  February 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm

        Crumble

        I understand that you find the reality of the system hard to believe, but that which the nice social workers tell you in foster parent training is not always the case. There are good caseworkers and there are bad caseworkers. I’ve worked with both. There are good foster parents and bad foster parents, I’ve seen both, but according to them they’re all good. So whose to believe anything in such a system based on lies and misinformation.

        And what makes you think that these people are doing a good job with the kids anyway?

        Reply
        • 7. Dianna  |  September 17, 2013 at 1:57 pm

          What bothers me is that the kids don’t have a say. Where are their voices? Why does anyone need to be their voice if they are old enough to make complete sentences they are old enough to speak for themselves. Maybe they don’t want to live with their bioparents, maybe they don’t want to live in foster care. Maybe they do. Doesn’t anybody ask the kids what they want? Why aren’t people working in their favor instead of creating dictatorship and thereby hindering the growth of the kids who are subjected to “tough circumstances” even further? There is one bottom line point in this blog that really got to me and I related with… they just wanted to be wanted, to be loved. If there isn’t anyone available to do the job then give the kid the ability, the power to love themselves by giving them the freedom, the tools (classes) and the chance to grown on their own. Some kids believe it or not, do not need parents. All they need is guidance ie. teachers and social contacts and outlets. Some kids find parentals and guardians obstacles rather than the helping hands they were suppose to be. Empower the kids.

          Reply
  • 9. CherubMamma  |  February 18, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Oh I agree I agree! There are so many messed up rules!!

    Where I live I’m most upset by the background checks that are required by EVERYONE! Granted – I get it! Background checks are necessary for foster families. They are very, very important. However, foster kids, neighborhood kids and more have to submit to background checks if they hang around at my house and are over the age of 14. Foster kids should be allowed to act like regular kids and shouldn’t have to tell someone, “I’m sorry. You can’t come over to my house until you’ve passed a background check. I go to school with you every day and you’re my best friend – but I’ve got to make sure my agency likes you too.”

    Anyone over 18 has to go through full FBI fingerprints if they want to stay overnight at my house. That means if my parents want to drive down the 1200 miles to visit me for a week, they have to fill out paperwork like they are moving in. No provisions if my sister just happens to be free and wants to tag along. No, she would have to stay at a hotel.

    Then, once in my house I’m not allowed to treat a foster kid like a regular kid. If a foster kid spends a lot of time over at a next door neighbor’s house, I’m supposed to ask that friend’s family if they will subject themselves to a background check. This is so subjective. What is a “lot of time”? It’s all up to the agency. But it just does more to make the foster kids like prisoners and the foster parents like jailers that no one trusts.

    I get that these rules were put into place because some stupid foster parents did some really horrible things. But it punishes everyone. The system is very broken.

    Reply
  • 10. butterflysblog  |  February 18, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Sweet LT – wow, these rules really are ridiculous. Especially your records!! WTF??? You’re not allowed your own records of your own fucking life??? That is such a self-serving rule for the state. Sweetie – I think you will need to get your law degree and fight this one personally, for yourself and all the other foster kids. Or, hire a lawyer, pro bono, (that means they will take your case for free), and fight this. Something to think about.

    Reply
    • 11. Becky  |  June 2, 2013 at 10:46 am

      It’s because the foster child’s record is tied to confidential information on other people, such as the parent’s psychological evaluation, drug screen results, criminal background checks, the CPS report that opened the investigation (which includes info on more than just the child such as info on the reporter), etc. In my state the record can be released but only after ALL of this confidential information is redacted which can take days depending on the size of the file. Plus there is the cost of copying the information (paper isn’t free). There is also the issue that a report from a 3rd party (i.e. psychologist, physician, etc.) is not allowed to be copied and given to another. HIPPA laws are a beast. Honestly, having worked in child welfare for 5+ years, I have seen several times that the information in the record is not only not helpful (a lot of it is government red tape and required forms) it’s actually harmful as it’s information the youth or young adult is really not ready, psychologically, hear.

      Reply
      • 12. Travis Mckee  |  September 29, 2013 at 4:59 am

        I was in foster care when I was six and my record was sealed when my parents rights were terminated. Now I am almost eighteen and my old case worker said that I am not allowed to see MY record I don’t see how that is fair. I know a lot of what was in my red folder that my foster family got when I was put in their home because they read parts of it to me. When they did read it to me I was too young to understand any of it but now that I am almost an adult I would understand it. I think that that this is retarded, I mean what is in there that they are afraid of me seeing. I think that they don’t give the children their records because of the info inside the record will hinder them in some way.

        Reply
  • 13. michelle v  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:39 am

    all of your points were well made :)
    you would make the best advocate/lobbiest

    have a fab time back at work

    ♥ michelle

    Reply
    • 14. faith  |  October 17, 2013 at 2:27 pm

      yes the same with me and im in foster care right now actually and they did the same to me

      Reply
  • 15. The Sleeper  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Some of those I never heard of. Some of them are ridiculous. Some of them are about safety. They all are about protecting the backside of the “system.”

    Reply
    • 16. Becky  |  June 2, 2013 at 11:03 am

      It’s about lawsuits. Parents are angry which means they want to get back at the state system that took their child(ren). Everyone wants to get paid. Which only means that anything that goes wrong the parents want to try to sue. When the state gets sued, EVREYONE pays the price. The “fucked up rules of foster care” are in place to keep children safe and to help prevent parents from being able to sue. The writer of this blog has a good point in that there are a lot of rules and some of them are crazy. But just like the warning labels on products, they are there for a reason, i.e. some dumb ass tried to use the product in a really stupid way. The state is not out to make foster children’s lives miserable (and I completely agree that it’s not ideal). If you want the rules to be relaxed for foster children, advocate for parents to not be allowed to sue the state because that’s why those “fucked up” rules are now in place.

      And by the way everyone, we don’t take children from their family and home for no reason. We don’t keep them from reuniting with their families for no reason either. It is a very happy day for everyone when we can return children home and feel sure they will remain safe.

      Reply
      • 17. Candace  |  April 30, 2014 at 9:11 am

        ‘And by the way everyone, we don’t take children from their family and home for no reason. We don’t keep them from reuniting with their families for no reason either.’

        That is hilarious.

        Did you know … poverty is a crime? Filing a suit against your landlord for failure to maintain the apartment can result in a state case on you? If you are the wrong race or sexual orientation, or a single parent… your attempt to have your landlord fix a leak, building infestation, broken anything can open an entire case about you?

        Termites are an acceptable white person problem, but cockroaches are an immoral non-white indicator of need to take your children.

        By the time you are vindicated, you are so broke you cannot even finish the suit against your landlord…

        Or afford the move. Bye bye to the new apartment. Maybe next year. But hey, now you’re so broke you qualify for Food Stamps and state daycare vouchers!

        Oh, and your reputation is ruined after the interviews with the neighbors, doctors, family, teachers.

        If I could have a do-over, I’d come back white.

        Reply
    • 18. Michael Zaldivar  |  September 30, 2013 at 4:23 am

      You mean the “CORRUPT” side of the system?

      Reply
  • 19. caroline  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I have a feeling that before #2 was a rule, a lot of foster kids were getting all their hair lopped off just for the ease of care by the foster parents.

    My daughter had hair half way down her back and it was infested with lice when she came to live with me. Her first weeks with me were spent struggling with her to sit down for hours long nit-picking sessions. Believe me, I was tempted to get it all cut off but knew it would be traumatic for her. Perhaps many other fosters would not have been so patient, and therefore that rule was to protect the children.

    I am sure that #7 has deterred a lot of good people from fostering. Most nurturing, caring people out there have pets, and as you mention, the pets can be a life saver for kids. I had my dog when my daughter came to live with me and when they bonded it added tremendously to her feeling of being “at home” here.

    Reply
    • 20. mayraa  |  November 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm

      When i was in foster care a few years ago my hair was extremely long . To my back actually . My foster mom my did everything she could before sending me to cut my hair on my weekly visit with my mommy. Eventually the pests went away. She never asked if i wanted to though . i understand though that she did not want her own son or daughters to get infected but well .. i had a lot.

      Reply
    • 21. Sheri  |  September 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm

      In Michigan you are allowed to have pets. ??? so I don’t know where they say you can’t. In Michigan they just have to be up with all of their shots and have their license.

      Reply
  • 22. attachment parent  |  February 18, 2011 at 10:02 am

    That is a tremendous asset. You will get through many trials and tirbulations if you can force yourself to do what you have to do.

    Foster parent rules are STUPID STUPID STUPID. here is one of the stupidist: foster kids have to have permission to spend the night out of the house and the home where they stay has to have a background check.

    GET REAL.

    Hi, little kamya wants to spend the night. Please get a background check for me, will ya?

    Hang in there LT. You are really smart and I hope being a grown up works better for you than being a kid did.

    Reply
  • 23. Kerryjo  |  February 18, 2011 at 10:06 am

    How about no sleep-overs????

    I hate that one the most. Do you know how many school age foster kids I have had that have been unable to do the sleep-over birthday party with thier friends!! I have to get bio-parent written permission or approval from the case manager.

    Reply
    • 24. h  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm

      ditto, ditto, ditto!

      Reply
    • 25. Lisa McKeithan  |  July 24, 2013 at 4:33 pm

      Which is so stupid, if they have lost custody of their child, then I don’t think they should have any input in their care now. If they didn’t care enough to keep their children in the first place, then the ones caring for the child now should be the main decision makers. I would not let my foster child do nothing I wouldn’t have let my won children do and they all have turned out fine with good educations, good jobs, and plenty of respect.

      Reply
      • 26. momof6  |  February 10, 2014 at 10:28 am

        Just because a kid was took doesnt mean the parent/parents didnt care. My kids were took because when my first was born they got a call saying I had no milk in my fridge. They came a checked. I had milk. A week later they came and took my son. After that they took my kids for reasons that were stupid. I wany my kids but now the only one able to come home is my 2 month old. If that even happens. But just because their there doesnt mean I didnt love them or want them. I love them more thsn most parents do and I miss them everyday.
        Do you realize how hard it is on some. Im depressed I cant look at their pictures and I write them everyday. I dont have anything left of my kids but pictures. And my dayghters room is waiting for her. Shes never been in her bed but I keep thinking she should be home and in her bed.

        But its not always the case of not wanting them. Its mostly because the workers get paid by tbe cases they gget and they go for the ones who have a bad background or a history. They do it so they can get
        Paid. I have a friend who works in a office as a worker. Just not in this city.

        Reply
  • 27. zero21764  |  February 18, 2011 at 11:16 am

    In MI we really didnt have many rules other then if you ran away in a 10 day period you would be living in a locked residential. I knew I had no other place to go so that was out of the option. Other then that it was pretty much living with another family, live by there rules cause its there roof. What state is this??

    Reply
  • 28. tikunolam  |  February 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    We have a giant trampoline. Our little one loves it. Glad its been allowed.
    We also have a cat. Thank goodness our state allows this as long as there is yearly proof of vaccinations.
    My little one had a haircut. The damaged, matted from not being washed hair had to be trimmed off. I didn’t ask permission. Sue me.
    15/22 is especially problematic for the under 3 crowd which is why some states, like Mississippi, has a 6 month rule for that age group.Unfortunately, we are stuck with needing to wait for our little girl to have been abandoned for 8 more months, you know, just to be sure the first 7 months mom’s been gone wasn’t a clear indicator of her complete lack of commitment to her baby who wouldn’t even know her anymore.

    Reply
  • 29. Laurke  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I hear you. Several of those rules don’t apply in my state, but some do, and I agree that they aren’t the well-though-out rules.

    Reply
  • 30. h  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Like many people have said the worst is the constant having the county sign off on friends etc…but I have great news about my county. They are finally allowing the FP’s to be prudent parents. I can decide to let the kid have free time and come home after school instead of sticking him in programs all the time so he has no me time, we can say yes to friend visits and dating without the county signing off. Also they are letting us keep some things unlock like shampoo/detergent – so the teens can actually learn how to do their own laundry before they age out! Here we are supposed to get them drivers licenses although there is no insurance for them so its up to the FP’s to make the decision to add them to their insurance policy. That sucks b/c the state does have low income policies and they should expand those to FC’s.

    Hair cut is stupid – its a control thing with bio parents and they need to stop catering to them.

    Records is huge because everybody can hide behind confidentiality and there is no accountability.

    15/22 – if they would only stick with it and not keep extending it for bios or offering guardianship where bios can continue to manipulate … I swear we treat our animals better. No one beats a dog and then gets the dog back – WHY IS IT SO MANY TIMES BIOS ARE NEVER PROSECUTED FOR THE ABUSE?

    Required case loads – private agencies in my state cant have more than 12 although the county worker has more like 80.

    Another big one you missed is changing it so that the FP’s who know the most about their FC’s actually have a voice. We are not allowed in court where I am. We send notes/forms to our the agency SW, who then sends a report to the county sw, the gal and therapists will write one, and then the judge makes the decision. The judge who has spent no time with the child…its all backwards that the more you know about a kid the less you have a say in what happens to the kid.

    6,7,8 are just dumb rules…that block many people from fostering. Along those lines increase the stipend I know so many states pay jack, yes I agree Fp’s should prove that they spend it on the kid, but many people cant afford to foster in some states that pay so low and also will not cover daycare expenses. If you are an FC then your daycare should be covered to any state licensed daycare.

    Reply
    • 31. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 1:45 am

      Totally agree, especially about the FPs having the least say. The others involved make decisions, without FP input, and then tell you what’s happening.

      Reply
  • 32. Grace  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    LT- I love reading your blog.

    Thank you for all of your fix the system entries as well as the personal entries.

    Once I am financially stable & finished with school, I’m planning on being a foster and/or adoptive parent. I will hold onto everything of yours that I’ve read and hopefully it will help me to be a better parent.

    Also, thanks to you (I had never heard of the position before), I just filled out an application to be a CASA. I can’t wait to start!!

    How are things going with KC?

    Thank you for sharing with us.

    Lots of love from NYC<3

    Reply
  • 33. Erin  |  February 18, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Those rules are definitely dumb. Kind of like the tag that came on my sister-in-law’s baby stroller: “do not close stroller with child inside.” Seriously? Who does these things? Sigh.

    I’m glad you made it back to work. Hope you’re starting to feel better. Hugs!

    Reply
  • 34. Ebony Downing  |  February 19, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    I’ve always wondered what was in my records, which stopped me from getting adopted. You just gave me something to start working on. I’m going to search more into it. I’ll spread the love as time goes on. Thanks.
    I’ll like to add Rule #12:
    You can go anywhere, and do anything you want, just as long as you report back after 48 hours or you will be considered AWOL and if that happens we don’t get paid for you, unless you sleep in the bed.
    Rule #13
    You only get $20 dollars a month for personnel hygiene. So you need to make the best with it. (You better have good hair, or know how to do hair)

    Reply
  • 35. idontwanttomiss  |  February 27, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    LT –

    I’ve read many of your blogs. I absolutely am impressed by your honesty and courage. As a social worker / therapist so often I meet young adults who stop voicing what they are going through – their thoughts, challenges, and dreams. Your writing is great reminder of so much that is wrong in “the system” of foster care and child protection…. yet is also a challenge of what needs to change. You have a strong voice that I hope you continue using. I’m new to blogging but glad that I came upon yours.

    Reply
  • 36. Arkansas  |  June 6, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    “I believe states, like Arkansas and Utah, don’t allow people to foster if they are cohabiting with a sexual partner outside marriage.”

    I don’t know about Utah, but you are correct about Arkansas. I agree 100% with what you have to say about this. It is embarrassing to say I live in a state that voted this in. However, I believe the state Supreme Court is in the process of over-turning it as unconstitutional to have ever been on the ballot in the first place.

    Reply
    • 37. Arkansas  |  June 6, 2011 at 5:40 pm

      oh, and YOU ARE NOT STUPID! Formal education or not, you are an excellent writer, as evidenced by your blog following! Keep growing and healing. You are loved and you are capable of great things.

      Reply
      • 38. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 1:47 am

        X2

        Reply
  • 39. frustratedfostermom  |  June 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    I’m totally frustrated right now with the haircut rule! I think it’s totally ridiculous that my 2 year old foster boy has to be made fun of at daycare (being called a girl by the older kids), gets his hair all messy/matted and junk filled because he is a two year old and he is a boy! It’s getting so long and in his face. The case worker gave me permission to cut his bangs because it was becoming a safety issue. Now the bio mom has decided that she doesn’t like him with bangs, so now I have been told not to cut his bangs anymore. His hair is so pretty, any girl would die for it. But a little boy should be a little boy and not have to worry about taking care of his long curly blonde hair! And it’s not a first haircut for him. His hair was cut by bio parents before he entered the system. Ugh.

    Reply
    • 40. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm

      hoo! lemme tell ya sweetie….hair don’t make the gender.
      If I was you, I’d tie it or wrap it (Indian style) until long enough for a pirate tie-back. a little creativity?……….
      A boy can’t have gorgeous hair? really?
      That’s because he’s a male of course, and lord forbid – that child has to grow up resembling a corporate suit or even better – a five star general !
      Have a little look sometime at how many fine figures of macho manhood (who happen to play professional sport) have long locks.
      same old bs………lets reduce down to 3 things, what boys can do and what they’re made for……….while increasing a girl’s probablities a hundredfold. (not a matter of settling old scores, dearies…) it’s a matter of raising good human beings for the trying times ahead.

      Reply
      • 41. Heather  |  July 10, 2012 at 2:09 am

        I don’t think that’s what she meant. I think she’s just frustrated she can’t cut his hair because she’s not allowed, and it’s messing with HIM because kids are making fun of him for it. I’m sure she just feels like she has no say in the matter. She also didn’t say that him having pretty hair was a bad thing, it sounds like she adores it, but that he shouldn’t have to struggle with having so much. I know if I was a small boy, and kids were making fun of me for my hair, I’d be pretty pissed.

        You took what she said and blew it our of proportion, and made it into something it wasn’t.

        Reply
    • 42. Becky  |  June 2, 2013 at 11:20 am

      Talk to the child’s CASA or Guardian ad Litem about this. They can present it to the judge who can order that the child be allowed to get his hair cut. If nothing else, it shows the judge how the parent is disregarding the needs of their own child for their own selfish views.

      Reply
  • 43. Foster Mom in Training  |  July 5, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    I agree with your assessment of the rules, LT. The 15/22 law is frustrating. Knowing that the bioparent can get on, fall off, get back on and fall off of the wagon, repeatedly, is hard for the children. I also agree that “nontraditional” families should be allowed to foster and adopt. We have a great same-sex couple in our foster classes. They have already received a placement. The are great parents.

    Have you ever considered advocating for foster children’s rights in the future? You have a strong story. You’ve lived through the system. You are already making a difference in the lives of children in the foster system. I would love for law makers to hear your voice.

    Reply
  • 44. Foster mom  |  July 23, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    The background checks are some of the ones that effect us the most, as we take teenage boys. Thankfully, “occasional” sleepovers at MY house are okay. But for them to go anywhere else overnight-OMG what a fraking nightmare. Even when they are 18. But that actually varies by the office the kids are from. One of my boys’ workers required background checks of everyone over 16 in the house if he went to sleepover even AFTER he was 18 and in voluntary (here a kid can stay in care until I think 23 as long as they are in school FT). My other 18 year old, now that he is 18, all I have to do is say it is okay. Different office, different workers, different rules. Oh, and my now 20 year old who was fine to sleep here when he was a foster child at 19, and able to share a room with another foster child cannot spend the night now without a background check and then he cannot share a room with a foster child (not even my 18 year old) WTF!?

    The driving is another one that we have trouble with. We cannot afford to add the boys to our insurance. But we want them to at least take the classes through a driving school. One good thing about here is the state will pay for 1/2 of driver’s ed but not for extra road time.

    Thankfully, we can have pets. We just have to provide proof of rabies shots. We actually foster animals as well and the boys seem to like that they have something in common with them-all in limbo.

    Another annoying rule here is getting permission to travel out of state. If the state doesn’t say okay, the kid has to go to respite. Even if we want to take them we can’t.

    Foster care isn’t a place to grow up. We try to be a permanent home for the boys. Unfortunately, some don’t know what to do with a stable home.

    Reply
    • 45. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:43 pm

      wow.
      So much of what you’re describing resembles what the whole civil rights movement waged war over in the mid-sixties. We make fun of the caste system in India – yet here it is alive and well.
      Move over, Oliver Twist, and give Les Miserables the news.
      I don’t know how you put up with it – it would drive me crazy. It’s like muzzle dog walkers. ‘scuse me fido, I know your nose was made for sniffing….but we’re gonna muzzle that away from ya now for the sake of public liability, and all……..
      If kids are “saved” (from whatever) by fostering, then just exactly how is their salvation supposed to make them feel equal (under the law, remember?) to any other “lucky” child who is also no more or less parented……but somehow – that’s the real cheese, while a foster is just a burger slice?
      Foster mom, I’d say you have the patience of a saint, bless you.
      I couldn’t do it. It would be world war 13 and counting, every single day. (but then, I highly doubt I’d pass the initiation, anyhow.)

      Reply
    • 46. foster single mom  |  May 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

      what state do you live in? are you a single foster mom? I am applying to be one. any advice help much appreciated. I am fostering in texas. Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
  • 47. Missy  |  August 17, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Thank goodness the no-pets rule doesn’t happen in our state. Our foster son LOVES his kitty.

    Some of the rules I “get” but I don’t particularly like either. For instance, bio relatives get “first dibs.” It’s frustrating that you can be there in sickness, in health, for better, for worse, and do everything you can for a child for over a year. And then some relative says, “Well, I don’t really WANT another child right now, but I might take him anyways.” Gee, the family sentiment is commendable, but it kills me that we might have to give up our little boy to someone who doesn’t really want him.

    Reply
  • 48. sassymisstallulah  |  August 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Hi,
    I came across your blog while looking up the 15 out of 22 law for a class I am taking. I am studying to work in the juvenile court system. I read your page and wanted you to know I heard you….

    Reply
  • 49. cvarner  |  September 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I am a foster parent and I agree with the fact that the system is messed up. Bio parents should start working on their cases within the first few months or lose the opportunity. I believe in forgivness, but I believe that parents are given too many chances while their children have to suffer in the wait for them to decide to be parents. There are too many children and not enough foster homes to help. If we hold the bio parents hands forever then they are just going to keep on with the same behavior. In our time fostering, the county we live in does and offers every chance and lending hand to start fresh. It’s up to the parent to help themselves. As a foster mom, I wish I could take more children. I have found that foster parents can be the voice for these children. Step up and do it. Be there in staffings, in court, in any place that you can be heard. These children need you. In most cases, they sure as hell can’t depend on their own parents to step up. My prayers are with every child. And for the writer of this, you have found your voice, keep talking. You have lived it and you can help others! I wish you all the best!

    Reply
    • 50. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

      cvarner,

      Go to any good fight cps forum, and you’ll discover the stories of thousands of decent parents fighting to get their kids the hell out of foster and back home again. Contrary to Walt Disney Presents American propaganda…..they’re not all deadbeats, monsters and incompetents. Not since the Child Industrial Complex showed up, “processing” child raw material for fun and profit. Check out how middle, and lower class people are bankrupting themselves silly trying to jump through Kangaroo Court’s silly circus hoops – $10,000 Guardian ad Litem fees, $200 stupid “parenting” classes (which many of them could teach) multiple McPsyche evals (would you like fries with that?) etc ad nauseum…..all for whatever assets you have, and more. Once you’re bled dry, you’re terminated. Anyone who has never been through this has any idea what it’s like – but try this for size….your most precious offspring has just been walked up to by a stranger and in front of your very naive eyes, a bullet is put into that child’s brain. Nice, um?
      TRP is essentially the death of your child (to you) – though they’re not actually dead.
      Imagine being buried alive……………………….only you don’t die for lack of air in a casket (sweet mercy) you die by one cut to the heart, with every beat – for the rest of your life.
      I guess I could say um, people really need to know this? I’m not surprised that they don’t though. It doesn’t really serve or fit into the sanitized bite-sized scrumdeleicious creamy dreamy wonder at our own selves, and how we couldn’t possibly mean any harm to the poor dears. We’re so very, very family-friendly. Just like Mein Fuehrer was. Something to think about.

      Reply
    • 51. Karen  |  April 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

      My kids kids are in Foster care, and the only reason they wont give me my kids back is because of 7 yrs of. Alligations made on me, its always the same alligations, open closed case! I don’t wanna sit around Ans wait for that knock on the door for them to tell me that one of my kid’s have been killed or hurt! It wouldn’t happpen if they were with me! It’s were they are safer! My kids are begging me to come home! Why can’t they listen to my kids? They don’t care about me or what happens to my kids! I’ve done everything, and been very compliant! I’m not on drugs, I’m not abusive! Why wont they give my children back?

      Reply
    • 52. Sharon Elizabeth Whitfield  |  February 18, 2013 at 11:20 pm

      I went to DSS for help after I lost my job and was about to lose the house we were living in. One friday evening two social workers came to the house. One of the workers said to me, “Because you have no place for you and your children to live, we are placing your children in foster care. Over the next two years they had me jump through a myriad of hoops. Drug tests, alcohol screenings, mental evaluations, parenting classes, etc. All of which I did and of course passed. I found a job washing dogs. I worked 80 hours a week. They took out so much child support, that I only brought home $150 every two weeks. At this time I had to live in a shelter for women. The only thing I was unable to do was get a 3 bedroom house. This was a requirement for reunification. I was only allowed supervised visits one hour per week. It broke my heart when my children would ask every week if they were coming home. I felt that the situation was very unfair to them. So I, relinquished my rights. I did it because I love them and only want what is best for them. Even though I know I made the best decision for them, I cry every night. I worry about them. I miss them so much. We had a great life together. And then it was ripped apart.

      Reply
  • 53. sam  |  September 28, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    everthing that you said was soo stru and this will help me with me research paper soo much but if u have ever done one, the teachers are so picky so i need to know your name to use your information, but its also the correct way to do a paper
    so if you could let pe know please

    Reply
  • 54. Shocked  |  November 9, 2011 at 9:43 am

    I just saw this forum, Bio mom terminates writes we signed all the paper work to go forward with adopting four sisters, they are all excited, the oldest is unsure what she wants until she talks to Pals coordinator , BUT she wants to stay with us regardless. The case worker Vince Kanak from Hurst TX is forcing the 16 yr old to be adopted. Is this legal? The case worker then emails the therapist who stated she thinks the oldest should decide for herself, so the case worker decides to email her a nasty letter stating she is unethical and can not believe she does not want kids to be adopted, SHE NEVER SAID SHE DOES NOT WANT KIDS ADOPTED! So the case worker decides ” ill show you who he boss is ! He is pulling all four girls 11-9-11 and the girls are devastated, who speaks for the girls because our agency SAFY sure is not doing much?? manny@casperphotography.com

    Reply
  • 55. Tori  |  December 7, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    I have a question but I can’t find a answer anywhere on here.. A friend of mine has two children in Foster Care and the Foster Mother is single.. The kids have told their mother that her boyfriend stays the night…Is this allowed and if not can you point me in the right direction to prove it??
    Thanks in advance.
    T

    Reply
    • 56. Ketsy  |  February 29, 2012 at 8:31 am

      In the state of Ny… You can have overnight visitors once in a while, like relatives from out of town, kids sleep overs and so one. Once a person has extended interaction with a child- boyfriend, girlfriend, they must have a background check, fingerprints and must be checked through cps to see if they had any form of child abuse or endangerment charges.

      Reply
  • 57. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Well, another way of infantalizing the youth of the nation. You guys don’t want to hear about the legions of 14, 15 and 16 year-olds who had all the freedom in the world to entirely run their own lives….35-40 years ago. I recall a distinct disinterest in the adult population at that time – to control them in any way. We were smart enough then to know that the state hadn’t a clue how to “parent” a kid – so they didn’t bother – except with residential schools for Native kidnappees.
    More often than not a kid is punished for winding up in foster in the first place – then punished a whole lot more after arriving. The point is…far too many (with too much power over kids) don’t give a ruddy shit about kids at all – never did, never will. Says an awful lot about the foster system, and foster “parents” that a kid ages out of the money jackpot. Nice way to tell them that’s all they’re worth.
    Strange – when I was 18 (a long time ago) most of the 18 year-olds I knew would have blessed the day they could escape family ties. But that was a different world….and there have to be family ties in the first place to want to get away from.

    Reply
  • 58. peter  |  December 13, 2011 at 12:52 am

    im a foster carer in australia..i really dont know what is wrong with the law makers in the states.over here any one as long as their record is clean can foster once they are 18:gay,single,defacto..dont matter.im in a defacto realtionship,have trampoline and also have 11 dogs,40 cats and 13horses. Also in australia all of the records are kept and passed on to the foster child once they are 18.

    Reply
    • 59. Ketsy  |  February 29, 2012 at 8:50 am

      That’s awesome. I’m a “resource parent” here in the state of N Y. Here, sexual orientation, marital status and personal relationship doesn’t matter. You can be single, gay, living with your significant other… Whatever. As long as you are 21, have space for them, can pay your bills without a stipend, clean background, no communicable diseases, and you and your pets have shots/medical up to date. Becoming a foster parent was tedious. 10 weeks of training, background check this, home inspection that, run here, run there, do this, do that. You can do this, you need to do that… But the moment you ask a caseplanner a question, nobody knows anything. Its very frustrating, but at the same time… I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for my children- yes, that’s right… My children… in my home, yout are my child. No better or worse. If you are returned to you bps, that’s ok… But in my home and heart is yours while you are here and even after you’ve gone.

      Reply
      • 60. Erica  |  May 21, 2012 at 12:54 am

        I wish I had had more FP like you. Mine sucked, and that is putting it lightly.

        Reply
      • 61. Tasha J Rodriguez  |  June 29, 2013 at 1:51 am

        Ketsy,
        I am a foster mom in Idaho, and I feel the exact same way you do. I tell all of my kids, ” as soon as you can in the door you became my child. I will treat you just like my biological children, and I hope you expect nothing less.”
        My husband and I love being foster parents. We have had wonderful caseworkers, and have loved, and still love all of the foster children that we have had. We don’t do it for the money; we do it because the Lord has given us so much it is our privilege to give back to these kids that need a safe place to live.
        There are a lot of hoops to jump through, but we are taking care of someone else’s child. It is better to be safe than sorry.

        Reply
  • 62. Living Day by Day  |  December 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

    As a single parent in the state of SC I am happy to say they don’t have a rule about fostering!! So far I have been mommy to 42 wonderful young ones! I am not sure about the gay/lesbian/ single male route. I have a feeling they probably have a problem here getting licensed.

    Reply
  • 63. new foster mom  |  January 24, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    I agree. I am a foster parent. My husband and I have the coolest kid and I live in fear that they will give him back to his mom. He has THE BEST life now. His mom is showing up for visits now after no sign of her for 7 months(they won’t tell me if she started rehab) and the soc worker says that enough for her to get him back. I don’t know how I’ll deal with wondering if she’s hurting him again or if he’s hungry. Also my bio son loves him and thinks he’s his brother. He loves our family. There are cases where it’s best for kids to be w/their bio parents but not this one. knowing what i know, we should be able to adopt him now.

    Reply
    • 64. Silverflamerider  |  May 21, 2012 at 1:00 am

      You have no right. He loves your family because he lost his. You said yourself you have little to no information and yet you state that you should be able to adopt this little boy after seven months? Do you know the hoops they make parents run through? You can’t treat these kids like lost puppies. We have and had families before you ever came into our lives. You should honor his mother. If it wasn’t for her you would have no foster son. You are a temporary place for him to take shelter until his parents can love him the way he needs to be loved, you are not his home. One day you will get tired, he will get bigger and angrier, feeling increasingly lost in this world without a connection to a family. And you will send him back and fuck over his whole world. When you are done you will say, well his family was fucked up they ruined him before we could save his poor soul, he’s unlovable now. Ugh.. sick.

      Reply
      • 65. Anonymous  |  July 20, 2012 at 6:26 am

        I think you’re way out of line here. I’m fostering a family member, so I have background info, and def know our home has been and will be a better place. Additionally, I was in the system from 7 to 17. You don’t know what background info was passed on to the previous commentor. In our case, we received the arrest details, previous abuse charges, criminal history, etc. I knew a majority of the info, but I still learned a lot through that.

        I’m really frustrated that neither parent had done anything for 11 months. Our state doesn’t require much. Classes on drug use, drug testing, classes on physical abuse, and stating in touch weekly with the case worker. None of these simple things have been done. Because of it being kinship placement, we haven’t received a dime, nor would we ever request anything.

        The father has recently appeared again, although he still hasn’t met any of his simple requirements or ever appeared in court. We’ve been to court everytime we’re required to, sat with our frustrated fc who is too young to understand the wait, and driven a LONG distance to be there.

        We want to be this child’s voice. She was in a harmful environment before, and we believe we can provide her a safe, loving, and nurturing place to thrive. Due to her age and the length of time we’ve had her, she only know us as her parents. She doesn’t know anyone…not her mom, dad, anyone. I should say in our case the parent lost 3 previous children in the system due to drug abuse, physical abuse of the children, and jail time. The other parent has a restraining order against them that doesn’t allow them near the child due to the violence they committed in the child’s presence. Even with all that, the parents still have more rights than we do!

        Not every case is a case where the parents aren’t given a fair shake. They can blame the system all they want, but, in reality, there is often a better place for the child.

        I grew up in a group home, which isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. But guess what? It was better than any of the places I was with in my family’s care before that. I’ve put my faith in God, my self through college, and have worked hard not to repeat cycles of abuse. Being an adult without a parent is just as hard a when you’re a kid, but it gives you strength. And in think you learn to see things for what they are.

        Reply
    • 66. Tasha J Rodriguez  |  June 29, 2013 at 2:08 am

      new foster mom,
      I am a foster mom as well. One thing you must remember is that in fostering you are providing a safe home for a child until the parent is able to provide a safe home. If the state determines that the parent can no longer give the child a safe place to live, or is not complying with what is being asked of them and terminates their rights.
      You should be supporting the parents and showing them that you aren’t trying to take their child away from them. That is not what fostering kids is about.
      As foster parents we aren’t there to judge what the parents are doing, or how they are doing. That is the reason why caseworkers aren’t allowed to give out too much information about the bio parents.
      The hardest part is loving these children, but loving them enough to give them back to their parents if that is where they need to be, and if the state says that is where they need to go.

      Reply
  • 67. misty  |  February 4, 2012 at 2:10 am

    My heart goes out to you, i pray many blessings would come your way. I’m a Foster parent since age 23.I’m now 35 , me and my husband .We didn’t get any children for a long time I think the DVDs workers felt we were too young. We had a couple babies which never stayed long an 5 year old girl we almost got to adopt and I’m grieving that loss. They say big need yet we rarely are called on. We are stable kind people with a lot to offer.I’m thinking of checking into group homes after reading your message. I hope my response is okay with you. I just want to be here for a child who needs someone , and I’m a believer ,a commandment tells us to care for the orphans and widows.I’m amazed how a some react to this its easier for them to understand how one could be a pet lover. COME ON PEOPLE! Theystill seem confused when I explain children are so much more valuable than pets .I don’t get why anyone should not love to help a child. Thinking of you wishing you comfort. Have you ever heard the song HE IS CONCERNED ABOUT YOU. CC Wynnon. I believe is the lady that sings that. Ill pray for you. Thinking of that song and you brings tears to my eyes. I hope you can hear that ,and know Christ cares…..

    Reply
  • 68. Chanson  |  February 6, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    My husband and I are just beginning the process to be foster parents and we are in Missouri. we have 4 dogs which are 3 labs and a boxer. My daughter also has 3 cats which live in her room which is a very large rec room similair to an apartment. Does anyone know what missouri guidelines regarding pets are?

    Reply
    • 69. Kasha  |  February 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

      In Missouri you just have to show proof of vaccinations for your pets. Background checks typically only go back 7-10 years, so don’t mention it and it probably won’t come up. We have been Missouri foster parents for 4 years and it certainly has it’s ups and downs, but good foster parents are really needed for the kids.

      Reply
    • 70. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 1:59 am

      I’m a FP in California and pets are fine. However, I do urge you to set limits on where the pets sleep from day one and keep the rule. Some kids abuse animals because they were abused and it’s their way of dealing with it. I have had many kids these past 5 years in my home. I had one kid pull whiskers out of my cat (age 15) and one kicked the dog when my back was turned (age 7, major sexual abuse history). Luckily, my cat ran an hid and only came out when the kid was sleeping. Luckily, my dog didn’t bite the child in reaction. I would have been devastated if the dog got a bite record. I kept the dog locked in my room, unless I knew I could watch the child with him.

      Even though it sounds harsh, tell the kids that the dog/cat sleep in your room only. Kids will beg for the animal to sleep in their bed, at first, but eventually they will adapt and have a good relationship with the animals. Watch the kids with the animals and gently explain what is and isn’t ok. For instance, I had a kid that roughly petted my dog. The dog would start to snarl. I told the kid to notice how the dog was responding. Each kid is different, but set limits with your pets, as you observe the kids with them over time.

      Reply
  • 71. Chanson  |  February 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Another question is for a couple i know that would also like to be foster parents. One of them got mixed up with the wrong crowd when they were younger and got caught with marijuana and recieved a msd. charge and only ended up with a fine. This was 21 years ago will this get them denied as foster parents in Missouri?

    Reply
    • 72. Ketsy  |  February 29, 2012 at 8:57 am

      They only go back 10 years, in anycase, as long as they are upfront about it, it should be fine. They do consider time since the incident. Major violent crimes are the disqualifiers. Rape, muder, child abuse, armed robbery… Those serious felonies are the problem.

      Reply
  • 73. Mary  |  February 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

    I get the whole hair cutting and lice infestation thing. I have had my little ones for a few years now, my SW used to call me after every visit and tell me that ” mom says” the girls had lice? I would check and sure thing they had it. After so many times I would have the school nurse check them right before the visit, she would give me a note stating that all children had no lice. She was putting lice on the kids every week….. sick.
    Also mom went MIA about two years ago, we don’t know how many dads are involved or how to find them, but they still EACH have a lawyer that tax payers pay for, but my kids only have the GAL office and my big mouth speaking up for them.
    “Broken System” hardly describes this mess we are in.

    God bless every one and keep writing. It helps me know that is not just me.

    Reply
  • 74. kyle norris  |  March 2, 2012 at 8:43 am

    why cant gay people foster kids? they have rights too.

    Reply
  • 75. Tee  |  March 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    The reason I have my foster son sit in the back of the car is because there are airbags in the front seat. It clearly states that kids 12 and under need to sit in the backseat.

    I agree with a lot of the complaints. I think parents are given subsidies because it opens the doors to more foster parents adopting and being able to afford it whereas they might not otherwise.

    I think a lot of the rules are crazy too like foster kids not getting to spend the night at a friend’s house without permission, no trampolines, etc. Alot of this is to protect the child in foster care. When a child is in the system, it is the State’s responsibility to protect this child. They are taking every measure possible to protect these kids who have already been abused.

    Reply
  • 76. Rebecca  |  March 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Hey LT,

    Would you be ok if I quoted you for a research paper I’m writing about foster care? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

    Reply
  • 77. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 4:10 am

    I have children i foster care and they are in different homes, one of the foster homes has a pet , I was told by the foster mother and also the case planner that there was dog in the home, there’s more to this story. But anyway, I live in NYC does the NO “PETS” rule apply in the state of NY? Also, when was this page last updated?

    Reply
  • 78. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 4:28 am

    I agree with the rule about the D.L. I think that it has more to do with liablity reasons. Like if the foster child has and accident then the agency is responable for the child, and the biological mother can sue CPS or the aggency or the state. If my child where hurt in any way and the agency did not ask me if I thought is was o.k for my child to obtian a drivers licence I would most likly sue the shit out of them.
    And maybe that’s moreso because that (they) the agency and ACS has done so much worng by my children and myself. I mean like one of my childrens leg being broken while in care with no explaination!
    It probaily has to also, do with that the state dose not want to pay for the childs insureance.

    Reply
  • 79. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 5:15 am

    I don’t have a comment but rather a Question: what is ”Trampolines”?

    Reply
    • 80. Judy  |  January 15, 2013 at 12:16 am

      Its something children or adults can jump up and down on

      Reply
  • 81. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 5:38 am

    #1 you are not stupid and don’t think that of yourself. And 2 i think that these agencies just take kids for the money they will make for the state. You should know its a bussiness it’s not about the children but the money!

    Reply
  • 82. angela  |  March 24, 2012 at 2:25 am

    Wow powerful message…

    Reply
  • 83. angela  |  March 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Wow are system is really messes up something needs to be done I was in the system myself and its not fun at all I’m traumintize by them.

    Reply
  • 84. Jemma  |  March 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Thats totally bad….. I am 11 and in foster care (in england) and fucking those rules are harsh and stupid!!! Over here we are allowed pets and trampolines but apparently I am too young to walk to a school that is really not that far away so I have to go in a stupid taxi everyday. You have all these things about being healthy and not driving too much but everyday social are sticking kids who are not fucking 2 yr olds in cabs!!! Why should foster carers have to treat you differently from your parents???? And another fucking police checks just to have a sleepover!!! How mean!! Why should people have to be married to foster? There is nothing wrong with gays, Lesbians and bi’s they are just like anyone else except they like different people. It is just sick discrimination.

    Reply
  • 85. GRANDMA Tammy  |  March 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY.
    WHY DON’T THE CHILDREN LIVE WITH THE GRANDPARENTS.

    Your so right..and I am so sorry what happen.
    I am a grandmother who got the phone call to pick up my grandson. because his parents was on drugs. I thank GOD each day. the police called me and not some damn foster care worker.
    I paid $14000.00 for my grandson in probate..F family court. thats bullshit. the grandparents in up paying for the parents lawyer..WTH..thats wrong..So I made sure my grandson case I was paying for was in PROBATE.
    GRANDPARENTS OPEN YOUR EYES..DO YOU WANT YOUR BLOOD LIVING IN FOSTER CARE. REALLY.
    STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING..WE ARE BLOOD NOT THE CARE WORKER.
    Everything this kid said is true and then some.
    I have heard of girls being put in a home and RAPED AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 3..Really. and BOYS too..OPEN YOUR EYES GRANDPARENTS this is the life you want your grandchildren to live???

    THINK THE NEXT TIME YOU SMELL SOMETHING FUNNY AND YOU SEEN YOUR GRAND-CHILDREN ..AND YOU TURN AND WALK AWAY..WHERE THE CHILD IS GOING TO LIVE..not WITH YOU…if you don’t FIGHT FOR THEM..

    I help grandparnets KEEP Little Grand CHILDREN out of foster care..OPEN YOUR EYES>.IT WORKS>

    I do say..thank you for sharing this..BLESS YOU>
    WALK WITH ANGELS>>WE ALL LOVE YOU

    Reply
  • 86. Julie  |  April 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I was just google and trying to find a voice for foster homes to speak in Michigan and there really isnt and it is so true with some of these rules… It is one of the hardest jobs I have ever done and so unrewarding/

    Reply
  • 87. Marie  |  April 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I started working on my case the day after my daughter was taken from me. She was initially taken from me because my place was messy after I moved. Then the case worker added obvious lies to the charges but because she was a government worker everything she said was taken as fact without any proof whatsoever. For example, the worker said I ‘admitted to having blackouts where I go into a rage and beat myself in front of my child and do not remember doing it.’ Well, if someone did not remember doing something then how could he/she admit to doing it?? That is just one example of the many lies in the report. I had not told this worker anything of the sort. My daughter even started telling everyone I had been falsely accused. They retaliated against me saying I had been coaching her. She was 14/15 years old. I couldn’t even get her to clean her room when she was living with me. How could I have ever coached her??

    My court appointed attorney stipulated me to the charges even while I was objecting to them. I wanted a trial. The judge just smirked at me and says that I couldn’t object because I had stipulated. I was denied a trial. I was deemed guilty of things I had never done. The judge stated that she did not care whether it happened or not and even said she did not care about my constitutional rights. I even had evidence at the time that proved the case worker was lying but was never allowed to enter it since I was not allowed to have a trial. And over the past year they have added more allegations to the record that I am not allowed to dispute.

    They even gave me a brother in the documents that I never had. I said when I first read them that I did not have a brother by that name, but it was never taken out. Maybe some day I will meet this fictitious brother? And the case worker said I suffered from “delusions” but she repeatedly for over a year mentions the same nonexistant brother? Who is the delusional one? Perhaps she is projecting a bit there? It is almost humorous if someone wasn’t being hurt by this lunatic. In this case a few different people were hurt by this worker’s lies.

    I have never been a druggie. I was never a boozer. I was a respected long-time student at the local university. I was close to having my master’s degree in criminal justice. Now, my master’s degree will be worthless. No government agency will ever hire someone with my ‘record’. I am over $130k in student loan debt and can never pay it back. I’ll be lucky to get a job flipping burgers.

    I later learned from my daughter that the case worker, lawyer, and judge were all facebook buddies. And she showed it to me.

    I complied with everything on my case plan. While I was working on my case plan, they were badmouthing me to my child in foster care and telling her that I was not even trying to get her back. I started making my daughter perfectly aware that I was doing the case plan so that she would know I was fighting for her and they were lying. They retaliated against me for doing so. Later my visits with her were terminated altogether based upon more lies they concocted against both me and my daughter. Some of the lies were obvious. For example, they said that my daughter was failing school because of her visits with me. At the time of this testimony, my daughter had all A’s and B’s in her classes. And they knew it was a lie when they did it. At the next hearing they submitted her real grades going on about how her grades improved because visitation was terminated. Her grades actually went down after visitation was terminated because she was so depressed about it.

    The case worker admitted at the court hearing that I complied with the case plan but then stated, “but we feel that she only did it to get her daughter back and has not learned her lesson.” The judge even acknowledged that I followed the case plan, but then stated that it was not good enough.

    And there was obvious gender bias with the case. My ex-husband was allowed to badmouth me to my girl for over a year, in front of the workers, in facebook messages, and no one cared or acknowledged it. My daughter asked me a question during one supervised visit about something that he had told her and I answered her question. That was taken as “emotional abuse” and “disparaging her father” and further grounds to terminate visitation. It was not even disparaging her father since they didn’t think the subject matter was a big deal in the first place. They were just fishing for things to use against me. But he disparaged me in every contact he had with her, and upset her greatly by it, but no one ever thought he did anything wrong. He ended up with my daughter who he had not even visited with since she was a baby.

    Most parents start working to get their kids back right away. The workers lie and say they aren’t. Even in cases such as mine where the parents meet all of the demands, they will find any reason, even if they make it up, to keep the parents from getting their children back.

    And in the issue of substance abuse, people usually use the substances to cover up whatever pain they are feeling. Do you have any comprehension of how traumatic it is to have your children taken from you? So the addicts are placed in a situation where they have a huge trauma heaped on them and addicts tend to turn to substances even more to deal with trauma. The addicts need help and compassion but instead receive judgment and scorn. There are better ways to deal with it then what is being done, but then the states wouldn’t receive as much money from the feds.

    I have never used drugs. I have never turned to alcohol to deal with my problems. I have known others who did so. The ones who seemed to be best able to get over the addiction were the ones that learned to face what they were running from when they started using in the first place. They learned how to cope with it and future situations. They no longer ‘needed’ the crutch and was able to draw strength to move on. Most substance abuse therapists I have heard of just focused on not using instead of the deeper issues. The substance abuse is really a symptom of a deeper problem. They treat the symptoms instead of the true problem.

    In my case, the case worker sent me to a therapist who immediately started trying to get me to go along with having my parental rights terminated. While the written goal was reunification, the oral goal was to send her to live with her father. The therapist I was sent to immediately started telling me how I didn’t deserve my child, going on about the things I had been accused of doing, telling me how I needed to accept that I will never get better, and was trying to browbeat me into walking away from my child. I stood up and walked out of her office instead. I was never going to walk away from my child. And I have always denied the charges made against me. I was just never allowed a trial to prove my innocence. It is a shame in this country that you are guilty without a chance to prove innocence.

    One of the last times I saw my girl, she was crying because they wouldn’t let her come home. That image haunts me. That memory will haunt me forever. I lost my girl forever.

    The truth never matters when dealing with these cases. The courts just rubberstamp the cases to move them along. Any parents who are innocent and try to fight are retaliated against. And most parents who comply with them never get their children back. I am just one case proof of many of this fact. They even acknowledged in my case that I complied.

    Reply
    • 88. lisa  |  June 15, 2012 at 3:14 pm

      You are right saying the truth never matters when dealing with these cases. First my 18 yr old is back in group home after 11 months trial home doing well with me at home until his 16 yr old sister made a hotline about him. Now she is in foster care supposedly protecting her from hitting me. The system is so backwards but if they didn’t lie and make up stuff then they wouldn’t get all their government money they get. My son had a job & they took it away. Look out because if one kid is in the system they will look at the others. PROFIT FOR KIDS! They kept changing SW, I’ve seen SW’s, Juvenile workers, & Juvenile chief officers quit- these are the ones who know the system is unjust and have a heart. Anyway I took parenting classes paid over $200, I did everything they wanted & now two kids are in the system instead of one. They say reuniting with family was the plan & a SW would come to home & give papers that it was going to happen until court that morning, the papers were all different. They don’t care it’s a money game to them. I’ve even seen SW make paperwork up right in front of me. I know their telling the foster parent lies about me. It’s actually sad. If your a foster parent don’t judge the bio parents because you really don’t know any truth. I defenitely don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs. If your a FP then don’t judge because you don’t really know what the bio parent has been doing & how hard they have tried fighting for their kids. FP be aware of the SW lies because if they didn’t lie about these cases then they wouldn’t have a job and Foster parents wouldn’t be needed. It’s a MONEY MARKET. They aren’t protecting kids, there just making a profit. I don’t believe they were ever going to reunite us, but as long as I kept doing their game they were having fun with it. I tried to look up how many families they really reunite and can’t find any info. There is no money in reuniting with family. The psychologist was worried because I wasn’t divorced from my husband-of course she was being paid by state. How is that reuniting family? LIES LIES LIES! The judges, GAL, lawyers, psychologists, and SW all get paid. Foster parents too. BE Aware foster parents and be nice to bio parents-it’s not always their fault. It’s all in the numbers, the more kids the more money! LOOK OUT! IT can happen to you. Oh and when I was in parenting classes a FP was in trouble because she couldn’t control her foster kid so then state was looking at her own child. Shame Shame America! Our children will take care of you someday!

      Reply
  • 89. Stanley  |  May 5, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Up here in the Great White North we have two especially stupid rules regarding foster kids:
    1) foster kid’s can never, ever be left home alone, no matter how old they are. This makes 100% sense for little kids… Not so much for older ones, like my 15 yr old foster son. It is *literally* illegal for me to leave him at home while I walk the dog, do a quick grocery run, etc.

    2) foster kids need written permission *each* and *every* *time* they leave the province. In theory, this rule makes sense… in practice, not so much for me. I live in Ottawa, Ontario and Gatineau, Quebec is 600 m from my house (my house is 2 blocks from the interprovincial bridge). I work on the Quebec side. The convenience store with the best candy (sour gummy spiders from Couche Tard!!) is on the
    quebec side. My bio daughters used to go to school on the Quebec side (well, until I threw my hands up in despair at being unable to get permission to send my foster son to the same school, which is all of 900 m from the house. Because the school is in QC!! I had my girls pulled from the school so all 3 of them could go to the *same* school on the Ontario side).

    I’m all for safety and protection — god knows, foster kid’s have been through hell and deserve all the safety in the world — but I fail to see how banning my foster kid (and my bio kids, by default) from a great school *just* across the provincial border makes him (or anyone) safer. Or the dire consequences that would kick in should he and the girls make an unplanned (and therefore *unauthorized* and essentially
    Illegal for him) run for sour gummy spiders !!!!!

    Reply
    • 90. miss care  |  April 16, 2013 at 2:37 pm

      I am sorry for everyone that grew up not having a good foster family that works with the bio parents. I am a foster parent raised three of my own have two step children and a full time career I treat them like my own and their moms like their moms. She talks to them we do surprise visits. They tex her. We take the kids on trips. They have sleepovers, they choose when to get their hair cuts, the rules we have is if you are going to swear not around young kids or adults, no drinking till of age but if you do please call for a ride home no aftermath, be kind, be proud, tell us what you need or feel we can’t always read minds. And they will get a older car when they come of age. Their parents should not be punished nor them. I will stand by their parents as long as it is good for the kids.

      Reply
  • 91. kat82  |  May 28, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    You forgot another stupid rule, if they red flag you, you cant adopt or foster children….

    Reply
  • 92. Kathy  |  May 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    I agree with you, because I am trying to raise my grandchildren and they are putting me through a ringer and the father of two of them is getting more chance then anyone I know. I have had the kids for two years and he has been in there life for a about one year. But I have been in there life since the day they were born. They system is very messed up.

    Reply
    • 93. Kimberly Kirchhoff  |  July 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

      My mother nearly lost her business keeping up with their demands and took great care of the kids! The system is failing completely. It is failing everyone, especially the poor kids!

      Reply
  • 94. emilie  |  June 4, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    my children were recently taken from me by cps. i havent stopped crying in days. my kids are my world. i have never failed a drug test i have a stable home where they have their own room filled with toys i did classes within a month that takes most 6 months…they filed for emergency removal for no reason the children were in no imminent danger. if anyone knows any loop holes or can possibly help me i would adore you. these kids are my world and i feel like i die a little more every day they are away

    Reply
    • 95. SM  |  June 20, 2012 at 11:10 pm

      Gosh that’s like what my parents went through before I got my current worker…
      Call the workers or at the next court, demand to know what else needs to be done…
      If you can, get a lawyer, but find one on your own not a county one, and try to research the lawyer before you hire. Prayin for yah. :)

      Reply
    • 96. Sarah  |  November 14, 2012 at 8:04 pm

      You know there are always two sides to every story. Kids don’t get taken away for no reason. Babies don’t get taken from you the moment there born for no reason. You may be ashamed of the reason that they are being taken away but there is a reason. One of the girls I went to school with lost all three of her kids because she wouldn’t break up with her boyfriends a “reformed” child predator. She is a very nice person but she chose him over her kids and she will tell anyone that will listen that the state took her kids away for no reason. The state takes babies away that test positive for drugs. I have seen kids get taken away because the family dog bit them and they wont put down the dog. If your child keeps coming into the ER child services will get called. Some mothers like keeping there kid sick. I’ve seen it. They love the attention they get, then they’re shocked when OCS gets involved. We’ve had people leave there kids in hospital rooms while they go out to smoke. Just leave them by themselves and are shocked when they get back and social services is there. I remember a kid came in with bruises all over and the mother was trying to protect the father not the kid. She wanted the kid to tell us that he fell down the stairs when it was obvious he’d been beaten. Now OCS may visit you for stupid allegations from dimwitted neighbors and friends calling in suposed abuse. I don’t deny that. You may spank your kid. Fine but if it leaves bruises its abuse. Your neighbor may think your satan for displining your kid. Social services isn’t going to take your kid just for that. Not unless they see something like bruises. Your kid may make up a story that alerts teachers. Most the time that gets sorted out the tale from the truth. I’m sorry when people’s kids get taken away and maybe they shouldn’t have. But most the time I think they get pulled out of the home for good reasons. You may not want to admit it or in your eyes it wasn’t abuse when it was. Your loved one would never hurt your child but his criminal past says other wise. If you chose him/her over your child you deserve to lose them. If you chose your pets over your kids you deserve to lose them. You need to own up to the reason and I believe almost everyone deserves a second chance. Just don’t get on here and tell me the state took your kid for no reason.

      Reply
      • 97. Ainsley  |  November 26, 2012 at 8:16 pm

        You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about because kids DO get taken away for no reason ESPECIALLY if they’re young enough to get adopted. Do some damn research.

        Reply
        • 98. Pam  |  December 8, 2012 at 7:15 pm

          Yes they do I agree with you. I have a soon to be daughter-in-law that when she was in foster care she got pregnant because the foster parents left the children with their own teenage daughter. needless to say the daughter would invite boys over. She had her daughter when she was 15. The Foster parents talk this 15 year old to sign tempoary custody over to them so they could draw on her and get medicial attention if need be with the understanding that when she got old enough to leave. She would go get an apartment get set up then she could come and get her baby. But nooooo they are now trying to get her for abandment and adopting her baby. There are some good foster homes but there are some bad ones and this one is bad. They have 3 large dogs in the house like Labs. The house smells like a kennel the kids smell like dogs and are covered up with dog hairs. We now have join her to get her baby back and her little sister and borther who desperate to get out of this home. I thought foster care is to help family to reunite now tare them up. And I do understand there are some parents that should never had any children and they don’t deseve to have them back but don’t take them out of one bad situtation and put them in another. And by the way this is in northren Kentucky

          Reply
      • 99. Paige  |  December 3, 2012 at 1:12 pm

        I am in foster care and have been for about 2 weeks now, I was taken away for no legitimate reason,I’m 15 and I have no say in anything until I’m 18,all this because my mums a spiteful bitch.

        Reply
      • 100. fucklifecompletely  |  August 26, 2013 at 1:25 am

        Fuck that “no reason” I can’t even go bak to my mom an she did absolutly nothing wrong she has 9 kids (me being one of them) I’m still in the fucking system an I have been for three fucking long ass years. But none of my siblings r in here so explain that one. No reason my ass live the life of the foster child in todays world see how fast ud be complaining. All these rules r bullshit let alone fuckes up. Just leave the child with the parwnt atleast it would have a better chance of growing up. Foster kids get killed in foster homes becuz the foster parwnts r only in it for the money an now a days that’s all this society fucking wants is money only for greed. Open ur damn eyes to wats really happening the radio an all those broad cast things to donate to foster kids is fucking rediculous we get money have have thousands of clothes and misc. Shit I’m sitring here on my galaxy s3 with two fuxking laptops tell me am I poor an I’m not recieve cash. Yea sure cuase the fuckinh county is ripping it from my moms paychecks eveey month becuz I’m not with her. They won’t let mego bak to her my mom is a damn square never drank or smoked in her life works two jobs is married and owns an 8 bedroom house an two vehicles 4 quads an shit an yet she’s still unfit for me to go live with her. Yea an now that I had my daughter they took her feom me two months after she was born becuz a social worker said “I’m a minor an I can’t handle responsibilites of raising a child” im 17 an i planned to have my daughter and i am fighting for her bak becuz im not about to let these bastards walk all over me while im in foster care . FUCK THE COUNTY, GOVERNMENT, AND SOCIAL FUCKING SERVICES. YOU RUINED MY DAMN LIFE TO GROW UP IN MY OWN NORMAL FAMILY!!

        Reply
  • 101. laura  |  June 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Thank you for this insight from a foster care childs point of view, I hope to soon be a foster parent and I appreciated your point of view. Here in wa they’re starting a aging out program to assist kids who age out of foster care without being adopted. One more program to hopefully assist.

    Reply
  • 102. SM  |  June 20, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    -In my county, you get your cell phone confiscated when you come into care… It took me over a week of begging to give it back.
    -Drivers have to walk kids into school ( even teenagers!) unless the social worker fills out paperwork…
    -All medicine, even lactose intolerance pills, must be administered by an adult.
    -Adult contacts spoken to at all parties (really bad when you don’t want your friends parents knowing you’re in foster care).
    -Mandatory therapy, even if you don’t need it.
    -You should have seen how long it took them to get me a laptop for school.

    Reply
  • 103. Kimberly Kirchhoff  |  July 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Don’t call yourself stupid because let me tell you that anyone who wrote that well thought out little article is anything BUT stupid. My sister is a crack head, drug addict who lost her kids to my mother. The oldest one she lost when he was 11 to her ex and he is now 20. The 16 year old & the 3 year old were put into “kinder care” with my mom who while her husband was dying of bone cancer & her 33 yr small business, a kennel, pet supply & groom in town was going under because of Petco & took 7 12 hour days a week with no days off to run, and she is 67, still managed to take very good care of them, close her store to make all the CPS meetings and counseling appointments, doctors for the little one who had anal herpes , and the older boy was an alchoholic on probation and had lots of meetings every week. I watched my mother run herself ragged and helped as much as possible. I have Cancer as well. The state lied, switched workers, played games, and treated us like we were criminals while we built them rooms, bought them clothing they had never had, fed them healthy to get rid of all their health problems caused by being underfed & when fed given only sugar, got them therapy and worked with them through their anger and sadness and confusion. The state made it almost impossible to have day care by screwing the daycare providers out of pay. The state left the mother a homeless drug addict and did not get her any help at all. She slept in the snow without a blanket many nights & if you heard her life story you would see a human being who needs help and therapy as well. NYS then ripped the child, my nephew, who at that point had become a fixture at my house and was extremely happy, healthy, and well behaved, and I asked for and got NOTHING for it, just LOVED HIM. We are poor and I am very ill but the state came and ripped him away from us because the mother, my sister had taken to coming around my mom’s store to use the phone, wash, and ask for money. My mother of course felt sorry for her and was listening to her say that she wants help and wants to change her life and be a good mother. One day I had surgery and my mother took my nephew to the store with her. Now, the mother had visitation twice a week but it was supervised and held at the states offices each time. The mother had to take 2 buses to get there & showed up every time. ALSO; she had only tested positive for pot which is important because although she is a drug addict they had absolutely no proof of that and took him away because she punched my mother in the face & had pot in her system. My mother did not deserve that but if I said I never got the urge I would be a liar. My mother is old school and extremely judgemental & difficult so they had it out after living together for twenty years. So the mother always showed up for visits but the state kept promising to help her find a job, a home, and get her son back. She had free legal aid but was never actually represented and they seemed to just stand there and allow anything to go on without ever letting her have her say or tell her side. So back to the story, my mom brought my nephew with her that day and my sister stopped by to use the phone and wash up and saw her child for ten minutes. Bad luck had it so that my sister’s probation officer stopped by to see her because he was passing in a car and saw her go in & reported that the child was there at the store with her. My mother had not broken the rules otherwise and this was just by chance. They then called the 16 year old and our case worker who was a lying crazy freak btw…many complaints against her, & our 3rd worker who never called back or answered her phone and cancelled most appointments so really knew NOTHING about Phoenix or his case & as you said had way too many cases to do anyway! She interviewed the 16 yr old illegally without the guardian’s permission or presence and as he puts it threw a lot of questions at him quick and slipped in something about his mother being able to see the baby all the time. He assumed she was meaning the visitations twice weekly and was never at the kennel so would not know what she meant anyway or be the person to ask and he said yes. Later he dealt with a lot of stress because after she took them to court and used his statement to rip the baby away from a happy home my mother & sister were very angry at him for lying and he took a lot of blame & slack for it. Of course that is wrong because he had been through a lot too but they were upset because they thought he did it on purpose or was not listening and yessing her to death when he was told never to speak with her without a guardian present because she was very very shady. I stuck up for him explaining that if they would have paid a day care provider more than $1 an hour he would have been at day care and none of it would have happened in the first place. It was no one’s fault, just bad luck and a tricky, lying worker. The next week at court they left the teen in my mom’s custody & took Phoenix screaming & crying away from my family. They put him in Foster Care and almost immediately they were asking him to call them mommy & daddy. He was dirty and they cut his hair all weird and uneven. They were feeding him all junk food, and he was off his vitamins and back on Gluten with rashes and red cheeks and cursing, screaming, angry behavoir. We were very close with the doctors to finding out wether he was asbergers or autism or just had some symptoms of adhd from being a crack baby. We had taken away gluten and he was like a new child! We had letters from teachers recommending me for custody. They told him he was going to be put with me. I spent $100’s and put myself in credit debt building him his own room and making the house perfect. They did a backround check & came to the house twice to inspect it. They knew I had Cancer. I had no warning & was at a wedding in North Carolina when they called. I was in it so it was the whole shebang, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception. I told them I would drive all night if I had to and was made to feel we were just signing papers and picking him up and had passed the test. Everyone was so excited! We hung banners, got cake, and drove all night to get to the family area of the courts. The worker was late. Like I said I am in tons of pain from my health issues. I do not drink or smoke or do drugs. I can’t because I have Lupus as well. I do however have a prescription I have had for a year that I save for 7 hour car rides after I do something as strenuous as a wedding. Usually after an event like that I need a day or two of rest. See in my home I have a beautiful, successful 16 year old daughter who I had at 19 and raised alone. I did darn good. She is amazing and a reflection of my mothering as well. They never interviewed her though. My fiance works for the government and has an FBI backround check every year for 8 years. I took what is called a muscle relaxer, a very light one because tranquilizers make me feel out of control and sleepy where as this one I save for bad spasming and long car rides cause a lot of pain. We went in to see the judge late because I was told to meet the worker, the real lying, slickster one, and she did not show till forty five minutes later. She gave me the address of where to get him, said she had heard wonderful things about me and the inspector loved what I did for him in my home.I have had a few miscarriages over the years because of the cancer and I am a daughter of DES so I guess I went nuts a bit and went all out for him. We have cats & dogs & a trampoline though and they loved them and said it was great. So they suck totally different ways I guess! The judge looked pissed when I got in and they said your all late and she apologized. They asked if I wanted custody and I smiled and got teary and excited & the judge looked me up & down like dirt (I am pretty but look sick)and asked if I would take a drug test. I said sure but I was a little insulted that they handed him over to so many people without one and were now asking me. My fiance had just partied and drank all weekend at a wedding which is normal if you ask me and does not make you a bad parent. He may fail which could hurt his job with the government but I had a prescription and by now my one measly weak muscle relaxer was long gone most likely. So I bring up the issue honestly and say that I would gladly be drug tested weekly if need be during the mother’s visits or whatever & that we NEVER drink at home or do any drugs at all, but that son this year I am having surgery to remove tumors and will probably be on medications afterwards. I asked why my worker did not tell us it may be a possibility because if she had he would have abstained and I would have never taken a pill for the ride. Why were we told he was already ours and now we are being treated like criminals or suspects after all that we were put through already? The judge did not have much to say. He was a really nasty old prick and if you want the truth I think he did it just because he did not like my sister and knew she was a drug addict so assumed I may be as well. It pissed me off. I took the test but the judge then said that he would not let him be released to me until the results and another “hearing” ??? I was not aware there was going to be a first hearing!!! I was not allowed to call Phoenix myself to explain and had not seen him in a month. He was at some halfway home in Bayshore. Get this his mother was allowed to call him every night! I don’t associate with her though so I was just a mess. A crying slobbering mess. I had killed myself at a time when I was supposed to be resting and doing all this raw diet, vitamin stuff and I was painting and lifting and building. All his toys were sitting there, the welcome home party with no guests. It was awful and the worker said he cried uncontrollable for hours when he heard he would not be seeing in his words, “Unkie Munkie, Aunt Kimmie, and KY (Sky) his cousin or his brother AWSTUNN. The worker told me it was fine. That I should get my doctor’s note about the cancer & write a letter about the wedding and they would retest my fiance & also to bring his prior tests from work. She said I could come the next day and petition the court and go through it again or the judge might just change his mind. Well the next day that same worker who told me how wonderful I was and highly spoken of by the schools and counselors and the kids put him in foster care the next day and did not tell the judge anything or stick up for me at all…she said something to the effect of we don’t need to put him in another problem drug household!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also heard the judge did this because I have Cancer and he did not think I could take care of him! I am not dying yet people! I plan on living and am doing a damn good job of it if you ask me. So the foster home he is in is really fishy to me and now my sister has done rehab, therapy, anger management, parental training, and is tested 4 to 5 times a week at her outpatient treatment. She attends AA meetings, works full time, and got a beautiful apartment which I decided to send over the thousands worth of clothing, furniture, toys, art supplies, bedding, shoes, and extra primer and paint from the fun colors we painted his room, so he has a mint dream room over there….including a slip and slide he could be on right now if the courts and state workers were not liars and cheaters. NOW they have decided to go against what they said which was that my sister would have him back in August especially because she did this all herself with no help from them, but maybe even sooner. They have changed it suddenly to that they are adopting him out because he has been in foster care for fifteen months!!!! FIVE MONTHS…he was in KINDER care with family…meanwhile the mother has done everything herself that they said they would do. She met their goals without their help and they have done things to this poor kid he will never get over. He is four now and I can’t even write this without pouring tears. I can’t afford a lawyer and the thought of him being adopted and never seeing him again is awful. My daughter got to go see him as my sister’s guest today for the first time in 5 months. I miss him so much I don’t sleep some nights just wondering if I will ever take him to the park again or catch fireflies again or just snuggle up on a sick day n watch Toy Story 3 over and over or Cars. I wonder if he will ever run to me like he did when he got off the school bus every day and jump into my arms and squeeze me hard like he could not wait to see me. He was difficult & had OCDs but we had great ways of working through it all and I never felt so proud as when I saw him able to breathe through his frustration and do a little yoga pose instead of breaking or hitting. He gave me a reason to fight every day. I have many reasons but nothing is better for you than a 4 year olds perspective on life. We had such fun and I wish he could be here with me. My sister even wants me to have him and we do not speak! If she can’t have him she asked he be placed with us but no one cares about what is really best for him it seems. I get to see him next week and am so scared that I will mess up and not be able to hold back my tears when I do but I have to for his sake. It’s gonna take some preparation. I wonder if I could afford a lawyer if I could adopt him? Your story made me see what he is going through and how badly I want for him to be out of that. Truly if I can’t have him & his mother does not get him he is a very cute white adoptable kid and even though I will die inside my whole life not knowing where he is or who he is with and it will kill my heart which has been through enough I do hope that someone absolutely wonderful gives him the most stable and amazing life ever afforded a kid in the history of adoption:( YOUR ALL RIGHT WHEN SAYING THE TRUTH NEVER MATTERS TO THESE PEOPLE. IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOUR WORKER AND IF THEY ARE JUDGEMENTAL AND ASSUMING OR LIARS OR NICE PEOPLE. WE WENT THROUGH 3 AND THE FIRST ONE LOVED US THE SECOND WAS NEVER AVAILABLE N DID NOT DO HER JOB AND THE THIRD WAS A COMPLETE LIAR AND WANTED TO DESTROY US FOR SOME REASON! I THINK BECAUSE SHE WAS CAUGHT OUT THERE WITH A FEW THINGS AND IT MADE HER LOOK BAD. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO YOU & THE LAWYERS PROVIDED TO THOSE WHO CANT AFFORD DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

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  • 104. Kimberly Kirchhoff  |  July 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    It is me again, the gal who posted the last comment. If anyone knows anything I can do to help get him out of Foster Care please let me know. If anyone knows a lawyer who will do pro bono please let me know as well. I really will do anything for this kid. That year with him was the best I have had in a long time. He brings so much sunshine to our family. The thought of someone getting him through an adoption that should not be taking place at all is unreal. These people who work for the state should start having to be held accountable for their actions and poor judgement. There is a home with ten foster kids in it around the block from me that has been reported a ton of times and just keeps on trucking. I have seen one of the foster brothers get the sister pregnant at 15. This small disabled girl Rebecca would ride around very young all hours on her bike with no helmet and I started inviting her to play with my daughter. She ate like she was starving all the time, and because she was disabled and had a breathing tube it was easy to hear her during hide & seek but my daughter who was 6 at the time would pretend to look all over first to make her feel better. Rebecca was maybe 9 at the time but looked and acted about 5 or 6 too. She would throw her garbage on the floor & tell me to clean it up in a nasty tone and would try to hurt the dog and curse at it, but I figured she had been through a lot and just said we pick up our own garbage and showed her where the can was and then put the dog in it’s kennel when she came by. One day I called her foster mother to ask if she was allergic to anything because I was going to do face painting on her and my daughter. The mother had the kids say she was not home and when she heard it was someone who had her kid here she got on. She was very weird on the phone and never seemed to care where she was or who with or ask her to come home. She was out in the dark all the time. She left her glasses here once. Iw ear glasses and could tell by looking through them she needed them to function every day but no one came to pick them up for weeks. I called and called. That is how I finally found out where it was and went over and saw it. It was unreal!!! I wanted to take all the kids immediately out of there! I have a messy house and am the LEAST judgemental person but it was unspeakable and the kids had no supervision at all! The next year one of the teens raised there beat up his girlfriend on my front lawn after leaving a party a few doors down drunk. When I came out to try and break it up he attacked me and called me all kinds of disgusting names. The cops came and did nothing! They did not even scare him or go talk to his parents! I had to stop letting Rebecca over when she started telling my daughter about performing fellatio on her older foster brother. Thank god my daughter had no clue what the words she used meant yet. I called to report that a little girl just claimed to be doing sexual acts with her teen step brother in a foster home nearby and I guess nothing was done about it. Kids still come and go out of there. Every Summer I have a garage sale to help with bills and at the end they all come and I give them all free clothes and toys and whatever is left that they want. I also gave that girl a couple of helmets so they do not ride around without them anymore. My question is how can I be considered not good enough and be asked to do tons of work on my already okay home that they allowed him in for a whole year with no problem if people like that are foster parenting???? So what if I have cancer. So what if my husband had drinks at his brothers wedding and bachelor party? We had no idea when they were going to call and say it is time! Ugh. Frustrating.

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  • [...] food for thought, check out THIS POST and others from I Was a Foster Kid. (Warning: Forceful [...]

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  • [...] The author of I Was a Foster Kid writes in her post, “The ——up rules of foster care…anyone?“: [...]

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  • 107. marilyn farrow  |  July 25, 2012 at 2:13 am

    I think you should write a book, tiitled i was a Foster kid, all this you have experienced may make you rich in the near future jjust tell the truth ,think smart not hard, also i’m a foster parent I believe that the kids should have the latest hair cuts, the school should not revel that they are foster kid, that’s no ones business, I feel you should traet them as you would your own children,make them welcome,they can go in and out the fridge just like your kids do, tell your familt this is your kids so treat then as such, buy them nice clothes you can bargin shop, but no goodwill or salvation army stuff fresh crisp new clothes in style like the other kids. do not treat them like outsiders, tell them it’s not thieir fault theare in the system, teach them to hold thier hesd up, and don’t think of the negative but the positive things, and take advantage of all the programs that foster care offers. when evryone sayds you can’t… let them know you can!! that’s how I run my foster home, and they all come back to visit . Good luck let go…and really find you and don’t take your kids through this terrrible ordeal.

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  • 108. Janie Bonner  |  July 31, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    i am 17 years old and i am a foster child have been in and out since i was 13. i am on my own laptop that i bought with my own money from having a job since i was 16 of course i live in tennessee and i have my own camouflage truck and license. i had my license and a different truck before i came back into foster care. in my foster home the kids fight and wrestle and pretty much act like kids. i am a girl and me and the other 16 year old boy get into fist fights all the time. i pay my own everything i dont even ask for toothpaste in my bathroom. as the reason i was removed this time was because i was pretty much taking care of my parents. my vehicle is in only my name and the insurance as well. i come and go as i please as long as they know where im going im allowed to leave with my boyfriend and am fixing to move from west tn to east tn to leave custody with a family member. i will have all my things in my truck and i will be driving myself i guess maybe a caseworker will be in the vehicle with me and the other caseworker will drive herself maybe? anyways.. most kids cant have a phone but i pay for that as well. and most arent trusted this much.. the only reason why i have so many waivers for these such things is because ive already showed that i can do it on my own and thus nashville signing a waiver for my vehicle and license. i have been here since february and will be exiting soon.. oh yeah i ride up front with my caseworker and we have a trampoline that the kids kick eachother off of. so i dont see why others cant have 1. anyways wish me luck with my new family as i will be getting back into public school and living in a big city which im not used to at all!! thanks and best wishes to all the other kids out there:)

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  • 109. Paid To Drive  |  August 15, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    It is in reality a nice and helpful piece of info. I am glad that you just shared this useful information with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

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  • 110. Brandi Serna  |  September 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I know how u feel. I haven’t been in the system myself. They put my children in the system over something that happened @ the babysitters. Then told me I was responsible for what happened I should have not left them with a babysitter. So I told them ok well I am a single mom that has to work so give my kids back and when get ready for tomorrow I will be sure and drop them off here pick them up here when I get off. I’m sorry that no one told about ur free baby sitting services. That when they told me I wasnt getting my kids back. Then about 2 years later I remarried and had another baby and they took her straight from the hospital. I had to fight for 18 months to get. Custody of her. During that 18 months, I got Pregant again, when our baby was 5 months old and I was 3 months Pregant my husband got killed in a car wreck. So even though I got custody back when she was 18 months old she didn’t bond with me as her mother. She wouldn’t eat, sleep, all she would do is cry. So I had numerous sleepless nights of not knowing what to do. For the system to sit up and talk about being so smart, they sure do some stupid stuff!!! They talk about how parents mess the kids up when they r the ones that mess them up. They act like a good old fashion but whoopin these days is beating ur kids! But that’s why the kids r the way they r these days! Cause they won’t let us whoop them on the butt! There is a difference in a beating and an ass whoopin!

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  • 111. kel  |  September 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I’m not sure why you think there’s a rule that you can’t have pets. At least in my state, there’s no such rule. You just have to provide shot and immunization records.

    Most of these rules make sense to me. You sound super bitter.

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    • 112. LooneyTunes  |  September 2, 2012 at 10:23 pm

      since you decided to step into my blog and insult me…

      let me give you a lesson

      FOSTER CARE IS STATE-BASED

      when i was in care in MY STATE, pets were not allowed in foster homes. allergies, dog bites, and other stupid shit would make good reasons why some states do not allow pets.

      if you come back to my blog, be nice.

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      • 113. hilary brodsky  |  December 28, 2012 at 8:42 pm

        I found your blog by googling foster care, i loved your honesty and sincerely hope that the information you provided sinks in to anyone who is fostering or thinking of doing so. i will remember what you have written and when a child is placed with us i will do my best to be a voice. Our goal is to help children, mine are incredibly fortunate and i wish more good people would help.
        I hope your life is full of success and i think you should consider being an advocate for others, even join a foster parent group give a voice to the kids to frightened to speak up.

        My very best

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    • 114. GOOD&HARDY  |  September 14, 2012 at 1:13 pm

      Good Lord, seriously? This woman has been through hell, maybe check into what you are talking about before you insult her. If anyone ever had the right to be bitter it’s LT – although I personally do not feel the post came across that way AT ALL – and regardless, you are the one who was mistaken. She said at the very beginning of the post that foster care rules are state based. Some of them make sense, but some of them prevent children from being able to be children, prevent good (and I do realize some are good and some are decidedly not) foster parents from doing the best for their kiddos, and do nothing more than widen the schism between those in the system and the rest of the world. Gracious.

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    • 115. Angie Dawn  |  March 13, 2013 at 8:23 am

      Kel, you sound like an idiot… Granted, we all know foster care is the equivalent of going on vacation to Disney World, so why would he sound bitter? O_o

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    • 116. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:10 am

      As a FP, I can tell you these rules exist. I imagine they’ve all been developed for liability purposes. The author does not sound bitter to me. She is pointing out the truth. These things need to change. They do not serve the children well.

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  • 117. John Armatige  |  September 12, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Hello.
    I am a foster carer and have been for around 18 years along with my wife.
    The “No hair cut rule” is still in force today.
    We are allowed pets but cats and dogs need to have a certificate from a registered vet to show they are not nasty towards people.
    We adopted 3 of our children after they were placed with us as they will have been moved around the system for years and all are doing very well.
    We have looked after many children over many years and we are still in contact with many of them and send cards at birthdays and at Christmas and we have lots of children who have grown up returning back for a visit and we had good times and some not so good.

    We have moved children on back to the family’s or extended family but on average it takes around 18 months to sort out the legal side of things but we attend contact and meet the parents and work with them as close as we can.

    It is fair to say that foster carers find it very hard to adopt children they look after but we work through the red tape and the extra courses they send you on just in case you decide to give up as many authority’s do not like foster carers to be adopters of children .

    I live in England and the system has its faults but we do not have any care homes ( homes that hold more than 6 children) as they have been shut down and the catholic church has been stopped from arranging adoptions due to the gay/ unmarried stance they take.

    In the UK we do have gay foster carers and this has had no impact on the child and as you have stated it is better to be in a loving home than in a large children’s home and i have to agree fully with that.
    0 to 18 years old is our age range and we have looked after children who have been damaged by the way they have been brought up/ dragged up and we slowly make a mends over time.

    From next year i will not be a foster carer and will return to my old job as a mechanic but this is due to the cuts in the UK government and yet i see 9 children per week entering the “Looked after system” in my area alone and yet cut backs on experienced foster carers up and down the country will only back fire on the Conservative government.
    The future of any nation are its children and yet i see cut backs in training and massive youth unemployment,I asked at a meeting recently if it was possible to employ all the kids who have left school and living rough or struggling financially to be trined in a trade the area needs, Plumbers, Painters, Welders etc……..I was laughed at but the costs in the future will indeed be far more than we can ever imagine.

    Sorry for the long winded reply

    Mr & Mrs Armatige Liverpool England

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  • 118. sevda  |  September 15, 2012 at 9:28 am

    i am a 38 year old single woman who is considering bringing a young person into my life to love and nurture for. Although i am seriosly considering fostering a child long term i, the thought of having to return a child back to the bioparents is discouraging me. what are my chances of getting a child of getting a child on a longer placement with goal to adopt him/her in the long run, your feedback is appreciated. By the way , the rule about no pets is fuckin, for obvious reasons that is, animals can give families so much joy. :)
    Sev

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    • 119. Erica  |  September 16, 2012 at 8:36 pm

      Sev,

      Coming from a person that does foster care….you can’t start FOSTER care with the intention of adopting the child. The original and only intention of foster care is to re-unite a child with their bio-family. Obviously, case-plans change from return-to-parent to adoption. If you don’t want to go through the pain of seeing a child return to a parent that doesn’t succeed, then you should choose adoption. If you do foster care long enough then you will get an opportunity to adopt a child that you foster, but I encourage you to look into adoption if that is the final destination that you desire. Foster care is very gratifying and rewarding thing to do…I love it. I encourage you to really ask your self whether you could handle sending a child back to their family. It is very hard….just don’t go into foster care with the intention of adopting a child you foster. There is a good chance that won’t happen, and it is very heart-breaking if you have that mindset. I completely encourage you to foster/adopt if you feel it is for you, but just make sure you put thought into it. :)

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      • 120. Sarah Redecker Sarich  |  August 25, 2013 at 5:43 pm

        Actually, in my state, they have a foster-to-adopt program where you only foster adoptable kids. They still have to be in your home for 6 months before things can be finalized, but it is an option.

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  • 121. sadness mama  |  September 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    My children were recently taken into foster care, i left them home with a babysitter while me and my fiance went shopping, We needed to get cleaning supplies and bought a few things for the kids, when we returned police were banging at our door….no babysitter, youngest screaming his head off , well i had not done my daily cleaning for the day, floors not mopped, dishes in the sink,(hello getting cleaning supplies to clean properly) and i was sorting papers in my bedroom so my bedroom was a mess. the police came in, my youngest had ripped off his diaper and threw it at the wall leaving a smear mark on the wall of you guessed it feces…..we had a bug problem so i threw out the bedroom furniture as both our bed and their beds were infested with bed bugs (apartment next door brought bugs, management sprayed there apt but failed to warn us or spray our apt) , thought i was doing the right thing by throwing out.furniture my children due to the bed bugs had rashes. well the police did not allow us to move, leaving my children to run a mok, youngest threw a toy down the toilet while we waited for des i went to use the bathroom without knowing what happened, so my toilet over flowed.with urine and tp….have not seen my children for 13 days. i did not leave them home alone, 99 % of the time my home is spotless we ran out of cleaning supplies, can’t clean without doing it properly right? We had trusted the babysitter since my youngest was born without a hitch….never will trust anyone with my children again. the police were responding to a dmv dispute next door and heard my son screaming, , well they peaked in the window and saw him naked. i and my fiance are automatically sh#@t parent because my home was less then spotless and the babysitter ditched my kids . for those who think all children brought into care are beaten and abused etc….no, i had ordered new furniture for my children due in the month, furniture that would not have crevices for nasty bed bugs to crawl into.exterminator due this monday , pantry’s stocked, clothes bursting out of the closet, medical apts, made and done, vaccines up to date, my oldest has autism….they are blaming it on us, wonderful the ignorance of des. yes we chose for our son to have autism . sarcasm aside, reading some of the comments…..and the things you view as “stupid” guess what , my rights havent been terminated, my sons have long hair, you know why? because when they reach kindergarten it will be cut and donated to locks of love , an organization that makes wig’s for children with cancer . They are in your care for a short time, and at any time can be removed and put in new placement they are not your children, you are getting paid to have them in your home, and when they are returned to the parents will resume their way of life, not yours. Do you realize how traumatic it is for children? from going to a catholic church to a baptist church, from having mommy and daddy sing to you while bathing you, to having a stranger bath you. realize how traumatic it is for me to have my children ripped from me, and everything is my “fault” i shouldn’t have left them with a babysitter….so snatch them from me and put them with strangers? My children are my life, my fiances life, we sacrifice to ensure they have everything they need AND want. And in the end even if we do EVERYTHING they ask of us, it is still up to the judge to deem reunification appropriate…at any time, i miss one court date, one thing they are having me do my rights are terminated, it is assumed i waived my right…..i have six months for my two youngest to get them back, and 1 year for my oldest or they will be adopted off and my rights terminated, the area i live in, programs are flooded, cps case workers are over burdened with huge case loads, court systems flooded, there is a damn waiting list for the things they wish me to do, my children are far from me so visitation is less likely. time is ticking, the longer they are in care, the less likely i will get them back, but i remain hope full they will be returned soon, we are going to court in october to fight the false allegations, the des workers have made false claims that our home was filthy, that my children were covered in feces.and so was the room, my youngest took off his diaper and flung it at the wall leaving a small smear mark, none of them had feces on them…not so and there is proof taken by the police in the form of photos, they also say we neglect them medically hah!!! tons of proof against that too. . for all the idiots who think all parents who have there children taken deserve it, wake up, could be you one day. could be someone you love or care about that you know fully are wonderful parents, many rules i agree with, however cutting hair is not one of them. foster children sitting in the back..yes the back seat is the safest, air bags can kill or cause serious harm to the child in care…makes des liable for damages.and if a child is harmed in care..well that gives parents the right to sue. records….don’t agree with that. required case loads….yes they should have a limited amount of case loads, ever des worker in my state has 60 cases or more, they mix up the cases, hence why i have some false allegations in my case…they mixed up one case with mine (all my children are under five, yet somehow i have a 17 year old now?) we don’t drink or do drugs, yet they are stating we are going through drug classes and have addictions……des workers can only handle so much, they would better serve the children in care if they had appropriate case loads, 12 is a proper case load number, over that is insane. and nothing will get done both for the parents, and the children, you foster parents wonder why parents aren’t dong anything…remember des has to issue them things to do, yet never have the time to do so. there are only 162 des workers in my county , there are over 7456 children in care in my county, do the math thats 46 children per case worker, sometimes one case has multiple children….there needs to be limits , ill be damned i lose my children because case workers mixed up cases, or didn’t have the time to work with me. be damned if i am not allowed to see my kids because there is no time to set up visitation or the foster parents are too “busy” to be bothered., my children all three, are far from me, two are in one foster home, the other in another. both foster family’s work, both foster familys have children of there own, AND other foster kids. all children are in other county’s because there is only 162 foster homes in my county that are all full. 2 of my children are in one county in the same home the other one is in another…..so frustrated, and getting any info from the des worker on what i have to do is like pulling teeth, he updated me at the last minute about the court hearing we had to go to last week, we were lucky to make it. yes they may have been in care a short time 13 days, but i wan’t the ball rolling, i keep being told i will see them in the week, well two weeks and no word about visitation except they are trying to work it out with the foster parents, not my fault the foster parents took on more then they can chew , sorry for babbling on, but some foster parents need to realize that while they may be going through things taking care of the children, the parents are put through heavy burdens and hoops, the heartbreaking thought of not seeing your children ever again is crippling. the waiting game parents go through it too, they also go through a lot of BS. read any foster parent booklet, you should be fostering reunification efforts not diminishing them, and 9 times out of 10 you won’t be able to adopt the children placed with you and they may be removed at ANY time. Reunification is the ultimate goal of any child care worker whether des, cps, dhs, many people forget that who foster, these children are in your care you are getting funding to take care of them, you wouldn’t get funding for your own biological children outside of tanf,and child support and at any time may be returned to there parents. you goal should not be adoption unless the children’s parents rights are terminated. yes you get attached, how could you not, but the likely hood of continuing a relationship with children who have been returned is slim to none, That is why there are rules for fostering children…you can’t cut someones hair who you are babysitting can’t put earrings in the ear either , and foster care is very much like babysitting, babysitters take children to doctors appts, etc too. these rules not only protect parents rights, but protect children’s rights as well, my children are not circumcised , all hell would break loose if they returned missing there foreskin, i left it up to them if they wanted to be circumcised , shouldn’t be up to the foster parents to lop off the skin because of there religious beliefs, or not wanting to deal with cleaning. i am upset my children are all going to churches that don’t coincide with there religion,, views being forced on them already.. times ticking, hopefully i get my children back. prayers.

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    • 122. Joshua S.  |  November 8, 2012 at 6:49 am

      You sound batty. I fully believe your children do not belong in such a crazy household. Let me get your story straight… Next door apt had bed bugs they brought in, which infested your apt. You then threw out all the furniture. You hired a babysitter so you could go buy cleaning supplies in order to clean an otherwise spotless house. The babysitter left, the kid threw poop on the wall, you flooded urine all in your bathroom because you failed to see a toy in the toilet. And on this most atrocious day, the police so happened to be in the area unrelated when they came upon your neglected children. Your children need a stable home, one where the parental figures lives them and TAKES CARE of them. In my book, you lise your rights as a parent when you are this stupid. When foster parents care more about your own kids’ welfare than you do, I think they deserve the right to cut the kids hair and look forward to adoption. You’ve managed to be a screw up this far along in life… What’s going to change enough to justify reunification?

      Reply
      • 123. fucklifecompletely  |  August 26, 2013 at 1:42 am

        Joshua s.

        I pray to god if u have any kids that they be taken from u for a small reason. Becuz honestly they did take her kids for no reason. An it wasn’t right.

        Reply
    • 124. Sarah  |  November 14, 2012 at 7:37 pm

      I’m sorry the system can be broken at times. The social workers took your children because a series of unfortunate events. From their eyes your children were abandoned, had rashes and were in an unclean living enviroment. I hope you get them back because you sound like you care for your kids a lot. Kids need good parents. Don’t miss court dates and fill out every piece of paper that comes your way and every class that is required. Keep documents of everything. Your kids will be proud of how you fought for them. And when you get them back you can start the healing process and hopefully close this chapter of your life.

      Reply
    • 125. michelle  |  November 20, 2012 at 2:43 am

      sorry to hear for you lose and hope it works out for you.. But just a FYI I have 3 foster kids they are my god kids I don’t get but 71 bucks a mth for the 3 of them so for you to make it sound like they get paid a lot to take care of your kids is not always right.. there are such thing as lic and unlic foster and kinship and so forth and yes it is hard for you and the kids but it is also hard for the foster they are the one s that are there trying to help make the kids happy so they are not crying 24/7 they are the ones that have to deal with it you have a break down yes and kids do to they are not your babysitter and and we are not allowed to push are religious belifes on them I know what the 3 I have belive in and I do all I can to make them feel at home and as a foster yes they do get there hopes up just like you they are told that they are trying to put the familys back with each other but then telling them that they need to start on adoption -plans.. SO yes they get there hopes up and they get atattched but sorry there are a lot of us out here doing it to try to make the kids happy not for you or the state but for the kids..so to see you rant about the foster parten make me upset you don’t know we have to go threw alt the frist 1mth is dr.s apt therpy and to get the kids to feel better abgout where they are and the courts have to tell cps what the visits are so it is a lot it don’t just happen in a week they wait also so if I was you I would not be taken it out on the foster parents they are there trying to help not get treated like your baby sitter and made to feel like they are trying to take your kids it is not them THEY ARE THERE TO HELP we have to jump threw hoops to.. and we are not the ones that had the kids taken from us we just tried to help while thangs get put back and we always get a ruff end of the deal I wanted to get lic. to be a foster mom but after the 3 I have go back to there mom and I have had them almost a 1yr I am done. ppl like you make it hard to be ther to take care of kids ppl like you trying to make it sound like foster moms and stuff are trying to keep your kids and take it out on them is why YES if it comes to it I would adopt the kids I have or any I love kids and it has nothen to do with there family we have talked about it and yes I would not make it where they could not contact there kids. BUT 71 buck a mth for a 3yr 4 yr and a 7yr is not a lot so think before you judge us.. w deal with case workers changing like the wind always going over the same stuff upsetting the kids over again. it is hard at times but I will say that this was my frist time and last but will never forget the fun we had camping and fishing and taken to do thangs they never got to do before

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    • 126. Ali-Y  |  December 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

      I would request a CASA if they have a program in your area.

      Our first foster placement was reunited with their mother. They were placed with us as legal risk. CPS was going to try to terminate rights at the next hearing. I gave the bio mom our Google Voice number and an email just for her to contact about her kids after getting approval from CPS. We pushed CPS to move forward with visits and phone calls. Mom or grandmother called every night while the kids were in our care. I kept her informed of all doctor visits and sent her pictures regularly.

      Fortunately, the kids had a CASA who demanded all the adults involved (CPS, Ad Litem attorney, case workers) and discuss the case. I also kept her informed. Throughout the process, I felt like the case worker was the only one pushing for termination. If not for the CASA, these kids may still be stuck in the system.

      Our second foster placement was able to move into kinship care. Again, we gave her the phone and email info. Mom called daily. We always had good visits. Mom always brought toys, clothes, milk, foods, diapers and other items for her child at the visits. When this child had been initially placed with us, the case worker told us that Mom probably had “no idea her child was going to get taken away” from her. This infuriated me. Isn’t that CPS’s job? There was no CASA but eventually a new case worker was involved. As adults, we worked together to make sure the transition worked well. The child was eventually able to move in with her grandmother and then back with Mom.

      As a foster parent, I have had to quit my job. Between doctor visits, therapies, CPS visits, agency visits, bio visits, and regular activities, I could not be able to work full or part time. The subsidy we receive isn’t even a week’s wages for me. This is why I hate hearing people accuse all of us as doing it for the money. After purchasing a new wardrobe (each child has to have a minimum number of each type of clothing), diapers, food, toys, books, photos & albums, school supplies, gas for bio visits (some 3 hours away), and sometimes child care- it is a net loss financially.

      There are good and bad people on all sides of the system. I get tired of the people always asking, “How can you give them back to their parent(s)? They don’t deserve them!” My reply is always the same, “CPS can take anyone’s child. You know nothing about this kid’s parents, what they are going through, or how they came into care. If you think you are immune, think again!”

      And to the people who think we foster for money, you really need to look into the costs associated with being a GOOD foster parent. All our temporary kids had plenty of clothes, food, toys, attention, and family contact. I could make more money working full time. Instead, I’m trying to make a difference in a broken system. We would love to adopt, but with our age (30) and “lack” of parenting experience, we are generally discriminated against, especially with teens.

      Keep your head up, do everything they ask and more (if you can). Request a CASA to keep your file accurate and for your children to have a voice in court. The CASA can visit all the homes and sometimes supervise visits between you and your children. Always keep your calm, with whomever you talk to. Get everything in writing. And always CC the supervisor of the case worker if the case worker does not get back to you. Make photo albums for your kids to take with them after your visits, when they start.

      And remember that not all foster parents, bio parents, and CPS workers are the same. Some are great and some are lacking.

      As for the post, I can understand the viewpoint of a child “stuck” in the system. Even after rights are terminated, kids stay “foster” until they are adopted or age out. As such, the kids should not have to get permission to have a pet, drive a car, cut their hair, or any of the other “silly” rules. Many kids who have experienced severe abuse where no judge in their right mind would reunite, should not have to wait years to know they won’t have to go back to abusers. And I completely agree that foster parents not wanting to adopt their foster kids should still teach them basic care (prepping for college, cooking, cleaning, caring for pets, driving, or even balancing a checkbook) before they age out.

      Our system has a lot of flaws. Thank you LT for providing a your unique view that many of us have never experienced & sometimes overlook.

      Reply
      • 127. LaQuelle  |  December 29, 2012 at 11:54 pm

        I have been considering becoming a CASA volunteer… I think you just pushed me over to the I am going to do it side! Thanks!!!

        Reply
        • 128. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:21 am

          Yes, please do it. As a FP, you have to fight for what’s right for these kids. It’s like beating your head against the wall when the agency is operating from a commodity business model (treating kids as numbers) and you are trying to get them the help they need. I have only recently learned what CASA does and the CASA volunteer has been able to succeed where I have failed. It is because the CASA is independent of the agency and social services. I wish I knew this earlier. I wish all the kids who’ve been in my home had CASAs, because so many were pushed around to the benefit of the agency, not the child.

          When I say “agency”, I mean the agency that is contracted by they county’s department of social services to manage the kids on behalf of the county.

          Reply
    • 129. juliet  |  February 15, 2013 at 1:58 am

      all you are saying it’s unbelievable. i’m sorry they took the kids away from you but i really really hope that could be a lesson for u. your story doesn’t add up starting from the spotless house. i’m crazy about cleaning my house every day and i buy cleaners long way before they finished. sorry but your story is not true. don’t want to mention the rest. i’m pretty sure you know the rest of the real story

      Reply
  • 130. christina  |  September 26, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Its sad that there r so many bad fosterhomes and so many stupid rules. As for caseworkers I think they start out meaning well just get burned out quick

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  • 131. Mrs S  |  September 28, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Thank you so very much for a wonderful piece of writing! My husband and I have been actively looking into becoming foster parents and I am finding a number of rules and regulations that are dismaying and off putting to potential FPs. We have inquired about setting up an airtight trust fund in which we planned to put the child’s monthly stipend into (looking forward to the possibility that the child may age out of the system) and paying for the child’s needs ourselves and were told flat out “no”. Our home was nit picked to the nth degree and we were told that pretty much everything needed to be locked up (obviously rx medications should and in fact we already do that, but non toxic, all natural, organic cleaners, really?). Ultimately we were turned down because I have ADD (even though I am medicated and attend therapy religiously)…who better to deal with a child who has ADHD/ADD than a parent who has lived with it and innately understands the challenges, work, & tricks involved with overcoming it?

    It is sad that there are parents who had successfully raised children and who want nothing more than to give kids who desperately need it a hand up who cannot become FPs due to ridiculous rules when people who do it for the money or to augment their income get approved right and left. I recently looked at a home for sale where the owner is a FP and I found the living conditions revolting and when she spoke about her reasons for becoming one it churned my stomach (I actually did call the county about it afterwards). Yet here my husband and I are, wanting to do the right thing and hitting every brick wall there is. It’s sad and the system needs to be changed something dreadful.

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  • 132. Brianna Braswell  |  September 28, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    i effin love you for writing this

    Reply
  • 133. raeanna  |  September 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    does anyone know if there is a rule aginst dating if you are in foster care?

    Reply
    • 134. Breana Russell  |  November 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm

      Im pretty sure that as long as you aren’t breaking any laws then it is fine. Whether or not you can see them unsupervised is up to your case worker and what not..

      Reply
  • 135. Mary  |  October 4, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Your points are very well written and backed up with excellent examples. My family used to work in a group home and saw every single one of these issues!! When we left, all of our “original” children had been placed over the years except one. When we started the adoption process for her, the judge made a new “rule” that the child had to stay within her own culture. Seriously????? We never did get her, but we heard rumors that she was placed with a very good family. The hardest thing as a FP is not having contact with the kids who leave. Just knowing that they are okay…….

    Reply
  • 136. Monet  |  October 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Hi there

    I’ve been considering becoming a foster parent as of late. I’m a young single woman and while I may or may not have children of my own one day, I want to give stability and love to a young child who has never had any of that. I live in California, and thankfully, the laws regarding foster care are pretty lenient in terms of who can or cannot adopt. No real “prejudices” exist as to who can foster. So if you’re single, married, partnered, older, young (you must be at least 21 years), divorced, living in a home, apartment, mobile home, even if you’re unemployed. So long as you can provide stability to a child (and obviously you must have SOME income), then you can adopt. I know it sounds desperate, and maybe it is, for California to be so lenient, BUT, I think having a one-on-one relationship with a child will benefit that child much more so than being a number in a group home. So while I haven’t actually started the process (in terms of paper work, meeting with a social worker), I have done a lot of “thinking about it”, weighing the pros and cons, research, etc. I want to give a small child a chance at life when they might otherwise not have that chance if I don’t step in and “rescue” them. I know my life will drastically change if I do indeed become a foster parent. Meaning, no late night dinner with friends since that child will need to go to bed early for school, no just taking off on a weekend trip with friends because now there is a small child, etc. I don’t party so my social life will not drastically change and I’m a pretty avid church goer and my social circle consists of mainly my church family, and a friend of mine and her husband are in the process of becoming a foster parent, so if I did become a foster parent, I would have their support and understanding.

    Anyway, I enjoyed reading your blog…I know these children want love just like you wanted…and I’m ready to give love to a child.

    Reply
    • 137. KK  |  December 17, 2012 at 12:47 am

      Be Careful, my husband and I are in the middle of fostering to adopt and I’ll worn you having the responsibility of a small child on your own is huge. Taking in a foster child also means having to deal with a lot of outsiders while you really need to be focusing on your new child. The worst part of fostering to adopt or just fostering are the adults. The bio parents seem to try and involve everyone in their dramas, right down to requesting you return clothes they may have bought for the child even before the child came to live with you. Expect drama, the children are great, think long and hard before doing this alone. I know I’ve needed a partner in this adventure.

      Reply
    • 138. Tonya  |  January 2, 2013 at 3:44 am

      Monet,
      I became a foster parent 8 years ago as a “single mother.” I was 25 never married no biological children. I knew I wanted to let a child out there know there are people that love you and want the best for you and won’t hurt you. I am now married and we adopted the first foster child placed with me a little before we were married a year. My oldest and first foster child is now my “adopted” daughter of almost 7 years and we celebrated 12/19/12 as my 8th year as her mom. She is now 15 and quite a handful, but well worth it. We also have a sibling group of 4 we are in the process of adopting. While the struggles are different, please never let any one tell you it can;t be done. Trust God and follow your heart there is a boy or girl out there that needs you!

      Reply
  • 139. Liz Kitch  |  October 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    I could make so many comments about these ridiculous and unimaginably stupid rules. Some our different in my state, some the same. We just brought two boys (4 and 7) home this summer and one of the first things they did was to beg for a haircut like my husband’s! (He doesn’t have a cool cut or anything, they just wanted a fresh start and to relate to their new father figure, I think.) I didn’t even bother to check what our state’s law is. We cut away:)
    **Thanks for your openness and transparency. As a foster mom, it helps so much to hear your perspective and experience.

    Reply
  • 140. James Chase  |  October 18, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    Hello. My name is James. Age 4 until I aged out.
    1969 to 1983.

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    • 141. susan  |  January 14, 2013 at 2:53 pm

      Hello James, when you aged-out what kind of support system did you have?

      Reply
  • 142. Ms jay  |  October 30, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Wow all I can say we have three foster kids that when we took them in this kids had nooooooo manners what so ever chewed like cows in A barnyard hygiene major fuckin issue the county lied saying there normal kids bullshit !!!!!! I had four normal kids I should know what A normal kid is and this kids aint normal to the point were Im going to return them back to the county there mom went awal since she lost them sadly to say this boys lie up the ass

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    • 143. LaQuelle  |  December 29, 2012 at 11:31 pm

      Wow!!! With that kind of language, it sounds like you were raised with a bunch of sailors, and they actually gave you a child?? You should not be allowed to have any foster children at all. You want to complain about a boy who doesn’t have manners?!! That is the worse thing you can find WOW an unperfect child!!! Imagine that… and they put him with YOU??? Another UNPERFECT HUMAN!!! Wow, how dare they…. When you take him “back to the state”, you tell them why so they can mark your stupid butt off the list…. You need to learn some manners, and get yourself fixed…. Your heart and brain anyways! Weirdo!

      Reply
    • 144. Mr. E  |  February 6, 2013 at 10:34 pm

      Ms. Jay, Your foster children and their behavior issues are not unusual. Consider that most foster children come from very broken homes, after all, the state does not remove children except for extraordinary circumstances. These children learn, often from their parents, the very worst behaviors. The fact that some children are relatively well behaved coming into the system is a near miracle, considering the conditions they are coming from. Foster parenting can be EXTREMELY challenging sometimes. I would urge you to reconsider your expectations and determine whether or not foster care is for you. If you decide to continue, it is your responsiblity and privilege to help these kiddos become better adults than their parents have been. Wishing you well.

      Reply
    • 145. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 5:54 am

      Wow really can’t why are you even on here. What kind of Foster Parent are you? Foster kids are in Foster care for a reason. There has been problems at home. So no some foster kids aren’t normal thats why they are in foster care. Because they weren’t taught normal stuff. I don’t even know how you feel comfortable in talking on this site. Your license should just be voided.

      Reply
  • 146. Breana Russell  |  November 6, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    My name is Breana. I have been in foster care since April 2nd, which is 8 months. I was with the same foster family up until last month. I wanted to stay with them, I got really attached to them and they wanted to keep me, but I have 5 other siblings that are in care with me and they wouldn’t let me stay because I had to stay with my siblings. My siblings and I dont get along. I didn’t want to be stuck with them, and even though I have 5 months until I am 18, the state wont listen to anything I say. I miss my parents and am miserable with my new home. I can’t do anything. My old foster parents trusted me, and let me drive, work, hang out with my friends etc. Foster care is not a happy place, but it can be if you have the right parents. I agree that the rules are stupid. They don’t make sense. The state wants us to grow up to be normal but we can’t do things that normal teens do. A lot of the rules talked about in this article aren’t in place where I live, but a ton of other rules that are as equally dumb are. I pray for strength every day. I tell myself that if I made it through all the horrors that got me put in foster care then I will make it to 18, but everyday has new struggles that don’t seem to end. My foster parents lecture me about my future everyday…I can’t do anything good enough. I try though. Once I am 18 and back with my old foster parents things will be alright. Foster parents are a blessing when they do it for the right reasons, and they care about the kids…the ones that do it for the money just make things worse.

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    • 147. LaQuelle  |  December 29, 2012 at 11:35 pm

      Breanna, I am praying for you, and your siblings! I am sorry that you had to move… ugh it just stinks when that happens… Keep your chin up… and know that as long as you are doing your best, than you will be good. Trust in God, follow his ways, and you will always stay on the right track! God Bless you!

      Reply
    • 148. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:30 am

      I know my message is probably too late for you, but for all the foster kids out there who read this, see about getting a CASA if the state is ignoring you. If your social worker doesn’t get you one at your request, find the local CASA phone number via google. Tell them you’ve asked for a CASA, but it hasn’t happened yet. If you don’t have phone privileges, ask a teacher at school to help you get a CASA. Worst case, they won’t have enough CASAs available. But, sometimes the state is just not bothering to meet your request.

      Reply
  • 149. Janet  |  November 16, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I’m new to the foster parenting having my first child for 3 months now. We really wanted a smaller child because my husband has no children of his own so we thought he’d do better not having to deal with the typical attitude teenagers have. Plus, the PATH classes scared the crap out of him! We forget she’s not our biological daughter and that she’s only been here 3 months. I have a bio daughter that’s 22(not at home) and she feels like she’s the sibling she’s always wanted. I honestly feel if we had treated our foster daughter differently we wouldn’t have had that bond nor her desire to respect us as parents. We realize there are rules to protect these children but sometimes they get in the way of allowing them to feel like family. She’s pretty open about being in foster care but she still sees other parents treat her differently when they find out. Now, if she wants to do something I do as I would with my bio daughter and never say the word foster when speaking with other parents. I mean, wouldn’t you want to get to know the other people/parents and get their contact info before you send your kids off to stay with them anyway? As far as driving, I couldn’t believe these kids can’t technically get a license. Sure, it’s a little scary as a foster parent to accept all that responsibility but what’s worse is to throw this child out in the world with no driving skills. Not to mention just getting to experience life the same way other kids do. It makes me sick to know there are people out there that just do it for the money! Some of these kids get taken out of their bad homes only to find out they’re in a bad home! They are human and deserve to be treated humanely. As stated before my foster daughter is 16 has a boyfriend and takes good care of herself but wants me to tuck her in and turn off her light at night. It brings joy to my heart and makes me sad at the same time. I’m just glad she finally feels she has a safe place as I wish all children did! I loved seeing the honesty in your post. I hope that life doesn’t find you bitter but stronger for what you’ve had to go through. There are people out there that care even though at times even I wonder where they are. God bless!!

    Reply
  • 150. shelly  |  November 30, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Hello,
    You bring up some very good points and seem to have a logical thinking process. You might consider going into social work yourself. I think you might be very good at it considering you know the ins and outs of the system. I bet you would be a very good influence on the kids and someone to look up to.

    Reply
  • 151. Cinnamon Thebeau  |  December 5, 2012 at 12:00 am

    I just wanted to let you know that I would like to use some of the information you put on here in a presentation I am doing on Foster care for school.

    Reply
  • 152. emma  |  December 6, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    i think i was taken by mistake and my perants know becuse they have no baby pictures of me

    Reply
  • 153. Jackhammer  |  December 11, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    I’m sorry for my little out burst. I have been incredibly stressed. I care about her and love her very much. I want to see her happy. We have a God based relationship and I want to marry her. She is my bestfriend and the light of my life. Without her I’m nothing. It hurts, but I stay strong for her. I want to spend my life with her and I don’t want someone telling us how much we can love eachother. Thank you if you agree and thank you for your time.

    Reply
  • 154. Abel  |  January 8, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Hi m Abel Maphanga here I was just askin abw the foster care grant that my brother has gona through since 2010

    Reply
  • 155. SPud Farley  |  January 28, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Iam doing a class on the Bill of Rights and Law Enforcement. One of the kids asked if Foster Parents can take a Foster kids money/earnings like natural parents can? We live in California.

    Reply
  • 156. Sharon  |  January 31, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    I enjoyed your blog. We are in the process of becoming foster/adopt parents to a child we have through kinship. This has been a disaster. C was born drug addicted they allowed mom to take C home to stay with other family but removed C within a week. Father did not believe C was his plus he was/is drug addict as well. We were trying to get C as soon as they removed him not having any idea how bad C mom was. We spent 3 months jumping through hoops and an hour before we were to take C home, it was decided C was better off in foster care. Forward a year later mom works plan sorta, get a phone call from her asking why so hard? I had no idea she got C back. Within 2 weeks C in hospital. System calls us again and We have decided we would do whatever was needed so C would not be stuck in system. System made us jump through hell before getting C. We should be legal fosters soon, but court still has not TPR- mom absent last 6 months dad just wants pictures never was drug tested. Very frustrating to say the least. The System needs a lot of work. One problem I see is the reunification seems to take precedence over what is best for child. We should not be coming up on C’s 2 birthday when C has spent less then 30 days with mom. There are too many CW’s and Supers, and Super Supers who take too many government holidays and seem to only get something done when its emergent. Attitudes of we know all do not help, like there are not other college educated people in the world. Ok some are very nice. The foster parent process should be more transparent- we never know what is going to happen, what is going to get lost. No one explained the IRS issues with us, since we only had C 4 months last year C is considered a charitable donation. Well it would have been nice to know that we should keep receipts. Some monetary help for kinship would be nice even if it was just for clothes. The haircut thing is true for us as well, it is crazy,all of your points are right on. It was nice to read from a former foster. Thank you.

    Reply
  • 157. kellers  |  January 31, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I was hoping to use this article in a paper I’m writing about ageism in the foster care system.

    I was hope to make the argument that how the foster care inappropriately treats kids (kinda around 15 and up) who are growing up in the system like little children with no personal say- bioparents’, caseworkers’, judges’ and even foster parents’ (who I’m learning don’t have much latitude) decisions override 2) giving no responsibilities and an overall restricted life of what they can do and who they can talk to. Finally how this really puts these kids in a bad place once they age out of the system.
    .
    Your article would be vital because it gives a voice to the kids who are actually affected by it.

    Would that be okay?

    (Also if you have any thoughts on my paper topic, that would be really appreciated) :)

    Reply
  • 158. blackbeauty4173  |  February 15, 2013 at 12:47 am

    Hello everyone,
    I am currently a foster/adoptive parent. I have a 9 month old. I’ve had him since he was 4 days old. He is do to go to his mom in May is what I’m told by the Dyfs worker. The baby was born cocaine, nictine, and caffeine addicted. He has an OT( Occupational Therapist) and PT(Physical Therapy). The mom was high when she gave birth to him and the father was in jail. Mom went to jail afterwards. Mom came out of jail and was supposed to report to the Dyfs worker ASAP but did not report until about 2 wks. later. She was put into a Rehab for 3 mos. She will be gettin out in March and will be out and about for 2 mos. until the mommy program starts and then Dyfs will allow her to take the baby with her while she’s in the program. Mom has to other children that she doesn’t have nor has custody of them. Dad just got out of jail and he’s in a Rehab and hasn’t seen the baby at all. Dad also has 2 kids as well outside all this. Dyfs told me that mom would have to prove herself in order to get the baby back. To me that means go through whatever programs that’s necessary. Get out of the program and go to outpatient, get a job and a place to live. Get stable so your ready for the baby. Living in in-patient is not the same as living on your own which she would eventually have to do. I feel that giving her the baby now is playing Russian Roulette. Why play with a child’s life like that especially a baby who can not speak for him/herself? Dyfs makes so many mistakes with these children. It’s really sad. I love all the little ones that have come through my home. I am do to move soon to get a bigger place so I am able to provide for the little ones. You know some people do this for the money and that’s so sad really. I have a big heart and a big family and we’re like that little village, we work together on raising our children. All the foster children who have come my way have a family here no matter what. I will always be that mommy to them, my mom will always be grandmom, my Aunt Aunty and so forth. There’s alot of love and I’m going to miss my little man as will all my family. Dyfs doesn’t see the importance of a stable and lovely household/ Village. Their concerns is of the parents not the children. This hurts my heart and makes me question why I decided to foster but then I realize how I love each and everyone of these children and by god I will keep pushing some how.

    Reply
    • 159. Madalyn  |  February 21, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      Is there anyone else in the baby’s bio family who is decent and wants to raise him? I believe the bio family should have a say so also. I agree about the bio parents and the system does not use common sense. Although, the system has taken my nephew and placed him in foster care straight from the hospital knowing I was a proper placement. So, keep in mind the DSS workers may be lying about other options or family members who want the child to remain in the family, not necessarily with the bio family. DSS loves the money and maintains their positions, jobs. Virginia is the worst!

      Reply
      • 160. Tanya Clark Powers  |  March 4, 2013 at 8:44 pm

        Are you out of state? I know it takes A LONG time for ICPC to go through, no excuse, but still a fact. It is much easier for relatives in state. I would recommend researching and contacting public officials in the county with “your story”.

        Reply
      • 161. Angie Dawn  |  March 13, 2013 at 8:03 am

        Consider contacting your local media and the media in the city the baby was born… You’d be surprised how rialed up those reporters can get the state and make things happen.

        Reply
      • 162. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 5:42 am

        Here in Utah its called DCFS and they told my cousin when she lost her kids to the state (she is on SSI for learning disabilities and the father was abusive to her not the children she claims and this was back in 1995 )

        Anyhow they promised to send all the family members a letter of request for any of us to take in the children. That did not happen and the Case Worker name was: Trish Hartzell in Ogden, Utah… you can google her she isn’t hard to find. At the time this happened I wouldn’t of been much help I was a young mother and lived in Texas and I really didn’t know what was happening till I moved back to Utah.

        Anyhow its really said to hear these stories. Especially when my Grandma & pa were Foster Parents … mostly Grandma… I live with her for the school year and she doesn’t let you get away with anything but, she made me an A Student within a few months.

        I go off subject alot but, this just is so sad I don’t even know what to say other than when my children (17 & 20) feel like its time to become adults and move out I am going to do foster care as this has always been a goal I wanted in my life. The system sucks but there are opportunities out there.

        I made a big mistake in my teenage life of 17 years old. I left home so I didn’t have to deal with my strict Dad I moved into my Girlfriend house when that didn’t work I than moved in with my bio-logical Dad that was a drunk & drug addict. To living with a Aunt & Uncle with 2 small children living in the front room of my Uncles Brothers 1 bedroom apartment that he shared with his wife and baby. Talk about big mistake I went from home to crap to crappier crap to more crap…. should of listen to my Dad he was strict for a reason and warned me if I left I wouldn’t come back to live. And thats exactly what happened.

        Grandma to the Rescue she gave me a call and told me all about Job Corps. She had my parents make an appointment to go meet with one of the people that help you. Anyhow so we went to the office made an appointment to go see the facilities. It was scary kind of like a new school all over again. But for some reason it felt right and I knew this was a life choice. And I choose to prove my Dad wrong that I was going to make something of myself and I did and now I make 40,000.00 a year because I learned from Job Corp about life and decisions. They make you responsible for your self …

        I hope one day when I am a foster parent I can help my foster children like my Grandma become young adults. And to strive to be a better person and successful too. I don’t know where I would be if my Grandma wasn’t a foster Mom because she knew everything about being a teen in this day and age.

        email me if you would like – cdringl@gmail.com

        Reply
    • 163. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 5:21 am

      Wow I have always heard this type of story backwards. Here in Utah it doesn’t seem to be that way. I am just shocked this is such a sad story !!!!

      Reply
  • 164. Fani  |  February 15, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Hi, I totally aggre with you on everything… I have a question. Did you get your Records??

    Reply
  • 165. Ashley Meyers  |  February 17, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I’m a foster care child and have been since last February 1st. During that time I turned 18 and am living in the Independent Living program. I’m having MAJOR problems with the system, as they promised all these good things, like how they’d pay for college and whatnot, but since I came to CNU they haven’t paid anything for it and I have about 20$ of loans to pay off for my first year alone. I’m doing an evaluation of something for my English class and, of course, chose foster care. I read your article, and the copyright notice that says to let you know if you use it, so I am. If it’s okay, I’m going to use a quote or two from your article – with correct citation of course! I agree with nearly everything you wrote, and I also agree with many of the comments written. The system needs to be changed. They also have had a strangle-hold on me, not even allowing me to keep a bank account without giving them in-detail bank and budget statements (just an example). This article will help a lot to give information and a good voice to my paper, and I hope that you do well in life, despite all the hardships I know you’ve probably had.
    Sincerely,
    I Understand.

    Reply
  • 166. Dawn  |  February 18, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Is it possible that I talk to you more behind the scenes? I am wanting to write a book on foster care (I am currently a foster mom) and love hearing your candid points. You are wonderful for sharing your story and you are so right… the entire system is a disaster. Please let me know if you are willing to talk more sometime. Thanks for being so strong and bold and speaking out.

    Reply
  • 167. jasemerald  |  February 18, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Thanks for giving the other side of the coin. Very eye opening. I will be following your blog. I am foster turned adoptive mom. My license is closed but I am filling out the paperwork to become a CASA. Good luck to you.

    Reply
    • 168. Madalyn  |  February 21, 2013 at 9:46 pm

      As an adoptive mom, can I ask? How old is your child, race and what state? Do you allow any of the bio relatives to be involved? I despise the system! I’ve been trying to get my 15 year old niece out. I have no record. It’s horrible trying to work with VA DSS. I should mention their are 4 children involved from my sister. I do not want to lose my family! VA wants to give them all away via adoption when we our a good family, don’t have contact with their mother and have been active in reporting the abuse and neglect and here to love and support the, without any public funding. What makes a foster parent a better placement? Specifically, what made you a better option than bio family? We’re they not interested?

      Reply
  • 169. siera  |  February 19, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    I’ve been fighting the system for two year. I’m 17 and I have four months til I’m 18. I have a five month old daughter. According to law, I’m considered an adult at 17 if I have a child. They told me since I’m in dcfs, I don’t have the same rights. since I was 15, I have been doing everything in my power to get out and no matter what I try, who I get involved, no matter how many times I run, they refuse to give me the major decisions in my life. Today I got refused once again for a placement that passed all their tests. They didn’t give me a reason. Just said no. Only four months to go.

    Reply
  • 170. teresa  |  February 21, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I was in foster care in the 80s i was 12 then i lived with a family that allowed their 12year old to smoke csd. Was ok with this, i started smoking, my foster parents bought my smokes, after leaving there i was placed in a residential facility….lock up……. no i didnt do anything wrong i was concidered maature for my age and they couldnt place me, anyway in lock up the state ran juvinial facility gave me smokes if i was good, it was against the law to buy smokes if under 18, so here i was locked up for no crime getting smokes from them which is a crime…. Funny isnt it.. Anyway im 44 now still smoke with the lungs of an 80yr old i still think about suing them hell they were supposed to protect me not teach me bad shit my mom could have done that…

    Reply
  • 171. Allison Yost  |  February 22, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Thank you for pointing these things out for people that don’t understand the foster care program. I agree with you on your points about the ridiculous rules. What I still don’t understand is WHY do kids keep getting moved to and from multiple foster homes? This doesn’t make any sense to me, but maybe someone could explain it. I officially become a CASA next week, I am so excited to start. I am really confused about this foster care system though. I would appreciate any insight. I am going to be an awesome CASA!!! No kid should have to go through all this s*** alone.

    Reply
    • 172. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:47 am

      In my experience as a FP (with just one private agency), 50% of the moves are for convenience of the foster agency business. A kid may be in a certain type (level) of home and another kid needs that level, so they move one kid to make a place for another. Private agencies are contracted for a certain number of beds at each level. Private agencies tend to take the difficult kids and the county handles the easy ones. I imagine this same scenario is true for placements directly in county (non-private agency), i.e., the county has budgeted for X number of kids in each type of slot.

      Second reason for moving is that foster parents are unable to care for a child. A child, especially one with early years neglect, can be incredibly hard to handle, even for very experienced FPs. And then you have FPs with less experience and they request a move because they are not up to the task. Before anyone bashes on FPs, when a kid is being aggressive towards you, like biting or hitting, only a few will be able to handle kids doing this. Kids with histories of sexual abuse often act out and sexually abuse younger kids in the home, so this can be a reason to request a move (or the county moves them because this is a huge liability to traumatize another child). Many reasons, really.

      But, don’t jump to the conclusion that the child is bad or really awful in behavior. It is because of the original abuse and the moves that kids act out. And many FPs didn’t expect such a difficult experience, with each having their own level of tolerance.

      Another thing that happens is kids are getting suspended from school a lot, because they are traumatized from the past and moving into a new home (scary). A difficult scenario when trying to keep your job to support the family.

      First you go into emergency care, then maybe to a few relatives, then to a foster home. How is a child to be stable in this scenario?

      Reply
      • 173. Sarah Redecker Sarich  |  August 25, 2013 at 5:53 pm

        Adding to this, we just had to remove an 11 year-old from our home, because she was extremely sexually aggressive toward my husband. It didn’t matter to her whether there were other people in the room or not. Along with liability issues, that was not something we could accept in our home.

        Reply
  • 174. michele miller  |  February 26, 2013 at 8:07 am

    i am a mother who surrendered her rights . at the time 15 months wasnt enough time to get everything back in order so with a heavy heart i sign my rights over to my boys now they are teenagers and the adoptive parents have sent them to live with me . if it is ok for my children to live with me than why is it ok for the adoptive parents to keep getting the subsidies for my children and not take care of them im on disability and i cant afford my rent because they stopped the rental assistance program i have i cant even get foodstamps for these children meanwhile the adoptive parents go to sleep at night not worrying about where they are gonna sleep while i panic everyday wondering when the eviction notice is coming y is their nothing that can be done about this i am at my whits end is their anybody out there that can help me

    Reply
    • 175. Angie Dawn  |  March 13, 2013 at 7:56 am

      Michele, call DCS and tell them you need the number for the state’s free legal assistance. I don’t know what state you are in so I can only refer you to do what one would do in Tennessee. There is legal aid available to those who are low-income and or disabled. You need an attorney, I believe.

      Reply
  • 176. Dale Johnston  |  March 4, 2013 at 2:08 am

    I’m 16 and in alternative relative care against my will. Just two and a half months ago I was with my family and a partner in the family excavating business/farm (you can say I’m too young for that or that I’m lying but both would be false) and was absolutely fine. I worked and got paid, I had vehicles, some savings, tools, livestock, etc. Some was 100% mine and mine only some was shared with other family members. Now I have a dresser of clothes, a tablet computer and $40, also I have no contact to my home not even phone calls and restricted/eliminated internet access because they think I could possibly email my mom, even though they take my word that I won’t use my phone to call. Also if I was to call either of my parents they would be arrested as there was a restraining order filed on my behalf in “my best interest”. Also I was told that I am not to leave my foster home without close supervision even with a driver’s license. I can not be anywhere other than here overnight so seeing friends for the weekend is out of the question unless they were to get a background check on everyone in the house and have a safety inspection done. I’m treated like a prisoner and have lost everything I cared about. This is wrong but everyone tells me I shouldn’t worry about it, I should just “be a kid and enjoy my life and let ‘grown ups’ handle this” too bad the “grown ups” are the ones crippling me and taking my life and by cutting off communication have made it very hard for me to fight against what they are doing to me. My 12 year old sister is with me and has went through the same

    Reply
    • 177. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 3:41 am

      I have been a foster parent for many years, so I know a lot about the system and I feel for you. What you describe sounds typical on how things work and it is common that things are not adequately explained. And, some things are just silly ways for things to operate. And the system tends to go with the most cautionary restrictive approach to start with, regardless of whether it even make sense for the situation. The calmer you can be, the easier it will be to get the restrictions loosened.

      It’s really hard to tell what’s going on in your situation without knowing the reason you were moved. Try to make the best of it and ask questions. It is your life and you should at the least understand why certain things are being done and have the chance to voice your opinion, ask questions, get answers, and truly be heard. Also, listen carefully when they do explain, repeating back your understanding of it so you both know the communication was interpreted accurately.

      With that said, one way to keep things feeling a bit better is to focus on school and working towards what want you want in your life after high school. Another is to request a CASA through your social worker, so you have someone who can help you get your questions answered and act as your voice when you’re not being heard. If your social worker doesn’t follow through, make a call to the local CASA organization from school.

      Please know that the experience of running a business will be there with you always and you can succeed as you work through the current situation.

      Consider going about it all by asking questions about what is expected, how it all works, and stuff like that. Generally, this approach works better than focusing on the feeling of being imprisoned and fighting against it. I understand the feeling and need to fight when it doesn’t feel right or is unjust, yet you’re more likely to be dismissed as being aggressive or a problem with a fighting approach. I’m not saying to give up or just give in, but to try an assertive approach and gather the information you need to work through it. One question that comes to my mind is “what is a temporary restriction versus a permanent one?” Another is, “what will it take on my end or your end to change the restriction?”

      If needed, can you ask a teacher or someone to help you assertively communicate? Perhaps some internet research on how to communicate assertively could help. Also, I give this advice as it is something that normally takes many years of adult practice to master getting what you need in the most effective way.

      All the best to you!

      Reply
  • 178. BlueJay  |  March 4, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Try being in a home were everyone thinks they are perfect and won’t believe anything you say. A foster home actually. Just because they are adults, doesn’t mean they don’t ever lie.

    Reply
  • 179. pamela  |  March 19, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    I can totally relate! I was in foster care from age 15 to 18. One of the rules i hated was the no electronics rule. I couldnt have a cell phone, ipod or anything. there was just a radio and a tv in my room, and even then i couldnt watch a dvd or anything. They also kept me in there for three years because they said they couldnt find any substancial evidence that my father was abusing me. even though i went there with bruises all over me especially where he choked me. its seriously the most corrupt system out there

    Reply
  • 180. Mercedes  |  April 12, 2013 at 2:04 am

    I agree, I’m 16 and they’ve completley ruined my life. now that im an early high school graduate they are getting ready to emancipate me. im not ready for all that and i have no say. it sucks because i have no suppsrt system . also ever since i graduated i was told i cannot go to a university or the school i want to go to. the system encourages kids to graduate and go to college but when it comes to that point they dont pay for you to go to school. Excuse my french but its complete bullshit! I’ve been in 25 homes and im so sick and tired of the system. They’ve never helped me my whole sixteen years. Only my CASA. But im at the point where I cant wait to get out. The worker acts like they cant do anything! For example i have not had a clothing allowance in years. Bullshit. The syste m is another form of slavery. Movies talk about how good the system is but they need to make a movie about all the abuse and neglect we go through

    Reply
    • 181. Kelly  |  April 16, 2013 at 2:47 am

      You can actually go to any school you want to, when i was in foster care, they told me they would pay for my college, but they only pay for 4 year colleges, and not Universitys or better schools, (it really depends on where you’re from, I live in Illinois, but laws are different in every state). Most jobs reguire you to do more then 4 years of school, but you could either get a loan from the state, which you pay back after you finish school, or you can get a grant which you only have to pay back if yoy fail a class or drop out for any reason. Also foster parents get money for housing you, if they didn’t buy you clothes, what DID they use that money for? I could be anything from drugs to a secret underground porn opperation, alot of people only house foster kids to make money, the more kids they have the more money they have. I know it’s hard, I went through alot also, especially in my teenage years being in foster care, nobody really listens to you, I was in an abusive foster home for almost 2 years cause no one would listen to me, my caseworker was always busy, or my foster parent would sit in on my therapy sessions which for some reason she had the right to do. Anyway my email is (shes_into_star_wars@yahoo.com) It sometimes it gets to the point where you just wanna give up and run away. From experience i know that makes it worse, Please don’t give up, if you need to talk or just need like to vent don’t be afraid to email me. I can’t make things better for you, I want to, i really do, but I can give you hope that it life does get better. Always hold your head high, don’t let anyone dampen your pride. don’t be afraid to email me.

      Reply
    • 182. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 4:54 am

      I have a little advice if you care to hear. I went to Job Corps (Weber Basin-Job Corps in Utah) And it was the best thing that happened to me. http://www.jobcorps.gov/home.aspx Please look into this…I was in a bad place when I was younger. I went to Job Corps… Just so you know; it offers education yes, college. you live in a dorm. You learn a trade and get certificates… You get on the Job Training… You usually get placed in a Job. And the Counselor will help you find a place to live and helps you to get the best experience possible.

      Message me if you have any questions – cdringl@gmail.com

      Reply
  • 183. Kelly  |  April 16, 2013 at 2:24 am

    I was in foster care from the age of 14 to 18, I ‘aged out’ is what they called it. As soon as I turned 18, after I finished High School of course. I left the foster parents I was living with, and I went home. One thing I don’t understand is, about less than a year after my siblings and I were taken away, my siblings got to go back home to my mother. I didn’t, my case worker told me it was because I needed more help, but I didn’t get any. I took the same meds for 5 years, these pills messed me up so bad I was literaly leaning up against walls and falling asleep. I almost fell asleep in a pool. No one knew these pills weren’t working because no one asked, I saw a Psyhciatrist maybe 3 or 4 times in those 5 years, and that was within a 5 month period. Also sometimes they just place you without thinking, when I was 17 I was sent to a womans house who was also housing her youngest son, and grand daughter who were both 13-14 at the time. Lets just say this woman actually got her lisense taken AWAY, because of the things she did to me. Molestation, abuse, physical and emotional. I was housed with her for almost 2 years, the reason it took me so long to say something, was because I was scared. I was scared of where I would end up next, I did end up going to another foster parents who weren’t as bad, but also no better, finally as soon as I finished High School I ‘aged out’ I thought there plan for me was bullshit, and it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life. I’m 26 now, I live with my boyfriend and our beautiful daughter. I wish so bad that I could help every single one of you, it makes me so angry that people would want to treat children like this, I think 15/22 should be a form of neglect, when people sign up to be foster parents, it should be because they want to help homeless, familyless, kids and teenagers alike, not just to adopt a cute little baby. That’s not what it’s about. Older kids need more attention then babies, everyone wants a baby, it’s not hard to find a place for an infant or a toddler. To any older kids who are currently in a foster home, please don’t give up, there is someone out there who wants to actually take care of you, and try to make things better or easier for you, If I had the choice to adopt, which I’m not sure if I can since I was once a ward of the state myself, but if I could, I would adopt the older kids, or any child who has been in alot of homes, or just has had a really hard time. I would never pass up an opritunity to house a teenager, teenagers in the system get alot of crap these days, no one pays attention to them, nobody listens to them, but i want too.

    Reply
    • 184. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 4:48 am

      Wow, the hell you went through and I am sorry to hear. My grandmother was a awesome Foster Mom strict but fun. Every foster Aunt my Mom got told me her home was better than any other home they were in. And my Grandma Past away just recently and there were some reunions of my foster aunts. And what I can tell you is that my Foster Aunt Crissa she because a Foster Parent as well. So don’t worry you can be a foster parent.

      Reply
  • 185. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 6:05 am

    Wow I am amazed by everything said here…

    Reply
  • 186. Ken  |  April 16, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Hey, yea wow what a fucked up world we grew up in huh…no, what a fucked up system in a fucked up world. So listen, I grew up in care too, from 7-18 up until I went into college. This ish is really rough. I’m writing a paper, which focuses on identity development in foster care. I really feel like this stuff would help my argument a lot, and be a huge help in my advocacy work in general. I would like to be able to reach you, and anyone else via email actually to talk and talk and talk. But first, may I have your permission to use your blog? I know you requested that we asked before using it. I really hope you won’t mind. I actually want to get involved in the social work, advocate blah blah blah field, but so that I can be a good social worker or whatever. You know, actually make a difference in a child’s life. Does this sound okay? I’m more than willing to tell my story too if you’d like. Thanks!

    Reply
  • 187. nicole  |  April 25, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    Everyone on this blog has raised good points. As a caseworker, foster parents and CASA need to understand that the county/state has set rules and regulations that we are mandated to follow. orking in the best interest of the child should come first, but caseworkers are “worker bees” and there is a “queen bee” telling you how things should be done. Children should be allowed time to meet with or contact their worker to discuss their concerns issues. How can the worker help if they don’t know what is going on? Also, foster parents and CASA may think that they are doing whats best when they are often times adding fuel to the fire. FP’s should collaborate with parents, and remember that they are “paid professional parents”. The biological parent will always be that childs parent, they may not be able to correct their mistakes, but judging and bad mouthing a bio parent is not good practice. Always remember that it could have been you, and if you had one person to support you things may have been different.

    Reply
    • 188. Mike Hatz  |  August 20, 2013 at 12:03 pm

      Nicole, thank you for your post. My wife and I went to a connect meeting with the agency that is handling our foster licensing, and the woman who led the meeting (her name was also Nicole) said basically the same thing, that the biological parent is still, and always will be connected with that child, and that one of the worst things that a foster parent could do is badmouth or judge that biological parent for their mistakes and for the actions that they might continue to make, even though the child has already been taken away.

      The agency that we are working with is called Youth for Christ, and her guidance was that we should forgive the parent for their bad choices and pray for them, and try to love them even through the hurt that they caused to the children. Before hearing her say that, I always sort of held resentment toward parents that could abuse their children or be involved with drugs during pregnancy, and yet still be able to have children, when my wife and I are decent people but we couldn’t get pregnant on our own. After hearing that from her, and something very similar from you, it has definitely altered my thought process and helped me to realize that forgiveness truly is the best way. Thank you, Nicole!

      Reply
  • 189. Danielle Pike  |  April 27, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Hi there, I am a pre foster child (grew up in childrens homes until I was 12 before being allowed ot move home with my mentally ill mother?!?!) , and now I am an adult with my own children, I am looking into fostering (almost there!!) I live in New Zealand where alot of things are very different. one that surprises me, is the no trampolines, no haircuts, no pets, no single/gay people, HECK most of the rules stated above dont exsist here in NZ. the common rule here, is that foster parents dont have to be perfect, they just have to be good enough. Anyway best to everyone here.

    Reply
  • 190. Janice  |  April 30, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    I am 37 and I was in and out of the same messed up foster home. We were locked in a canning room for hours, we were bathed in the yard with a water hose, and hit for anything an everything. My sister was raped repeatedly by the “foster dad” who never spoke to us, other than taking my sister into the bathroom. Every time my mom messed up they put us back there. We were told if we said anything me an my sisters would be separated and never see each other again. That tactic worked since all we had were each other. The system really screwed me up. I went back to college after 30 and got my crisis counseling degree to help kids who grew up in my situation and the parents to straighten up for their kids. I graduate in 2 weeks and I am thinking about fostering….. It hurts my heart to read these stories and to know the same bs is going on now as it was 20 years ago… Just know we are all loved by a higher power and I know with Him I would have stayed sane during throughout my childhood. For those of you who wish to foster go for it! Give a kid a shot…

    Reply
  • 191. Anika Colbert  |  May 1, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    I am 14 years old. I’m in” treatment fostercare” for. anxieity! WTF EVERYONE HAS THAT. I hate how they think of u as a paycheck. i wish i were more then that though… Fuck the system. they could care less “fostercare” there should not be the word care in there at all!!!! I want to run far away but i know they would find me.. or not even vother look.

    Reply
  • 192. sarah hall  |  May 2, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Witnessed some pretty horrific stuff in foster homes. It’s the sort of stuff you only talk about if you want to be put into a mental institution. I think getting my records would be a huge help to piecing together some of the stuff and finally give me some peace of mind. Does anyone have any idea where to start in California with unsealing foster home records?

    Reply
    • 193. LooneyTunes  |  May 5, 2013 at 11:31 pm

      hey. i am not from california, but i found this

      http://www.youthlaw.org/fileadmin/ncyl/youthlaw/publications/seal_access_records/Right_of_Access_to_FosterCareRecords.pdf

      the first part is about juvie, BUT the rest is about foster care records. it might help you.

      it said something like in california, the records are destroyed when you turn 28. but i dont know.

      in my state, the fucking records are kept forever, but kept under social service laws. good luck. peace.

      Reply
    • 194. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 3:55 am

      I think when you are 16 you are entitled to get a copy of your records. (I am a FP in California and this is what they told me.) I don’t know if it’d be a complete copy, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask. If you have an attorney or CASA you could ask them. Or, just say to your social worker, “I understand California law allows you to get a copy of your records when you turn 16. I would like to get them.” Worst they could do is tell you it’s not true.

      Reply
  • 195. diesha  |  May 10, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    not being able to go to ah friends house without ah back ground check

    Reply
  • 196. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 3:58 am

    As a FP, one of the toughest things is not being able to leave a child with a responsible, trusted friend for more than 24 hours (without the background check and at least one first aid/cpr certifications) when there’s an emergency. I have great friends, but they are not willing to do all this.

    Reply
  • 197. Sean  |  May 24, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Cps takes you from your home and says we want you to have a better life if they wanted us to have a better life why do they take important things away like tools and equipment we can’t even drive till were out of foster care we can’t jump on a trampoline but I agree people get hurt and I’m a Christian and I’m going to be dumped Christian on the street

    Reply
  • 198. Lorie Radabaugh  |  May 29, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I so agree with everything that is said here, we were foster parents to our 2 great nieces for all but 11 months, and because the mother, who knows how to manipulate the system due to working in the family and services field, could NOT accept the fact, that her children were happy in life without her, helped to have them removed from our home and placed with total strangers, because we were “conflict” in reunifying them with their bio mother…..the only reason she detoxed or entered into rehab, was because she was arrested for public drunkinness and possessing drugs…and her probation officer told her she either committed herself for 6-9 months or she would go to prison……………the only reason the woman called the children the 3 nights a week allotted her, was because her counselor sat her down at the phone, sat with her, and recorded that she called them, for the courts sake………………..I PLAN TO FIGHT TO THE SUPREME COURT IF NEED BE, WITH GOD IN MY CORNER, TO HAVE SOME OF THESE MESSED UP “LAWS” CHANGED FOR THE SANITY OF THESE INNOCENT CHILDREN THAT GET RAN OVER, WHILE THE PARENTS DECIDE WHAT TO DO………ANYONE WISHING TO JOIN ME, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME ON FACEBOOK……………..LORIE WRAPCRAZY RADABAUGH……………THANKS AND GOD BLESS…..

    Reply
  • 199. bluejuliej  |  June 1, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    My BFF is an awesome foster mom and the rules in her county require *written* permission to leave the county (and the county line is probably 600 feet from her house). Her fosterdaughter got into a really cool magnet arts high school that is, you guessed it, in another county.

    The Authorities wouldn’t grant fosterdaughter permission to attend Magnet Arts in Neighboring county, located 3/4 mile from BFF’s house. Thus Fosterdaughter attends a much-less-good in-county school … six miles away.

    Do people stay up late making up rules to make life difficult for foster kids?? Or am I just too stupid to see the danger that lurks in letting a foster kid go to the great public high school of her choice??

    Reply
  • 200. Tabs  |  June 7, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I am 1 of 5 girls. my 2 younger sisters who are twins were adopted from my mom as babies to family friends when they were 12 they came back to stay with us because one was sexually asaulted by her adoptive father. Because of this a case was opened with child protective services. We had this old couple come in and investigate our home even though it happened at their dads house. This couple had it out for us from the start. Long story… My oldest sister was 17 emancipated with a 2 yr old and my mom worked day and night to pay the bills. But we were 13,14,15 yrs old so we cleaned cooked etc for ourselves.

    One day out of the blue in svhool our names are called
    over P.A. System. We get to the front and find police
    officers, principal, and dss b¡+©h Case worker waiting and the tell is we are taken away from our mom to get in the car and leave all our belongings behind. No clothes, makeup, book bag, pictures…NOTHING. Had no idea what was going on or if wed see each other or friends again. It was horrible, sad, tramatic, and just down right cruel. They didnt care about my all A’s and 1 B… Or that my sister and I were just recently reunited no being ripped apart. We
    didnt get to say good bye or hug them because they were in a grade under and
    different school. We were seperated with no idea when or if wed go home. But
    the bad part was that the took us away saying we were in imminent danger
    from abuse and neglect because our mom was working from 5-10 pm. She
    worked during school hours as well but we were at school. She took us to
    school & picked us up everyday. We had food, clothes, beds, water, everything and more. But she was a single mom so she couldnt be there 24/7. What tripped me out was that the state spent more than $900 each month on each of us… Thats $900 x 4 to equal $3600 per month for our family care in the system. Plus gas, materials, etc. for the case worker. Then there is the doctors, drug test, therapy, etc per child. So if my mom being home more could have helped us not be in “danger” why not help her with a fraction of the money they spent on us. $600 a months would have allowed her to be home at night? Why not do more to help non-abusive, non-drug addict, sinking parents to keep their
    children instead of paying 6x as much. They give foster parents money,
    foodstamps, medical help, etc to take care of someone else’s child… Why not
    help struggling but good parents? Its dumb as hell.

    Now for the fun part. I have hypoglycemia so my sugar drops and I black out. They did not include this in my file. 2 days into my temo group home and I tell
    them I need a snack bc my sugars low- they,tell me im a liar bc its not in my file
    and to get back upstairs. I blacked out at top of stairs and fell down. My sister
    runs in and flips out on them for not listening. She asked for apple juice and a
    cookie or snack… They give her a ketchup cup with sugar in it (granulated
    sugar) and said I would eat it if I wasnt faking. Couple days later we were seperated again and I was sent 100miles away to long term group home which was more like a camous with mulit-group homes for differnt ages and boys and girls. it was miserable. I didnt have my sisters addresses or phone numbers no contact with them for months. At this group home, I was in more danger than ever before. I had a root canal on a bad tooth. They prescribed lortab and ibprofen, but my “house parents” wouldnt give me my pain meds. They said I wasnt allowed to take it there, yet the filled the rx. I reported this to case worker and the other people there but no help. A few weeks later I had 6 cyst on my ovaries and as the ruptured I was in bad pain, doubled over the arm of the couch but no er or doctor. Finally my house mates (other teens) refused to go to dinner hall or school until they took me to the doc. Once again pain meds
    prescribed and not given. Reported again- again no help. Told my mom and
    she started working on a new case worker but no luck. Later she got a new guardian ad litem which proved beneficial in the end. lastly a month before we
    were released- I was out side on the campus walking with a friend, she went
    back to our cottage and a 17 yr old guy (i thought was a friend) cornered me
    and was trying to kiss me (i was 14) I tried getting away but he picked me up
    and ebentually body slammed me onto a brick fire pit wall. My back at the very
    bottom hit the bricks with full force and I couldnt walk to get away. Another
    guy who was like a brother to me heard the screams and came running. He
    beat the hell out of the guy that attacked me. When he carried me home and
    explained they made him put me down at the door, but I couldnt stand or walk.
    He said no, rushed in, and laid me on the couch. The cops were called not on
    my attacker but on my friend. He got arrested for assault while my attacker
    didnt. To make matters worse- they wouldnt take me to the doctor for almost 2
    weeks. now my back is ruined. I went to college and got a degree that I cant use
    because the damage to my back has gotten so bad. This was eventually the reason we got to go home. The judge agreed if this happened in state custody but not in my moms then how could we have been in danger with her. I wish I knew then what I know now bc I couldve sued the state.

    Reply
  • 201. peen39  |  June 9, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    I have a child in foser care & have done all the “required ” services but I have spinal stenosis which leaves me in a great deal of pain. I am on Dr. prescribed medicine have had my doctor write letters etc. & they are still refusing to give my child back to me.

    Reply
  • 202. bobb dillon  |  June 12, 2013 at 12:30 am

    I worked at the Heart of Florida Youth Ranch with my wife for a year and a half. We had eight to ten awesome teenage girls at any given time. The system is broke and the only thing worse than the system is the people who don’t get it, we were fired for being to good.
    We cared, we questioned idiotic rules, we let our girls be teenagers, we made our cottage a home not an institution, we tore up the rules and lived as a family. Thanks for firing us you self rightous hippocrite (sp).

    Reply
  • 203. sandra allen  |  June 16, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    My son Stephen Allen Jr. was kidnapped, raped and his skull and collar bone broken while in the care of Mercy First Foster Care…516 873 9191 9210404……their funding is now cut ..because of other injuries to other children tooo…they discourage children from any form of art or music therapy which I suggested to be used……instead potent psychiatric drugs mind altering drugs given to my son and others who cry to be returned home to their parents…..If anyone sees Stephen Allen Jr 11years please tell him his mother and father love him dearly and we are ALIVE….. see Fury at Foster Abuse….New York Post and Jamaican Oberver..Want our son back…..Fraud Forensic Jill Jones Sodderman HE IS NOT STEPHEN K I N G BUT BORN STEPHEN DANIEL ALLEN JR. mother Sandra Morrison-Allen 516 417 7242 and father REV DR. Stephen Allen Sr 876 287 3751

    HOW MUCH MONEY ??? before you let go our child go G O D is watching!!!!!
    Deidre Reynolds-Dunn — Rachelle Sokoul—–Gina Cambria—–even thoughh you dont beleive in G O D!!!1

    PLAMS 109 invoked

    ee also Queens Supreme Court case 1496/08
    see also Federal case CV10 0667, CV 08 1226 CV 11-1613

    Reply
  • 204. raymond pierce  |  June 25, 2013 at 5:46 am

    I’m tired of putting up with the system and my controlling social worker she does t want me to go any where in life and won’t help me. I’m signing out today and yelling fuck you at her for ruining my life. I’ve been in care with my twin brother since we were 8 years old and I’m 18 now. They spilt us up at 17 and we have been trying to live with each other but she keeps crushing that dream. I have stayed longer than i should’ve thinking I’ll get money and free college but fuck that it’s not worth being depressed for money and help. I’d rather pay that shit myself and live where I’m happy. My girlfriend sees the fuckery as well.

    Reply
  • 205. Nicole  |  July 11, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    I’m a foster parent in the state of Nebraska, It’s messed up a lot of the rules. For example the agency I go through says straight MARRIED couples only, so if my husband and I weren’t married even if we’d been together like 15 years they’d say no. (agency thing not state). But the haircuts things is dumb, I’m having to get a court order for a haircut right now through the GAL because mom won’t cut the boy’s hair. Ugh so stupid to waste tax dollars on something that tiny. & I dunno about the pet thing but I have 2 cats that I would never get rid of and I’m licensed so I think that is a state thing. Thankfully my foster children have never hurt them.

    Reply
  • 206. Dawn Kaucher  |  July 26, 2013 at 2:17 am

    Hello, I’m about to become a foster parent. By listening to you has made me understand more about what the child will be wanting. I am fostering, because I want a child to share our family with. My husband and I were never able to have children. And so we want to nurture foster children. We won’t be doing it for the checks. We don’t care about the money, we just want a family and to give a firm structure for a child’s future. When I say firm. I mean a true upbringing. With love, no pain. We aren’t ditch but we have enough for a child and can give he or she a nice life. Thank you for the great information!

    Reply
  • 207. Tailor  |  August 2, 2013 at 12:44 am

    I realize this is old but Ive been doing some research so I thought I would comment. My name is Tailor, I’m nineteen years old now. I was in foster care for almost SEVEN years. Bounced between homes and shelters with my five syblings. I actually ended up in a foster home with an accused rapist. Needless to say things didn’t go well there. After staying with those foster parents, my four younger brothers and one older sister as well, they finally removed us after finding out he had been accused of rape by his wife’s, our foster mother’s, children a few years before. After two years the things that had been done to us in that home are unimaginable. But what gets me the most is how the DFS system didn’t see it. We had bruises, one of my younger brothers developed a speech impediment and none of us would make eye contact. When we were taken from the home we were giving screenings and bodily exams…obviously revealing the abuse we had endured. About a year later we were forced to go on trial and testify in front of our foster father and his family and tell this room full of people we didn’t know, stories we didn’t want to tell. Foster care was the WORSE experience of my life. I was eventually adopted by a couple who were my foster parents. My brothers and sister and myself were split into two homes. I moved out when I was seventeen because I graduated early, had a job and bought myself a car and an apartment. Obviously the situation with my adoptive parents didn’t work out. They told me when I left that they were happy because they just adopted me for the money. They get almost THREE THOUSAND dollars a month for my two little brothers, my sister and myself for adopting us. It’s called a maintenance fee…I am going to college now for astrophysics and when I graduate I want to be a foster parent SO bad. I want to show kids the love they deserve and let them know that there is good. I wasn’t given that opportunity so I want to share it with someone.

    Reply
  • 208. gothrules  |  August 11, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    God love you. It is no surprise you are depressed. Good for you that you got out of bed today and went to work. One step at a time.

    Reply
  • 209. Jimmy  |  August 11, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    I’m a foster kid and my foster brothers girl friend is too we fuck the rules all the time :p

    Reply
  • 210. Jerry  |  August 12, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    My wife and I are fostering to adopt, or so we thought. It appears that CPS has not been very truthful about their desire to terminate parental rights with bio parents. Bio mom has already had two kids taken away previously and both bios have failed to live up to their plans on more than one occasion. Mom was arrested for drugs and conveniently gets out just in time to show up with lawyers.
    What really irritates us is we feel like we’ve been used as high priced babysitters until the bios get things together. Apparently CPS and the attorneys are seeking reunification with the bios and the court dates for aggravated circumstances keep being pushed back. This was because the case supervisor had a scheduling conflict and the attorney for CPS didn’t hand over documents to the bios attorneys. This has happened three times now. You’d think they would know they have to do that at least! Our thinking, confirmed by others who have dealt with CPS, is they just fumble and drop the ball to the point that they give up and give the bios one more chance to get their act together. Meanwhile, my wife and I are becoming distressed and heartbroken by all the lies and very thought that these kids could/will be given back. This is not to mention the thousands of dollars we’ll never recoup but we really don’t care about that. We just want to keep these kids.

    Reply
  • 211. Denecia  |  August 14, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I completly agree with the disagreements of the foster care system. My sister & I was took from my mother when we were ages 12 &14. They took us because we argued to much. They split me and my sister up and put us in two diffrent homes in different towns., that seperating us from our mother wasnt enough. My mom went to therapy and parenting classes every week for 6 years. But the state never sent us home. We were forced to stay with strangers, who honestly just wanted the pay. Then they can treat you like a dog bring a little kid down to nothing. Make them feel unwanted and the children are told that there parents dont love them and dont want them back. Foster parents look at teens in the system as slaves. Make them do they’re family’s dishes laundry, deap clean theyre family’s rooms. In alot of cases ive even been hit by a foster mom, and cursed, i was called a bitch, a dumbass, that i wont ever become anything in life, and that ill end up in prison like my dad and brother or ill end up like my mom and get my kids taken away. The list goes on and on about the nneglect and mental/physical abuse from foster parents. Yet the state believes its in the childs best intrest, when they would rather be in the situation they was with biofamily, because no matter what opion the judge has on a mother i dont agree it should result in never seeing there child/creation again. Now there are certain circumstances where the bioparents just dont deserve kids. And those cases are what the state needs to focus on. In stead of taking children out thwhome for stupid reasons. My aunt lost her four daughters also. She didnt end up to lucky with the case. She went to theropy and got a job she got off welfare and bought a house, decorated theyre rooms and got them each new clothes and toys they wanted. In eager to get her daughters back, the state used her babies as a prize. They teased her, they gave her. Visits then took them away for no reason. She lost the fight unfortunately. And her children are scattered threw out the state. The sad thing is, is that children in foster care never get to feel normal again. So to all children & teens in foster care, dont stop fighting for what you believe in. Trust and believe there will be a brighter day, im the living proof. I have my own house 20 with no kids yet in my secound year of collage to become a sergical technician. I also ran away at seventeen. But i took control of my life & didnt let a judge whright my book, i took it over. And feel tremendously accomplished. Thanks for listening. <3

    Reply
  • 212. Mike Hatz  |  August 20, 2013 at 11:49 am

    As a married man, working on getting my foster license in the State of Washington, I can completely agree with the fact that there are hundreds of stupid rules that hold up the process. My wife and I just want to get licensed, because we feel “called” into the foster program here in our state, and would love to welcome a child or four into our home, whether short-term (respite), or long-term, with the goal to adopt, if that’s the way it works. We’re upstanding people, neither one of us has even had a speeding ticket in the last 5 years, I’m a veteran in our military, with almost 16 years of active service. We’re not trying to do this for the “paycheck” that Washington would give us, or for the recognition that we would get from the community. We merely want to bring children into our home, love on them, and provide them with stability until their situation is resolved, or until rights are terminated and we can adopt, especially since we’ve been trying for years to have children of our own biological material, without any luck.

    Washington State, like most other states, has rules that are, apparently, designed to inhibit or discourage people from wanting to become foster parents or adoptive parents. As the OP wrote, trampolines are not allowed…unless they are fenced off, with protective nets, and unless the parents are willing to stand outside and watch with eagle eyes for any potential accident. Swimming pools, whether they are built-in, above ground, or even those plastic or inflatable “kiddie pools” that people set up in their front yards during the summer MUST be fenced off and locked, without access unless under direct supervision from the parents. Cribs MUST be manufactured after 2011, no matter whether or not the crib that you currently own meets all of the specifications required by the 2011 crib safety mandates, unless the crib was manufactured after the deadline, you have to buy a new crib. Children up until they are two years of age have to sleep in a crib, and after 12 months, they can’t be in the same room as the parents, and if they are going to be in a mixed-gender bedroom, neither one of the children can be older than six years old.

    I understand these rules. I really do. They are safety guidelines. They are established because, if you didn’t establish the rules, people would go to Goodwill and buy a collapsible crib from 1962, stick it in the hallway, and make their foster child sleep there. But what irks me the most about these rules is that, if I was a drug-dealing heroin addict, I could get knocked up, have a drug-affected baby in a restroom at McDonalds, make that baby sleep in the trunk of my car, without medical care, expose that poor child to cigarette smoke and drugs, and generally set him up for failure in his life, and nobody would stop me. But if I want to do the “right thing” and bring one of these poor children into my home, the state has the right to invade my privacy, inspect my home, run my background information and financial history, and generally determine my “fitness” before I’m even allowed the opportunity to demonstrate my parenting skills and love one of these children who so desperately need a stable, loving home. I’m not giving up on the process, my wife and I are determined to get licensed, but the process seems filled sometimes with almost insurmountable challenges.

    Thank you for your post!

    Reply
  • 213. Sarah Redecker Sarich  |  August 25, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    One of the stupidest rule in my state is that if you accept kids under the age of 7, you are supposed to have plugs in all electrical outlets. When my bio-daughter was a baby, those plugs were a magnet to her. It was safer to leave them out than it was to leave them in. This is something that should be done on a case-by-case basis.

    Also, I find it disturbing (even though I don’t smoke) that it is illegal for anybody to smoke in my house or vehicle when it isn’t illegal for anybody else in the state. The government should have more important things to worry about.

    I hear you on the car and the haircuts. The first things we are doing when my foster daughter turns 18 is going to the salon and helping her get her driver’s license.

    Reply
  • 214. Laura  |  September 3, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I needed that laugh today. The content wasn’t funny, but how you delivered it was. I’m an adoptive parent. I wanted to give a loving home to kids who needed it. I didn’t go out and adopt babies. I agree 100% with your stupid rules. I wish I had met you, I wish I could have been the one to give you what you needed. I tried and am still trying to do the right thing. I have 3 kids. One was adopted as a 15 month old….. Never expected that. The second time around, 2 siblings 7/9 @ the time. The 7 year old who is now 14 is continually on a daily basis making our lives difficult. Constant problem. His older sister, appreciates and is aware of what might have been if we hadn’t adopted her. I can’t imagine my life without her in it. Her brother, the now 14 year old is another story. I could give him back tomorrow with no regret. Our house is a battle ground 5 out of 7 days. It’s not what I wanted for any of us. I thought a loving, stable and secure home with 2 parents would make a difference, but I’m not too sure:(

    Reply
  • 215. Jayce  |  September 8, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Foster care is the stupidest thing that exists in America today. Nothing has changed since I’ve been in it and I honestly don’t think anythin ever will

    Reply
    • 216. Emma  |  September 8, 2013 at 10:17 pm

      I know what that feels like. You’re sitting in foster care and nobody is trying to help. They make such a big deal about single people not fostering meanwhile the foster parents they do have are abusing the kids.

      Reply
  • 217. SkeeterToellner  |  September 15, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I agree with the top of the list guy, foster care rules suck, I was a faster parent with my husband for over 28 yrs, I took in older kids, with emotional, problems, these poor kids went to foster home to foster homes for no real good reason, they mostly hated the system hated starting over new school , new dam workers theriopist pschitrists, ya let’s call every kid Post traumatic stress, reactive attachment kid ADD ADHD ect, Now they are Treatment Kids and the State pays more money, I do know the bullshit, I understood them I would argue and fight to try and help them I treated their N family with respect and tried to help them ( when I could) They try and fire You, by lieing about, your home, I would give my kids ,pets, bikes, 4 wheelers, put them in every sport, 4H ect ect Reason to have a cast of non social services people to protect us and my Kids, They still try and find unreal ways to try and fire you, We even payed for the kids to have good dentist, theriopist, hospital emails all out of are own pocket wanted them long term( untill graduation High School or College, They still would turn on us, all kids want to hurry up and be 18 and live free from the system , be free on their own , even offered to stay past 18, workers actually used this to convince kids to leave, unreal of course they were sorry and want to come home, or after court, what ever Social Services would not let them come back, Why because we did not want to adopt every kid, They were always welcome to live with us as long as they wanted to, we help dozens of kids get jobs go on to school ect ect, But we would not sign that we would adopt, in Wi they ask you the day they place a kid, “if we can not Reunify will you adopt” even before You meet the kids, and their own families are lied too, and even no matter how hard they try or their grandparents, They do not Reunite, unless they happen to hire a real expensive attorney, The system lags, I know I have seen this over and over,We were really good fair and loved and cared for kids I did cheat the rules if it made, are kids happy, I bought a 14 yr old her own horse, she loved her, they made me take it away I refused they took the 14 yr old she lived with us since age 4, saying they had an adopted home for her, oh they did and abused her, She wanted to come home, We had a long term agreement through the court, they changed workers and took her. I kept her horse untill it died of old age, I was not allowed any contact,now CCR are under investigation, it is all about money not are kids, not are foster homes, just money, I have had 93 foster kids in 28 yrs average stay ( 5-14 yr) then the adoption law came in, Not saying its all bad, but not fair, not every case fits in the same mold now 53 yrs old (I quit) and can not get a job, foster parenting is not work experience, For all you kids and adult kids I want you to know I Love You and do agree with you and did adopt are Son at age 18

    Reply
  • 218. Millie  |  September 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I totally agree…Just recently became the foster parent to my own grandson and I have to get permission to cut his hair. My reaction was the same. If I am paying out of my pocket for him to look nice and groomed why in the Hell do I have to get permission from his mother who never kept it groomed in the first place….A lot of things really piss me off with these people. I could understand if I’m grandma why do I have to be foster mom too. I don’t want your check this is my blood and will do it in a heart beat.

    Reply
  • 220. Millie  |  September 19, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    By the way I took him to get a haircut anyway because I wanted him to look nice in school….I told the worker if they didn’t like it take me infront of the Judge…If the state feel like they want to take him away because I wanted him to look nice I wouldn’t have a problem with getting a lawyer. Haven’t heard anything as of yet that was 2 weeks ago at least regarding the haircut…I’ll keep you posted if anything futher comes up regarding the haircut.

    Reply
  • 221. Millie  |  September 20, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Well the states sees fit to place the children in foster care for some reason or another so they are temporary the individuals child. If a foster child wants to look like the other kids in school are we suppose to deny the child. Or let the child go ungroomed until when cause some cases are not just a month or two. If your a teenage foster child and you see other kids driving are they suppose to be denied because for whatever reason they’re in the system. How do you explain that!!!!!! It is the foster parent child temporary and in some cases longer than temporary. We can provide love and nurture the child but can’t go out the box. And I’m talking about people that really care for these children. There are some foster parents that treat these children as their own and do for them like they birthed them themselves.

    Reply
  • 222. james  |  September 28, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    everywhere I see the best for the kid.. well it is rules that are best for the state.. for get the kid.. A foster parent is not a parent, they are babysitters and make no way a home for this child.. they are just visiting and even if they have been with you over 5 yrs and still playing this game.. and as far as pay for taking care of them,, well they think your paid well.. well 238 per month does not go far and the money does not pay for all they need, but they do not care.. I think most kids in the state are more hurt and abused than most other places.. anyone other than the state would have them taken form them.. guess that is the way the law goes.. is not fair for the kid or the foster parent..

    Reply
  • 223. Michael Zaldivar  |  September 30, 2013 at 5:05 am

    I had a “Social worker” named James Colon who worked for the ( Then named) Los Angeles County Dept. of Adoptions in 1976, he actually was nice enough to read to me the reason I was given up for adoption ( I never was ) My mother stated that she gave me up because as a devout Catholic she was not supposed to have kids out of wedlock. Now that I think about that statement, doesn’t Catholic teachings say that you’re not supposed to FUCK! out of wedlock either??? Anyway, she was 37 years old when I was born, my father was, get this, 51 years of age! I always think, what the hell were these two thinking? as a result of this “Horizontal Mambo” I went through the worst hell that any child should ever have to go through, FOSTER CARE! I just want to say “THANKS MOM!!!” my Bio-moms name is Irene C. Liptak, as of this year I do believe she is around 89 years of age, and still alive in Provo, Utah. My bio-fathers name is Felipe O. Saldivar ( Yes my name is misspelled, Moms fault ) he lived in San Fernando, California. Now deceased in 1986. He had 2 other kids that I know of, Philip “Sonny” Saldivar and Alicia Saldivar I think she lives in Lancaster, California. My half brother Philip was the Principal of San Fernando High School in the early to mid 2000’s I read that he passed on. Strangely enough the last foster home I was in, my foster father’s sister was married to my bio- father in the 1940’s. how’s that for a small world! Oh, I forgot to mention I never met My bio-parents, Foster care from day one! SOOO, if any one out there knows either one of my biological parents, drop me a line! at aggnrff4@gmail.com Thanks!!!

    Reply
  • 224. Natas Hastings  |  October 18, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I’m in this fucked up system. I am 18 and my catch-22 is that I have no way to get out of Foster Care because Foster Care won’t let me have a job, phone, computer, money, car, id, bank account, freedom, driver’s ed, or anything else that would allow me to obtain any level of independence…

    Reply
    • 225. Kathy  |  November 4, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      I feel you there. :( Had a niece in foster care for a while, she was 16, they wouldn’t let her get a permit, job or a phone. As a 16 yr old you NEED a cell phone in this day and age. It’s actually more dangerous for you not not have one!

      Reply
      • 226. Elisa  |  December 9, 2013 at 2:16 am

        While I was in care in Utah, I had a job, a cell phone and a laptop at 16 but I was very well behaved and it may be a foster parent specific thing.

        Reply
  • 227. Jo  |  October 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I can only amagine how you felt. But there are parents that try to work very hard with cps. The rule regarding how many months the child stays in foster care sometimes is because the caseworker is to lazy to do their job. That’s why that rule apply. I jumped through hoops and nothing at all was done for me. I feel for you. I could only imagine what you went through. I hope you’ve learned how to let it go. I wish you well.
    .

    Reply
  • 228. Ruth  |  November 3, 2013 at 6:51 am

    i want to share my great testimony on how i get my ex back in just 48 hours,after will have dated for good 8 years he left me and go for other for no reasons. i beg him i do all i can i to bring him back but he always refuse me, block me on fb and not picking my calls. i cry all day all night because of the love i have for him. i met DR kate love spell online and explain all my problem to him and he told me to believe him that after the casting of the return and love spell he must come begging so i have faith. after the casting of the spell in the next 48 hours my ex came back begging for forgiveness, again i must say a very big thank to Dr Kate love spell he is really a wonderful man reach him for help: katelovespell@hotmail.com

    Reply
  • 229. Kathy  |  November 4, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    We actually fostered my sister’s best friend, Shelly, when her parents abused her. They made us feel like criminals at large while they were investigating us! They searched my panty drawer and under my bed for “guns” and stuff years ago to make sure we weren’t hiding anything.(I was about 12-13 at the time.) Then they’d ask up suspicious questions like “So why do you want HER? Why do you want to have this young girl in your house with you? What are you up to? Do you abuse your bio children?”

    It was a disgusting ordeal to go through. This girl was my sister’s BEST Friend and if she went to normal foster family she’d of never seen my sister again until she was released at 18 or so. They were about 15 at the time so 3 years to see your best friend again is agony.

    Finally after 16 months (yes, 16 months…..)of not finding a single freaking thing wrong with our family they let my mom and dad foster her……for 3 days.
    Yes, 3 days. Shelly was in out house for THREE DAYS before they removed her and put her back into the care of her bio parents who CONTINUED to abuse her.

    Shelly’s sister suddenly changed stories that none of the abuse happened and she and her sister were paid to lie. Which is NOT true!! Shelly has scars! She cried daily! Shelly was suicidal at this point and even attempted suicide twice. The foster system then put her BACK into foster care, but not to us. We weren’t even allowed to speak to her!

    The foster care system claims they want the best and utmost proper care for children, but usually they’re just a confusing mess of lies and overly-suspicious crooks. Shelly was never allowed to speak to my sister, and no reason was given why. Eventually Shelly’s new foster parents moved her out of state (with permission I’m assuming) and we haven’t heard from her since. She’d be about 23-24 years old right now and still be best friends with my sister had the FC system not have done what they did.

    I’m done ranting, it just annoys me that I hear all these wonderful success stories and then our real-life experience was a NIGHTMARE! I hope everyone else fairs better than we did.

    One thing I noticed off about this article is the pet rule. We had five chihuahuas and a large lab. They said absolutely nothing to us about the pets whatsoever. This may be a state-specific rule though.

    Reply
  • 230. Christine  |  November 9, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    How about the fucking caseworker on a power trip telling a teen that his guardians aren’t allowed to take away privileges as a method of discipline? Kid puts on a show, guardians send kid to hospital, kid realizes he’s out of line and comes home on meds. Bitch caseworker on her powertrip can’t get medical records so she files papers and takes kid the day after he’s out of the hospital. Then the bitch didn’t even get the records! Bitch lied about everything! Then bitch didn’t tell foster family that kid had psychologist app’t, trying to mess with guardians, kids mental health, AND the foster family.

    Reply
  • 231. Jacqui  |  December 7, 2013 at 5:48 am

    I have a question to anyone out there that was a fostered child.

    I ask because I just found out that my 2 year old cousin was removed from her Mother shortly after her birth and has been through 5 foster families. Her father has been deemed unfit and the Mother has never tried to make contact. She has been with her current carer for 12 months and is happy and I have been assured that she is well taken care of and that the faimly is wonderful.
    I am allowed to go and visit whenever I want, but its a very long way.

    My question is, if you were in Foster Care and discovered that you had a huge wonderful, loving family that wanted you, but had bonded with your Foster Parents and called them Mum and Dad, who would you have prefered to go with in hindsight.

    Im really struggling with the fact that I have been told that its too late to get her as she has bonded with the Carers, I just want to know from people who have experienced the Foster Care system what the preference would be, because my next step is to either embrace the Foster Family as a part of mine and include this little angel in my life in her current situation, or fight the decision in Court and go and get her. I just want to make the right decision.

    Reply
  • 232. harley goff  |  December 7, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    My name is harley and my dughter aanaztarcia is being Fosterd by her great aunt and uncle i want her back but i don’t know if the court will let me as aana had fallen too many times with da other parent we have had to take mental exams aana is 9mo old now however her aunt fia isn’t letting me see her since last court i bring hee food but they driveoff before i get to their door their not using da baby gats i provided dcfs/ Emily Harris says because i have a autisim spectum disorder that i should not get to raise her all i want is aana safe happy and if possible her to come home i love her i want to give her the world

    Reply
  • 233. Elisa  |  December 9, 2013 at 2:11 am

    I don’t know what state you were in but I was in Utah foster care for a year and a half and absolutely nothing you said here applied to me or anyone I knew. I am just graduating with my bachelor’s degree in criminal justice at 19 years old because my state paid for schooling. My senior project was on Utah foster care and I interviewed tons of foster care teenagers who all told me the same thing: foster care was the best thing that happened to them.

    I got my licence while in foster care ad well as my sister. We were both able to drive with no problems from the state. During transportation to a new placement, I always sat in the passenger seat so I’m not sure where you’re getting that from. I also sat in the front seat whenever I went somewhere with foster parents, no problems.

    Both my foster placements had dogs AND trampolines and we were allowed on and near both. My sister who just became a foster parent also has a dog and a trampoline. I even had a foster sister that was allowed to get her own dog because it provided emotional support and her therapist thought it was a good idea.

    I personally know three single moms who are foster parents and they are great at it.

    I cut my hair while in foster care, dyed it red and bleached it all without consent from anyone and I didn’t get in any trouble whatsoever. I knew other girls that got body piercings as well but I believe those were not supposed to happen without team consent.

    Maybe you had a terrible experience but everyone I’ve talked to has greatly appreciated the experience. Although it does suck at times, it’s well worth it and I don’t know where I’d be without it.

    Reply
    • 234. sndayschld  |  December 22, 2013 at 2:41 am

      Were you in foster care, or kinship?

      Reply
  • 235. Sally  |  December 16, 2013 at 1:34 am

    Can a 17 year old in foster care self-place to biological parents if the kid has to stay in care until the age of 18?

    Reply
  • 236. Szr  |  December 20, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Your right, a lot needs changed in the system! My 4 youngest grandchildren are in foster care & my husband & I stepped up for care for them. We had to get our background checks, and Did all of the work required of us. We got approved as an adoptive resource for them…but the caseworker is now saying we live too many miles away!!!!!
    They knew we lived in another county when they were telling us what to do and being inspected! What changed?
    The whole time these children were in care they could have been placed with us!
    My granddaughter had 2 bones broken while in care…no one knows results of investigation!
    There NEEDS to be a LAW that children MUST be ADOPTED (not just placed) with a relative first (if any are capable)
    They need to also REQUIRE the quardian ad litem AND the judge/master interview any/all family members that are willing!
    These hearing need to be opened to at least grandparents , Aunts/uncles etc

    Reply
    • 237. Adopting Mom  |  January 22, 2014 at 1:42 am

      There is a law “Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 public law 105-89 Which Prohibits Delay or Denial of interjurisdictional Adoption. It also gives procedural guidelines to “Relatives” prior to going outside for adoption. Look it up. Demand your Rights. This is “Federal Law” and takes precedence over “State Law” Hope this helps

      Reply
  • 238. sndayschld  |  December 22, 2013 at 2:35 am

    To Elisa- I was in over 20 placements and was abused in roughly half of those homes and RTC’s. I am now a caseworker and I believe it when my kids tell me something is up. RTC’s are garbage, and shouldn’t even be allowed. So just letting everyone know that abuse does and is happening in foster placements. Oh yeah, stats show that 2% of kids that have aged out get a college education. Hmmmm.

    Reply
  • 239. sndayschld  |  December 22, 2013 at 3:47 am

    Oh yeah Elisa, how did you graduate with a bachelors at 19? I think you are full of it, and for anyone to come on this forum and try to say that they know what it’s like to have been in the system when they really weren’t is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. Foster care was a nightmare. I still struggle with forming bonds and I wonder sometimes if I’m ever going to be able to have a normal life. I work for CPS not because I like the agency, but because I want a chance to be the worker that I never had. I also got my bachelors at 30, after leaving care, being homeless, giving a child up for adoption and being abused by my exboyfriend. No one taught me how to live in the real world. Perpetration for adult living was a joke, and extended care did not exist. Foster care is a culture that you are forced to embrace. You become camilion , and you have to fit in to the home, or your blacklisted. There are many foster parents that have the “savior complex”. They take in these kids and act like the child should be so grateful for a home. It makes me sick. These kids don’t have to be grateful. They are just trying to find someone that will accept them for who they are. Foster parents should expect rebellion and for the child to push limits. Foster parents should pick there battles and not expect the child to “be ever so grateful” and behave themselves. Sorry for the rant, but I needed to say it.

    Reply
  • 240. Christine  |  December 23, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I feel your pain! I was an IFC foster parent and was shut down cause I was to compassionate and fought to much for my 17 year old foster daughter!! Unbelievable, REALLY . A smart family resource coordinator once said to us during training, ” it’s not the children or teens that you have to watch out for, it’s those in charge of them!” She was right !!! DCF forgets these kids are knowing almost adults and when you promise you BETTER COME THROUGH!!! So I fought for those broken promises and was FIRED!!! Appalling protect the child treat them as they were your own, then get black balled!!! The system is broke the dcf institution and dare family services does nothing but finger point and blame each other and the foster parent for screwing up when in all actuality it’s THEM!!! Too COMPASSIONATE !!! Isn’t that what we are there for!! Help us out any law firms that would like to take this one on!!! LOST IN MASSACHUSETTS!!

    Reply
  • 241. Mrs. Kate  |  February 1, 2014 at 4:26 am

    Good posting.Thanks for sharing article with us.i like your post.

    Reply
  • 242. James Rinkevich  |  February 4, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Actually they should not be given money per child either. That just urges them to take more children and flood the system with lots of children who don’t need to be there (estimates run as high as 75% of all foster children don’t need to be there). This enables CWs to put children who are going to be abused by the system for a long time in the worst foster homes, because the children who go home might actually come back and sue them. Long term foster children never have access to money so that’s not an issue. LT you were treated in this way often.

    Reply
  • 243. Nicole  |  February 8, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    I know ho w u feel. I have been in the system for over 18months. Also I’m 19… Was 17 when I enter.. I live with my aunt and all I do is work… I have no life besides school and work.. And chores.. Another messed up thing is I pay for everything myself… I even buy food for my house etc.. Pay stuff they canr. Messed up huh? My aunt ost me over 800… And my case worker knows and says responility….

    Reply
  • 244. momof6  |  February 10, 2014 at 10:14 am

    I am a mom of 6 beautiful babies. 3 boys
    And 3 girls. They were took into states custody. My oldest is 13. I havent seen him since 2004. He was adopted by his foster mother. He was took from me in 2002. Hes dad signed his rights over a week after he was put in foster care. I fought for 2 years. I did what I was supposes to. I got pregnant with my second during this time so I wasnt able to do alot. But when court time came I was 5 mins. Late for court and the judge had signed my name to the paper showing I give up my rights. What wasnt right was they waited 3 hours for my sons dad to get transfered from a jail. Its bad because he didnt have any rights. I was later told by a worker that my son was sold through state. Last time I saw him was 2004 and my second son was 6 months old.
    Now the next 3 are 8,7,5. My son and 2 daughters. I lost them in 2008 when my now 5 year old was 3 weeks old. She got sick and I sit at the hospital with her for 3 days. Their dad was abusive and a drink. When they werr tooj I fought for them. I got pregnant with my now 4 year old. And when their dad moved the visits got moved with him. The worker looked at me and said I know that you dont have a way to see your kids so I guess youll be walking. I moved to where my visits with my kids were and their dad was coming to get me so I could see them. The worker said that I wasnt aloud aroynd their dad and that he couldnt come get me but I could have my visits with him still. Which was stupid in my book. And after a month of him still coming to get me after they said he coulsnt I was told I lost my rights to my kids. So they fought for him to get the kids before me knowing he was on drugs a drunk and abusive. He had epos from me, my mom, and the cops and other people. They were adopted. I was told by a worker that if I moved out of the city I lived in I could keep my 5th. Hes now 4. He was born september 2009. I moved from there thinking id get to keep him I was wrong. When he was born he was put on a 72 hour hold. The worker that was over my 3 kids before this one came here saying I was on drugs and drank. I dont do that and I proved it. I had to do the pee and hair test. I passed. Than they brought up more on me I fought so hard to get him back. I was getting my over nights and everything than one day it all stopped. I hadnt seen him for a while I went to court and they said I wasnt complient with what I was supposed to be doing. And I did everything I was asked I had proof. But they said I wasnt and I ended up doing a voluntary tpr so I could still see him. Noe im going thru it again. I had my daughter december 09, 2013. On the 11th of december they came and took her. Took her because I wasnt still going to see a
    Shrink and because I signed my rights over so he could be adopted. The workerI had at the time said I was a good mother for showing zgood judgement and the lawyer I have now Iis saying the same thing. I didnt want my son in the place I was in. He deserved better and where he is he can get what I couldnt give him. So my lawyer is trying to figure out why me doing that was bad if I knew than I wasnt able to care for him. But now I can care for her and they wont let me have her. She says their using my past life against me. So now im going thru all the steps and everything to get my 2 month old daughter back. Oh bad thing is shes been in foster care since 12-11-2013. This is now 02-10-2014 and ive only gotten to see her 3 times.

    What you were saying about the animal. The homes my kids went to had dogs .

    Reply
  • 245. read full article  |  February 15, 2014 at 8:43 am

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  • 246. Chase  |  February 22, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    I’m I’n fostercare my parents are doing great it’s been 10 months and I was seeing if theres a way around the system to go straight home I got family I’n Texas that I could go to and 3 other family member s I’n north Carolina my mom is doing wonderful and so is my dad now so i need to how to get the fuck home

    Reply
  • 247. AL  |  March 5, 2014 at 10:41 am

    CRAP !!! You had me in tears. I am 53 years old, me and my wife do foster care. And when I say we do foster care, we do it for the right reasons, to give children the opportunity to grow in a safe loving environment allowing kids be kids. My wife and I are very easy going and we don’t really have house rules. We, as foster parents are also sometimes frustrated by rules and regulations imposed by the system…I don’t think my agency likes me very much for breaking some of the rules in favor of the foster child. On many, many, many occasions they get mad at me for acting as the child’s advocate and speak for him or her with judges, lawyers, caseworkers, therapists, etc. But you know what????….I will do what I think is in the best interest of that child even if I get a bad rep with the workers. he he he.
    What really infuriates me is that there are MANY foster parents that do foster care just for the little paycheck making foster care look like “human trafficking”. I can tell you that we have always given our 100% and our LOVE and our support to ALL the children that have passed through our house, even the trouble makers and those difficult ones….God knows we have had more than our share of those.
    Moving back to the subject, a lot of these FUCKED UP rules seem to be changing little by little…Although, some rules I can see, like the driving, but, like you said, if the state assumes responsibility and provides insurance for foster kids, it may someday happen. Im my house we have 2 dogs and 2 cats and one of my dogs is actually certified as a therapy dog…he has helped many of our kids become whole again.
    Now, the haircut….I think is one of the MOST FUCKED-UP rule there is, hair grows just like finger nail do….we are allowed to cut their finger nails!!. But it is not just haircuts, it is earnings and other cosmetic things, like getting rid of moles to give the child some kind of confidence boost.
    But anyway, I could go on all day. Just know that there are some foster parents out there fighting to make the foster care experience a more healthy and pleasant for the children. I love all of the kids that have been in my home….even the bad ones !!!

    Reply
  • 248. Zack  |  March 10, 2014 at 2:29 am

    I’m in foster care in Washington state and the foster system sucks there are so many stupid rules and all the system wants is for you to comply I am rebellious and defiant so my social worker along with everyone else who works for DCFS in south king county hate me and do backflips when I run away cause they don’t have to deal with me til I get arrested again
    Fuck foster care!!!!

    Reply
  • 249. Bridgett Waite  |  March 10, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    I was in the state of Vermont state system for over 15 years. I was made to dress and act like a boy and have crew cuts. Also I signed into the 18 and over agreement. The foster parent I thought I could trust stole over $10,000.00 of my money for personal gain. The state has been notified along with these people’s employers yet nothing is being done to get them to give me my money back. In my eyes all state workers, foster parents etc. all are sleeping in the same bed.

    Reply
  • 250. nichole  |  March 12, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    i am gay and sometimes i fill just because im in foster care they look down on me. me being gay shouldnt matter. im a foster kid and im 15. my 16th birthday is comeing up and i still cant take my drivers test. i struggle with depression and anger, my little sister is in a group home. At first we lived together but the group home kicked me out. i am now forced to show th system im a good influence on my little sister. they are all fucking retards i should be allowed to live with her no matter what. i dnt see normal kids who get in trouble havin to prove to compelete strangers that they deserve to live with their siblings. its almost like im not good enough to have a normal live. “its going to be okay” im tired of fuckin hearing this!

    Reply
  • 251. Kathleen  |  March 28, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Here’s another stupid rule. I’m a foster mom and we have two (foster) kids, aged 4 and 5. This summer, we have several weekend trips planned (doesn’t everyone?) to family-friendly events at which there will be other, friendly children of their age. We submitted the dates. The BIO MOM rejected the dates. Wha???? Since when does she get any say? She would prefer they be put in respite — further traumatizing them, because they’d think we were never coming back for them — rather than letting them go on normal fun vacations. She also nixed a weekend camping trip because she’s never taken them camping and wants to be there when they go for the first time. We’re appealing to DSS…this is ridiculous.

    Reply
  • 252. izzie  |  April 7, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Yes some of this is true dependeing on what kind of foster home u r running a regular foster home that takes neglected kids will be a lot different with a treatment or group homes that have juveniles have to be more restrictive and lots of foster parents let there child sit in front set and foster parents have to give u a hair cut because it is part of taking care of yourself I know a lot of this because I have been in different foster homes all levels and there are a lot of things that you can and cant do because of peoples past and it is all decided by the county because of the specifics of the child

    Reply
  • 253. Roulette Strategy  |  April 8, 2014 at 1:27 am

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  • 254. Beth  |  April 12, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Thank you for your blog. It is truely helping me cope with my beautiful ,but extremely difficult, foster child.

    Reply
  • 255. kitkat00  |  April 14, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Hi everybody. I’m Kate and I’m 12 years old. I live in a care home. I haven’t been luckier enough yet to be fostered. I’m not very fond of care cause I don’t like that I’m treated like a baby. I was put in care cause my daddy was very angry and hurt me and my older brother. A care worker comes in every week to see how I’m doing and it just frustrates me. They say that I can’t go out cause it’s dangerous. They also say that my ADHD is a problem too. I don’t want to stay here any longer but then I’m scared that if I get fostered my foster parents won’t like me and I get put back in the foster home. Anyway my ADHD is influenced by my dad. Please help.

    Reply
    • 256. Jane vargus  |  May 10, 2014 at 1:29 am

      Hi Kate . I’m not sure if you have been placed in a foster home yet. How are you doing now?

      Reply
  • 257. Champions  |  May 8, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Crazy I did not know foster parents could not have pets

    Reply
  • 258. Mathew Tristan Carson  |  May 9, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    i’m in foster care and it sucks real bad my foster mom is being an ass about 18 year old foster kid leaving the house just to smoke a cig. across the street at a park, i mean how stupid is that?

    Reply
  • 259. Tammy South  |  May 20, 2014 at 4:09 am

    I agree 100% i have so much to say i cant even begin, or i wont stop

    Reply
  • 260. Vince  |  May 31, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    Wow, wonderful blog layout! How long have you been running a blog for?
    you make running a blog glance easy. The entire look of your
    website is great, as smartly as the content!

    Reply
  • 261. MRS K. HALL  |  July 2, 2014 at 5:50 am

    I’M A VERY ANGRY BUT VERY LOVING & CARING GRANDMOTHER OF THREE ADORABLE, LOVING, & VERY SMART GRANDBABIES WHO AT THE REQUEST OF MY 24 YR OLD DAUGHTER WHO HAS ADULT ADD-ADHD with BIO-POLAR TENDENCIES & A CPS WORKER TO BE THE CARE PROVIDER OF MY THREE GRANDKIDS TWICE, I EXCEPTED THE RESPONSIBILITY I FELT AS IF GOD HAD BLESSED ME WITH ANOTHER CHANCE AT PARENTING IT WAS A TOTAL BLESSING I TELL YOU WELL THAT CPS WORKER MUST HAVE RETIED WELL I HAD THE KIDS FOR OVER 2 1/2 YRS WITH NO PROBLEMS AT ALL. I HAD WEEKLY VISITS FROM VARIOUS CHILDREN AGENCIES WE ENJOYED IT LIKE IT WAS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR ALL OF US AS A FAMILY AS LONG AS THE KIDS WERE HAPPY THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERED TO ME WELL THEY CALLED MY DAUGHTER IN FOR A TDM MEETING TELLING HER ALL THE THINGS SHE HAD NOT DONE NOW KEEP IN MIND SHE WAS 24 WITH A DISABILITY HER 2 YOUNGEST KIDS WERE BORN WITH DIFFERENT TYPES OF DISABILITY’S THEMSELVES SHE WAS A SINGLE PARENT AND ALL OF THESE ISSUES BECAME OVERWHELMING FOR HER THAT’S WAS SOLE REASON I WAS THE REQUIRED PROVIDER IN THE BEGINNING SO AT THE MEETING ONCE SHE HEARD ALL THOSE LIST OF RULES SHE BLURTED OUT THEN I’D REATHER THE KIDS BE IN THE SYSTEM THEN TO BE WITH MY MOM SO YOU GUYS CAN HELP ME GET THE SERVICES I NEED 2 WEEK’S LATER WE WERE IN COURT THEY USED AND MADE HER LOOK SO UNFIT, ABUSIVE, & NEGLECTFUL AS A PARENT AND EVERYONE IN THAT COURTROOM KNEW I HAD THE KIDS THEY DIDN’T ALLOW ME TO SPEAK AT ALL WRONGFULLY REMOVED THE KIDS FROM A CLEAN, SAFE, LOVING, NON ABUSIVE OR NEGLECTFUL HOME PLACING ALL 3 OF THEM IN FOSTER CARE WITH STRANGERS WHO ARE NOW BEATING AND RAPEING EVEN ABUSING THEM AFTER THEY BEFRIENDED THEM OH HOW DO I KNOW WELL AFTER HAVING THE OLDEST CHILD CRYING ON THE PHONE 6 DIFFERENT TIMES BEGGING GRANDMA TO PLEASE HELP HER & THEN AFTER THE 6th CALL THAT WOMEN TEXTED A PHOTO OF HER WITH A BLACK EYE HER MOUTH & THE SIDE OF HER FACE WAS SWOLLEN, WHILE LOOKING TOTAL NEGLECTED SO I ASKED HER WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER FACE AND WHY DOES SHE LOOK LIKE THAT SHE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY I TOLD HER NOT TO SMILE CAUSE SHE LOOKED LIKE HER MOTHER NOW IF THAT AINT FFUUCCKKEEDD UP AND NOBODY IS WILLING TO HELP ME WITH THIS MATTER AND IT GETS DEEPER THEN THAT NOW WAS IS YOUR THOUGHTS ON THAT

    Reply
  • 262. carson  |  July 21, 2014 at 4:36 am

    I just don’t want to be in foster care anymore!!! it sucks balls!! I’m an 18 year old girl and want to move out on my own and not have to ask permission to do shit like have a fucking sleep over. they can’t protect me forever.

    Reply
  • 263. Lucia Sanborn  |  July 23, 2014 at 11:14 am

    From what ive read here you should start ur own program.u sound inteligent.and seem to have a good head on ur shoulders

    Reply
  • 264. pearl  |  August 1, 2014 at 1:43 am

    Look i see what you mean about gettting every done asap to get our kids back but cys dose not make it easy for you i am there now and i do every thing they say and then they put more on you

    Reply

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I know that means you can't take my writing without my permission. If you do, something can happen.
Plus, that is just a real shitty thing to do -- take someone's thoughts -- so don't do it!

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