fuck. right now i am not ok with this world
July 23, 2011 at 2:44 am 28 comments
i write to share my experiences of life.
to show that it is POSSIBLE that fucked up kids that had horrible lives, that act-out, that do “bad” things, that have been hurt more than you can ever know, that can’t attach to a dam thing until they are in their early 20s….. can change and can heal
that just because i had every fucking label under the sun given to me AS A KID…. that does NOT mean i am a “lost cause”
…..when there are so many who disagree
what do you expect when you CHOOSE to adopt a child of trauma???
a rainbow farting unicorn? a perfectly behaved child… a child that can just “forget” their past? a “normal” kid?
comon… a hurt kid is HURT because of other people. that doesn’t go away easily… it takes TIME! it takes patience. it takes creativity. it takes trying 101 million different things. it takes more than parenting “normal kids”
don’t adopt and then martyr yourselves.
maybe it was better that i was never adopted when i read things that people write about their kids… because at least i never had a “family” that thinks that way…
… all over…. so many sharing their disgust and disillusionment about their kids .. .for the world to hear about…
maybe it was better that i was never wanted.
maybe it is better that i knew i was a LOST CAUSE from the beginning.
we are hurt kids … and we are hurt adults… but CHANGE and GROWTH and HEALING IS POSSIBLE… even small steps.
fuck. i. am. so. sad.
i wish i had a big ass farm for all the “lost cause kids” that people are writing about today. …
…. because i believe in change…. i am LIVING FUCKING PROOF
…that it can happen …
dr. val has warned me about the effects of the internet … i should listen to her.
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: abandonment, adoption, attachment, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, trauma, unwanted.
1.
michelle v | July 23, 2011 at 2:52 am
i think it’s so sad when people don’t embrace their kids for the same people we all are — fumbling through life, trying to make connections. we are here to enjoy each other, support each other, make life better for one another. everyone has the capacity to grow and change. good for u for bringing attention to this negative way of thinking. it’s not right.
we are all proud of your growth.
take care
♥ michelle
2.
Kelly | July 23, 2011 at 3:12 am
What a sad post. I have noticed that on the foster care/adoption forums there are some very outspoken individuals who feel they were “burned” and they do complain about their children.
It is one thing if you write a blog about yourself or positive issues, but I think it is distasteful to write blogs about other people including family, when it is all negative. Sad.
Hang in there LT.
3.
Crumble | July 23, 2011 at 4:21 am
I hear ya. It really bugs me when I read those things – and I did not have your experiences. Ir eally don’t understand how these parents think they are blameless and wonderful and…
Tonight I feel…
Its not just the system that is broken… It is society.
4.
Fi | July 23, 2011 at 4:26 am
Sometimes it’s like you read my mind..
there does seem to be a shortage of community support, services etc though.
in the future, you would be a very credible person to fill a gap here.
5.
Lee | July 23, 2011 at 6:50 am
I agree with you LT. My kids are not “perfect” and I love them all to pieces for who they are. I do feel kind of like a hypocrite though because my eldest daughter was removed from our house under emergency so that adoption disrupted really early on. It wasn’t our choice, we could not keep her safe and she has had to live in schools and RTC’s where she could have a really mega high level of supervision ever since. But to me she is still my daughter and I love her and we visit and we call and we celebrate her birthday and Christmas and go to awards nights at her school. I would never write that I didn’t want to hug her for instance. Those posts make me really sad too. My eldest has a disability and possibly effects from his orphanage life. His ability to show love is limited but I sure love him.
6.
Becca | July 23, 2011 at 10:10 am
I don’t think you are a hypocrite Lee. You had to do what was best for your child. You have maintained a connection–a bond with her–and hopefully she is getting the help she needs to heal from her hurts.
7.
Sarah | July 23, 2011 at 7:00 am
Maybe you have just found your calling LT. To heal yourself so you can one day go on and help heal others like you. Have you considered looking into becoming a CASA?
8.
Jennifer | July 23, 2011 at 7:33 am
Try to remember that the internet is not all bad. I know that there are people who say harmful and hurtful things, but there are also lots of people who see what a good person you are and who try to support you. Your blog is touching so many lives and teaching us so much that it is changing our lives for the better.
9.
Krista | July 23, 2011 at 7:55 am
Some people think that adoption means that the child should be grateful to be rescued from the system, and it angers those people when their child doesn’t immediately turn into a kid from “Leave It to Beaver” or “express enough gratitude” towards their adoptive parents. Those kind of folks should join reality for a while!
Sweet LT, I don’t think you were ever a lost cause, but I really like your big farm idea…maybe with some little cottages on it so kids who have aged out have their own place, but still close enough to the main house to spend lots of time with mom and/or dad?
10.
Kari | July 23, 2011 at 7:57 am
LT,
This is one of the reasons I hope you will keep writing. You give these children a voice and you help foster & adoptive moms and dads understand how the trauma still haunts them.
Thank you for your email. If you ever doubt your goodness and value as a person, think about that kindness and concern. I think you are pretty incredible. ♥
~Kari
11.
T | July 23, 2011 at 8:50 am
Amen, girl! Hang in there!!
12.
Marie | July 23, 2011 at 9:37 am
Sometimes I can get really upset that I didn’t get a proper family. But then I see biological or adopted kids — young or grown — whose parents treat them shitty in one way or another. And I see those kids struggle to accept that treatment somehow, struggle to erase the part of themselves that their parents hate, because they want to keep the family together, or they want their parents to love them, or they think they’ll be bad people if they don’t do whatever they can to make their parents happy, even if their parents don’t return the favor.
That’s one thing I gained from an unfair life that’s invaluable to me. I know what it feels like to be unloved and unliked by the people I depend on the most, and it’s not something I’m ever willing to experience again. So I don’t feel obligated to put up with shoddy treatment in the hope that I’ll be loved by them, because I know that love won’t be worth it. I get to choose my family, and I get to choose people who treat me well, always. Lots of people never get that message, never realize that it’s possible and okay to demand that the people who love you treat you like they like you, respect you, and want you around, and that it’s possible and okay to dump them and go find somebody who will do that. This means that I have less people in my life than others, but when I gain a new friend or family member in my life, they’re fucking grade A quality, because I have high standards. Like you waited until you found KC and her family, and they’re grade A, too.
I know that for myself, anger at the way children are treated is what drove me through college, and drove me into the jobs I have, and drove me into helping others. If it was something you chose to do, I think your anger and outrage could be a powerful force to drive you through an education and into work that could help teach other kids and families what you know.
And yeah, the internet can be a shitty, triggering place. It takes a while to learn how to self-select the things you can read, and how to calm yourself when you run across something you wish you hadn’t seen. For me, when I see something horrible like you’re describing, I file it away with my anger. Sometimes it gets filed away for a long time. I think to myself, I can’t do anything about this individual thing here, but I can remember this story to keep me going. I can think about and research the ways a family like that could be helped and changed. Inevitably, I find out that sometime down the line, maybe years from now, I will encounter a similar situation. And because my anger drove me into learning about it, and finding resources that can help, this time, I know what to do. Collecting stories like this is what kept me doing my homework in college when I was too tired, and it’s what keeps me answering the phone at work on days when I’m goddamn sick of the phone. Because maybe this person, or somebody like them, will call, and I can do something about it this time.
13.
KR | July 23, 2011 at 2:52 pm
“That’s one thing I gained from an unfair life that’s invaluable to me. I know what it feels like to be unloved and unliked by the people I depend on the most, and it’s not something I’m ever willing to experience again. So I don’t feel obligated to put up with shoddy treatment in the hope that I’ll be loved by them, because I know that love won’t be worth it. I get to choose my family, and I get to choose people who treat me well, always. Lots of people never get that message, never realize that it’s possible and okay to demand that the people who love you treat you like they like you, respect you, and want you around, and that it’s possible and okay to dump them and go find somebody who will do that. This means that I have less people in my life than others, but when I gain a new friend or family member in my life, they’re fucking grade A quality, because I have high standards.”
Amen. We learn love is a verb, an act – not an entitlement. You must love to be loved. There’s an entry fee to our lives. No one gets in free.
Well said, Marie.
14.
The Sleeper | July 23, 2011 at 9:54 am
Excellent post. Remember that many people adopt to fill their own needs and wants. When it is not what they wanted, they need someone or something to blame. I have seen countless parents adopt kids from traumatic backgrounds and do no preparation; research, reading, developing support, etc. Why do you think there are books about parenting hurt children?
LT, your voice is needed to counteract all the negativity out there. Don’t stop.
15.
Becca | July 23, 2011 at 10:03 am
I read the forums sometimes–in fact I found the link to your blog at one of them, so I am very thankful for that! But often I am appalled by how people go on the internet and say terrible things about their kids. It is very sad to think of a child living with people who think so little of them that they can go to a public website and speak so unkindly of them.
I have found a few very positive blogs written by people who have adopted older kids from the foster care system. These blogs talk about some of the daily struggles the families face without demeaning the kids. These people get it. They understood that they were adopting hurt kids and that they would be facing unique challenges as a result. These blogs, and YOUR blog, are what keep me going. Thank you for being such a powerful voice for foster kids LT. The whole world needs to hear what you are saying.
16.
Mandy | July 23, 2011 at 5:44 pm
Great response!! I agree!!
17.
butterflysblog | July 23, 2011 at 10:25 am
Sweet LT – you are right, honey. You are right. Keep writing, you are being heard all over the place.
– Butterfly
18.
DK | July 23, 2011 at 11:06 am
I really appreciate this post. I think there are some people that feel every child needs a forever home. That’s great for the children that want to be adopted or the ones that there are a good match for. However, I know there are times when adoptive families enter into adoption thinking ‘They won’t be that way at my house because I can love them enough it won’t matter.’ or ‘All they need is a hug and someone to love them.’ Clearly it’s not that easy it’s A LOT of work. The kids are worth it, but only if the adoptive family completely understands what they are agreeing to with it work. Which brings me to my next point there are way too many social workers that knowingly omit or falsify parts of a child’s life or an illness/condition in order to make them “adoptable” thereby closing another case.
I’m glad you are bringing a voice to this. Adoptive families need to understand that if they are looking for the perfect “Gerber” baby to adopt foster care adoption is not for them.
19.
manipulativechick | July 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm
i adopted 2 kids and yes they’re little. they were my foster kids first. i new going in that there were issues. that doesn’t make me not love them, not keep trying, not keep working toward what i want for them–a normal life.
what it does do, however, is bring me into a world of dead-tired, stress-filled, confusion-making parenting. and it’s darned hard.
i hear what you’re saying, LT. i do. your experience is yours. and i truly appreciate the honesty with which you write about it. it helps me see things from your side. but while your writing allows us into your world, it in no way lets us see your entire world. we don’t know you. we only know what we see on the blog. it’s the same thing for us. you know what we tell. just like you, we vent. just like you, we edit what we write. just like you, we don’t tell the whole story.
and we do keep trying. all of us. and sometimes when we’ve tried everything we can think of, when we hit the wall, we accept that the only choice we have left is an RTC. and sometimes even that doesn’t work. then what? we still keep loving our kids, that’s what.
i’ve heard the saying if you’ve seen one kid with autism, you’ve seen one kid with autism. i think it holds true for kids with attachment issues as well. my attachment challenged Bubba is different from other bloggers. he’s different from you. what works for him may not have worked with you at his age. and while i may vent away on my blog, it isn’t because i don’t love him. i do. beyond all reason. it’s because i am lonely and scared and need to let that out so i can continue. and God forbid, should it ever come to a place where he needs more help than i can give, i pray for the strength to make the decision that benefits HIM, regardless of what that is, regardless of what the neighbors or the blogworld says. it’s about him.
how i wish that everyone who grew up and aged out could have found a place! how i wish that someone would have loved you enough to say, “No more. You’re mine now.” every kid deserves to be loved like that. you do.
please, don’t assume that we do not love our kids. we do. we’re just doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. just like you.
20.
GB's Mom | July 24, 2011 at 6:58 pm
You said it so well. I love my kids and make commitments that I do everything in my power to keep. Where I am on a given day, is just that- that day. The love is everyday, no matter how hard it is to keep living the same thing a hundred, a thousand times.
21.
Dinah | July 23, 2011 at 2:24 pm
If only we could change that language! You are sounding strong today! Hope that you get good news on the 28th. I know you are sick of the hardware. Please email me.
22.
Steph | July 23, 2011 at 3:02 pm
I find many of these blogs incredibly distasteful. While the parents may be “venting” and looking for support, they are writing about children, not themselves. The children have no say about what is put on these blogs; some with pictures and names.
LT, you are not a lost cause. You never were. Remember that.
23.
hazy55 | July 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I think many of these blogs cast a very negative light on adoption from foster care. What service is that?
These people need support elsewhere, instead of ranting about their children on the very public internet. If they are looking for support, private blogs can work with their “circle of followers.”
Do these parents ever care what their child/ren may feel and experience, God forbid they get on the internet and find these blogs about them?
If it was about the children, posting embarrassing, private, sad, hurtful, public blogs is not helping them.
24.
Mandy | July 23, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Yes.
25.
Krista | July 23, 2011 at 8:30 pm
^^^^THIS. OMG, THIS.
26.
Loreley | July 23, 2011 at 6:19 pm
I read a few of those blog, and I think about them a lot. In general, those parents do not appreciate opinions that are not congruent with theirs, especially when they come from people who do not have the same problems.
So there is this woman with a 11-year old daughter who would keep screaming for hours on end.
How could one help them?
From the outside, it looks as if those mothers were quite rigid with their “consequences” i.e. punishments. Perhaps they need to learn first how to de-escalate crisis, before they throw their children into hour-long-tantrums.
On the other had, they say that the causes for tantrum are completely unpredictable.
So in the end I have to say: I was not there, I have not done that, so probably I don’t know what to do….
However, I am also quite shocked at their crude way of describing the children. In some cases, I have the impression that they work more from the head than from the heart, and perhaps this is what’s keeping them from getting trhough to their children in a positive way. This said, I do not think I could do any better…
27.
Foster Mom in Training | July 24, 2011 at 12:15 am
I’m proud of you for taking a stand, for declaring that you are living proof of change. You really are. I’ve seen you evolve as I’ve read your blog. You really are becoming a stronger woman. I know it has been hard, and will likely be hard in the future, but I hope you feel some peace in how far you have come. You are taking control of your life, even though it’s tough. I’m proud of you, LT. I admire your strength, compassion, and kind heart.
28.
maeflye | July 27, 2011 at 11:41 am
LT: If you ever read something in my blog that you feel is disrespectful to my kids or that makes it sound like I am becoming a martyr, please email me or comment on the blog. I know that when I am walking in a fog of pain and get overwhelmed, I’m sometimes as not as careful as I should be. I really appreciate the reminder you have given all adoptive parent bloggers in this post, even if it is hard to read…