what if i fuck up my first friendship?
March 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm 34 comments
Today I worked all day. It was a long shift — breakfast through dinner. I had alot of time to think about my day tomorrow at the park with KC. I am scared. I am very nervous. And as I worked through the day, I begin to reflect on my life and “what friendship is or means.”
So I never had a friend.
I know that probably sounds bizarre to you all…and maybe even unbelievable, but I never did. Growing up with my bioparents, I had my brother. Our world was SO crazy that no-one could have fit in or understood. And hell, it wasn’t like we could have invited little kids over to play. No, it was us. I don’t even remember having much contact with other kids as school…I was the kid who tried to get food out of the trash when kids dumped it, or the kid that hung by the fence looking for rocks while never fitting in.
A
t age 7 when I went into foster care, I did not understand, really. It is very confusing when your entire world has been turned upside-down. What I do know is that I NEVER stayed anywhere long enough to develop a friendship. I was just passing through. And when you are a kid passing through, you realize that attaching is going to wind up hurting… because when you are moved again, your world becomes different again.
New family, new school, new kids to try to relate to. At some point, I gave up. Initially, when I was little, I played with other foster children or the bio-children that might have been in the home, but then you move.
Placement 2 – new little kids…. and then you move.
Placement 3 — new little kids…and then you move.
Placement 4 — new little kids…and then you move.
etc…
You see?
Does not really make for attaching and finding a true friend.
You give up trying…I gave up.
I tried to recall if I ever invited a kid over to play, or to goto a movie, or to go anywhere…and I seriously could not remember one event. I can’t even ever remember being invited to a birthday paper as a little kid. Now, I am not that old, so these are memories that should be fresh in my young mind. Maybe some of “my parts” hold memories that I can not access. But, I can NOT come up with ONE NAME of a little friend that I had growing up in foster care…. I was just a passing-through kid.
When I was living homeless on the streets, I hung with street “families,” made up of kids from ages 13 to 27, both males and females. We hung in “families” and the kids were either “street siblings” or kids hooked up like couples. But a friend? I don’t think so. It was more about survival than enjoying the company of one-another. More about getting needs met, such 
as food, shelter, water, gratification through a variety of methods; than about being together because you JUST wanted to. Street living was not about friendship, but about survival.
Tomorrow is the first time in my life that I asked someone to do something, just as a FRIEND. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel like a little kid who is going to their very FIRST play-date… excited, antsy, scared, afraid. But unfortunately, I am also an adult now and this shit should be natural for me….but it is not. Attachment is not natural. Friendship is not natural. My life never set me up to do this… and now I am trying to figure it out on my own.
Do I want a friend? oh god yes.
Am I terrified that I am going to mess it up? oh god yes.
I don’t even know really what “Friendship” means or what is expected. I think about what I want in a “friend” — honesty, kindness, humor, understanding, compassion, ability to see and empathize with the differences in people and life, respect, loyalty ….. but is that what all people want? Is that too much? Too little? Am I forgetting something?
I never learned how to be a friend and I never learned how to have a friend… and now as a young-20-something, I am trying to figure it out…
.
… I hope I don’t fuck it up…
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: abandonment, aged-out foster kids, alone, Foster Care, foster home, foster kid, friends, friendship, homeless kids, unwanted, what is a friend.
1.
abby's momma | March 17, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Kids learn how to be friends by playing together. So even though things like loyalty etc come into for certain the basis is being able to enjoy eachother’s company. Try not to fret so much if you can. Fluffer nutters in the park sound perfect.
2.
Janera | March 17, 2011 at 10:09 pm
If you mess up this friendship, you will be just like the rest of us. Most of us have more ruined friendships than successful ones. If you end up with one good friend, all the failed ones are worth it.
3.
Broken | March 17, 2011 at 10:13 pm
LT, I think your description words nailed it. Especially the humor and understanding differences part.
Long term, Friends will do things to piss you off eventually. If you can remember that they are just trying their best, and are not perfect…well, that is what friends do. We get over being mad – or weirded out by things we don’t understand. You have one BIG thing going for you that folks who grew up “average” don’t always have…you have the humility to assume you may not know everything about everything. That sets you apart from lots of folks, including me. If I ever screw up with friends, it is because I got self-righteous about something I was really clueless about. Does that make sense? You have a kick-ass ability to watch, listen, and learn as you go.
Baby steps, LT. You will be fine. You are beautiful. You will have your very best furry friends right by your side!
4.
LK | March 17, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Just be cool and have a good time.
Live for the moment. It is okay to do that once in a while.
5.
Ms. E Speaks | March 17, 2011 at 10:23 pm
LT. , Just do you–the happiest you!
And tell your alters you want all of you to agree to be safe and have a good time.
I love the way you record/write your diaglogues!
I think you’ll find some comfort in that, besides she is very much a part of you now; and I think she’ll enjoy your sharing it with her when she gets back. 
I suggest you “create” and writeone between you and Dr. Val
6.
The Sleeper | March 17, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Just be yourself. KC likes you, now let the friendship grow. I can’t wait to hear all about it. Have fun!
7.
Sunday | March 18, 2011 at 12:07 am
I always get nervous with new people. Maybe we are harder on ourselves than we need to be. I think it is ok to just make up your friendships as you go…figure it on the fly. I don’t think there is any such thing as an expert friend, people make mistakes, put their foot in their mouth and so on…what makes a friend is that we are willing to like each other in spite of our little quirks. (Believe me sometimes I am amazed at some of the quirks ‘normal’ people have and I wonder what their excuse is. LOL) I think you’ll be fine.
8.
Fi | March 18, 2011 at 12:17 am
Your friendship experiences are totally believable and understandable, as is your fear of fucking up.
You are having so many firsts, how can it NOT be anxiety provoking.
There are no perfect relationships (so you can;t REALLY stuff it up), and each one we have is totally different to others. Connection can come at a million different levels.
Remember you have control over how long the play date will go for. You’re an astute observer, so things that you see, hear feel in the present can provide sources of conversation. As will your common interests.
Social skills are a skill and anyone can learn. And they get better with practice. Which is exactly what you’re doing.
Go grrrrrrl.
9.
Jen | March 18, 2011 at 12:33 am
You’ve already done the most nerve-wracking part – inviting someone to do something for the first time and being scared of being turned down. Now that you’re past that, it gets easier. Now you’re just hanging out, doing something you both enjoy. It went well last time you hung out, didn’t it? Just be yourself and enjoy the fluffa-nutters.
The difference between this and when you used to play tag and superheros with the other foster kids is that no social worker can come and separate you. You get to hang out again and again as many times as you want.
10.
MamatoMany | March 18, 2011 at 12:51 am
I hope you have a super time! You have worked so hard, you will do great! Can’t wait to hear how much fun you had!
11.
Loreley | March 18, 2011 at 2:01 am
“What I do know is that I NEVER stayed anywhere long enough to develop a friendship. I was just passing through.”
Thank you for writing that. I stayed longer at places, but for a long, long time I never had a real friend either. Perhaps I’m just too weird.
But strangely, later, I got used to a friend who at the beginning, did not want to be friends with anyone… It took about 5 years, but after that, kind of, we suddenly were friends… It’s nice to learn that time plays a role, as you said.
12.
Breezer | March 18, 2011 at 2:04 am
LT,
I think you are an amazing person. You need to give yourself more credit. You have many strengths. I love your blog. You have such a gift for expessing yourself through writing. You will do great tomorrow! Just be yourself, because you are pretty great!
13.
Lee | March 18, 2011 at 7:07 am
I get being scared of screwing up, I feel that way too when I am trying to make a friend. I think most everyone does. But friendship is built on just a few simple things that you all ready do. Being honest, letting your friend share things they like (with little kids this is taking turns choosing games, with us older kids it is taking turns choosing what to do and where to hang out) and having shared interests. It looks to me like you have all the bases covered. Just try to relax, eat and have fun!
14.
mm | March 18, 2011 at 7:36 am
try not to overthink it…ha, yeah right huh? but seriously, try to just enjoy yourself, ask her questions to get to know her, and breathe. i’m sure it’ll be fine but if this friendship doesn’t work out then that only means the next one will work better. i failed at friendships & relationships alot because i just didn’t know how to have them but i learned…with each failure or success i learned. this is a big first step for you LT. it’s scary but it’s such a great step in the right direction. keep taking those, they’ll add up and eventually get you somewhere you can’t even imagine right now. i hope you have a blast today! just breathe & let things flow. it sounds like this is a situation that you can trust enough to just let it be and relax. plus your dogs will be there to help you when you don’t feel safe or you’re uncomfortable.
take care of you.
me
15.
AnnMarie | March 18, 2011 at 7:56 am
Would it help to know that other adults who did have childhood friends feel the same way? I moved about 18 months ago across the country. Didn’t know anyone where we moved. I know hardly anyone outside of work. The first time I invited someone from here who I thought I might be able to be friends with to lunch I was so nervous she would say no. It’s been awkward because she obviously has other friends in the area (lived here for years) while I have absolutely no one to hang out with. So we do lunch once a month or so and sometimes I think about asking her to do something on the weekends or such but I just know if I should or not. What if we don’t have anything to say to each other or she doesn’t like the activity I pick out or she suggests a restaurant I hate or…… Some people do this naturally I guess but not me! It takes forever for me to make friends and I worry a lot, too.
16.
butterflysblog | March 18, 2011 at 9:27 am
Sweet LT – you are doing great. This is hard stuff, and you are processing through it. Good for you for thinking this through, and trying to understand why this is so difficult. Your natural intelligence and good soul will make all this easier for you. Yay LT!!!
17.
michelle v | March 18, 2011 at 10:45 am
i love this post — its honesty and hopefulness
enjoy your playdate
you will do well
♥ michelle
18.
rene wallis | March 18, 2011 at 10:56 am
good luck. I hope it goes well and KC, or if not KC, someone, will be the first of some close and reliable friends.
Friendship is hard for me, and I had parents and la oving home, so i wish you lots of luck
19.
Rita Brennan Freay | March 18, 2011 at 11:04 am
Be easy on yourself, and just be you. The person we see here…you are fabulous! Go with your gut and know its not easy for most of us to “friend” someone. You are putting yourself out there..its not easy stuff! But you are doing great! Give a little, at first, and you can ease your way into it…no pressure! Try to relax, and enjoy your time together and know that this time you are NOT just passing through:) I hope you have a great time….you deserve it!
Rita Brennan Freay
ritabrennanfreay.com
@Rita4kids
20.
Rose | March 18, 2011 at 11:13 am
You can do it! We are all pulling for you. Be yourself and stay true to who you are. And have fun!!
21.
wannabe | March 18, 2011 at 12:21 pm
have fun, and i agree with what the others say
22.
Carmel | March 18, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Good luck! You will do awesome! I know you are nervous but try to have fun. No matter how it goes, you just took a huge leap by doing something you have never done before. That is HUGE! don’t discount that.
23.
Shimmygirl | March 18, 2011 at 1:32 pm
What’s amazing is little children will play with anyone and have fun. They don’t judge. Just remember the three basic rules of a play date: 1) Share your toys 2) No hitting 3) Say “Thanks, I had a good time” when you are done. My thoughts are with you, LT.
24.
h | March 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Just be yourself, a cliche but so true…dont force something…also u know about true loyalty from ur time in FC more than u may realize.
25.
Erin | March 18, 2011 at 6:13 pm
I’m sure you’ll be fine. Bring the chips, the frisbee, and yourself, and you’ll be fine. Can’t wait to hear how it went!
26.
Stacie | March 18, 2011 at 6:44 pm
Hi, this is my first time to your blog. I’m a therapeutic foster parent and student social worker in training working with teens with substance abuse/mental health issues and I have some questions I’d love to ask you about your experiences that would help me better serve the kids I work with. Can you email me? Thanks!
27.
Shae | March 18, 2011 at 8:52 pm
first off, I really like the two kitties in the shoes! they are so cute
Try not to worry about tomorow, it sounds like it’ll be fun. Just play with your doggies, chat about art or candy or dogs or, if all else fails, the weather
Just remember to have some fun and hopefully the weather is nice!
28.
tikunolam | March 18, 2011 at 9:24 pm
The anxiety is growing pains. Those pains are the good kind. Like everything else in life that you have already mastered, getting “good” at making friends takes some practice and trial and error. This one sounds like it is off to a very good start with a good person with whom you have things in common.
29.
Ann | March 18, 2011 at 10:18 pm
My (old) “best” friend and I had our friendship Fucked up. Majorly fucked up. It’s shattered, never to come back. It hurt, a lot to have it break like that too…
BUT – I have all the memories of before that occurance. The good can outweigh the bad. That home-made pizza at their house, the talk on the peanut-butter fluff sandwhiches (?), are worth the risk. Trust me, even if it gets fucked up, it’s better to have tried.
Knowing all the pain my “best” friend caused me, how much I hated everything because of how ‘fucked’ up it got, If given the chance I’d still go back and try to be-friend her again.
It’s not about ‘fucking’ up, ‘breaking’ up, ‘messing’ up – it’s about trying and remembering all those good times do/can/will out weigh the rest.
30.
Ann | March 18, 2011 at 10:22 pm
I forgot – you asked what you want from a friendship… and if it was too much.
If you show who you are, and let them show who they are, and still get along… You will pretty much get all those things. Ok, it’s rough at times cause well, you can’t like someone 100% of the time (you can’t like anything 100% of the time, all the time – cheese puffs will eventually make you sick! lol) But, people are social by nature. Even the cues we give each other that we don’t want to be social, are social else we’d just ignore them compared to physically (or verbally saying) F-off.
P.S. Got that library card yet?
31.
fatima | July 22, 2011 at 11:15 am
well for me to get amazing friends or get into a great friendship it took a lots of hating crying and all but then when i found it was just amazing feeling so don’t be scared just get to it when ever u want and make sure u are what ever u mentioned there like loyal and etc ^_^ u will love it
32.
Fiesta | August 10, 2011 at 3:13 am
I am 11 and I have a best friend and we ack like sisters we love each other as friends or best friends
33.
Sarah | August 28, 2011 at 7:34 pm
To me a friend is someone who accepts me for me, who can make me laugh and shares things in common with me. Be open to others. Give people what you want in a friendship the best you can and someone will give it back. Good luck
34.
current foster kid | March 20, 2012 at 7:58 pm
my whole life ive had one friend. thank god for her cuz if she wansnt there i honnestly probably would of killed myslef by now. ive hung out with other people for the first time recently with my bestfriend and i couldnt do it without getting drunk. i get the worst anxiety before meeting anyone who could be a potential”friend” . im a kid passing through too. i dont talk to anyone. i always sit alone at lunch.