email communication

Lately i have gotten alot of comments from people asking me to email them and at times commenting about how they offer and i never respond..  I almost feel as if some people are frustrated by the fact that i dont contact them.  It is starting to weigh on me.  Even though i truly appreciate the comments on my blog, in general…. i dont email people …anymore.

First and foremost, my safety is important, both physical safety and emotional safety.  I dont know you and i dont feel comfortable emailing.  I dont have a facebook, myspace or anything like that either.

I have been “hurt” by people in email.  Mostly by people that lied about who they were or what their intentions were.  Many of the problems i experienced are because i was very naive and believed people, who were deceitful or had ulterior motives.

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Some simple examples are:

(a)  An older woman who said she would adopt me. Even wrote a letter to Dr. Val that I took to therapy.  Then she turned on me, said some very hurtful things.  She has issues, but i believed her because i wanted a mom so bad. You might think it is stupid, but if you never had a mom, its not.  In the meantime, i got very hurt.

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(b) People who claimed to be foster kids and were not. One fake foster kid actually hacked another reader’s computer and stole her credit card information and made purchases. After months of emailing with someone i thought understood me, it turned out the person was a fake and a criminal.

Others who claimed to be in foster care and never were.  They disappeared when I would ask questions that 99% of foster kids in long term care would know.

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(c)  I allowed several people to tell me all about their problems, triggering me left and right … and then they turned around and didnt give a shit about me when some bad things happened to me (hospitalized, suicide attempt, etc).   They did not truly care about me as a person; but as someone that would listen to them.  Sometimes people feel better about themselves when they tell someone like me how great they are; because someone like me is usually in awe: education, money, relationships, family, trips, homes, pools, jobs, etc, etc… I don’t get it but Dr.  Val told me it boosts people’s egos to be told how impressive their accomplishments and “things” are.  Or how beautiful their homes or families are, etc.  From me?  I don’t get it.  What I did get was ignoring when some serious problems occurred with me.  I listened to all their stuff, but they dumped me.  Used and dumped.

(d) I let several people use my blog for their personal reasons, and then they never wrote to me again. Talk about feeling used. Used and dumped.

I would prefer not to spend my therapy time talking about and dealing with issues from the internet.  It sounds crazy, but it is all true.  Perhaps I am more sensitive because of my background, but I dont have the boundaries and interpersonal skills in place to deal with crap.  I am just learning them IRL relationships.

The other problem is that i cant read very good.  I can write and type what comes out of my head, but when i try and go back to read it, it is like i never wrote it.  A blank page almost… that takes me a long time to read.  So if i email, it takes along time for me to make sure i know/read what i wrote … and i feel pressured to respond when it takes me awhile.

So while i am very thankful and grateful for my readers and the comments, i am very careful about email.

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I have enough problems IRL and dont need more in the internet world, when I can’t assess a person face-to-face or hear the tone in their voice…

I can read body language and pick up the slightest changes in voices amazingly  … but i can’t see people through the computer… so i can’t tell about their motives or honesty.

.When I do choose to email someone, it is usually based on long periods of watching their comments on my blog.

But I don’t respond to “email me” … because in my experience it is not been safe.

So, that is the deal.  I don’t email.

If you need email to feel connected to my blog, I am sorry.  I already put A LOT of my feelings, thoughts, experiences and time in the blog.  Sometimes even more than I would put in email….

I am grateful for the support and comments and I read each one.  Sometimes I respond, other times I think, sometimes I just am glad to think that someone might be accepting of me.

My blog is not a place that I want to feel pressure to be certain things to people and other things to other people.  It is a place where I can be honest and real about my experiences and life without worrying about my safety… because I control what is communicated….