i spent money and i feel like shit
February 24, 2012 at 12:19 am 29 comments
Today I was laying around, feeling sorry for my sorry-self, nursing stitches and a hangover from yesterday’s self-damage festival involving me as the main event with beer and blades as the acts. I was going to return Dr. Val’s call, but I decided that it was not worth playing phone tag… I see her Friday. When I was at the clinic getting stitches, Nurse J asked me if I ever tried using a marker to draw on me instead of actually cutting. I told her no. I know that Dr. Val does not believe in “substiting one thing for another” because in her therapist world, it does not get to the “heart of the problem.” In fact, her belief is that “symptoms” subside when healing occurs… or something like that.
I asked Nurse J if it was a problem that I came there. The reality is that I have taken care of myself for a freaking long time…I can disappear. The reason I get stitches is when I wind up with gaping cuts where fat cells are bubbling up. That is grounds for infection…. been there, done that, REALLY sick. I have no control over the cutting, when it happens I am not even thinking about it, mostly zoned out. Or it happens when I am dissociated and then I have no clue. Whatever…
So I spent most of this morning sitting around thinking about life. I had two bad cuts in my stomach that were stitched and I hate that feeling when I move, so I just laid around.
KC came over after she finished her morning class to bother me…
KC: “Lets go buy a chair… the sales are great because it was president’s day.”
ME: what? which president’s day is it? like a birthday for them? when?
KC: “All presidents. It was celebrated on Monday. Let’s go get one….a recliner and we can put it in front of the bay windows.”
ME: why? … i got a futon.
KC: “…because so other people have something to sit on. … and that futon is beat-to-shit”
ME: oh. you can sit on the futon if you want. just move the dogs. i dont care if i sit on the floor….
.
KC: “LT, I am totally NOT moving Moonlight. You need something nice to sit on. This futon is…. well…. in bad shape. Look at it… it’s broken on that end.. probably going to snap some time…. Let’s go look … and then we can get some _____ pizza.”
.
i bought this chair
it is sage
i feel like shit. i never spent that much money at once. $199 is the price of that chair, on-sale. it reclines in 3 positions. what do i need that for? shit.
KC said i should buy one that cost more money so it lasts. i was freaking out at that price…
i cant believe how crappy i feel about buying something….im thinking of canceling the order before it is delivered.
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, cutting, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, foster parents, friend, money, self-harm, shopping.
1.
MamatoMany | February 24, 2012 at 12:24 am
I am so glad that you went to the clinic. I am glad you took the scary step to buy yourself a chair. I hope it becomes a place of rest for you, and stops causing bad feelings about buying it.
Thinking of you.
2.
Sunday | February 24, 2012 at 12:26 am
You deserve nice things, even if nobody else ever got them for you. It is ok to get something nice for you.
3.
aLonelyRunner | February 24, 2012 at 12:36 am
I think substituting means avoidance. Doing something so you don’t have to do another thing. That would be like “I am afraid to go to the doctor so I will take a ton of aspirin to feel better” – avoiding the doctor or substituting aspirin for the care you really need. You will never get over a fear of the doctor until you find that the doctor is safe. The aspirin is your attempt to control the fear. Avoidance is not a good thing.
The cutting itself is substituting one pain for the other. It is a release of anxiety and pain, you are focused on another pain so the mental pain is relieved temporarily. if you could focus on drawing the cut, you would feel relief. I would think that is not substituting, that is a healthy replacement and is a step to not hurting yourself.
I don’t know if you have any art skills. I have none.
I am sure that as long as you don’t hurt yourself you are working to long term pain relief.
Do you want the chair? I get anxiety when I buy expensive things but sometimes you have to pay to get things that are nice. I almost had a panic attack when I bought my TV.
I am good at telling others what to do but I am not so good at doing things myself so I hope you feel better no matter what you do.
4.
Jodi | February 24, 2012 at 12:41 am
XO LT. You deserve nice things.
5.
Jen | February 24, 2012 at 12:47 am
Does it make it easier to wrap your head around if you think about it partly as buying something for friends who might come over?
A chair is a useful practical basic thing, not an extravagance.
6.
Cesarea | February 24, 2012 at 1:47 am
Don’t disappear! It might be worth bringing up the marker thing to Dr. Val, because even if the underlying problems and symptoms are still there, markers are much less immediately dangerous in a dissociative state. And that’s cheap for a brand new recliner!
7.
abbys momma | February 24, 2012 at 2:28 am
I kind of get this. I have a really hard time buying more than one pair of shoes at a time. It makes me feel really anxious in a way that I totally don’t understand.
8.
lee1978Lee | February 24, 2012 at 6:26 am
It is hard to spend money when for so long you have had no money. But a chair is a good thing to spend money on. It is something that will last and be comfortable and the color is so restful. I would want to curl up in it with a kitty or a pooch and look out a big window! Enjoy it, it is okay.
Because money issues stress you out and you sometimes disassociate, have you considered talking w/ Dr Val about how to get a payee (like maybe the lawyer that has handled your case) to take care of bills? Usually if someone is in charge of the money they give you an amount you agree on for day to day living and they take care of paying the other stuff, so you don’t forget. Take care of yourself, lots of people care about you!
9.
Splintered | February 24, 2012 at 7:16 am
A chair is not a luxury item. Just think how comfortable your pets will be sitting in it; that’s reason enough to keep it.
10.
Melissa | February 24, 2012 at 7:20 am
That chair is fantastic, LT. Don’t cancel the order, you deserve it! (((LT)))
11.
KimB | February 24, 2012 at 8:10 am
Love this line: “I am totally NOT moving Moonlight”
It is OK to have things and it is OK to have some nice things. You have done without for so long, you probably have a back-log of things you deserve.
Keep the chair and enjoy it!! Start creating “your home.”
12.
Michelle G. | February 24, 2012 at 8:25 am
Perhaps if you think of the chair as somewhere else that’s safe to sleep on.
13.
Foster Mom in Training | February 24, 2012 at 8:40 am
((hugs))
14.
michelle v | February 24, 2012 at 10:03 am
we have that same chair
it is so comfy — it’s even better than sleeping in bed sometimes.
it is totally normal to feel sick about spending that money. for a couple of years we had a really hard time and not enough $ even for the essentials. when i finally could go out and spend $100 at one time on essentials i literally felt like throwing up when i handed over the money. it was fear and guilt. it will get better. definitely talk to dr val about it. i like nurse j’s suggestion about the markers. frankly we all have life crutches whether we admit them or not — i pray, read, sleep, bath, workout when i’m feeling bad. maybe the markers can be a tool to help you phase the cutting out.
♥ michelle
15.
k rock | February 24, 2012 at 10:34 am
The chair looks nice & comfy. If it’s in your budget and u can still eat and have a place to live, what the heck. As for cutting it scares me i would rather have u walk around w/ marker on u. then painful cuts that can get infected. I think you are working through stuff, but it might never get all the way worked through. It’s a lot of pain. If you can get to a place were you are ok. That might just be good enough. baby steps from what About Bob the movie.
16.
KP | February 24, 2012 at 10:46 am
LT, that chair will be a great place for KC to sit as you guys hang out and joke around, maybe for Moonlight to curl up, and perhaps even for YOU to spend some time relaxing, too. Lying on the floor must get old after a while, even when you’re feeling like shit, no?
I hope your stitches heal fast and you get to talk to Dr. Val about your feelings from the last time you saw her, as well as the chair and Nurse J’s suggestion about marker.
And hey, if KC’s sitting in a recliner, she can’t do her silly “raise the roof” dance that makes you roll your eyes at her – right?
17.
Crumble | February 24, 2012 at 11:18 am
It may take a while to buy something and not have negative feelings… I don’t know if this will help but…. KC is a good friend to you, right? And you would like her to have nice things? Maybe the chair is partly for her? you know – she would sit in it when she comes over…
The money is yours. I am sure that is difficult – and I know i can’t really imagine what you are going through. But I hope that you will also think about buying a futon for yourself. I know that is a huge step.
I am wishing the best for you, LT. In all things.
18.
Mel | February 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm
LT, I am so sad that you can’t really enjoy the new things you buy for yourself but I understand!! I always feel bad buying something I call extravagant too.
I agree with the other people who said that you could think of it as a gift to KC as well as your pets. They can use it to be comfortable too, so it’s really a benefit for everyone.
Hang in there.
Also, you draw a lot right? Would you ever consider posting some of it? If that’s outside your safe zone, I totally understand.
19.
Peregrine | February 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Hey LT! I totally understand that nauseous feeling about having bought your chair. I grew up dirt poor and my earliest memories relate to the worry of the adults around me about not being able to afford food etc. I had to learn later in life about how to spend money (and how not to be gripped by guilt and fear over it). But I considered it important to learn this. It made much more free inside.
It is really good to be prudent with money, developing the habit of saving for the short and the long term, being able to assess your means and keeping within them. But you need to also develop breathing space for yourself.
Keep that chair. The fact of having bought it is very good for you!
20.
bec | February 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm
hope you feel better, friend
21.
Jen | February 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm
On the topic of saving money, I strongly recommend learning how to cook for yourself. Once you learn, things get a lot cheaper and healthier. Also it’s a good way to feel more in control of your life. I find that having some frozen soup in the freezer and some canned goods and bags of rice in the cupboard is kind of a nice security blanket when I’m worrying about money, because then at least I’m not scared of going hungry. One good way to learn would be to ask Jessie if you could help her cook sometimes. I’m sure she’d appreciate having someone help her out. Once you’ve helped out with one recipe a few times you’ll probably be able to try it on your own at home. I didn’t really learn how to cook until I was grown up, when I learned recipes from my roommates. It helped to realize that with most things (like soup) it’s OK to skip some ingredients and to not measure things exactly. It’s kind of like salads and sandwiches, where you can get a little creative if you want. Given how you remember all the orders at work, I’ll bet you’d learn faster than I did!
22.
Ross | February 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm
LT you deserve not only a chair but a world full of good things. Don’t cancel the order try to enjoy your recliner. I like to watch Dr. Phil’s show and in one of his shows he said we should replace bad habits with good habits. Habits are there for a reason, like bitting my nails for example when I get nervous. He says that just stop doing something I am used to it is very hard and instead I should focus on replacing that habit with a new healthy one to stop the bitting. I found the article and I want to share it with you. http://drphil.com/articles/article/548
xoxo
23.
Krista | February 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm
Please don’t disappear, dearest LT…you do deserve nice things and that recliner is a really peaceful color, like the color of grass at sunrise. It looks soft and safe, like a place that would be comfortable to wrap yourself up in a blanket and spend time watching cartoons. I bet Moonlight will think it’s awesome too. The picture you found of the dog on the couch is so funny…I can “see” Moonlight doing exactly that sprawling pose on the futon!
Be gentle with yourself, okay?
24.
butterflysblog | February 24, 2012 at 11:55 pm
Sweet LT – I LOVE recliner chairs. I love them so much that we have 3 of them in our house! I’m glad you got one. If you have to feel like shit most of the time, at least feel like shit in a comfortable chair, LT! Also, I LOVE the color you picked. I feel like green is the color of health (veggies are green, grass is green, etc). So I associate that color with good things.
May you only have good things in your life from here on out, sweet LT.
-Butterfly
25.
Ann | February 25, 2012 at 10:46 am
Tell her you want to save your money and then look at things like garage sales, estate sales, yard sales, etc – it’s kinda fun going to different places and seeing things. Sometimes you can find a really good deal because people are moving and they just don’t want to take their things with them!
Talk to KC about spending money. KC is probably use to having money, but you aren’t. My family is poorer so for me, I rather keep my money so I have it, then spend it. I tend to not spend as much as my friends and my things aren’t as nice because those aren’t the things I care about. Maybe one day when I want to start having people over, or hosting events (like KCs family hosted thanksgiving/christmas) then I’ll get nicer things to accomodate those people, but until then – what I have is good enough.
Keeping your money for a rainy day or spending it on a chair are both ok things for you to do – so do what makes you feel best.
26.
RW | February 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm
“I asked Nurse J if it was a problem that I came there.”
What did she answer???
I know she doesn’t want you to disappear. She cares about you and she doesn’t want you to hurt yourself, but if you disappear, then she’d worry even more about you, that you might be hurt and not getting any stitches or getting them from somebody like that bitch of a doctor who saw you last time.
I think you feel bad about the chair because you don’t believe you deserve it because you are worthless, bla, bla, bla–all that bullshit. So pretend you bought it for KC to use because the floor and the futon are not good enough for her, and you are allowed to borrow it when she’s not visiting. You don’t feel awful when you use her family’s furniture at their house, do you? Try to get how you feel then to migrate into your apartment. A better solution would be to stop hating yourself, but that’s not going to happen in the short-term. I wish it could!
I think the idea of substituting marker for cutting is great. After all, you already have a part that uses marker to express hostility toward yourself, so it’s not even a new thing for you. If you use markers when you start to feel bad, before you dissociate, maybe it will work well enough for you to avoid dissociating sometimes?
Self-harm is sometimes like an addiction, and this sounds like the concept in addiction treatment called “harm reduction”–for example, if people aren’t ready to stop using, setting up a needle exchange at least helps fewer of them get HIV or other diseases.
I bet if you ask Dr. Val she would be in favor of you doing anything to reduce harm to yourself while you are working on healing. Don’t assume what she’d say; ask her specifically about this kind of substitution.
Take care of yourself as much as you can!
27.
Kay | February 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Ann has a good point. Garage sales are wonderful places to get furniture, so if you aren’t ready to buy new, that could be a good option for you. When I moved in my apartment I bought some stuff new and other things at garage sales (table, bookshelf). I think things like the chair you bought and sofas are nice to have new, and $199 is a good price for it.
On another subject, I’m sure Dr Val would want you to draw with a marker instead of cutting. Getting to the root of the problem is important, but when you’re not there yet, at least you won’t be getting stitches/infections using a marker.
28.
All my best! | March 26, 2012 at 7:00 am
Hi LT,
At $199 for that chair, I would say you got a great deal! Most recliners like that cost at least twice as much. Maybe it would help if you think of it this way. You’re going to have that chair for at least the next year, won’t you? So take the cost of $199 and divide it by the number of weeks in the upcoming year (52), and that chair is actually costing you less than $4/week, which is less than you pay per week for a single pack of smokes, right? Not bad at all.
I took advantage of those great Presidents Day sales too to buy my younger SD (stepdaughter) a matching couch and loveseat. I didn’t consult with her first either, because I didn’t want to listen to the lecture on how she didn’t need anything. I just gave her the time and date to let the delivery guys in. She has a job and her own apt., but she’s still in college and doesn’t earn much. She’d never say how bad that stained and “ripped to shreds” freebie sofa she had was making her feel, but I could sense it. She’d also deny that her surroundings effect her mood, but now she’s been cleaning, decorating and having more friends over, and just seems a lot more cheerful and less stressed out. Of course it makes a difference.
I like rummage sales too, but when you live in a city and don’t have a car, much less a truck, what cha gonna do? Buses and taxis don’t let you bring your newly purchased rummage sale furniture on them. They don’t fit on bicycles, and I don’t imagine that you and your friend would be able to carry a rummage sale recliner a good 15 city blocks, and then up a flight or 2 of stairs, LOL!
Yeah, that’s why I bought new at a furniture store, and had it delivered too
29.
carlisle | March 30, 2012 at 10:51 am
I’m not much of a cutter, but I pick and scrape at myself with sharp things. I got significantly better when I started soaking in the tub when I was able to catch myself doing/feeling that way. I would make myself stay in there for an hour and a half, minimum. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was boring…by the time an hour and a half goes by, the impulse is gone….
I know for me, I’m dead if I allow myself o do it, once I get into it it is hard to stop but if I catch it at the beginning, it is better…
I used to try to take a shower when I felt that way, but showering was a use of too much energy (when all my energy wants to do is hurt myself) so a bath was better.
I honestly think the sheer boredom of being stuck in there so long made it easier to stop although my shrink doesn’t think so. She thinks it was the nurturing nature of it. I also think the more one is somehow able to resust the impulse the easier it gets. I know if I spend time4 around my birth family, it comes back in a big way.