strike 1… strike 2 … ….. strike 8 bizillion
February 13, 2012 at 10:42 pm 27 comments
.
Today i had therapy…
.
DR. VAL: “LT, you don’t look so good. What’s going on inside you?”
ME: nuthin’
DR. VAL: “Hm. Nothing is going on…really? So you are doing great then? “
ME: …<silence>
DR. VAL: “Things are going great. That’s just wonderful. I am not sure we have had a session where everything is going great. So what is so great in your life now?”
ME: …<silence>
DR. VAL: …<silence>
.
<i can feel her staring at my messy hair, as i stared at the floor>
ME: i think you should adopt me
DR. VAL: “LT —”
ME: like tomorrow
DR. VAL: “LT —”
ME: ok, next week, then?
I looked up and Dr. Val was staring at me. I rarely look her in the eyes, unless forced to with her stupid eye contact exercise, but I did… Time stopped. There was complete silence. And I swear I saw saddness in her eyes. Or maybe it was the reflection from my eyes…
.
… because I knew her answer.
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: adoption, aged-out foster kids, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, mom, therapist, therapy.
1.
Linka | February 13, 2012 at 10:48 pm
((Hugs))LT…thinking of you and sending prayers for your dreams to happen…which they will, when the time is right. Hang in there! Blessings!
2.
Foster Mom in Training | February 13, 2012 at 11:03 pm
LT,
I’m sending ((hugs)) and positive thoughts your way.
3.
MamatoMany | February 13, 2012 at 11:05 pm
Thinking of you. Always.
4.
Ross | February 13, 2012 at 11:07 pm
You probably saw sadness because she will love to adopt you but she cant. She has a code of ethics she needs to follow, and that code of ethics prevents her from doing many things with her clients.
She loves you and cares for you
xoxo
5.
Melissa | February 15, 2012 at 9:49 am
I agree with this, LT. Also, I think it’s great that you made eye contact with her like that. Praying for you. (((LT)))
6.
Splintered | February 13, 2012 at 11:11 pm
Keep working through it, no matter how many times it takes. I wish you had the mother that you very much deserved. ((LT))
7.
Jess | February 13, 2012 at 11:56 pm
I think of you all the time when raising my foster child and my bio kid. I hear your words in my head before I even have a chance to get angry when they act up. I find myself using comedy where I would have yelled and giving hugs where I would have given time out. I pray your story has a happy ending someday. You can start by making the effort to love and value yourself. You’ve got a hell of a lot to offer.
8.
butterflysblog | February 14, 2012 at 12:01 am
Sweet LT – I’m sure you read her eyes right. I would bet 8 bizillion dollars that she wants to adopt you with very fiber of her being. I’d bet double that that she loves you. She probably can’t adopt you though because she’d lose her job, and her license. My heart breaks every time you ask her, and I’m sure hers does too, right along with yours, sweet LT.
You are worthy and beautiful and kind and important. She understands that and so do we.
-Butterfly
9.
abbys momma | February 14, 2012 at 12:20 am
listening
10.
michelle v | February 14, 2012 at 12:23 am
sending you virtual hugs. agree with the other blog readers. dr val does love you. your time will come for a family, LT. count the ones you have that love you in your life already — be encouraged — this is just the beginning.
♥ michelle
11.
Cesarea | February 14, 2012 at 12:56 am
LT, I’m sorry. I’m sure she was sad bc she can’t. She’d have to stop treating you, anyway, and for her to do what’s best for you, she has to do the job of the best moms: help you get be okay in the world on your own.
12.
Jodi | February 14, 2012 at 1:38 am
Sending a hug your way and wantiing you to know that there are a lot of us who would love to swoop you up and love you dearly and maternally. Dr. Val undoubtedly was sad and wishes she could help fill that need. Give your fuzzy children big hugs tonight, you are the center of their world. XO.
13.
YW | February 14, 2012 at 4:39 am
Sorry LT, hugs for you and for Dr.Val, keep telling her (and us) your thoughts and needs, hoping that will help you. How often do you see dr Val? is it every week? How is KC doing how are your furry friends? Give them hugs and be the mother that they need. Thanks for writing I look for your readings every day, thinking of you and hope you ok.. wish I could send you some Valentine choclate!
x0x0 YW
14.
YW | February 14, 2012 at 4:43 am
hi would also love to see some of your answers on the questions on your blog? have you checked those? Thanks LT! & sweet dreams.
15.
Becca | February 14, 2012 at 7:31 am
((hugs))
16.
Jeanne | February 14, 2012 at 8:05 am
Makes me wish I could scoop you up and rock you in a rocking chair. Sorry it hurts so bad right now LT.
17.
doesmybumlookbiginthis | February 14, 2012 at 8:55 am
Aww, this is so sad and beautifully expressed. I totally want to give you a hug xx
18.
i was a foster parent | February 14, 2012 at 9:10 am
Sorry LT. It is, as you say, F***-Up. Yes, you need a parent. You really really really do.
I am sorry Dr. Val can’t or won’t adopt you — whichever it is, it still hurts.
That is so hard and sad and full of pain.
You were brave to ask.
I don’t agree with the folks who say you may one day get a parent when “the time is right”. That would that the time hasn’t been right for you to have a parent, and of course, the time has been right for a very very long time.
Since you were born.
19.
Shae | February 14, 2012 at 10:30 am
Thinking of you today.
20.
takingnycbystorm | February 14, 2012 at 11:20 am
Hugs.
21.
Krista | February 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Oh LT. I wish there was a way that Dr. Val could adopt you, but sweetheart, like Butterfly said, she would lose her license and her job. It’s hard for you, I know, to hear this…but I think the guilt would eat you alive if Dr. Val did quit her job and stop helping people. So you can see, the whole situation is painful — it’s painful to hear “no”, and I’m pretty sure it would be painful in the long run for you if she said “yes.”
Be gentle with yourself, okay, dearest?
22.
kathy | February 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm
OMG I can not believe i stumbled on your blog! You are me, I am you! Grew up exactly the same way and felt that extreme horrid emptiness my whole life until a few years ago! I am 40! I remember asking and hoping people would adopt me. I remember wishing I could feel love, I wanted to be loved. I used to say, ” Being alone and unloved is my legacy”.
I would love to talk to you more, email me! I will be here with you! I promise. I know 100% how you feel a lot of the time and I will be understanding and there for you.
23.
hazy55 | February 14, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I am thinking of you LT. As you write I feel your pain. Such a gift. Take care of you today.
24.
mvkath | February 14, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Happy Valentines Day LT and all the LT lovers who read your blog! You give us a lift with every post! There are at least 40 people who read your blog and respond regularly. I’m guessing that there are a lot more who read but don’t post.
Most of us are trained to be foster parents – which is how we found you and most of us would welcome more of a relationship/friendship with you.
I’m guessing (again) that most of us foster to help and love kids who were robbed of this really important part of life. . .and not because of the big paycheck!
I think most of us are women, north of the 25-year-old mark. I am 53 with two grown (both adopted) kids. At the moment, I don’t have any fosters….or as I call them: “special friends.” I do have a great dane, a setter/retriever, an old cat and a new rescue kitten.
Why don’t you start by reaching out to a few people whose responses you find interesting. You can control the entire relationship. You are screaming out for a mentor or mother who can help you become a woman who can get out there and make a great life for yourself. I think you have just what you are looking for literally at your fingertips. It takes just a little trust and a tiny bit of confidence to make the first contact – but you’ve climbed much bigger hills.
I’m sure none of us are perfect…but I think most would welcome the chance to make a difference in your life. I don’t know if you can see our email addresses or not, but I will make the leap and tell you that I live off the coast of Massachusetts and you can reach me here: mvkath@aol.com. I would welcome a friendship with you….and I’d love to help you with some of those “mom” things that you missed out on.
Take care and have a few cheetos for me! Only the puffy ones though… I hope you will reach out and find a mom-type or maybe several!
Kathy
25.
LooneyTunes | February 15, 2012 at 12:45 am
hi kathy.
thanks for your comment. i am assuming that you are a fairly new reader to my blog, so welcome. i appreciate your offer, but i have actually had alot of problems with email and thus am very careful who i email… in fact i email very few people and those few, i observed for awhile on my blog.
many of the problems i experienced are because i was very naive and believed people, who were deceitful or had ulterior motives. some simple examples are:
(a) people who claimed to be foster kids and were not. one fake foster kid actually hacked another reader’s computer and stole her credit card information and made purchases. after months of emailing with someone i thought understood me, it turned out the person was a fake and a criminal.
(b) other people who claimed to be in foster care and never were. they disappeared or exagerated their stories when i asked about stuff that every foster kid would know. or they were maybe foster kids who were borderline personality disordered not in treatment and would go from being very friendly to attacking me (splitting). one even emailed me a “gift” after i have been VERY clear that i dont accept things. then attacked me when i did not want it (splitting again).
(c) an older woman who said she would adopt me. then she turned on me. she has issues, but i believed her because i wanted a mom so bad. in the meantime, i got very hurt.
the list goes on.
i would prefer not to spend my therapy time talking about and dealing with issues from the internet. like (c) above.
the other problem is that i cant read very good. i can write and type what comes out of my head, but when i try and go back to read it, it is like i never wrote it. a blank page almost… that takes me a long time to read.
so if i email, it takes along time for me to make sure i know/read what i wrote and i feel pressured to respond when it takes me awhile.
so while i am very thankful and grateful for my readers and the comments, i am very careful about email.
i have enough problems in my life and dont need more in the internet world.
i can read body language amazingly… but i cant see people through the computer… so i cant tell about their motives or honesty.
i hope you understand. just because you are “older” doesnt mean you are safe to me. (c) above was in her 50s.
peace.
26.
kathy | February 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I never thought of that! Unfortunately there are a lot of ppl who claim to be who they are not. I completely understand. So many things you experience are so familiar. One that struck me a lot was wanting to be adopted as an adult. I remember going into an adoption agency at 24 and setting up a meeting. I asked if there is any families that ever “adopt” older people, just to belong.
She said no, but when you shared that, that surprised me.
I know some ppl can say a lot of hurtful, untrue things. I am sorry.
Growing up in the system is something most people can never imagine or understand, it is not anything one can ever describe completely.
I will continue to follow and be supportive to you on your blog. You have my blog, it shares a lot of me now.
Stay beautiful!
27.
mamamama | February 14, 2012 at 5:20 pm
She was very sad, I am sure. I am sorry that you are having a hard time LT. I hope you feel better.