Can you “parent” if you never had any real parents?
February 28, 2011 at 7:19 pm 26 comments
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After watching a family interact for most of the afternoon at the restaurant, I was amazed to watch the “parenting techniques” that the mother and father were using with the children. They were discussing plans for the weekend and although there was disagreement, it was contained by smart parenting moves… So, I began thinking….
Can you parent if you never had any parents?
…where do you learn?….
….don’t most people learn from their own parents as role models?
…and if not from their parents, at least from some relatives that love them?
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So, what do you do if you are someone like me? Someone who is among the 3.4% of the public who has no contact with any family member. Someone whose “parents” ranged from at best, short-term and temporary; to at worst, abusive and hateful.
What does someone like me do?
If I consider what I learned from “parents” in my life, this is what I come up with from my bioparents and lots of foster parents:
Lessons learned from Bioparents:
- be selfish
- be cruel
- lie
- use kids for your own pleasure
- don’t stick around
- kids are stupid and gullible
- you can sell kids or their bodies for anything you need; there is always a perv waiting for a kid
- you can make kids do anything if you scare them
- kids don’t need anything
- when kids get tough, beat the crap out of them
- its funny to watch kids hurt
Lessons learned from Foster parents:
- be selfish or be giving
- be cruel or be kind
- lie or be honest
- use kids for your own pleasure or give of yourself for the kids
- don’t stick around
- you can make kids do anything if you scare them
- they need the minimal
- when kids get tough, get rid of the kids
So based on what I learned from tons of parents, as a parent I should be a hate-filled, violent, inconsistent asswipe who doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone but myself.
Great. Another legacy for a child growing up in abuse and then in foster care… Imagine what i could pass down from what i have learned. See the cycle?
Were the positive placements I had enough? Enough to allow someone with so many other negative experiences to parent positively? Who knows….
what i do know…
i’d rather kill myself than parent based on the overall messages i have learned…
…
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: abuse, being a parent, feelings, Foster Care, foster kid, foster parents, kids, mom, no family, parenting skills, parents, role models, suicide.
1.
michelle v | February 28, 2011 at 7:33 pm
this is an important point
most of our parenting we learn by osmosis
but we can educate ourselves
to parent a different way than we were raised.
one of my girlfriends who was in a situation similar to yours growing up was throwing a baby shower with me for one of our girlfriends and she checked a book out of the library about how to do so
which blew me away — i had taken for granted the modelling of how to throw a baby shower, tupperware party etc from my mom and aunts. while it is something to mourn, you can learn it from non-relatives and books. in fact, the big sister program has a program for moms who need such a resource called mentoring moms.
keep bringing up these good points
the cycle only continues when people don’t recognize the dangers
you will do fine when the time comes
♥ michelle
2.
wannabe | February 28, 2011 at 7:37 pm
hmmmm thats a question i wonder about also – not for me, but for a friend.
Well, i think you know what NOT to do – don’t abuse kids, don’t use them, etc, like the opposite of what your bioparents did.
3.
H | February 28, 2011 at 7:47 pm
One positive that come from your past is unlike those who had normal childhood lets say could never fully imagine how damaging things can be. You will know and even when they are frustrating the hell out of you, you will still choose your words and actions wisely whereas a normal background person may say things they will regret and worst they may not think its a big deal and never apologize for it.
At least that is how I am choosing to see a positive in my less than stellar past.
4.
Shae | February 28, 2011 at 8:08 pm
Well, yes, part of what how parent is based off of what you’ve learned. So you’d parent knowing that it isn’t good to be cruel or to leave or to use your kids, because you’ve learned the hard way that these aren’t good ways to treat kids and people who are dependent on you. You know how the way your parents treated you made you feel, so you know that you don’t want others feeling that way.
It’s kind of like how you said that you told yourself that you wouldn’t lie to others, because you know the way it has made you feel.
Also, look at Moonlight, didn’t the vet even comment on how committed you were to her? You’ve tried your hardest to care for her, you even brought her to work with you. Heck, you’re a 1000000000000000000000 times better parent to your pet family that your bioparents were to you.
So its not that you’d copy your bioparents, its just that people take what worked or what didn’t work from thier childhood to try to raise their own kids.
Kind of like a treat others how you wished to be treated kind of thing.
5.
ellaine | February 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm
I think you know everything a child would need, dont you. just because you never lived it doesnt mean you cant. I think you would be a great foster parent you would have all the empathy and love.
6.
The Sleeper | February 28, 2011 at 8:37 pm
You broke the cycle by simply acknowledging your past role models, what they taught you, and that you don’t want to be that. LT, you take better care of Moonlight than most people take care of their children. You have all the tools to be a parent, but what you need is inner healing and peace. Learn to love yourself.
7.
ProfessionalMom | February 28, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Ditto what everyone else said. You are also a good mommy to Moonlight and your other pals. YOU KNOW what they need. No one needed to tell you how to love them. And the medical stuff – the details – you ASKED for help from vets who would know.
You are a thinking person first, LT….foster kid second.
8.
Fi | February 28, 2011 at 9:36 pm
I like the comment by ProfessionalMom. Some stuff is just instinctual. And you’re a thinker (who is not dependent on drugs, which clutters your thinking).
The mere fact you’ve asked the question, means you care enough to take steps to prevent it.
It’s something that concerns me, as I grew up with an abusive and neglectful mother. The truth is, that in times of great stress and frustration, if you feel at the end of your rope, you will react in ways you yourself were treated….Unless you have strategies to manage it. For example, I”m learning mindfullness techniques to assist with stress reduction, cos if I never get triggered, I will never cause harm. I’ve read heaps on love based parenting, the Beyond Consequences ones I have found particularly helpful.
Changing patterns like this takes understanding about feelings underneath the behaviours and knowing what alternatives there are, other than old fashioned punishment and wanting to control and dominate others. You know very well about feelings behind behaviours. And everyone can learn from books. And by the time you have kids, you will have trusted supporters.
The answer to all of life’s ‘problems’ is how to manage them, cos they never go away.
Facing oneself and all our imperfections helps with these cycles. I think for me also, the greater the distance (I’m old) between experiencing poor parenting and repeating it also helps.
Also, prostituting your children takes planning. It’s not reactive. It’s high stress reactive behaviours which will be likely the ‘problem’.
9.
Fi | February 28, 2011 at 10:53 pm
i was just thinking too…. you heard and saw that family at work: that’s learning too. You will remember that. The smallest of experiences CAN have the hugest impact.
10.
Lee | March 1, 2011 at 7:00 am
I think sometimes when we have experienced the worst, it can make us a better and more careful parent. I did not endure the horrors you did and my story is not anywhere near as complicated as yours. BUT I was raised by parents who I did not want to copy. For example, in my house if mom gets mad at you, she stops talking to you. For days. Even if you don’t know what you did wrong, she walks past you and won’t talk even if you are sitting at a table. There was other stuff too but that is a quick example. Trust me I am NOT that kind of parent; so a lot of my life lessons were along the lines of “Mom or Dad did this, I felt this way and I don’t want my kids to ever feel that way so I am going to try this.’ And reading reading reading. Blogs, books, internet articles, you name it.
11.
butterflysblog | March 1, 2011 at 7:11 am
Sweet LT – I think we know for sure that you would be a good, loving parent and role model for your children. You are already this way with your pets, and people who treat children like crap also tend to treat animals like crap. You already treat your pets well, and you will treat your children well as well. Some survivors of child abuse make a decision to never do anything the way their abusers did with them, and they have beautiful loving relationships with their children. You are that type of survivor, LT.
12.
Micky | March 1, 2011 at 7:56 am
I grew up with an abusive mother, now when I confronte her she says she never knew how to parent, but other to parent like she was, she was also neglected and abused, but I told her it was up to her to break the cicle and that is what I did. I don’t be the crap out my little one and I don’t belittle him or humillate him in public. So what I am trying to say is you can be and you will be a great mother because you don’t want you children to go thorugh waht you went through.
13.
Melissa | March 1, 2011 at 8:37 am
True that there are many who grow up with awful, twisted, abusive parents. BUT from this they learn what NOT to do and make a conscious effort to be the parent they never had…Although this is a form of “negative learning” it’s still valid and still effective in teaching us what we don’t want to do or be. And besides, deep down, I think we know ultimately how we are supposed to treat other people–it’s just that, unfortunately, a lot of folks ignore what they know deep down…
14.
Ann | March 1, 2011 at 9:19 am
“Good” parents can come from “bad” parents. and “good” parents can produce “bad” parents. It’s what we learn in life and how we think about the child that makes a good or bad parent.
But even if we are good or bad, we cannot always control how that child turned out or where they end up in life- for there’s a lot more to who you are than just your parents and their parenting style.
15.
tikunolam | March 1, 2011 at 10:59 am
If a person can take good care of themselves, love themselves, and have an ability to be patient, love and connect to others, those are the basics. There is no doubt that you have love, kindness, and compassion to give. Right now, you are focused on needing to parent you. Considering all that you have been through, you need to parent you and only you (well, and your four leg friends) for now. No one knows where you will go from here. Your growth is so evident even right here in the writings on your blog.
The “skills” that you are referring to can be taught and have been taught many, many times. A sharp cookie like you would learn them with relative ease.
16.
Loreley | March 1, 2011 at 11:34 am
I think you can learn a lot by being with children. People who have had a familiy, but were never around children also have a tough time learning how to deal with a small child.
Unfortunately, there are more and more people around who never had contact with children before they got their own. That’s a problem.
I personally have had psychotic episodes in my life and this makes me doubt if I could be good mother. What if they occur when I have children? How can my children deal with me in this state? How can I deal with my children?
Nevertheless, I love children and I am a lot around the children of my friends, play with them, bake with them, tell them stories, and go home when it starts to become tiring. Contact with children helps me a lot. They are open, and spontanous, and they tell you what they think and they enjoy the moment without giving a damn about the future. Actually, the children of one friend helped me heal from a psychotic episode. But the friend really struck a good balance between trusting me and not handing me too much responsibility (I mainly played with the children in the kid’s room, while she was also at home. Sometimes I took them to the park for an hour or two, but she never gave me more children than she thought I could handle, even if that meant that the one who was not allowed to come along would throw a tantrum).
Therefore, I am quite satisfied with the role of “auntie” or “Mary Poppins” or “Mrs Doubtfire” or whatever. I get the best of all worlds…
17.
Loreley | March 1, 2011 at 11:58 am
PS: I heard in a conference how they teach young mothers who have had a tough time in their lives the skills they need to be with their child, and it works really well.
They show them what their baby wants to tell them and how to interact with the baby and how to hug and kiss and be with the child. Actually, those trainers said that you do not need to teach a lot, because a lot is also in the mother, they just need to encourage it to come out.
In the same vain, I could well imagine that it would work to have someone “accompany” you while raising children.. Perhaps the most important thing is just to get help when you need help, for yourself or the child.
18.
Crumble | March 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm
I believe that you have the potential to be an amazing parent – because you are self aware, and can (and have) changed your circumstances, so you are NOT stuck in the cycle of abuse. I do agree with all the comments that give examples of how you are a good caregiver to your pets, and how you have the determination to live different way than you were shown. (No lies etc.). At the same time there is also a lot of truth in what Fi says – that you will need strategies to deal with things in stressful situations.
I really like what tikunolam and Loreley said. It is honest and true advice. While there is never a perfect time to have children, I believe one should wait until they are physcially, emotionally, mentally, spirtually, and financially ready to have children.
Some people argue that all children need is love – but a stable home (mentally, emotionally and financially) also contribute, in my opinion, to a child’s development.
Have you ever seen “About a Boy”? The Mom LOVES her child, but is suicidal. The little boy feels responcible for his Mom. That is not a fair burden to put on a child. Children are very sensitive to how their parents are feeling.
And it is also hard on a child when there is not enough money to sustain the family. It can cause a lot of anxiety in a child when they know that Mom/Dad can afford to get them food/shoes etc.
No one is going to be a perfect parent. Even if people wait until they are ‘ready’ for children, things happen(the economy crashes and people loose their jobs, etc). I think the difference is the motivation behind having children – do they want children for their own benefit? (My sister said she was having children because, “I just want to be loved.”. Her children are already getting diagnoses.) Or is someone having/adopting children because they know they can contribute to the best interests of this child?
I believe you fall in the 2nd group – that if you choose to have children it would be because you know that you could guide/nurture/love/support a child to become a sucessful adult. You are a very caring and insightful person, and an amazingly selfless caregiver. Just because you did not have ‘parents’ does not mean that you would not be a good parent youself.
19.
Erin | March 1, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Yes, the positive placements were enough. Because you realize what is healthy and what isn’t. You realize what behaviors are appropriate and what behaviors you should avoid. I’m not saying I think you should go get pregnant and start a family now, mostly because you already have enough going on, but someday, there is no doubt in my mind that you will make a fabulous mother.
20.
Becky | March 1, 2011 at 9:15 pm
First, LOVE your blog. I can’t thank you enough for all the raw emotions you share.
Second, wanted to share that just the thought that you are not sure if you would make a good parent, would make you a good parent. I am lucky to have a great mom, and good parent modeling shown to me. I still have to work at being a parent. Every new stage of development/age brings a new set of difficulties. I continue to have to learn how to parent my child. I consult books, the internet, her doctors and a group of mom friends. As some have mentioned, you have already started modeling good parenting with your animals. Learning is a life long process that you are very well equipped for.
21.
Hope | March 3, 2011 at 6:10 pm
well, even those of us who live with bio parents we all have things we learned that we would like to improve as a parent. You learned how NOT to treat your child the hard way, but you CAN learn from that and break the cycle. You are the only one who can make the decisions to love or harm your child. People who grow up in great homes don’t always turn out to be great parents.
22.
JoAnna Hale | July 4, 2011 at 3:19 am
I just found your blog a few days ago. I have been reading the whole thing (backwards) ever since.
I’m not sure you will see this, because its on an older post, but I wanted to make sure and tell you….
…. one of my best friends was struggling with this same thing before he and his wife had kids. Ultimately, his wife told him: What did you WANT/NEED your dad to be like? Be THAT dad, and you’ll be amazing! You know what? It worked!!!! He is an AWESOME dad to his 5 & 3 year old children.
23.
Foster Mom in Training | July 6, 2011 at 12:11 am
LT, surround yourself with positive people. Watch the families that seem like they have it together. You know what doesn’t work. Parenting, whether parenting a dog, cat or child, takes patience and practice. There’s a huge learning curve. When you’re ready, you will make a great parent. You’ve come through too much pain to pass that on to anyone else. You have a huge heart, LT. You have persevered through so much. Look how far you have come. Don’t give up, LT.
24.
Foster Mom in Training | July 6, 2011 at 12:13 am
By the way, you’re one heck of a pet parent!!!
25.
Bannef | March 2, 2012 at 9:26 pm
I have no idea if you read the old comments, but this reminded me of something I read:
http://www.cracked.com/article_19010_5-ways-to-avoid-your-terrible-parents-mistakes.html
It’s not preachy or obnoxious like the title might suggest. It’s just the perspective of a guy who came from an abusive household and is now trying to raise his kids. I don’t even know if it is useful advice, but sometimes it good knowing other people struggle with this stuff too?
26.
Bannef | March 2, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Oh, for the record, Cracked is a humor website. Figured I’d give you a heads up, since that might not be the tone you’re expecting when you click on something dealing with abusive parents. I don’t think it deals with the subject flippantly or anything because of it though.
It’s mostly just him talking about how his experience skewed his assumptions about “normal,” and how he mostly deals with this by watching other families interact – kind of like you watching the family eat their meal.
Also, obviously I don’t know you or anything, but from how you talk about the kids still in the system and the way you treat your pets, I’m guessing you’d be really great with kids. You keep joking about how “dumb” you are, but I think you’d make a phenomenal child advocate (or mentor, or social worker, or foster parent, or counselor, or whatever the hell you want to be, etc.) And you already are an advocate, by writing this stuff where everyone can see it.