slap of reality … … im not going to make it
i realized as i laid on the floor staring at the ceiling all day, that im not going to make it. the average life expectancy for women is like 79 years old, but i dont think i will make it.. so many years to go. i heard someone on tv say that “life was all luck” … ive had so much bad luck in my life, that if i were to continue on this path, any luck i do have, will run out shortly. cats have nine lives, people have one.
the odds are stacked against me. who am i kidding?
the reality is:
my heart feels so empty that its paper thin walls are in danger of bursting apart, with each distressed beat.
my head is screwed-up so badly that my life is filled with darkness, lost time, and confusion of the world inside and out.
i have trouble trusting and hence attaching to anyone, so creating relationships to fill my empty heart takes years… and most people don’t have patience for that.
i have been dumped throughout my life, by all types of people calling themselves “parents,” “bioparents,” “foster parents,” “potential adoptive parents” — from infancy until just recently — what the hell is so wrong with me? if there wasn’t something wrong with me, the dumping would have stopped at some time…
im tired. im tired of false hope. im tired of thinking that at some point, things will be better.
if you werent loved as a child, how can you be loved as an adult?
i feel so gross. i hate everything about me. i am so disgusting. i look in the mirror and i want to slam my fist into it everytime. i look at this body and i want to destroy it. i am so slimy. i want to pull my head off and spill out the blackness that makes up my insides. i want it all out.
if your body is not yours, how do you get a new one?
I JUST WANT A NEW ONE
im so very tired.
im not going to make it.