Helpful Tips For Foster Parents and Trainers
I have compiled the blog entries that people have asked to use in foster parent training classes below. There are some with helpful hints and some that share the perspective of the child. Click on the title to read the entry.
Hints for a child’s first day in new foster home
Top 5 stupid question to ask someone who grew up in foster care
Foster kids do not belong in taxi’s — drive them!
Think before you use trashbags
What it feels like to be a damaged kid
Difference between foster kids and “normal kids”
Foster kids are alot like butterflies…
Foster kids are alot like holiday presents…
Smurfs are alot like foster kids…
One of the best foster families I had – The Hippies
Fucked up rules of foster care – Share yours!
1.
Crumble | March 26, 2011 at 9:57 pm
LT,
What a great idea! I am so thrilled that you did this! I think you will be helping a lot of people/children!!!
Thank you for sharing your life, so that people can learn how to better address the needs of children in care.
2.
bethanylest | March 27, 2011 at 1:05 am
I agree with Crumble. Great idea for putting these where people can easily find them. They are so valuable and filled with some really good ideas. You are an amazing resource. Thank you.
3.
hazy55 | March 27, 2011 at 9:26 pm
Thanks for organizing these. What an excellent resource. I love that you share both good and bad in your writings.
4.
Christie | April 6, 2011 at 1:02 pm
YOU ARE AMAZING! I have forwarded your blog to MANY of my friends and family. I think you should REALLY consider speaking to training classes and at conferences!
5.
Terry | April 6, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Your fantastic!!!! I was raised in foster care myself so I know where you are coming from. I am now a foster mom to a 16 year old and I have adopted 3 little boys. The way you talk about punishment is how I do mine. Instead of time out, I do the time in with mom punishment. Either we read, clean up there room, laundry or what ever but it has to be with myself or my husband. It really does work. I have adopted 3 little boys and they are such a blessing.
Your such a blessing thanks for sharing.
6.
Stephanie | April 7, 2011 at 1:13 pm
how about kids in foster care arent’ allowed to spend the night with friends… or even family…
I get that the kids need to be protected, but what if I have a bio child that is gonna spend the night with “aunt suzy” and her 3 children. I know and trust aunt suzy, and my child who is in foster care isn’t allowed to go??? what about if suzy’s kids have a slumber party, nope.. little johnny can’t go… or what if my bio’s are “spending the night with gramma”, little johnny has to stay home!!! this is stupid!!!
7.
Stephanie | April 7, 2011 at 1:14 pm
ps my last was about the blog on stupid rules….
8.
Great Links for Foster Parents « Beautiful Chicken | April 9, 2011 at 3:25 pm
[...] http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/helpful-tips-for-foster-parents-and-trainers/ My girlfriend posted this and I thoguht it was super cool and I woudl share. [...]
9.
Amah | April 14, 2011 at 9:36 am
LT,
My husband and I have been foster parents for several years and your posts has opened my eyes (and my heartstrings) to many of the feelings that must go thru our little ones. The majority of our littles have returned home to bios, a few to relatives, and a few less went on to adoption by younger families.
Your story is so sad – I will never, never understand the what’s or why’s – nor do I need to – I can, however, pray that the writing is cathartic for you as well as it being the voice of so many other children that aren’t able.
You are a very talented writer – and pastry chef (I’m sure). I pray that the rest of your life is much, much better than the raw deal that you’ve had so far.
10.
JoanP | April 15, 2011 at 9:13 am
LT, I am so glad you set up this page! I had bookmarked several of your articles, but this is much better and easier to access. I wonder if you have any idea of the number of people you have helped be better foster parents already, and therefore, the number of little children you have helped have a better, more sensitive home. I know you struggle constantly, but I am so pulling for you to make it and come through victorious; I think your future is going to be amazing–one day you will look back and say, “I never could have imagined then that things would be this good.”
11.
Sarah | May 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Thank you. I have two little foster kids that I wasn’t expecting. I was to be considered an emergency placement only. The little boy (who is 3 1/2) looked at me after he did something and asked if that meant that he had to go now. After that I just couldn’t let them go. I love these two and know that it is the right choice for them to be in my life but have always wondered if I am good enough to be their parent. I will be checking your site a lot – even just for reminders. You have brought tears to my eyes and I don’t think that was your goal. I just want you to know how much what you have said honestly means to me. The kids came to us with their stuff in boxes that were falling apart. I can tell you, no matter what my financial situation at any given point, they WILL NOT leave my home that way. Actually, I am half temped to do some sort of a drive for my local CPS to get these types of items so that social workers make that stupid mistake less often. That’s just one of many things that stuck in my head. I will give both of my little ones an extra hug tonight and tell them how seeing them is the best part of my day.
12.
sneaux | June 6, 2011 at 4:29 pm
LT, I just found your blog today and plan to jump back to the beginning and read it all. My husband and I started the process of adopting through our state’s foster care system in January 2009. We finally got to bring home our son this April and can’t wait for the adoption to be finalized this fall.
Thank you for your blog . . . . for advocating to change the system, for giving foster parents perspective from the child’s side. You candidly sharing your feelings and experiences is so helpful to me in parenting him. And about “the system”, well from the hopeful adoptive parents’ vantage point, it is one heck of an emotional roller-coaster. One that, I won’t lie, we sure thought of getting off of several times before we finally got a placement. All of that is worth it now, but unlike the children, we were there by our own choice.
I can tell from what I’ve read so far that you are a wonderful person, I suspect much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are on this Earth for a reason, and I predict you will do great things in your life to help others.
Sending you all my best wishes,
P’s Mommy
13.
Kim Stevens | June 13, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Hi LT,
I have been reading your blog with great interest, humility and awe. You have a lot to say and the courage to do so. I manage an advocacy program for the North American Council on Adoptable Children called Community Champions Network. The focus is to help parents and youth partner with providers in communities (now 18) across the US and Canada to create, expand, and sustain post adoption support services. Our work intersects with the foster care system quite a bit as you can imagine, and one of the most important things we do is to share resources with hundreds of partners across the two countries.
Your Helpful Tips section contains a wealth of good advice – advice I often share, but with your expert voice, I know it would be even more heeded by my constituents. I would like to cite some of your writings and send our coalition members to your blog, with your permission.
Keep working and keep your head up, your eyes on your goals. You are quite a woman.
14.
LooneyTunes | June 15, 2011 at 11:45 pm
hi Kim.
feel free to use whatever you want. i am happy to have people use it to help people involved in or with the foster system.
the only thing i generally ask is that you note my blog somewhere.
let me know if you have any questions..
thanks.
15.
Kim Stevens | June 17, 2011 at 5:22 pm
Wonderful. Thank you for your generosity. I am sending a link to the blog and the helpful hints in our e-blast on Monday and will use much of the tips material in educating parents and professionals. I also invite you to check out Community Champions Network and provide input on any and all.
Warm regards, Kim
16.
Missy | August 17, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Thank you for your blog. I am a foster parent and sometimes just want to kick people when they make silly assumptions about children in care. I wish there was more mass media about the reality of care instead of all these stupid rainbow stories on TLC.
People think it’s messed up that I’m trying to support a relationship between himself and his bio parents (who are going to have their rights terminated.) They also assume that he should act “grateful.” They act shocked when I say that he is allowed to have appropriate development and relationships just like every other child out there.
So many times I’ve hit my forehead and said, “Don’t they THINK about things from his point of view?” No, of course they don’t. Because they’ve seen movies that are written by some stupid writer’s point of view who once spoke five minutes to a foster parent. So thank you, thank you, thank you for putting your point of view out there.
17.
Joanne Smith | February 4, 2012 at 8:42 pm
LT, Hi, I hope things are looking up for you in the New Year. I am studying to be a social worker (in Australia), and the lecturer asked us to research the experiences of young people in foster care. I found your blog, which was pure gold, and just wanted to thank you so much for sharing your experiences and helping other people. Is it OK if I use your tips for foster carers in my assignment, and refer to your blog?
18.
Tee | March 7, 2012 at 11:56 am
We are in the process of adopting an 11 year old boy from foster care. I have read so many books on how foster kids think and how as parents we should be toward them but reading and living it are two different things. It is extremely hard. My son has ADHD and has been sexually abused. The sexual abuse doesn’t seem to be a problem but the forgetting everything is. I take him to all his medication appointments, therapy appointments, sports, etc. and am exhausted. I find myself mad and frustrated all the time. He will lie or steal and it is so hard to find the sense of humor in this and not get mad. He really is a great kid, but when he does or says stupid things I find myself wanting to explode. We have two girls that are older and we have never had a boy so I never know if what he does is a boy thing, ADHD thing, or a foster kid thing. I have wanted to adopt for years and read and read so I felt knowlegable on what these kids have been through. Living it 24/7 is a different story. Counseling is worthless. Yes, worthless. It is not helping!! He does not deserve us. He deserves a family much more patient and understanding. I pray everyday for God to help me love this boy the way he needs to be loved. Right now though my daughter (the other one is out on her own) and husband and I are mad and stressed. I know our son is too. He has been with us 9 months now. The social worker is wanting us to move toward adoption finalization but we are not ready so are postponing it. Are we going through Adoption Anxiety?? This is normal right? It does get better after we adopt him right??? Help!!!!
19.
LooneyTunes | March 8, 2012 at 8:37 pm
It is hard. It is a commitment. It is exhausting. It is NOT like parenting bio-children. Getting mad and frustrated is not really going to help. You need to find other ways to deal with his “behaviors” instead of getting mad. Most likely that is what he wants or is used to…people being mad at him. I don’t know his background or how long he was in foster care, but you are missing the impact of the abuse. Lying, stealing, acting out, can be due to abuse.
You are parenting someone who may need years of catch-up parenting. His life before was not “normal”… how can you expect it to me normal in 9 months, when he just met you?
If counseling is worthless, find another therapist. Wouldn’t you do that with any type of helper? Doctor, dentist?
It is NOT worthless if you have the right therapist who understands “hurt children.”
I think your intentions were good but your realistic understanding of “hurt children” is missing. Hurt children do these things.
When I read this, I read that you want to get rid of him. He feels this.
20.
thefosteringlove | March 25, 2012 at 2:27 am
Adopting doesn’t “fix” things… no it will not necessarily get better after adopting. It’s not going to be any different for him once a paper is signed and his name is changed. And I speak from experience… my son is 4 and was adopted a year ago and things are still tough. I realized one day that I was trying to change a lifetime for him– change him to what I wanted and what I thought was “right” and “normal”… his “normal” isn’t my normal… his normal is overwheming, confusing, difficult and uncomfortable. My son was exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero, then taken from me after 13 months (I was fostering him) and placed with family members who neglected him, beat him, starved him and exposed him to dangerous, inappropriate situations. He came back a completely different child after 10 months away from us. And now after 2 years being back… those 10 months haven’t gone away… and they may never go away. Fear and stress CHANGES the brain- cortisole is released with fear and stress and at high enough levels for long periods of time can actually damage area of the brain– and what parts does it damage?– impulse control, rationality,verbal cues, emotional cues… everything that makes a child really hard to deal with!! But it is not because HE is doing it… and even if he IS intentionally doing these things, could I really blame him?.. he has seen things and been exposed to things most adults in their entire lives haven’t. These children are survivors and will get what they need and want however they can– because at some time in their lives they have had to! I suggest you find a neurosensory doctor– it has been the best thing for our family… being able to understand more of what my son is actually going through- how his brain is processing things, what the hormones in his body are affecting.
It is SO hard… and none of the fostering classes are ever going to be enough to really shed light on the TRUE issues of fostering hurting children. The other WONDERFUL resource we have been so blessed with is Empowered to Connect. Dr. Karen Purvis is an amazing woman with a heart and knowledge for parenting hurting children…. check it out because when I am ready to throw my hands up from the 50th rage in a day or because I have been spit at 100 times or run from because I asked him to pick up his toys… I go to their website and get a good reality check and breather. I have found if I can change MY attitude, our days go much better– even if his behavior is exatly the same as it was before. Good luck to you guys.
21.
cobi eernisse | March 24, 2012 at 11:46 pm
as a soon to be the grandma of a foster child, i appreciate this wonderful blog! So much i didn’t know/understand. I consider my soon to be foster child a gift! Thank you for sharing.
22.
perpetualgod | May 10, 2012 at 11:38 pm
Lt – Stopped by from Rich Faith Rising. Am so blown away and blessed by your blog! The courage it must have taken you to write it! From a foster mom who recently took in my 1st older child, an 11 yr old, I am learning so much! Thank you for the resources. Thank you for the truth. Thank you for the boldness to share….from your own unique perspective. Your words shatter the steel ceiling of the system and give other foster children a chance at adoption. Thank you! Many prayers, my friend. ~ jen
23. Foster Parenting: What to do the day the kid(s) arrive « myMCMlife.com | May 24, 2012 at 10:03 am
[...] blogs. This one, I Was a Foster Kid, is raw and difficult to read at times, but so insightful. LT has a whole list of posts that are geared towards foster parents and things we can do better. I found these Top 10 Things to Make a Foster Child’s First Day [...]