why some foster kids are still fucked up
April 17, 2012 at 2:59 am 46 comments
Occasionally I get a comment from an ex-foster kid or a foster parent that raised foster children that are “doing great” and are *successful.* Usually these comments negate my experience, tell me to look forward, or they simply can’t understand what I write because their experience was “not so bad.” Frequently they tell me they are in college, are in relationships, and have a good life because they did not let “foster care affect them.” I got one a couple of days ago on another post.
Usually I remove the comments or respond, depending on my mood. I often feel I have to defend why “I am such a loser” compared to whoever is commenting. What I usually say is something along the lines of:
NOT all states
are the same when it comes to foster care and opportunities
NOT all kids are the same when it comes to the reason they are in foster care
NOT all kids are in the system for the same amount of time
.
- SOME kids have learning disabilities that affect school performance
- SOME kids have NO biofamily, some have some biofamily connections
- SOME kids have severe mental illness caused by years of abuse; attachment issues, DID, PTSD
- SOME kids can’t trust or form relationships because they have been so hurt; they live in constant fear
- SOME kids get ok foster homes, some get good foster homes, and some get bad foster homes
- SOME kids wind up living on the streets because they have NO place to go
…if it was as easy and simple as people suggest, the statistics on kids who age out would not be so horrible (i.e. less than 3% get a college degree, compared to >28% of the general population, 70% of aged out girls get pregnant, 60% of males have been convicted of a crime ……)
For example: Making a comparison about my life which was filled with severe abuse from my bioparents, to someone who entered foster care at age 16 because their parents were drug addicts, but never abused their child is like comparing apples to oranges. You can’t make comparisons about where one foster child should be based on where another one is, because life experiences are so different. Early development and treatment plants a seed for how a child grows.
.
A person who is “doing great” and has relationships of both friendships and sexual relationships, clearly had a different early life than I did. Psychologically they are more developed than I am. My early life has left me stuck in stage ONE of development — Trust vs. Mistrust. I am still navigating that stage, working on it in therapy and slowly in real life. I fucking have along way to go. I barely trust MYSELF!
.
Anoth
er issue that always jumps out at me when I get these comments is: GOOD THERAPY is important and helps. BAD THERAPY fucks you up more and makes things worse. And NO THERAPY keeps a kid stuck. Maybe ex-foster kids who are “doing great” had good therapy during their time in foster care. Maybe they did not need much therapy, because their life was not that damaging.
I needed therapy from day one in foster care until present. Let’s be real, I know I am screwed up. I live like a hermit, because I am terrified of people. Worse, I am terrified of myself.
My therapy in foster care… consisted of “occasional” good therapy followed by moving foster homes and either not getting therapy or getting bad therapy. In order for therapy to work, you need a relationship. You can’t form a relationship when you are moving all the time. You can’t form a relation
ship if you are NOT in therapy at all. In order for therapy to work, everyone in the child’s life need’s to be involved… yes, that means workers and foster parents. I think I can count on one hand the number of times my foster parents had an interest in “therapy.” Many times, they did not even drive me or pick me up… a worker or a fucking transporter would take me or pick me up. Hard to process therapy when the foster parents that are “caring” for you, don’t show an interest.
And if you think I am full of shit… ironically when I was thinking about MOMS last week, I found this blog written by a therapist. No, it’s not Dr. Val, but LCSW Martha, who apparently has had a career working with all kinds of children and adults, and spent some time working with foster kids…. Most of her blog is above my head in terms of smartness, but this statement from her adoption post, fucking floored me, because it captured my experience with therapy during foster care. In a way, it was validating for me….
From the mouth of a therapist who worked with foster kids:
“No parent, group home worker, or foster parent ever came in to consult with me despite my repeated invitations. I mailed off occasional, unrequested progress reports to some remote office and was never contacted or informed about any external occurrences in the child’s life unless the kid told me themselves. I was never asked to confer or to participate in any family or institutional decision. Children would be hospitalized, placed in adoptive families, teens incarcerated, run off, or returned to live with their parents and I would never be notified, except by other kids. Case closed. …. None of them felt that anyone belonged to them, there was no trusted grown-up invested in their specific well-being.”
My response to her post:
“Very powerful. People wonder why therapy is not successful with foster kids or why they aren’t healed when they age-out. “People” –foster parents, workers, bio-parents if appropriate — need to be involved in the healing process, not just on the outside and not just passing the kid around to people who half-ass care.”
You see folks.. why some kids are still fucked up?
You see why I am still fucked up?
For some/many long-term foster kids…
No-one cares.
No-one engages and helps aid the healing work.
No-one commits.
If no-one cares in your life, it is really hard to grow and heal alone … For many foster kids who have not had safe and positive relationships, foster parents are supposed to be that…
But when they don’t care about our healing, or talk about it with us, if we wish … foster parents become not much better than other “parents” we have had, because WE know they are not interested in us and don’t care about us.
If no-one cares about you, it is really hard to care about yourself…
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, child abuse, Foster Care, foster child, foster home, foster kid, foster parents, therapy, trauma.
1.
britneyana | April 17, 2012 at 3:25 am
I am friends with a family of 5 (going on 6) kids. One thing i have learned from them is …
foster care rots.
their one adopted son is four. he is a lovely, friendly, and just outright amazing child, he is four now. he was born addicted to drugs, and has a hole in his heart. his bio mother was murdered shortly after he was born/adopted, and his bio dad died of cancer in prison. now, how will those experiences not screw him up later on in life?
they talk about other kids that came to stay with them because their foster family went on vacation, and did not want to take them. wtf.
“what does not kill you fucks you up mentally”, i think is the name of the game.
2.
Tanja | April 17, 2012 at 11:47 am
How should this comment possibly be helpful for LT?
3.
bec | April 17, 2012 at 3:31 am
When I become a worker in two years, I promise to do my best to care, engage, commit… Much love to you, friend.
4.
abbys momma | April 17, 2012 at 3:34 am
I think it is really important tobringup the variety of ways foster care can work out for folks. Nice blog.
5.
M.E. | April 17, 2012 at 4:02 am
good post, keep on wading through the shit…
6.
YW | April 17, 2012 at 7:27 am
Great post LT and so to the point, I really hope you are doing something local, to help local foster parents to make changes. to learn learn learn from you.. I think about all those foster children that you are speaking up for.. Just want to let you know I hear you, I hear you loud and clear and I am hoping more and more people get to read your blog.. it will open their eyes and their hearts, I know you have opened mine..
Dont take the bad or mean comments from other people to serious.. I dont want them to hurt you.. try to ignore it or like you did now reply with hard facts.. that should hopefully realize what they did or say and will not hurt others in the future..
that is all one can hope for,… I think.
stay cool LT.. hope you get to hang with your friend KC soon.
YW
7.
Jeanne | April 17, 2012 at 8:04 am
Seriously LT, I can’t believe what some poeople say to you!
I have been a foster parent for a while (haven’t fostered that many kids because we adopted the ones who’s parental rights were terminated) and I have a parent who spent a lifetime in the child welfare field. I have never heard of anyone who has gone through as difficult of a childhood as you have. For someone to try to compare their own experience to yours is ridiculous.
There has been a buzz phrase that used to go around that “children are resilient” which I think is completely false. Children are survivors, not resilient – crap that happens to them affects them. You are an amazing survivor.
Siblings who grow up in an “in tact” family (same parents, same curcumstances, etc.) don’t turn out the same so I don’t understand how anyone could think everyone who goes through foster care could turn out the same.
I’m so glad you have Dr. Val and LT and that you’re working on trust. Like everyone, they are human so they will make mistakes sometimes and you may feel let down but that’s what happens in human relationships. They obviously care a lot about you and have your best interest at heart – that makes them very trustworthy.
I’m glad you’re back!
8.
Krista | April 17, 2012 at 8:15 am
This is a great post, LT…LCSW Martha’s blog is now on my must-read list…thank you for the link.
You are so smart and so wise; you’re right on the money when you describe yourself at the trust vs. mistrust stage. Your bioparents failed you in ways that are so profound, it’s no wonder that you’re still trying to cope with it all. Then the system failed you, and that just reinforced everything you had already learned: that you can’t trust anyone or develop attachments since the other person will either hurt you or leave or both.
I am so glad you have a good therapist in Dr. Val. Yes, good therapy was needed earlier in your life, but so many people never get good therapy at all, and I am glad you are getting it now instead of never getting good therapy.
Keep your chin up, dearest…your Blog Crew has your back.
9.
MamatoMany | April 17, 2012 at 8:17 am
Good grief, from under what rock do these people crawl to post these things. Yay for them, they had a different experience. How in the world does that give them the context to evaluate what happened to you? It’s like saying that every person that goes to a hospital goes for the same reason.
And that’s not true. Some come in for a routine health check up. Others are life flighted in to a trauma bay. It’s the same hospital, but the needs of the people are very different.
Sweet LT, loved your blog.
Thinking of you, always.
10.
Foster Mom in Training | April 17, 2012 at 8:49 am
I’m proud of how strong you have become, LT. Thank you for advocating for kids. Thanks for explaining what I need to do to be a better foster parent. I see tremendous growth in you, LT. I’m proud of you!
11.
Foster Mom | April 17, 2012 at 8:50 am
(hugs)
12.
caroline | April 17, 2012 at 9:22 am
I saw that comment and your response to her was excellent. Many people can’t see things outside of their own reality.
I find it so troubling that foster parents would not be engaged in the therapy process with their foster children. I don’t get it.
13.
Linka | April 17, 2012 at 9:32 am
Bravo, LT, another awesomely excellent post. You are my hero and my inspiration. I hope that you feel the caring and support from your blog crew, and that it helps you on your healing path. You are not alone anymore…blessings!
14.
Splintered | April 17, 2012 at 9:48 am
“GOOD THERAPY is important and helps. BAD THERAPY fucks you up more and makes things worse. And NO THERAPY keeps a kid stuck.”
This is the truth.
15.
Kat | April 17, 2012 at 11:05 am
It REALLY fucking is. I had bad therapy as a kid and am still struggling to recover from it. It was so fucked up I have PTSD just from the THERAPY and that makes it damn near impossible to get good therapy. Hard to do, you know, when you’re scared shitless of doctors…
Thank you for saying what so many of us are thinking.
16.
Cheryl | April 17, 2012 at 10:03 am
Can I be your sister? I’m not a mom and i’m younger than you but can I be your sister? Please, you really understand what i feel
17.
Calla | April 17, 2012 at 10:18 am
I don’t know how anybody would read your blog and post a comment like that. How could anyone be so callous and ignorant?! Those people are not worth the time it takes you to respond to their ridiculous remarks…. and yet you respond so well, and with such clarity. Good for you.
18.
Christina | April 17, 2012 at 10:46 am
LT, Cheryl had asked if she could be your sister… Sometimes people who have gone through the same things and understand you more than probably family ever would might will be more of a sister than a bio sister. I don’t have any family at all due to aging out of the foster care system, emancipated at 17 was in since the age 7. I have found in my life sisters who have helped me grow and become a better woman. It’s not a bad idea LT to take someones offer even if it’s from a far. We all need people in our life. It’s not healthy to seclude yourself and become a hermit. If people want to be in your life it’s because they don’t care how fucked up you are. I read your posts every time you post and I wish I was closer to you. I wish that I could see your face and be a part of your life. You make me feel that I’m not alone and that all the fucked up things that happened to me, other people went through the same things too. Keep using facts in your posts when others have someing negative to say. It catches them off guard to open their mouths again. Keep moving forward LT. I am not in therapy now even though I should be. I just can’t afford it. It sucks that just because you can’t come up with money to see a good therapist, you just don’t get to see one. So my fiancé of 10 years who has stuck by my side through everything has become my therapist, mom, dad, brother, doctor sometimes, and anything else I want to call him cause he’s the only person in my life who has stayed. But sometimes he can’t be what I want in the moment and it’s frustrating and sometimes I just want to talk to someone else. Sometimes when I only having him to open up to, it gets lonely cause he doesn’t understand everything. He grew up in what we call a perfect senerio. We just moved to Denver 2 weeks ago to be next to his family but I’ve never had family so it’s taking some adjustments. I’ve never had a mother call or text me everyday just to ask how I am. In a way it feels nice but very foreign to me. But I can definitely get the hang of this. Sorry I just went off but I needed to express. Have a great day LT. Xoxo
19.
Dinah | April 17, 2012 at 10:48 am
Seems as if you need to keep educating us all. Keep up the good work.
20.
barbie1368 | April 17, 2012 at 10:54 am
LT, it’s me again, this blog is so “on the money”, i too, wish that i could be your sister, or your mom, cuz, i’m so old now, but i am stuck too , i think from all the negativity, but i want therapy, i’m just so embarrased or it;s hard to put into words about my past experiences in foster care and when returned to my bio mom and her “boyfriend”, and when i was returned to care as a teen, i will say tho’, that thru your blog, i’m getting closer to picking up the phone for help, thank u LT and u r my KINDRED SPIRIT, luv B
21.
Kat | April 17, 2012 at 11:04 am
Welcome back, LT.
I had a dream about you last night. Don’t ask me how I knew it was you. I just did. I think you must have been a foster mom because you had a big house and you took in kids who didn’t have anyone. You loved them all, even when they kicked and spat and said they hated you. You never dumped a single kid. You saved their lives by treating them the way people should have treated you.
I know this probably sounds like a stupid dream and maybe even creepy, since I’m a stranger. But I figured I might as well tell you about it anyway. What the hell, right? At least now you know one more person out there is thinking about you.
Hang in there, LT.
<3
22.
Mary | April 17, 2012 at 11:15 am
Sad…I think about you everyday, LT, and wish for your happiness…
*Hug*
23.
Cheryl | April 17, 2012 at 11:32 am
i know it’s hard to trust people, me too. You have a pure heart LT and you understand what i feel, that’s why i trust you
24.
Shae | April 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Well you are doing the best for yourself, trying to get therapy and work on being more confident
I believe in you, LT. I’m sorry that some people’s posts make you uncomfortable or like they are comparing you to thier own experience. yes, everyone is different, and I must say that it seems like you have made great progress since the past year. You’ve had to deal with a lot. Remember, take it one step at a time and do what is best for you. Have a happy Tuesday!!! And remember your blog buddies/ readers care about you! 
25.
Cocco | April 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Dear I hope someday you’ll open your eyes on the fact that you have a wonderful bright mind which is a luck not many people have. You think a lot, that’s good… but sometimes you focus on “bad things”, which is understandable but it holds you back from being more serene. Now you are in a phase of your life where you’re “elaborating” what happened in the past… it’s not bad, this is actually really good but it’s hard (I come from a different past but I had to go through something similar and still feel I’ve to work on many things, and I know it’s hard, still feel tired) so don’t make it harder and take always good care of yourself and keep in mind that you don’t have to defend yourself, no one in his/her right mind compares you or your life with his/her own life (actually this is something none should ever do in any case with anyone).
You are a person who is (in this present time) scared by the world and prefers living in a more reserved way… it’s ok you know! This doesn’t make you a loser, there are so many people out there that for personal and different reasons decided to live this way, (even many artists/writers from the past did the same too and they managed to have a wonderful life and career).
Take your time, you’ll see someday you will find this world and people out there less scary.
You just need time to heal and feel safe and better. So you don’t rush things and do not spend your time blaming yourself or defending yourself, it’s bad for your health, both emotional and physical health… And if you can, take a rest from your memories, a brief rest from the world of foster families and from your past and start thinking of your future (like 5 minutes, just for 5 minutes try and fantasize about what you want for yourself and out of your life. I’d like to know your dreams).
By the way, since you like cartoons and drawings… why don’t you buy a set of watercolor pencils and professional papers? Ever thought of becoming an illustrator? Since it’s a really important matter for you and since you like cartoons, have you ever thought of talking of foster kids’ world and foster families through drawings and illustrated books? You see, no matter if now you have enough money to live well, you need to do something that gives your mind, your heart and your spirit a gratification and I’m sure working as illustrator/graphic or something similar will be of help. You could even rely on KC and ask her for help when it comes to technical stuff and if you needed I can help you as well and can explain you something since art is my world. Just find something that makes you feel better and use it to give your life a better taste.
26.
takingnycbystorm | April 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Thanks for the post and for linking to the other blog. That was wonderfully written and so insightful.
27.
Crumble | April 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Wow.. Great quote from the other therapist – and such a relevant part of what happens, and yet is overlooked ALL the time. You are right that it is wrong for strangers to bring children to and from their therapy sessions. How are they suppose to process what happened? And there really should be more dialogue between the foster parents and the therapist, and the child – all together.
Is it also the fact that the child has no control on if they are going to have to move or not? I think the disruption -espeically if the child was starting to settle in – would compound everything else that is happening. I know you have talked about this before, but everything is so interrelated. It is hard to seperate all the factors.
I think you are doing an awesome thing with this blog, LT. And I think things have gotten better for you, however slow the process is. I am proud of you for being able to identify and speak out and label some of the things that happen in foster care that are overlooked by people like me because we never looked at it from your perspective.
28.
Ross | April 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm
you are Amazing as always.
xoxo
29.
Mom Meets Blog | April 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm
This post is so powerful. You are an education to me.
30.
butterflysblog | April 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Sweet LT – you are so right about this. It’s ridiculous for anyone to compare their experiences with someone else only to end up denying the other person’s experience. Ridiculous and stupid and dangerous. You are so much smarter than many other people.
-Butterfly
31.
walter5 | April 17, 2012 at 7:27 pm
You are right. Comparisons between different foster care cases, and how the children “turned out” are not valid. Too many differences between people and how they ended up in foster care.
32.
Jess | April 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Our foster system is so effed up. How can we treat kids like this? I feel like the general population doesn’t know about this stuff. 20 foster homes, growing up in care and then having no family, etc……makes me sick. I wish their was an awareness group other than the coin box on the Wendy’s counter. This is just as or more important than Pink ribbons or who can get married to whom!!
33.
Instant Mama | April 17, 2012 at 10:10 pm
Wow, it is amazing the level of indifference some people have, and also amazing how ignorant some people are. I totally agree with whoever said that even bio kids raised in the same family and sharing the same genes and upbringing turn out different – how in the world can we expect different people who are living with “strangers” and who have been through hell to all act the same and experience the same recovery? So insane. I also find it so sad that this therapist never had a worker or foster parent take her up on the invitation to dialogue. My kids’ therapist asked if we could have a session together, and my hubby and I jumped on it – of course we would meet with her! That was actually the only time I’ve ever gotten a babysitter for my two that stay with me all day, which tells you how important this was to me. I am a foster mother, but my focus is all on the “mother” and the “foster” doesn’t even get noticed half the time. These kids are my kids all the way until the day they go back with their mom. If that never happens, then they are my kids forever. Either way, they’ll never have to navigate the system the way you did. I’m so sorry, LT, that so many foster parents and workers failed you. You have strengthened my resolve to be there for my kids 100%, all the time. Thank you for doing that, for being you, and for giving a relevant and intelligent voice to the many who have no voice themselves. God Bless.
34.
michelle v | April 18, 2012 at 12:16 am
good for you for your straightforward post. we are all proud of your progress and continued advocacy.
♥ michelle
35.
Cesarea | April 18, 2012 at 1:26 am
LT, some people (like those who blame you for not coping like they did with foster care) don’t have a great deal of emotional intelligence. You do. In my mind, you are “successful”, because you are self-aware, caring, and you help others all the time. These are rare achievements in this world. Stay strong.
36.
kamamast | April 18, 2012 at 7:49 am
you are so right about all the different possibilities of why some people may be able to do better/cope better with somewhat similar circumstances…support and access to resources make s such a huge difference…as does length of time and how early it all started, etc.
thank you so much for this blog. i feel a bit less alone. although i never went through the foster system , my bio parents were ver y much like yoursbut neve got caught and i never got out until i ran away myself as soon as i turnd 18. i relate to so much of what you write even though i didn’t have the foster care experience specifically. sometimes i wish my parents had gotten stopped at some point…but other times, knowing how messed up the foster care system is and that it might have just ended up being mroe of the same, i think maybe it was better the way it was.
i’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, and all you still struggle with . i relate to your sturggles so much too. i also am stuck in trust/mistrust phase very badly and it’s very difficult to learn how to trust, when to trust, who to trust. as you say, i struggle to even trust myself at all.
37.
douglas wood | April 18, 2012 at 9:17 am
My name is Douglas Wood my email is douglasglennwood@gmail.com i am writing a book about my life and others life’s in foster care may i but some of you writing in my book some times you say just what i can’t my life in foster care was not good i won’t go in to it right now for you all ready now what i am talking about. Please think about it.
Douglas Wood
38.
Lisa | April 18, 2012 at 11:12 am
Wow! You can write the socks off most of us. It is a shame that the system doesn’t do a better job with kids. Sometimes it seems like it doesn’t really matter if you’re really truely helping kids. The system just wants those boxes checked. I had a CW ask me if our 2 year old FD was in therapy. I wanted to say the only reason she would need therapy is because of the system.
There is a long way to go………I hope you’ll keep writing.
39.
heidi | April 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Glad you are writing again and your post today was on target…people say kids are the future but often dont act like it…and when budgets come out children services are always being cut…sadly FC have such a societal stigma against them…
40.
william milsap | April 22, 2012 at 4:01 am
i agree with most of wat u had to say but, a couple of things, u repeativly used the term “exfoster” there is no such thing in my book, just because i aged out doesnt heal the past im still a foster child, always will be…nothing can erase that, also u cant say that if a foster youth has a successfull relationship or is successfull in general, means they didnt have much effect on thier life cuz everyone handles things different, i know cuz i was there, i just refuse to be hurt amymore im still not “fixed” but i do like to pretend, the damage is there and cant just be erased its there and i will always have a whole, another issue is even though u may say ur successfull and happy, dont mean u are, i say i am, but deep down i know im not and doubt i ever will be, but your postings do help thanks
41.
Kat | April 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm
FWIW, I am a licensed foster parent, and during the training I had to take in order to be able to adopt children from the foster care system, we learned about how important it was to make sure our kids get continued therapy. They specifically emphasized this. All the children whose bios I read through as we go through the matching process ALL indicated that these children will need continued therapy, and that any prospective parents need to support that.
Also– some biological children in non-abusive homes also have some of these same trust issues and stress-related problems that need professional counseling. It’s just the way some people are. I’m not trying to minimize the trauma that most foster kids go through, but some people respond better to counseling and treatment than others, even those from good biological homes.
42.
kat82 | May 28, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I am grateful for your blog, thank you for saying what the reality is. I am a therapist but I came to this because of my 15 years in foster care and the inner hate and bitterness I developed over the years of neglect and abuse were only solved through my own hard work and determination not to be another statistic. However joke on me I’m infertile and my husband and I wanted to adopt and the assholes that screwed me up red flagged me and now I will never adopt. Thank you foster care for chewing me up, spitting me out, and taking my chances to be a wonderful loving mother to a kid who like me just needs a forever family.
43.
SM | June 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Great post. I’m 15, and I’ve been in the system for about 10 months. I was taken away from my disabled parents because the house wasn’t foresafe. That said, I do have mental trauma from what happened to me and the way my first two placements treated me (counting respite, I’ve lived 5 places in one year). I’ve started therapy, and honestly, it only makes me feel worse. I don’t see how making me talk about stuff I don’t want to helps me mentally. Just send me home I’ll get unmessed up!
44.
Her | November 25, 2012 at 1:06 am
It’s hard to hear that you feel that you have to defend yourself when others express that they have had a difference experience. I’m one of those doing-well-now-ex-foster-kids (undgrad degree, grad degree, own a small business, good romantic relationship, etc.) but I’m not writing to make you feel bad. My comments are more toward those reading this blog. I want to help them understand that we didn’t all have the same experience. I HATE when I get the sad-eyed, “Oh! You were in foster care? My god! You seem so normal” comments. It bugs me because the person is assuming all of these things about my life based on one fact: I spent time in foster care. Ugh! Of course we’ve all had different experiences. I would like to have people understand that we are not all the same.
45.
Kayla | February 5, 2013 at 12:16 am
I just wanted to stop by and say how brave I think your post is. I was a foster child as well, I am now 21 working on creating a life for myself but there are still a lot of things that I am easily bothered by about my past. Its hard to pretend that everything is ok and “we” choose our own paths, when all throughout life someone else’s bad decision has effected our life dramatically. I know you probably here this a lot, but I think that we could really relate, and I, like you, have a very short supply of friends. My therapist and a friend who I don’t talk to much. (its hard to make new friends as an adult, and hard to keep friends you knew in high school, when you are constantly switching schools.) so this is my pathetic attempt to gain a new friend, even if its just an email, I would appreciate it, and I would be honored to be a support in your life as well. I hope this post reaches you.
46.
Linda | February 10, 2013 at 11:28 am
Everytime I visit I see another dimension of the pain. I think about you LT and to me you are an inspiration – this blog helps me in the area where I am mostly clueless.
Our two foster daughters moved in 11 months ago – it’s going okay I guess I am not sure how to quantify it . . . we think they are well adjusted and we love having them in our lives. Their bio mom’s rights were terminated last month. Our 7 year old does not have many friendships and we’re trying to encourage that. Our 12 year old recently stole from her friend.
Social workers have been telling us to get them both in therapy and they don’t even yet know about the stealing incident. The last therapist they sent us to had offered to work pro bono with the girls because he personally has adopted children . . .his office is old, dirty and dingy, our first visit he wore stained sweatpants . . .he literally had his eyeglasses taped together . . .then he told us not to worry about how the girls are doing in school . . .
I have no clue on what to do here – do we send them to this therapist that the social worker recommends or do fight for someone else? Yes they have been through so much loss and grief and we are here to support them now and always so should school and grades not be any concern? Do we say to them just do what you can and the rest will fall into place or do we encourage them gently to do their best with our love and support?
I agree with you LT – everyone needs a “MOM” someone that represents unconditional love. I am trying to be that person for them and I am torn about where to draw the line with structure and conditions.
I wish someone had stepped in for you LT. No one deserves to be so isolated. Thanks once again for your insight and giving me this kind of sanctuary to spill my muddled guts. You are truly an inspiration.