the folded piece of paper in my pocket
January 25, 2012 at 12:31 am 28 comments
i went to dr. val completely hung over. my eyes were crooked, my jeans were slipping off my ass, my hair was half standing up and i only had 1/2 bag of puffy cheetos left to share. actually dr. val only eats like 1 or 2 anyway, so that part doesn’t matter. she eats them like a bird… and i eat them like a kid.
i walked in late and it went like this:
DR. VAL: “LT, you are looking mighty hung-over? Was it worth it?”
ME: ahhhh. dunno. ask me later.
DR. VAL: “I guess my favorite word slipped your mind, yes?”
ME: ahh… feelings?
DR. VAL: “Oh yeah, that’s one of my favorites too!”
ME: um. yeah i know. joy.
DR. VAL: “It starts with an “M” and has an “on” and is kind of long.”
ME: oh yeah, montazoma’s revenge. my stomach is ok this time. thanks for asking Dr. Val. i ate cheetos to absorb the beer LOL
DR.VAL: “Are we having bathroom conversation —–”
ME: —– CRAP, i dont know. im hungover….. give me a break.
DR. VAL: “So what caused you to forget MODERATION last night?”
ME: nothing.
DR.VAL: “So, you just felt like getting really drunk?”
i sat there in my chair near the door, looking at the floor. why do i come to therapy again? — was floating through my head. i stood up, reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. i slowly unfolded it as i sat down.
ME: …. like… because of this…
.
i handed Dr. Val the paper…
DR. VAL: “Oh… I see. Is this a breakdown?”
ME: …yeah… i dont know who made it and thats just one part because it had all the medical bills … every fucking one. .. on it. then Jessie,. … well …. like she …. sat down and went over it with me….. to like… show me… how the money .. i mean … how it worked….. see the columns? ….”
DR. VAL: “I see. Very detailed. That was nice of Jessie, yes?”
ME: …. yes i guess. i mean…. it was nice.
DR. VAL: “but?”
ME: …..<pause> …. Dr. Val…. her kids… KC and Page…. they are really smart. … in college … and like do really good. … and i was going over like math. … and. … and… Jessie thought i was stupid. ….
DR. VAL: “Jessie thought you were stupid? Did she say that?”
ME: … no, but she was thinkin’ it. … and then KC came in and was like “whats up?” ……and then Jessie was like “Going over the numbers with LT” ….and KC was like “cool” … but…
…but… they were really thinking how fucking stupid i am because i cant multiply or balance numbers and….
DR. VAL: “Woa…..hold on trooper. I did not hear anyone say you were stupid. In fact, it so
unded like KC said “cool” and made NO negative judgement, what-so-ever. Who is doing the judging?”
ME: them.
DR. VAL: “Really?” I think you were FEELING stupid and were projecting.”
ME: crap.
DR. VAL: “Bathroom talk again? “
ME: they think im stupid. …..
DR. VAL: “Well… nothing in the way they treat you tells me that they think you are stupid or any other words you want to call yourself. Where is that message really coming from, LT?
ME: dunno. them.
DR. VAL: “I don’t think so. Maybe in your past somewhere? hm? Instead of getting drunk and hurting yourself, what could you have done?”
ME: dunno.
DR. VAL: “When you are thinking or feeling that I hate you or think bad things about you, what do you do? “
ME: <mumble>… <mumble> check it out…
DR. VAL: “Louder so I can hear it!”
ME: crap….. i said check it out with them…… like … ask em.
DR. VAL: “Ask them LT. The names you call yourself are coming from your past; because the people in your present don’t treat you like you are stupid or ugly or dumb or all the other things that you call yourself. Next time, ask them. I bet they would be thrilled to tell you how they feel….”
ME: crap. … <pause> …. the beer wasnt worth it. it didnt make anything go away.
DR. VAL: “Never does, huh?”
ME: whatever Dr. Val.
i left my therapy appointment still tired, hungover, and with no more cheetos. as i waited for the bus, i was thinking about how relationships are complicated when you are not used to having positive ones. it’s like being a baby or a small child in an adult body…. when everyone else is ok with relationships but you are just learning. or how its like battling again… battling demons that fill your thoughts and feelings with events from the past and its out of your control.
then i realized some sad truth… even if i asked Jessie and KC if they thought i was stupid, the reality is i would not have trusted their answer…
…because I’m still working on that too…
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, child abuse, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, low self-esteem, self injury.
1.
Crumble | January 25, 2012 at 1:04 am
Again, so much insight here. Isn’t hard when you can see all of this, but still battle (knowing that even if you asked them, you would not trust their answers? Knowing that these relationships are different, but not being able to trust it because of the past?).
Thinking of you.
2.
YW | January 25, 2012 at 1:11 am
Glad you are working on it, keep working on it, and be thankful for Jesse and KC just saying thank you for helping that is all they need they do NOT think you are stupid, I can understand the feeling, I totally can, it is intimidating.. you Think you should know all that but nobody ever taught you LT.. I so feel that you were let down in the past by your foster parents they should have helped you with basic accounting and numbers and saving money etc. .. I am sorry about that.. but you are SO NOT Stupid.. I would personally need help as well to figure all this out.. and how to organize everything. I would suggest to take notes and take it all in, learn from this ok you have some great teachers! listen to them and be thankful they are all in your life (Dr Val, Jesse, KC
Sweet Dreams !
3.
Shae | January 25, 2012 at 1:33 am
just keep working on it LT, one step at a time.
4.
Tanja | January 25, 2012 at 1:33 am
This takes time, as you know! Good experiences will make it able for you to trust. little by little. Don’t expect big jumps here.
You will get there!
Even if you do not fully believe what Dr. Val or we are telling you, maybe somewhere int he back of the mind, something stays there and infiltrated some doubts in those voices of the past!
5.
Cesarea | January 25, 2012 at 1:54 am
You are very insightful, LT!
6.
Michy | January 25, 2012 at 2:02 am
There are times, LT, when I wish there was some magical way I could go back in time, find you as a little girl, and take you away from all the shit in your life. A lot of that is because I went through my own shit, and I wish I’d been rescued. I don’t have any magic words for you, or any solutions to your problems, but I can tell you that you aren’t stupid. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t mean much from a random person in the internet, but I had to say it.
I often suck at commenting, and don’t do it as much as I mean to, but I hope you know that I eagerly read your every word, and send lots of love and healing in your direction. Since I know you hate to owe anybody anything, you can do this as payment: Keep loving Shadow and Moonlight and Harbor. Should be easy, right?
7.
Jodi | January 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm
I love your reply. Made me tear up.
8.
Ross | January 25, 2012 at 2:40 am
I am proud you are still going with Dr. Val, she seems very smart and she cares about you. Don’t give up. You are not those words you say, you are brilliant L.T and I hope the day you realized that comes soon.
Take Care
xoxo
9.
abbys momma | January 25, 2012 at 5:35 am
such good thinking going on today
10.
lee1978Lee | January 25, 2012 at 6:45 am
All relationships are hard work LT, even if you haven’t had the kind of start in life that you have had. You are working hard, and for what it is worth, sometimes everyone doubts an answer when they ask a person a question. Eat something healthy now, to help that skinny body of yours. I don’t want to read about your jeans falling off you!
11.
Krista | January 25, 2012 at 7:40 am
I am glad that you have Dr. Val in your life, LT, and even though you might wonder sometimes why you go to therapy, the truth is that it is helping you a lot. You might not be able to see it clearly, since you’re living it, but anyone who reads your blog for any length of time can see the progress you are making.
Trust is hard, very hard…but eventually you will be able to trust Jessie and KC and others who care for you.
So proud of you!
12.
linda Kauffer | January 25, 2012 at 8:30 am
! Hope the head and body feel better this morning! Even those of us with “higher” education feel stupid at times LT. You’re smart in areas I am totally stupid in. The monsters want you to feel this way so they can still have power over you. F’em! You are a fighter-I know you will get through this ok! Blessings!
13.
margo2253 | January 25, 2012 at 9:09 am
Wow, LT! You took the words right out of my mind (and my mouth when I’m in therapy). My mom died when I was 8 and I’ve felt that “child in an adult’s body” thing all of my life (and I’m 58!) It’s way better than it was, but when I’m in a social situation that I feel is way too “adult” for me I can fall right back into that feeling. I also know that feeling stupid thing even though I was a straight A student in school. Now I have Multiple Sclerosis and it effects my memory badly (I have to refer to a cheat sheet I have in my purse to remember the names of people I see regularly) even though I was able to recently start a grassroots initiative with a friend and advocate for legislation that supports foster children and foster children. My point is that in spite of the fact that things like math are hard for you (like remembering things is hard for me), you are a really, really good writer who inspires and supports a lot of people on a daily basis. We all have our gifts. Thanks for sharing one of yours. And good luck conquering the demons in your mind. If anyone can do it, you can!
14.
MamatoMany | January 25, 2012 at 9:14 am
Thinking of you!
15.
butterflysblog | January 25, 2012 at 10:12 am
Sweet LT – this entry is yet another example of how smart and insightful you are. You always seem to capture the events using such incredible imagery and words. I really hope that one day this blog gets published.
You are absolutely amazing, and it is a privilege to read your blog. Thank you for writing it.
– Butterfly
16.
Crumble | January 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I agree with Butterfly. You are not stupid, and this blog is just one example of how advanced you are (I realise that you may not feel advanced in all areas of your life – but look at this blog – how you are able to write and explain things, AND come up with real ideas to change how we interact/look at things?!?!?!? That is brilliant! I don’t know of any other blogs that are so genius. Your ability to share your experiences and explain WHY you felt that way and WHAT can be done to minimize the trauma is amazing.
And you have gotten through so much because you ARE smart.
You take care of three animals that may never have had a home if it wasn’t for you. You even TAMED them. You don’t think taming wild beasts is amazing? AND you did it on purpose – you came up with a plan, and it worked. Moonlight would never have gone to anyone else, in my opinion.
Thank you for sharing with us. I really have learned a lot from you, and wish there was something I could do for you.
Oh – and you are really witty – and your poems are incredible!
17.
RW | January 25, 2012 at 10:17 am
Glad you’re okay. Good for you for eating while you were drinking. Did you know that drinking a lot of water (like the same amount of water as beer) while you’re drinking alcohol will also reduce the hangover–although it might prevent sleeping b/c you’ll have to pee so much!
Also, good for you for not cutting yourself while you were drunk, which is something you can be proud of, or at least glad for. Maybe it means that you’re hating yourself a bit less? Or maybe it means that the feelings around something good happening to you aren’t as painful as the feelings you “treated” with alcohol before.
As for understanding the table of numbers, pfff. Since you’ve never had health insurance as an adult, you haven’t had the opportunity to learn how to understand the insanity that is health insurance billing. Seriously, the insurance companies try to make it as complicated as possible so that people will not notice when they are being cheated. It’s nothing to do with math to know what “negotiated” means as opposed to “charged” and understand that the difference between the two amounts just “vanished” because the hospital or the insurance company wanted it to.
And FYI, almost nobody, just a few people with weird arithmetic brains, can add numbers that long in their heads. I can’t even add two three-digit numbers in my head, and it’s not a matter of intelligence: I studied math as far as calculus. I just always have to add numbers on paper or with a calculator.
You know, even if Jessie or KC did think you were stupid (which I don’t for one second believe), the important thing is that they care about you enough that they WOULD lie so as not to hurt your feelings. They are not like the people who in the past called you stupid to hurt your feelings, and may even have believed you were stupid (although if they did believe that, it just goes to show what idiots they were). People who love us love all of us, including our weaknesses. People who love us try to do what’s best for us, which includes never insulting us. Jessie and KC love you and accept you. You don’t have to be perfect for them to love you.
18.
Another Time | January 25, 2012 at 11:03 am
Everyone is basically saying what I would. That said, I have a question LT. If you don’t mind, what is montazoma’s revenge? I don’t recall reading about that before here or anywhere else.
19.
MamaMama | January 25, 2012 at 11:50 am
It is really bad diarrhea. Normally associated with travel to foreign countries.
20.
Another Time | January 25, 2012 at 5:53 pm
Oooooh. Thanks for the info MamaMama.
21.
MamaMama | January 25, 2012 at 11:48 am
Val is a smart lady. It is hard to quiet the voices in your head. You are smart to realize that your coping mechanism is not working. I doubt KC or Jesse thought you dumb. Math can be very difficult even for an educated person. I have a very difficult time understanding any form. Let alone a complicated one such as an attorney’s settlement. Keep trucking.
22.
cheryl | January 25, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Hey LT,
I couldn’t understand my recent hospital bills either, even with lots of education! Thanks for all you write and share. I admire your vulnerability and your writing. Praying for peace for your heart. Hearts healing can be a slow process, and I sometimes get frustrated too.
23.
michelle v | January 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
thanks for sharing your session with dr val. i’m so glad you have her. good work sorting through your feelings.
♥ michelle
24.
Jodi | January 25, 2012 at 8:53 pm
Ahhh, hangovers. On my 21st birthday I got acquainted with them…22 years later I can’t glance at a bottle of Jagermeister without my stomach siezing…blarg.
XO.
Seriously LT there is no way Jessie and KC think you are stupid. Sweetheart you were made to feel so bad about yourself by the people that should have built you up…trust and self worth are shaped from infancy. You, darling, are having to start at a later date. I’m so happy you have loving people in your corner now. You are a really cool person with many gifts, and I hope that soon you realize this, as all of your loyal readers cannot be wrong
25.
Foster Mom in Training | January 25, 2012 at 10:16 pm
This was a pretty positive session in that I see tremendous growth in you, LT. ((hugs))
26.
Mary | January 25, 2012 at 11:29 pm
Even with a solid college degree, my eyes still glaze over when it comes to math….Spent many years with excellent Therapists, yet trust issues lurk…I just recognize more when it’s probably unjustified….Stupid?…Nope!…And neither are you!…Nice work with Dr. Val….Shine On LT!…
xo
27.
Jeanne | January 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm
I’m so glad you’re back, I was getting worried about the long amount of time you were gone.
Noone who writes like you write can possibly be stupid. I thought I remembered you saying your education was extremely lacking because of all your moves and just trying to survive – and yet you still write this well!!. To me that’s a sign of superior intelligence, not stupidity. Your struggle with math isn’t connected to intelligence, it’s connected to lack of education. That’s something you can still work on in the future if you feel like it.
I have forwarded some of your posts on to people in the child welfare field and they are amazed at your posts and wish they could use your work for training. That’s not something that would result from writing by a “stupid” person. (Maybe some day in the future, if you feel like it you can publish some of your posts into a book that would help even more kids.)
It is hard to trust people, you’ve had way too many experiences that “trained” you not to. It sounds like you still want to be able to trust and that’s a hopeful first step.
I’m soooo thankful for Jessie, KC and Dr. Val and YOU!
28.
katieinwonderlandx | January 26, 2012 at 11:47 pm
I love how you and Dr Vals relationship works. She knows you very well LT. and you are NO WAY stupid. You write so beautifully! you just didnt get the same chances, and oppertunities that Jessies kids did. Thats not your fault LT. You had more important things than sums, like survival to worry about as a kid. I cant count for shit. I really cant! I cant even add things together while i go round the grocery store. and yet i just passed my degree in psychology. Everyone has different talents and forms of intelligence LT. you have LOADS that your readers can see, and thats the people who havent even met you! You write so well, and you have great emotional intelligence, you can word your feelings better than most people i know xxxx