the folded piece of paper in my pocket

i went to dr. val completely hung over.  my eyes were crooked, my jeans were slipping off my ass, my hair was half standing up and i only had 1/2 bag of puffy cheetos left to share.  actually dr. val only eats like 1 or 2 anyway, so that part doesn’t matter.  she eats them like a bird… and i eat them like a kid.

i walked in late and it went like this:

DR. VAL:  “LT, you are looking mighty hung-over?  Was it worth it?”

ME:  ahhhh.  dunno.  ask me later.

DR. VAL:  “I guess my favorite word slipped your mind, yes?”

ME:  ahh…  feelings?

DR. VAL:  “Oh yeah, that’s one of my favorites too!”

ME:   um.  yeah i know.  joy.

DR. VAL:  “It starts with an “M” and has an “on” and is kind of long.”

ME:  oh yeah, montazoma’s revenge.  my stomach is ok this time.  thanks for asking Dr. Val.   i ate cheetos to absorb the beer  LOL

DR.VAL:  “Are we having bathroom conversation —–”

ME:  —– CRAP, i dont know.  im hungover….. give me a break.

DR. VAL:  “So what caused you to forget MODERATION last night?”

ME:  nothing.

DR.VAL:  “So, you just felt like getting really drunk?”

i sat there in my chair near the door, looking at the floor.  why do i come to therapy again? — was floating through my head.  i stood up, reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.  i slowly unfolded it as i sat down.

ME:  ….  like… because of this…

.

i handed Dr. Val the paper…

DR. VAL:  “Oh… I see.  Is this a breakdown?”

ME: …yeah… i dont know who made it and thats just one part because it had all the medical bills … every fucking one. .. on it.  then Jessie,. …  well …. like she …. sat down and went over it with me….. to  like… show me… how the money .. i mean … how it worked…..  see the columns? ….”

DR. VAL:  “I see.  Very detailed.  That was nice of Jessie, yes?”

ME:  ….   yes i guess.  i mean…. it was nice.

DR. VAL:  “but?”

ME:  …..<pause> ….  Dr. Val…. her kids… KC and Page….  they are really smart.  …  in college … and like do really good.  … and i was going over like math. … and. … and… Jessie thought i was stupid. ….

DR. VAL:  “Jessie thought you were stupid?  Did she say that?”

ME:  … no, but she was thinkin’ it.  …  and then KC came in and was like “whats up?” ……and then Jessie was like “Going over the numbers with LT”  ….and KC was like “cool” … but…

…but… they were really thinking how fucking stupid i am because i cant multiply or balance numbers and….

DR. VAL:  “Woa…..hold on trooper.  I did not hear anyone say you were stupid.  In fact, it sounded like KC said “cool” and made NO negative judgement, what-so-ever.  Who is doing the judging?”

ME:  them.

DR. VAL:  “Really?”  I think you were FEELING stupid and were projecting.”

ME:  crap.

DR. VAL:  “Bathroom talk again? “

ME:  they think im stupid.  …..

DR. VAL:  “Well… nothing in the way they treat you tells me that they think you are stupid or any other words you want to call yourself.  Where is that message really coming from, LT?  

ME:  dunno.  them.

DR. VAL:  “I don’t think so.  Maybe in your past somewhere?  hm?  Instead of getting drunk and hurting yourself, what could you have done?”

ME:  dunno.

DR. VAL:  “When you are thinking or feeling that I hate you or think bad things about you, what do you do? “

ME: <mumble>… <mumble>  check it out…

DR. VAL:  “Louder so I can hear it!”

ME:  crap…..  i said check it out with them…… like … ask em. 

DR. VAL:  “Ask them LT.  The names you call yourself are coming from your past; because the people in your present don’t treat you like you are stupid or ugly or dumb or all the other things that you call yourself.  Next time, ask them.  I bet they would be thrilled to tell you how they feel….”

ME:  crap. … <pause>   …. the beer wasnt worth it.  it didnt make anything go away.

DR. VAL:  “Never does, huh?”

ME:  whatever Dr. Val.

i left my therapy appointment still tired, hungover, and with no more cheetos.  as i waited for the bus, i was thinking about how relationships are complicated when you are not used to having positive ones.  it’s like being a baby or a small child in an adult body…. when everyone else is ok with relationships but you are just learning.  or how its like battling again… battling demons that fill your thoughts and feelings with events from the past and its out of your control.

then i realized some sad truth… even if i asked Jessie and KC if they thought i was stupid, the reality is i would not have trusted their answer…

…because I’m still working on that too…