slap of reality … … im not going to make it

August 28, 2011 at 9:53 pm 38 comments

i realized as i laid on the floor staring at the ceiling all day, that im not going to make it.  the average life expectancy for women is like 79 years old, but i dont think i will make it..  so many years to go.  i heard someone on tv say that “life was all luck” … ive had so much bad luck in my life, that if i were to continue on this path, any luck i do have, will run out shortly.  cats have nine lives, people have one.

the odds are stacked against me.   who am i kidding?

god.

the reality is:

i am lost, like a lone seagull riding the ocean waves trying to find a fish of salvation.

my heart feels so empty that its paper thin walls are in danger of bursting apart, with each distressed beat.

my head is screwed-up so badly that my life is filled with darkness, lost time, and confusion of the world inside and out.

i have trouble trusting and hence attaching to anyone, so creating relationships to fill my empty heart takes years… and most people don’t have patience for that.

i am basically wasting fresh air… i am a waste.

i have been dumped throughout my life, by all types of people calling themselves “parents,” “bioparents,” “foster parents,” “potential adoptive parents” — from infancy until just recently — what the hell is so wrong with me?  if there wasn’t something wrong with me, the dumping would have stopped at some time

im tired.  im tired of false hope.  im tired of thinking that at some point, things will be better.

im tired.

if you werent loved as a child,  how can you be loved as an adult?

i feel so gross.  i hate everything about me.  i am so disgusting.  i look in the mirror and i want to slam my fist into it everytime.  i look at this body and i want to destroy it.  i am so slimy.  i want to pull my head off and spill out the blackness that makes up my insides.  i want it all out.

if your body is not yours, how do you get a new one?

I JUST WANT A NEW ONE

im so very tired.

im not going to make it.

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Foster Care Street being a foster kid is not conducive to normal self-care

38 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MamaMama  |  August 28, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    Oh, sweetie I am so sorry. It must be so difficult to have those feelings. I think you can like that you were able to show your pets love and to save them. You can be proud that you keep going on. You have a difficult life one that most people can’t even imagine. I am so sorry for all the pain in your life. I hope it gets better. Could you hang out with KC and Jesse? Would that help? Or take your dogs out, do something that you enjoy. I am sorry. Please keep trucking. Just one day, hour, minute at a time. Keep trucking.

    Reply
  • 2. meagain  |  August 28, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    “Depressed people often doubt themselves in all kinds of ways, but seldom in their judgment about their own interpretations of things.”

    Feel it, and let it go… that’s what I do.

    Reply
  • 3. MamatoMany  |  August 28, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    You are not a waste. You are a survivor.

    You are making your world better. The price is terrible. Your very mind, heart, and soul. But you are making the world a better place one blog post at a time.

    Be kind to yourself.

    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  • 4. Jen  |  August 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    Hi LT, just think of how far you’ve come and what is positive about your life. You have new friends in your life that care about you very much. They know exactly who you are, they’ve met your other parts, and they know that this is who you are. They care for you and like you a lot, and that’s based on knowing YOU. And, you’re a good person. Sounds kind of simple and basic, but you are really truly a GOOD person. And you’re funny, and you have very good insight about yourself and the world. And you have an amazing talent in writing, not many people can express themselves the way you can. And you are a wonderful dog Mom. And it sounds like you will soon get treatment, help or medication for whatever is making you so physically tired all the time. Things are getting better. You’ve come so far from when I first “met” you (started reading your blog around January-ish), and yes you have a long way to go, and I know it’s overwhelming, but it IS progress, and things will only continue to get better. I’m very impressed with you, so hang in there. There are also a lot of people who care about you and like you, who have never even met you, myself for one. You should be proud of the progress you have made.

    Reply
    • 5. reese  |  August 28, 2011 at 11:38 pm

      Great post Jen! Hang in there, LT.

      Reply
  • 6. Steph  |  August 28, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    You are not gross or disgusting. You were hurt and you can heal. I know you will make it. {{hugs}}

    Reply
  • 7. Splintered  |  August 28, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    I am sorry you are feeling so badly. I understand. :(

    Reply
  • 8. Sunday Koffron Taylor  |  August 28, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    I have been there…I have been tired…I have hated to see myself in the mirror…I have thought I must have used up any tiny shred of luck I may have had…I have known that the deck and odds were stacked against me…I have wanted to just lay down in a field somewhere and wait for the end.

    I am glad I didn’t and I know that someday you will look back amazed that you survived your 20s just like I do. You have so much good in front of you! You may not see it now but I see it for you…you have to trust someone or something sometime so why not let it be my confidence in you? You are a miracle.

    Reply
    • 9. Ms. E Speaks  |  August 29, 2011 at 12:47 am

      Sunday, thank you for sharing these words. :)
      (How do you make a heart on here??? (l) (L) <3 ??? :)

      LT, I understand it's another one of those days and sometimes it seems one more is just one too many, however look up "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor.

      Big Hugs

      Reply
  • 10. Krista  |  August 28, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    Dearest LT,

    I can hear your exhaustion and your pain. But believe me, dearest, that you are not a waste. You are a wonderful, generous, loving young lady who is trying to overcome a lot of hurt and a lot of difficulty in her life.

    Reply
  • 11. KimB  |  August 28, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    LT, you have grown so much since writing this blog. Your readers see it. You WILL make it. All those things you feel about yourself will get better with healing. I am sorry things are hard. Thinking of you.

    Reply
  • 12. Marie  |  August 28, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    I know it’s your opinion that counts the most here, but for what it’s worth, I think you’re going to make it. I think you’re in the middle of “making it” right now.

    I personally think the world is a better place for having you in it.

    Reply
  • 13. Ellen  |  August 28, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    Dear LT-

    1) You are lovable. I love you just from reading this blog, because you want to help people and you are so honest in sharing yourself.
    2) Your body is yours. You need to take it back and treat it well. Stop continuing the abuse that you suffered! Easier said than done, but it will come with time.

    When you learn to love yourself, you will be amazed at how people will love you too.

    Be kind to yourself. <3

    Reply
  • 14. James  |  August 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    Fight!!!

    http://www.toptenz.net/10-amazing-survival-stories.php

    Reply
  • 15. Kay  |  August 28, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  • 16. Crumble  |  August 29, 2011 at 12:09 am

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Listening, LT. And thinking of you and your fur family.

    Reply
  • 17. Cesarea  |  August 29, 2011 at 12:49 am

    LT,

    You are a kind and talented person. You make a bigger difference in the world than you can imagine, and your blog is an inspiration to all sorts of people. You articulate feelings so well, and I am positive that those feelings will get better with time, patience, and the support of people like Dr. Val, KC, and Jesse. You are a beautiful person. Your body is functional and yours and you have two feet to dance on. Your hands soothe and feed your animals and type entries that other people relate to every day. Your brain perceives complex human emotions in a way that many people truly cannot. It is worth it to stick around and surprise yourself with how much you can achieve.

    Reply
  • 18. Loreley  |  August 29, 2011 at 1:35 am

    “if you werent loved as a child, how can you be loved as an adult?”

    Yes, that is very, very hard. Some make it. I think that you need someone who shows you strong, gratuitous love, the love you deserved to get when you were a child.

    Perhaps Jessie and KC are not bad candidates to do that. At least, they showed you love when you had broken your arm and you were at their place, but I suppose that is not enough.

    Dr. Val is doing it also, but only in the limited setting of therapy.

    We readers of your blog want to do it also, but we are just virtual people for you, so we can send you thoughts of love and encouragement, but we cannot really help you hands on, the way it should be.

    Reply
  • 19. Becca  |  August 29, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Remember that your medical condition can add to those depressed feelings and mess with your mind. You will be getting treatment for that soon. Please hang in there. Get some rest, do something fun, and read and re-read all the words of encouragement you have received here.

    Reply
  • 20. zany  |  August 29, 2011 at 8:00 am

    I hope you are feeling a little better today. I haven’t lived your life, but I sometimes have many of the same feelings. I used to think I would never pass 25 and I did, then it was 30. I thought there was no way to get through my personal hell and stay alive that long. I did, I made it to 40. I didn’t think I would make 42, and I sure as hell KNEW I wasn’t going to make it through the last 6 months. I know I’m not healthy and don’t take good care of my body and have mental illness as well so I’ve said I won’t live to 65. Recently I’ve been stuck in an “I used to mode” You know, I used to be thin, I used to have nice hair, I used to be able to climb a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, I used to not be afraid to….and on and on. In the hospital I participated in all of the groups and even took notes, then I went to a partial program and did the same thing. I felt like wow, I have all of this new information and insight and “tools” to work with. Getting out of the hospital I felt I was given a second chance and thought I would feel like I had a new lease on life, that everything would be different. Things have been better, but not nearly as different and better as I thought the would be. Just the other day though, I thought to myself, physically I can probably count on about 20 more years, that would put me at 62. All of the sudden my perspective was different. I thought, what do I want to accomplish by then? Where do I want to be and how do I want to be when I go. I’ve never “gotten” it when a therapist would say, think about the things you would miss if you were gone, because I figured, hell if I’m gone I’m not going to miss it. I’ve never been able to catch on to goal setting either. I know “how” to do it, but I have a really hard time DOING it. Somehow telling myself that I have 20 years left gave me a new perspective though, not “living sucks, the depression will just come back”, dreading the next day like “I have to be alive again today”…and endless number of shitty days to deal with. That was overwhelming to me. Now I feel like I have more control. I don’t know how else to explain in. If you read this far you might be thinking that I’m totally self centered and why the hell is she doing this on my blog.

    I just think maybe you could try a similar method. 20 years is probably too long for you, but what about a year, or what about 6 months or even a month. Try to think of something you would like to do before you are gone. You’ve had a lot of “firsts” recently, are there other firsts you would like? Could you look forward to Thanksgiving and being thankful for KC and Jesse and your furry friends. What about wanting the lawsuit settled so you have some money, enjoying your new apartment, fall leaves, being able to go back to work, riding a bike again, I don’t know, just fill in the blank. I need to make it to _______Ubecause I really want to ______. A different twist on taking things one day at a time.

    Just a thought, I’m sorry this was so long.

    Reply
  • 21. Christina Thomason  |  August 29, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Ditto :(

    Reply
  • 22. butterflysblog  |  August 29, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Sweet LT – You have already made it. You’re already a beautiful caring person who has a two families of people that love you. One family is KC and the rest of the family who clearly love you, and the other family is your online family, who also clearly love you. It is true that some of the times in your childhood, you weren’t loved, and you were abused in terrible horrible ways. All of this makes you even more lovable to me and your whole blog crew.

    I think this is just the beginning, now, of only wonderful things to come for you. You could become anything you want now – you could be an advisor to the President, a lawmaker, a member of your city council, making the city safe for foster children. You are going to do beautiful things with your life; you have already accomplished so much just by educating the world with your blog.

    You are awesome.
    – Butterfly

    Reply
  • 23. Shelly  |  August 29, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Hey LT. I started reading your blog last week. And then immediately spent hours and hours researching foster care in my state. (I hope to adopt in my lifetime.)
    It’s interesting to me that I found your site when I did. (I knew you’d had blood drawn and had been complaining of fatigue.) I have Grave’s Disease too. I’ve had it for several years now..and because of my eating disorder issues (anorexia/bulimia), I struggle and fight against taking my medications. (I like being able to eat more! And I worry about weight gain if I take the meds…) It’s not healthy.
    I sincerely hope you followup with the endocrinologist. Grave’s disease can definitely make you feel anxious and worsen depression symptoms. It can also make you feel confused and irritable and cause trouble with your concentration.
    One of the reasons I think I’ll eventually adopt is because I don’t take my thyroid meds appropriately, and for me there will likely be difficulties in getting pregnant. (Grave’s side effect.)
    PLEASE go to the specialty appointment for your thyroid and get better soon. You may see an improvement in your depression if they give you meds for the thyroid!

    I also have a history of anemia too. I don’t eat enough red meat! I sure hate taking medication, but if we want to feel better – I guess we have to!!

    Also wanted to let you know I danced with my puppy this weekend. (he’s 10 months.) We danced to some Michael Jackson. I’m not sure he enjoyed it as much as I did…. :)

    Reply
  • 24. abbys_momma  |  August 29, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Listening…hope you find a little peace today…

    Reply
  • 25. Breezer  |  August 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Hey Lt –
    You said “the odds are stacked against me”

    I say the odds were stacked against you but you fought and you survived! In and of it self, that is a miracle! I would bet on you any day of the week.

    I do realize that fighting for your healing is really overwhelming at times. On these days, you need to remember at times healing is hard and it hurts. Yet, just like your wrist it does get better.

    Hang in there LT! I think you are strong, courageous, beautiful, and a survivor! Sending love your way today!

    Reply
  • 26. mealwaysasusual  |  August 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    I’m out here…Listening as well… I grew up thinking “28 is the year”. Never thought, ever, that I would make it past 28. Watched the days pass all through that year, and absolutely could not believe the day I turned 29. Lotsa years have passed. Somehow I am still here. Sometimes, I have no idea how I still am. Having responsibility to my dog makes me accountable…as does the knowledge that there are even -some- people that would feel my loss, as I’ve lost several people to their own choosing especially over the last year, and am left feeling a whole lot of emptiness. I can never re-fill that place in my heart for them, and I know there are people out there—out *here* that would feel that loss, even though at times, it’s hard, incredibly hard, to believe that.

    My mind has betrayed me. My body has betrayed me. My thoughts struggle daily with worthlessness, with that feeling of being a waste of space. And yet, there is -something- not touchable that seems to keep me here. I cling to that in my *best* moments; I cling to my dog, or simply try to zone out, or find something to focus on (anything) to keep my mind off those feelings, at the worst moments. My dog’s fur has been permeated with tears more times than he’d like.

    But…we’re still here. I don’t believe in much, but there seems to be a reason. I know one reason for you being here is reaching out to others; I know there are people out here that cling to -your- being here.

    One day, I had a moment of clarity. (just for a moment, and then I collapsed in a pile of tears on the floor…but it -was- a good moment…): I was in a “why am I here?” space. And, I thought: What if we’re here simply to enjoy the sunshine. To smell a flower when we find one. To eat chocolate now and then when we can get it.To watch the birds. To look at the clouds shifting in the sky. To smile at a stranger or just -receive- a stranger’s smile. To just see what the world has to offer us. What if even when we feel the most worthless…what if -that’s- why we’re here…and we only need to just ‘be’ us… If we don’t need to be anything else, we don’t need to justify ourselves for having “worth”…because we are worthy just because we are placed here. Sometimes, I cling to that, and it’s enough. Maybe -just- enough, but…enough.

    Keep hanging in. I am finding, as I keep living, that I’m okay just to ‘be’. I think you are, too.

    Reply
  • 27. sensiblyunhinged  |  August 29, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I don’t believe that life is luck. I think it’s a journey, and it can suck sometimes. But you have to find even the TINIEST bits of good in every day things.

    Like your animals. And KC. And Jessie. And this blog and the people that care about you.

    Sometimes you have to look REALLY hard. But it is there.

    Reply
  • 28. Rachel  |  August 29, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    I have been where you are and I know things do get better.
    It is a slow process, but you will make it. For me it took several years of good therapy, but now I am happy, healthy, and living a pretty good life. You will too. Keep hanging on.

    Reply
  • 29. michelle v  |  August 29, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    there are so many sources of intelligent information out there so don’t settle for something unfounded like “i heard someone on tv say life is all luck”. it’s incorrect.
    you have the resources to make a long and beautiful life. yours is just starting. when is the specialist appointment about your blood levels?. also check the internet for food sources for energy. try eating a bit more iron (red meat, green peas, etc)
    read something uplifting. avoid the tv. it’s not doing your depression any favors.

    ♥ michelle

    Reply
  • 30. Melissa  |  August 29, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Oh, LT, you are not a waste. You are a beautiful and special person. I’m praying for you. (((LT)))

    Reply
  • 31. complicatedwaltz  |  August 29, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Sweet LT,

    Sending you so much love. You are not a waste. You are one smart cookie and I admire you so much. Don’t argue with me! I’m right! ;)

    Really, please read all of these sweet messages from your Blog Crew out loud. I *still* think you should make a journal/scrapbook and rewrite all the good positive messages you read. I’d love to send you a giftcard for a shop to get a journal and some nice pens to write with. Eh??? You know where to message me.

    I saw this the other day and thought of you. A video from “Science Fridays” on the octopus. Check it out, very cool! http://www.sciencefriday.com/videos/watch/10397
    The octopus has developed a few wonderful coping mechanisms… squirting ink to disappear in danger, and also the ability to camoflage herself. She can match any background in the sea. And what does that have to do with you?? You, my dear, are also ingenious with adapting to and coping with your environment. Rolling with the waves and doing the best you can. And the octopus is smart! Have you ever heard about “Paul” the octopus in Germany? He guessed the correct World Cup winners throughout the entire tournament a few years ago. Pretty smart. You are, too. And the octopus is also pretty endearing, and your words are endearing to us.

    OK, one last thing. I have an assignment for you (I’m a teacher!). I want you to make a “bucket list.” A bucket list of everything you want to do before you are a wrinkled, old lady (and die peacefully of natural causes, surrounded by loved ones, at the age of 101). A bucket list of all things great and small. 101 things. Then I want you to hang up the bucket list. And then I want you to share it with Jessie and KC. Talk about it, make some plans, and start doing some things on the list. You can work in any order you wish, but you shouldn’t leave this Earth until you’ve done everything on this very long list. And don’t worry, you have a long time to finish, and lots of friends cheering you on. If you ever make it to Los Angeles, let’s go to the aquarium together and see an octopus, okay?

    Reply
  • 32. Jackie  |  August 29, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Dear LT,

    I only found your blog a few days ago, but I have read everything you have written and wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day since. Please know that you are loved.

    I see you as a person of greatness, with a heart of pure gold. You have taken the very worst of life and used it to effect change to help foster children. Most people would have let those experiences make them mean, but instead you became beautifully kind, compassionate and empathetic. Look how you saved Moonlight’s life! You “mother” your animals SO well.

    You may see yourself as “gross” but, to me (and the whole “blog crew” I’d bet), you are a heroine who has overcome incredible obstacles.

    Sweet LT, I know what it is like to feel broken. I know what it is like to yearn for a mother. It is so, so difficult, and the empty feeling is terrible.

    You asked, If you weren’t loved as a child, how can you be loved as an adult? One thing that helped me was, every day, I would wrap my arms around myself and say, I love you just the way you are. I felt stupid and corny and I cried a lot, but I kept telling myself I was worth something, even if I didn’t believe it at the time.

    Don’t worry about the next 50+ years, just try to make it through today. If there’s anything I can do– at all– I left my email in the comment box. Sorry this got so long!

    Much peace to you, beloved LT,
    Jackie

    Reply
  • 33. Foster Mom in Training  |  August 29, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    I have faith in you. :)

    Reply
  • 34. carol  |  August 30, 2011 at 4:54 am

    The Power author Byrne

    Reply
  • 35. Pat  |  August 30, 2011 at 10:47 am

    LT, your strength lies in the words you write. That you can share a lifetime of hurt and hopelessness so poignantly is amazing. Your blog helps others and underscores the need for change in the foster care system – especially in letting youth age out without a family.

    You are a survivor and you have survived more than most people could. I hope that some day you can look at your body for its strength – it endured so much abuse – still does, right? Yet it’s still going and can carry you into your 70′s – if you keep working toward healing internally.

    I think about you every day since I started reading your blog, and hoping that you have peace and wholeness. I will also be looking for ways to use your words – YOUR WORDS, LT! – to do my work in improving the foster care system, as long as that is acceptable to you. Your words are more powerful than anything I could ever say.

    Pat

    Reply
  • 36. Dinah  |  August 30, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I think that you are loved by alot of people, you just can’t feel the love but it is there. I think you were loved as a child, just not by the ones you needed to be loved by. Sometimes you feel like you are just barely hanging on, but you are doing it! Be strong or fake it until you really are.

    Reply
  • 37. SM  |  June 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Jesus loves you! You’re valuable to Him! Please, go to Church with KC’s family, or ask them about it. He can heal you. :)

    Reply
  • 38. Jacqui  |  November 20, 2013 at 5:40 am

    I’m a former foster kid too. Not sure how old you are but I can tell you things can get much, much better. email me if you ever want to talk.

    Reply

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I know that means you can't take my writing without my permission. If you do, something can happen.
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