today i knew i was a foster kid because…
April 26, 2012 at 2:08 am 25 comments
… I woke up on the floor and had no clue where I was; what house, what state, where… I only “came to” when my pets nudged me with their snouts.
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… I went to put my jeans on and they did not fit right. Too big and falling down. Many times my clothes or shoes never fit “right”… I learned to be comfortable in whatever.
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… I had a girly question … and no “mom-like figure” to ask. Guess it can wait..
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… I saw a state car on my way to work and felt my mind drift to all the times I sat alone in the back of the vehicle listening to a worker tell me “this next place/home/family will be a much better fit.”
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… At work, my boss tells us that the computer is down because the ISP is doing maintanence in the area. I stand there clueless for a moment, because ISP used to mean my individual service plan.
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… A few minutes later, one of the guys at work says “Look at that GAL” … and I start looking for a fancy-dressed, slightly frazzled, case-carrying lawyer.
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…When a guest at the restaurant pulls out a green jello cup to give to her child, I almost vomited. Jello is forever the cheap group home dessert. PUKE!
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… In the resta
urant, on the bus, in the world … there are lots of people sitting enjoying being with each other. They are comfortable in social situations … but I am awkward, shy, and different… and have an extremely difficult time relating.
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… I get home and check that the little papers that I stick in my doo
r as a “security measure” to make sure no-one enters my apartment, are still there. Paper on the floor or moved means someone was in. I also check the bathroom as I walk by to make sure my shower curtain is the direction I leave it. Moved means someone was there or still in my apartment… I NEVER FEEL SAFE.
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… As I write my blog tonight and look for pictures, I find this one which causes me great distress, as the first thing that flashes through my mind is “rape” – because “daddy’s do *it* different.”
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… It is 2:00 AM and I am still up; afraid to sleep, afraid of the night, afraid of the dark, afraid of my mind… and very little comfort as I battle alone.
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… It seems I am branded for life with memories and brain signals that will keep bringing me back to places and times I want to move past … perhaps there really is no fading away of the past, that it haunts forever…
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: aged-out foster kids, Foster Care, foster child, foster home, foster kid, foster parents, trauma.
1.
butterflysblog | April 26, 2012 at 2:15 am
Sweet LT – it is the middle of the night, and I am up too. Now I get to be the first commenter on your post though, so I think my insomnia tonight is worth it. I think you are great, as you know. Yay LT!
-Butterfly
2.
Kat | April 26, 2012 at 2:17 am
Once again LT, you write about the things that happen in my own head and heart. I mean, my god…my apartment is such a fucking mess. Always has been, always will be. I like, surround myself in little cocoons of crap. A clean apartment isn’t SAFE! Like a motel room or something…you just never know who’s been there.
On the one hand, I’m glad you write, because it makes me feel less alone. On the other hand, I’d gladly be alone if it meant you’d never have to go through this hell.
I dunno. I’m probably not making any sense. I’m a mess.
Let’s watch something. It might make us both feel better. Spongebob?
3.
abbys momma | April 26, 2012 at 2:25 am
I thought the kiddo would work through things faster when she was finally diagnosed DID. ‘Cause if we know what it is we can deal with it right? Well yes and no, but I tell you every once in awhile I make a really detailed list of things that are improving I’m always amazed at how long it is. And how hard she is working to get there.
4.
Nightaura | April 26, 2012 at 2:44 am
I am up at 2 am too. Last night it was because of other things, but tonight it is because my 19 year old son through foster care called in trouble. He stupidly left the place he is living past curfew and is stranded in a not so good area with no way to get anywhere. I could have (and maybe should have) not helped, but I knew he had no where else to go. So now I can’t go back to sleep wondering if my help was enough. I hope you can get some sleep.
5.
YW | April 26, 2012 at 2:59 am
Thinking of you LT… hope you read this in the morning which meant you were able to fall asleep and wish I could help you even with your girly question, can you ask KC? I am hoping you have a great talk with Dr Val Friday maybe an idea to print some of your postings and bring it with you, they are all so well written and I think it will help Dr Val to help you.. ? I hope ? Sweet dreams don’t be scared: Moonlight and Shadow got your back! Oh and make a grocery list get some food in that fridge ok? Some whole wheat bread, turkey, cheese, peanut butter, Jellie, Juices, milk, cookies. maybe waffles for breakfast. You need to eat so your pants will fit again.. ; -)
Sweet Dreams!
YW
6.
ella | April 26, 2012 at 3:00 am
Hi LT,
It is still 12 here.. get some sleep, nothing bad will happen again. The dogs will warn you if someone is in. Now you are safe, totally safe. Foster daddy can’t touch you again.
You are part of the world. You are not awkward or different. You have had a bad past and you need to heal. Don’t worry LT. Look at your progress, you have made it here. Even though you think you are not progresssing, but you do. Little by little, step by step.
I will pray for you. I think about you a lot, and I feel guilty for not writing so often. I will pray that you are safe, full, healed, and loved. You can sleep well tonight, I will ask God to send the angels protect you. You are safe.
And yes, green jello is really bad. It tastes chemical. I bought it once, and threw them right away. Even that food is not for pigs. Stay away from that food. Dont drink soda too much and puffy cheetos.
Hugs and kisses…
7.
Cookie | April 26, 2012 at 3:33 am
LT, I wish I could make things safe for you, so that you could feel comfortable and rest and sleep without worry. And yeah, that Daddies cartoon drawing thing is creepy and disturbs me too.
I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but you have come a long way. I’m thinking about you and I hope you can get some rest.
8.
kamamast | April 26, 2012 at 6:18 am
i’m sorry LT. it’s easy for me to see all the ways i’m different. it seems like most every day there are many reminders of how we are “outsiders” “different” i imagine it’s that way for you too? pls take care of yourself. i wish you had a mom to ask girly questions. i’ve never been able to ask about that stuff either and sometimes i wonder too.
i hope you can get some sleep and feel safe. wishing you peace, safety, and comfor t through this long night.
9.
Cheryl | April 26, 2012 at 8:08 am
Ride that ridiculous bike again LT or eat cheetos or sweets, i want you to be happy
10.
Foster Mom | April 26, 2012 at 10:14 am
Oh, LT, I’m sorry you struggled last night. I hope you were able to get some sleep. If you don’t want to wait until tomorrow then I’d be happy to answer your girly question. I hope today is a better day. (((hugs)))
11.
An Ordinary American | April 26, 2012 at 11:51 am
I remember some years after getting out of the military asking a guy at the VA hospital if the bad memories ever went away. “No,” he said, “you just have to learn how to make friends with them.”
Wasn’t easy and even now, thirty-plus years later, I battle insomnia–but I’ve accepted why, which is more than half the battle. The other half is understanding that only those folks who have experienced what I/you have can truly relate and understand.
Once you accept that you can’t change the past and that bitterness and anger only allow the evil that forged your past to claim more victories over you, you will begin to control your past rather than letting it control you.
I’ve been following your blog, writings and experiences for some time now, and I agree with the person who noted that you’re making some serious progress. YOU may not see it, or even feel it, but for those of us on the outside looking in, you’re moving steadily and consistently in the right direction.
You’ll get there because whether you realize it or not, you’re already on the way.
You’re a good person living in a not-so-good world–not the other way around.
Never forget that.
12.
Linka | April 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm
AOA-could not have said it better myself! He is so right, LT. This is a not-so-good world…and look how well you are managing it! Hang in there woman, you are well on your way to a better frame of mind and a better life. Blessings!
13.
Scooping it up | April 26, 2012 at 1:50 pm
I wanted to second this comment, just beautiful.
14.
Mary | April 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm
*Hug*
15.
TJ | April 26, 2012 at 1:38 pm
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLKMwkW3gqM&w=420&h=315%5D
16.
Linka | April 26, 2012 at 1:50 pm
I like this song TJ, am going to share with my kids…thanks for sharing the link.
17.
mamamama | April 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm
I am sorry. I hope you continue to heal a little at a time. Keep trucking.
18.
Ross | April 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm
xoxo
19.
Cheryl | April 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm
I am so sorry that you are hurting, LT. Healing can take a really long time…but I do believe it is possible. Wishing you peace…
20.
Krista | April 26, 2012 at 11:16 pm
I’m sorry it took me so long to comment, LT…it sucks that you weren’t having a good day. I hope today was better for you. Take good, gentle care of yyourself, okay? And snuggling up to Moonlight and Shadow will help too — they will keep you safe when you sleep.
21.
michelle v | April 27, 2012 at 12:03 am
thanks for the insights you deal with every day. good advocacy post. hugs.
♥ michelle
22.
Chris | April 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm
You’re awesome and a gifted writer. I’m about to accept a teenage foster kiddo who is on the path to be reunited with family, what an incredible post you wrote that helped keep me grounded. You write for yourself, I read for my kiddos. I really like the post where you listed your accomplishments.
If Einstein had lived your life, he could not have done any better. You are a genius and very accomplished.
Its easy to climb a tall mountain if you are already half up it and someone gives you equipment to do it; its much harder to climb the mountain if you start at the base with no equipment.
Don’t ever compare yourself to others, don’t let others compare themselves to you. your life journey is your own.
23.
Cesarea | April 29, 2012 at 6:00 am
It must be so hard to carry around such a weighty past. But you have an extraordinary strength to have survived it…
24.
Dinah | May 1, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Do not ever come to Oklahoma. We eat a lot of jello here.
25. We need more foster youth blogs! Here’s my humble contribution. | Life In + Beyond Foster Care | May 3, 2013 at 3:14 am
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