so many moms, but i still wish i was aborted
February 10, 2012 at 12:06 am 40 comments
yesterday i sat on the same bridge i tried to jump off of a couple years ago. i wasnt drunk this time, i was just sad. i like this bridge because it spans across the major river in my city and it looks out on the city’s downtown. i was cold, but i didnt care. i watched the water flow by as i spaced out to dreams that will never come true. i felt the cold breeze blow my messy hair as i silently wished that the breeze would blow me away.
and then i cried. not for a minute. not for two. for what seemed like hours.
i just need a mom.
i wasnt given one by nature …
or by the years growing up in foster care.
not one ever wanted me…
i was much easier to get rid of.
.
i wish i had been aborted
because i wouldnt spend my life dying for someone
… that never really wanted me to begin with.
.
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: abortion, adoption, aged-out foster kids, death, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, mom.
1.
sweetdisarray | February 10, 2012 at 12:13 am
Oh LT. I know I can’t say anything to make it all hurt less, but I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you, wishing you well. You deserve so very many good things and so much love and it’s totally fucked up that you didn’t get those as a child, but I do hope that some of them come to you as an adult. I’m glad that you have KC and Jessie, but I know it doesn’t fill the hole the way you long for. Anyway, it seems like the settlement has thrown you for a loop, but I do hope you can use Dr. Val and Jessie and KC as resources as you try to sort out how this will impact your life. And I really do believe that you deserve very good thing coming to you.
I’m so glad you’re okay. I was worried about you.
2.
CASA | February 10, 2012 at 12:21 am
I was worried about you too. Hang in there.
3.
KimB | February 10, 2012 at 12:29 am
You deserved a mom. I am sorry that you did not get one. I think that this will be one of the hardest issues for you to work through, given your age and needs. But keep hanging on and writing. ((LT))
4.
Foster Mom in Training | February 10, 2012 at 12:33 am
I was worried about you, too, LT. I’m so sorry that you are hurting. I wish I could offer more than virtual hugs, LT. Please know that I am thinking of you. ((Hugs)) to you, kiddo.
5.
lifemultiplied | February 10, 2012 at 12:33 am
Sending love and peace.
6.
Splintered | February 10, 2012 at 12:37 am
I am glad u were not aborted, because u have so much to offer. More than u realize right now. <3
7.
ella | February 10, 2012 at 12:45 am
Lt, I know it hurts so bad. It is sad that the nurturing creatures” mothers” can be very evil to their offsprings. Animals do love theirs,but human hearts are dark. I hope you know that it is not your fault if your mom chose to do that to you. I still don’t know why God permits you through this, but I am trying to trust His heart. No one is special in God’s eye, everyone are the same. Everyone is unique, but none is the special kid. Don’t think that because you are now troubled means God doesn’t love you. And don’t think that if someone has everything means God oves the person more. I know it is hard, be patient. One day, we’ll find a way. I don’t want you to be aborted, every lives deserve to live. If you were aborted, don’t you think you will still ask the same question why? Why my mom kill me? I believe God has a plan for you, that’s why He wants you to live. If all of us here for you, isn’t it one of God’s way to reach you? To cheer you? To ask you to be patient? If God could use donkey (in Bileam story), He can use these handsome and pretty blogcrews of yours as well. Anyway, living in a world is full of turbulation, He never promised us that we have green green grass, but He promises He never forsake us. For you, being adopted is the only answer of your prayer. But, endurance through all is a miracle and an answer, too.
8.
Crumble | February 10, 2012 at 12:48 am
Sorry, LT.
9.
Pat | February 10, 2012 at 12:57 am
Aw, sweet LT, I am sorry you are hurting so much. I hope you are still seeing Dr. Val and that she understands how sad you are. Thanks for not jumping off that bridge. Because of the power of your words, and the personality that comes through them, you have many readers who care – and I’m one of them! Sending you prayers and virtual hugs. Please be kind to yourself.
10.
Linka | February 10, 2012 at 1:17 am
Thanks for posting, LT. I have been concerned, too. (((Hugs))) and bunches of prayers. Blessings…
11.
abbys momma | February 10, 2012 at 1:27 am
been thinking of you lots lately
12.
MamatoMany | February 10, 2012 at 1:32 am
Thinking of you, always.
13.
Ross | February 10, 2012 at 4:50 am
xoxo
14.
Fiona | February 10, 2012 at 5:57 am
I’m so sad. I can relate. My mum never loved me, abused me horribly. And yet I still want a mum, because she never was a real mum. In my heart I crave a ‘mummy’ who does not exist. So I know. I’m glad you were not aborted. You are here for a reason. I wish you could love yourself, accept yourself, CARE for yourself, so that you wouldn’t feel so empty not having someone else to do it. <3
15.
lee1978Lee | February 10, 2012 at 6:24 am
I’m so sorry you are hurting and so glad you posted. I kept cking my blog list to see if you had posted anything. None of us know why we are here and most times we don’t realize what good we are doing while we are here. You are d oing great good LT, loving your fur babies who would not have had a home without you–shedding light on the dark areas of foster care with your writings. And you are an artist as well. Those are huge and wonderful gifts. Hoping each day feels a little better. Hugs.
16.
YW | February 10, 2012 at 6:54 am
I’m sad too. I keep wishing there was something we can do, but I think only you are the answer, only you can love yourself and leave the past behind you which I know is not easy. Thank you for writing and being so open about it I do hope with your blog and so many others about how foster care needs changing there really are changes coming. I am hoping judges who make decisions on placements read your blog and start to understand that the focus should be on the child/children and what is in their best interest….
hugs hugs hugs
YW
17.
Christina | February 10, 2012 at 7:00 am
Dear LT,
You’re life is precious. YOU are precious. Your little self was precious, a treasure. I am so, so sorry that you were not treated like the gift that you were, and still are. I know things are difficult for you and I’m proud of your courage to try and make a better, happier, and fulfilling life for yourself. You deserve it.
Sincerely,
Christina
18.
Jeanne | February 10, 2012 at 8:58 am
Kiddo, you are very much wanted by all of us on your blog crew. In a real sense, your life is just beginning. I know you don’t see it yet, but you have some amazing qualities. Give yourself time.
Do you have access to the emails that we give when we log in to comment? I’m not sure how it would work, but I would be honored to be a motherly friend by phone or email. (I have kids your age.) I’m pretty sure I live in a different part of the country than you. It would be emotionally risky and probably tricky, so I won’t feel bad at all if you feel it’s too risky.
Hang on LT, you are absolutely worth it!
19.
Amanda | February 10, 2012 at 9:27 am
What strikes me about you is that you have been through so much, and have every reason to be angry and bitter and…mean. And yet you are kind and good and sweet – to everyone but yourself. I wish we could go get a bag of cheetos and watch cartoons together. Believe me when I say there are people who love you, and even more who want to love you, and will love you if you can let them in. Which I know isn’t easy. You’re amazing.
20.
Amanda | February 10, 2012 at 9:28 am
PS – seeing you back here made my Friday. Thank you.
21.
caroline | February 10, 2012 at 9:43 am
I am sorry so many people failed to mother you. The pain will never completely go away, but it will subside as you heal and grow. Keep hanging on LT. Your words help so many people understand the importance of finding forever families for children in foster care. Through your pain and life, we are learning. I wish you had a mother. {{hugs}}
22.
mv_49496@hotmail.com | February 10, 2012 at 9:52 am
your dreams will come true. give yourself time. you are still young and have healing to do, but it will happen and you will find your forever mom too. maybe ask dr val for a mentoring organization — or a local church (ask jesse) might be able to hook u up with someone who is able to love on you in that role. some of my older women friends are more mommish to me than my own mom sometimes.hang in there. things will get better. i am glad you were not aborted. your life means a lot to more people than you realize.
♥ michelle
23.
JenCas | February 10, 2012 at 10:12 am
Oh LT I have been praying for you. You are often in my thoughts and I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know it sounds crazy because we are faceless strangers but there are many people here who truly care about you. You need to re read some of your posts and try to see what we see. The strong caring thoughtful brave girl who has been through so much and shares it with the world to help those in the foster care system. I pray you find peace and happiness because if there was ever someone who deserved it, it is you.
24.
we'veadoptedsix | February 11, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Thoughtful and brave are very good words to describe our friend LT. I hope she has a better day today.
25.
Steph | February 10, 2012 at 10:14 am
I wish I could adopt you. But honestly, I don’t know if that is the answer to your pain. You are making progress. Even if you can not see it or feel it, we (your readers) can. You are very young and have lots of life left, don’t give up yet. So many people failed you, don’t fail yourself. *hugs*
26.
rachel m | February 10, 2012 at 11:21 am
27.
Another Time | February 10, 2012 at 1:02 pm
I finally figured out what I want to say, with the inspiration of a song. Have you ever heard Katy Perry’s song Firework LT? I just heard it for the first time and it made me think of you. Check out the lyrics. Lots of good words in them. Here they are at my favorite lyric site (no junk on the page or popups)
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/katyperry/firework.html
28.
Mary | February 10, 2012 at 1:58 pm
: (
xo
29.
LC | February 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm
I wish I had the words to take away your pain, but I don’t. Your words are so very powerful and touch me so deeply. I am an adoption social worker and a trauma therapist. Your blog helps me more than all the training I’ve ever been to combined. While I’m sorry you’ve endured so much, I’m glad you weren’t aborted. You are a very valuable person with much to teach us.
30.
SusanEAC | February 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Why are you agreeing so much with those who have caused you so much pain? I’ve only found your blog a few weeks ago. It’s easy to see that you were treated very badly by people who should have known better. That sucks. But why are you letting them still do this?
You write that you are worthless. Apparently, those “parents” you had thought the same. I don’t. I don’t think that ANYONE deserves to be aborted. Certainly not you. But there is nothing that I, an unknown entity on the internet can say to change your mind.
You are a good writer. I wish that I could capture emotion and express it as well as you do with your words. You have many talents. But you seem to be only interested in continuing to hurt yourself like those who’ve hurt you before.
You deserve better. Certainly better than being aborted. Certainly better than being treated so badly while growing up.
But now you are in charge of where you go from here. It’s scary, yes. I”m probably twice your age and still find it scary. But there are good things out there. And they are worth living for. Worth fighting for.
And there is a lot of good in YOU. YOU are worth fighting for! I can see it from the way you write about your pets. You are capable of love. Despite all that’s happened to you. And that’s a very wonderful thing. It’s worth living for!
How about putting in some time with your local SPCA? Is there a pet therapy around that could use some help? Animals are SO healing. My passion is horses and I’ve seen and experienced myself how working with them brings healing. Kids who are in constant pain whose faces light up with the biggest smile when they get on a horse. Or are snuggling a rabbit. Or a dog. Maybe you can too?
Feel free to email me if you’d like more info on animal therapy and how you can get involved. Or just to vent. But don’t give up on yourself! You are worth fighting for!
31.
butterflysblog | February 10, 2012 at 3:24 pm
Susan – I am sure you don’t mean to sound this way, but your comment sounds an awful lot like blaming the victim. I am worried that if I am getting that impression, so is LT.
32.
SusanEAC | February 10, 2012 at 4:42 pm
L.T., I don’t blame you for any of the bad things that have happened in your life. I want to make that very clear. And I did not hint at such a thing in what I wrote. I wrote to empower you L.T.
You had absolutely nothing to do with the way you were treated in the past. You have everything to do with taking control of your future. Do not let what happened in your past defeat you!
You CAN get through this! You CAN feel better! YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT! I don’t know what it’s like to go through what you have but i do know it’s like to be depressed, to fantasize about not living anymore. To wish I was aborted. I found a way out of that dark cloud and so can you. But I had to decide to fight. You are fighting for your life L.T. Don’t give up, you ARE worth it! There are better timess ahead, but only if tou keep fighting to find them!
YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. YOU ARE WORTH LOVING!
33.
butterflysblog | February 10, 2012 at 3:29 pm
Sweet LT – i am so glad you posted. Like so many others on here, I was worried about you. It is the most basic natural thing to want a mom, and it is a good sign that you do want one. It means that in spite of everything, you still have beautiful human needs and wants. Your whole blog crew was worried about you, sweetie. Please remember, it may be raining today, but tomorrow the sun’s gonna shine!
34.
Jodi | February 10, 2012 at 4:21 pm
Sorry for the pain you have LT. {hugs} I think everyone else here said it all…you are a precious soul worth more than you realize.
35.
Another Voice | February 10, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Glad to see that you are still alive. Wish you were doing better though.
36.
Cesarea | February 10, 2012 at 11:26 pm
I am very glad that you are strong enough to be alive.
37.
Whizpuff | February 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Well said Cesarea! So am I LT.
38.
we'veadoptedsix | February 11, 2012 at 12:29 pm
I think of you often and check in on your blog, even though I don’t always post a reply. I hope that today is a better day for you, and that you can feel the warmth from my heart reaching to you across the miles.
Give the furballs a kiss from me.
39.
Krista | February 11, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Dearest LT, I don’t have a good explanation for why your biological mother was not a mother to you, or why you weren’t adopted, but I am glad that you are alive. You are such a beautiful, special, gentle person, I know that you will eventually have a family and a mom to call your own. I think of you all the time, dearest.
40.
JJ | February 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm
LT, I’m sorry to hear that you are having an especially tough time right now. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well and sending love your way. I hope as the seasons start to change you have more light in your life, just as we have more sunlight every day!