non-deserving
January 20, 2012 at 12:09 am 41 comments
I just kept sitting there in the law office. I could feel Jessie and my lawyer staring at me, even though I was staring at the floor. I was still spinning and my head felt very clogged. My head was so crowded that I could not make out one thought. I felt very surreal. I couldn’t feel my body except for the power of my slowly blinking eyes as I stared at the floor.
Jessie ligh
tly touched my hand and said something like “LT, why don’t we go get something to eat and drink and talk for awhile.” I looked up. They were smiling, I was sweating. Jessie got up and hugged my lawyer… they were acquaitnesses before, so that was a normal. She told him that we would call back. I was still sitting. I almost couldn’t move. She knelt down and said “Comon kiddo, lets get out of here.” I shook my head and stood up. Nothing more. The walk to the car and the ride to the restaurant were silent. I was struggling with my feelings. No words could come, but I knew what I was feeling…
I felt BAD.
I felt BAD because I did not feel I deserved a break. I felt BAD because I did not feel like I deserved “happiness.” I felt BAD because I was about to get more money than my biofamily probably ever had. I felt BAD because was I being bought? … like a whore? I felt BAD because I can barely manage the small amount of money I live on, let alone now this. I felt BAD because nothing “good” is supposed to happen to me, because I am a piece of shit… I felt BAD because … because I am a BAD person and I don’t deserve GOOD.
We got to the restaurant and I just followed Jessie in. I wasnt hungry and I wasnt thirsty… I was BAD. We sat down and Jessie ordered an ice tea unsweetened for her and a large dr. pepper for me.
JESSIE: “Overwhelming, huh?”
ME:
JESSIE: “LT, do you what to tell me what’s on your mind? I thought maybe you might be happy with the settlement offer. What’s up?“
ME: “ahh. um. <pause> i just…. just .. i mean the settlement is good… i … guess.”
JESSIE: “You guess? Were you thinking more?”
ME: “oh no. i…. didnt even think that much. i didnt even realize how much it was. <pause> .. its not the money… i mean its the money… its….”
JESSIE: “Oh, I see.”
I swirled my straw in my dr. pepper and watched the ice hit the side of the glass.
ME: “i…. i … feel kinda… scared. i mean, its lots of money. i cant even keep my money and bills straight now… .. what do i do with that money? “
JESSIE: “LT, we can work it out. Once all the medical bills are paid, we will take the remaining money and figure out what to do. The lawyer’s office could arrange it or we could. KC’s dad and I do not want to intrude if you do not want us involved, but if you do, we will help. What do you do with the money? LT, it makes life a little easier for you. For example, instead of working 60-70 hours a week, maybe you work 30 hours and take a class at 
community college, an art class, or adult night school. You have money if you need food, money if you want to buy something special for yourself, go to the movies… do things that young people do… see? Some goes into savings, and maybe some into a pet account for Moonlight, Shadow, and Harbor. See?”
ME: ” Jessie?”
JESSIE: “Yes LT?”
ME: “…. well… and. ….
JESSIE: “Yes?”
ME: “… and … <pause> … i feel really bad too. i dont think i should get that money…. “
JESSIE: “Oh, I see. Why do you think that LT?”
ME: “…dunno really. um…. maybe i dont deserve anything good? …. i just feel really bad… thats why i was quiet … i mean, im supposed to be happy, but im not.”
JESSIE: “LT… look at me. You DESERVE lots and lots of good things. You DESERVE good things in your life. Maybe even more than most people do. There is a backlog of good things you need to cash in on. This settlement is a start. You deserve this money because someone hurt you. Someone hurt you. Money doesn’t fix everything or take away the experience, but it might help you have an easier life for a little. You deserve that, don’t you think?”
ME: “…… …… i dont know. i really dont know….”
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: accident settlement, aged-out foster kids, bike accident, depression, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, low self-esteem.
1.
The Sleeper | January 20, 2012 at 12:25 am
Jessie is a very smart lady!! You definitely deserve good things LT. People treated you badly, you are not bad. I am glad Jessie is in your life.
2.
abbys momma | January 20, 2012 at 12:35 am
The truth is LT that money is neither good or bad and it does not make you good or bad. It’s just a tool. Like a hammer can be used to build a house or smash a window.
I’m so glad that you have someone as smart and as level headed as Jessie to help you out a little. She is very smart about emotions and how things can be good on one hand and somehow awful at the same time.
3.
Cookie | January 20, 2012 at 1:14 am
I like this – that money is neither good nor bad, it’s a tool. Excellent way to think about it.
4.
Crumble | January 20, 2012 at 2:24 am
I like that analogy too – money is just a tool.
And you do deserve good things – you are NOT bad. Look at what you have given us – free of cost. (You have even refused all offers of money or goods…).
What you have given me is worth more than I could ever give back. I can’t explain how much I have learned, and how it affects relationships in my life, because I am able to see things that I could not see before… And I am better able to understand how my actions will be interpreted, so I am better able to act appropriately.
You are good. And I am thankful for this blog. And you do deserve very, very good things. Lots of them. (I am sorry about how you got the money, but not sorry at all that you are getting the money!).
And, perhaps more valuable than the money, you have a solid friends – and I am really thankful for their role in your life.
5.
Splintered | January 20, 2012 at 1:01 am
LT, u deserve good things, u really do. As my T says,”turn the records off in ur head, they are playing the wrong tune.” Listen to the positive messages from Jessie and ur blog crew. You deserve good!! ((LT))
6.
Cookie | January 20, 2012 at 1:13 am
You most certainly are NOT bad. You had bad stuff happen to you, but that doesn’t make YOU bad.
I hope you can see the beauty in yourself — and GOOD that you are — that all of your blog crew see. And it seems to me that Jessie is a nice/good woman and if you really were bad, why would she make that wonderful offer to help? Because she sees that you are NOT BAD, that’s why.
Oh LT, I wish I could erase all the bad thoughts that cloud your self esteem. I’m thinking about you as you work through your thoughts.
7.
jimm | January 20, 2012 at 8:19 am
Cookie’s right. You’re no more bad than the rest of us here and you deserve what anyone else deserves – compensation for your lost wages and suffering.
Anytime you’re feeling like a “bad” person, read the local news section of the Chicago Tribune or any other major online newspaper. You’ll see plenty of examples of real “bad” people, not that you haven’t already.
You’re not like them.
8.
Mary | January 20, 2012 at 1:15 am
Jessie is absolutely Correct, LT….Please accept her advice and her help…My Heartfelt Wish is for you to Believe….Believe in yourself, and your journey to Joy…You Deserve!….It’s Your Time to Shine Sweetheart!….
xo
9.
ella | January 20, 2012 at 1:16 am
It is bad if you did make yourself hit for a purpose. We have many people did that in my country; they pretend as if our car hit their motorcycles and so on. It is bad.
But, you are not. You were hit because the car’s owner fault. You can’t work, you get depressed and you get the wristjack and lots of pain because someone being careless. Now you get settlement. I think it’s fair. It is to compensate your bill. Do you want to pay for something you didnt intend to have? On the other hand, it teaches the driver to be careful next time. If not, he will stay careless. How if there’s another victim, who died perhaps. You get hit is a serious warning for him. I am sure next time he will be careful.
I also once got hit by a drunk motorcyclists. Wasn’t as bad as you were but l got compensation, too. From my country, l got $200, my campus also gave the same amount, the one who hit me came to visit me in hospital and gave me $150. I got 550. To pay hospital $200. So I got quite a lot. I know it is small here but it is big amount in my place. I am okay with that, why should feel bad? I never asked to be hit. Besides, the motorcyclist tried to run away from the scene, so I didn’t feel sorry for him. These people need to learn the consequences.
If I were you, I will ask Jessie to manage the money. She knows more because she has more wisdom than us. If l were you l will fly directly to Disneyland, and whuushh it’s all gone in second. Donate some for foster kids. Don’t feel bad about your biofamily, okay. You may save some, though if you want. Send some gifts to your brother. Just show you care, even though he is still hard to reach. Just my suggestion, though.
10.
bec | January 20, 2012 at 3:38 am
It’s probably better if LT has control over her own money to maintain boundaries, but I agree that Jessie could be very helpful in helping LT plan out how to budget and manage the money over the course of the next few years.
11.
ella | January 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Yes, it is her own money, but lt has some parts who might also want to spend the money, too.
12.
Cesarea | January 20, 2012 at 1:29 am
I’m so sorry you are feeling bad about this, LT. I hope that you will come to see this money as a good thing that you deserve. I agree with Jessie– you deserve it because of all the bad things that happened as a result of the accident. It’s a normal transaction– routine insurance company business. This guy cost you money, and now you will get whatever people believe the right amount is back. I hope that you will come to see the money as an opportunity to feel safer in the world and do more things that you enjoy.
13.
Jodi | January 20, 2012 at 1:33 am
You are worth more than any amount of money. There are tons of us who would have cherished you if we would have been blessed to be your mother. I’m so happy you have KC and Jessie on your side. I think of you often, as I’m sure many others do too. XO.
14.
Linka | January 20, 2012 at 1:56 am
Oh, LT, ((((hugs)))))) and XXXs and OOOs (appropriate, healthy ones).
How this must be scaring you.
There is a price to this miracle before you…Karma is calling your bluff…”OK, LT”, it is saying. “Here I give you the opportunity to have what you have said you wanted.” Those old monsters are still hurting you LT. They will have their final victory if you cannot let go of the idea that you are bad… and unworthy…and non-deserving…
It is Quantum Leap time LT. Do or Don’t time. Scary, overwhelming, screaming time…
The wounded, the oh, so wounded child in you is going to have to decide that she can let go of the untruths that sick individuals and oh so terrible life experiences have wired into her brain…and jump off into that scary unknown land of love, and abundance, and gentleness, oh, but that that could be gone in an instant…no, it is safer to hold on to what she knows, even though it hurts and leaves her constantly wanting different…
I see this as a tremendous opportunity for healing for you, LT. In accepting the settlement, and accepting the support, love, guidance and encouragement of Jessie, Mark, KC, Dr. Val (are you still mad at her, when do you go again?), and accepting the support and wisdom of your blog crew, and finally, your lawyer’s advocacy, you can move along the healing path and accept that you are good, you are worth something, you deserve all that life can offer…not accepting,not letting go and holding on to BAD, the monsters win. Don’t let them win. YOU win this battle. You survived the bad,alone. You will survive the good! We are all behind you, supporting you, providing you a safety net, a sounding board, anything you need. You are not alone any more…Can you trust all of us? Can you take that leap??? Let go….. Blessings…(((hugs))))
15.
Ross | January 20, 2012 at 1:57 am
LT please don’t be hard on yourself. Yo deserve many good things. You are not a bad person, to the contrary, you are the best person I have ever known. You feel overwhelm right now, but I hope soon you can enjoy some of the things you haven’t been able to in all these years. LT don’t feel bad about the money, you really deserve it and please by the best bike you find!! you deserve it also!
PS and please post a picture of your new awesome bike!!
16.
bec | January 20, 2012 at 3:26 am
Hi LT, maybe it’s a good idea to ask Jessie how she would budget the money over the next few years. She seems like a practical lady with that advice to you about working part time and going to school part time. A lot of the money will go to your current and future medical expenses so you’ll need to know how much you can actually afford to spend each month.
As for your feelings about your self-worth given your new situation, I hope you can share your thoughts with Dr. Val. You know that we see you as a valuable person worthy of good things, but in the end the only opinion that matters is yours. It’s something you can discuss with Dr. Val.
17.
Tanja | January 20, 2012 at 3:31 am
I can understand why you feel the way you do! It is totally overwhelming for you. You are not used that things turn out that well, as in the past, you had so much trouble, then your health, then monetary problem. This is something new to you!
Be gentle with yourself, take some time to get used to it. Think, having met KC and her beautiful family was something new to you, to experience their generosity. and now, you kind of got used to get their support. They are part of your life now.
In the future, you will have more and more moments where things turn out well! And you will get used to that too.
It doesn’t help to tell you that you diserve it, you have to believe it first. Week, maybe it does help! When so many people, your blog crew tell you that, Dr. Val, Jessie, everyone, then maybe, int he back of your mind, you allow a little bit of doubt into your thoughts of nondeserving. Our thoughts ar not always our best friends, you know. They trick us sometimes, they want us to believe something that is not true. Don’t always believe your thoughts!
You deserve every cent of that money!! And it doesn’t matter who has less than you.
Now its the time to get some quite moments in your life. You can pay off all the bills, pay back KC’s parents (this will feel sooooooo good!), and then, maybe with their help, work out a plan of what to do with the rest.
But for now, take deep breath, and try to relax into this moment. You will be just fine, just allow yourself the time you need.
18.
pajanguin | January 20, 2012 at 3:41 am
Heya, LT–
Man, that must be a helluva lot to take in. I’m really glad to hear you’re catching a break with the money, though. You how people sometimes talk about “throwing money at problems”? Well, there are a number of problems that money can help to solve.
Two types of money-solvable problems come to mind:
- education/skills
- security
Security involves things like having pet insurance for Moonlight and Shadow and Harbor, health insurance for yourself (so that if/when you have to see the doctor again, you don’t have to pay all of those costs yourself), some type of security system for your apartment, and things like that.
The education/skills stuff is really, really the best, though. In particular, this money will help you afford (if you want to do this– it’s fine if you don’t) to pay someone to help you with your reading issue. There are doctors and specialized therapists who work with people who have that exact same issue, and they can really, really improve things. If that’s something you’d be interested in doing, Dr. Val would probably have an excellent idea about who could help you with that.
In a related vein, you might also be able to afford to hire a tutor to help you fill in the gaps in your education. People tend to learn things a lot quicker when they can work one-on-one with a tutor, because the tutor can focus all of their attention and expertise on their student.
If you think you might like to go to college, doing both of those things could help you out immensely. Not only would you be going into college on a stronger educational footing, but you’d also probably gain a lot of confidence in yourself and your ability to do well in school.
You’ve probably already gotten tons of suggestions on how to use the money that’s coming to you, so sorry if any of this is stuff that other people have suggested. You don’t have to do any of the stuff people have mentioned if you don’t want to. This is just something to consider, if you haven’t already.
((hugs!))
19.
Ranger | January 20, 2012 at 3:47 am
I bet this is terrifying, but hon I’m so happy for you! Maybe you’re going to get to feel a little less scared all the time if you have the money right there to pay bills and buy food. I’d love that to happen for you {}
20.
YW | January 20, 2012 at 7:01 am
wow if anybody deserves this it is you, please see this as a big turning point in your life, you have great friends in KC and her mom that I am soo so happy about.. please open up to both of them about you, your feelings.. after this sincks in I truly hope you see that you are not bad ! You are sooo not bad.. all the people that hurt you, that should be in jail – that is bad.. they hurt you and caused pain that has lasted your life time, so far. and have caused you to feel like this, that you are worhtless, It hurts me to read that.. that they so brainwashed you.. that you deserved to be hurt by then because you were bad.. try to step out of that feeling.. try to leave all that in the past and look ahead.. somebody told me once you can not move forward if you keep looking back….
think about it
and move forward – you got a bright bright future, a fun one, with much much love coming you way.. all to catch up on what you have been lacking.. please have Jesse help you to help you with the money and to help you keep you safe ! She sounds awesome and patient and sweet. happy Friday LT Your word of the day is GREAT
you are not bad your are GREAT a Great person GREAT GREAT GREAT !!!!!!!!!!!!
21.
Kari | January 20, 2012 at 7:14 am
You deserve good things, LT!! I’m glad you’ll have this money to help make your life easier. I think it would be wise to have someone help you manage it. I know you are a kind and generous person but please be careful about people who ask you for money, OK? This money is for you to take care of YOU (and the fur kids!) ~Kari
22.
mjae37 | January 20, 2012 at 7:31 am
LT — Virtual hugs coming your way. I can only imagine the many emotions that are flooding you right now.
It makes sense that it feels bad to you, everytime in your childhood when you should have been getting love and good things, you got bad things instead. Your brain just doesnt know how to deal with the good stuff. But the good news is with Dr. Val’s and Jessie and KC’s help, you can begin to put good experiences in place of the old.
Give yourself some time to adjust. Im excited to see what new paths your journey will take.
23.
MamatoMany | January 20, 2012 at 7:37 am
Thinking of you.
24.
Beth | January 20, 2012 at 8:59 am
hugs to you LT – you do deserve good things. I’m glad you have someone like Jessie to help you. Let her help you figure out how to handle the money. You were never taught how to handle money, take care of bills, etc. These are things kids usually get to learn as teenagers and young adults. She can help you learn these skills.
25.
Foster Mom in Training | January 20, 2012 at 9:09 am
((hugs)) You are deserving of happiness, LT.
26.
KimB | January 20, 2012 at 9:35 am
LT, you deserve good things, good times, and good memories!! Take the money, use it to help you grow, heal, and be a kid at times. You deserve it.
27.
butterflysblog | January 20, 2012 at 10:32 am
Sweet LT – this post brought tears to my eyes. You have had so few good things happen to you that when they do happen, you are unsure how to take it. The one thing I have noticed about all abused children is that we all seem to think we are worthless pieces of shit, unworthy of love, time, attention, etc. But when we ask people that really know us, they think we are the most worthy.
I think you are the most worthy, LT.
- Butterfly
28.
michelle v | January 20, 2012 at 11:00 am
kay, i get your feelings of undeserving goodness. have been there. so thrilled you have jesse to work through it with. she is a treasure, right up there with KC.
can’t wait to see your dreams come true and you going to college to be an artist or a social worker with an art therapy bent or something.
♥ michelle
29.
MamaMama | January 20, 2012 at 11:42 am
Everybody feels that way at times. I know I do. I am glad you have Jesse. I hope you buy one nice thing just because. It would be cool if you did take a class. Start with just one. I am happy for you.
30.
Another Time | January 20, 2012 at 11:55 am
As I read this I had one of those tiny smiles where you know something good is happening, but also knowing how it makes you feel LT. I’m happy you were able to vocalize your thoughts to Jessie, who had great answers. I’m glad you trust her LT. I like her idea of school, too. You mentioned a while back about college, right? KC could be your college/university mentor if you decide to take a class.
Sorry you don’t feel so great about the settlement. But it is good, and it is probably better you didn’t have to deal with a trial. I went through that and it was a pain.
31.
Breezer | January 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm
LT – I am so excited for you. I agree money isn’t everything, but it sure makes life easier. I hope you get a car and get a chance to start some college classes. I also hope you treat yourself to some new things. Any thing you have dreamed of having.
You are amazing and deserve the best life has to offer.
I am really happy for you.
32.
caroline | January 20, 2012 at 4:34 pm
I get what you are saying, but these are old messages from the past. You deserve so many good things. You deserve a good life.
I hope you talk with Dr. Val so that maybe you can feel better about the money and yourself. {{hugs}}
33.
Krista | January 20, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Jessie is such a wise lady — I am so, so glad you have her to lean on and talk to when you feel overwhelmed like this. You are a kind, gentle, good person, LT, and you deserve wonderful things like the wonderful person you are!
Thinking of you, LT.
34.
bluejuliej | January 20, 2012 at 8:08 pm
You do deserve good things! The suggestions to use money as a tool to get you security and skills are wise; jessie’s suggestion to help get you set up sounds good too!!
Ps you could splash out on a couple of uber-squeaky toys for shadow and moonlight in the meantime:-) the fancy kind, made of super tough fabric so they can spend ages getting to the swisher. My hound lives them!!
35.
pajanguin | January 20, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Heya, LT–
A friend of mine just posted a link to this article on Facebook, and it seems relevant to your current situation. So, if you’re interested, here’s the link:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-5-stupidest-habits-you-develop-growing-up-poor/
36.
meagain | January 20, 2012 at 9:38 pm
When people win the lottery, they advise them to put it in an account and not spend it for 6 months. You can always do the same. There is no rush to decide anything. You have a wonderful opportunity…take it by the horns and hold on.
37.
Amber | January 20, 2012 at 10:24 pm
I wish you could use that money to buy some self esteem and self love. You so need to learn that you do matter, and you are a good person, and people like you. I’m a huge fan, and I think about you often, and always remember to ask God to do something good in your life to shock you! I hope the money is just the beginning! KC’s friendship is just the beginning. I can’t wait to see what happens next! Girl, go do it! Do what your heart tells you! Love you girl! You probably don’t believe me, but I do. You stole a piece of my heart that day I stumbled across your blog!
38.
K Et Al. | January 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm
LT, you’re an amazing person! You deserve good things, you really do. I’m glad this money might help make your situation a bit easier on you. And I’m so relieved you have Jessie there to support you.
39.
Eilan~Briga | January 21, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Not all money in the world can pay what you have suffered… But you certainly deserve it.. at least to achieve a better life.. to be able to provide to your pets even better, to do things you actually like!
40.
Dinah | January 21, 2012 at 5:42 pm
How wonderful that Jessie knows and tells you how truly deserving you are. Please accept their help with planning what to do with your money. I hope that you do continue your education, be it for a degree or just for personal enrichment. You are a good and worthwhile person, deserving of only good things.
41.
JMR | January 27, 2012 at 2:28 am
infinitely valuable… wothwhile…you.