fucked up rules of foster care… anyone?
February 18, 2011 at 12:43 am 67 comments
I went to work today which in itself was a miracle, considering I am depressed. But I realize if I lose my job, I lose my apartment. I have no desire to be homeless again, unless I was dead and then you could throw my skinny ass in the ocean to sink and get eaten by sharks. Also trust me, if I were my boss, by now I would have fired my ass already; based on my difficulty with getting to work, so I needed to get there and show face.
As I entered the backroom, I noticed there was a new paper hanging on the wall near the entrance into the restaurant area. The paper which was a sign and said RULES AS OF FEBRUARY 2011. Then it listed a bunch of rules, some which were really ridiculous like “No drinks by the cash register.” I can only assume someone spilled on the money.
As I looked a
t this sign, my head exploded thinking about all the fucked-up foster care rules that exist…Let me share some of them with you and feel free to comment or share ones that you know or experienced. Please remember, foster care is STATE-BASED, so states have difference rules…. I am sharing my dumb-ass state rules or those I heard over and over again on the streets from aged-out kids.
Not in any order of importance…
Stupid Rule #1 — 15/22 know what that means?
It did not apply to me, because TPR in my case occurred quickly under “aggravated circumstances.” But this 15/22 means that a kid has to be in foster care for 15 consecutive months out of 22 before TPR proceedings can begin. So, a kid has to sit in foster care for over a year… while the bioparents could be doing nothing. 15 months is a long time to sit in foster care while the bioparents are not working their case-plan, not doing anything to reunite. How fair is that to the kid?
Don’t you think if a parent really wants their kid back,
they would be doing something ASAP?
This rule screws the kids. Makes them sit and wait….and the longer a kick lingers in foster care, the more their chance of getting adopted slips away because they get old and hardened by the system.
I once read 
that it takes adults 2 years to finish substance abuse treatment and get themselves together. If that statistic is truthful and bioparents do not start working on their case plans until 8-9 months, a child could sit for 3 years before getting reunited IF the bios finish treatment.
The rule should be more like “Parents must start working their case plan within 3 months. If they CHOOSE not to do so, TPR proceedings will begin.” And then some additional words about the number of times bioparents can drop out and come back before TPR happens. Why should the kids sit and linger when the bioparents are out “playing,” running away, and not taking responsibility?
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Stupid Rule #2 — No haircut.
Are you kidding me? This is state-based, but where I was in foster care, haircuts had to be approved by the bioparents or workers.
Don’t you think the bioparents have more problems to worry about?
Fucking hair grows back.
I think the system considers it “changing your identity.” Folks, if my hair was wrapped up in my identity, I would have committed suicide by now, as my hair is always messy.
Kids want to be cool like everyone else. So if the neighborhood has mohawks, so should the foster kid. Ever get gum in your hair? If it is real bad, a haircut would save it.
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Stupid Rule #3 — Foster kids sit in the back of the car.
Am I a crim
inal? Am I? I fucking hated everytime I was moved or transported and was “forced” to sit in the back of the county gray or white car, with the BIG state seal on it. Comon? I understand the safety of young children, but do you have any idea what it feels like sitting back there scared and ALONE? By the time I was a teen being transported, I felt like a criminal sitting alone in silence in the back. Put the kids up front with the workers. And if the kids are too young, bring another worker along to sit in the back, so the kid is not alone. It’s bad enough feeling all alone and scared, but sitting in the back in silence separated by a big seat makes it all worse.
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Stupid Rule #4 — Giving states money for kids that get adopted
.
It corrupts the system. Period. Give money PER FOSTER CHILD in the system, irregardless of what happens to the child. All children deserve the best treatment and goals. Offering money for those adopted encourages the system to focus more strongly on those that are “adoptable” — younger, whiter, no problems, etc.
ALL KIDS should get equal focus.
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Stupid Rule #5 — No driving.
In some states, youth in foster care are not allowed to get a driver’ license. In other states, the decision rests with so many different people; bioparents (sometimes), foster parents, case managers, or county directors that it takes forever to get a license.
In many c
ases, foster parents don’t want to sign off or social workers do not have authority to sign for foster youth or the department won’t authorize a teen to drive. In any circumstance, there is ALOT of red tape.
Furthermore, to drive, teens need insurance. If teens are not working, where does the money for insurance come from? — foster parents? the system? Ideally stipends should be given to cover the increase in foster parent insurance rates. Makes sense…huh?
I left care at 18 with NO license and did not get one until a couple years later, when I decided to get off living on the streets. If you expect us to be adults at 18, doesn’t one of those privileges include driving?
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Stupid Rule #6 — Some states do not allow single people, gay people, or those cohabiting to foster.
WTF? So, it is much better for kids to linger in group homes or hotels or shelters than in a fost
er home, because a potential foster parent is single or gay? Who the hell thought of this? Why? I would have been happy in any stable home, with someone who cared about me… Kids are looking for caring and understanding and love…and don’t usually care who is sleeping with who, as long as they (the kids) are not in danger. Additionally, don’t you think in some situations, these individuals might be ideal for children; for example, those children that have been abused by men or those children that may be gay/lesbian. Why are we excluding people? Why?
I just wanted a family…SOMEONE to love me.
I believe states, like Arkansas and Utah, don’t allow people to foster if they are cohabiting with a sexual partner outside marriage. So, like you can’t live with your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend and foster. Um, really? I bet you a million bucks that foster kids have seen and experienced a hell of alot worse than “people living in sin.” And again, is living in a group home or shelter or worse so much better for our psyche….
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Stupid Rule #7 — Foster parents can’t have pets.
OMG. Yes, t
his is true. No dogs. No cats. No pets. While it is possible that some (not the majority) of foster children are cruel to animals, the truth is that animals can provide ALOT of healing and connection for a child who is alone and scared.
The “liability” regarding injury is ridiculous… bike riding, playing ball, climbing a jungle gym or swinging….all have “liability.”
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Stupid Rule #8 — No trampolines.
I personally have never been on one, but I heard this on the streets from kids who were in foster care in the south, where I guess trampolines are *in*. Apparently even with the safety net, trampolines are not allowed. LOL, because I really don’t know what they are.. I knew one kid on the streets who was foster care in Texas who said they could have trampolines, but they were prohibited from doing somersaults — he said WTF, that is what kids do….. I’m from the city..we don’t have these things where I am from…
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Stupid Rule #9 — Required “case-loads” workers should have.
You read statistics that say caseworkers should only have 12 kids or 16 kids, but they have 25 kids or 32 kids. CRAP! Remove the numbers and focus on the kids. Most caseworkers can’t do a good job with alot of kids. Period. I’m stupid and I know this. Reduce the number and stop making rules about how many kids a worker should have. Some of the things number should depend on is: age of kids, long-term kids vs. reunification kids, kids with problems vs. kids without.
How can you make a rule like this? Stupid. Some kids simply need more attention. Fuck, it should be about the kids, not numbers. Hire more workers with all the dam money you are getting for getting kids adopted!
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Stupid Rule #10 — Access to foster care records.
FREE MY RECORDS!
Under social service laws, my records are considered confidential. That is 11 years of my life that I should get to keep for memories, to help piece my life together, or to fucking burn IF I WANT. In many states the records are confidential. Some states allow access, but it takes years.
With all the stupid rules that exist in foster care
you would think it would run like clockwork.
Yeah….
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: adoption, Foster Care, foster care rules, foster homes, foster kid, foster parents, gays, no driving, no haircut, no pets, rules.
1.
Crumble | February 18, 2011 at 2:30 am
I really like the first point you made. Kids ‘sit’ in the system for way too long. WAY too long. I like the idea of the parent having to start on the case plan in the first three months, and then having limits on how often the parent can go MIA before the child is permanently removed from their care. I understand your frustration with the hair cutting thing – but where I live it was necassary to put a ‘rule’ in place because in local Native American culture the hair is never to be cut, but foster parents were cutting the children’s hair regardless of cultural values. Some foster parents do it with the best intentions, but it was seen as the ‘white man’ trying to assimulate the Native.
Did you know a lot of women get hair cuts after they break up with someone, as a way of moving on? I know some foster children that felt ‘cleansed’ after they had a hair cut – like it gave them a new identity somehow.
I hope that one day real social reform takes place. Thanks for your insights.
2.
LK | February 18, 2011 at 7:39 am
LT
There are some very good reasons for some of the rules. It’s not as simple as saying, “if the parents want the kid back they’d be doing everything ASAP.” IN many cases they do, and the workers are just hell bent on terminating their rights anyway. And while in your case removal was justified, in many cases it is not. In many more cases the workers lie about the parents, they lie to the kids and they lie to the foster parents.
In my case, my wife was put through a psychological beat-down by a sadistic worker who got off on the power trip. She did everything that she was supposed to do, and even did more on her own. Now that we have a relationship with her son many years later, we found out all those years he was told that she wanted nothing to do with him. That wasn’t true for a single moment.
Re: Haircut. I know of a case where a Muslim woman lost her daughter. The foster mother took the kid in for a hair cut. That violated her religion.
Re: Records. If they handed all the records to all the kids, there would be so many lawsuits against them that they would no longer be able to sustain the beast.
3.
Crumble | February 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm
LK,
While I am sorry that you had a negative experience in the system, I do not think that Case Workers, for the most part, try to terminate rights right away. There has to be significant cause. It is funny, because almost ALL of the parents I worked with said that they did not do anything wrong, and that “it is all lies” – even if the parent was caught red-handed in an act! The denial is surreal.
It is possible that the Case Worker had a vendetta against your wife – but often the Case Workers change so frequently that even if one worker has a personal interest in terminating your wife’s rights, it is unlikely that it would have carried through the chain unnoticed. Moreover, a judge, who hears both sides, granted the termination of rights… So…
The system actually favors returning children to their families of origin. If this did not happen in your wife’s case, it is probably because there were several outstanding issues. Several. I have seen more children returned to scary homes than I have seen children not returned to parents who would provide an ‘acceptable’ home. And I use the word ‘acceptable’ lightly.
Again, I am not saying it doesn’t happen – Lord knows it does. But it is a very rare case. I am sorry if this situation was one of the very few in this category. But by and large, the biological parents rights outweigh the needs/best interests of the child.
I am glad that you now have a relationship with her son.
(I also totally acknowledge that the system is no place for a child – so it is horrible that the child had to go into care.)
4.
LK | February 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Crumble
I understand that you find the reality of the system hard to believe, but that which the nice social workers tell you in foster parent training is not always the case. There are good caseworkers and there are bad caseworkers. I’ve worked with both. There are good foster parents and bad foster parents, I’ve seen both, but according to them they’re all good. So whose to believe anything in such a system based on lies and misinformation.
And what makes you think that these people are doing a good job with the kids anyway?
5.
CherubMamma | February 18, 2011 at 8:23 am
Oh I agree I agree! There are so many messed up rules!!
Where I live I’m most upset by the background checks that are required by EVERYONE! Granted – I get it! Background checks are necessary for foster families. They are very, very important. However, foster kids, neighborhood kids and more have to submit to background checks if they hang around at my house and are over the age of 14. Foster kids should be allowed to act like regular kids and shouldn’t have to tell someone, “I’m sorry. You can’t come over to my house until you’ve passed a background check. I go to school with you every day and you’re my best friend – but I’ve got to make sure my agency likes you too.”
Anyone over 18 has to go through full FBI fingerprints if they want to stay overnight at my house. That means if my parents want to drive down the 1200 miles to visit me for a week, they have to fill out paperwork like they are moving in. No provisions if my sister just happens to be free and wants to tag along. No, she would have to stay at a hotel.
Then, once in my house I’m not allowed to treat a foster kid like a regular kid. If a foster kid spends a lot of time over at a next door neighbor’s house, I’m supposed to ask that friend’s family if they will subject themselves to a background check. This is so subjective. What is a “lot of time”? It’s all up to the agency. But it just does more to make the foster kids like prisoners and the foster parents like jailers that no one trusts.
I get that these rules were put into place because some stupid foster parents did some really horrible things. But it punishes everyone. The system is very broken.
6.
butterflysblog | February 18, 2011 at 8:44 am
Sweet LT – wow, these rules really are ridiculous. Especially your records!! WTF??? You’re not allowed your own records of your own fucking life??? That is such a self-serving rule for the state. Sweetie – I think you will need to get your law degree and fight this one personally, for yourself and all the other foster kids. Or, hire a lawyer, pro bono, (that means they will take your case for free), and fight this. Something to think about.
7.
michelle v | February 18, 2011 at 9:39 am
all of your points were well made
you would make the best advocate/lobbiest
have a fab time back at work
♥ michelle
8.
The Sleeper | February 18, 2011 at 9:44 am
Some of those I never heard of. Some of them are ridiculous. Some of them are about safety. They all are about protecting the backside of the “system.”
9.
caroline | February 18, 2011 at 9:48 am
I have a feeling that before #2 was a rule, a lot of foster kids were getting all their hair lopped off just for the ease of care by the foster parents.
My daughter had hair half way down her back and it was infested with lice when she came to live with me. Her first weeks with me were spent struggling with her to sit down for hours long nit-picking sessions. Believe me, I was tempted to get it all cut off but knew it would be traumatic for her. Perhaps many other fosters would not have been so patient, and therefore that rule was to protect the children.
I am sure that #7 has deterred a lot of good people from fostering. Most nurturing, caring people out there have pets, and as you mention, the pets can be a life saver for kids. I had my dog when my daughter came to live with me and when they bonded it added tremendously to her feeling of being “at home” here.
10.
mayraa | November 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm
When i was in foster care a few years ago my hair was extremely long . To my back actually . My foster mom my did everything she could before sending me to cut my hair on my weekly visit with my mommy. Eventually the pests went away. She never asked if i wanted to though . i understand though that she did not want her own son or daughters to get infected but well .. i had a lot.
11.
attachment parent | February 18, 2011 at 10:02 am
That is a tremendous asset. You will get through many trials and tirbulations if you can force yourself to do what you have to do.
Foster parent rules are STUPID STUPID STUPID. here is one of the stupidist: foster kids have to have permission to spend the night out of the house and the home where they stay has to have a background check.
GET REAL.
Hi, little kamya wants to spend the night. Please get a background check for me, will ya?
Hang in there LT. You are really smart and I hope being a grown up works better for you than being a kid did.
12.
Kerryjo | February 18, 2011 at 10:06 am
How about no sleep-overs????
I hate that one the most. Do you know how many school age foster kids I have had that have been unable to do the sleep-over birthday party with thier friends!! I have to get bio-parent written permission or approval from the case manager.
13.
h | February 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm
ditto, ditto, ditto!
14.
zero21764 | February 18, 2011 at 11:16 am
In MI we really didnt have many rules other then if you ran away in a 10 day period you would be living in a locked residential. I knew I had no other place to go so that was out of the option. Other then that it was pretty much living with another family, live by there rules cause its there roof. What state is this??
15.
tikunolam | February 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm
We have a giant trampoline. Our little one loves it. Glad its been allowed.
We also have a cat. Thank goodness our state allows this as long as there is yearly proof of vaccinations.
My little one had a haircut. The damaged, matted from not being washed hair had to be trimmed off. I didn’t ask permission. Sue me.
15/22 is especially problematic for the under 3 crowd which is why some states, like Mississippi, has a 6 month rule for that age group.Unfortunately, we are stuck with needing to wait for our little girl to have been abandoned for 8 more months, you know, just to be sure the first 7 months mom’s been gone wasn’t a clear indicator of her complete lack of commitment to her baby who wouldn’t even know her anymore.
16.
Laurke | February 18, 2011 at 1:16 pm
I hear you. Several of those rules don’t apply in my state, but some do, and I agree that they aren’t the well-though-out rules.
17.
h | February 18, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Like many people have said the worst is the constant having the county sign off on friends etc…but I have great news about my county. They are finally allowing the FP’s to be prudent parents. I can decide to let the kid have free time and come home after school instead of sticking him in programs all the time so he has no me time, we can say yes to friend visits and dating without the county signing off. Also they are letting us keep some things unlock like shampoo/detergent – so the teens can actually learn how to do their own laundry before they age out! Here we are supposed to get them drivers licenses although there is no insurance for them so its up to the FP’s to make the decision to add them to their insurance policy. That sucks b/c the state does have low income policies and they should expand those to FC’s.
Hair cut is stupid – its a control thing with bio parents and they need to stop catering to them.
Records is huge because everybody can hide behind confidentiality and there is no accountability.
15/22 – if they would only stick with it and not keep extending it for bios or offering guardianship where bios can continue to manipulate … I swear we treat our animals better. No one beats a dog and then gets the dog back – WHY IS IT SO MANY TIMES BIOS ARE NEVER PROSECUTED FOR THE ABUSE?
Required case loads – private agencies in my state cant have more than 12 although the county worker has more like 80.
Another big one you missed is changing it so that the FP’s who know the most about their FC’s actually have a voice. We are not allowed in court where I am. We send notes/forms to our the agency SW, who then sends a report to the county sw, the gal and therapists will write one, and then the judge makes the decision. The judge who has spent no time with the child…its all backwards that the more you know about a kid the less you have a say in what happens to the kid.
6,7,8 are just dumb rules…that block many people from fostering. Along those lines increase the stipend I know so many states pay jack, yes I agree Fp’s should prove that they spend it on the kid, but many people cant afford to foster in some states that pay so low and also will not cover daycare expenses. If you are an FC then your daycare should be covered to any state licensed daycare.
18.
Grace | February 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm
LT- I love reading your blog.
Thank you for all of your fix the system entries as well as the personal entries.
Once I am financially stable & finished with school, I’m planning on being a foster and/or adoptive parent. I will hold onto everything of yours that I’ve read and hopefully it will help me to be a better parent.
Also, thanks to you (I had never heard of the position before), I just filled out an application to be a CASA. I can’t wait to start!!
How are things going with KC?
Thank you for sharing with us.
Lots of love from NYC<3
19.
Erin | February 18, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Those rules are definitely dumb. Kind of like the tag that came on my sister-in-law’s baby stroller: “do not close stroller with child inside.” Seriously? Who does these things? Sigh.
I’m glad you made it back to work. Hope you’re starting to feel better. Hugs!
20.
Ebony Downing | February 19, 2011 at 2:43 pm
I’ve always wondered what was in my records, which stopped me from getting adopted. You just gave me something to start working on. I’m going to search more into it. I’ll spread the love as time goes on. Thanks.
I’ll like to add Rule #12:
You can go anywhere, and do anything you want, just as long as you report back after 48 hours or you will be considered AWOL and if that happens we don’t get paid for you, unless you sleep in the bed.
Rule #13
You only get $20 dollars a month for personnel hygiene. So you need to make the best with it. (You better have good hair, or know how to do hair)
21.
idontwanttomiss | February 27, 2011 at 9:13 pm
LT –
I’ve read many of your blogs. I absolutely am impressed by your honesty and courage. As a social worker / therapist so often I meet young adults who stop voicing what they are going through – their thoughts, challenges, and dreams. Your writing is great reminder of so much that is wrong in “the system” of foster care and child protection…. yet is also a challenge of what needs to change. You have a strong voice that I hope you continue using. I’m new to blogging but glad that I came upon yours.
22.
Arkansas | June 6, 2011 at 5:34 pm
“I believe states, like Arkansas and Utah, don’t allow people to foster if they are cohabiting with a sexual partner outside marriage.”
I don’t know about Utah, but you are correct about Arkansas. I agree 100% with what you have to say about this. It is embarrassing to say I live in a state that voted this in. However, I believe the state Supreme Court is in the process of over-turning it as unconstitutional to have ever been on the ballot in the first place.
23.
Arkansas | June 6, 2011 at 5:40 pm
oh, and YOU ARE NOT STUPID! Formal education or not, you are an excellent writer, as evidenced by your blog following! Keep growing and healing. You are loved and you are capable of great things.
24.
frustratedfostermom | June 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm
I’m totally frustrated right now with the haircut rule! I think it’s totally ridiculous that my 2 year old foster boy has to be made fun of at daycare (being called a girl by the older kids), gets his hair all messy/matted and junk filled because he is a two year old and he is a boy! It’s getting so long and in his face. The case worker gave me permission to cut his bangs because it was becoming a safety issue. Now the bio mom has decided that she doesn’t like him with bangs, so now I have been told not to cut his bangs anymore. His hair is so pretty, any girl would die for it. But a little boy should be a little boy and not have to worry about taking care of his long curly blonde hair! And it’s not a first haircut for him. His hair was cut by bio parents before he entered the system. Ugh.
25.
Jp Merzetti | December 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm
hoo! lemme tell ya sweetie….hair don’t make the gender.
If I was you, I’d tie it or wrap it (Indian style) until long enough for a pirate tie-back. a little creativity?……….
A boy can’t have gorgeous hair? really?
That’s because he’s a male of course, and lord forbid – that child has to grow up resembling a corporate suit or even better – a five star general !
Have a little look sometime at how many fine figures of macho manhood (who happen to play professional sport) have long locks.
same old bs………lets reduce down to 3 things, what boys can do and what they’re made for……….while increasing a girl’s probablities a hundredfold. (not a matter of settling old scores, dearies…) it’s a matter of raising good human beings for the trying times ahead.
26.
Foster Mom in Training | July 5, 2011 at 11:39 pm
I agree with your assessment of the rules, LT. The 15/22 law is frustrating. Knowing that the bioparent can get on, fall off, get back on and fall off of the wagon, repeatedly, is hard for the children. I also agree that “nontraditional” families should be allowed to foster and adopt. We have a great same-sex couple in our foster classes. They have already received a placement. The are great parents.
Have you ever considered advocating for foster children’s rights in the future? You have a strong story. You’ve lived through the system. You are already making a difference in the lives of children in the foster system. I would love for law makers to hear your voice.
27.
Foster mom | July 23, 2011 at 7:35 pm
The background checks are some of the ones that effect us the most, as we take teenage boys. Thankfully, “occasional” sleepovers at MY house are okay. But for them to go anywhere else overnight-OMG what a fraking nightmare. Even when they are 18. But that actually varies by the office the kids are from. One of my boys’ workers required background checks of everyone over 16 in the house if he went to sleepover even AFTER he was 18 and in voluntary (here a kid can stay in care until I think 23 as long as they are in school FT). My other 18 year old, now that he is 18, all I have to do is say it is okay. Different office, different workers, different rules. Oh, and my now 20 year old who was fine to sleep here when he was a foster child at 19, and able to share a room with another foster child cannot spend the night now without a background check and then he cannot share a room with a foster child (not even my 18 year old) WTF!?
The driving is another one that we have trouble with. We cannot afford to add the boys to our insurance. But we want them to at least take the classes through a driving school. One good thing about here is the state will pay for 1/2 of driver’s ed but not for extra road time.
Thankfully, we can have pets. We just have to provide proof of rabies shots. We actually foster animals as well and the boys seem to like that they have something in common with them-all in limbo.
Another annoying rule here is getting permission to travel out of state. If the state doesn’t say okay, the kid has to go to respite. Even if we want to take them we can’t.
Foster care isn’t a place to grow up. We try to be a permanent home for the boys. Unfortunately, some don’t know what to do with a stable home.
28.
Jp Merzetti | December 10, 2011 at 1:43 pm
wow.
So much of what you’re describing resembles what the whole civil rights movement waged war over in the mid-sixties. We make fun of the caste system in India – yet here it is alive and well.
Move over, Oliver Twist, and give Les Miserables the news.
I don’t know how you put up with it – it would drive me crazy. It’s like muzzle dog walkers. ‘scuse me fido, I know your nose was made for sniffing….but we’re gonna muzzle that away from ya now for the sake of public liability, and all……..
If kids are “saved” (from whatever) by fostering, then just exactly how is their salvation supposed to make them feel equal (under the law, remember?) to any other “lucky” child who is also no more or less parented……but somehow – that’s the real cheese, while a foster is just a burger slice?
Foster mom, I’d say you have the patience of a saint, bless you.
I couldn’t do it. It would be world war 13 and counting, every single day. (but then, I highly doubt I’d pass the initiation, anyhow.)
29.
foster single mom | May 8, 2012 at 11:30 am
what state do you live in? are you a single foster mom? I am applying to be one. any advice help much appreciated. I am fostering in texas. Thanks for sharing!
30.
Missy | August 17, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Thank goodness the no-pets rule doesn’t happen in our state. Our foster son LOVES his kitty.
Some of the rules I “get” but I don’t particularly like either. For instance, bio relatives get “first dibs.” It’s frustrating that you can be there in sickness, in health, for better, for worse, and do everything you can for a child for over a year. And then some relative says, “Well, I don’t really WANT another child right now, but I might take him anyways.” Gee, the family sentiment is commendable, but it kills me that we might have to give up our little boy to someone who doesn’t really want him.
31.
sassymisstallulah | August 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Hi,
I came across your blog while looking up the 15 out of 22 law for a class I am taking. I am studying to work in the juvenile court system. I read your page and wanted you to know I heard you….
32.
cvarner | September 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm
I am a foster parent and I agree with the fact that the system is messed up. Bio parents should start working on their cases within the first few months or lose the opportunity. I believe in forgivness, but I believe that parents are given too many chances while their children have to suffer in the wait for them to decide to be parents. There are too many children and not enough foster homes to help. If we hold the bio parents hands forever then they are just going to keep on with the same behavior. In our time fostering, the county we live in does and offers every chance and lending hand to start fresh. It’s up to the parent to help themselves. As a foster mom, I wish I could take more children. I have found that foster parents can be the voice for these children. Step up and do it. Be there in staffings, in court, in any place that you can be heard. These children need you. In most cases, they sure as hell can’t depend on their own parents to step up. My prayers are with every child. And for the writer of this, you have found your voice, keep talking. You have lived it and you can help others! I wish you all the best!
33.
Jp Merzetti | December 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm
cvarner,
Go to any good fight cps forum, and you’ll discover the stories of thousands of decent parents fighting to get their kids the hell out of foster and back home again. Contrary to Walt Disney Presents American propaganda…..they’re not all deadbeats, monsters and incompetents. Not since the Child Industrial Complex showed up, “processing” child raw material for fun and profit. Check out how middle, and lower class people are bankrupting themselves silly trying to jump through Kangaroo Court’s silly circus hoops – $10,000 Guardian ad Litem fees, $200 stupid “parenting” classes (which many of them could teach) multiple McPsyche evals (would you like fries with that?) etc ad nauseum…..all for whatever assets you have, and more. Once you’re bled dry, you’re terminated. Anyone who has never been through this has any idea what it’s like – but try this for size….your most precious offspring has just been walked up to by a stranger and in front of your very naive eyes, a bullet is put into that child’s brain. Nice, um?
TRP is essentially the death of your child (to you) – though they’re not actually dead.
Imagine being buried alive……………………….only you don’t die for lack of air in a casket (sweet mercy) you die by one cut to the heart, with every beat – for the rest of your life.
I guess I could say um, people really need to know this? I’m not surprised that they don’t though. It doesn’t really serve or fit into the sanitized bite-sized scrumdeleicious creamy dreamy wonder at our own selves, and how we couldn’t possibly mean any harm to the poor dears. We’re so very, very family-friendly. Just like Mein Fuehrer was. Something to think about.
34.
Karen | April 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm
My kids kids are in Foster care, and the only reason they wont give me my kids back is because of 7 yrs of. Alligations made on me, its always the same alligations, open closed case! I don’t wanna sit around Ans wait for that knock on the door for them to tell me that one of my kid’s have been killed or hurt! It wouldn’t happpen if they were with me! It’s were they are safer! My kids are begging me to come home! Why can’t they listen to my kids? They don’t care about me or what happens to my kids! I’ve done everything, and been very compliant! I’m not on drugs, I’m not abusive! Why wont they give my children back?
35.
sam | September 28, 2011 at 6:26 pm
everthing that you said was soo stru and this will help me with me research paper soo much but if u have ever done one, the teachers are so picky so i need to know your name to use your information, but its also the correct way to do a paper
so if you could let pe know please
36.
Shocked | November 9, 2011 at 9:43 am
I just saw this forum, Bio mom terminates writes we signed all the paper work to go forward with adopting four sisters, they are all excited, the oldest is unsure what she wants until she talks to Pals coordinator , BUT she wants to stay with us regardless. The case worker Vince Kanak from Hurst TX is forcing the 16 yr old to be adopted. Is this legal? The case worker then emails the therapist who stated she thinks the oldest should decide for herself, so the case worker decides to email her a nasty letter stating she is unethical and can not believe she does not want kids to be adopted, SHE NEVER SAID SHE DOES NOT WANT KIDS ADOPTED! So the case worker decides ” ill show you who he boss is ! He is pulling all four girls 11-9-11 and the girls are devastated, who speaks for the girls because our agency SAFY sure is not doing much?? manny@casperphotography.com
37.
Tori | December 7, 2011 at 10:47 pm
I have a question but I can’t find a answer anywhere on here.. A friend of mine has two children in Foster Care and the Foster Mother is single.. The kids have told their mother that her boyfriend stays the night…Is this allowed and if not can you point me in the right direction to prove it??
Thanks in advance.
T
38.
Ketsy | February 29, 2012 at 8:31 am
In the state of Ny… You can have overnight visitors once in a while, like relatives from out of town, kids sleep overs and so one. Once a person has extended interaction with a child- boyfriend, girlfriend, they must have a background check, fingerprints and must be checked through cps to see if they had any form of child abuse or endangerment charges.
39.
Jp Merzetti | December 10, 2011 at 1:00 pm
Well, another way of infantalizing the youth of the nation. You guys don’t want to hear about the legions of 14, 15 and 16 year-olds who had all the freedom in the world to entirely run their own lives….35-40 years ago. I recall a distinct disinterest in the adult population at that time – to control them in any way. We were smart enough then to know that the state hadn’t a clue how to “parent” a kid – so they didn’t bother – except with residential schools for Native kidnappees.
More often than not a kid is punished for winding up in foster in the first place – then punished a whole lot more after arriving. The point is…far too many (with too much power over kids) don’t give a ruddy shit about kids at all – never did, never will. Says an awful lot about the foster system, and foster “parents” that a kid ages out of the money jackpot. Nice way to tell them that’s all they’re worth.
Strange – when I was 18 (a long time ago) most of the 18 year-olds I knew would have blessed the day they could escape family ties. But that was a different world….and there have to be family ties in the first place to want to get away from.
40.
peter | December 13, 2011 at 12:52 am
im a foster carer in australia..i really dont know what is wrong with the law makers in the states.over here any one as long as their record is clean can foster once they are 18:gay,single,defacto..dont matter.im in a defacto realtionship,have trampoline and also have 11 dogs,40 cats and 13horses. Also in australia all of the records are kept and passed on to the foster child once they are 18.
41.
Ketsy | February 29, 2012 at 8:50 am
That’s awesome. I’m a “resource parent” here in the state of N Y. Here, sexual orientation, marital status and personal relationship doesn’t matter. You can be single, gay, living with your significant other… Whatever. As long as you are 21, have space for them, can pay your bills without a stipend, clean background, no communicable diseases, and you and your pets have shots/medical up to date. Becoming a foster parent was tedious. 10 weeks of training, background check this, home inspection that, run here, run there, do this, do that. You can do this, you need to do that… But the moment you ask a caseplanner a question, nobody knows anything. Its very frustrating, but at the same time… I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for my children- yes, that’s right… My children… in my home, yout are my child. No better or worse. If you are returned to you bps, that’s ok… But in my home and heart is yours while you are here and even after you’ve gone.
42.
Erica | May 21, 2012 at 12:54 am
I wish I had had more FP like you. Mine sucked, and that is putting it lightly.
43.
Living Day by Day | December 23, 2011 at 11:31 am
As a single parent in the state of SC I am happy to say they don’t have a rule about fostering!! So far I have been mommy to 42 wonderful young ones! I am not sure about the gay/lesbian/ single male route. I have a feeling they probably have a problem here getting licensed.
44.
new foster mom | January 24, 2012 at 10:13 pm
I agree. I am a foster parent. My husband and I have the coolest kid and I live in fear that they will give him back to his mom. He has THE BEST life now. His mom is showing up for visits now after no sign of her for 7 months(they won’t tell me if she started rehab) and the soc worker says that enough for her to get him back. I don’t know how I’ll deal with wondering if she’s hurting him again or if he’s hungry. Also my bio son loves him and thinks he’s his brother. He loves our family. There are cases where it’s best for kids to be w/their bio parents but not this one. knowing what i know, we should be able to adopt him now.
45.
Silverflamerider | May 21, 2012 at 1:00 am
You have no right. He loves your family because he lost his. You said yourself you have little to no information and yet you state that you should be able to adopt this little boy after seven months? Do you know the hoops they make parents run through? You can’t treat these kids like lost puppies. We have and had families before you ever came into our lives. You should honor his mother. If it wasn’t for her you would have no foster son. You are a temporary place for him to take shelter until his parents can love him the way he needs to be loved, you are not his home. One day you will get tired, he will get bigger and angrier, feeling increasingly lost in this world without a connection to a family. And you will send him back and fuck over his whole world. When you are done you will say, well his family was fucked up they ruined him before we could save his poor soul, he’s unlovable now. Ugh.. sick.
46.
misty | February 4, 2012 at 2:10 am
My heart goes out to you, i pray many blessings would come your way. I’m a Foster parent since age 23.I’m now 35 , me and my husband .We didn’t get any children for a long time I think the DVDs workers felt we were too young. We had a couple babies which never stayed long an 5 year old girl we almost got to adopt and I’m grieving that loss. They say big need yet we rarely are called on. We are stable kind people with a lot to offer.I’m thinking of checking into group homes after reading your message. I hope my response is okay with you. I just want to be here for a child who needs someone , and I’m a believer ,a commandment tells us to care for the orphans and widows.I’m amazed how a some react to this its easier for them to understand how one could be a pet lover. COME ON PEOPLE! Theystill seem confused when I explain children are so much more valuable than pets .I don’t get why anyone should not love to help a child. Thinking of you wishing you comfort. Have you ever heard the song HE IS CONCERNED ABOUT YOU. CC Wynnon. I believe is the lady that sings that. Ill pray for you. Thinking of that song and you brings tears to my eyes. I hope you can hear that ,and know Christ cares…..
47.
Chanson | February 6, 2012 at 7:40 pm
My husband and I are just beginning the process to be foster parents and we are in Missouri. we have 4 dogs which are 3 labs and a boxer. My daughter also has 3 cats which live in her room which is a very large rec room similair to an apartment. Does anyone know what missouri guidelines regarding pets are?
48.
Kasha | February 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm
In Missouri you just have to show proof of vaccinations for your pets. Background checks typically only go back 7-10 years, so don’t mention it and it probably won’t come up. We have been Missouri foster parents for 4 years and it certainly has it’s ups and downs, but good foster parents are really needed for the kids.
49.
Chanson | February 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Another question is for a couple i know that would also like to be foster parents. One of them got mixed up with the wrong crowd when they were younger and got caught with marijuana and recieved a msd. charge and only ended up with a fine. This was 21 years ago will this get them denied as foster parents in Missouri?
50.
Ketsy | February 29, 2012 at 8:57 am
They only go back 10 years, in anycase, as long as they are upfront about it, it should be fine. They do consider time since the incident. Major violent crimes are the disqualifiers. Rape, muder, child abuse, armed robbery… Those serious felonies are the problem.
51.
Mary | February 23, 2012 at 11:52 am
I get the whole hair cutting and lice infestation thing. I have had my little ones for a few years now, my SW used to call me after every visit and tell me that ” mom says” the girls had lice? I would check and sure thing they had it. After so many times I would have the school nurse check them right before the visit, she would give me a note stating that all children had no lice. She was putting lice on the kids every week….. sick.
Also mom went MIA about two years ago, we don’t know how many dads are involved or how to find them, but they still EACH have a lawyer that tax payers pay for, but my kids only have the GAL office and my big mouth speaking up for them.
“Broken System” hardly describes this mess we are in.
God bless every one and keep writing. It helps me know that is not just me.
52.
kyle norris | March 2, 2012 at 8:43 am
why cant gay people foster kids? they have rights too.
53.
Tee | March 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm
The reason I have my foster son sit in the back of the car is because there are airbags in the front seat. It clearly states that kids 12 and under need to sit in the backseat.
I agree with a lot of the complaints. I think parents are given subsidies because it opens the doors to more foster parents adopting and being able to afford it whereas they might not otherwise.
I think a lot of the rules are crazy too like foster kids not getting to spend the night at a friend’s house without permission, no trampolines, etc. Alot of this is to protect the child in foster care. When a child is in the system, it is the State’s responsibility to protect this child. They are taking every measure possible to protect these kids who have already been abused.
54.
Rebecca | March 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm
Hey LT,
Would you be ok if I quoted you for a research paper I’m writing about foster care? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.
55.
Ms. Gaspard | March 18, 2012 at 4:10 am
I have children i foster care and they are in different homes, one of the foster homes has a pet , I was told by the foster mother and also the case planner that there was dog in the home, there’s more to this story. But anyway, I live in NYC does the NO “PETS” rule apply in the state of NY? Also, when was this page last updated?
56.
Ms. Gaspard | March 18, 2012 at 4:28 am
I agree with the rule about the D.L. I think that it has more to do with liablity reasons. Like if the foster child has and accident then the agency is responable for the child, and the biological mother can sue CPS or the aggency or the state. If my child where hurt in any way and the agency did not ask me if I thought is was o.k for my child to obtian a drivers licence I would most likly sue the shit out of them.
And maybe that’s moreso because that (they) the agency and ACS has done so much worng by my children and myself. I mean like one of my childrens leg being broken while in care with no explaination!
It probaily has to also, do with that the state dose not want to pay for the childs insureance.
57.
Ms. Gaspard | March 18, 2012 at 5:15 am
I don’t have a comment but rather a Question: what is ”Trampolines”?
58.
Ms. Gaspard | March 18, 2012 at 5:38 am
#1 you are not stupid and don’t think that of yourself. And 2 i think that these agencies just take kids for the money they will make for the state. You should know its a bussiness it’s not about the children but the money!
59.
angela | March 24, 2012 at 2:25 am
Wow powerful message…
60.
angela | March 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Wow are system is really messes up something needs to be done I was in the system myself and its not fun at all I’m traumintize by them.
61.
Jemma | March 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Thats totally bad….. I am 11 and in foster care (in england) and fucking those rules are harsh and stupid!!! Over here we are allowed pets and trampolines but apparently I am too young to walk to a school that is really not that far away so I have to go in a stupid taxi everyday. You have all these things about being healthy and not driving too much but everyday social are sticking kids who are not fucking 2 yr olds in cabs!!! Why should foster carers have to treat you differently from your parents???? And another fucking police checks just to have a sleepover!!! How mean!! Why should people have to be married to foster? There is nothing wrong with gays, Lesbians and bi’s they are just like anyone else except they like different people. It is just sick discrimination.
62.
GRANDMA Tammy | March 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY.
WHY DON’T THE CHILDREN LIVE WITH THE GRANDPARENTS.
Your so right..and I am so sorry what happen.
I am a grandmother who got the phone call to pick up my grandson. because his parents was on drugs. I thank GOD each day. the police called me and not some damn foster care worker.
I paid $14000.00 for my grandson in probate..F family court. thats bullshit. the grandparents in up paying for the parents lawyer..WTH..thats wrong..So I made sure my grandson case I was paying for was in PROBATE.
GRANDPARENTS OPEN YOUR EYES..DO YOU WANT YOUR BLOOD LIVING IN FOSTER CARE. REALLY.
STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING..WE ARE BLOOD NOT THE CARE WORKER.
Everything this kid said is true and then some.
I have heard of girls being put in a home and RAPED AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 3..Really. and BOYS too..OPEN YOUR EYES GRANDPARENTS this is the life you want your grandchildren to live???
THINK THE NEXT TIME YOU SMELL SOMETHING FUNNY AND YOU SEEN YOUR GRAND-CHILDREN ..AND YOU TURN AND WALK AWAY..WHERE THE CHILD IS GOING TO LIVE..not WITH YOU…if you don’t FIGHT FOR THEM..
I help grandparnets KEEP Little Grand CHILDREN out of foster care..OPEN YOUR EYES>.IT WORKS>
I do say..thank you for sharing this..BLESS YOU>
WALK WITH ANGELS>>WE ALL LOVE YOU
63.
Julie | April 20, 2012 at 10:51 am
I was just google and trying to find a voice for foster homes to speak in Michigan and there really isnt and it is so true with some of these rules… It is one of the hardest jobs I have ever done and so unrewarding/
64.
Marie | April 26, 2012 at 11:13 am
I started working on my case the day after my daughter was taken from me. She was initially taken from me because my place was messy after I moved. Then the case worker added obvious lies to the charges but because she was a government worker everything she said was taken as fact without any proof whatsoever. For example, the worker said I ‘admitted to having blackouts where I go into a rage and beat myself in front of my child and do not remember doing it.’ Well, if someone did not remember doing something then how could he/she admit to doing it?? That is just one example of the many lies in the report. I had not told this worker anything of the sort. My daughter even started telling everyone I had been falsely accused. They retaliated against me saying I had been coaching her. She was 14/15 years old. I couldn’t even get her to clean her room when she was living with me. How could I have ever coached her??
My court appointed attorney stipulated me to the charges even while I was objecting to them. I wanted a trial. The judge just smirked at me and says that I couldn’t object because I had stipulated. I was denied a trial. I was deemed guilty of things I had never done. The judge stated that she did not care whether it happened or not and even said she did not care about my constitutional rights. I even had evidence at the time that proved the case worker was lying but was never allowed to enter it since I was not allowed to have a trial. And over the past year they have added more allegations to the record that I am not allowed to dispute.
They even gave me a brother in the documents that I never had. I said when I first read them that I did not have a brother by that name, but it was never taken out. Maybe some day I will meet this fictitious brother? And the case worker said I suffered from “delusions” but she repeatedly for over a year mentions the same nonexistant brother? Who is the delusional one? Perhaps she is projecting a bit there? It is almost humorous if someone wasn’t being hurt by this lunatic. In this case a few different people were hurt by this worker’s lies.
I have never been a druggie. I was never a boozer. I was a respected long-time student at the local university. I was close to having my master’s degree in criminal justice. Now, my master’s degree will be worthless. No government agency will ever hire someone with my ‘record’. I am over $130k in student loan debt and can never pay it back. I’ll be lucky to get a job flipping burgers.
I later learned from my daughter that the case worker, lawyer, and judge were all facebook buddies. And she showed it to me.
I complied with everything on my case plan. While I was working on my case plan, they were badmouthing me to my child in foster care and telling her that I was not even trying to get her back. I started making my daughter perfectly aware that I was doing the case plan so that she would know I was fighting for her and they were lying. They retaliated against me for doing so. Later my visits with her were terminated altogether based upon more lies they concocted against both me and my daughter. Some of the lies were obvious. For example, they said that my daughter was failing school because of her visits with me. At the time of this testimony, my daughter had all A’s and B’s in her classes. And they knew it was a lie when they did it. At the next hearing they submitted her real grades going on about how her grades improved because visitation was terminated. Her grades actually went down after visitation was terminated because she was so depressed about it.
The case worker admitted at the court hearing that I complied with the case plan but then stated, “but we feel that she only did it to get her daughter back and has not learned her lesson.” The judge even acknowledged that I followed the case plan, but then stated that it was not good enough.
And there was obvious gender bias with the case. My ex-husband was allowed to badmouth me to my girl for over a year, in front of the workers, in facebook messages, and no one cared or acknowledged it. My daughter asked me a question during one supervised visit about something that he had told her and I answered her question. That was taken as “emotional abuse” and “disparaging her father” and further grounds to terminate visitation. It was not even disparaging her father since they didn’t think the subject matter was a big deal in the first place. They were just fishing for things to use against me. But he disparaged me in every contact he had with her, and upset her greatly by it, but no one ever thought he did anything wrong. He ended up with my daughter who he had not even visited with since she was a baby.
Most parents start working to get their kids back right away. The workers lie and say they aren’t. Even in cases such as mine where the parents meet all of the demands, they will find any reason, even if they make it up, to keep the parents from getting their children back.
And in the issue of substance abuse, people usually use the substances to cover up whatever pain they are feeling. Do you have any comprehension of how traumatic it is to have your children taken from you? So the addicts are placed in a situation where they have a huge trauma heaped on them and addicts tend to turn to substances even more to deal with trauma. The addicts need help and compassion but instead receive judgment and scorn. There are better ways to deal with it then what is being done, but then the states wouldn’t receive as much money from the feds.
I have never used drugs. I have never turned to alcohol to deal with my problems. I have known others who did so. The ones who seemed to be best able to get over the addiction were the ones that learned to face what they were running from when they started using in the first place. They learned how to cope with it and future situations. They no longer ‘needed’ the crutch and was able to draw strength to move on. Most substance abuse therapists I have heard of just focused on not using instead of the deeper issues. The substance abuse is really a symptom of a deeper problem. They treat the symptoms instead of the true problem.
In my case, the case worker sent me to a therapist who immediately started trying to get me to go along with having my parental rights terminated. While the written goal was reunification, the oral goal was to send her to live with her father. The therapist I was sent to immediately started telling me how I didn’t deserve my child, going on about the things I had been accused of doing, telling me how I needed to accept that I will never get better, and was trying to browbeat me into walking away from my child. I stood up and walked out of her office instead. I was never going to walk away from my child. And I have always denied the charges made against me. I was just never allowed a trial to prove my innocence. It is a shame in this country that you are guilty without a chance to prove innocence.
One of the last times I saw my girl, she was crying because they wouldn’t let her come home. That image haunts me. That memory will haunt me forever. I lost my girl forever.
The truth never matters when dealing with these cases. The courts just rubberstamp the cases to move them along. Any parents who are innocent and try to fight are retaliated against. And most parents who comply with them never get their children back. I am just one case proof of many of this fact. They even acknowledged in my case that I complied.
65.
Stanley | May 5, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Up here in the Great White North we have two especially stupid rules regarding foster kids:
1) foster kid’s can never, ever be left home alone, no matter how old they are. This makes 100% sense for little kids… Not so much for older ones, like my 15 yr old foster son. It is *literally* illegal for me to leave him at home while I walk the dog, do a quick grocery run, etc.
2) foster kids need written permission *each* and *every* *time* they leave the province. In theory, this rule makes sense… in practice, not so much for me. I live in Ottawa, Ontario and Gatineau, Quebec is 600 m from my house (my house is 2 blocks from the interprovincial bridge). I work on the Quebec side. The convenience store with the best candy (sour gummy spiders from Couche Tard!!) is on the
quebec side. My bio daughters used to go to school on the Quebec side (well, until I threw my hands up in despair at being unable to get permission to send my foster son to the same school, which is all of 900 m from the house. Because the school is in QC!! I had my girls pulled from the school so all 3 of them could go to the *same* school on the Ontario side).
I’m all for safety and protection — god knows, foster kid’s have been through hell and deserve all the safety in the world — but I fail to see how banning my foster kid (and my bio kids, by default) from a great school *just* across the provincial border makes him (or anyone) safer. Or the dire consequences that would kick in should he and the girls make an unplanned (and therefore *unauthorized* and essentially
Illegal for him) run for sour gummy spiders !!!!!
66.
kat82 | May 28, 2012 at 4:35 pm
You forgot another stupid rule, if they red flag you, you cant adopt or foster children….
67.
Kathy | May 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm
I agree with you, because I am trying to raise my grandchildren and they are putting me through a ringer and the father of two of them is getting more chance then anyone I know. I have had the kids for two years and he has been in there life for a about one year. But I have been in there life since the day they were born. They system is very messed up.