why am i alive
February 2, 2012 at 1:10 am 74 comments
actually, maybe what i really meant to write among all my wondering is… i wonder why i am alive. seriously? why didnt i die yet? i have cheated death more times than a cat, both by other people’s hands and by my own. i wonder why my body wont give up and just stop. its not like my life has any meaning or purpose. its not like i care.
..
many times i
have laid on the ground staring at the sky waiting to die, when my brain has given up and wants to go. my fucking body keeps moving forward. i have been stabbed, beaten to a pulp multiple times at different ages, stomach pumped (which is actually more like stomach contents sucked out through mouth tube as you lay on your side) and then charcoaled, when i overdosed multiple times, had a terrible infection when i lived on the streets, been hit by a car, and god only knows what else ….
…and i wonder what keeps me alive?
i dont want to be alive. i really dont.
i dont belong here. i dont belong on this planet. i dont belong to the “human” race. life is governed by relationships and connections you make along your journey. people that you love and people that love you. family, friends…that mark different periods of your life. i once read that prisoners of war that survived were the ones that could bring up a soothing image and thoughts of their mom. connection to family, to a memory of family. i have none of those connections…
why am i surviving? is it continued torture, as I move through life realizing more and more i will never fit in?
today i watched people and i
realized that i will never be like most people in the US. i am so far behind in life, relationships, education, and who knows what else. i dont believe that i can ever catch up. even compared to people who have had life experiences similar to mine, i am still behind… in it all. abuse survivors with relationships, platonic and sexual… i have one relationship whereas people my age usually have multiple friends. when my one friend is busy, i have no other human to connect with. people my age are in college or working jobs that make a salary. i work per hour, minimum wage, because i have no skills or education. people my age have played sports or play an instrument or sold girl scout cookies or learned to swim, activities that define them … i am defined by survival.
i wonder what people see when they look at me? i wonder if “disconnected” and “rejected” is written on my forehead.
i wonder if whatever made so many people not want me, still shows itself to those that are staring back at me?
…i know i tried the wrong methods in the past, and that wont happen again… but even without looking at the attempts by my own hands, what about the other events of my life….
why am i alive ? … i really shouldnt be.
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, death, depression, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, suicide.
1.
michelle v | February 2, 2012 at 1:26 am
you are alive because your life has a purpose. everyone feels behind if they are comparing to other people. life is not meant to be lived that way. it’s not about that. keep building on the meaningful relationships you currently have and working towards your dreams. you have lots of opportunity ahead of u. registering into an art program would be the best for life enjoyment and practical therapy. make plans. you have a lot more living to do.
♥ michelle
2.
dimple | February 2, 2012 at 1:30 am
it’s hard to do, but important to try not to compare yourself to other people. it’s the easiest and quickest way to make yourself feel horrible.
you do more than just survive, you cartoon, you invent salads, you play with your dogs.
you don’t need a degree to be an awesome person, lt.
you’re on your own schedule for life events.
3.
Tash | February 2, 2012 at 1:33 am
I read your posts and I get so sad that you don’t see your own importance. What you write here has taught me so much, is teaching others so much and if that were the only reason for your existence, that would be enough. But I don’t believe that is the only reason. All that has happened to you is not your fault and does not make you the bad person you believe you are. The work you put in with Dr Val will at some point allow you to make/feel connections beyond KC and her family. In fact you connect, every time you write, with lots of people. Don’t underestimate your importance, you are a very important person. I’m sorry that you continue to hurt and hop that one day the hurt will have left you.
With love
Tash
4.
michelle v | February 2, 2012 at 1:42 am
just read this post on this blog i love and thought of you. read it and be encouraged.
http://smallnotebook.org/2012/01/30/ditch-the-negative-self-talk/
♥ michelle
5.
YW | February 2, 2012 at 1:47 am
sad to read your post today..
I wish I had your talents with the picture sharing not sure where you find all of them but if I could find some pictures today it would be of all of us (you readers) being cute sponges (heart shaped and color red) around you close to you, to absorb all your pain. and we give you this mega hug you have been needed for a long time..
Do not compare yourself to others. you are unique you will find many reasons for being here on this planet (next to teaching about fostering and keeping kids safe) you will see, time will tell.
once you have some money get a Kindle and read some positive books or books full of jokes and fun things. I want to hear and see you laugh.
Another book I think you might like is : The Joy of Visualization: 75 creative ways to enhance your life (Author is Valerie Wells). It might help you make some changes and as the author writes: more effectively realize individual potential. order it today ok?
really wish there was something more I can do for you then just listen to you….
YW
6.
Jodi | February 2, 2012 at 2:11 am
You have so much to truly live for. Caring for your animals, your beautiful writing, your ongoing progress…you were beat down for a long time, sweetie, it’s going to take time and effort to build up to knowing that YOU are special person. And don’t be too hard on yourself about not having a million friends, i’m an introvert with few close friends but learned to be accepting of this as too many people in my life would be stressful to me. And I’m picky, I like truly kindhearted people and wow they are kind of hard to find! I send many hugs and hopes that things get better and happier for you. XO.
7.
Mary | February 2, 2012 at 1:50 am
You won’t discover the goodness you possess if you compare yourself to others or to many of the stereotypical social norms that defy the awesomeness of who you are as you journey to create who you dream to be…..
xo
8.
Jen | February 2, 2012 at 1:58 am
I agree with the others that it’s best not to compare. Besides, I think you’re overestimating people’s success sometimes. Most people in their 20s are getting wages, not a salary – and a lot of young people haven’t been able to even find a job in the last few years, with the economy being messed up. Also, most people feel like they don’t fit in at least some of the time. I think “normal” is an imaginary thing. I find that sometimes people seem normal but are pretty nuts once you get to know them better, and other people who are wacky on the surface (like KC) are actually pretty stable.
Anyway, with the money from your accident, now you have a chance to try hobbies that you might like, and take classes if you like. Lots of people have mentioned an art class. Have you ever thought about hobbies you might like to try? Also, hobbies and classes are good ways to make new friends.
Have you ever considered taking a beginner cooking class? I didn’t learn much about cooking until I was in my 20s, but I sometimes found that each thing I learned how to do helped a bit in feeling more in control of my life. Also, if you can cook you can eat more cheaply, which is nice for anyone who’s ever had to worry about being able to afford food – which I have in the past.
9.
Cesarea | February 2, 2012 at 2:03 am
You should be alive! Please feel the sincere blind love from your blog crew tonight. LT, it’ll get better. You’re alive. It’s only guaranteed for right now, so please make the most of it and see the wonderful things that life will bring you.
10.
ella | February 2, 2012 at 2:11 am
One word to define LT: warrior. Yesterday, a friend share a quote on facebook: Warriors are not what you think of warriors. The warrior is not someone who fights, because no one has rights to take another life( and his life). The warrior is one who sactifices himself for the good of others. His task is to take care of the elderly, the defenseless, those who can not provide for themselves, and above all, the children, the future of humanity ( by Sitting Bull, I think he was an Indian Chief).
You : sacrifice your time to write and educate people about foster life. You: try your best to talk about this foster life, even though recalling the memory back is awful, but you care about the children,you still write it anyway.
Lt, I don’t know why you experience this and that in your life. But, I am glad I have a chance to know you, to learn from you. Many people think the same like me, too.
About your feeling of not belong to anyone. Think about it again. People may look happy and okay outside, but maybe they also feel lonely, too. Many people wear mask, LT. Don’t compare your life with theirs. About not being good enough. Are we all good enough? Knowledge in this world are unlimited, life is so short. Who has the chance to learn all of the knowledge in this world. There is sky above the sky LT, don’t worry. All of us are learning new things everyday. Even the professor, even the actress. Remember, too. You may have great skills, fame or wealth, but if you have no love for others, what’s the use of it. You are far above them, because we know your heart.
11.
The Sleeper | February 2, 2012 at 2:23 am
Why are you alive is a very good question. Most people probably would not be in many of your situations, but you are, so that must mean something about your spirit.
I read that many people are suggesting not to compare yourself to other people, but the reality is we all do. Appearance, money, material items, almost in everything we compare ourselves to others. But in your case, I don’t think there is a fair comparison. What if you compared yourself to aged-out foster children? You have already beat some of those statistics! It is not a fair comparison to make between you and someone like KC who grew up in an intact family.
LT, there is a reason you are not dead. Maybe no-one knows what yet, but don’t throw in the towel when things are changing. You may be shocked in 5 years. {{hugs}}
12.
Mel | February 2, 2012 at 9:17 am
I posted below, but you’re right. EVERYONE compares them to everyone else. The trouble is, we compare ourselves to what they want us to see, not who they actually are.
I know rape survivors, child abuse victims, drug addicts. If they hadn’t told me these things, I would still compare myself to their six figure salaries and nice cars, and “perfect” lives, when it reality, it’s anything but.
LT, you should check out the site PostSecret; I think you might enjoy it. http://www.postsecret.com It shows you not everyone is as perfect and happy as we think. Plus some of it’s funny secrets too
13.
Ross | February 2, 2012 at 2:29 am
xoxo
14.
Cheryl | February 2, 2012 at 6:55 am
Please don’t give up, lt. I’m sorry you are struggling so much, and praying for you to find some peace and rest…Wish I could do more.
15.
mjae37 | February 2, 2012 at 7:13 am
LT — Its so not fair, not any of it. I wish I could just take away all the pain for you but I cannot. YOu already have taken some of the negative and turned into positive with educating foster parents with your blog.
I wonder if you could volunteer at a local animal shelter . You are great with your pets and I think you could spread the love to other animals. Maybe Dr. Val will have some ideas on what next steps you can take.
16.
Concerned FM | February 2, 2012 at 7:14 am
LT,
Would you accept a gift from a stranger? Have you ever been on a cruise? I find cruising a great way to get away from people and reality. When we’re cruising at sea during the night or on a day at sea, I love to stand at the front of the ship and feel the wind against my face. I feel free if only for a little while.
My husband and I find ways to help others. We are not rich, but we always seem to find ways to help others. We have donated a good used car to a soldier returning from Iraq. We sent phone cards to every sailor on a Navy Cruiser one year so they could call home at Christmas while they were off the coast of Somalia. We took a 59-year-old Domincan nun on safari in South Africa, the only place she’d ever been outside of her hometown because she grew up so poor. She’s “colored” so I don’t need to explain how difficult her childhoold was growing up in South Africa.
I have traveled on more than ten humanitarian trips, from Cuba to Bosnia-Herzegovina to India to Haiti to the Amazon to Ecuador to Vietnam to Uganda and Gulfport, Mississippi after Katrina to give the best thing I can offer: my hands and my heart to less-fortunate chldren mostly but even the elderly.
We want to offer you a gift of a cruise, especially if you’ve never been on one. Some day I hope we can share with you what we’re about to embark on … the fight of our lives. We are going up against a system that hurts children and adults, a system that we tried so hard to please but must not have known about all the secret rules. We are good foster parents who will fight to clear our names after we have been personally falsely attacked.
We miss and pray for the three beautiful foster children we lost exactly two months ago. If there are miracles, we will see them again some day. We know they love us and we love them with all of our hearts. Even though certain individuals took away our ability to foster for now, no matter what, we will find ways to help children. We would llike to help you.
Sincerely,
Concerned FM
17.
LaurKe | February 2, 2012 at 7:16 am
Many people struggle with finding purpose so you aren’t alone in that feeling, although your situation is much more extreme I find purpose in knowing that God created me to become his friend. When people messed up, the automatic friendship was severed so he sent Jesus to help make that connection again. By accepting Jesus’ gift of eternal life, you can find purpose in this life. All my love to you, LT!
18.
Becca | February 2, 2012 at 7:17 am
I’m sorry you are struggling so much right now with these thoughts and feelings. Your life does have purpose, and you do matter. Peace to you today.
19.
Love Many Trust Few | February 2, 2012 at 8:22 am
I think you are here to write. To write your story. No matter how crazy and messy and hurt you are feeling, your voice is powerful.
btw we are humans on the other end of these comments – you reach out, we hear you, even on the other side of the world.
20.
Foster Mom in Training | February 2, 2012 at 8:45 am
LT, You are alive because your work on this Earth isn’t done yet. You are here to educate the clueless, to advocate for innocent children, by sharing your story. The world needs to understand what can happen to children in foster care. Change must be made for the sake of the children. I’ve seen in your writings that deep inside of you, you seem to know that is part of your purpose. You’re saving children, LT, by educating the rest of us. You matter, LT. You’re important. We care. I care! Thank you for your willingness to share your story. I hope you won’t give up the fight. I hope you will continue to advocate for the children whose voices are never heard. You ARE their voice. You are the voice for change. You are an angel to kids in care, LT.
((Hugs))
21.
Mel | February 2, 2012 at 9:14 am
LT, remember you can only compare yourself to the things you see in other people. You don’t know what they’re afraid of people seeing, or what they hide.
Hang in there, you’re a survivor.
22.
Katie Rivers | February 2, 2012 at 9:17 am
You are still alive because God is NOT finished with you… he wants to restore you, show you your worth (don’t listen to the lies… you are so wonderful and worthy of life, love, joy), restore you from what was broken. I have not been through the hell like you have, but I had two years of my life where I was in an emotionally abusive, controlled relationship and at the end of it, I was so broken and miserable. I wanted to die. God brought me through it. He can work wonders and I know he is just longing for you to seek him. Test him in this… he will not let you down, he will astonish you in the way he can heal your heart and mind. I wish so badly to talk to you in person and welcome you into my family (my mom is famous for taking in people and mothering them… my husband is one of them, he grew up in an abusive household and had no relationship with his birthmom… my mom stepped in and reached out). Any way, please know there is someone praying for you in Georgia and thinking of you often… hoping you will reach out to Jesus who is reaching out to you.
23.
douglas wood | February 2, 2012 at 9:23 am
Why am i a live. Girl i was once right in your shoes trust me when i say that. Most of all my life i couldn’t sack all the beatings, all the foster homes. Never feeling loved. one day it just happen, i picked up a Bible and found God he loves me. God Bless you for sharing.
24.
eemt81 | February 2, 2012 at 9:32 am
Sweetie, you are alive for a reason. I know you don’t know what that is, and I don’t either. My thinking is that your story, as much as it sucks to have gone through, may help other children in the system.
25.
Angie B. | February 2, 2012 at 9:48 am
hey girl, One of the best things in the world is “chosen family” that is my friend Jeff’s saying. I have made a habit of “collecting” my very own family, it takes a while to get to know a lot of people and then pick the most beautiful souls….but they are out there. I’ve also made a habit of watching biological family relationships…and they are highly overrated. LOL!!! Friends make the best “family” I have a bio-brother and a foster brother, but my very favorite brothers were once just friends.
26.
MamaMama | February 2, 2012 at 9:52 am
I don’t know sweetheart. I am sorry your life is so difficult. I can’t imagine living your life. Please keep trucking. None of know our purpose in life but we all have one. I wish I could write something here that mattered.
27.
caroline | February 2, 2012 at 11:01 am
I am glad you are alive. I don’t know you but I read and I learn from you. This blog helps me recognize what is really important in life and not to take it for granted. Maybe that’s why you are alive.
28.
Rachael | February 2, 2012 at 11:09 am
I just became a foster parent for the first time three weeks ago. It’s possible that part of why you’re alive is so I can read all your incredible advice for foster parents, on how to do it better. I’m so sorry that I can’t undo the hurt that you’ve gone through, but I can do everything in my power to help foster kids feel loved, cared about, and safe. (The foster daughter I have now is a baby, but believe me, if I get to keep her long enough, she will know what it is to pick out her own comforter.) Thank you for blogging, because reading this reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing.
29.
KR | February 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm
In this particular area, I have hard evidence that what you feel isn’t unique to you. It’s not a reflection of who you are or are not as an individual. It’s typical of how young people feel when they’ve aged out. I spent a year and half of my life interviewing youth who aged out of foster care about what their life is like after they exit care. Every single one of them – every one – said that they feel like they don’t – fundamentally can’t – belong. Every single one said they feel like they will never have a normal life and never be truly normal – even though it’s all they want so desperately. They all fear dying young because they fear their lives are destined to be tragically cut short. Every single one said that they feel like an outsider looking in like foster care branded them with some scarlet letter. Every single one said that they feel rejected and alone – no close friends, no family, no caring adult in their lives – left to navigate this world without the connections that everyone else takes for granted. Every single one compared themselves to other “normal” peers and felt behind, damaged, less than. I’ve listened to literally hundreds of hours of their stories – everything that you fear, crave, and feel are themes that I’ve heard over and over again in their words. And you know why I sought them out? I was driven to know their stories because I needed to know that it wasn’t just me. Because, when you are alone with no one in your world that knows what you’re going through, it’s easy feel like the only common denominator in your experience is you. It’s not you, LT. I know it’s not just you because everything you fear, crave and feel, I’ve feared, craved, and felt too. So have thousands of other kids just like us. It’s symptomatic of your experience. Of our experience. Of the experience of being a kid who aged out of foster care. Our lives are on just on a different developmental timeline than everyone else’s. Since I moved around so much as a kid, I didn’t have those built in relationships. I didn’t get to go to proms, tryout for school plays or participate in any extracurricular activities. My life lacked school dances, girl scouts, team sports, and – most importantly – roots. I didn’t have my first real boyfriend until my 20′s. I didn’t make first real friend until I was 27 years old. I worked as a dishwasher until I was 26. My first non-hourly job was at 28. I didn’t get medical benefits until I was 29. I started college when everyone else my age was already married with a couple kids. I had my first car at 31. I took my first real vacation – in my entire life – at 35. It takes me longer and I achieve things later – but, eventually, I get there. You will too. You’re not behind. Given your past, you are completely and utterly normal. You’re right where you should be.
30.
bec | February 2, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Hugs, LT. You are a survivor, and that’s an understatement. you do have a purpose, and the evidence is in your past. all those things that you have gone through will not be wasted. you’ll be able to use those things to your benefit and the benefit of others. through your blog, you share what you learn, how you survived, what should be changed in the foster care system. you give voice to a lot of kids who don’t have a voice. and you can be whatever you want one day- a social worker, writer, foster care consultant, motivational speaker, etc. I think the last, and hardest hurdle to pass through is the way you feel about yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of self-hatred. I am in my late 20s and realized recently that I had a lot of self-hatred, too. I am in no way a psychologist, but one day I was watching nanny 911 with the Finck family on youtube, and I realized something. this family had 6 kids that were basically out of control, angry, whiny, violent. basically, these were angry and unstable kids. and the nanny was able to identify that the parents never properly communicated with their children and never taught the children how to properly communicate themselves. because the kids felt they weren’t being seen and heard, they had a lot of repressed anger. maybe when you were a kid, you might have felt no one saw or heard you. no one stepped in to stop those bad things from happening to you. you didn’t have anyone saying “I want to help you, please tell me why you are hurting.” so you had to keep in all that pain, and maybe that pain has become anger you feel toward yourself. that’s what happened in my own life, at least. I hope you recognize that you should have been heard when all those things were happening to you. you shouldn’t have gone through those things alone, and you shouldn’t have had to bottle it up inside of you for all these years. it was wrong that you didn’t have anyone to open up to. it’s not your fault. I hope you can start to heal and let go of that anger now. Your feelings were important, and they are still important. We see and hear you now, and you matter a lot.
31.
KP | February 2, 2012 at 2:50 pm
LT, I think you may be alive because your voice is so important – you are changing other people’s lives and you just might end up finding that it changes you, too. Specifically, I hope one day you find some peace with who you are and the horrible things that have been done to you. I know that will probably take a long time, but you are doing such good work with Dr. Val, and taking such good care of Moonlight, Shadow and Harbor. Hang in there. You are supposed to be here – just look at all the odds you’ve defied thus far.
32.
butterflysblog | February 2, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Sweet LT – I love you and am SOOOO glad you are alive. It seems that many of the people who are regular readers of your blog also love and care about you, and are extremely glad that you are alive. You feel alone but you have an entire online family of people who think the sun rises and sets on you, sweetie.
I think you are friggin awesome!!
-Butterfly
33.
Krista | February 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm
Dearest LT, no one is ever quite sure why he or she is alive. But I do know one thing: I am glad you are alive. You are such a good, wonderful, kind, special person who has a lot of wisdom and love to share.
I am glad you are alive.
Some music that might help:
http://youtu.be/RV-Z1YwaOiw
http://youtu.be/5f1D9kHogq0
http://youtu.be/Hyidx_U9k6E
34.
Kryss | February 2, 2012 at 6:44 pm
I come from a crazy place, that told me many many things… and I spent a lot of time wondering very similar thoughts.
And…no matter what I/They did, I somehow was still alive.
Now, I work with people from crazy places … and I am happy.
That space in between was.not.easy. I know you know that. I found for myself that most of the things I thought about myself were simply lies my abusers taught me. Even if I did do good (got a good grade in school, got a complement, got a job) it was just *luck* or somebody just didn’t know me *well enough* because I KNEW. Turns out I *didn’t* know. I was looking at myself through my abusers words and eyes, and not through the rest of the normal world’s eyes. My life didn’t make any sense…and I couldn’t imagine that I could do anything. Living to 18…wow that was a surprise. Getting to college? holy crap that shouldn’t have happened, some school just didn’t know me… graduating wtf? getting *another* degree…double wtf…my college *had* to have been a SHAM.
Now, I can see that my achievements and abilities were really ME and the bad stuff was THEM. It was really hard to separate out. Sometimes I still have days where I look around and cannot believe that my life is what it is.
It can and does change. I can see from your blog posts you are an insightful person, even without the education and without all the normal things that normal people get. You find inventive ways to deal and you have persistence. You definitely have the ability to learn, to get through school…you are employed! In the long run, those traits will serve you well and you can be productive, happy and free.
You can make your own path, and find peace, safety, and stability.
It really is possible.
35.
Another Voice | February 2, 2012 at 8:54 pm
wishing I had answers and help to send you. hope you can pull through the tough times and find a peaceful life, you certainly deserve it. I have always felt blessed for having the life and family I have and I wish I could give a fraction of it to you so that you could have it too. (((hugs)))
36.
Kay | February 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm
Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides, LT.
Maybe you don’t have a lot of friends in “real life,” but a lot of people care about you. You wouldn’t have so many commenting to encourage you if that weren’t the case. Hope you feel better soon.
37.
corporate | February 3, 2012 at 8:34 am
It’s 7:17am and I was laying in bed depressed. I came across your blog about 30 minutes ago and it has not depressed or made me feel better. However, I do feel a certain connection and compassion for you even if our circumstances are completely different. In fact I have brought all my problems upon myself (not all in fact i had a lot i didn’t cause but i’ve f’d up every good chance and privilege i’ve ever had).
I too feel extremely overwhelmed sometimes. I came across your blog because I got out of bed and searched friendship in yahoo (since I’m very alone inside and really have no one to seriously talk to) even though I do have a lot of friends. So here I am now and I found something far beyond what I was expecting; and much more meaningful than I could ever imagine.. Bare with me while I explain myself and get to my point I’ll try to make it short.
On the outside people know I’m not living to my potential or even up to 1% of it, but on the inside they have no idea how bad I feel. I wake up and I want to quit life. Sometimes the only comfort I get is when I sleep or the comfort I get from my pets (they’re the ones that love you no matter what) or from drinking myself into oblivion.
The only person I have in life is my mother and it is scary (especially since we don’t always get along and its also not easy to express myself to her and if she knew how I really feel inside it would scare the shit out of her). If something were to happen to her I don’t know what I would do (or do to myself…. I know our circumstances are different but emotions always hurt) I can only imagine how you feel sometimes. I also had a girlfriend who was abused by her uncle and I know how scarred she was inside. We helped each other through many difficult times (theres a lot i’m leaving out so i can get to my point).
What I want you to know is that everyone suffers inside.You should not feel rejected or beneath anyone. Just the fact that you have survived through it all and have the strength to speak out is enough that you should know you are better than most of the scumbags out there. The people you think are better off than you really aren’t trust me. You’ll see. I’m not too much older than you I turned 30 in November, but if i knew what i know now a few years ago I would have laughed at everyone. Especially some of the people who thought they were soooo great and in the end they crashed and burned.
People like you give others hope even if you think that most are turning the other cheek. Please don’t stop. I will be checking in on you from now on. So just know no matter how alone you think you are there are millions who are just as alone even if our situations are different. Just look around and you’ll find the friends and family you’ve been looking for sooner or later.
You just found one and if you ever need anything my email is also my Windows Messenger account and my pc is on 24/7. I fix computers and do webpages. So if you have any problems with either or just feel bored please feel free to contact me or add me, it would be a shame if such a special site did not exist.
38.
k rock | February 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm
I feel u, & i don’t know why. I have friends who have lived and i have friends who have died. I know when u are on the earth it’s hard to believe u will be missed or anyone even cares. But i would miss your input and your honesty. Keep on keeping on. someone told me somethings we get over and somethings we just get through (or something like that). you have gone through a lifetime of pain both physically and mentally. The fact that u r still here is a testament! You are your own miracle, take care.
39.
Linka | February 3, 2012 at 11:35 pm
Hello, LT! I read your post early this morning, and have been thinking about you, and your question all day. it is a deep question that people, most people, ask themselves, at one point in time or another, and maybe even many times, during their lifetimes. Each of us reaches a stage in our development when that question becomes the all important stimulus for us to take a good look at where we are in our life, what we want out of life, where we want to go, who we want to be, even how we want to be remembered when we pass on…your bitter experience of life has given you a perceptive on life that shuts out possibilities, potentials, wishes, desires and dreams….and it has tainted the questioning and answering that is part of the normal process of growth-emotional and spiritual.
Keep on with the questions LT. As you are asking them, I see you expressing and hopefully releasing, the many things that, as others have said in their comments, you have buried deep inside you throughout your lifetime. Dr. Val was so wise in suggesting this blog to you…as you ask your questions, and look for your answers, you are telling your story, putting a voice to all of those feelings you had to keep deep inside…as you are answering, you are also giving the world the opportunity to learn from you, and as well, as to teach you…if you don’t ask the questions…you won’ t find the answers…if you don’t ask the questions, no one can help you find the answers…
I wish you release, renewal, and re-birth. I wish you love, and peace and fulfillment of your wishes and desires. I wish you success. Blessings, LT.
40.
Linka | February 3, 2012 at 11:37 pm
Oh, I meant “perspective” not perceptive. It is late, lol!
41.
Cesarea | February 4, 2012 at 12:01 am
Hoping you’re okay…
42.
Jules | February 4, 2012 at 8:55 am
not in a great place myself Lt so haven’t been commenting much. but all I can say is I’m glad you are alive, people like you make this world a better place..
43.
Krista | February 4, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Don’t ever give up, LT.
Thinkng of you.
44.
Dinah | February 4, 2012 at 11:30 pm
You have so many smart, well spoken people commenting on here that I know I am adding nothing new. I think about you often and wish you comfort and happiness.
45.
aisya | February 5, 2012 at 10:29 am
In my religion, we are not allowed to wish for death because it shows that we do not believe in God and His plans. God will not give you a challenge that you cannot handle. But if you must feel that death is better for you, you may pray to Him ‘ If this life is no longer good for me, please take me back to You’
I dont want to encourage you to consider death. But I do agree that you are not living a good life. We readers can have millions opinions on what you’ve written, but in the end, you are the one who has to bear the reality of the life you are writing of.
What I encourage is for you to seek and read about great people who have walked this earth and read their own personal journey and hardships and how they’ve came out of it. It can be Prophet Muhammad SAW (he is my personal hero), Gandhi or even the brazil writer Paulo Coelho (he’s still alive)
Be kind, and live well.
With love
46.
talie1 | February 6, 2012 at 1:38 am
It is a terrible feeling to feel like you don’t want to go on and that your time is running out. I was in that situation once, I got better through counseling but I still struggle a lot with loneliness and feeling like an outsider. Are you talking to someone in real life about this? I hope so. That may help you a lot.
I was in orphanages and foster care the first 4 years of my life and then I was adopted but my adopted family was very dysfunctional. Today I am 58, turning 59 on 2-24. I am old enough to be your mother. If I was your mother I would hug you and let you know you are cared about. Then I would ask you if you wanted to try counseling. I would offer help finding a counsellor. I would help you find a good person to talk to and of course I would be there for you too.
I am not your mother, but I am your friend from the internet. Please contact me if you need someone to talk to.
PS: If I understood you correctly you are keeping your job so you can pay the rent. That’s smart. Ensuring you have a place to live is important.
47.
talie1 | February 6, 2012 at 1:47 am
Dear LT – I just read some more of your blog and see that there’s a Dr. Val in your life. Is that your counselor? If you already have that set up, that’s great. Getting better and feeling more positive and comfortable with living takes time. But, as I mentioned above, by talking about things it is truly possible to more on from wanting to die. I wish you courage as you move ahead.
48.
Crumble | February 6, 2012 at 2:25 am
LT, I am just checking in. I hope you are okay. I am thinking of you.
49.
KP | February 6, 2012 at 11:09 am
LT, I hope today is treating you well.
50.
pajanguin | February 6, 2012 at 11:32 am
Heya, LT–
You know, I bet when people look at you, what they see is “strong” and “highly capable.” Just sayin’.
51.
Krista | February 6, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Hey LT, I’m thinking about you. I hope you’re doing okay. Keep tight hold of Moonlight and Shadow and Harbor, call KC or Jessie, or get in touch with Dr. Val if you’re not doing well, okay? I really, really hope things are starting to turn around for you, dearest LT.
52.
Melissa | February 6, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Hope you’re doing ok, LT. Praying for you! (((LT)))
53.
Splintered | February 7, 2012 at 9:11 am
Checked in to see if anything new was posted. Hope you are doing ok. Remember LT, many times what we see negatively about ourselves, others do not. ((LT))
54.
Pat | February 7, 2012 at 9:18 am
LT – thinking about you and praying that you are okay.
55.
Jodi | February 7, 2012 at 9:30 am
Hi LT, was thinking of you today. I hope good things are happening for you and that’s why you haven’t posted in a few days. XO.
56.
Bonnie | February 7, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Just checking up on you; I get worried when you don’t post for a while.
It’s because I give damn about you. Please, please be ok.
57.
Nina | February 7, 2012 at 8:29 pm
LT, checking in. Please be okay.
58.
Rebecca | February 8, 2012 at 3:51 am
Hi LT,
I have just happened upon your blog and ended up staying up half the night reading it two nights in a row now. I have been thinking of fostering over the last year or so, and recently the topic of foster care keeps popping up, like, maybe I’m supposed to do something more than think about it. Coincidently, my church has a group of moms that get together monthly and we are having a speaker come to talk about fostering and adopting and so I was wondering if I could put an article of yours in our flyers we hand out along with your blog address. I think it will be most eye-opening and informative for everyone. It has been for me. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us and please know that you are making a difference in your readers lives and in the future childrens lives that we will be taking care of because of being spurred to action from your words.
59.
Cookie | February 8, 2012 at 3:55 am
LT, I don’t know why you are alive. But…I’m really glad that you are. You have so much good information to HELP foster kids and foster parents. You will never know how many lives you’ve helped. So I don’t know WHY you’re alive, but I know that you are, and that you are making an amazing and positive impact in this world. Thank you for being you, LT. You’re pretty awesome.
60.
Krista | February 8, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Just checking in, LT. Is everything all right?
61.
Jodi | February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Worried about you, doll. Hope everything is ok.
62.
Amanda | February 8, 2012 at 5:42 pm
Your readers love you and care. You’re in my heart, and you are making a difference in this world.
63.
ella | February 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm
Lt….are u ok?
64.
becky | February 8, 2012 at 6:59 pm
hope you’re doing good LT…..haven’t commented before, but i’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now. You sound like a very intelligent, awesome, courageous, BEAUTIFUL girl. Wish I could get to know you in real life. Hope you’re alright since you havent updated in a bit.
65.
K | February 8, 2012 at 8:22 pm
LT, I am so glad you are alive. You continue to inspire and amaze me all the time with your insight and strength. You’ve survived unthinkable horrors, yet somehow, you continue to fight. I hope one day, all this hard work will pay off and give you the life you deserve.
~Rage
66.
Deb | February 8, 2012 at 9:04 pm
LT- I am worrying about you- no posts in 6 days. Are you sick? Sending you lots of postive prayers and thoughts.
Deb- who lurks
67.
Charissa | February 8, 2012 at 10:05 pm
LT – So…I pretty much never comment. Because I usually have no idea how to contribute anything insightful to this amazing blog. But I really miss hearing from you. Are you ok?
-Char-
68.
Cesarea | February 9, 2012 at 1:35 am
I hope you’re feeling better, LT.
69.
Amanda | February 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm
I swear I’ve checked back here 5 times a day since you’re last post to see if you’ve updated so I know you’re okay. I know I’m not the only one. Sending you love and good vibes, today and always.
70.
Eilan~Briga | February 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm
Hey LT,
Been checking your blog for a while… and still no new posts… hope everything is ok with u!!
Peace~
Eilan
71.
Another Voice | February 9, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Hope to hear from you soon……….(hugs)
72.
Christina | February 9, 2012 at 11:16 pm
Dear LT,
Missing you.
Sincerely,
Christina
73.
Christy | February 9, 2012 at 11:27 pm
Please let us know that you’re okay! We care and are worried!
74.
Sandrine | February 11, 2012 at 1:36 am
Me, too, LT.
But I don’t think it’s something about us that made people reject us. I think it was bad luck. We were born to bad people.
Lots of cruel people become foster parents, that’s why those freaks hurt you.
I was rejected at birth by my bio-parents, but they kept me so that they could use and abuse me until I was old enough to leave.
Now I’m like you. I don’t have friends (well, you have one-that’s nice) or family.
I’m disconnected. I don’t feel lovable or want-able.
I’m sure I would if I had been humanely treated at birth.
I don’t think there was anything originally wrong with me.
Now there is, though!
I feel separate.
I have a therapist, but he doesn’t love-me-want-me-need-me.
He has people in his personal life he loves and needs.
How beautiful that must feel. How lucky they are.
Yeah, it sucks, LT. It definitely sucks.