Part IV. bawling like a baby and verbal diarrhea… brings a weekly “family” dinner

I sat at the table of the 50s cafe bawling; bawling harder than I have in a long time.  All I could think about was why I had to have SO many problems, why I had to be SO fucked up, and why no matter how hard I try and how hard I wish… MOM’S always take off.   My biomom, multiple foster moms, … and now Jessie … who was never really my mom, but closer than anyone to fulfilling that role in my life.  It is so easy to leave someone when they are fucked up…so easy to wash your hands and walk away… and it was happening again.  I was bawling.    I was sobbing.  Tears were flowing like waterfalls, snot was dripping like  maple syrup, and the sounds coming in between the tears were those of a bleeding heart in tremendous pain.  Another MOM gone…

I was crying so hard I could barely hear the world around me.  I felt lost in my sadness, stuck in my confusion, trapped in enormous pain.  As I tried to find a way to stop my sobbing, I felt a soft and gentle hand on mine.  With a slow but safe move, the hand grabbed mine and I heard:

JESSIE:  ‘LT, LT… it’s ok.  Can you hear me?”

I nodded my head yes, and tried to wipe the dripping snot, because I could feel Jessie staring at me.

JESSIE:  “LT, I am here.  I am not going anywhere.  What can I do to help you now?”

I heard what she said, but I had no fucking clue.  Adopt me?  Be my mom?  Take all the pain away?     I had NO idea what I needed… that wasnt a M-O-M.

ME:  <bawling still> …  i dunno.  i dunno.  im so sorry.  im so sorry… …. …

JESSIE:  “LT, don’t be sorry.  My gosh, sweetie, I am not upset.  I actually had a really nice time with your part, ah, Riley.  I am not scared away… is that what you are worried about?”

ME:   <shaking my head> … yes

JESSIE:  “I am not scared away.  I promise you.”

With that, I felt like the dam on my mouth broke down and gushing out came tons of verbal diarrhea…

ME:  ..im scared.  im scared…. im … gonna lose you.   .. .and i  know that is stupid … cause.. you have your family… but i .. i… really like you.   … and i have no-one and i … like you.. and KC …  im gonna go to.. my new apartment… and lose you.   i dont wanna move.  i lose everyone…. even when i dont want to…. i just want to have people, .. you.. in my life … but its over now.  …. everyone forgets me.  everyone.   …. …… you are so nice …. my god.  …..  i lose everyone… ..

There was silence except for my sniffling and sobbing…

JESSIE:  “Ohhh LT.  I should have thought about this…… You have been staying with us for over 3 months… I should have realized.  Can you listen to me?  We are N-O-T going anywhere.  You are welcome anytime.  You can call anytime.  We are here if you need us.  On the most basic level, KC really likes you.  She talks about you and your creativity and how…well… silly you are.  Which LT, I say that not to hurt you… because well, KC is silly too, right?”

I shook my head…

JESSIE:  “And Mark and I enjoy your company.  You have been a perfect house guest and helpful, even with one hand!  So, just because you are going to go back to living in your apartment, that does not mean we are disappearing.  As much as we have been a part of your life, you have been a part of ours too.  Sound ok?”

Part III. out of MY blackness… comes a child

When the blackness disappeared I was looking at a table.  I quickly glanced around to get my bearings and noticed that Jessie and I were still in the 50s style cafe.  She was smiling at me in a weird way.  I looked at the table which was covered with crayons, drawings, a plate of french fries, a cup of apple juice  with a straw, and Jessie’s milkshake.  The drawings that I quickly glanced at consisted of pictures of animals that were basically round circles with stick legs, a big sun, a house that was scribbled all black, and a big rainbow over lots of flowers that looked more adultish, for which I assumed Jessie drew.  I tried desparately to figure out what to say…because by the look of the table, a child part of me showed up…

JESSIE:  “LT?”

ME:   <silence and looking down because I was feeling so embarrassed> … yeah. 

JESSIE:  “Are you ok?”

ME:  … yeah. <pause>  …  I…I… think … I, well…see…remember…the parts…I..think…

JESSIE:  “Yes, the parts.  <pause>  I had a nice conversation with a part, I think. … and coloring too…”

ME:  oh…god.  Jessie,.. ah…i…im sorry.  i.. i  dont have control… power… i mean it just happens.  …the last thing i heard and remember was “secrets”…. i…i….  … .what time is it?…  i mean how long?

JESSIE:  “About 1 hour 20 minutes.  We have just been sitting here, talking and drawing… and eating french fries.  I did not want to leave because I was afraid you, ah, I mean, Riley, would get scared. “