noble truths of a drunk
January 22, 2012 at 10:22 pm 44 comments
today i went to talk to jessie so she could help me understand all the shit about my settlement. after she dropped me off at my apartment, i took the $20 she gave me and walked to the gas station and bought a case of miller and a big bag of cheetos puffy. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSs
i am on miller #5
1-2-3-5 then 6-7-9-11-12 BEeeEeeRrRrRr
.
realized today are
the 4 noble truths of LT
.
#1 – you cant fix stupid. there are smart poeple and stupid people and im stupid
.
#2 – if your used like dirty toilet paper, you need to be flushed, cause youll never be clean again
.
#3 – shit stays shit ….and people hate smellie shit
.
#4 – if you groe up without a family, you will always be looking in from the outside. you will never truely belong
miller #6 is calling me…..
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, beer, death, drunk, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid.
1.
Another Voice | January 22, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Sorry you are having a rough time. Still listening and reading……
2.
Linda | January 22, 2012 at 10:36 pm
LT- I hope the drinking does not make you do anything stupid. You are so clearly not stupid. The way you write, despite the challenges you had growing up and getting an education, makes it clear that you are smart. And resilient. You may not be book smart, but you are much more than just street smart. You have found friends this year and there are people who know you in real life and care about you (Jessie, Mark and KC) proving that you are capable of having relationships. There is so much ahead of you that can be good. Finish your binge and sleep it off and then keep moving forward. I really hope you are safe.
3.
michelle v | January 22, 2012 at 10:36 pm
these may be your current feelings, but they are not reality. you are special even when you don’t feel it. good things are in store for u. take care of yourself.
♥ michelle
4.
Foster Mom in Training | January 22, 2012 at 10:47 pm
Get some sleep, kiddo. Be gentle to yourself. ((Hugs))
5.
Terri | January 22, 2012 at 10:48 pm
LT, none of those “noble truths” are truths. Be safe.
6.
dimple | January 22, 2012 at 11:24 pm
1. you’re not stupid, just because you’re not good at math or science. you’re very smart about other things. and most people are like that. good at some things and bad at others. plus! you can always get smarter about things. always.
2. if you were flushed, your head would get wet. i believe this is called a “swirlie”
3. some people can’t smell! i bet they don’t hate smelly shit! (which you are not, by the way)
4. i hope one day, you will find the acceptance you are looking for, and also, acceptance for yourself. you gotta be kind to yourself, lt. you’re a really amazing person.
anyway, don’t be too hard on yourself during your drinking excursion. i’m pretty sure that’s what the hangover is for.
7.
LK | January 22, 2012 at 11:30 pm
It’s good to escape reality every now and then. Just don’t make a habit out of it.
8.
Shae | January 22, 2012 at 11:31 pm
well if miller #6 is calling, make sure to hang up on miller #7!!! moderation is key my friend.
9.
Crumble | January 22, 2012 at 11:43 pm
LT,
You are not stupid.
How many people have learned things from your blog? I am sooooooooo ignorant – and I have a university degree! Do you have ANY idea how much you have taught me? I am older than you, but it seems to me like you have a hell of a lot more figured out than I do.
You are smart!!!!!! And you are not smelly shit.
I hope you can see how amazing you are one day. I am sorry that your past happened. I know it can never be undone, but you are such a beautiful person. I really, really wish you could see that.
10.
Mary | January 23, 2012 at 12:24 am
You are more precious than you realize LT…Save some of that beer for another day….I Love puffy Cheetos!…and have a fresh bag to open…having some with you in Spirit….Hang in there Sweetie….
xo
11.
Joyce | January 23, 2012 at 12:57 am
You know what I hope for you and for (prospective) foster parents? That one day you will be able to be in a place emotionally to be able to educate parents – that what you share in your blog will be shared even more with in the child welfare system. You have so much to give and so much knowledge to impart that I hope you will be able to do that for groups of people attending classes to be educated on being the foster child. I have just gone thru a course for adoption and the lessons that stand out the most are the ones presented by adoptive children themselves. I truly look forward to that day
12.
Crumble | January 23, 2012 at 1:28 am
I was just thinking about how many people have gone through ‘the system’, and how many of them would share a lot of experiences with you… I studied for 5 years to get into the field… I spend at least 8 days a year doing courses to ‘keep current’…
LT – I have learned more from your blog than from all of that training. (practical applications, as well as insider information on why kids do things, and how they are feeling and how they intrepret different actions).
You are brilliant to be able to verbalize all these things, and to come up with practical things we can actually USE. Suggestions that can truly change lives.
I really wish you could see the impact you are having. I wish you could understand the scope of what you have shared with us. Maybe you can sometimes… And I know that nothing can ever take away what happened…
You are a good person. Selfless, caring, and insightful.
And smart.
13.
Ross | January 23, 2012 at 1:44 am
L.T you are none of that. You are amazing. Please stop drinking, alcohol make us to stop thinking. Please don’t be that hard on yourself!!!
xoxo
14.
Christina | January 23, 2012 at 3:02 am
Dear LT,
I know what it’s like to feel like you have no value. I get told all the time that I’m a worthless whore. And sometimes, I want to die.
But, neither one of us can give up. There has got to be happier, more fulfilling days ahead. And the wine (my choice of poison) will taste even sweeter then.
Sincerely,
Christina
15.
Krista | January 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Christina, you are a person who HAS value, and beauty, and a kind heart — just look at your posts on LT’s blog!
I hope you are able to eventually get out of whatever situation you are in that involves someone calling you a worthless whore…because you are not.
16.
Christina | January 28, 2012 at 9:42 am
Thank you for saying that. Funny how a stranger can help in these low times.
17.
Whizpuff | January 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm
I agree with Krista- NOBODY has the right to call you that. Be strong. I hope things change for you.
18.
Christina | January 28, 2012 at 9:43 am
I’m trying. Thank you so much.
19.
RW | January 25, 2012 at 10:31 am
Jeez, I missed reading this comment yesterday. That’s awful that you’re in such a situation, Christina. Please let the blog crew know if there’s anything we can do to help. There are a lot of frustrated helpers here! Here are some 24-hour sources of help:
Domestic violence hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224
Suicide/crisis hotlines:
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Sexual assault/abuse hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE
Child abuse hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
Human trafficking hotline (if someone is treating you like a slave or prisoner): 1-888-3737-888
20.
Christina | January 28, 2012 at 9:49 am
All of you are so kind to reach out to me, thank you. LT has got some special people checking on her blog.
Since I posted this comment, I have contacted a center near to me to try and get some help.
Thank you LT, for sharing yourself on this blog. It helps more than you know.
21.
Jodi | January 23, 2012 at 3:22 am
Listen LT, Mr. Beer is telling you some untruths. Do you think that if you were all those things listed we would continue to read your blog, cheer your positive days and empathize with you on the hard days? For one, you have so much common sense, insight, and are a beautiful writer. You take wonderful care of your animals. KC and Jessie love you dearly and it’s obvious they are there for the long haul. You are lovable and worth being loved. It’s not effing fair that you were not loved and cherished by your parents but sweetie don’t let that define you. Lots of us recognize what a wonderful person you are. No lie.
And now I want cheese curls. Drat. XO.
22.
YW | January 23, 2012 at 4:53 am
Cheers, hope you headache is not too bad in the morning.. did you make lots of notes when you talked to Jesse? Is it starting to make sense? stay safe ok how is KC?
I don’t like the idea of you by yourself drinking… and your are Soo not stupid! I think of you more as Brilliant, fun, and very intelligent!
keep your head up high and have fun planning what to do with the money… I would not let people you dont know (at work or where you live) that you are having this large amount of money coming to you.. I just want to protect you LT.. sweet dreams..
23.
Becca | January 23, 2012 at 7:22 am
I’ve never known beer to fix anything or make any situation better, so I hope you throw away the rest of the case. Get some rest LT. I know this money situation is overwhelming, but you will get it figured out. Take care.
24.
Splintered | January 23, 2012 at 8:40 am
How’s the headache?
25.
The Sleeper | January 23, 2012 at 8:59 am
I am hoping that you are ok today and that your hangover is not terrible.
When I was in college, I received a good piece of advice from a counselor – “beer never makes anything clear.” Keep that in mind, sweet LT.
26.
Living Day by Day | January 23, 2012 at 10:40 am
Lots of water and some Tylenol will help with that hangover. You gotta think positive LT. Alcohol of any kind dulls the senses but is only a short term solution. We love ya!
27.
Melissa | January 23, 2012 at 11:25 am
You are beautiful and smart, LT, not stupid and dirty. (((((LT)))))
28.
KP | January 23, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Oh sweetie. When I drink, alcohol makes me feel like shit about myself, so I suspect it’s not going to help with all of the feelings you have about yourself when you’re sober. You are NOT stupid; you are NOT worthless; you are NOT someone who should be flushed down the toilet; you are NOT doomed to never belong. You are teaching me and so many other people how to better care for all the children in the system right now, and those who have aged out of it.
I hope you find that you feel even a tiny bit more hopeful this morning. Do you have an appointment with Dr. Val soon? Can you talk to her about the settlement and all the feelings it’s dredging up? I bet she would have some good insight and at least add to the chorus of voices telling you that you are valuable and irreplaceable and so much smarter than you think you are.
Hang in there, LT.
29.
L | January 23, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Hi LT, Sounds like you were feeling really down on yourself. It sucks to feel worthless. What a yucky way to feel
Drinking doesn’t make it better, but time can. Thinking of ya hun.
Thanks for the financial info, there sure isnt enough help for kids to figure this stuff out on their own. You make good points and the links were really interesting.
Stay strong ok!
30.
butterflysblog | January 23, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Sweet LT – when big things happen in our lives, it’s natural to want to numb the feelings we are having. You just had a big legal thing happen and you’re having a lot of feelings about that. I imagine that it’s probably very comforting right now to drink beer and numb away the feelings. You’ve been terribly abused, and the truth about abused kids is that we become very good at numbing our hurt feelings artificially, or by telling ourselves bad things about ourselves.
All I can see are the great and wonderful things about you. I think you are freaking amazing, and your words give me hope. Please continue to let us know you are ok; I would be so horribly sad if anything happened to you.
-Butterfly
31.
bec | January 23, 2012 at 6:02 pm
hey lt, would you consider going to church with jessie and kc? they seem like non-judgmental, easy going people, and a lot of people find peace of mind in religion. it might be good to mix things up in your life.
32.
Lindsay | January 23, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Lots of good posts in reply to this message. I too am praying you stay safe.
Fact 1: Shit never stays shit. Given time, it changes into something that nourishes life. If nothing pooped, nothing would grow. No food, no flowers, etc.
Fact 2: There are different kinds of intelligences. My dad left school without really being able to read (I remember, as a child, helping him use the phonebook) he spent 15 years in basic laboring until a freak opportunity landed him in a job where his brilliance in the area of understanding machines and his creativity in building new machines boosted him to owning his own company and making a several hundred thousand dollar salary every year. My dad still can’t read well and writes even worse but he’s one of the most brilliant people I know. I hope one day you are able to open your eyes to the fact that captivating thousands of readers every day with your words makes you intelligent, and bright, and eloquent, even if it might not show up in some areas of your life.
33.
RW | January 25, 2012 at 10:20 am
Love your Fact 1!
34.
Cesarea | January 24, 2012 at 1:16 am
I hope you are OK by now, and that you know that you’re not stupid, and you do a lot for people who rely on your advice.
35.
RW | January 24, 2012 at 9:31 am
Oh, LT, people say “in vino veritas” (Latin for “in wine is truth”), but your “beer goggles” are seriously distorting the truth for you. I expect you thought the alcohol would make you feel better, but in fact it’s making you feel worse. Alcohol sucks that way–it’s something about the chemistry of how it acts on the brain. (Of course other drugs suck in other ways, even if they don’t make you feel miserable).
When you are sober again, try to remember that when you feel like crap, adding alcohol makes you feel even worse. Can you think of one time that it didn’t? If you can’t stop from drinking it, next time see if you can just buy a 6-pack instead of a case. Or a single or two, if they sell them in your area.
You know what? Even if you were a bad person (which you soooo are not, you would still be a bad person with a ton of money. Even (or especially?) a totally bad person can enjoy using their money. So spend it on something that makes you feel good, not alcohol! In fact, I can’t believe that a bad person would feel bad about getting money, however undeserved. A bad person would be extra gleeful about getting undeserved money. Only a good person would be able to feel bad about getting money. Therefore you must be good–I proved it!
Stay safe, please, dear.
36.
Dinah | January 24, 2012 at 10:11 am
LT, was that you writing on all of the post? It didn’t have your feel. Stop running yourself down You were, are and always will be a good person. Stop letting others who were not, are not and never will be good tell you otherwise. Listen to all things I say and do what I tell YOU! Quit drinking a depressant to help with your depression. And always but Cheetos. They are better than any other brand. Do not buy the discount just to save a few pennies. Love you.
Dinah
37.
Krista | January 24, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I hope you picked up some Gatorade and some Tylenol with your beer and Cheetos!
I know it’s not a big deal to you right now, but I wish we could at least get you to drink better beer — Miller’s NASTY!
Now onto the more serious stuff:
1. You’re telling us that you are stupid. We are telling you that you are wrong. You say that you aren’t intelligent. We look at your blog posts, your tips for foster parents and trainers, your use of humor, your quality writing…and sweetheart, YOU ARE SMART.
2. You have the purest, cleanest, kindest heart of anyone I have ever met…or “met”.
3. Do you think Moonlight would love you if you were shit? Or Jessie would care for you, or KC, or your boss, or Dr. Val? They all seem like pretty smart people, and smart people don’t care for shit…since they care for you, that means that you’re not shit.
4. You will find your family, and your family will find you — it’s just a matter of time. It WILL get better, LT.
38.
Kat | January 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Drink lots and lots of water, LT! That’s my hangover prevention, and it seems to work.
You know what? I’m going to make you a “Cheer Up, LT” playlist filled with positive songs. Because I’m a huge dork and I think you might need it.
39.
Whizpuff | January 24, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Remember, alcohol is a depressant LT. Hope that the hangover was not too grim!
40.
Kat | January 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm
Here’s your cheer up playlist I made just for you when I got out of class today. I hope you like it. Let me know! You can email me anytime.
Lee Ann Womack – “I Hope You Dance”
Josh Groban – “You Raise Me Up”
Cat Stevens – “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out”
Prozzak – “Be As”
Maroon 5 – “She Will Be Loved”
Bob Dylan – “Three Little Birds”
OK Go – “This Will Be Our Year”
Bob Dylan – “Times They Are A-Changing”
The Beatles – “With a Little Help From My Friends”
Josh Groban – “You Raise Me Up”
Coldplay – “Everything’s Not Lost”
Gary Allen – “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful”
Sara Groves – “It’s Going to Be Alright”
Imogen Heap – “Speeding Cars”
Carrie Underwood – “So Small”
Neil Diamond – “I’ve Been This Way Before”
Cat Empire – “Two Shoes”
Christina Aguilera – “Beautiful”
Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”
Avril Lavigne – “Keep Holding On”
Good Charlotte – “Hold On”
Rodney Atkins – “If You’re Going Through Hell”
Johnny Cash – “I Won’t Back Down”
Natasha Bedingfield – “Unwritten”
41.
Kat | January 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm
Also, here’s a poem that’s helped me through some really dark places, especially after I was assaulted. My professor, a cancer survivor, used to recite it to herself when she was recovering from surgery. My brother’s in the military and he keeps it in his backpack. It means quite a bit to many people, and I hope it’ll mean something to you, too.
“Invictus” by W. E. Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
42.
Kat | January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm
And if those don’t help, here’s a link to Cute Overload: http://cuteoverload.com/
43.
jen | January 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm
(((hugs))) LT, I wish I could make it better. I hope you hear all these people
You matter
You make a difference
You are a beautiful soul
You are helping someone right now – a 14 year old girl that has been abandoned by everyone that was supposed to love her is getting a forever home because of YOU. I wish I could have done the same for you – you really deserved it.
44.
Cookie | January 29, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Noble truths that I see about LT:
1. LT is very smart. She is articulate and gets her ideas across in a way that makes you UNDERSTAND. It is a very rare gift, and I hope she can see that she has this wonderful gift.
2. LT is clean, not dirty, even if she doesn’t always feel that way. Some people who are dirty, filthy pieces of crap did things to hurt her. Unfortunately these things hurt LT when she was little, and as she got older. She didn’t have the chance to see that she is a beautiful person, because the dirty people clouded things for her. However, LT’s blog crew can see that LT is NOT dirty. We keep reading because we see the truth and beauty about her.
3. Someone posted above about how shit turns to other things, and helps them grow. I like that. But it’s not accurate to say LT is or was shit. But if she felt/feels like shit, it’s because of the horrible people who hurt her. And if LT really WAS shit, why would she put all the effort into a blog? It’s obvious from the many comments that she helps countless people. She helps foster parents be better at fostering, she inspires people to adopt foster kids, and she has helped kids in foster care because of this. HOW does a piece of shit do this? Oh right, because LT is NOT a piece of shit!
4. LT grew up without a family, but I know that she won’t always be on the outside, looking in. I know there are people who’ve aged-out of foster care, who find their “family” and find peace.
I’m going to add another:
5. I wish I could transform LT’s thinking to see what I see, and what her blog crew sees. My heart hurts for LT, and for the pain that she went through growing up, and how it still affects her today. What I see: she is a special woman, who is able to share so much of herself, yet asks nothing in return. She is a natural teacher, a natural writer, and has a beautiful, bright light, shining her truth for people to read, and to help other people with her truth. LT is an utterly beautiful soul. I wish I could bake her some cookies to make her feel better.