Part II. back in time… brings blackness…

Jessie and I left the doctors office and got into the car.  My wrist and hand and arm felt really weird.  Every time I tried to move my wrist, my whole arm moved… it was like I couldnt move it by itself.  I kept poking at my wrist to see if I could feel it.  Totally weird.  Jessie had asked me if it was alright for her to pick the celebration place.  I was fine with that, because the reality is the only times I ate out were at work, fast food, or with KC’s family… so I really have no idea where to go.

We got into the car and Jessie started driving out of the town in the direction I have never really been.  I watched the big buildings get smaller. After about 15 minute, Jessie pulled into a resturant that looked like an old fashioned place and said “LT, this place has the BEST burgers and milkshakes in the whole country!   And it is a real fun place to celebrate.  Let’s go inside because it is too hot outside for me, ok?”

My eyes were as wide as the moon as I looked at this place and I just nodded my head.

Part I: getting unscrewed with my make-believe mom

This morning I woke up to KC’s mom, Jessie, calling me from the top of the stairs.  I am still in their basement since the car hit me in April and left me with a several injuries including needing a wristjack screwed into my broken wrist.  Jessie was going to take me to the doctor today to FINALLY get the wristjack off!       KC has been at “church camp” for the week, so it was just going to be me and Jessie.  KC invited me to go to “church camp” too, but I told her I did not think talking about God all week would be good for me at this point.  She laughed and told me they do ALOT more than just talk about God all week; they canoe, swim, play silly sports, go hiking, eat, cook-out, etc.  They stay in cabins and spend time with other young people.  I still said “no,” …because I can’t swim, I got the wristjack on my arm, and I don’t know anyone…. oh yeah and there is that small thing about God hating me.  With my luck, lightening would strike me or the camp and burn down the cabins…

so I just digressed….

I felt like a little kid getting ready this morning.  You see Jessie suggested we “go out” after and celebrate “wrist freedom.”  That meant I was going to get to spend several hours with Jessie, alone.  The closest thing to spending time with “a mom” I have in my life…so I was butterflies in the stomach excited and nervous.  I got dressed, attempted to fix my messy hair, and went upstairs with Shadow and Moonlight…

JESSIE:  “Good morning LT.  Are you ready for the big day?”

ME:  hi jessie.   thanks for waking me up… i could have slept all day.   yeah, im glad to get this off and get my arm back.

JESSIE:  “Well, be prepared that it might not work like normal.  It has not been used for along time.”

ME:  the doctor said it might be really stiff.  im hoping it works right away…

JESSIE:  “I hope so too LT, but don’t be too worried.  You will probably have to do some exercises for several weeks, but it will eventually get back.  You might want to grab something quick, because we have to go in about 5 minutes.”

ME:  oh wow.  yeah.

I grabbed a Dr. Pepper out of the fridge, but didnt get something to eat.  I was nervous.  The dogs had already been fed and out with Jessie, so we left.  We got to the doctors office a few minutes before my appointment.  But the one thing I have learned, like doctors in an overcrowded community health clinic, specialists are NEVER on time.  I continued drinking my Dr. Pepper as Jessie talked to me, trying to calm me down.  About 30 minutes and 2 bathroom trips later, I was taken back to the room.  I went by myself, although part of me wanted Jessie to come.  But it was better that she did not, because of all the scars on my arms.  I have done my best to try and hide them and my self-harm during my stay.   The doctor looked at my wrist, 2 xrays were taken, and then Dr. R said “Looks good LT.  Let’s get it off.”   I just nodded my head.

As Dr. R removed the bar off the screws, he said  “LT, normally this does not hurt too much.  There will be a little discomfort when I remove the screws from the bone.”             I nodded and said “no problem.“  Then he pulled out a drill and I laughed.   There were four screws.   The drill spun  slowly and removed the screws.  It felt totally weird watching these screws spin out of my bones.   The screws in my arm were fine….but the screws in my hand hurt.  Ok, they hurt.  And we all know I have a high tolerance for pain… but those fuckers hurt.  I wanted to keep a screw, but Dr. R said that they “recycle the wristjack by sending them back to be cleaned and fixed.  They can be used for 3 people and it helps to keep the cost down for patients.”  I still wanted a screw.

3+ months of wrist immobilization and guess what …  SURPRISE…. I couldnt move it at all.   It was freaky.  It almost felt like a dead branch just hanging on… dead-weight.  omg.  I tried to move my wrist and my whole arm would move.  WTF?  Dr. R said that was normal.  Fuck.  I could move the same three fingers, but my other two were stiff too.  The holes were bleeding, but he said to keep them covered and they will close.  Don’t bathe for a week to allow the skin to heal.  He gave me a splint that is gray and black that I have to wear until I see him again in 2 weeks for a follow-up.  He gave me the directions of how to contact the PT place and a sheet with some basic, beginning exercises I am supposed to do.  I really wish Jessie had been there, because I was getting overwhelmed.  Then Dr. R asked if I had any questions and I asked “nope.”  Out the door  went…

My arm and wrist and hand all felt weird.  I walked down the hallway and out into the waiting room.  Jessie saw me come out, smiled, and stood up.

JESSIE:  “How’s it feel LT?”

ME:  weird….  like um, just dead weight that aches alittle.  …  i got these directions for exercises and to call this place. 

I handed the papers to Jessie.  She looked at them, smiled at me and

JESSIE:  “How about a hug?”

ME:  …what?   who me?

JESSIE:  “No silly, the fishtank.   Everyone needs a hug after getting screws removed from their arm… don’t you think?”

ME:  ah..yeah…. i gu–ess…

Before I could say another thing, Jessie hugged me and said “I’m glad its off.  Some work ahead of you, but its uphill now.”  I just stood there, taking in the feel of her arms gently around me.  I could feel her breathe.  It was so gentle but so powerful at the same time.  It was safe.  I just let her hold on.   Then I said “you know Jessie, i wanted a screw to keep, but Dr. R said they recycle them.  it would have been cool to have it….” Jessie dropped her arms, smiled at me and said “LT, I am not so sure that is a great souvenier.  LOL.  Let’s get outta here and go celebrate!”

With that, my make-believe mom and I headed to go

celebrate my healing…

Part II forthcoming…I am still processing it.