Archive for March, 2012
I have been having a hard time the past couple days. I dont really want to go into why, but it has alot to do with the concept of the parent-child relationship, that I have been struggling with recently. As i was laying around today trying to find something productive to do with myself that was not harmful, i became fixated on the question:
I know people adopt healthy newborns and even international infants because they want to be parents. Maybe some have fertility issues…. maybe some simply want a rainbow family…maybe some truly believe that there are too many kids who need a family, so instead of making their own biological kids, they adopt. ok.
These types of adoptions cost a shitload of money. I have seen adoptive parents list prices ranging from $25,000 to $100,000+ for ONE baby/infant. But, I guess people get their perceived “blank slate” to parent and a baby/infant to bond with.
I get this. It makes sense.
Much cheaper than a healthy newborn or an international infant. Right? In fact, in some states, “hurt” children still bring a paycheck once they are adopted — the parents get a subsidy and medical expenses paid — so they are like income. But…
Are we REALLY cheaper in the long run?
… all the pain and suffering it seems that many adoptive parents claim to experience when adopting a “hurt” child? All the annoyance, frustration, disgust? The toll it takes on your lives, your family, your friends? YEARS of “putting up” with the behaviors of the “hurt” child. “Hurt” children do badly in school, do badly with relationships, do badly with self-care, do badly with …. well almost everything.
And in many cases the “hurt” child grows into a “hurt” adult, because years of hurt take along time to heal…so surprise … more problems into adulthood.
Why do you do it?
I find it hard to believe that in the 2000′s that someone would claim that they did not know how a “hurt” child would behave, react, respond, grow, etc; especially coming from a foster care situation or an orphanage. On freaking TV, they always show foster kids as fucked up, runaways, screw-ups, etc. Is this one reason people adopt kids that “ruin their lives” or “cause so many problems” … because they didn’t know?
Savior complex? … but then when the “hurt” child ruins your life or you realize you are too old, have too many other children, don’t want to do what it takes … and you throw them away or feel so much anger and hate towards them ….. who did it save? .
Because you actually wanted to? … before the “hurt” child ruined your lives?
Because money was an issue, and you couldnt afford the healthy white newborn or international infant?
Because you were hurt once too …. and get it?
Why do people adopt “hurt” kids?
There must be a hierarchy of acceptable “hurt” because my skinny, blond, blue-eyed “hurt” self was never adopted. Nope. If I was being “test-driven,” I crashed somewhere early on in most foster homes and never made it to the finish line…never adopted. My body and mind screamed out “hurt.” I had physical scars on my body which made it easier to see that there was “hurt,” so maybe literally I scared people away.
I want a family so badly, one that would have wanted and understood the “hurt child.” Are enough of them truly out there? Maybe I was lucky in a sense, if so many people who adopt “hurt” children simply feel they “ruined their lives” and feel like they had to make so many “sacrifices” to care for the “hurt” child; maybe it was better that I never felt that hate and disgust and burden from what was supposed to be a forever family. I already felt that enough from so many other people.
In my ideal, stupid mind, I guess I would want to believe that people adopt “hurt” children because they love children, believe everyone deserves a family and a home, and that they want to walk the healing path with the child… all FOR the child.
..but I am beginning to think this is NOT true for most people …