why the fuck did i not get put back in a nest?
April 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm 42 comments
many of you may read my blog and think my posts about wanting and needing a mom are a joke. that i am trying to perhaps distort the overwhelming need and my feelings for some purpose or to make a point. believe me, i am not… i am not. and if you have had any positive experiences with a mom, perhaps you can’t ever understand the eating away of my heart that painfully exists. every single part of me aches for a mom; a deep, powerful ache. it does not go away because i am a young adult. it grows worse every single day that i live.
i feel like a baby bird who fell out of a nest that is high up in a tree, and no one put me back. and no mom bird comes to feed me on the ground to keep me alive. i flap and flap on the ground, getting no-where. i flap and flap exhausting myself trying desparately to get back to the nest… where i know mom SHOULD be. i flap and flap, even hurting myself as i try to get to my nest. i flap and flap until i can’t flap anymore… and then the flapping ends and my little birdie body falls to the ground, exhausted, breathing shallow, darkness coming as the end approaches.
you see?
it’s not a joke. i am dying inside. i am getting tired of flapping. i am getting tired of looking up at that nest. my breathing is getting shallow and i am losing my ability to flap…
why didn’t i ever get put back in the nest?
why?
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: abandonment, alone, bird, dying, family, feelings, Foster Care, foster kid, foster parents, mom, motherless child, no family, unwanted.
1.
Gabberdoo | April 7, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Sweetie…you have alot of support on here! Try to see the positive
LOL my kids would say HERE TAKE MY MOM bwahahah so if you need one…I’m just an email and then a phone call away… ((((HUGS))))) Just know you have alot of people who care about you!!!!
2.
Joe | April 7, 2011 at 1:30 pm
I don’t doubt for a second that you are feeling this huge void in your life because your bio-parents were losers. And though it’s easy for me to say (me, who is so far removed from your reality) I know stories exist like the one below, and pray someone finds you out of your nest and takes you in, even if you’re completely different!
http://www.wimp.com/catsquirrel/
Hang in there, LT.
3.
abandoning eden | April 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I’m in my late 20s, and even though my circumstances are entirely different from yours, I think I kinda know what you feel like…my mother stopped talking to me entirely a few years ago (for religious reasons), and there are all sorts of mom things I want to ask about, that I have no one to ask about because she doesn’t even take my calls. As I start talking to my husband about having kids, it gets even worse, cause I know I will have no mom to ask about pregnancy and children stuff. Every birthday I end up super depressed cause even though my husband tries to cheer me up, and my awesome inlaws always send a card, I don’t have my own mom to acknowledge my birthday in any way. And sometimes you just want someone older and more experienced to talk to so they can give your advice, and I don’t have a mom who is willing to do that.
What I’ve found that helps is getting to know older women as friends, who I can go to for mom type advice on things. Have you thought about spending some time volunteering at an old folks home- I’m sure there are plenty of people at places like that who are sitting around wishing one of their kids would visit, who would love to pass on their mom-ly advice to another young woman.
4.
S | April 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm
You’re not a kid anymore. You are an adult in your 20s and you need to figure out how to just move on. You’re not the only person who has had horrible things happen to them and you’re not the only kid who’s had a nightmare of an upbringing, in foster care and out. You really need to gain a little perspective and maturity and own the fact that life is hard but people get on their feet and brush themselves off everyday. Keep getting help but be open to life and its experiences or you’ll find yourself posting these same blog entries next year and the next and the next. You are blessed with a lot of great readers who offer you advice and caring all the time but you continue to feel sorry for yourself and point out how much you’ve been wronged. Maybe look at the world around you and make an effort to make things better. Go to your local CPS office and donate your time so you’re an active part of a healing process and maybe you’ll find meaning in something bigger than yourself and your past and stop posting desperate pleas for help on the internet.
5.
DK | April 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm
“S” your post makes me wonder what your experiences are and what perspective you’re working from. Although LT is chronologically in her 20′s that does not mean that in every facuet of her life she is what you may be thinking of as an appropriate 20-ish year old. Children or adults that have experienced serious and ongoing trauma during their lifetime cannot simply “just move on.” Often times they need to start working from the variety of developmental stages they are at. It’s not easy, it’s not quick! She’s doing the work and she’s doing an amazing job of it! She spent how many years with no one listening to her? I think she deserves to have this space to have her audience listen to her even if she needs to keep going through “how much she was wronged.” I know I have gained A LOT by listening to her perspective.
6.
The Sleeper | April 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Actually, in many ways “S” you are wrong. LT is 20-something, but child abuse and neglect prevent normal development. So, like MANY foster children, LT is probably many years younger emotionally and developmentally.
I am not sure “feeling sorry for herself” would be a good description of this blog. Read other posts and look at the advice this young person offers about life in foster care over and over again.
And this same young person that you think is self-absorbed and immature has the heart to give food to the homeless when LT is starving herself. I doubt you do the same.
I hope this post gets deleted. It is only meant to hurt.
7.
bethanylest | April 7, 2011 at 2:53 pm
What an ass. LT, ignore this post. It is only one person and clearly one person that has not read your blog or your life. Or one person who has another agenda.
Just because a person has “readers” or even friends, it never replaces the need for a mother. Why do you think so much of child development and theory is based on the relationship between mother and child? Many developmental psychologists have spend their lives defining the stages of development and the outcomes when children are NOT healthily attached.
You “S” have just shown your ignorance.
8.
hazy55 | April 7, 2011 at 5:06 pm
What a shit.
Have you read this blog? Since I don’t recall ever seeing you comment before, I can only assume you are a troll.
Let me tell you what I have read… LT has survived severe abuse, foster care, and homelessness. She got off the streets with no help it seems, got a GED and holds a job. But more importantly, the person you are insulting cares for a sick dog that was a street dog and for which most people would have put down because of the “nuisance.” Did you read those posts?
LT has thanked the readers of this blog more than any other blog I read. In fact, most blogs I read, the authors never thank readers but tell them to fuck off. Did you read the holiday poem written as a gift to the readers? Doesn’t sound like you did.
Troll elsewhere..and if LT won’t say it, I will – FUCK OFF
*Sorry LT, delete mine if you want.
9.
Melissa | April 7, 2011 at 5:15 pm
How on earth does someone “just move on” from not having a MOTHER?
10.
Jess | April 7, 2011 at 5:33 pm
Melissa is spot on.
11.
Crumble | April 8, 2011 at 12:30 am
“How on earth does someone “just move on” from not having a MOTHER?”
Or just move on after being raped and stabbed by your own freakin dad, or just move on after being abused in care (where you should be safe), or just move on from the thousands of other situations that have happened.
We are a reflection of our experiences. A sum of our life events. Sometimes our life events have been horrific, and they do not heal easily – espiecally if you are not equipped with good coping skillls (which were not taught by abusive/neglective caregivers).
LT works HARD. Do you think you can just say to her – just go get a job for $25 dollars an hour – then you can pay for Moonlights’s medical bills and buy nice things. No. It is not realistic. To get there LT will have to struggle and work her way up, maybe get a grant and go to college… Maybe work her way up to management bit by bit… But it is years of investment.
Healing is also years of investment. There has already been TREMENDOUS growth. She has a RL friend, she is becoming aware of her parts, she is sharing opening about her hurts and triumphs.
There is a point where we should become responcible for ourselves, and our own reactions. But sometimes an issue claws at the core of our being – and no matter how hard we try to ignore or dismiss its impact, it is still there.
LT is doing the best she can to heal herself. I know that all of our comments are meant for the best, and admit that “strong love” has its place. But that is the beautiful thing about our world – we are all different. We all have something different to contribute. Some of us listen with empathy, some with stern guidance. I think what we can agree on, is that we all believe in LT, care for her, and want what is best for her. We all want her to find peace, happiness, and contentment. What ever that looks like for her, in her life.
Tough love, or empathy – the message is the same. We don’t mean to hurt, we mean to support.
12.
Jen | April 7, 2011 at 9:55 pm
LT, S is CLUELESS. Just delete what he / she wrote.
13.
Stacie Guessework | April 7, 2011 at 10:56 pm
I’ve debated this response for the past hour, wanting to make sure I didn’t speak out of anger, but feel this should be said. First, you seem to be deliberately baiting LT or the commenters. You are right in some respects- lots of people have lived through a nightmare of a childhood, although few can say they survived the physical abuse that she has. Where you err is that you say that these same people brush themselves off and are just fine. In actuality, the majority of people that experience the severe abuse and abandonment that LT experienced end up with addiction (illegal and prescription drugs, alcohol, food, sex, adrenaline), or severe mental illness including depression, anxiety disorders, personality disorders or worse, turn to suicide or violent crimes against others.
I believe LT has an amazing “perspective” as you put it and is doing well in maturity as well. First, unlike many young adults that have lived through this, she does not hate all people. Instead, she is open to finding love and friendship. Many people who have lived through this end up antisocial and violent. She has not. She is open to new experiences- and doing remarkably well in them. Most clients who have lived through this end up on disability for mental illness and do not even try to work and live independently. She clearly understands values- she strives for honesty and respect with her coworkers, bosses and friends.
I understand you probably mean well, or at least one might hope you do. There is a large part of the country that values the “pulling oneself up by their own bootstraps” mentality- one that eschews mental health treatment and sees mental illness or psychological response to trauma as a cop-out. The reality is that this belief is erroneous. fMRI data shows medically evidential proof that early trauma, abuse and neglect change the development of the brain, nervous system and hormone levels. Cortisol is a primary component of the hormone system, and is a response hormone to stress. Excessive amounts of cortisol in the body and brain lead to other changes- including causing the traumatized children to live in a constant state of anxiety and fear. Other children learn to transport themselves mentally in order to cope with the abuse, something very common with certain types of abuse. Untreated, that leads to serious mental disorders that take years to overcome. Experts estimate that for every year that the child experiences severe abuse plus the years between the end of abuse and the start of mental health treatment, the person should expect to spend at least 3-6 months in treatment. In other words, a child abused at age 3 for 1 year who doesn’t get treatment until age 8 should expect to spend 2-4 years in therapy to be best served. For LT, she had added trauma of foster care and multiple moves (and likely more, I confess to not having read the entire blog history at this time due to my new status as a reader). She may likely choose to continue therapy for years in order to address these issues. And she should be commended not condemned for choosing to seek help.
I’m sure there will come a time when LT, being who she appears to be from what I’ve read, will be able to be involved in work to share the love and compassion she has inside herself. At this point, she needs to take care of LT- nurture herself. No one else did, for years, and so she’s definitely due some love. If you’re uncomfortable with her honesty, perhaps you would be better served by reading a less honest blog. If you’re moved significantly by this, then consider helping a child in need- get trained as a foster parent and let go of your beliefs that everyone can just quit hurting, heal themselves and move on. If that belief were true, then all overweight people would easily lose their weight, smokers would simply quit smoking, alcoholics would sober right up, kids would stop whining, adults would stop griping about their exes screwing them over in the divorce settlement, and no one would ever hold a grudge.
The reality is, our minds and bodies take a blow every time we’re hurt, whether its getting cussed out or slapped. Those blows take time to heal. Some wounds are small, like a papercut, and need nothing more than a rinsing or dusting off, and a few hours for the wound to start to seal over. Other wounds are deeper and need butterfly bandanges to help them reseal, and take a week or so to start healing. The scar may remain for months though. Other wounds need stitches, and can take weeks to start to seal over, and leave scars for months and years. Still other wounds need major surgery to re-attach nerves and tendons and put pins in bones, and they need casts to help reset them, to frame the perfect setting they should become, and antibiotics to fight off infection. Those often leave lifetime scars- stiffness or arthritis later on- they never fully heal.
Please don’t relegate anyone else’s injury to the status you think it holds. LT has a therapist- let that person make the call if this one is a “rinse it off and keep going” or “major surgery” situation. I’m sure she’s quite qualified to do so. From what I’ve read, I’m leaning towards the “major surgery” category.
I hope you consider what I wrote. I mean no venom towards you, but feel that you are simply misinformed or poorly educated about the issues this blog addresses. If you want more information, check out the free online training classes found at fosterparentclub.com.
14.
Crumble | April 8, 2011 at 12:32 am
I love this post!!!! GREAT POINTS!
15.
LooneyTunes | April 8, 2011 at 7:59 am
this email is fake: omgstfuk@hotmail.com
and i have an IP address….
… i know who are.
did it make you feel better?
16.
Loreley | April 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I had a similar experience as Abandoning Eden. So, yes, I know what it means to long for mom.
And I have similar remedies as AE: befriend older, mom-like women (with many children) who can give a bit of their momhood.
But where do you find them?
In general, religious communities have a lot of momhood around, they often have large families and believe in the value of “the mom”. I have a friend who had a lack of mom in her childhood and she compensated it quite well in a religious community and by having many children herself.
However, I understood that you really are not into this religious stuff. Furthermore, it might have other aspects that you really do not like (like wearing skirts or certain rules, or tatteling one about the other).
I heard a woman in the radio who could heal in a convent of nuns (only women, no sex), and she left once she had healed. But again, these are very special types of communities, and not everybody likes it. Perhaps it would remind you of group homes and be exactely the contrary of what you are looking for.
Can one also find those kinds of moms & sense of community in a hippy community? Would they be secure?
17.
abandoning eden | April 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm
if you are looking for a great online hippie /non religious community where there are plenty of older women willing to give you mom-type advice (especially in the “woman’s circle”) there is this website – http://www.gatheringofthevibes.com/forum/ – it has some annoying people on it (like every online forum), but it’s mostly like a huge family, and it’s where I go for mom advice these days. I post there under the name “dr. lostreality”
18.
Sandra | April 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm
First, love the analogy of your feelings with the baby bird. There is something called “failure to thrive” and the death of the baby bird represents that. You survived and are making it. I hope that you will find a surrogate mother, that may fill some of your void. Give it time.
Second, ignore the haters. Clearly “S” is a person who knows very little about life. “Go volunteer at your local CPS office.” LOL Like that will help healing? …try trigger you constanly. See LT, a person who knows very little about life or empathy.
Keep doing what you are doing. Many people are listening.
19.
Lori | April 7, 2011 at 4:26 pm
My best thoughts are not of the mother that abandoned me to my fate. You ever need a mom, a hug, or just to know that someone is willing to teach you how to cook – look me up. I didn’t have a mom either, I know the feeling and still feel that way – almost 40 years later.
20.
Ms. E | April 7, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I take your feeling of ache for a mom very seriously. We NEVER outgrow the need for a nurturing source in our lives!
I could say a lot about this subject but it would probably start to ramble. I just want to validate your feelings, needs and desires; and let you know that I whole-heartedly believe there IS someone out here/there willing and waiting to “mother” you. It’s never, ever too late.
Big Hugs! <3
21.
CherubMamma | April 7, 2011 at 5:01 pm
I agree completely with Ms. E.
Hang in there LT. <>
22.
Joe | April 7, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Hey, y’all….before you start hammering *too* hard on S…
…the advice given is sound. It just isn’t sound for LT.
…S isn’t an idiot or doesn’t know about life, just ignorant about LT’s life.
For another person, perhaps many people out there, that’s exactly the kind of thing they need to hear. Me personally? I’d have to know someone a LOT better before speaking that to them, and I’d have to do it somewhere private or semi-private.
So insensitive and ignorant (which everyone is, at times) but let’s save the name calling.
23.
hazy55 | April 7, 2011 at 5:26 pm
Actually Joe, the advice is not sound for this blog nor for anyone who has attachment difficulties. The fact is that a person without a mother or an abusive and neglectful mother is developmentally and emotionally delayed. LT may be a 20-year old physically, but mentally and emotionally, probably more like a 5 year old. A “healthy” 20-year old would not write a blog like this. Period. (No offense LT) If you don’t believe me, look for a 20-something blog and see what they write about.
So when someone who does not read the blog, never offers other comments besides that one, and tells the author of the blog to “stop posting desperate pleas for help on the internet.” — why is this person reading the blog?
This is a post that lacks understanding about development or foster children or attachment and bonding. And since LT has had enough people shit on her blog, and it does effect her (read the posts), if we read the blog, we should support her and tell the shits to fuck off.
24.
sg | April 7, 2011 at 5:22 pm
In some ways, you’re doing a lot better at handling your life than me and many of my friends (mostly early twenty-somethings, but one is 32) – even though none of us have had experiences as horrible as yours.
I know you feel like you struggle with a lot of things, but you’ve still managed to get your own place with your animals, and a steady job that pays your rent, with bosses that like you. There are many people who would not have been able to handle doing that, and you should be really proud of yourself (seriously).
I grew up with my bioparents but our family was dysfunctional and emotionally/verbally abusive – due to the way my mother treated me I haven’t spoken to her since I turned 18, and I don’t feel comfortable talking to my dad very often either. I moved out when I was 18, also, and it’s been really hard to try to figure everything out and get by… I often wished that I had a family I could ask for help and support and advice.
Instead, I did what I could by myself, and established a circle of good friends who loved and cared for me, and would do what they could to help… oftentimes all they could do was listen and try to be comforting, but it made a big difference.
The closest of these friends I consider to be far more “my family” than my parents… it’s not the same, especially because many of them are young and struggling also, but at least they’re people I chose (and who chose me), rather than people who are just blood-related or feel resentfully obligated.
While finding someone willing to take the role of a mother in your life would be really difficult, but I know that you could find people who would really like and care for you, and would be grateful to be part of your “extended family”. Most of the people I know feel at least somewhat lonely and isolated, even if they know where their parents are, and would benefit a lot from more close relationships in their lives.
25.
sg | April 7, 2011 at 5:33 pm
Also, next time you’re at the library, I think you should look for Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut. It’s not a children’s book but it’s not difficult to read, and although it’s science fiction (and pretty weird, at points), the whole story is about loneliness and creating artificial families.
I’ve found a lot of Kurt Vonnegut’s books (and ideas) to be comforting…
26.
Cecile | April 8, 2011 at 2:44 am
Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling donut? Why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooooooooooooon?
27.
Joe | April 7, 2011 at 5:24 pm
Oh, and…a word about churches:
There’s a *LOT* of freaky ones out there with freaky “rules”.
But there are a lot of good ones, too. Just gotta find them. I think when people find the right one, amazing things happen in their lives.
28.
Jess | April 7, 2011 at 5:37 pm
LT, I don’t know what it is like to not have a mother. But when I read what you write, I am trying to understand. It helps me understand what children go through in their feelings.
I am sorry people are cruel, but please know when you read these comments, that more people are pulling for you than against you. This is your space.
Thank you for sharing your life. I too appreciate the bird analogy.
<3
29.
MJ | April 7, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Lt
Im sorry that you have the pain of not having a mother . I lost my mom to suicide when I was 11 and that hole never ever goes away. I have had a fairly stable life other than that — so I can only imagine that your pain and hole is much bigger than mine. I wish I could hug you and be t hat mom for you .
30.
michelle v | April 7, 2011 at 7:52 pm
you will find the mom you need and one day you will likely be the one you wanted yourself. in the meantime, maybe ask dr val if there are any mentorship programs (even if it is something like big sisters) to give you some of the mothering you crave
♥ michelle
31.
Breezer | April 7, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Hey LT –
I so appreciate you and your blog. I look forward to reading your posts.
I am frustrated by “S” and her statements. I agree it is just ignorance. Anyone who has been through the kind of trauma you have, knows you can’t just move on. I could write pages and pages why you can’t just move on. Trauma changes the way our brains respond to life. As you have said, so many times, we have to learn things for the first time that others were taught as kids and take for granted. Not to mention dealing with very little sleep and all the other aspects of ptsd. It is clear “S” has no clue!
For those of us who do not have moms, we understand your pain. It is difficult to deal with. It really hurts. Do not apologize for being honest about how you feel. We know your pain is real.
LT, you are doing great. It is a day by day fight. It gets better a step at a time. Keep on taking those steps.
32.
Rose | April 7, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Oh LT. What a wonderful analogy about your feelings. You have a gift for being able to explain what you feel and perceive through words. The words will help you heal, so keep writing.
Don’t feel bad about who you are. You are beautiful LT and your growth is amazing. I pray a mother-figure will find you when you are ready.
33.
Stacie Guessework | April 7, 2011 at 8:59 pm
Hmm. I’m a frequent reader, but rare commenter, at least on this blog. I came over from FosterAbba’s. My husband and I have a blended family- bio kids, adopted kids, step kids, guardianship kids, therapeutic foster kids, regular foster kids. I am also a social worker, working in the field of substance abuse and mental health. And I come from a family of biological, foster and adopted relatives. So, I have some experience in this, although, maybe not what you’d expect.
I’m also an orphan- I lost both parents within a few years of each other. And I can understand that feeling of loss- that incompleteness that comes. I had a great relationship with one parent, a less than positive (ok, packed full of verbal abuse and rejection) with the other, due to her medical issues and compromised mental state.
What grieves me in today’s post is not LT’s post, its the comments. “S” commented a very practical, straightforward response- one that another reader pointed out is a valid response, albeit maybe not for LT.
Other readers perpetually offer sympathy, compassion and pity- something that in their mind is the best they can offer. Unfortunately, in the therapy world, this can often slide into the “enabling” aspect of codependency. Sometimes someone struggling with compulsive or obsessive thoughts need frank, but loving, honesty, in order to help them progress in the healing process.
Here’s my concern- as readers on this blog, unaware of the course of therapy LT is going through, but clearly aware that LT is suffering from mental and emotional struggles as indicated by her self-disclosures of therapy, cutting and other maladaptive behaviors, no one here should be “guiding” LT in her recovery. Quite frankly, no one here, friend or foe, is qualified for that, because no one here knows LT or treats her.
I just wanted to caution people here- you’re dealing with someone with serious emotional issues. Please be very circumspect in what you post- temper honesty with compassion, and most importantly, don’t make promises that you don’t have the power to fulfill. Don’t tell LT that she’ll get a mom one day- the reality is she probably won’t. Even if she did get “adopted” at this point, the likelihood of her ever having the true “mom/daughter” relationship- that is something that occurs over the years of childhood, as bonds are created through the need/fulfillment cycle, developing into trust bonds.
So think otherwise- be prudent in promising the 5 yr old in the innercity housing project that she’ll get a pony for Christmas. Instead, balance the compassion with honesty- that although LT may never get what is lost- the bio mom, the adopted mom, that instead she can develop strong relationships with other people, both male and female.
Listen, don’t judge- and don’t start a war on her comments section. The last thing an abandoned child who was abused needs is to feel as though she is responsible for another fight. This isn’t a game- its a very serious situation that involves a fragile human life. Encourage LT to talk about her dreams, and the steps she’s taking to reach them. Allow her room to talk about her feelings- at some point, in order to heal and have good relationships and eventually maybe have a family of her own one day (not being adopted, but getting in a relationship and having/getting children with her partner), she needs to grieve her losses and accept the harsh reality that is this world.
We all experiences losses- learning to accept and process them is challenging for everyone but especially for an emotionally delayed adult that experienced what LT has. But she CAN get through this. It may take time, but she can.
And so many of you post wonderful, empathetic comments- comments that share your own experiences so she doesn’t feel as alone, comments that point her towards books that will help, etc.
As for the suggestion that LT go volunteer at CPS, actually, I’ve had many abuse survivors say that volunteering made a huge difference in their lives and recovery. Yes, there is a risk of triggering, but at some point, everything in life can trigger you. LT is in therapy- and therefore its logical to assume that Dr. Val has been working with her on healthy coping skills that she can use to get through the trigger situations. Things like pre-emptive meditation, self-soothing rituals, and other things can minimize the reaction. In fact, many therapists encourage desensitization as a healing mechanism for past trauma including abuse and neglect- deliberately revisiting the trauma mentally or physically and gradually building up a tolerance towards it. There’s validity in that, as long as the person is receiving good therapeutic support.
Anyway, I said all that to say- LT, I wish you the best. Your struggle is a very tough one and I know you have the strength within you to work through the loss and to build other positive relationships. You are strong- you’re a survivor. There’s much hope in being where you’re at- many foster kids can’t maintain steady employment nor a house. You have both. You’re making so much progress- you’ve started a friendship. You’re expressing your feelings. You can do this.
One of my adopted children (adopted as a much older kid) told me once that although part of her would do anything to have her family be the dream family she always wanted, the bigger part of her had just decided to accept that her mom was screwed up and she wasn’t going to make the same mistakes her mom made that caused her to be screwed up- drugs, alcohol, sleeping around with abusive men. Instead, my beautiful daughter has decided to make the good choices- despite her dubious beginnings, she has fought to improve her literacy, enrolled in college, works, volunteers with the sick, and pushing to learn things that will help her. She wants to (once she’s stable) have a relationship and have and adopt kids. She is determined to be a loving, committed mother. I can testify, from watching her with younger sibs, relatives and kids in the church nursery, she’s well on her way. She has so much love in her heart- and she’s so kind and loving with them.
So I’ll ask- what do you want from your future LT? Maybe I missed it because I’m a new reader, but what are your goals for your life? Are you planning college? Have an interest in a particular career field? Do you want a family? Where do you see yourself in ten years?
I hope no one is offended, but I just had to speak up. If you want to fight with another reader/commenter, then may I suggest you take it to email? LT needs friends- and there’s a certain safety in friendships online with anonymity- less fear of rejection. Friends listen, support, share their hearts, and talk about more than just negativity. I find it so interesting that LT has such a good time with her new friend IRL- just doing normal things, talking about normal life. Maybe she needs some of that on here as well.
Hope I didn’t offend anyone….
34.
Sandra | April 7, 2011 at 9:34 pm
Hm. I think you need to read more of this blog before you comment. I am not sure where to start and am not starting an attack here, but the reality is that if you read from the beginning to where LT is now, there is massive growth.
Enabling? It is really dangerous to give frank advice to someone through the internet because it can sound cold and not empathetic; especially in a situation such as this. Throughout the blog there has been instances of attacks that have perpetuated LT into a spiral and what has helped are the comments from the readers who offer an empathetic ear. It is also slightly insulting to assume that the readers are “enablers” when we really only know a small part of LT’s world…that which she chooses to share.
LT has DID. You say you are a social worker, than you should recognize that a trigger to someone with DID is not the same as a trigger to someone with PTSD. A trigger could cause someone with DID to switch, and chances are that if LT was working in a CPS office, for CASA, or with abused children would be more problematic than “exposure therapy” because of the DID. At some point in her life, she may be able to, but she is still loses time and is not co-conscious.
The blog is filled with LT’s dreams. Again, perhaps read more.
Your comment devalues the work LT has done and the growth. I have followed this blog since she came from Y/A and in just that time, the growth is remarkable.
She is involved with insight-orientated therapy methods. What she is writing about reflects that. I would halt telling her to stop doing so. And this blog is a mix of ups and downs…
LT, please delete if you feel I spoke out of context.
35.
Anderson | April 7, 2011 at 10:10 pm
WOW. Not sure this is helping here.
36.
Stacie Guessework | April 7, 2011 at 10:58 pm
lol its ok- I think this is just a very passionate group that really cares about LT. Hearts flare high sometimes. No worries.
37.
Stacie Guessework | April 7, 2011 at 10:33 pm
Hi Sandra. Again, if you reread my comment (which since it was a bit long, perhaps you skimmed it and missed part) you’ll note that I said I was a recent visitor- and that I was not overly familiar with the history of LT’s life. Unfortunately, unlike many people who have ample time to read long blog histories, I do not. My concern was not with LT- it was with the feuding of the commenters. I do believe that different people have different perspectives- and I do think it is rather foolish for a team of untrained blogreaders who are only getting to see the small portion of LT’s life as documented in the blog, attempt to guide her in a major way. That is her therapist’s job.
Actually, I was unaware of her official dx, although DID or Borderline would have been an obvious guess, yes, but again, without a thorough history and assessment I wouldn’t even guess. I only note the obvious- she has talked about her “parts” and that she cuts without realizing she’s cutting and finds it out later. And obviously you have an interest of some sort in psychology, perhaps you’re aware that there are as many EBP tx protocols for each disorder as there are flavors at Baskin Robbins ha ha. CBT is commonly used to treat DID and BPD, which encourages the client to develop coping skills, self-soothing rituals and other ways of combating triggers. At no point have I heard any clinician recommending the complete lifelong avoidance of potential triggers.
As for the PTSD, please note that I didn’t suggest that she should or does carry that dx. I did note that her past trauma history in itself could give cause to triggers now. Its commonly accepted that most children in foster care over the age of 2 likely have some degree of PTSD.
But I’m sorry you were so offended. For the record, I did have issue with the fact that you believe that the comments of readers here are what has helped her progress in her therapy. I would be far more likely to believe that her therapist and psychiatrist are much more instrumental in that process.
Again, I have no issue with the empathetic comments- my issue was only with the comments that “teased” LT- such as telling her she’ll one day get a mom. No one can make that promise- and I have witnessed firsthand the emotional harm that can cause when an abandoned child is promised an eventual family and that event never comes to pass. I’m not advocating that the blunt truth be thrown out- far from it. Reread what I said- I praised the empathy, praised the comments and support. I cautioned against untrained readers offering suggestions to someone in a fragile mental state.
As for devaluing LT’s work, that is pretty offensive and harsh. I think LT is an amazing person- I came to read this blog simply because someone else recommended it and I found it informative at first- especially since I work with kids in foster care. Then, it tugged at my heartstrings- how could anyone read this and not feel overwhelming compassion for a broken child.
In no way am I criticizing LT’s writings or blog. This is her space- she has the right to express herself freely. My issue was only with the commenters. To me, LT is both fragile in that other people’s opinions and words have much greater risk of causing harm than the average 20 yr old due to her emotional state, and yet at the same time, LT is a powerful survivor, fighting to achieve success in life and relationships despite her traumatic past. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading her entries- some are poetic in form, tragic in meaning.
Calm down, breathe deep. I’m not taking sides- simply didn’t want warring factions within the comments section to cause LT distress. I did not give LT any instructions- regarding volunteering, triggers, or anything else. Reread- I did say that I had known people who benefitted from volunteering when they were ready and their therapist had prepared them with appropriate coping skills- but I didn’t say at DHS, CASA, etc. I know one that volunteered at the library- putting away books, organizing, even assisting in adult literacy. Another volunteered in the hospital rehab unit with elderly patients. Another knitted hats for preemies, and another volunteered at the animal shelter walking dogs. Volunteering can be a wonderful outlet for the love stored up in any client- regardless of Dx. Especially for abandoned kids turned adults, there is often a massive amount of love and care that needs to be expended- volunteer work can be a viable option.
I encouraged people to allow LT to defer to her therapist for advice, and to avoid presenting false hopes to her. If she gets a new family, wonderful, a true blessing from God. But considering there are over 500,000 kids waiting on families, not including the now adult-aged kids that have aged out of the system without families, it could be almost cruel to dangle that carrot so to speak.
We had a foster child briefly who was nearing his 20th placement, and he was a very young teen. Over and over, people had promised him he’d “find his family soon”- starting at age 4. He, thus far, has not. And every time someone said it, he would anxiously await it. When it didn’t happen, he blamed himself all over again, starting over the self-injurious behaviors and self-loathing. The average person not familiar with foster care might not realize the power of the words “you’ll find your new mom, one that wants you” can be.
And I apologize, but I doubt that I can go back and reread all the posts that have appeared since day 1. That’s why I asked my simple questions- I’d like to know more about LT as a person- where is she headed, what does she like, what are her dreams? I’m sorry if that offended you. I don’t feel that it is inappropriate to ask her if she would be willing to share some about that. I’ve seen blog readers ask similar questions before and the blogger simply answered them.
If LT isn’t comfortable sharing, perhaps you would like to share some of that info? It appears that you know her well. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond and I’m sorry if you incorrectly perceived my comments as being an attack on LT. They were far from it. Please reread my comment- I was quite supportive of the majority of the empathetic comments.
I hope you have a good evening, and look forward to LT’s next post.
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LooneyTunes | April 8, 2011 at 8:06 am
stop talking about me like i am not here — quit it.
and yes some readers do know more about me because i i came here from another forum — but still dont talk about me like i am not here. gosh, im not a fucking case study.
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butterflysblog | April 7, 2011 at 9:48 pm
Sweet LT – You are so right about your beautiful analogy between you and a sweet birdie. I really see you as such a sweet birdie who is flapping her wings with all her might, trying so hard to get home, wherever home may be. We are all flying with you sweetie, trying to help you find home too.
Also – to “S” – take your hate and move it away from this blog. LT has way too many friends and people who love her here to let you talk that way to her.
40.
Laura | April 7, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Both have interesting points, although I tend to disagree with Stacie quite a bit. The comparison of the success of your adopted daughter is not a valid comparison to LT. Your daughter has you and other support in place to make choices and decisions. She is not about to be homeless again or living in a dump. Big difference to make dreams.
DID therapy is long term and revisiting the trauma usually comes long after safety is established and the parts have some communication between them. Particularly if there are protector parts that are assertive and hurtful. Volunteering in that setting would be a disaster, so just mentioning it shows that the person knows nothing about LT’s journey.
LT might find a mother. People get adopted as adults and can be reparented. Part of psychodynamic therapy is reparenting as well. Some of the posts that LT writes about with Dr. Val show reparenting. While the “mother/daughter” relationship that LT should have had as a child can not be reborn, other relationships can meet certain needs that a client has.
Giving frank advice as you suggested is not a smart thing to do in a situation as this. As you said, no-one is treating LT. Giving frank advice about how LT should pick herself up and mature is limited in the understanding about where LT is at now. As a therapist, we meet our clients where they are and challenge when appropriate. But that is AFTER a relationship is established. Giving frank and honest comments about the client’s maturity and growth when there is no relationship is potentially dangerous.
41.
Jen | April 7, 2011 at 11:18 pm
LT, I apologize for us all getting swept up in the bickering above. That was wrong of us.
Now, for something more positive regarding the need for your nest..
Could you ask Dr. Val what she thinks of the idea of tracking down and writing letters to your former CASA mentor or to some of your good former foster parents, like the hippies or the people who gave you your first thanksgiving (you called them Sara and Bill)? I know it must seem like something impossible at first, since you’ve told us (at least with the hippies) that you parted on bad terms. The thing is, parting on bad terms happens in bio-families too, and sometimes, when both parties make an effort to reconcile, people re-unite. Maybe that same sort of re-unification might be possible with some of your former foster parents. You could put in writing the things you were always afraid to say – that you appreciated their kindness and the things they taught you – and maybe they would write back. You’d want someone super-supportive like Dr. Val at your side, to help you deal with that fear of rejection. It’s an emotional risk, but one that might pay off a lot. Just as negative memories from childhood are powerful, so are positive ones. Maybe if you connected with the people who provided some positive early memories, it would have a strong effect.
Those of you who read this blog who are foster parents, how would you feel about hearing from the kids who didn’t stay in your home – especially from the kids whose behaviors you didn’t feel you could handle? Would you write back? What would you want to say? Would you welcome them with open arms or would you feel a need to set boundaries, and if so, what would they be?
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Dana Hardaway | April 7, 2011 at 11:18 pm
I can’t find a way to just send a general comment for the whole blog, so I hope this makes it to you. I stumbled across this today and have been reading almost constantly for the past 12 hours. My son is adopted from foster care (and he has many of the things on “the list” you mentioned back in October). His mother’s story is so similar to yours that it is eerie. For the past 3 1/2 years I have tried to understand her actions. I knew a lot about her life in foster care, but it wasn’t until I read today that I really got it. It was through your eyes that I was able to see through her eyes and get a true feeling of how the actions of the foster care workers, foster parents (she was severely abused by foster parents too), judges, etc. truly effected her. Now, when my son comes to me and asks questions like, “Why did my biological mother drink bleach to try to kill me when she was pregnant”, I can explain it to him with empathy for his mother. She was so terrified of him being put into foster care and living the life she did (she has stated this before), but now I understand WHY she was so scared. Thank you. Thank you so much. I can’t put into words how much this means to me.
I also wanted to tell you that you are an amazingly talented writer. You talk about how you aren’t smart and you didn’t finish high school, but no “not smart” person could ever write the way you do. The amount of emotion you convey with words is something I have never encountered before. On top of that, you have a knack for telling a story and making it interesting to read. It is very real. That takes raw talent and most people don’t have that. I know I don’t.
You have also inspired me. After my limited experience as a foster parent with my son, I had been interested in being a CASA volunteer, but in all honesty, probably never would have followed through with. Reading about how much your CASA volunteered meant to you and how so few kids get one, I’m going to do it. Even if I’m only able to make a difference in the life of one child, it will be worth it.
So, again, thank you for sharing your story and your continuing life. Even though you say you are shy in person and that this blog is easier because you don’t have to see any of our faces, it is a very brave thing to do. You have opened yourself up to a lot of potential criticism from hateful people, yet you have stuck with it. You are getting your message out there and it is a very important one. I will definitely be following the blog and will be a huge supporter. You have opened my eyes. Thank you for that.
Dana