Archive for August 28, 2011
i realized as i laid on the floor staring at the ceiling all day, that im not going to make it. the average life expectancy for women is like 79 years old, but i dont think i will make it.. so many years to go. i heard someone on tv say that “life was all luck” … ive had so much bad luck in my life, that if i were to continue on this path, any luck i do have, will run out shortly. cats have nine lives, people have one.
the odds are stacked against me. who am i kidding?
the reality is:
my heart feels so empty that its paper thin walls are in danger of bursting apart, with each distressed beat.
my head is screwed-up so badly that my life is filled with darkness, lost time, and confusion of the world inside and out.
i have trouble trusting and hence attaching to anyone, so creating relationships to fill my empty heart takes years… and most people don’t have patience for that.
i have been dumped throughout my life, by all types of people calling themselves “parents,” “bioparents,” “foster parents,” “potential adoptive parents” — from infancy until just recently — what the hell is so wrong with me? if there wasn’t something wrong with me, the dumping would have stopped at some time…
im tired. im tired of false hope. im tired of thinking that at some point, things will be better.
if you werent loved as a child, how can you be loved as an adult?