dying dreams may kill the dreamer
January 6, 2012 at 9:42 pm 43 comments
today i laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling. no tv. no radio. silence. i was waiting to die. i closed my eyes many times, but it did not happen. i pictured the ceiling falling on me. i imagined a massive heart attack. at one point, i imagined my dog Moonlight mauling me to death.
im tired.
its not tired like “goto bed earlier or get more sleep” because the reality is, i nap all day. its tired like “ive had it, im done, i cant simply go on” tired.
im tired 
of being an island, with occasional tourists… and many who don’t want to visit
im tired of not having any direction, because i have no support, no money, no life… to really make one happen
.
im tired of having questions about me or life, that i really need a mom for; and struggling to decide whether to ask my therapist
im tired of the self-hate, self-harm, self-destruction, self-survival
im tired of not having….. a family, money, things, fun, ….. a childhood
tired.
what are my dreams?
i dont know. i really dont. i am beginning to think i dont have any now… that i just walk through life “existing” until… … …
all i ever really dreamed of was a family to call my own. a family that loved me and wanted me. a family to have some connection that is mine. at first it seemed possible. but at age 9, th
e dream was slipping away. by age 11, the dream was gone and reality set in; no-one wants to adopt an old kid. at age 18, the dream died as my ass was kicked out the foster care door.
the street became a family; but it was just like the other families i had experienced… , rejecting, abusive, hurtful, and hard. the streets dont really want or love anyone. like with all the families that passed through my life, the streets were about surviving them.
when dreams die… where does that leave the dreamer?
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: adoption, aged-out foster kids, alone, death, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, no family, suicide.
1.
Christina | January 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Dear LT,
I really don’t want you to give up. I crave for you to feel the love, comfort, and happiness you deserve. I know it’s so hard, exhausting, and complicated for you to just survive, and I feel like it will always be somewhat difficult for you to live in this world. But I want the best for you, and it’s only starting to happen for you through KC and Jessie. Now does not seem the time to give up. I’m 33 and the road to happiness has been hell-ish but the small rewards have made it seem worth it.
Take care of you.
Sincerely,
Christina
2.
Iris | January 6, 2012 at 10:24 pm
i’m on youtube t1000iris. if you want to communicate privately, pls. let me know. you’re me, 20 yrs. ago and there are things i could talk to you about. if you’re up to it. i posted it last year & then tried to forget about it because i crashed afterwards. but it’s there so you can see me and if you feel like talking, i will. i’m a a stay at home mom so i’m available.
3.
Rhiannon | January 6, 2012 at 10:27 pm
LT- I found you blog today thanks to Last Mom. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and memories. I admire your strength even if you can’t see or feel it. I hope reading your blog will make me a better foster Mom. Prayers being sent your way.
4.
abbys_momma | January 6, 2012 at 10:47 pm
listening
5.
bec | January 6, 2012 at 11:34 pm
Don’t give up, LT!
Hope this foster care success story inspires you:
http://www.fostercaremonth.org/SuccessStories/FosterCareAlumni/Pages/JanivaMagness.aspx
And this:
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110512/NEWS01/705129922
You’re not too old to give up on your dream. Never, ever.
Don’t lose heart. When you imagine yourself injured or dying, just tell those thoughts to go away; that was the old you. The new you is on to better things now. The new you can do 1), 2), 3)…. (you fill in the blanks.) When you start thinking about your past and what you wish you had, tell that voice to go to hell because all it wants is to debilitate you and cripple you. You may not have what you need now, but that can’t take away your future and destiny. You’re too busy moving on to better things than to listen to that garbage.
In terms of career and money, start working from the bottom. If you want to be a writer, start working as a clerk or filer at a magazine or newspaper or web journal. If you want to be a chef, start working as a prep cook or waiter. If you want to be a nurse, start working as a medical assistant at a hospital. Etc. Start anywhere that pays you, give your all, ask questions, learn, listen to your boss, put in extra hours, and you will be move up before you know it. Make a resume (let us know if you need help) and search for jobs on craigslist.org or indeed.com.
And while on the subject of income, I actually feel like you should put up banners on your site and generate a little money for yourself that way.
Anyway, get better soon. When your thoughts/feelings/memories make you feel bad, turn them off and kick them in the ass. Best wishes.
6.
Linka | January 6, 2012 at 11:50 pm
I hear your anguish, LT. I hear your tiredness and feelings of futility. You have been depressed most of your life, and it is indeed exhausting. And nothing helps, does it? I know this is a long comment, but hang in there with me, okay?
Perhaps a key could be that the way you “language” your dream needs to change. Can you let go of that dream, as it stands, and re-frame it? Can you release the dream? Perhaps you can’t find a family because you keep saying “I don’t have/can’t find a family. No one wants me”. I firmly believe that what we say and think influences what life brings to us. You keep sending that message to the universe-”I don’t have a family, I can’t find a family, no one wants me.” How can anyone “want” you when you keep saying “no one wants me”. when you say “I can’t find a family”, you are giving the universe/God/whatever higher power might exist the message that you can’t, and it keeps getting reinforced.
Have you ever heard of positive affirmations? Years ago, I saw a show about it on a talk show. The speaker (who, I can’t remember now) said that when we want things, we have to “think as if”, and send THAT message out to the universe/God/etc. I thought, “oh, yeah, this will work” (read this sarcastically, lol). So, to call the guy’s bluff, I started saying an affirmation “I am a perfect size thirteen.” The speaker said to say it over and over, to write it down on index cards and stick it all over the place, because that would give the brain even more stimulus. To say it many times a day. So, I did, maybe forty times a day-sometimes reading it out loud from a card, reading the one taped to my bathroom mirror as I brushed my teeth…I had cards stuck everywhere. And every time my brain saw one of the cards, it stimulated my brain, even subconsciously, to think the affirmation. I would say it six times in a row changing the accented word each time (ex: “I am a perfect size thirteen-emphasis on “I”, then, “i AM a perfect…, then i am A perfect…” etc) I changed NOTHING ELSE in my life. I continued to drink 3-4 cans of soda (not diet) a day, ate what I wanted to (lots of fast food,vending machine food, and junk food), and did not change my level of exercising, which was literally non-existent anyway. I had to discipline myself to do it every day. In three months LT, I had lost THIRTY POUNDS. Doing nothing but saying the affirmation. It worked! Later, when I left my husband, he became verbally abusive, and it would reduce me to jelly and ruin my days (we had to connect everymorning for childcare reasons). So I started saying and reading “I am calm and centered in the face of conflict and negativity.” Over and over and over. In THREE weeks, I could face the jerk, as he continued to verbally and emotionally abuse me, and wonder of wonders, it did not upset me any longer. I stopped reacting to it. And never again has he been able to upset me with his garbage talk. I use affirmations all of the time now, and my dreams have come true. Not always as fast as the one with my ex did, but they come true. I have learned to be patient, and that things happen when they are meant to.
Since then, I have learned an additional technique which, considering your uncertainty about God may be hard for you to do, but…here goes…Instead of saying the positive affirmations, I now state my blessings in the form of statements of gratitude (which are still positive affirmations). Even if they have not happened yet. Everynight I pray before I go to bed, and I thank God (BTW, MY God is not the mainstream Christian God) for my safe travels on the road (I drive over 30,000 miles a year in my job), for my cozy Bittersweet Cottage (I never dreamed I would own my own home),for my abundance, for my good health and mental health, for friends, my pets, a great boss and a great job…and they are all realities in my life, now, whereas five years ago they were not.
Keeping your focus on what you don’t have is keeping what you want from coming to you. Try positive affirmations/gratitude statements. What harm can it do? If you must test it, make it something simple like “I am happy and content with my life.” Try this for three months. Yes, that seems like a long time, but when you loook at how many months you have lived (since you are “20 something”, I will estimate at least 240), 3 months is only 1/80th of your lifetime-miniscule, no?
Notice how positive the statement is, and it does not say “I want to be happy…”, it says “I am happy…”.
Dr. Val will tell you, I am sure, that to grow, and heal, you have to accept where and who you are with no negativity. This affirmation “I am happy and content with my life”, will help you do that.I would have Dr. val help you develop any more affirmations so that you frame them in the most positive ways possible. Blessings!
7.
Foster Mom in Training | January 6, 2012 at 11:51 pm
Never give up, LT. You are incredibly strong. Hang in there and know that we are listening. ((hugs))
8.
MamatoMany | January 7, 2012 at 12:13 am
Thinking of you. Always.
9.
Cesarea | January 7, 2012 at 12:13 am
You didn’t die, and I’m so happy. It’s OK not to have a direction in life! I seriously hope you can find something that makes you really happy soon. Until then, please hang on!
10.
Ross | January 7, 2012 at 12:26 am
LT. please don’t give up, you are very strong and amazing, you need to enjoy life. I hope you find a way out and live the awesome life you deserve.
xoxo
11.
Mel | January 7, 2012 at 12:29 am
I can totally empathize with this post.
The trick is to keep fighting, even when it seems everything is garbage, because sooner or later, things start looking up.
Hang in there. I know you’re a fighter.
12.
khankin | January 7, 2012 at 1:24 am
thinking of you a little bit every day…and that’s only ME! you’ve got all of us thinking of you a little bit every day. Use our positive energy to your benefit <3
13.
Cookie | January 7, 2012 at 1:32 am
Hi L.T.,
I believe in you. We, your blog crew, are your support, along with Dr. Val.
Please, don’t give up, L.T. We care about you and we care about what happens to you. I don’t want to reveal someone else’s life on here, but I know someone who got her family years after she aged out of the system.
Things will get better. Maybe not today, and maybe not this week, but they will get better. If you had a mom, she would tell you that a great many people in their 20s struggle with their future, and try to figure out “who they are” and what direction things will go for them. It sounds like you are doing the same, but with the added shit of being abused, and having no family. It’s not fair that you’ve been saddled with so much…you have a lot of extra stuff to deal with…but things will get better.
You are a beautiful, strong, smart woman who deserves her own family, and I believe that it’s still a possibility for you. Hang in there, L.T. Your readers care about you and support you.
Respectfully,
Cookie
14.
shelly | January 7, 2012 at 5:06 am
I’m just here to say don’t give up. It saddens me to know that this is how you feel. I’ve felt this way too. But it will get better. At least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.
Also sidenote: did you put this post on yahoo answers as well? If not someone stole your post.
See here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120107004015AAut4ID
15.
LooneyTunes | January 7, 2012 at 11:56 am
thanks. someone stole it.
16.
Staci | January 8, 2012 at 5:28 pm
what a shitty thing for someone to do. Kharma will get them. LT, you are a wonderful, gifted, generous eloquent writer.
you are in my prayers and I admire and appreciate you very much.
17.
Becca | January 7, 2012 at 7:31 am
Sorry things are feeling bad right now LT. Hang in there one day at a time.
18.
Living Day by Day | January 7, 2012 at 9:35 am
As I have been saying in the past…you have to live second by second, minute by minute, and day by day. You have this outlet because you are serving a purpose. Your posts are making a difference. Keep your chin up LT. Your furbabies…and us need you!
19.
caroline | January 7, 2012 at 10:28 am
I hear you. Things will get better. Hang in there LT.
20.
grace4them | January 7, 2012 at 10:46 am
I sent a reply and it was visible late last night, around midnight, and I saw it in the feed, but now it’s not there. Was it deleted?
grace4them
21.
LooneyTunes | January 7, 2012 at 11:50 am
yes i deleted it.
.
1) you basically started your comment by calling me a fraud.
it does not take a genius to use google images or yahoo images to find pictures for blogs. i spend HOURS looking for pictures that reflect what i write. you clearly did not read my blog about how difficult “smart” things are for me, but how if asked to write about my life, it just “comes to me.” i am writing about what i feel and experienced… about me.
.
i cant write an essay about the USA but i can write about my life.
.
you also did not read my blog becuase if you did, you would know that i am artistic. i cant add numbers or tell you about presidents, but i can draw .. and am extremely moved by art and music.
.
i have been blogging for years, NEVER asked for a penny or anything from anyone. i try to offer advice and tips for people. i don’t take anything. i have been offered money, clothes, food, money, sneakers, money, etc. NEVER took nothing. a fraud would have taken and left by now. i have been offered tons of shit and NEVER NEVER NEVER taken anything, even when i had no food, no money, nothing.
read my blog and see what people have offered. and the responses i have given….
.
.
2) then after implying i was a fraud, you told me how god and jesus love me.
really?
.
.
your comment hurt and if you read my blog, i made a decision that i now delete comments that hurt.
22.
Becca | January 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Good for you for deleting that hurtful comment LT. Sorry it hurt though:(
23.
Splintered | January 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm
I wondered about that comment, when I saw it last night. Glad you deleted it. I hope you are feeling better today. ((LT))
24.
Cookie | January 7, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I’m also glad you deleted it. And holy moley it must be hard to open yourself up here on the internet and get hurtful and/or ignorant stuff said to you.
Thinking about you, L.T…..
25.
bec | January 7, 2012 at 1:37 pm
This is off topic, but I hope you change your mind about setting up a paypal account to accept monetary gifts, an email to accept giftcards, or at the least, banners for web traffic for pocket change. There is nothing fraudulent about that (fraud = deceptions made knowingly on people who rely on the deception). People want to give, not because they pity you, but because it is a way to connect with you and ultimately take partial credit for the many breakthroughs you will have in your life
26.
ella | January 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Haters always hate. Sorry, but many Christians are arrogant. It is bad, even Jesus hates this attitude.
27.
Lisa | January 7, 2012 at 8:26 pm
I’ve been meaning to tell you that I LOVE the pictures you use for your blog. You can tell that a great deal of effort and thought goes into your selection. You are very creative.
Speaking of which, I think your position of not taking anything is very much your choice and for honorable reasons, but I also think you might want to revisit that position from time to time. You are providing a service and services get paid for all the time. Your life’s history has not given you a great opportunity for thriving in the typical job world, especially as you work through your struggles. What it has given you is a powerful story and priceless insight. The Internet gives you the opportunity to use your amazing talent and sad experiences for the benefit of others.
I have spent hundreds, actually probably thousands, of dollars on books related to human behavior, motivation, disorders, inspiration, etc., etc., etc. I, for one, would be more than happy to pay to read what you write and/or would totally support you earning money from your blog. Just food for thought.
28.
grace4them | January 9, 2012 at 2:33 pm
I am SO VERY SORRY to have hurt you. I am more insensitive than I realize!!! I was only trying to say how impressed I was with your ability to communicate. I was not calling you a fraud, just poor word choices on my part and I humbly apologize! It’s not about me, anyway – it’s about you and most people like me (a very old lady!) have not seen or know much about the after affects of such horrendous abuse — the world has become such an evil place in my lifetime. I think I said WHOA to those people who did what they did to you….you didn’t ask for it and didn’t deserve it and they have hell to pay for what they’ve done. I could just unsubscribe and never read it again, but don’t think that’s what should happen. Your presence is to help educate people like me…I’m glad you are here, and responded to me, to let me know where I’d missed it. I am new to your blog and it’s hard to read it. Again, forgive me.
29.
Melissa | January 7, 2012 at 10:52 am
I think you should ask Dr. Val any questions you have. I’m sure you could ask Jessie too and she would be happy to answer and help. Are you still getting treatment for your thyroid? You are in my prayers every day. (((LT)))
30.
YW | January 7, 2012 at 11:39 am
Dont’ give up don’t give up don’t give up – I hear my zumba teacher saying it, keep moving keep moving sometimes you think this is it I can’t go on but you gotta dig deep.. dig deep LT, please keep dreaming! I am hoping and wishing we can help you somehow; you tell us how and I know we will. Maybe with connections to try to get you a job, or with donations, or like another blogger wrote: with adds to generate some money. Your blog is growing, and so are you LT. I just know it.. Just keep being you, with all you have been through I can imagine you feel this way.. but please look into the future. think, dream. besides a mom right now what do you want ? What would you like to do. maybe you can make money with some online jobs, some surveys will pay you, might not be much but might help you focus on getting some money in the bank and you will see you will have a great 2012 I really feel it, I hope you feel it too! LT You are amazing – keep blogging, get on your feet and keep moving..
YW
31.
ella | January 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Please please stay alive, I want to see the other side of the story. I pray for you a lot, and I hope I can see you achieve your dreams. I believe God hear our prayers, it just matters of time. Everytime you feel tired,,please think that you are still here for a reason. Stay away from razor LT, I mean it. Stay away from suicidal thoughts. Keep writing. Go on….see all of us cheering you?
32.
ella | January 7, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Err.. how if you do baking? I just bake pinch cake/spider web cake, here is the recipe, the blogger blogs about food vendors in my country. There’s a reason, too why l want you to stay alive. One day, you can go to my country, l will take you eating around. I am sure you will be happy, because our food is so good. Can’t wait for that day to come =) while now, try to do the baking and dont think about bad things, okay? I tried this recipe and it is so good.
http://selbyfood.blogspot.com/2011/07/tukang-kue-cubit-pinch-cake-man.html
33.
ella | January 7, 2012 at 3:25 pm
The ingredient is easy to find. The pan l use is muffin pan, in family dollar it costs 6 dollars, i covered the pan with aluminium foil, it is only 5 minutes in the oven(350 degrees).
34.
The Sleeper | January 7, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Last year was a rough year. Alot happened. You have reason to be tired. Things will get better LT.
35.
Mary | January 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm
You are a Precious Soul and a Beautiful Survivor….I’m not surprised that you are exhausted from working through the intense issues facing you…Please trust me when I tell you it does get better…Keep close and often contact with Dr. Val, and don’t forget your medical followups….Your thyroid problems can also zap your energy…Try to to do at least one loving thing for yourself everyday…Honor yourself for the struggles you’ve survived, and the Precious Soul and Beautiful Survivor you are….Talk to Dr. Val about joining or starting a support group…You’ll be amazed how helpful they are…And keep hugging that Awesome Furry Family of yours often….Shine On Sweetheart!…
xo
36.
Eirwyn | January 7, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I’m so sorry, L-T. I found your blog via the blogroll of Why You Shouldn’t F*ck Kids, and I’ve been reading a while. I think it’s a miracle you’re alive, and that you’re such a compassionate, caring person. I can’t say as to whether or not things will get better, but it looks like they have, at least a little bit. You have a nice apartment, and KC and Jessie, and Dr. Val. I know that doesn’t mean the pain should just be “gone” by now, but it does mean things could keep getting better. Hang in there, okay? By just sharing your experience, you’re letting other survivors know they’re not alone, and you’re making it harder and harder for more privileged people to pretend people like you and situations like yours don’t exist. I hope you feel better.
37.
butterflysblog | January 7, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Sweet LT – when I found at that my husband was actually a transgendered woman, I got seriously tired. I pretty much slept and cried for three months. My point is, you’ve been through an anonymous maze of truly terrible things. Any one of these things were enough to tire you out, and you lived through all of these things. Of course you are tired. “Rest if you must but don’t you quit.”
Your whole blog crew loves you and is cheering you on.
-Butterfly
38.
Jessi | January 8, 2012 at 12:24 am
Oh, don’t give up! I just found your blog about a month ago and I am learning so much as we begin our own foster parenting journey.
You have SO much to share with the world…you will (and DO) touch many lives! (have you ever thought of writing a book?).
I hurt for you…that you feel so alone and unwanted. I realize that it’s not the same as real life people being there but know you have tons of us who come here that read and care about you!
You are an incredible person and your heart is beautiful. Don’t ever give up on your dreams, LT! So many of us believe in you!
39.
Fiona | January 8, 2012 at 6:38 am
Dont give up, LT! You have survived too much, come too far, to let life kill you now. you don’t know what it’s like to LIVE. And you DESERVE to. Your words are changing the world, a little bit at a time, but that change is like ripples on a pond if you throw in a stone – they keep on going. There ARE kids who will be a LOT better off and safer because of YOU..
Look at how far you have come, when you find yourself despairing. You truly are a fighter, a survivor, and so so special. xx
40.
Lynn | January 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm
LT, I only read occasionally. I am truly sorry for the pain that you feel. And NO ONE can tell you to leave it behind. You have been through so very much. You are entitled to feel exactly as you do. There is a great reply to this post about letting go. As a survivor myself, and no it was not the foster system that did me in but my own family, I want you to know that reply has a lot of wisdom there. I quit holding onto my pain and decided that my life and my heart deserved better because I had walked through my own fire and came out crispy on the other end. But I earned happiness. I learned that I could have all those things you wish for. As I wished for them too. You can have the happiness LT. You can and I think everyone who follows you wants you to reach out for it too. Draw some lines in the sand my friend. Don’t accept anything but the best you deserve my dear. I live the life I want now because I deserve it LT. My kiddo’s, both with traumatic pasts, I tell them that too. Yep, its bad where you came from, and god I wish they had NEVER felt the pain they did, but we can always have the best in our worlds. We just have to make it better, no one can do that for us. No one. You probably know what I mean by this. You can’t rely on anyone but you right now to make that happen. It was never easy for me either. Some days I still see more dark than I should in my world. But it’s truly up to me to make it better. To find something that drags me out of it. For me its usually this odd, mismatched family that I brought together. My hope for you is that you find the strength to let your heart let go of the familiar and demand that scary world beyond the one you know. Because you deserve it. Much love in my thoughts for you.
41.
butterflysblog | January 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Grace4them obviously doesn’t recognize true grace, which is what you have, Sweet LT. Grace does not imply that people are liars, nor does true grace proselytize (that means trying to get someone to believe in your religion).
Also, I am thinking about the stolen Yahoo posting – I wonder if perhaps this girl was feeling so low, too low to even form the words, and your post said perfectly how she was feeling? People reach out or cry out for help in so many ways when they are hurting. If that is the case, how freaking amazing are you!?! Your writing was so perfect that it was exactly how someone else felt!? Yet another way that you are amazing.
42.
Krista | January 8, 2012 at 1:07 pm
You are such a strong, beautiful, caring person. Please don’t give up, dearest LT. Things *are* getting better for you — granted, the changes are taking place very slowly, but you *are* growing and healing and making positive decisions for yourself.
I believe in you, LT. Your Blog Crew believes in you. Moonlight blieves in you. Shadow believes in you. Harbor believes in you. KC believes in you. Dr. Val believes in you. Jessie and Mark believe in you.
Hold you head up high, dearest. You are doing so much in your life that you can be proud of.
43.
michelle v | January 8, 2012 at 7:12 pm
ask your questions you’ve been holding on to to dr val and/or jesse. ask dr val if you can spend a session dreaming with her to get all your dreams you haven’t realized yet out. on your own, you could make a collage with old thrift store magazines and dollar store poster paper/scissors and glue stick as to what your dream life would look like — place to live, occupation, people around you, what you would read, wear, watch, and eat. it’ll be a positive start. your life is waiting for you to live it more fully.
♥michelle