this morning, im tired…
February 25, 2012 at 12:43 am 27 comments
.
i woke up this morning wanting to die,
im tired of being damaged goods that many families passed by.
.
im tired of knowing that people look at me
and are disgusted and grossed out by what they see.
.
im tired of being in so much pain,
psychological and emotional its such a drain.
.
im tired of all the time it takes to heal,
how much of my life can having to heal… steal?
.
im tired of not having a mom that is mine,
this intense and powerful need will never decline.
.
im tired of pretending to fit in,
in a world where i am so different, im never going to win.
Like this:
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, depression, Foster Care, foster child, foster home, foster kid, foster parents, no family, suicide.
1.
abbys momma | February 25, 2012 at 12:54 am
hey lady- take care
2.
aLonelyRunner | February 25, 2012 at 12:55 am
I am so sorry you are suffering. Be patient and kind to yourself.
3.
Linka | February 25, 2012 at 1:17 am
Dear LT, dear, dear, LT, I feel moved to talk to you as I would talk to my daughter should she express such despair and desperation…if I could be with you I would meet you as close to eye to eye as you would allow,..I would tell you I love you, and I hear and see your hurt, your wounds. I can feel your pain…your honesty and the truth in your words has helped me be there with you…I feel helpless and frustrated in my inability to help you through it all, and all I have to offer is my love, and support,..I know you write these blogs for lots of reasons, they are an excellent outlet for your pain and anger, they are therapuetic,…they give us the opportunity to support you and love you, help you as you allow, so I have to say I DON”T WANT YOU TO DIE. I DON’T WANT YOU TO QUIT! You are scaring me, and I don’t want this to be about me, it is about you.
I LOVE YOU…pure and simple..I love you and who you are….I love your ability to survive…your quirkyness, your honesty, your way with words (you paint a picture like no author I know), your teaching, your poems…your caring for others and your furbabies (you haven’t mentioned them in quite a while…), your wisdom-you have positively changed my life, and by extension, others, by your willingness to share and strip bare to the ugliness of child abuse and neglect…and it’s impact on you… I don’t want to write longer, because I hope you see this tonight,..but daughter, (I am appointing myself as one of your motherhood…the rest will be along with love, and support…and I will be back too…PLEASE go be with people…or call someone if you can…I am worried…gotta go battery running out,,,LOVE YOU!
4.
Jeanne | February 25, 2012 at 7:21 am
Yes, yes,yes. Linka said it beautifully! We all see beauty and great value in your life!
5.
Cesarea | February 25, 2012 at 2:07 am
LT, if you’d die, you’d lose so much more time. Healing is messy. You’ll do it! You are different because you are good. It’s tough being a decent person in a chaotic world.
6.
Linka | February 25, 2012 at 2:09 am
OK, LT, I’m back…I’m going to be right here by my computer all night long, and I am sending you the most powerful love vibes and angels to hug you and prayers to help soothe you…whether you believe this can happen or not, I DO…and I believe in the fact that you can accept and feel all the energy and all the love- it ISsomething real- from everyone who checks in and sees where you are right now, and each one in his/her own way, is sending/ going to send you words of love, support, hugs, smiles…and I am also saying over a point I have made before-it is CHOICE…I hopeand I pray that you choose to take hold of all the possibilites in front of you right now…golden rays of love and hope and healing……you’ve had stolen away all the joy of life you’ve a right to have had, and now,you actually have some great and potential joy ahead of you,…you have the POWER, the ability to let go of the pain, the old monsters who still have a grip on you today…I know you can…you have been chosing to live…choose again…and again and again…each time you gain ground, gain more love, more support…let go of as much as you can tonight…then a little more tomorrow, and at the same time, LET IN all the love all of us, your bloggers, send your way…just one day, one choice at a time…I AM SERIOUS…imagine all of the love and comfort all of us, starting with abbysmomma and aLonleyRunner, and me, and all who come to your aid, cause that is what we are doing you know,,,all of us regulars come every day because we love you…and those newcomers, by and large, are hanging around more and more of them everyday, I see…you are soooo creative-imagine all of our love flowing into your wounds, your scars, your broken places, because love heals it all…but YOU have to choose to let it in, LT…this time choose to live. to let love in…
now I’m stopping writing so I can focus on sending that love, those prayers, those angels to comfort, and the desire to see you succeed, heal (and I know you don’t believe you are healing, but, LT, look how far you;ve come…) This can really happen if you open up enough and let our energies come to you, LT…I pray for the miracle of you feeling it all coming to you…love and blessings….
7.
Linka | February 25, 2012 at 4:15 am
I;m still here,,,
8.
lura | February 25, 2012 at 5:32 am
I’m tired too. I’m so sorry you are too. I wish I knew how to make someone love me like a mother……like a mother would have. I know, and I see…how some good mothers are. I don’t have one either.
9.
Krista | February 25, 2012 at 9:09 am
I am so sorry that you either don’t have a mom or don’t have a good mom. Both you and LT deserve wonderful, gentle, sweet, caring moms. Be gentle with yourself, okay?
10.
Another Voice | February 25, 2012 at 9:18 am
Whenever I am ready to give up, I think to myself “if I give up now then all the bad stuff was for nothing because I let it end without making it better first.” you have suffered so much for no reason and if you hang in there longer you will get to the good part of life. Keep learning and healing!
11.
Linka | February 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm
AMEN! Well said AV!
12.
Krista | February 25, 2012 at 9:21 am
Dearest LT, you know your blog crew cares about you very much…and I also know that letting us in any further than your blog is scary for safety reasons. So each time you let KC or Jessie or Dr. Val or Nurse J or Moonlight’s vet in just a little bit more, you’re letting in more caring and more love and more kindness than you are used to, and that is scary too. But we on your blog crew, we are seeing you blossom each time you are kind to yourself, each time you experience something new and good, each time you dance…and we celebrate with you when that happens. Since healing is such a tough process that seems like it takes forever, it is easy to feel like things will never get better — but compared to how life was for you 2 years ago, you have come SUCH a long way, and I am so proud of you!
13.
Splintered | February 25, 2012 at 11:05 am
LT, you are not damaged. You were hurt. But you are healing. Hang tight.
14.
Shae | February 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Is the weather all right where you live? Maybe you could take the dogs on a walk. Instead of looking for all the similarities between the world and how you weren’t adopted, look for things that reflect your growth and hard won victories? try to see the positive and the potential in both the world and in yourself
Have a good day, LT!
15.
Jeanne | February 25, 2012 at 3:47 pm
You know LT, I was thinking about the “fitting in” part at the end of your post. I go to a women’t Bible Study/discussion group with very successful young women participating. I’m the oldest (the old lady) and there’s one woman in her very early 40′s, the rest are in their 20′s and 30′s – most in their 20′s. We got on an off topic discussion and discovered that the stay at home mom’s felt judged by working Mom’s they encounter, working mom’s feel judged and like they don’t fit in with stay-at-home Mom’s, single women don’t feel like they fit in because they’re not married, women who don’t have children yet feel like they don’t fit in because of it. This may seem like a trite example compared to what you’re going through, but LT, I don’t think there are many people, if any, who feel like they fit in in a lot of ways. I’m guessing that there are a lot more people than we know who have been down similar roads as you but aren’t as brave or as eloquent to share as you are. Different life roads or experiences doesn’t mean less value. What happened to you did not decrease your value! Please don’t give up. You are very valuable to me.
16.
Scarletta | February 25, 2012 at 4:23 pm
Started reading your blog a few days ago. Very sorry that you experience so much emotional pain.
I’m certainly no expert, however, with all you have stated in regard to “what not to do” rearing children that you could make a terrific parent and have that bound you seek?
Also, have you considered writing a book about your experiences?
17.
Cheryl | February 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Praying for you, sweet LT…for good, healing, peace. I know we may have different spiritual beliefs, and that is OK. My belief is in Jesus, so I ask through Him that you would experience love and joy and friendship and every good thing…((hugs)). We would miss you if you weren’t here on blog world…
18.
MamatoMany | February 25, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Thinking of you.
19.
butterflysblog | February 26, 2012 at 1:04 am
Sweet LT – look how many hearts are open to you. All of us in your blog crew love you. I feel like I know you and we have never met. I think about you and talk to other people about you. My point is, sweet LT – you feel alone, but you are surrounded by all of us who care deeply about you, and are grateful for every breath you take, because it means you are alive.
We would be stupid if we didn’t understand how difficult your life truly is. Please stay anyway. I believe that good things are coming your way. May only good come your way from here on.
- Butterfly
20.
lauren | February 26, 2012 at 1:37 am
Hey
I just typed “how can I make someone love me like a mother” into google, and your blog came up.
My situation is completely different to yours, but it sounds like you feel the same way I do.
I know people say all the time “it will get better”, and it never does, but I think eventually you get enouh strebgth to jist hold out and see if it will.
You can give up anytime. But you can’t experience the love that you deserve if you give up before things get better.
It’s really f****** hard. And from the little I’ve read you have been through hell and worse. I’m so sorry for that
The world is sh**. And does not make sense. And I don’t think anything happens for a reason. It just happens. And you were so unlucky.
I think you write beautifully by the way)
I hope you are ok.
I just wanted you to know, I feel the same.
**hugs**
21.
Ross | February 26, 2012 at 1:42 am
hugssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!
xoxo
22.
michelle v | February 26, 2012 at 3:12 am
rest up. you are not disgusting to people. you are emotionally exhausted/ hope you feel stronger soon.
♥ michelle
23.
Jules | February 26, 2012 at 5:41 am
Not much i can add to whats been written alreadly. but I really hope your alright. take care of yourself ok. *hugs*
24.
bikelaura | February 26, 2012 at 3:12 pm
I have been there-that lonely sorrow-just like so many others. I thankfully learned that knowing who I am (or was) is not important. Knowing whose I am makes all the difference. Praying that you learn about peace through Jesus’ true friendship. And thank you very much for your insights. I have learned so much by reading your blog.
25.
Jodi | February 26, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Sad to know things have been extra hard for you lately, sending some motherly love and hugs to you {{LT}} sweetie and know there are a lot of people who truly care for you XOXO
26.
Jodi | February 26, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Today in my newspaper (Arizona Republic) there was a big article about foster care and the kids who age out, they interviewed a few and I thought of you…there really needs to be a revamping of the system…its heartbreaking.
27.
bec | February 27, 2012 at 7:46 pm
I recently saw this one blogger do something interesting… she wrote a letter to her dad who had passed away years before. She wrote it to him pretending he was still alive and updated him on her life. It made me want to do the same. I don’t know if you might want to do something like that… write a letter to your bio mom pretending she is a good mom, just not there with you right now. I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not, but it may be a creative way to deal with your sadness.