Today I was sitting on my futon watching Spongebob, trying to hide from the reality of my life.  Windows opened and covered in my thumb-sucking ribbon blanket, I faded in and out throughout the day… passing time waiting for the day to be over.

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Around 2:00 PM, my buzzer “buzzed” and I was knocked out of my slumber by the constant annoying sound of BUZZZZZZ.  I waited to see if it stopped and it did not.  I got up and went to my door, expecting a mistake or kids playing “ding, dong, ditch.”

ME:  “yeah?”

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

ME:  “yeah?”

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ME:  “what the fuck?  go away!!”

As I pushed the button to hear the response from downstairs…. I heard laughter.  Lots of stupid laughter…. and then:

KC:  “LOL.  Let me up grumpy!  LOL”

I stood there staring at the buzzer with the OMG expression realizing that the laughter at the other end of the annoying BUZZZZZZ was my friend KC.  What a way to annoy someone who is sitting on their ass feeling sorry for themselves.

ME:  “OMG KC…. you suck!”

I buzzed KC up and before I could wipe the OMG expression off my face, she was standing in front of me smiling.  I just shook my head and shuffled quickly back to my futon and covered myself, trying to hide…. as she headed towards my kitchen.

KC:  “LT, you have nothing to eat!  Just beer….I’m starving… “

ME:  “check the closet.  there is some cheetos in there i think  ….my god.  … did you just come over to eat cheetos, because im in a bad mood and im sleeping today.”

No response, but I heard KC open the door to the pantry closet and find my cheetos.  She grabbed the bag and a glass of water and came in the room.  Shadow was all excited and Moonlight was not.  Harbor went up above the cabinets with all the BUZZZING.

She flashed a cheetos smile at me and

KC:  “LT, get up.  You are being grumpy.  Let’s go look at bikes!  It’s awesome out and we could try them out… “

ME:  “no thanks.  im tired.”

KC:  “No, you’re grumpy.”

ME:  “you would be grumpy too if someone showed up at your place, buzzed the buzzer so much that the entire universe is now deaf, and ate your only bag of cheetos….. .  you dont need a bike anyway…”

KC:  “Yeah, im going get one and we can go riding.  I’m totally out of shape. … and your lazy ass is out of shape too because you have not been doing anything for months.  LOL.  Plus I am tired of paying to park at school, so I am going to park somewhere free and bike to class.”

ME:  “im really tired.  lets just watch cartoons.”

Before I knew it, I was getting in KC’s car and heading to some bike shop in another part of the city.  KC talked the entire way and I just listened.  I didn’t feel so great about this.  We got to the bike shop and KC jumped out of the car like a little kid about to head to a toy store.  I rolled my GRUMPY eyes and got out.  It was a big shop that carried both kids and adult bikes, mountain bikes and street bikes, funny bikes and normal bikes.  I didn’t feel so excited.

I followed KC and we headed towards the 2nd part of the store where adult bikes were located.  There were tons of bikes.  Honestly, I did not even have a clue what to do… normally I got my bikes “used” except for the last one, which my boss gave to me.  I was never in a shop with so many bikes to choose from.  So, I decided to look by color.  KC was talking to some sales person and I was walking around looking for green bikes.  Next thing I heard KC yelling “comon LT, let’s try one out.”  

She was standing in the aisle holding a blue hybrid bike.

I grabbed a green mountain bike and walked over to her.  The back of the shop had a big paved area that connected with a couple “not-so-busy” streets, that you could take the bikes for a test ride.  KC had to leave her driver’s license.  We took the bikes outside and KC hopped on and started riding around.  I watched her.  I didn’t really feel like riding.  ” LT, lets go around the block.”

I went to hop on the green mountain bike, but my body did not move.  I was frozen.   I started seeing flashes — a car coming at me, a car hitting my bike, the hospital, pee problems, wrist, my broken bike — and I felt surreal as I stared at the bike.

I couldn’t get on… I didn’t want to get on…

… maybe I don’t want a bike anymore… Let KC have one.

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Did you have your moments of fun, slummin’ with the shit,

Comon’ really. …there was never much more to it.

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Was it narcassitic to share all your success,

With one who is constantly living in distress?

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I guess I am the idiot for trying to belong,

In the world of “the normal,” fuck I was wrong.

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I guess it is humorous to laugh at my expense,

It must be funny to fuck with me, a person so dense.

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It’s exactly what I expect and what I am used to,

People realize I am shit, and bid me adieu.

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As we walked to the park, i passed several “FOR RENT” signs at which time i realized that “FOR RENT”  is perfect to describe kids in foster care.

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“FOR RENT” means you pay to stay

“FOR RENT” means something that is used temporarily

“FOR RENT” means its not yours, it belongs to someone else

“FOR RENT” = PAY TO STAY

Foster kids come with a check.  The state pays the foster parents for the kids to stay, just like in a rental situation, where you pay a landlord to stay in their place.   The money is supposed to be used for the child; for food, clothing, things that the child needs.  But, just like crappy landlords, who take your money and never use it to improve or fix your apartment…. there are crappy foster parents who never use the money for the child or who only use part of it for the child.   Just like bad landlords who make money by never fixing anything, there are bad foster parents who make money off foster kids, by packing their home with as many kids as possible and not using the money for the children, but using it for themselves.  It happens.  Many foster parents don’t make money; and the good ones probably spend money…..but the reality is the kids “pay to stay.”

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“FOR RENT” =  TEMPORARY

Many time foster parents want to adopt.  They are looking to give a “forever home” to some lucky child.  Sometimes parents “try out a child” before making the permanent commitment.  Sometimes they “rent” before they “buy.”  When I was in foster care, sometimes I was “rented” for a short time, like a couple weeks or a couple months….and sometimes I was “rented” for a long time….lots of months or a couple years.  Maybe I was being tried out, maybe I was always temporary.  But none of it was EVER permanent.  It was always a temporary place and a temporary situation.

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“FOR RENT” = NOT REALLY YOURS

My life is made up of places and families that were never really mine.  Something that is “FOR RENT” is never yours, it always belongs to someone else.  You can never do what you completely want to or feel 100% secure  or free in something that is “FOR RENT” because it is not yours.  Growing up in foster care, it was never my bedroom or my house or my yard.  It was never my special chair or my swingset or my tree.  NEVER my mom or my dad or my sister or grandma.   Nothing was ever really mine.  A rental is never yours either.

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These days, when you see “FOR RENT” signs, there are usually statements like “2 bedrooms,” “updated bath,” “big kitchen” on the sign– so what did my sign say?

Sometimes it must have said “problem, falling apart” and sometimes it must have said “good fuck” and sometimes it must have said “special needs” and sometimes it must have said “good slave potential” and sometimes it said “what the hell do we do with this..any takers?”

In the beginning I bet my sign said “small, but cute, needs work, potential is great!”  Maybe it was even a “For Sale” sign, hoping some family would “buy me!”

But, later, as I grew old in foster care, I bet my sign said “old, high needs, in major disrepair”... The reality is that few people would want to rent or buy something like that.

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When I got to the park with Moonlight,  I sat in the grass and thought about being “FOR RENT” for so long.  I often wonder if anyone ever wanted to take a chance on “buying me” and making me permanent.  I never got that feeling.  Maybe the messages on my “FOR RENT” signs were so overwhelming that they scared everyone away…. can a traumatized, scared blond kid be that frightening?  Or maybe the workers just stopped putting any signs out about me — never a “RENT TO OWN,” never a “DRASTICALLY REDUCED – FOR SALE” sign.  Maybe they just gave up…

…but for me, years of being rented, never gave me any permanency.

i went to dr. val completely hung over.  my eyes were crooked, my jeans were slipping off my ass, my hair was half standing up and i only had 1/2 bag of puffy cheetos left to share.  actually dr. val only eats like 1 or 2 anyway, so that part doesn’t matter.  she eats them like a bird… and i eat them like a kid.

i walked in late and it went like this:

DR. VAL:  “LT, you are looking mighty hung-over?  Was it worth it?”

ME:  ahhhh.  dunno.  ask me later.

DR. VAL:  “I guess my favorite word slipped your mind, yes?”

ME:  ahh…  feelings?

DR. VAL:  “Oh yeah, that’s one of my favorites too!”

ME:   um.  yeah i know.  joy.

DR. VAL:  “It starts with an “M” and has an “on” and is kind of long.”

ME:  oh yeah, montazoma’s revenge.  my stomach is ok this time.  thanks for asking Dr. Val.   i ate cheetos to absorb the beer  LOL

DR.VAL:  “Are we having bathroom conversation —–”

ME:  —– CRAP, i dont know.  im hungover….. give me a break.

DR. VAL:  “So what caused you to forget MODERATION last night?”

ME:  nothing.

DR.VAL:  “So, you just felt like getting really drunk?”

i sat there in my chair near the door, looking at the floor.  why do i come to therapy again? — was floating through my head.  i stood up, reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.  i slowly unfolded it as i sat down.

ME:  ….  like… because of this…

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i handed Dr. Val the paper…

DR. VAL:  “Oh… I see.  Is this a breakdown?”

ME: …yeah… i dont know who made it and thats just one part because it had all the medical bills … every fucking one. .. on it.  then Jessie,. …  well …. like she …. sat down and went over it with me….. to  like… show me… how the money .. i mean … how it worked…..  see the columns? ….”

DR. VAL:  “I see.  Very detailed.  That was nice of Jessie, yes?”

ME:  ….   yes i guess.  i mean…. it was nice.

DR. VAL:  “but?”

ME:  …..<pause> ….  Dr. Val…. her kids… KC and Page….  they are really smart.  …  in college … and like do really good.  … and i was going over like math. … and. … and… Jessie thought i was stupid. ….

DR. VAL:  “Jessie thought you were stupid?  Did she say that?”

ME:  … no, but she was thinkin’ it.  …  and then KC came in and was like “whats up?” ……and then Jessie was like “Going over the numbers with LT”  ….and KC was like “cool” … but…

…but… they were really thinking how fucking stupid i am because i cant multiply or balance numbers and….

DR. VAL:  “Woa…..hold on trooper.  I did not hear anyone say you were stupid.  In fact, it sounded like KC said “cool” and made NO negative judgement, what-so-ever.  Who is doing the judging?”

ME:  them.

DR. VAL:  “Really?”  I think you were FEELING stupid and were projecting.”

ME:  crap.

DR. VAL:  “Bathroom talk again? “

ME:  they think im stupid.  …..

DR. VAL:  “Well… nothing in the way they treat you tells me that they think you are stupid or any other words you want to call yourself.  Where is that message really coming from, LT?  

ME:  dunno.  them.

DR. VAL:  “I don’t think so.  Maybe in your past somewhere?  hm?  Instead of getting drunk and hurting yourself, what could you have done?”

ME:  dunno.

DR. VAL:  “When you are thinking or feeling that I hate you or think bad things about you, what do you do? “

ME: <mumble>… <mumble>  check it out…

DR. VAL:  “Louder so I can hear it!”

ME:  crap…..  i said check it out with them…… like … ask em. 

DR. VAL:  “Ask them LT.  The names you call yourself are coming from your past; because the people in your present don’t treat you like you are stupid or ugly or dumb or all the other things that you call yourself.  Next time, ask them.  I bet they would be thrilled to tell you how they feel….”

ME:  crap. … <pause>   …. the beer wasnt worth it.  it didnt make anything go away.

DR. VAL:  “Never does, huh?”

ME:  whatever Dr. Val.

i left my therapy appointment still tired, hungover, and with no more cheetos.  as i waited for the bus, i was thinking about how relationships are complicated when you are not used to having positive ones.  it’s like being a baby or a small child in an adult body…. when everyone else is ok with relationships but you are just learning.  or how its like battling again… battling demons that fill your thoughts and feelings with events from the past and its out of your control.

then i realized some sad truth… even if i asked Jessie and KC if they thought i was stupid, the reality is i would not have trusted their answer…

…because I’m still working on that too…

i am on miller #5

1-2-3-5                    then 6-7-9-11-12      BEeeEeeRrRrRr

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realized today are

the 4 noble truths of LT

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#1 – you cant fix stupid.  there are smart poeple and stupid people and im stupid

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#2 – if your used like dirty toilet paper, you need to be flushed, cause youll never be clean again

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#3 – shit stays shit ….and people hate smellie shit

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#4 – if you groe up without a family, you will always be looking in from the outside.  you will never truely belong

miller #6 is calling me…..

All this recent stress about money and the settlement from my bike accident got me thinking.  My knowledge and skills regarding money, credit, bills, taxes, spending, bank accounts, …. SUCK…. and this is a failure of the foster care system.  I aged-out of foster care at 18, still a sophomore in high-school, and not in an ILP.

Before you tell me “all foster kids are required to take life skills” — I say bullshit and READ THIS from 2010.  This is one state, but 67% of the oldest foster children HAD NOT completed a Life Skills course that would help them to live independently and qualify for financial assistance.  The majority of youth said they had never completed a life-skills program, which provides instruction in financial management, cooking, housekeeping and other living skills.  Representatives of NJ stated that there were not enough programs…”

Well that is just fabulous…. don’t you think?   Kick kids out with no home, no jobs, and no skills.  Guess what happens to them?

As this non-profit leader says HERE:  “We go from ‘you’re in foster care, where you may handle $10 a month’ to ‘you’re responsible for everything’”

I am not going to spend the rest of this blog giving you statistics… you can find them yourself on the web.  I am going to spend the rest of this blog giving you ideas how to help and examples from my life.

The system can’t seem to get it right, so foster parents, IT IS UP TO YOU!

Finance 101 – Things to focus on with foster children…

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I.  BANK ACCOUNTS

I never had a bank account in foster care.  Where I lived, anyone under 18 had to have a co-signer.  Some states allow foster youth to open a bank account themselves at age 16-17 if they take a financial awareness class and then get a Court Order allowing them to open an account.  What a pain in the ass!

All foster youth are supposed to get an allowance.  Many bad foster parents do not abide by this rule and they pocket the money for their greedy selves.  The allowance is the RIGHT of the foster child.  In some homes I never got an allowance and in other homes I was given the allowance (like $5-$20 per month), but I spent it on stuff; mostly on self-soothing things like food, cigarettes, a nickel or dime bag of weed, dr. pepper, candy… In fact I never remember my “money” being monitored.

** If you have an older child in your home, open a bank account with them and suggest that they put in $1-5 per month in it.  If the child leaves your home for another home, make sure you take them to get the money out.  Be honest and show the child that it is their money.  If the child ages-out of your home, the bank account will be there to do with as they wish (with alittle money!).  Also –

1)  It gives your foster child an idea how bank accounts work.  When I went to get my first bank account, I was confused.  I still am.  I had/have no idea what interest rate is or how it is calculated.  I had no idea that some banks charge money to open an account and some are free.  I had no idea that some banks had charges for some things and other banks did not.

2)  It gives your foster child a chance to practice balancing a budget and keeping track of expenses.  I still can’t do this successfully…

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II.  CREDIT CARDS

When my dog Moonlight was really sick and needed lots of vet care, I signed up for a card call “Care Credit.”  It was my life-savor, because I did not have the money to pay for her treatment.  The card claimed that if I pay the expenses by the due date (usually 6 months – 1 year), I would have to pay NO INTEREST.  Honestly, at the time, I did not even care, because I needed the card …but the truth is, I did not understand it.  Every month I have been paying the “minimum” that was required.  I thought that “minimum” meant that it would pay off my bills by the due date.  Well, 6 months after the first time I used it, I got a letter telling me I owed alot of money or all the interest would be added to my balance.  WHAT?  I was paying every month?

24.99% interest

What I did not understand or realize was that the “minimum” really meant nothing.  I needed to be paying more than the “minimum” to pay my bills by the due date.  I still don’t know what the “minimum” really means.  I still don’t understand the card or how it works.  I have NO CLUE what I am paying… All I know is that I went from NO interest to 24.99%, even though I paid the “minimum.”

Talk to your foster children about credit cards.  How dangerous they are and how almost dishonest they are because they hide behind pages of information that is written so small, no-body can read it and people like me, can’t understand it.  Explain interest!  How it can take forever to pay off high-interest debt and how interest is calculated (I still need to learn that).  When foster youth age-out, they are going to have enough problems, help prevent them from drowning in debt too.

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III. PAYING BILLS

Paying bills is part of life, but if you are not familiar with it, it can be overwhelming.  FP, when you pay your bills, let your foster children watch and discuss which ones are monthly, which ones are 2 times a year, etc.  Honestly, when I moved to my current state, it was the first time I have been responsible for all kinds of bills and I still mess up alot.  I forget to pay them, like my phone bill.  I don’t use the phone that much, so it is not something that is always on my mind.  When they are all due on different dates, sometimes I forget ….and then fuck, one is late and I owe more.

Dr. Val recently came up with a really good tool to help me and I am going to pass it on to you to share with your foster children.  She gave me a calendar with pictures of the ocean, to hang where I am most likely going to drop my mail or open it.  She choose oceans because she said since I liked oceans, I would look at the calendar.  Smart Dr. Val!  I have a tendency to drop my mail on the counter in the kitchen by the frig and forget about it.  So I hung the calendar on the frig.  When I open the mail, I am supposed to mark that day on the calendar and then with a star or some other symbol, mark the due date on the calendar.  She even gave me some different color pens, so that I can choose a color for each bill.

It may seem idiotic to many of you, but with all the chaos in my life and not being financially savvy, tools like this help.

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IV.  SERVICES AVAILABLE

Foster kids that age-out are deserving of and are eligible for some services.  I don’t know all of them because I personally don’t wish to be “indebted to the system” anymore.  After I was released from the mental hospital, I did agree to the housing voucher program, because I simply could not pay my bills.  But I feel badly about it and try to keep myself away from “system” people.  Many foster youth feel like I do, but when predictiments happen, it is important that young adults are aware of where they can get help.

Make sure your foster child knows about housing services, food services, job services, WIC, legal services, and even money for education.  Aged-out kids tend to get in situations where help is needed; starving, pregnant, injured, homeless, etc.  Knowing about the services gives them a place to start.  For example, JobCorps helps kids get a GED and a job.  Maybe I could have gone to JobCorps instead of being homelessness.  A reader of my blog told me that because I am still young, I may be eligible for tuition and stuff to attend college or community college.  I think it is only good for the state I was in foster care, but still I NEVER knew that when I aged-out.  It did not apply to me, because I didn’t graduate high-school, but crap, someone should have told me stuff like this.

I know that you are probably overwhelmed with your current foster child’s needs; taking them to therapy, taking them to court dates, behavioral issues, school issues, medical issues, yadda, yadda, yadda….  but being a “parent” means making sure your kids have the skills and knowledge to survive as adults.  Knowledge and understanding about money is part of navigating adulthood successfully.

When I was growing up, no-one cared about helping me navigate through the financial waters, so I have been drowning.  I simply have very little understanding of financial issues.  My friend’s mom, Jessie, is throwing me the life preserver by helping me deal with the money issues surrounding my settlement.

It shouldn’t be that way….

I walked to work today to use the phone, because my phone is still disconnected and I needed to call my vet.  Last week, my dog, Moonlight, went to the vet because she has a lump on her side.  The vet took some liquid out of the lump with a syringe and sent it to the lab.  She told me it would take 7-10 days for the results.  I arrived at work and I called, but my vet was in a room with another patient.  The vet tech said she would call me back shortly since she was almost done.

I waited in fear and sadness, hoping that Moonlight would be ok.  The phone rang and I picked it up…

ME:  “hello?”

VET:  “LT?”

ME:  “hi, Dr K, it’s me. “

VET:  “Hi LT.  How’s Moonlight?  … I tried calling you a couple of times, but your phone is disconnected…”

ME:  “yeah, sorry… i know.  i gotta fix that.  … sorry..  did the test come back?”

VET:  “Yes, the needle aspirate results came back and its good news.  Moonlight has a fatty tumor…”

ME:  “……is that cancer?”

VET:  “No.  It is a benign tumor, not cancer.  Many geriatric dogs get them.  We need to watch it, but we will leave it alone for now.  You know it is a big risk to put Moonlight under because of all her condition and all the medications she takes, so we will just let it be.  If it gets bigger or starts to bother her, we might have to take another look.”

ME:  “.. so its not cancer.. right?”

VET:  “Right.”

ME:  “whew, im really glad.  thanks.”

VET:  “I’m glad too.  Call if you have any questions.”

ME:  “thanks for your help.  bye.”

We hung up and I left  to go home and take a nap; this week has been over-the-top.  As I was walking, I felt overwhelmed with questions… Why is it  a tumor but not cancer?  Why does Moonlight have a fatty tumor… she is not fat at all?  Why does she keep getting these weird things?  Why does all this stuff happen to her?

Then I felt overwhelmed with feelings as I recalled that my vet referred to Moonlight as “geriatric.”  I know why she does that, I do… but it hurts.  My settlement will provide money that will let me care for her without worrying now… but…

All the money in the world can’t make Moonlight any younger.

All the money in the world can’t make Moonlight be with me forever.

All the money in the world can’t stop my dog from getting old and dying.

…  and …

All the money in the world can’t make me live without her…

Tagged: aged-out foster kids, alone, death, dog, Foster Care, foster child, foster kid, sick dog, suicide ]]> http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/fatty-tumor/feed/ 28 looneytunes09 alask My_Vet_2 http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/non-deserving/ http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/non-deserving/#comments Fri, 20 Jan 2012 05:09:22 +0000 LooneyTunes http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/?p=20893 ]]>

I just kept sitting there in the law office.  I could feel Jessie and my lawyer staring at me, even though I was staring at the floor.  I was still spinning and my head felt very clogged.  My head was so crowded that I could not make out one thought.  I felt very surreal.  I couldn’t feel my body except for the power of my slowly blinking eyes as I stared at the floor.

Jessie lightly touched my hand and said something like “LT, why don’t we go get something to eat and drink and talk for awhile.”  I looked up.  They were smiling, I was sweating.  Jessie got up and hugged my lawyer… they were acquaitnesses before, so that was a normal.  She told him that we would call back.  I was still sitting.  I almost couldn’t move.  She knelt down and said “Comon kiddo, lets get out of here.”  I shook my head and stood up.  Nothing more.  The walk to the car and the ride to the restaurant were silent.  I was struggling with my feelings.  No words could come, but I knew what I was feeling…

I felt BAD.

I felt BAD because I did not feel I deserved a break.  I felt BAD because I did not feel like I deserved “happiness.”  I felt BAD because I was about to get more money than my biofamily probably ever had.  I felt BAD because was I being bought? … like a whore?   I felt BAD because I can barely manage the small amount of money I live on, let alone now this.  I felt BAD because nothing “good” is supposed to happen to me, because I am a piece of shit…   I felt BAD because  … because I am a BAD person and I don’t deserve GOOD.

We got to the restaurant and I just followed Jessie in.  I wasnt hungry and I wasnt thirsty… I was BAD.  We sat down and Jessie ordered an ice tea unsweetened for her and a large dr. pepper for me.

JESSIE:  “Overwhelming, huh?”

ME:

JESSIE:  “LT, do you what to tell me what’s on your mind?  I thought maybe you might be happy with the settlement offer.  What’s up?“

ME:  “ahh.  um.  <pause>  i just…. just .. i mean the settlement is good… i  … guess.”

JESSIE:  “You guess?  Were you thinking more?”

ME:  “oh no.  i…. didnt even think that much.  i didnt even realize how much it was.  <pause> .. its not the money… i mean its the money… its….”

JESSIE:  “Oh, I see.”

I swirled my straw in my dr. pepper and watched the ice hit the side of the glass.

ME:  “i…. i … feel kinda… scared.  i mean, its lots of money.  i cant even keep my money and bills straight now… ..  what do i do with that money? “

JESSIE:  “LT, we can work it out.  Once all the medical bills are paid, we will take the remaining money and figure out what to do.  The lawyer’s office could arrange it or we could.  KC’s dad and I do not want to intrude if you do not want us involved, but if you do, we will help.  What do you do with the money?  LT, it makes life a little easier for you.  For example, instead of working 60-70 hours a week, maybe you work 30 hours and take a class at community college, an art class, or adult night school.  You have money if you need food, money if you want to buy something special for yourself, go to the movies… do things that young people do… see?  Some goes into savings, and maybe some into a pet account for Moonlight, Shadow, and Harbor.  See?”  

ME:  ” Jessie?”

JESSIE:  “Yes LT?”

ME: “…. well… and. ….

JESSIE:  “Yes?”

ME:  “… and … <pause> … i feel really bad too.  i dont think i should get that money…. “

JESSIE:  “Oh, I see.  Why do you think that LT?”

ME:  “…dunno really.  um….  maybe i dont deserve anything good? …. i just feel really bad… thats why i was quiet … i mean, im supposed to be happy, but im not.”

JESSIE:  “LT… look at me.  You DESERVE lots and lots of good things.  You DESERVE good things in your life.  Maybe even more than most people do.  There is a backlog of good things you need to cash in on.  This settlement is a start.  You deserve this money because someone hurt you.  Someone hurt you.  Money doesn’t fix everything or take away the experience, but it might help you have an easier life for a little.  You deserve that, don’t you think?”

ME:  “…… …… i dont know.   i really dont know….”

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Last friday, i went to see my lawyer with Jessie (my friend KC’s mom).  You see, on April 18, 2011, I was riding my bike and was hit by a car.  I got hurt, with multiple injuries.  Besides cuts and scrapes, mainly:

1.  I had a vulvar hematoma and couldnt pee.  At the hospital after having an A/P CT scan, the doctors did a full exam of “down there,”  and then the doctors had to catheterize me.  This injury caused a shitload of pain and I was downing percocets daily (coming from someone with a high pain tolerance!)  The dam catheter was in until April 28th, but the doctor did not clear me until June 18th, after the hematoma subsided.

2. I broke my distal radius.  At first I was put in a long arm cast on April 22nd after the swelling got reduced.  My wrist was not healing and it was unstable. I forget the term to describe the break… but I had surgery on my wrist and a Wristjack was attached on May 18th.  The Wristjack sucked.  I got out of the hospital on May 20th.  The Wristjack was on my arm until July 29th.  I couldnt move most of my fingers or my wrist.  I had PT from August until November.  I have exercises I am supposed to do for a year, because my wrist will still heal the doctor said.  I am expected to have some pain with my wrist for up to 2 years when doing “heavy” activity and I may have aches and stiffness for the rest of my life.

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I stopped looking at the medical bills coming in, because I was freaking out.  My ER visit, level 4 was $1715 and that did not include medications, supplies, lab tests, scans, or doctors.  Honestly, I don’t know what it included.   My A/P CT scan with contrast was $4386…  wrist views $545 … room and board when I had wrist surgery was $1524 per day!…. the operating room  and anesthesia was billed for the first 30 minutes and then every 15 minutes!!!  Physician fees, medications, supplies, outpatient visits, PT….

See?  Insane.

So, in my state, the injuries I got are considered “severe” and my medical expenses are above some quota.  I didnt really understand everything that was being said, because I dont drive, I dont have insurance of any kind, and I never had money in my life.  But what it means is that because of the severity of my injuries and high medical expenses, my lawyer can file a personal injury claim for damages.

As my lawyer was explaining things, I was trying to understand.  This is how I heard things…..  Medical expenses, negotiated expenses…. transportation costs….. bike replacement …. other property damage …. work ….. pain and suffering.   Your past and the impact of your injury … flashbacks,  doctors reports.   Nightmares, hospital reports … depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, fear increased , Dr. Val notes.  Driver tried to evade blame … witness reports. … lifestyle altered dramatically … statement from my boss that i could not work with the Wristjack because of my job duties….

OMG.  I never realized a lawyer did so much.  He had all kinds of papers, reports, communication notes.  He kept talking and trying to show me papers.  Medical expenses were itemized… did he take all those bills from my trash bag?  Schedules from my boss that showed my “typical” work ….what?  Written documentation from Dr. Val.. what?  Jessie was listening and I was losing track.  It seemed to become so complicated. My head was spinning… “I just want a new bike” I kept thinking….

I heard “after presenting the demand, and getting a response, and presenting another demand …. how does x hundred xx sound to settle?”  I suddenly felt a wave of depression.   x hundred is barely enough to pay for a new bike… What about all the money I owe Jessie?  What about all those medical bills… thousands and thousands and tens of thousands of dollars?  I looked at Jessie and then at my lawyer and said “you mean i won xxx… ah..  x hundred xx?”

After that came out of my mouth, I felt REALLY stupid, as I saw Jessie glance at my lawyer.  She looked at me, as I was rubbing my hands through my messy hair… “LT, its ok.  Not x hundred xx, x hundred xx thousand.  Do you understand?”  I just looked at her.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  See, I understand “hundred” because I make a couple hundred dollars  a week when I work.  I understand “thousands” because I make like $15,000 a year when I work.  Was she talking hundreds or thousands or ????

I just sat there.

Jessie then took a piece of paper and wrote something on it.  I just sat there.  She moved close to me and this is  what was on the paper:

x00 = x hundred

x000  = x thousand

x0,000 = x0 thousand

x00,000 = x hundred thousand

She watched me looking stupid at the paper.

“LT, that money will pay all your medical bills, which have been reduced by 45% from the original total; as well as some for future bills …  plus 8 months compensation from lost work, transportation expenses like the bus or cabs, other damages like your sweatshirts that had to be cut up for the wristjack, and your jeans that were ripped at the accident, a new bike, and some extra for pain and suffering.  He can show you how he figured that amount out.  The law firm will also take 30%.  The settlement is based on your total medical expenses, not the negotiated reduced expenses.  You will get an accounting statement that will show everything.”

I just sat there.  I was still not exactly getting it.  That was alot to listen to…

My lawyer said something like “I believe it is a generous settlement.  A jury might award you some more, because your life will pull at heartstrings, and your injuries clearly cause physical and emotional pain and suffering, but honestly I am not sure it will be worth it … for you.”  He smiled at me.

I just sat there… confused … overwhelmed … excited … and unbelievably  scared

i go to my lawyer with KC’s mom, Jessie, later this afternoon.  i don’t know why i am going because i didnt directly talk with my lawyer.   i forgot to pay the phone bill i think, so my phone is disconnected again.  i cant remember how many months i forgot and i cant find the paper bills.  sucks.   sometimes i forget the other bills, but the phone is the worst.

in april 2011, i was on my bike and a car hit me.  i had some injuries including a broken wrist, which eventually needed surgery and stabilization with the wristjack and an injury to the female area and i couldnt pee.  it sucked. (READ HERE and READ HERE and READ HERE for examples)

my bike was wrecked.  that bike was the nicest material thing i ever owned in my whole life.  my boss and his wife gave it to me.  i dont own a car and the bus gets expensive, so i bike all over the place.  remember that time that “a part” stole it and left it in a park… and i was freaked out.  i hope the lawyer wins so i can get a nice bike.  they are like a couple hundred i think.  i used to get them used for like $25, but the one that got wrecked was MINE.

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also, i have TONS and TONS of medical bills.  i have no health insurance.  the bills come and i just put them in a trash bag.  sometimes i dont even open them, just throw them in the bag..  i cant pay for all that and they dont wait for the legal stuff.  they want their money.  plus i have bills from the thyroid problem, being sick, and the times i have been in the mental hospital since i moved here.  i am on payment plans for those.

i said i wanted some clothes because i had to rip my sleeves because at first i had a long cast on my arm and then the wristjack.  but jessie took me clothes shopping, so maybe i dont need anymore.  although my pants are falling down… maybe a belt.

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i have to pay jessie and mark back because when i couldnt work, they loaned me the money.  the paper with all the totals is on their refrigerator.   i think the lawyer should win that too because if i didnt have a wristjack, i could have worked.  if he doesnt win that, i have NO idea how i am ever going to pay them… its been months!

so, i am terrible with money so its good jessie is going.  also i get nervous around lawyers because of life in foster care.  maybe its just a check in meeting.  who knows?

… probably with my crappy luck, i will be the one found guilty…