being a foster kid is not conducive to normal self-care
September 1, 2011 at 11:01 pm 35 comments
*R=raw and reality
dr, val believes that part of why i am so dam tired, is because i have terrible self-care. since i was so fucking tired, i listened to her and nodded alot when she talked my ear off….. but only later have i been thinking about what she said. she is correct, that i have terrible self-care based on “normal population” standards. BUT, based on growing up as an abused child and a foster kid, i believe i have typical self-care…
1) Sleep
If you have ever noticed, my blog usually comes out between 1:00 AM – 3:00 AM… because I am awake. Most people are sound asleep while I am wide awake. As nighttime comes, my internal anxiety increases. Even if I don’t shout out “I am afraid of being abused” every night, my body responds to years of conditioning. Being an abused child set the stage for being afraid of sleep. Even if it was not sleep time, when the sun goes down, “men” come home from work. When the sun goes down, it gets dark and night-time = fuck time. Being constantly on the edge is NOT conducive to sleeping soundly.
Even if I know I am not in a dangerous world anymore, my body still believes that it needs to protect itself. My body still believes it is not safe. So, when the sun goes down and it gets dark, my body wants to stay awake. This is a form of self-care. SELF-CARE learned because of my past.
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My self-care means I nap alot. Perhaps I am “sleeping my life away,” but my body is NOT used to being safe at night. Sleeping during the day feels safer. And even when I do nap, it is totally irregular. Could be 10:00 AM or my nap could be at 3:00 PM. My body can’t adjust to normal sleeping patterns, not time, not place, not length.
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2) Self-Abuse
i have discussed this both “intellectually” and personally on this blog. i cut myself, i eat poorly, i used to smoke, i used to take drugs, i drink alcohol, i call myself horrible things, etc. i abuse myself in multiple ways daily. but this is my life. this is what i know, both consciously and unconsciously. abuse from others started early in my life. my bioparents treated me like shit…maybe even worse than shit. some foster homes treated me like shit too. at some group homes i was treated like shit too. sometimes on the street i was treated like shit. it MAKES PERFECT SENSE that all i really know is how to treat myself like shit. BUT what you see as abuse, is “soothing” to me. Why? Ask the therapists…but i am sure it has a physical and emotional component.
i hate
when people assume that people hurt themselves to hurt others. i have NO OTHERS to hurt and i still hurt myself all the time. its not about YOU, it’s about US… and what is written in pain, hurt, bruises, blood, etc. on and in our bodies. in my case, part of it is probably wrapped up in conscious and unconscious self-hate. i despise myself so much… every part of me, i hate. hate. HATE. FUCKING HATE ME.
i can’t stand it when people just assume that you can stop… if all you know is being treated like shit, it is written in your heart, mind, and soul that you deserve to be treated like shit. for once in my life, Dr. Val is the first CONSISTENT person who is modeling self-love…the first consistent person in my life…and she is a fucking therapist.
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3) i dont feel pain like you
i dont. physical pain is a joke to me. when i broke my wrist which eventually needed surgery, i thought “i twisted it”… when i take a razor blade to my skin and cut deeply enough to require stitches, i dont feel it. i truly believe i could stab myself with a knife and stick it in and not feel it; i think about this frequently. i dont know if it is that i have a higher tolerance for pain because i was so abused or because i “switch” or because my brain chemistry changes such that i dont feel it. i dont know.
but what i know, is that i dont feel physical pain like you. when i lived in fucking ____ children’s home, kids used to burn each other with cigarettes or lighters or hot forks. it was a game. you were a wuss or a baby if you quit first. once i remember smirking so long that the kid that was holding the cigarette on me stopped. i never felt it. and i won. fuck that kid holding the cigarette and fuck the kid i beat. i won.
emotional pain is more complicated. sometimes i feel nothing. numb. cold. nothing. distant. numb. but sometimes the emotional pain is raw and feels so powerful that it is overwhelming, uncontrollable, and powerful. both responses are different than you. both are a result of years of abuse. numbing protects from the original feeling. but then it has to come out somehow, somewhere, at someone.
years of pain creates amazing ways to deal with pain.
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4) love, sex, companionship, and marriage…
i have written numerous times about how i never had any real friends.. part of self
-care is establishing supportative relationships. im not going to write about friendships, because i have before, but i am going to talk about love, sex, companionship, marriage, etc. yeah, hold your fucking horses, for unchartered territory. im not gay, i am pretty sure of that. i dont care if i were because i dont really understand the “issue” others have about who people choose to love, ANY LOVE IS BETTER THAN NONE, so mind your own business people if it is not hurting the person or illegal…. but i said it because it is something i think i know. i have no desire to hook up with a girl. BUT i have no desire to hook up with a boy either.
i am not going to go into my life on the streets and relationships, because i am not sure that you could ever understand street-life, but i can tell you, i have never loved a boy; never had a true boyfriend, and almost have no desire for them in my world. boys to me represent pain, hurt, violence, abuse, sex, sex, sex, and hate. dr. val tells me that “i am generalizing because not all males are like that.” i tell her “whatever, name me one that isnt.” … and then she blabs something i dont listen to. clearly i am NOT ready to go there. BUT, someone my age should be hanging with friends AND romantic interests. instead i am at t
he age of about 5-6 where i think some boys have “cooties” or maybe 9 where i would hang a picture of Brad Pitt on my wall, all starry-eyed. the stages of pyschological development include finding a companion, a love-interest, or a partner… that is not happening here.
how could it?
there has been no safe, consistent male role model in my life. i was mostly an object to be used; not loved, cared about, or cherished…the stuff that helps aid in developing a romantic life. with the exception of a few foster fathers most of my time with men was extremely damaging. doesn’t make for trusting enough to let a relationship happen. and ironically, by me staying away from boys, it is SELF-CARE in my mind… because i can’t be hurt. “generalizing” …. i know.
It is interesting to me how Dr. Val sees lack of self-care, when I see survival…
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, cutting, Foster Care, foster child, foster home, foster kid, foster parents, self care, self injury, self-harm.
1.
Lori | September 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm
LT – I get it… nothing like waking up when you can’t keep your eyes open anymore and finding some man shoving into you…. and telling you how much you will like it….. and you don’t.
2.
Last Mom | September 1, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Have you tried Remeron? I’m sure you probably have. My girl has been on it because of her sleep and anxiety issues. I’m just throwing it out there because two of the big side effects are sleepiness and increased appetite, which leads to weight gain. Sounds like those are things you could benefit from! It’s worked great for letting Princess (and her and and I!!!) sleep, but the weight gain is getting extreme for her. Maybe mention it to Dr. Val if you haven’t tried it. (Sorry if I’m out of line. I’m guessing you’ve tried every medication on the market.)
3.
KimB | September 1, 2011 at 11:21 pm
I’m glad you have Dr. Val in your life. She is a smart lady. Maybe in time as you heal, you won’t have to keep surviving. I like that you ended with a positive thought for the future. Be well LT.
4.
The Sleeper | September 1, 2011 at 11:29 pm
Wow, what you wrote makes such good sense. I am sorry that you are always in survival mode. What I pray for you is that someday your definition of self-care changes. I can’t wait to read a blog where you and KC double-date or where you stub your toe and it hurts.
5.
Laurke | September 1, 2011 at 11:52 pm
My counselor calls it “body memory” – each traumatic experience leaves its mark on our bodies, separate from the memory in our minds. Its normal -and yes, you are still just surviving, but you are making big improvements by simply realizing why you are the way you are.
6.
Foster Mom in Training | September 1, 2011 at 11:57 pm
LT, you ARE growing.
7.
Pat | September 2, 2011 at 11:17 am
I agree with Foster Mom in Training! LT, you have grown a great deal since the beginning of your blog. It sounds like you have come a long way in therapy – may not seem that way to you but you seem to understand yourself better. You have a friend. You have even recognized that some (few) men are not dangerous – KC’s dad, your boss (?) – it may seem like baby steps to you but it is progress. I pray that one day you will get to the point where you can look in the mirror and be okay with the person you see. Keep on … it will happen.
Pat
8.
Steph | September 1, 2011 at 11:59 pm
LT, I hope one day you sleep peacefully, no-longer hurt yourself, feel pain normally, and fall in love. Hang with Dr. Val and I think it will happen. *hugs*
9.
Splintered | September 2, 2011 at 12:23 am
Man, when I read what u write, I want to cry sometimes. But then I think, if u made it thru that, u are gonna make it.
10.
Krista | September 2, 2011 at 12:29 am
Dearest LT,
What you are describing when you talk about abuse being somehow soothing to you…familiarity is comforting to people. Unfortunately, what you think of as soothing is also self-destructive. It creates what’s described as a self-fulfilling prophecy, something that comes true because you believe it hard enough and often enough.
Sweetheart, you deserve so much better than being treated like shit. You deserve to be treated like a princess, like a favorite child, like the blessing you are. You deserve to be told and to be shown how beautiful and special you are. I know you don’t believe it now, but I hope that you will learn to love yourself in time.
It’s okay to not have romantic or sexual relationships. It’s okay to not want those kinds of relationships right now. And even in the future, once you’re at a point where you have lots of supportive friend/family relationships, if you decide you don’t want to have a sexual or romantic relationship with a boy, that’s okay too. You are the one in control of your body now, and no one can take that control away from you again. That’s pretty powerful stuff!
Dearest, things will happen as they are supposed to…your Blog Crew can see how far you’ve come so far, and we are all so very proud of the progress you have made.
11.
Kryss | September 2, 2011 at 12:43 am
LT,
I wanted to write I am very very familiar with the sleep thing. Now it isn’t too bad (though, I have been on sleep medication for years) but I had this terrible bed phobia, and I’d sleep pretty much anywhere but a bed and mostly during the day. I’d watch the sun come up and be out like a light after a night of extreme anxiety.
I think a huge part of self-care is realizing that you can treat yourself good no matter what other people have done. It is possible, even with years of wrong people teaching wrong behaviours.
You are right, you do have a lot of survival skills, and they have been really useful. But, self caring skills are really useful for NOW. While keeping yourself awake at night when you were younger was specifically to keep you safe, keeping yourself awake at night now makes you more tired for therapy, and makes it harder to make friends or to go out with KC and her family.
I think your ribbon is a great example of self-care that you have now. It is something that makes you feel safe that is not harmful in any way shape or form.
I’m sure over time you will be able to find better ways of self care for now, and not have to rely on the older ways of survival care of your past.
12.
Cesarea | September 2, 2011 at 1:36 am
I agree with Kryss totally, LT, and I can’t wait for the day when there’s a post about how you care for yourself based on your present and bright future instead of your past.
13.
michelle v | September 2, 2011 at 12:54 am
good that you are venturing into such topics
with the realizations come the ideas self-care can grow from. maybe you could brainstorm things that would be pleasurable to put into your life — a pretty color to paint a wall, a stack of books of your own, some flowers, nature music to play at night etc. it doesn’t have to be a money issue — wildflowers, thrift store, dollar store, etc. but just think of what your dream day to day would look like and the space you’d live it in.
♥ michelle
14.
MamatoMany | September 2, 2011 at 12:54 am
Thinking of you. You are growing. So admire you.
15.
Kay | September 2, 2011 at 1:14 am
You’re right, these techniques have kept you alive in dangerous situations, and your “parts” are part of this “self-care” as well. It makes sense that it’s not easy to change to a different way of “self-care” even when you’re no longer in danger. IMO, good goals to work toward with Dr. Val are getting enough sleep, lessening or stopping the self harm, and developing supportive friendships. They should absolutely come before any “boy stuff,” so don’t let anyone tell you that you need to worry about that right now–or ever, if that’s not what you want.
16.
Lynn | September 2, 2011 at 1:16 am
As everyone already said, you are making so much progress to realize and think about these things! Congratulations on that! You are growing before our eyes. I know you can make it through this.
17.
Fi | September 2, 2011 at 1:49 am
thankyou for sharing these very deeply personal thoughts
18.
hazy55 | September 2, 2011 at 1:55 am
LT, you are really working hard in therapy because you reflect on issues that arise. You are growing. For kicks, go back and read some of your early posts about Dr. Val. You will see the process working! Thinking of you.
19.
Tanja | September 2, 2011 at 2:16 am
Dr. Val knows that you are still in survival mode! All she wants to do by saying these things is opening up a gap for something new that might replace the survival mode with something less destructive.
When the time is right, you will be able to replace one after the other of those self harming.
I would like to bring something up again, i did that a while ago. Did Dr.Val mentioned something about DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy) yet? It deals with many things, but how to stop self harm is one big thing. Because, I understand that sleep will take a while to get to normal. relationships with boys, it is so understandable that you look for anything but that at the moment and possibly for a long time if not for ever. But the self har part, this is the one that might be the first you will eb able to takle.
It is the one behaviour that gives you short term relieve, you learned that long ago, it still helps, that’s why you still do it. but there are ways of breaking this habit. With DBT, you can learn different coping skills, when something comes up that upsets you so enormously that the only thing you can think of is cutting to get some relieve, with the DBT skills, you can replace the cutting with something, less harmful to your body and soul.
Please talk to Dr. Val about DBT, or do some research to get an idea what it is, there is tons of information online, youtube videos. It’s learning distress tolerance skills.
You act the way you do because of your past. It’s about accepting and understanding yourself and your behaviour. This is the past. The future lies ahead of you. Try to believe that you are able to change things in the future. It will take a long time, but ut us happening every day. I can see it too from reading your blog for a few month. You can’t see it, because you are in the middle of it, but others see it.
You are as worthy as everyone else. the past didn’t show you that, but the future will!
You can do it, you are so very strong to be where you are now. I believe in you, now you have to start believing in yourself.
20.
James | September 2, 2011 at 3:30 am
It is important that you heal.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Healing_Forgiving_and_Overcoming_Abuse.html
Peace
21.
Becca | September 2, 2011 at 7:57 am
LT, you developed your survival/coping skills over time to protect yourself. Likewise, you will learn new ones to replace the old ones over time too. One thing that struck me is that you wrote you used to smoke and you used to do drugs. That means you’ve already given up 2 of your old “self care” habits. You are healing LT. Slowly over time, but it is happening. Thank you for sharing.
22.
Jenn | September 2, 2011 at 9:59 am
you have amazing insight, LT. thanks for sharing it with us.
23.
abbys_momma | September 2, 2011 at 12:28 pm
listening
24.
MamaMama | September 2, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Extremely interesting. The way you feel and why you act the way you do is difficult for others to understand. This really shed some light on why people would act a certain way. Many of the situations you have related before seemed very similar to how I have felt. This post shows the depth of your pain and what you do to prevent more in your life. Keep trucking, LT.
25.
Frannie | September 2, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Thank you for sharing this. You are really growing in your thoughts, behaviors, and maturity. All your effort will pay off one day. Hang in there!
26.
Dinah | September 2, 2011 at 3:26 pm
I guess that all your care has been self care. Wish that you could let someone else care for you for awhile, without worrying about it.
27.
Crumble | September 2, 2011 at 6:42 pm
It makes me angry that we live in a world where someone has to stay up at night so that they are safe. Or has to harm their physical body in order to cope with what has happened.
I am sorry that in order just to survive that you had to do these things that may be causing you to be tired etc now. I am proud of you for surviving what has happened (I know you may not be grateful at times, but I pray that one day you will be).
But it greives me that you had to do these things. That they still affect you now.
I wish there was a faster way to heal – but I am amazed that you have come so far (I know it may not seem like it) so quickly (but I know it doesn’t feel quick when each minute is 60 long seconds.).
But you have a friend, and Jesse, and Dr Val. You choose to move to a better appartment.
I know finances are still a worry, and your accident injuries are still hurting.
I think the settlement – for the first time in your life – will give you money in way that you can make choices that were out of reach before. I know it was a horrible way to have this happen, but I think the settlement will give you ‘options’. And options can bring hope and healing, and a new phase of life, LT.
Thanks for sharing this blog. I have learned so much. (I am actually still thinking about the Sesame Street analogy… Man… That one was just dead on for me.)
28.
Amy K. | September 2, 2011 at 8:35 pm
You explain some of this stuff so well. I struggle with a lot of those things and it’s helpful to know those are “normal” responses other people really do experience.
I notice you refer to the opposite sex as “boys”. I do too. It’s safer.
29.
Marie | September 2, 2011 at 10:10 pm
I also used to have a lot of self-destructive coping behaviors. They still creep up on me now and again. When I cut myself, I had basically the same script every time — I planned how I would do it, I controlled how it was done, I knew exactly how it would feel, and that was really extremely comforting when there was nothing in my life that predictable or safe. That was something I owned entirely, from beginning to end. But then I’d think, this is the only thing I have that I like, that makes me feel safe, and how fucked-up do I have to be for that to be the truth?
The best thing my therapist ever did for me was give me permission to be proud about my coping mechanisms, no matter how self-destructive they were. I felt so much shame for having coping mechanisms that were so fucked-up, and I felt shame for knowing I preferred them, found them easier, more comforting. I mean, I’m sure you know how it is to get that look from people when they find out you’re a cutter — what kind of person prefers that to, I don’t know, taking a jog or talking with friends? I felt like no matter how much I changed my behavior, inside I would still be the permanently ruined person, just born wrong somehow.
My therapist told me I should be proud that I found ways to comfort myself, and that they worked so well for so long. I identified a problem, and I fixed it. That’s a strength. And once I let myself feel that, I really was proud. I had come up with some really creative and clever things sometimes, and creative and clever ways to hide what I was doing from others when I didn’t feel safe to disclose.
I had always felt like that was the strongest part of me, because it was the part that nothing and nobody else could touch. I could always retreat to my little island of “well I’ll just go home and cut myself then,” and nobody could be a part of that, no other human being could affect me as deeply as I could affect myself.
Now, what I take away from all that is that nobody can give me what I need but me, and I am better at it than anybody else. I have a strong mind, a smart mind, a tough body, and an intuitive sense of what I need to survive — and I have the cleverness to get it. That makes me feel safe, like I can trust myself to know what I need, and that trust helped me find new coping mechanisms.
It’s funny that Dr. Val said that to you recently. On your last post, I was actually just thinking about how good you were doing. I mean, obviously you were sad as hell, but I can’t think of anything nicer I could do for myself when I’m that completely sad than curling up on the carpet with some pets and snacks. That you knew that was your safe space shows just how good you are at knowing what you need and finding a way to provide it. That’s not to say that it wouldn’t be good to find other ways to cope, and that junk food or isolating yourself from the world won’t get problematic if that’s all you’ve got (the key is to give yourself options, but not force or damn yourself to pick any one way of doing things), but I thought you were providing yourself some pretty good self-care there.
30.
Patty W | September 3, 2011 at 12:29 am
LT, you have grown so much just in the time of this blog. I have great faith that your self-care will grow too. Thinking of you.
31.
Another Voice | September 3, 2011 at 1:10 am
checking in
32.
tikunolam | September 3, 2011 at 2:48 pm
I think you are right, your habits are about survival. The thing is, those are old habits that you developed to survive a reality that thankfully is no longer your reality. So, you are free to change your habits now to adapt to your new realities. Sleeping at night is no longer needed for survival but your brain has not caught up to that yet. But it will.
33.
RW | September 4, 2011 at 2:03 pm
1. LT, can you sleep at night if all the lights are on or does that not fool your body into thinking it’s not night? Have you tried setting an alarm to wake you up every hour or two? Maybe that would help you sleep sounder in between? It’s a very tough association to break between sleep and danger. I think some people with that association manage to sleep okay if they have a trusted person or animal touching them or nearby. Maybe certain sounds in the background could keep a person reassured while they’re asleep.
2. The other day I saw a woman in short sleeves with horizontal scars all up and down the inside of her left forearm. Her right arm had none. I knew that she had recovered from self-harm, or she wouldn’t have had the bravery to show her scars to the world. I thought of you.
3. I wouldn’t be surprised if your pain nerves and your brain were re-wired to handle the abuse that you were subjected to from such a young age. I know somebody who was abused with burning from a young age, and now cannot feel heat on her skin like other people. Normally, pain is a sign of danger that warns us to take care ourselves by avoiding whatever is causing the pain. But the body adapts to a situation where it is impossible or even more unsafe for you to get away from pain. There is a rare birth defect where kids are born without pain receptor nerves. Like them, you need to learn to compensate for your lack of this “alert system” by using other cues to figure out how badly you are injured. You already know how to do this with the deep cuts, as you have described the feeling of the edges coming apart. Maybe Dr. S. can give you some more ideas when you next see her.
Actually, “normal” people often need hints like this, as serious medical problems often don’t feel that bad. Like hot, pink/red and puffy means an infection. Or red streaks under the skin that lead away from a cut means blood poisoning and you need antibiotics right now! I once broke my arm and just thought it was a bad bruise until it didn’t get better for a week and didn’t look like a bruise.
4. Before you can enjoy being in a romantic or sexual relationship with anybody, you need to stop hating your body. Once you get comfortable with caring for your body, in both the practical meaning and the emotional meaning, then you might be ready to think about your sexuality and re-claim it from the associations with abuse and pain. Some people do this after getting involved with a romantic partner, b/c otherwise they would put it off forever, but that also opens you up to feeling pressured, if only in your own mind, to do stuff you’re not comfortable with. There are quite a lot of resources out there about how to learn to enjoy sexuality after abuse.
Then you need to get more practice having emotionally close relationships with people, without any romantic component to complicate things. That’s something you’ve been making great progress with, but you are just getting started and don’t feel like it’s a normal part of your life yet.
If you were ever to feel comfortable having a boyfriend, you first would need to get comfortable with lesser degrees of trust and contact with boys/men, like friendship, being able to be alone in a room with a trusted male, ditto when it’s dark, etc., etc. Definitely an area to approach with baby steps.
I think you’re right to keep the sex/romance dimension of life off the table for now. You have much more basic things to focus on at the moment, and they’re taking up all your energy and time.
34.
Tossed Asidr | September 19, 2011 at 11:38 pm
Sweet, sweet baby….I know all the feelings you describe. Two things I’ve learned are -
1. I will not allow the evils of bastards define who I am.
2. I will not allow their evils to infect my life today.
When you allow the aforementioned to happen you give them control. You weren’t in control then which is scary but today, at this moment you are in control. Don’t allow them to paralyze your from achieving the greatness that’s inside you!
You are worthy of love from others and yourself. I don’t know you in the physical sense but I know who you are and I love you! Believe it or not but its true.
You’re doing amazing things with this blog and it helps others as well as you. Keep fighting, you’re always going to be surviving but you do not have to be a victim…I promise!
35.
melissa | October 25, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Boys do have cooties. You need to focus on YOU right now. Be with people who aren’t mean to you. Take care of your dogs and kitty. And yourself. going to the Dr and doing the things they say is huge in taking care of yourself.
You said something about God in another post, and here’s my thought on that. Yes, I believe in God. I don’t know why some people learn about God earlier than others… but I do know that EVERYONE has problems and many have their own personal hell (at some point or another)regardless of whether they know God or not.
The people in your life should have protected you,not hurt you. Believing in God doesn’t keep bad people from doing bad things.
People suck. Not all people, mind you. But a lot.
Finding a friend is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE first step in your life. I know it is very scary, but you should be proud of yourself.
And treasure your friendship and take a little piece of that “i must be a f*ck up, no one loves me” off your plate… replace it with the knowledge that you can love and be loved, because that is what friendship is.
Melissa