bathroom reading

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Bathrooms have become an issue for me.  Not MY bathroom, but other bathrooms.  Basically, I don’t want to use any bathroom, but MINE.  Not in public, not at work, not at KC’s house, not at therapy, not anywhere…  It makes things hard when I drink a supersize soda and am stuck across town… or when I am at work constantly drinking  and don’t/won’t go.  At work, I open the door and look in, but don’t go in.

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When I spent all those years in foster care, I used all kinds of bathrooms.  Many different foster homes, different group homes, court-houses, schools, etc.  My ass probably sat on thousands of different toilets.  Not all of them were “nice” and clean.  Sometimes the “kids” had a crappy bathroom and the foster parents had another bathroom.  The “kids” had broken things, like seats or mirrors, had moldy walls, ripped floors, holes, etc.  Sometimes they were ok, but never really reflected me with my choice of colors or design… Just another kid passing through.

Living in group homes… sometimes the bathrooms could be dangerous, especially if it was a large group home.  In the large group homes I stayed in, the bathrooms were usually multi-toilet, multi shower style, with a door on both sides to enter and exit.  Although the rules dictated that the doors into the bathroom be kept open, so you basically walked in; all it takes is a group of kids to close the doors, appoint the look-out on both sides, and you could get your ass kicked or raped.  It’s amazing how fast those events can occur.  Smaller group homes usually had smaller bathrooms.  More like a personal bathroom.  I remember them having 1-3 sinks, toilet stalls, and showers.

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When I aged-out and lived on the streets, I used all kinds of bathrooms; bus stations, fast food places, parks, old abandoned buildings, nature, anything I could sneak into, porta-johns, libraries, subway stations, pay-by-the-hour motels, stores, shelters, more nature, under bridges, etc .  All those years on the streets, I probably peed and pooped in thousands of toilets and non-toilets.  Let me tell you people, there are some pretty shitty public bathrooms out there; and when you are the lowest piece of crap on the planet, that’s what you get to use.  You see many of the restuarants and stores have signs that say “No Public Restrooms – Customers Only” or “No Public Bathrooms.”  Sucks to be crap on the streets.

So, last summer, I moved into this nice apartment.  Compared to any place I had lived on my own, it is like a mansion (Click here to refresh your memory).   So it’s not that my bathroom is big or fancy, its just…  nice … and I really feel like its MINE.  I didnt have alot of money, but I have a green monkey fluffy rug in there and as you know, a couple of my towels have animals on them.  So, its not anything amazing, compared to most.

So…

Why after all the years of living like I did would I now be freaked out of “used/public bathrooms?”  Germs?  Other people? ????  I can’t figure it out.  It started developing slowly last summer when I first moved into my place, after I left KC’s house.  Now, its gotten to where I am not using the toilet anywhere…the only place I am letting it out is in the bathroom with the monkey rug…