fatty tumor

I walked to work today to use the phone, because my phone is still disconnected and I needed to call my vet.  Last week, my dog, Moonlight, went to the vet because she has a lump on her side.  The vet took some liquid out of the lump with a syringe and sent it to the lab.  She told me it would take 7-10 days for the results.  I arrived at work and I called, but my vet was in a room with another patient.  The vet tech said she would call me back shortly since she was almost done.

I waited in fear and sadness, hoping that Moonlight would be ok.  The phone rang and I picked it up…

ME:  “hello?”

VET:  “LT?”

ME:  “hi, Dr K, it’s me. “

VET:  “Hi LT.  How’s Moonlight?  … I tried calling you a couple of times, but your phone is disconnected…”

ME:  “yeah, sorry… i know.  i gotta fix that.  … sorry..  did the test come back?”

VET:  “Yes, the needle aspirate results came back and its good news.  Moonlight has a fatty tumor…”

ME:  “……is that cancer?”

VET:  “No.  It is a benign tumor, not cancer.  Many geriatric dogs get them.  We need to watch it, but we will leave it alone for now.  You know it is a big risk to put Moonlight under because of all her condition and all the medications she takes, so we will just let it be.  If it gets bigger or starts to bother her, we might have to take another look.”

ME:  “.. so its not cancer.. right?”

VET:  “Right.”

ME:  “whew, im really glad.  thanks.”

VET:  “I’m glad too.  Call if you have any questions.”

ME:  “thanks for your help.  bye.”

We hung up and I left  to go home and take a nap; this week has been over-the-top.  As I was walking, I felt overwhelmed with questions… Why is it  a tumor but not cancer?  Why does Moonlight have a fatty tumor… she is not fat at all?  Why does she keep getting these weird things?  Why does all this stuff happen to her?

Then I felt overwhelmed with feelings as I recalled that my vet referred to Moonlight as “geriatric.”  I know why she does that, I do… but it hurts.  My settlement will provide money that will let me care for her without worrying now… but…

All the money in the world can’t make Moonlight any younger.

All the money in the world can’t make Moonlight be with me forever.

All the money in the world can’t stop my dog from getting old and dying.

…  and …

All the money in the world can’t make me live without her…

non-deserving

I just kept sitting there in the law office.  I could feel Jessie and my lawyer staring at me, even though I was staring at the floor.  I was still spinning and my head felt very clogged.  My head was so crowded that I could not make out one thought.  I felt very surreal.  I couldn’t feel my body except for the power of my slowly blinking eyes as I stared at the floor.

Jessie lightly touched my hand and said something like “LT, why don’t we go get something to eat and drink and talk for awhile.”  I looked up.  They were smiling, I was sweating.  Jessie got up and hugged my lawyer… they were acquaitnesses before, so that was a normal.  She told him that we would call back.  I was still sitting.  I almost couldn’t move.  She knelt down and said “Comon kiddo, lets get out of here.”  I shook my head and stood up.  Nothing more.  The walk to the car and the ride to the restaurant were silent.  I was struggling with my feelings.  No words could come, but I knew what I was feeling…

I felt BAD.

I felt BAD because I did not feel I deserved a break.  I felt BAD because I did not feel like I deserved “happiness.”  I felt BAD because I was about to get more money than my biofamily probably ever had.  I felt BAD because was I being bought? … like a whore?   I felt BAD because I can barely manage the small amount of money I live on, let alone now this.  I felt BAD because nothing “good” is supposed to happen to me, because I am a piece of shit…   I felt BAD because  … because I am a BAD person and I don’t deserve GOOD.

We got to the restaurant and I just followed Jessie in.  I wasnt hungry and I wasnt thirsty… I was BAD.  We sat down and Jessie ordered an ice tea unsweetened for her and a large dr. pepper for me.

JESSIE:  “Overwhelming, huh?”

ME:

JESSIE:  “LT, do you what to tell me what’s on your mind?  I thought maybe you might be happy with the settlement offer.  What’s up?“

ME:  “ahh.  um.  <pause>  i just…. just .. i mean the settlement is good… i  … guess.”

JESSIE:  “You guess?  Were you thinking more?”

ME:  “oh no.  i…. didnt even think that much.  i didnt even realize how much it was.  <pause> .. its not the money… i mean its the money… its….”

JESSIE:  “Oh, I see.”

I swirled my straw in my dr. pepper and watched the ice hit the side of the glass.

ME:  “i…. i … feel kinda… scared.  i mean, its lots of money.  i cant even keep my money and bills straight now… ..  what do i do with that money? “

JESSIE:  “LT, we can work it out.  Once all the medical bills are paid, we will take the remaining money and figure out what to do.  The lawyer’s office could arrange it or we could.  KC’s dad and I do not want to intrude if you do not want us involved, but if you do, we will help.  What do you do with the money?  LT, it makes life a little easier for you.  For example, instead of working 60-70 hours a week, maybe you work 30 hours and take a class at community college, an art class, or adult night school.  You have money if you need food, money if you want to buy something special for yourself, go to the movies… do things that young people do… see?  Some goes into savings, and maybe some into a pet account for Moonlight, Shadow, and Harbor.  See?”  

ME:  ” Jessie?”

JESSIE:  “Yes LT?”

ME: “…. well… and. ….

JESSIE:  “Yes?”

ME:  “… and … <pause> … i feel really bad too.  i dont think i should get that money…. “

JESSIE:  “Oh, I see.  Why do you think that LT?”

ME:  “…dunno really.  um….  maybe i dont deserve anything good? …. i just feel really bad… thats why i was quiet … i mean, im supposed to be happy, but im not.”

JESSIE:  “LT… look at me.  You DESERVE lots and lots of good things.  You DESERVE good things in your life.  Maybe even more than most people do.  There is a backlog of good things you need to cash in on.  This settlement is a start.  You deserve this money because someone hurt you.  Someone hurt you.  Money doesn’t fix everything or take away the experience, but it might help you have an easier life for a little.  You deserve that, don’t you think?”

ME:  “…… …… i dont know.   i really dont know….”