ah fuck…to be a duck.

today i took Moonlight and Shadow to the park, because if i didnt leave my apartment, i would have killed myself.  we went down by the lake.  normally i do not go near the lake, because it is usually packed with people and i like to be alone, but today there were not too many people in the park.  both Moonlight and Shadow were thrilled because they could run in and out of the lake as needed while i sat on my ass in the grass.

there were TONS of ducks hanging out.  white ones, grey ones, big ones, little ones, ones that had beautiful blue-tipped feathers… and some geese i think cause they were loud.  at first Shadow chased them, but eventually she got bored; plus some of those big honking geese are mean as shit.   In general, Moonlight could care less about the ducks, except for possibly considering eating one.  i decided as i sat in the grass watching these ducks, that ducks have a kick-ass life.

have you ever watched alot of ducks together?  really watched, for hours.  it is really quite beautiful the way they live, interact, and “be.”  it was very clear that there is a society of ducks, just like a society of people.  there were ducks chasing each other in friendly ways, ducks chasing each other in pissed off ways, ducks walking together, ducks talking, ducks going into the lake together, ducks sleeping together, ducks eating together… you get the picture.

how do i know that there is some type of society, you ask?   at one point, Shadow came running out of the lake and one of the white ducks let out a loud “HONK.”  at that point, all the sleeping white ducks woke up at once.  it was fucking amazing.  the duck safety officer alerted the others of impending danger.  Shadow at that point was more interested in coming over to “shake” stinky lake water on me, but the ducks were still on alert because she had been chasing them earlier.

so, as i sat in the park for hours sleeping and watching ducks, i became fascinated watching two particular ducks; one large white duck and a little duck with blue-tipped feathers.  let me tell you why…

Little duck with blue-tipped feathers

this little duck was a duck i had never seen before.  it was beautiful and there was a group of them in the park.  but the one i was watching was all alone.  the little duck was running in and out of the water, eating, sitting, and walking around alone.  the rest of the ducks that had blue-tipped feathers were under the trees further from the lake.  but the duck i was watching had no-one.  i wondered why he/she was alone.  i felt alot like this little duck and could feel my heart strings tug as i watched the lone duck living outcasted amongst the society of ducks…

White large duck

the entire time i sat in the park and my dogs ran around, there was one large white duck who sat in the grass, beak straight ahead, eyes closed… looking in complete peace.    this duck looked like it had reached enlightment… a buddha duck.  every once and a while, this duck would gently open its eyes, blink a few times, and close them again.  it was mesmorizing. i could feel calmness radiate from this duck.  other ducks walked by, ran by, brushed the buddha duck, but the duck just sat.  the duck didnt jump out of fear, fly away, be afraid…just calmness.  i want to be like this duck.  My life is completely opposite of the calmness of the buddha duck.

i laid in the park for along time watching ducks and hanging with my dogs.  for as long as i can remember, i have felt like the little duck with blue-tipped feathers; alone, confused, an outcast, surviving, and sad.  i have never felt like the white duck.  as i was getting ready to leave, the little duck with the blue-tipped feather flew away… alone.  the white duck opened his eyes, blinked, and went back to being at peace…

i’m tired of flying away too…

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