not liking biking
January 29, 2012 at 11:11 pm 27 comments
Today I was sitting on my futon watching Spongebob, trying to hide from the reality of my life. Windows opened and covered in my thumb-sucking ribbon blanket, I faded in and out throughout the day… passing time waiting for the day to be over.
.
Around 2:00 PM, my buzzer “buzzed” and I was knocked out of my slumber by the constant annoying sound of BUZZZZZZ. I waited to see if it stopped and it did not. I got up and went to my door, expecting a mistake or kids playing “ding, dong, ditch.”
ME: “yeah?”
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZz
ME: “yeah?”
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ME: “what the fuck? go away!!”
As I pushed the button to hear the response from downstairs…. I heard laughter. Lots of stupid laughter…. and then:
KC: “LOL. Let me up grumpy! LOL”
I stoo
d there staring at the buzzer with the OMG expression realizing that the laughter at the other end of the annoying BUZZZZZZ was my friend KC. What a way to annoy someone who is sitting on their ass feeling sorry for themselves.
ME: “OMG KC…. you suck!”
I buzzed KC up and before I could wipe the OMG expression off my face, she was standing in front of me smiling. I just shook my head and shuffled quickly back to my futon and covered myself, trying to hide…. as she headed towards my kitchen.
KC: “LT, you have nothing to eat! Just beer….I’m starving… “
ME: “check the closet. there is some cheetos in there i think ….my god. … did you just come over to eat cheetos, because im in a bad mood and im sleeping today.”
No response, but I heard KC open the door to the pantry closet and find my cheetos. She grabbed the bag and a glass of water and came in the room. Shadow was all excited and Moonlight was not. Harbor went up above the cabinets with all the BUZZZING.
She flashed a cheetos smile at me and
KC: “LT, get up. You are being grumpy. Let’s go look at bikes! It’s awesome out and we could try them out… “
ME: “no thanks. im tired.”
KC: “No, yo
u’re grumpy.”
ME: “you would be grumpy too if someone showed up at your place, buzzed the buzzer so much that the entire universe is now deaf, and ate your only bag of cheetos….. . you dont need a bike anyway…”
KC: “Yeah, im going get one and we can go riding. I’m totally out of shape. … and your lazy ass is out of shape too because you have not been doing anything for months. LOL. Plus I am tired of paying to park at school, so I am going to park somewhere free and bike to class.”
ME: “im really tired. lets just watch cartoons.”
Before I knew it, I was getting in KC’s car and heading to some bike shop in 
another part of the city. KC talked the entire way and I just listened. I didn’t feel so great about this. We got to the bike shop and KC jumped out of the car like a little kid about to head to a toy store. I rolled my GRUMPY eyes and got out. It was a big shop that carried both kids and adult bikes, mountain bikes and street bikes, funny bikes and normal bikes. I didn’t feel so excited.
I followed KC
and we headed towards the 2nd part of the store where adult bikes were located. There were tons of bikes. Honestly, I did not even have a clue what to do… normally I got my bikes “used” except for the last one, which my boss gave to me. I was never in a shop with so many bikes to choose from. So, I decided to look by color. KC was talking to some sales person and I was walking around looking for green bikes. Next thing I heard KC yelling “comon LT, let’s try one out.”
She was standing in the aisle holding a blue hybrid bike.
I grabbed a green mountain bike and walked over to her. The back of the shop had a big paved area that connected with a couple “not-so-busy” streets, that you could take the bikes for a test ride. KC had to leave her driver’s license. We took the bikes outside and KC hopped on and started riding around. I watched her. I didn’t really feel like riding. ” LT, lets go around the block.”
I went to hop on the green mountain bike, but my body did not move. I was frozen. I started seeing flashes — a car coming at me, a car hitting my bike, the hospital, pee problems, wrist, my broken bike — and I felt surreal as I stared at the bike.
I couldn’t get on… I didn’t want to get on…
… maybe I don’t want a bike anymore… Let KC have one.
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, bike, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, friend, PTSD.
1.
Foster Mom in Training | January 29, 2012 at 11:26 pm
LT, it’s normal to feel scared after what you’ve been through. A bike wreck is traumatic. Your feelings are valid. I’m sorry you had such a rough day. I hope you’ll share this experience with Dr. Val. ((hugs))
2.
Another Voice | January 29, 2012 at 11:39 pm
(((Hugs)))
3.
Crumble | January 30, 2012 at 12:05 am
That makes so much sense! But it is so sad! Oh, LT!
4.
Splintered | January 30, 2012 at 12:13 am
LT, getting hit is a trauma emotionally and physically. It might take you some time to feel safe on a bike again. It was a good first step to go and look and touch. One step at a time. I am glad KC got you off the futon and out! ((LT))
5.
Cesarea | January 30, 2012 at 12:15 am
I’m so sorry!!!! I hope that you feel comfortable riding one someday soon. You are a good friend to KC! It was so nice of you to go with her even though you didn’t feel like it.
6.
Ross | January 30, 2012 at 1:04 am
Well it is a good thing to know in advance how do you feel about bikes so you could work it out with Dr Val. That way when you are ready to buy a bike, you will be ready to ride it as well.
Your emotions and rejection about the bike are totally valid and I really hope that the next time you go to the bike shop, you are as excited as KC was, ready to buy your brand new green bike.
xoxo
7.
Mary | January 30, 2012 at 1:44 am
I’m not surprised….Post Traumatic Stress from the accident….Sorry Sweetheart…more work for you with Dr. Val…Don’t give up, you’ve come such a long way…You can do this!….Shine On LT!…
xo
8.
Jodi | January 30, 2012 at 2:07 am
We’ve all had days of the grouchies
. There are better days ahead and you’ll find that perfect bike for you. XO.
9.
Eilan~Briga | January 30, 2012 at 6:01 am
Dear LT,
Did something bad happened to him?
I know how it feels like having to face a transport mean after an accident (for myself it was driving my car again). Yes, it can be painfull and scary.. but slowly you will get your way around it (like i was trying to avoid the accident place all the time)..
Harbour looks lovely on the fridge! But can’t see his left leg
Eilan~
10.
lee1978Lee | January 30, 2012 at 6:25 am
I was like that after a car accident. (and no one was hurt the way you were.) Everytime I closed my eyes I would see it happening again. Sending understanding hugs.
11.
selphiras | January 30, 2012 at 8:21 am
Go for the green one! (Green’s my favorite color, too!) Anyway, I was afraid that’s what would happen. I know it’s going to be tough to start riding again, but I hope you can do it. Little by little?
And I *adore* the grumpy little girl pic. Perfect!
12.
KimB | January 30, 2012 at 8:42 am
Oh LT, I am sorry this happened, but it is very common after being in an accident. Since you already suffer from PTSD, a trauma like this can multiply your symptoms.
Years ago, someone hit my car from the side. I was driving two friends to the mall for a “girl’s night out.” Although no one was seriously injured, it took awhile for me to get comfortable behind the wheel again. I practiced in parking lots with my husband and then graduated to driving on the roads on weekend mornings (because they are not very busy). I just needed to get my confidence back.
Someone once told me that I should have gotten back into the car and driving immediately, but I don’t think I could have. We are all different and handle things differently. Accidents are scary, because many times they are out of our control.
I hope you told KC. Maybe she can help you by going to parking lots or non-busy roads with you. Since you like riding, I hope you work on it, but if you decide you don’t want to ride anymore, that is ok too.
13.
Lisa | January 30, 2012 at 8:43 am
Well, the silver lining to this is that your reaction is completely normal and understandable. I retired from many years in law enforcement and had contact with hundreds of people involved in accidents, as well as one myself. I was surprised at how scared I was to drive again and my accident was nothing compared to yours.
Hang in there. Time is your friend with this. It will get better.
14.
Pat | January 30, 2012 at 11:32 am
I agree with Lisa. It’s scary and it will be hard at first, but you can ride again. You’ve been through so much – be gentle with yourself! ((Hugs))
15.
michelle v | January 30, 2012 at 9:37 am
i like #13 lisa’s response. you will get through this LT. let us know how it goes.
♥ michelle
16.
MamaMama | January 30, 2012 at 9:42 am
That would be traumatic the first time! I hope you get more comfortable. Did a part take over? Good luck, keep trucking.
17.
YW | January 30, 2012 at 11:12 am
You will get through this I know LT! You might have also felt dizzy from not eating? you have to start to eat healthy you will see that will help as well!! No food = No energy ! Please eat healthy sstuff like carrots and spinach and toasted raisin bread.. and cheese! You will see Food = Engergy..!! (I would suggest healthy food, not beer and cheetos.. k?)
walk, bike, jog if you can (but not without a healthy diet !! take care LT.. how many days do you work now ? Any idea when you can get some money to start buying sstuff and filling the Fridge ?
http://www.blackbirdbikes.com/cargoplatform.htm how about a side by side bike like this for you AND KC and Shadow can sit in the back
but get a harnass for her.. so she does not jump out and get hurt.. ? what ya think ?? what ya think I feel like KC and want to jump up and down to show you..
Please please please start eating and drinking OJ and other juices (acai) are also good and gatorade and power bars.. just come live here for a few months I will feed you healthy sstuff and you will be jumping up and down full of energy too !!
18.
Another Time | January 30, 2012 at 11:44 am
I know that feeling LT. Happened to me after an injury from launching myself (to safety) off a horse. It takes time to work through the emotions enough to get back on. Just take it slow. KC probably isn’t ready for biking on the roads anyway. You guys should try the park when you get bikes. Do either of the dogs run with you?
As for KC dragging you out, did you feel a bit better at the end of all it? She seems to know exactly when you need some time out to see the nice days.
19.
linka | January 30, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Hi LT! I am glad to see that despite your grumpies, you went with KC. Can you help her understand your reaction? Talking is good therapy, as you already know, and she will understand if you process the event with her.
I agree with all the rest of the crew-TTT (things take time). And PTSD can be conquered. I couldn’t ride as a passenger in a car for ages after an accident, but it finally went away. Hang in there!
(((Lots of Hugs for you))) and give your furbabies a hug for me, too! Blessings!
20.
Krista | January 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm
LT, what you just experienced is completely normal, just like the others in your blog crew are telling you. It will take practice and time for you to feel comfortable again on a bike, but you can do it! You are smart and you are strong and you have KC with you as your very own personal cheerleader — even though you might not want her as a cheerleader, lol.
I’m glad that you have such a great friend, LT. And I love love love the picture you found of the grumpy pouting little girl — too cute!
21.
Becca | January 30, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Yeah, it’s totally normal to have fears about getting back on the bike. Maybe you can practice riding it in the park for awhile before you go back out on the street with it. Practice will help bring back your confidence.
22.
abbys momma | January 30, 2012 at 6:48 pm
I’m sorry it was so rough today.
23.
butterflysblog | January 30, 2012 at 7:12 pm
Sweet LT – you were innocently riding your bike when some shithead inadvertently harmed you. You were really hurt and you were in pain, and it reminded you of all the other hurts in your life. It’s okay to feel like crap about it. You’ve always been very brave and I have no doubt that eventually, with some trauma work with Dr. Val, you will get back on the bike. Also, maybe it’s time to get yourself a car AND a bike. Car for necessity, bike for pleasure.
You are awesome.
-Butterfly
24.
MamatoMany | January 30, 2012 at 8:56 pm
Thinking of you.
25.
Melissa | January 31, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Praying for you. (((LT)))
26.
jen | January 31, 2012 at 9:53 pm
I felt the same way after my car accident. It was so hard to get back in my car and keep driving. I forced myself to because I had no choice and the first few times left me sweaty and shaky, but after a few days it wasn’t so hard and a few more days it was like I was never scared. It won’t be the same for you, I know, because you won’t have the false sense of security from the shell of the car around you, but I think you can do it. And if you don’t want to, that’s okay too. You should get enough from your settlement when you get it that you can buy a car (and lessons if you need them) or pay for bus passes or something. I hope it gets easier – that really sucks that you were hit.
27.
ella | February 1, 2012 at 2:09 am
Hey, LT sorry I haven’t able to write. I was sick, but I did read your post. No need to rush buying a new bike, take your time. When I had my accident, it was also scary,,too. I tried my best not to cross the street,or I will cross the street holding my bf-now hubby’s hands. Until few months ago, I was still little scared( even though the accident happened 6 years ago). Not in US, though. You have the ” push the button” to cross the street, I am happy here. Just take your time. Maybe you can start get use to it again, like riding in a block or park. Don’t speed when ride the bike, get a big horn so you can warn people before you make a turn, or if the street is really crowded, just ride in pedestrian’s road. I am afraid too, riding a bike on the busy street. I usually walk the bike during the downhill or when I must go to the main street. It is okay to be afraid, keep you alert ( I think so!).
Haiya LT, just take your time for everything. Nobody rush you to be healed soon, to overcome the grief or anger.take your time. One at a time. People have their own pace. No need to put yourself in the same pace they have( or race!). Don’t hate yourself. We are here for you. Sweet LT, we are your family. We care about you. We are still here, we won’t leave you alone. Okay?