“FOR RENT” foster kids
January 27, 2012 at 12:53 am 25 comments
This morning i woke up and was really bummed. I was crying throughout the night and i felt the hangover and exhaustion of having no more tears. I felt the need to hang out with Moonlight today. So i looked around and managed to scratch together $4.53, which i put into my pocket. I grabbed a blanket, Moonlight’s carrot squeaky toy and put them in
a backpack; put on two sweatshirts, grabbed my jacket and headed out the door with Moonlight. We walked to the shit-ass gas station where i tied Moonlight to a pole and went in to buy a small bag of Cheetos PUFFY and 2 Mountain Dews. Then me and Moonlight headed to the park.
As we walked to the park, i passed several “FOR RENT” signs at which time i realized that “FOR RENT” is perfect to describe kids in foster care.
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“FOR RENT” means you pay to stay
“FOR RENT” means something that is used temporarily
“FOR RENT” means its not yours, it belongs to someone else
“FOR RENT” = PAY TO STAY
Foster kids come with a check. The state pays the foster parents for the kids to stay, just like in a rental situation, where you pay a landlord to stay in their place. The money is supposed to be used for the child; for food, clothing, things that the child needs. But, just like crappy landlords, who take your money and never use it to improve or fix your apartment…. there are crappy foster parents who never use the money 
for the child or who only use part of it for the child. Just like bad landlords who make money by never fixing anything, there are bad foster parents who make money off foster kids, by packing their home with as many kids as possible and not using the money for the children, but using it for themselves. It happens. Many foster parents don’t make money; and the good ones probably spend money…..but the reality is the kids “pay to stay.”
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“FOR RENT” = TEMPORARY
Many time foster parents want to adopt. 
They are looking to give a “forever home” to some lucky child. Sometimes parents “try out a child” before making the permanent commitment. Sometimes they “rent” before they “buy.” When I was in foster care, sometimes I was “rented” for a short time, like a couple weeks or a couple months….and sometimes I was “rented” for a long time….lots of months or a couple years. Maybe I was being tried out, maybe I was always temporary. But none of it was EVER permanent. It was always a temporary place and a temporary situation.
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“FOR RENT” = NOT REALLY YOURS
My life is made up of places and families that were never really mine. Something that is “FOR RENT” is never yours, it always belongs to someone else. You can never do what you completely want to or feel 100% secure or free in something that is “FOR RENT” because it is not yours. Growing up in foster care, it was never my bedroom or my house or my yard. It was never my special chair or my swingset or my tree. NEVER my mom or my dad or my sister or grandma. Nothing was ever really mine. A rental is never yours either.
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These days, whe
n you see “FOR RENT” signs, there are usually statements like “2 bedrooms,” “updated bath,” “big kitchen” on the sign– so what did my sign say?
Sometimes it must have said “problem, falling apart” and sometimes it must have said “good fuck” and sometimes it must have said “special needs” and sometimes it must have said “good slave potential” and sometimes it said “what the hell do we do with this..any takers?”
In the beginning I bet my sign said “small, but cute, needs work, potential is great!” Maybe it was even a “For Sale” sign, hoping some family would “buy me!”
But, later, as I grew old in foster care, I bet my sign said “old, high needs, in major disrepair”... The reality is that few people would want to rent or buy something like that.
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When I got to the park with Moonlight, I sat in the grass and thought about being “FOR RENT” for so long. I often wonder if anyone ever wanted to take a chance on “buying me” and making me permanent. I never got that feeling. Maybe the messages on my “FOR RENT” signs were so overwhelming that they scared everyone away…. can a traumatized, scared blond kid be that frightening? Or maybe the workers just stopped putting any signs out about me — never a “RENT TO OWN,” never a “DRASTICALLY REDUCED – FOR SALE” sign. Maybe they just gave up…
…but for me, years of being rented, never gave me any permanency.
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: adoption, aged-out foster kids, Foster Care, foster child, foster home, foster kid, foster parents, no family, permanency, unwanted.
1.
Crumble | January 27, 2012 at 1:02 am
I hate that these things happened to you, and are still happening to other children.
Stay strong, LT.
2.
Foster Mom in Training | January 27, 2012 at 1:16 am
I’m so sorry, LT. I hope Moonlight enjoyed your time together in the park. ((hugs)) Be kind to yourself and keep your chin up.
3.
Mary | January 27, 2012 at 1:57 am
: (
xo
4.
The Sleeper | January 27, 2012 at 1:57 am
I know that many states do not allow foster children access to their records, but it would help answer so many questions that you struggle with. It would create more too, but at least you would have your history. Unfortunately, the system is more concerned with saving its behind than focusing on the needs of foster children.
Good but sad comparison. ((LT))
5.
MamatoMany | January 27, 2012 at 3:26 am
Thinking of you.
6.
Ross | January 27, 2012 at 4:27 am
L.T I hope Moonlight enjoyed her walk to the park. How is her health??? How are you doing at work?? Any news in regards the settlement? when will you be able to buy your new bike??
xoxo
7.
YW | January 27, 2012 at 5:17 am
So sorry to hear that LT ..I do hear that at least in Florida they are trying to change the system, add more case workers so they are not so overloaded and can really focus on the children, at least they are admitting the system is not working..
Ask Jesse if you can get an advance on your settlement? Do they know a timeframe when you can get the funds.. or even ask Jesse for a small loan, she knows you are getting funds coming to you.. ? Maybe even ask her to go shopping with you, there is so much more she can teach you, I am sure.. (if you let her) like shopping for healthy foods and actually cooking a healthy meal with like fresh spinach en tomatoes. ok I am getting off track here, but I am justing thinking about you.. about your overall health and wish I was the first parent that fostered you when you came in to the system I would have not let you go…
For now try to look at positive things I know it must be hard ,but you got some great friends, great pets. great blog/followers that only want to see you smile, see you happy and focus on the future.. I have such a great feeling about that I think of BRIGHT maybe you can find some awesome pictures to post on your blog that go with BRIGHT
becaust that is what you are…
YW
8.
KimB | January 27, 2012 at 9:35 am
No child should be for rent or for sale.
LT, you help me comprehend the feelings and thoughts that living in foster care can create. Many times you present issues that are very important, but that I never consider. While your experiences are painful and hard to read, you are helping many people by sharing your life. You are providing a glimpse into the world of our foster children and helping us understand their personal struggles (especially when they do not tell us!).
FWIW, we would have bought you home and kept you because every child deserves a chance, behaviors and all {{hugs}}
9.
michelle v | January 27, 2012 at 10:41 am
i think often people (aware of their own human shortcomings) think they don’t have the resources to parent for life, a child with lots of baggage. they just need reassurance and eduation. that’s where your advocacy comes in.
♥ michelle
10.
KP | January 27, 2012 at 11:46 am
Oh LT, You should never have been available “for rent”, as you so eloquently put it. You are worth so much more than the system paid for your care, and you should never have been used and abused – you never deserved that.
These kinds of comparison posts are the ones that make me notice how very intelligent you are, despite calling yourself stupid. Being able to find metaphors from your daily life and apply those to what you experienced in foster care and afterwards is NOT a common skill – many people find it hard or can’t do it at all! One sign of a good writer and thinker is the ability to draw these kinds of comparisons to educate people (us) in ways we can understand. You are so much wiser – and yes, smarter – than you realize.
11.
Krista | January 27, 2012 at 12:16 pm
What KP said is totally spot-on. You are worth so much more than being “for rent”, LT. You are priceless, dearest; someday I hope that you will be able to see that.
12.
Jodi | January 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Sad, true, and thought provoking. Children need continuity and the ability to trust their relationships with caregivers, knowing they are safe and cared for AND secure that the relationship is permanent. Moving from home to home and never getting that is a cruelty to children as far as I’m concerned. Here in AZ there are so many heartbreaking things going on with the foster care system and CPS, I can hardly stand to read the newspaper anymore.
Hope you have a better day and please realize how much we think and care about you. XO.
At any rate, thank you LT for the post…I think you should consider writing a book. You have a wonderful talent, as well as intelligence and insight. And a great metabolism, two Mountain Dews and Cheetos..I would have gained 10 lbs just looking at them
13.
Another Time | January 27, 2012 at 12:59 pm
As I read this the song Freshmen by Verve Pipe came on the radio to set the background mood. It strengthened your all ready ultra powerful words. I’m sorry people were and even are such little toads. I’m glad you got to enjoy the park. Hope it is as nice there as it is here.
14.
Lisa | January 27, 2012 at 1:05 pm
LT, I really appreciate your post today. Our situation is different than many foster ones, but the bottom line is that we have a little girl here who we love desperately. I am sure she does not feel like she is for rent, but rather it is the rest of the family who senses the uncertainty of permanency for her. Recently, I have been feeling especially discouraged by the system that is supposed to protect her and all the other kids. Your post today strengthened my resolve to keep fighting for her. I don’t EVER want her to have a For Rent feeling. You don’t deserve that and neither does she.
Praying for you that you will have a better day today. If you want to put something else on your sign, I’d suggest, “I am LT and I have a purpose.”
15.
Linka | January 27, 2012 at 5:44 pm
(((LT))) Oh, how I wish we didn’t have to have the foster care system, how I wish people would not abuse and neglect their kids…how I wish all foster parents would be good ones…
YOU are making a MAJOR contribution to making the good ones even better, and maybe even the mediocre ones good ones…but no one can make the bad ones something they aren’t…I for one believe kids when they tell me about the bad ones, and I do as much as I can to make sure that at the least, they don’t get any more placements from my agency…
The more you write, the more you inspire me to improve my mothering abilities and my social worker abilities, and my relationship with my girl…am thinking of welcoming another young lady into our family…she is stepping down from residential…they can’t find a placement for her, and even though it would really make us crowded, I figure the more the merrier, and at least here she would become a permanent part of my family, even if she choses to move on after she is done with school….but, be clear on this-I will not do it for money-although the added funds will enable me to put up a swimming pool, and get an Xbox 360 (for the girls, not me, I don’t play video games)…what do you think,,,??? Blessings!
16.
butterflysblog | January 27, 2012 at 11:32 pm
Sweet LT – another one that made me cry. My heart aches when you are sad like this. And the shitty part is that you hav every right in the world to be sad, to feel cheated out of what you should have gotten. May the next part of our life make up for the first part, sweet LT. We are all here behind you sweetie.
-Butterfly
17.
bec | January 28, 2012 at 12:46 am
hey buddy, hope you’re feeling better today. I feel inadequate to respond to your post to provide any helpful suggestion on how to navigate the dark waters of your past and present thoughts. In that way, I am grateful that you have Dr. Val, who from your last post seems to have a knack for helping you gain a healthier perspective of yourself. I find one of the hardest things is to do is to pick ourselves up and be strong when life has been tough for a very long time. But, I believe in you and I know you will get through it. sometimes I find sites like lifehack.org and soulpancake.com useful and encouraging- maybe you will too.
18.
Cheryl | January 28, 2012 at 10:04 pm
LT, I am sorry that you have been through so much.
Praying for brighter days to come your way…
19.
tara | January 29, 2012 at 4:31 am
Thats quite a way of seeing it i know alot of kids who came through the foster home i was at saw my foster parents(& the rest of us for that matter)as the reason they couldnt go home like it had nothing to do with their abusive/drug addict parents being locked away or other reasons that the foster parents had nothing to do with.i have plenty i could say on this topic …lc if you ever want to discuss things email me..tara_williams325@yahoo.com i would be interested in talking to you..being one who aged out2
20.
tara | January 29, 2012 at 5:02 am
Sorry i meant LT
)…im bad with names and even worse with initials! i blame it on meeting way to many people in my life so i stopped bothering to learn names quickly…i just learn energy/personality first..thats all you really need anyhow
21.
i was a foster parent | January 29, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Last night, my nineteen year old pre-adopt daughter, who came to me post-foster care for both of us, major league kirked off, screaming and threatening — it was horrible and scary. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but it still happens.
LT, it is waaaaay hard to love her some days. WAAAAAAY Hard. I don’t know if I do love her in those moments. I have learned to react less — get away, intellectually remind myself of all the trauma, hurt and fear in her life.
She is horrible with money. Horrible. I know, I know, this is all a part of her baggage, but it is waaaay hard to deal with it. She can find the money for thing she wants — hair dos, nail polish, etc, but doesn’t find the money for the things of life that must be paid for — food, water, electricity, etc.
She has an income of her own cuz she is a teen mom. I do a ton of child care. A TON. Like all teens, she takes me and what i do for granted. She is a bully and when i bring things up like contributing to the household budget, she goes competely ballestic. You hurt yourself, you turn your pain inward, she turns it outward. And she is really really scary when she goes off. My dogs quiver when she is screaming. She threatens to hit me, she gets all in my grill and she is very good at being horrible. Very very good at it.
Her little sister told me that she has been afraid of her her whole life. She is twelve, and we get her frequently on the weekends. She told me that she always does what big sister asks cause she is afraid she will pound her into the ground.
Now, all that being said, she has come a long way, she is a good kid at heart, she is funny and sweet, and reslient and kind (at times) and deep inside her heart is all busted up into pieces because, just as you write, she was a paycheck for many many years. She is workign hard to create a better life for herself, She doesn’t know a lot of basic stuff — like how to be polite, how to talk through a problem, how to prioritze, how to thank people when they help you out.
Anyway, LT, keep writing. On days like today when I am thinking what am I doing and why am I doing it — does it matter? Will we ever have a relationship of good will? Am I stupid for taking this sh*t? I am sick and tired of geting blasted, screamed at, etc etc. Feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was in a life where someone didn’t scream and threaten me, cursing, etc. etc.
And, like you, i check out with my dogs and just get depressed and feel horrible and hopeless at times.
Then your blog post comes and I wish you had a mom, and a family, and someone to work through all your sadness with. I am not saying th sun comes out and my spirits lift right away, or that the risk that she will never be able to love me without needing to inflict pain, but, I am glad that she has someone who is willing to try.
I honestly don’t know if we will make it. It is impossible to tell. I can love her, I can do what I can, but, as your blog so eloquently demonstrates, these are very deep hurts and they don’t heal easily, even when someone is smart and self-aware (on this topic, you are Mars and she is on Venus).
Thanks for letting me vent and wonder aloud. Foster care is horrible, really horrible. I don’t know how to solve the probem of abuse and neglect, but I know that the foster care system is abusive, so kids are jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
22.
uninvitedparent | January 29, 2012 at 6:04 pm
My mom said some things similar to what you’ve expressed here about foster parents, until she became a GAL volunteering to advocate for kids in the system. Then she finally realized that it wasn’t foster parents passing kids on (usually), but the system requiring them to move. Most foster parents try their best. Many would love to adopt, but the system is set up to not work for the kids nor work for the foster parents. It is sad for all involved.
I know that for my mother, who didn’t start volunteering until in her 60s, that helping foster kids in the system has helped her finally start to heal from the trauma of it all.
23.
Paula Izuagie | January 30, 2012 at 12:39 am
Connect to God, he is the light in the dark tunnels of life. Fosterparenting is a very noble cause to those of us who take it serious. just always remember there are great fosterparents who love their new children asmuch as they love their own. Sometimes it may appear as if the money is the only thing some parents want, and for some it is but here in the real world you can’t feed,clothe or keep a child warm on just love ,thats not what our society works on alone. Those of us who feel unappreciated by the system still do the best we can to make sure our chiuldren’s lives are as close to normal as possible with the little that is given as support.Keep your head up high your testimony is the reason your life is what it is. You have alot of people to help with your struggle. We all have something in our lives we can talk about, but yours is special keep it pushin your victory is heere.
24.
Kara | January 30, 2012 at 2:17 pm
LT. I know nothing anyone says can fix what’s happened to you. But please know my heart aches for you. We’ve been doing foster care for almost 2 years now. We’ve had 4 placements who are still with us and I thank God everyday for them. I can’t imagine NOT loving them, and not making them part of our family. We will be adopting 2 of them hopefully very soon, one is going home to her dad and the other (a 1/2 brother to one we’re adopting) we don’t know what will happen with him. We didn’t plan it this way, but they’re all little ones. Our oldest is 3, then 2, 2, and 4 months. Our oldest has been in SIX homes in a 1 1/2 years. We are her LAST and forever home. She came to us broken, scared and angry. She couldn’t talk or express her emotions. Everyone gave up on her, but we refused to. 9 months later, she’s jumping,& laughing. She sings at the top of her lungs and talks non stop! I have so much pride in her! I know she’ll have her issues, and she’ll struggle. But we will ALWAYS love her! We will love all of them, living with us or not. Right now we’re fighting to get a 9 year old who we’ve fallen in love with. Her foster family, does not seem to care about her and it makes us so angry. I worry that it’s unfair to all the kids that they have to share their rooms. I’ve made the comment that they’re packed in like sardines. If we get her we’ll have 3 girls sharing a room and 2 boys sharing another. We’re hoping to move soon so they’ll have more space. We’re not doing it for the money, but I worry others won’t see it that way. LT, how can we keep them from feeling “rented”? How can we show them, that we truly love them. Please share any insight you might have with me. I was always raised on the value that family is love, not blood. I believe it with my whole heart.
25.
Michelle | February 4, 2012 at 2:09 am
I’m sorry this entry comes from such a sad place for you. But I want you to know that your words will change someone. I’m a recruiter for a foster care agency and I constantly feel like people are “grocery shopping” for kids and I want to tear my hair out. This entry is a great analogy and one I think I will start incorporating when I’m talking with potential families. So hopefully at least some people will think twice before they make another child feel the way you described.