the poem of my life
January 28, 2012 at 2:01 am 26 comments
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Did you have your moments of fun, slummin’ with the shit,
Comon’ really. …there was never much more to it.
.
Was it narcassitic to share all your success,
With one who is constantly living in distress?
.
I guess I am the idiot for trying to belong,
In the world of “the normal,” fuck I was wrong.
.
I guess it is humorous to laugh at my expense,
It must be funny to fuck with me, a person so dense.
.
It’s exactly what I expect and what I am used to,
People realize I am shit, and bid me adieu.
.
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: abandonment, aged-out foster kids, feelings, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, no family, trauma.
1.
dimple | January 28, 2012 at 2:10 am
shit doesn’t know it’s shit. it’s not able to feel or perceive things.
so, there is that proof, that you can’t be shit.
also proof, you’re not a heaping pile of digested food.
lt, you’re stardust, and that’s physics.
:]
2.
Jodi | January 28, 2012 at 2:16 am
You rock.
3.
dimple | January 29, 2012 at 11:21 pm
you also rock :]
4.
Jodi | January 28, 2012 at 2:30 am
I send you a hug and a cup of homemade hot chocolate, along with some treats for the fuzzy crew there. You are a shiny diamond LT, not poo-poo. Wish I could pick you up and hug the hurt away sweetie. XO.
5.
Cesarea | January 28, 2012 at 3:39 am
Love you, LT. Hope you are okay.
6.
MamatoMany | January 28, 2012 at 3:45 am
Thinking of you.
7.
Fiona | January 28, 2012 at 6:24 am
LT… all of us shit, but you ARE NOT shit. I read your amazing blog and just cry every time. Wishing I could turn back time and make things different for you.
Having lived through my own hell on earth as a kid, I want to say to you, yes I know what it’s like to feel like I’m shit and worthless. To be broken and used and abandoned and so much rubbish to be crumpled up and trodden on and thrown away.
BUT. We have to change our own self-dialogue. It’s not easy. I had to force myself – instead of agreeing with myself when I told myself what a worthless scum-of-the-earth shithead loser I was, I forced myself to tell myself – that is a LIE. I am just as worthy as anyone else on this planet. I have just as much right to be alive, to be happy, to be treated well including treated well by ME, to be loved…etc. And it took a LONG time and a LOT of telling myself things that I didn’t believe at first and felt stupid and guilty to tell myself… but in time, it started to work. while my actual circumstances didn’t change, I changed, and my LIFE became more positive.
Please hang in there and don’t give up on yourself, LT. You are here for a reason. xx
8.
lee1978Lee | January 28, 2012 at 7:13 am
I’m sorry you are hurting. You are important and not shit. Please try to beleive in yourself and in the fact that there are good people who care.
9.
Christina | January 28, 2012 at 9:40 am
Dear LT,
Looks like life has thrown you another curve ball. I’m so sorry that you’re in pain. I wish you could feel what we feel for you. We care about you, admire you, and like you. I like YOU.
Whatever you went through, whatever was done to you does not make you less precious in this life.
Don’t give up on you.
Sincerely,
Christina
10.
Foster Mom in Training | January 28, 2012 at 10:15 am
((hugs))
11.
Kathy | January 28, 2012 at 11:05 am
hi LT – i have been a lurker here for a while. and i am about to act like a mom! found your site when a foster was ripped out of my home so he could be in a hospital setting to be over-medicated for months on end. i didn’t know this was going to happen – i was instructed to take him to the hospital because he had become violent. dangerous to himself and dangerous to us (he’d already been way dangerous to the house!). had i known that i would never see him again, i would have never have taken him to the hospital. there were other ways to deal with this lad.
anyway. . .i didn’t mean for this to be about me. i think you should get the last laugh…find a way to use your anger to help other foster kids. you have already been a huge help to me. after reading your “instructions” – i found a number of ways i might have been able to deal with my last kid…but it was after the fact. it would be so very helpful for you to find a way to get to us (the foster parents…and we aren’t all bad) during our training. your blog should be a must-read for foster parents in training. but at some point LT – you gotta channel your anger with your situation into something positive or it will eventually eat you alive. you will either start behaving in regretable ways or you will get sick. neither is good.
i have experience in the foster care side of things and my daughter is currently managing a non-profit program for aged-out foster kids. imagine yourself providing insight on a speaking tour (for which you could charge a fee)…or maybe putting your blog into a manual that you could sell to foster care programs. you are articulate and willing to speak about your life experiences. if you think that either of us could be of help to you, feel free to contact me off-blog. mv kath @ aol. com (take out the spaces used to evade spamming spiders)
i don’t comment here much but i read every post. if you read these comments, you already know that you have helped people and that most of us already love you and would be proud to parent you – even now that you are all grown up. we need family and good friends all life long. got a rescue kittie barfing on my new carpet – so i’m outta here. take care of you. mvk
12.
Lisa | January 28, 2012 at 4:26 pm
I’m a mom too and I say ditto to what Kath said.
13.
Ann | January 28, 2012 at 11:34 am
LT – it’s been awhile. I caught up on everything you have wrote. Sorry for being gone, I have been working hard trying to settle in. My job will move me again then I will have to figure out everything again… but enough about me.
I’m thinking that things are going well right now for the both of us (minus the last 2 or 3 blog posts of yours). Your settlement has come through, you did well in PT, you have made friends both young and old, your animals still love you (though I doubt that’s ever going to change), you can work again, and you soon might have a new bike! Even if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop (waiting for something to go bad, for someone to say something negative, for it all to go away), why not enjoy this why you have it? I too am waiting for things to bad for life is rarely easy… but why they are good I might as well try to smile and take it for what it is worth. It’s hard, I know. I’m waiting for my work to blow up at me, for them to realize I’m not that smart, for my new friends to go away (although I’m the one leaving now), for me to dislike my job, for money to run out… none of these things have happened yet, and I don’t know for sure if they will ever happen, but I feel like I’m waiting for them to do so. In waiting for the bad, I’m not really enjoying how good things are right now. Good memories can be had right now, I know this. I should take advantage of it. I know I should…
Anyway. I hope to keep hearing for you… P.S. You aren’t shit.
14.
Mary | January 28, 2012 at 11:40 am
: (
xo
15.
Splintered | January 28, 2012 at 11:56 am
The poem is excellent and I understand it speaks to how you feel, but you are not shit.
16.
Melissa | January 28, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Praying for you. (((LT)))
17.
michelle v | January 28, 2012 at 1:35 pm
you might feel that way, but you are more than how you feel. keep your eye out for people you can be a blessing you with friendship. likely more people around u are feeling inadequate and not fitting in. it’s the human condition.
♥ michelle
18.
Bonnie | January 28, 2012 at 5:11 pm
I hope, I hope, that nothing bad happened with you and KC and Jessie and Mark. God, I hope. I have nothing other than my hope, but I’m giving it all I have.
19.
Ross | January 29, 2012 at 2:45 am
You are awesome! You are amazing!
Xoxo
20.
Becca | January 29, 2012 at 10:40 am
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Hoping that today is a better, brighter day for you.
21.
YW | January 29, 2012 at 11:05 am
LT you are sooo not shit, most of the foster parents you had were shit, for not teaching you and not giving you the love you needed so badly.
I am trying to find the opposite word of shit.. but could not find it? but I am thinking of Jasmine, Gardenia or Four O’clocks, great smelling flowers.. that is more how I see you: You are sooo NOT SHIT!
You hear me LT? I hope one day you can focus on the future it must be hard to leave this pain behind what those bastards did to you.. I hope one day you can.. You so deserve a bright fun future..
And a new bike, which is coming ..soon I hope.. have you picked one out yet.. do you have a local bike shop you can go to and see which one you want, one with a big comfy seat? Or check craigslist? I hope to hear from you soon with another poem a poem that I can smile about this last one made me cry.. but send what ever poem comes to you mind I am hoping it gives you some relieve when sharing your pain with us.? Does it help you ? Try to think of ways that help you ease the pain, and tell us, let us know what we can do to ease the pain ?
love you,
YW
22.
Krista | January 29, 2012 at 1:03 pm
LT, you are not and never will be shit. Ever. I am thinkimg of,you, dearest. Sorry for tje weird typing, I am on a friends phone amd dont quite have the hang of it…
23.
Cookie | January 29, 2012 at 4:56 pm
You’re NOT shit, and I’m not bidding you adieu. I’m reading your blog as long as you write it.
I hope nothing’s happened to you that prompted this poem. I’m thinking about you…
24.
bec | January 29, 2012 at 6:07 pm
25.
butterflysblog | January 29, 2012 at 8:00 pm
Sweet LT – it seems to me that all kinds of people love you and care about you. We don’t feel that way about crap. You feel like crap, but that isn’t how we see you. Far from it. I couldn’t possibly think any higher of you. You are a warrior, in every sense of the word. And yet still you are beautiful and kind.
- Butterfly
26.
Another Voice | January 29, 2012 at 9:12 pm
(((((hugs)))))
still listening………..