Questions
Please feel free to ask questions here. Sometimes I get questions in comments and I forget that they are there. I do very limited email, so I hope this will be a good solution. — Peace.
124 Comments Add your own
Leave a Reply
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed
1.
Becca | April 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Hi LT,
I don’t know if I really have a question or not, just some personal experience from the other side of the foster/adoption process. See, my husband and I are trying to adopt an older female from the foster care system. We have been approved for over a year now with no luck. We have been matched once, but then a family member came forward. We have made numerous inquiries on kids from all over the country. We have sent our home study out to numerous caseworkers. I have “worked the system” as best as I know how. I just don’t understand why/how we haven’t been matched yet, since there are so many kids who need homes. I seem to hear this story over and over from others too. Seems like they could find homes for all the children if they just had a better system in place for matching families with kids. Thanks for listening and good luck with finding an apartment.
2.
LooneyTunes | May 5, 2011 at 12:19 am
hi becca,
i realize this is awhile coming, but i just realized i had this section with posts in it!
i think this is a terrible problem. there used to be another women who read my blog and was trying desparately to adopt from foster care. passed everything and waited, waited, waited. finally gave up and adopted internationally.
i think the there are several issues going on here… the main one is that after a certain age, you become “forgotten” or after a certain length of time in the system you become “forgotten”
its like the new kids come in and the old ones keep fading in the distance… if that makes sense.
the other thing is that workers are simply overburdened and there are not enough of them to keep track of what is needed. its like they can barely keep up with the kids coming in or reuniting, etc.
…have you thought of contacting the Dave Thomas foundation? i dont know if they can help you personally, but i know they fund specifically peoeple who look for adoptive homes for foster kids (like that is there job). maybe they can point you in a direction where you can get some satisifcation..
good luck. thanks for your question/comment.
3.
Becca | May 5, 2011 at 9:33 pm
Thanks for the response LT. I know you’ve been busy lately. I have never contacted the Dave Thomas foundation, but will certainly look into it. Any tip/suggestion is worth following up on. We have registered our information at a couple of state and national web sites that feature foster kids available for adoption, so maybe that will help too.
I never knew it would be this hard to get matched! Unfortunately I know of other people who are approved to adopt from foster care who just gave up on the search because it was too emotionally draining. I’ve given up about 1000 times too, but only for a minute. Then I think about the child who is out there somewhere waiting, and I know I can’t give up. You gave me a new perspective too because I never thought about the kids getting forgotten and fading into the distance. Unfortunately I can see that happening. I have, however, imagined our home study in the back of a file cabinet forgotten about.
Anyway, I could talk about this forever because it is something I am very passionate about. Thanks for all the tips for foster parents, and thanks for all you are doing to help improve the system. Oh, and speaking of overworked caseworkers—our family worker has nearly 200 families on her caseload.
Thanks again for the response, and peace to you LT.
4.
Claudia | July 10, 2011 at 10:17 am
Becca — Have you tried the Adopt America Network? I am a specialist for them and have helped match over 500 kids in the past 8 years. We would love to help. check out http://www.3rdegreeparenting.com and you can find my email there.
5.
Becca | July 28, 2011 at 12:30 am
I just realized this was here. Thanks Claudia, I will check it out.
6.
Angela | April 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm
LT – Thank you so much for this blog. I just came across it today, but its EXACTLY the kind of truth I needed to hear. Sometimes I can be too optimistic about what the expirence will be like and it’s good to get rgounded in the “fight” again for these kids.
My husband and I will be liscensed any day now and ready to take in our first foster placement (birth – 5). Do you have any advice for the best way to handle those first few days? I don’t want to overwhelm the little ones, but I want them to feel safe. I’m more concerned with the toddler + ages children we may be placed with. Any advice would be great. Thank you!
7.
LooneyTunes | May 5, 2011 at 12:28 am
hi angela,
sorry for the late response. i just realized this section had posts in it..!
ready for simple stuff. might be stupid, but…
1. smile
2. greet them at their level .. ie dont stand above the child
3. have a couple stuffed animals/stuffed toys and let the children choose one that is totally theirs. it helps with fears. even when i was older it helped me. something to hang onto, squeeze, etc.
4. remember not to be too forceful about rules in the beginning. they may have had bad experiences, so like a bath..let them take one with shorts on if they seem scared.
5. do things that engage the kids. color with them, decorate cupcakes, so they get to watch you and see you respond.
6. if they are old enough to recoginze pictures and things, make a lifebook with them and talk about the stuff you put in it. (from the first time they came through their stay)
things a “good mom” would do. you’ll be great. thanks for being a foster parent.
peace.
8.
Sam Dog | April 27, 2011 at 1:00 am
LT
I came across your site last night. You are obviously very bright, articulate, and creative… Your stories are so compelling and enlightening.
Being a young adult is difficult enough, but I can’t imagine trying to “make it” on your own without any real support system or family.
If I am able to find some organizations that might be able to provide you with some support systems, would you be interested in their information? We have a really good grass roots organization here. One of their missions is to help older kids find homes. I’m just wondering if they would either be able to help you with a support system to help you with life and the crap that happens in life. Or give you some information on organizations in your area (or national) that might be a good resource for you.
I don’t want to contact them if your not interested…
BTW – Thanks for sharing your stories… My partner and I just finished the foster care licensing process. Your website is very helpful & insightful as we begin on this journey. You also reinforce some of the things my partner and I have talked about. Like making sure kids have life opportunities (I didn’t realize how important this was) that other kids have… sports, hobbies, camps, etc. Allowing the kid personalize their room – we planned on that, but again didn’t realize the possible significance to the child.
Hang in there as your arm heals! Hang in there period…. You are making a real impact with people like me – foster parents who want to do the best for the kids.
9.
reallybusymama | April 30, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Hi LT. What an incredible writer you are, a true gift. I have already bookmarked your site and intend on following your journey.
I am new to the child welfare system and was searching the net for suggestions from children that are/were in foster care. Your personal memories, feelings and suggestions will remain with me while I work with these children and families.
I have begun this past week, the first of a nine-week training in our state capital on the ins and outs of child welfare. One of the facilitators, presented on “working with traumatized children”. He left the child welfare system, after 17 years in both CPS and Foster Care to gain his PhD. He founded a special facility for this special population, that helps research and work with traumatized children. He showed us a short video of 3 young adults, like your self, who aged out of the system. There insight was important and definitely mirrored some of your writings, regarding what our children need from us workers.
I plan on sharing your blog with other new (and old) workers in the field….this personal perspective is necessary for us to understand the true IMPACT our work has on children.
You are in my prayers LT. May you continue to heal, both physically and emotionally as well as be a you continue to be a light of hope to others.
I pray that I can find the balance within my work, to not only do my job but help the children I work with.
Again, Thank you for your transparency. ♥
10.
Sam Dog | May 1, 2011 at 2:48 am
Hey LT,
How is Moonlight doing? We are big time animal lovers…. (I rescued Sam when he was a pup from a farm.)
Since you aren’t working, I hope Moonlight is doing okay. If getting the medicine becomes an issue, let me know. We can make a donation via some animal organization or from our vet to the place you get the meds. That way we keep our privacy and you can keep yours. I read you aren’t into “free stuff” (which is so anti-American
, but I think Moonlight wouldn’t mind it to stay feeling well.
11.
Krista | May 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm
Hi LT. I showed my husband your blog and told him how amazing you are. We want to become foster parents to teens/young adults aging out of the system. Hoewver, we want to take it one step further…we have a house next door that was converted into 3 apartments and we were thinking of buying it in order to give foster kids who age out of the system a place to stay, adopt them if they would like that, help them with their education, that sort of thing. What do you think about something like that? I also have a more personal question to ask you, if that’s okay. I don’t feel comfortable asking “in public”, but please email me if you like. kpowell1066 at yahoo.com
12.
Another Voice | May 11, 2011 at 11:49 pm
What do you think about young foster parents adopting teenagers even if the adoptive parents are only a few years older than the teen? Like a 26 year old adopting a 14 or 15 yr old? Would that be weird for the teen? Or at least give them someone to call their family?
13.
LooneyTunes | May 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm
hey…
sorry for the delay in getting to the question. i thought about it quite a bit.
so here is the deal…
first i really think it is up to each teen to choose what they want. they should have the right to decide to be adopted or not.
i dont think it is weird for a 26 year old to adopt a 14-15 year old, if it is understood that the relationship is more of a “mentor,” or older sister/brother and not a mom/dad, right?
at that age, i still wanted a mom and dad, but knew it was highly unlikely. so, yes, i would have been happy to have been taken in by stable adults who could have helped me grow in a loving mentoring relationship.
a stable relationship is better than NO relationship … in my mind.
loving “mentors” to call family is better than NO family … in my mind.
a loving home made up of differences is better than NO home … in my mind.
also, i think you need to remember that many foster kids may be developmentally younger than their actual age….because all the shit that happens in their lives. like even though i am a young 20-something, i am still a child in many ways… NOT consciuously, but developmentally….
so, you might adopt a child who is 15 chronologically, but 9 developmentally…..
thus while your role may be of a “mentor,” there may still be plenty of parenting that you would do….
hope this helps…peace.
14.
Another Voice | May 19, 2011 at 9:39 pm
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate you taking the time to think about and answer my question. I am a younger foster parent and when I had a teenager I worried about what would happen if she went up for adoption. Part of me wanted to give her a permanent home and a forever family (which included my siblings, nieces, nephews, parents, grandparents, etc) but the other part felt it would not be good (because it was almost like an ‘older sister/younger sister’ relationship). She seemed to have mixed feelings about it as well. So, anyway, thanks for the input!
15.
Sam Dog | May 13, 2011 at 9:56 pm
Hey did you see / know about this webiste?
I’m on a email dist list with the grass roots organization that I wrote about earlier. Any way one of the emails I got today is for this Foster Care Alumni of America. It looks interesting and cool. Here is what is on of part of thier home page….
“This May in recognition of National Foster Care Month, FCAA is launching a national I Am Here campaign. I Am Here is a multi-media campaign to raise awareness about the needs of foster youth, and to let youth in care know that their alumni family is here for them. Our messages will be on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and email, reaching youth and alumni all across the U.S.!
To watch the I Am Here video see below. Then, post the video on your Facebook page and send a Tweet to your network. Join our efforts to transform foster care, and help us show the 450,000 youth in care that together, I Am Here.
We are building a permanent, extended-family community. Through FCAA, you forever have a place to belong—something so many of us didn’t find growing up.
We are creating opportunities to use our hard-won expertise to improve the lives of people in and from foster care.
We are changing the culture of foster care.
Whether you are an alumnus of foster care or an ally, please join us as we Connect Today…Transform Tomorrow. Click here for definitions of alumni and ally.
We estimate there are 12 million alumni of foster care and 800,000 foster care professionals in the United States.
Can you imagine the changes we can make when even a small percentage of us get together?
Can you envision how your own life and work will be improved by being part of a giant network of people working together to change foster care for the next generations?
It really matters that you’re here. Learn more about how you can get involved……”
CHECK OUT Thier POSTCARD PROJECT. You should submit some of your stuff on a postcard…
Later
C
16.
lucy | May 15, 2011 at 6:24 am
where can i email ?
i want to send u a cartoon :- 1988 Oliver & company
17.
ilona frederick | May 25, 2011 at 4:52 pm
LT
I am employed by a national nonprofit organization that works to find families for those youth in foster care who have waited the longest for a forever home. I think your blog is AMAZING and hope you continue to write as your words are powerful for so many different people.
Please feel free to contact me if there is anything I can do to help your mission.
Ilona Frederick
http://www.ChildrenAwaitingParents.org
ilona@capbook.org
18.
lifemultiplied | June 4, 2011 at 1:48 pm
LT, you may have written the very answer to my question–if so, I apologize. I’m occasionally in downtown Portland and it breaks my heart to see the street kids there, especially now that I know even more why many of them are there. Is there anything I can do to help them? We don’t have much money. Would they appreciate some sort of small food package? Is there something else I could have on hand to give some of them when I’m downtown? Now that I “know” you it’s even more important to me to at least try to help. Thanks for sharing your life with us all and opening our eyes to so many issues.
Michelle
19.
LooneyTunes | June 28, 2011 at 10:10 pm
sorry for the delay in getting back to some questions. portland is *well-known* to be a place to go. weather is good, cops are decent, lots of kids.
food is always a great choice. if the kids are hanging out asking for change, hand them the food. most will take it. some might be jerks because they really just want money for drugs or booze. but food is a great option because sometimes you dont get to eat, or you only get one meal a day.
drinks like gatorade, energy drinks are pretty good too.
small first-aid kit might be good too.
(like a paper bag with neosporin, butterfly bandages (they work in place of stitches), etc)
thanks for asking.
20.
lifemultiplied | June 29, 2011 at 4:48 am
Perfect, thanks!
21.
complicatedwaltz | August 18, 2011 at 12:59 am
Hey, if you are in Portland, check out this organization:
http://www.outsidein.org/
They are always looking for volunteers. A friend of mine is a doctor there, she treats homeless teenagers on a mobile bus.
22.
David Miguel Stidwell [ Mellows] | June 4, 2011 at 6:14 pm
I was fostered at the age of 8 months, need help to find natural family
23.
Samdog | June 11, 2011 at 12:48 am
LT thought you might find this interesting:
Senator Mary Landrieu Calls for Action to Help Foster Children Find Mentors
At a May 26, 2011 press conference, Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA) called for the enactment of legislation she has introduced to help foster children find mentors. The legislation would authorize $15 million to establish mentoring programs throughout the United States, $4 million to raise awareness of the program and recruit mentors, and up to $10,000 in federal student loan forgiveness for those who volunteer to help mentor a foster child.
At the news conference, Betty Krupa, one of Senator Landrieu’s staffers and daughter of longtime NACAC members, shared her story of growing up in foster care and her eventual adoption. She spoke of the difference it made in her life to have people she could look up to and count on.
For more information, visit: http://www.nola.com/politics/index.ssf/2011/05/sen_mary_landrieu_proposes_a_m.html.
24.
Sarah Navin | June 21, 2011 at 2:22 am
Hi, LT. My name is Sarah, and I’ve been reading your blog with interest after stumbling across it. While I’ve never been in foster care, or been a foster parent, I do have dreams of someday adopting older children, especially those with special needs, and I’m finding your tips for foster parents really helpful, and something I’m bookmarking for the potential future (not for a very long time, as I have a lot more school and training to get though before I am in the position to do this). In the meantime, you have given me some great ideas as to how I can get involved with helping older children and teens through mentoring, which sounds like a good idea!
Thank you for sharing your story. I know this can’t be easy for you and I am so proud that you have had this courage to share your words with others, and to move me so thoroughly. You seem like an awesome person, and are very strong as well. Kudos to you for that, and I hope you are doing well in your recovery!
25.
Jessie-Mae | June 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm
I’m an adoption worker, and I’ve just begun to read your story and really want to share it. Right now I’m working on doing a feature on you and your blog on my own adoption website (I’m a worker and it’s full of advice for foster/adoptive families – I think every one of them needs to hear your story). http://www.wonderful-kids.org
But, I also read that you’ve been separated from your brother. The program that I work for does family finding, and I’m very good at locating long lost relatives.. if you were willing to give me some info on your brother I could see if I could help you find him.
Your story has really touched me, and while I wish I had been your worker so I could have helped you as a child, I know that’s not possible.. but I can do something now…
I know it’s another risk to put yourself through, so if it’s not something you’re ready for I understand. If you are, please contact me.
26.
KJ | June 27, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Dear LT,
Thank you for your insightful and inspiring writing.
My husband and I are newly married and still on the young side for fostering/adoption, but it’s something we talk about as a real possibility for our future family in addition to our plan to have biological kids in a few years. We are particularly interested in adoption, though fostering is also a possibility.
I was wondering if you could offer some thoughts on some or all of the following questions:
1) What kinds of things can we be doing, thinking about, reading, or otherwise planning to help us prepare for being good foster or adoptive parents in the not-so-near future, and to help us make the decision about whether we ultimately do want to do so? (It’s still too early for things like licensing or how to handle the first day or other practicalities like that — we are wondering more about ways to shape our long-term thinking and planning.)
2) I’ll be honest — one of our concerns when considering fostering/adoption is the very real challenges that these kids, especially older kids, are likely to face given their backgrounds, and how those difficulties might affect us and the other members of our family (including other potential children in the family). Of *course* these children with challenges still deserve loving homes, and their problems are not at all their fault, and for that matter biological kids could have lots of difficulties too! But it is still a concern for us: we want to be prepared for the challenges that an acting-out child would be going through, but worry about how difficult this would be, and the toll it might take on other members of the family (especially other children). Can you offer us some specific perspective on how we might think about this concern, and alleviate some of the worry?
3) Do you have a suggestion of when the best time and age to introduce fostered/adopted kids into our future family? Should we have a couple of biological kids and then foster/adopt when the biokids are older? Should we intersperse? Does it matter if the foster/adoptive kid is older or younger than the other kids in the family? Is it important to have some experience parenting biokids before parenting foster/adoptive kids — and if so, is it important to specifically have parented biokids who have gone through the same age/stage as the foster/adoptive kid? (For example, if we had a biokid who’s five and then decide to foster/adopt a kid who’s ten, would it be less than ideal since we would only have experience parenting 0-5 year-olds?) One consideration is that we can physically only have biological children for a limited period of time, whereas the “deadline” for adding foster/adoptive kids to our family is later (based on the law and not on our fertility).
Thank you very much for your thoughts and suggestions!
27.
LooneyTunes | June 28, 2011 at 9:56 pm
hi KJ-
welcome to my blog. i hope i answer your questions… please remember, that i am thinking in terms of the kid’s feelings and stuff…
1) the best thing i believe is to be around children.
(a) become a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) which is a volunteer position where you are the VOICE for foster children, helping to get what they need. i did a blog post on CASA, so you can see that it was a person who was in my life and what they did. also becoming a CASA would introduce you to “hurting children” and what they face and feel.
(b) volunteer at a children’s home or group home. you will have to go through background checks and some training, but then you could help with homework, play games, read, be a mentor, run craft hours, etc.
(c) become a big brother/big sister if there are no opportunities to volunteer directly with foster children. many kids who need big brothers/big sisters are “at-risk” kids.
==================================
2) well, it will be difficult. most of the kids are hurting. the best things you can do are be strong, be gentle, and be creative. step back and try to put yourself in their shoes before you do anything. i really suggest volunteering with hurting kids, before you begin to foster, especially if you are hesitant.. talk with other foster parents. the best foster parents i had understood “where i was”… and did not use punishment or anger, but creative engagement.
i am not sure i can alleviate the concern. each child will be different. get some books on parenting hurt children and read them. they will tell you what *could* happen at worst.
there is no guarentees in life…even biokids could act-out.
from my perspective, its a matter of how you deal with it that affects the child and relationship. things you might do with biokids, you cant do with all foster/adoptive kids. like sending them to their room or taking away priveliges becuase at first it might not matter to the kids. in many cases, you cant necessarily parent “hurting” kids the same way you would parent “non-hurting kids.”
==========================================
3) many many many people will tell you not to foster children older than your biokids. many many many people will tell you not to foster children at all when you have biokids in the home. i personally think both these beliefs suck. it feeds the myth that most foster kids are “dangerous” etc. most foster kids are not.
i think the more important thing is how much time YOU as parents have.
for example, if you have a newborn who needs you 15 hours a day, do you really have enough energy and focus to give to a hurting child?
if you are working full-time, do you really have enough time and energy to focus on a hurting child?
if you have 3 young biokids, do you really have enough time and energy to focus on a hurting child?
do you have enough time and energy to take the foster child where he/she needs to be — therapy, visitations, therapy, etc.
because the truth is that a hurting child NEEDS more…the relationship requires more effort and time.
==========================================
your questions are very hard to answer. i think many of the answers have to come from you doing some soul-searching.
Examples….
what is the WORST thing you could deal with? (wetting the bed, screaming, lying, running away, peeing on the floor, stealing, hiding food, not talking at all, etc)
is the rest of your family and friends against it? (because support is very important)
can you laugh? (if not, stop here)
can you deal with anger and hostility and saddness when a child comes back from a visit with the bioparents?
are you willing to make the child 100% part of your family?
do you have the time to advocate for the needs of the children that may be placed with you?
etc
etc
etc
i think these are true if you want to adopt as well, unless you are getting a HWN….
28.
KJ | July 6, 2011 at 1:22 am
Thank you very much for your excellent insights, LT! You gave us a lot of great suggestions and good, tough questions to ask ourselves. I hope we do find ourselves in a few years with the courage and ability to welcome a child into our home who needs one. In the meantime we will volunteer with at-risk kids, read a lot, think a lot, and of course continue reading your terrific blog. Thank you again!
P.S. Do you have any particular book recommendations, or should we just visit our local library or bookstore?
29.
Sarah Gerstenzang | June 30, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Hello,
You do an amazing job with your blog. I am a foster/adoptive parent and run an organization in NY (nysccc.org) that provides information, support and advocacy for foster and adoptive families. I especially love your responses to “What makes a good foster mom?” We plan to share it widely. Thank you for taking the time to do what you do.
Best to you,
Sarah
30.
Sarah Navin | June 30, 2011 at 8:36 pm
LT, a question has recently occurred to me and I’m not sure how to phrase it, so please forgive me if this is too upsetting to answer. I hear a lot about holding therapy being used to help kids with RAD, and sometimes have heard of cases where it has been abused with many foster/adopted children, who might not necessarily need it. I’m wondering if you, (or any other of the former system kids who read here) have ever experienced this phenomenon. I’m trying to determine the prevalence rate of Attachment Therapy as it is used in foster/adoptive homes.
This is one of those therapies that can so easily be abused in the hands of the wrong people, and seeing so many stories about the treatment gone wrong has made this a subject I am very saddened and angered about. I’m also interested in hearing about how, in the right hands, it can be a success.
I’d also welcome comments from parents who have used this therapy with success. I know that in theory the therapy is meant to be a gentle way to form parent and child bonds, but I have heard so much about the negative aspects of if that I’d appreciate some information on the positive side as well.
31.
James | July 11, 2011 at 3:08 am
LT-have read your blog and I think you are one of the most determined and courageous people I’ve never met. I would like your advice…..here are two scenarios my wife(42) and I(40) and biodaughter(12) are consideing……which do you think is best or perhaps you have a better approach you could share???
Scenario #1
Adopt one tween/teen, wife gets 9 months off, goes back to work for 9 months then we adopt one more tween/teen, wife gets 9 months off, goes back for 9 and we do this for the next 20 or so years, adopting a total of 10 or so children by the time we are done. In this scenario my wife and I would both have to work full-time but our shifts would be flexible enough to be there when we were called upon or so I think (not sure how often we would be called away from work to come to our childrens aid at school or have to stay home with them during the week for sick days or other reasons). Unfotunately this scenario leaves us with little to no help from the system in the form of subsidies for things like counseling,braces,glasses and special services. The positive here of course is that they have an immediate home to call their own but as I’ve seen on this blog it may take awhle to get them into our home as there are many frustrations in trying to adopt straight out of the system.
Scenario#2
Foster to adopt, two kids 11-18, foster for two years, then adopt, then foster two more for two years and adopt and so on for 20 years or more again totaling 10 or more children. In this scenario I could work part-time or not at all and focus most, if not all of my time on beig there for the kids throughout the day on a moments notice while at the same time taking courses to better improve my understanding of the issues that face foster children and how to better help them, such as a social work diploma and teachers aid certification whch deals with helping disadvantaged children from all walks of life. Of course in this scenario there isn’t the immediate adoption but rather the promise to adopt after two years during which time we would receive the subsidies for counseling that are so very critical as you’ve pointed out.
Unfortunately for me I am currently unemployed but have a job interview this week. My past employment history has been sketchy at best as I’ve tried a number of different jobs over the years but nothing has ever fit until now. Recently I received a nurses aid certifiction and have the skills to help the elderly and people who are homebound due to injury or illness. Despite this certification, I am drawn more towards helping young people get a leg up in life but I’m willing to do both help the elderly and foster to adopt but I would prefer scenario #2 because it would allow me to focus more energy on the kids and besides there is a glut of nurses aids out there already (although male nurses aids are in demand). My wife is okay with either scenario. Your thoughts or opinion would be apprciated, thanks in advance. We see our case worker for the first time this friday so I hope to be ready with a best case scenario.
Peace out.
BTW, the money we would get from fostering we would like to use in the following ways: we have a double car garage that we’d like to convert into a bachelor suite so when our oldest child is ready to establish independance they could do so on a graduating scale as they work towards finishing college. We also have a room in the basement that could be used as well which is somewhat private but not as private as the garege would be. Each of our children would receive a car upon graduating high school and we would help with the insurance costs. There college eduacation would be paid for by us. A yearly vacation of course would be essential in ensuring a break in the norm and it would bring us all closer together as a family. School trips, uniforms, and extracurricular activities(sports,science fairs,debate team outings, art exhibits and expences…etc). Lastly we look forward to spoiling our grandchildren, all 30-40 of them
By the time we retire there hopefully would not be much money left as we would have spent almost all of it on giving our kids a brighter future and a place they could call a forever home! Besides my wife has a good pension we could easily retire on.
P.S. imho I thnk you would make an amazing case worker/social worker, your first hand expereince wold not only benifit the kids but it would also help in making the necessary changes that need to occur. Your unbridled passion would set the tone for making change a reality. It certainly has worked for us.
32.
James | August 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm
LT, I know you rarely check these questions but on the off chance that you do I have one for you. As a future foster parent I am concerned about false abuse allegations and in particular if someone made such an allegation would they take your bio children as well as the foster children out of your home? I ask this because in my research I have found well meaning foster parents who have been accused falsely and had there lives turned upside down as a result. I found this quote in the following article:http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/false-abuse-allegations-adoption-and-foster-care-by-rita-laws-phd-why-false-allegations-occur-2.html
“Some of them will use false abuse accusations as a weapon or a tool to get their way. A few are just trying to get attention.” and “one-third to half of all reports may end up as unfounded.”
How real is this problem? How concerned should a foster parent be?
I can deal with a child testing me to see how far they can push me but false accusations is a whole other kettle of fish altogether.
Your thoughts or those of your readers on this issue would be appreciated, thanks.
33.
Christina Thomason | September 2, 2011 at 9:41 am
We were worried about the same things when we became foster parents. We have had a few allegations made from a foster child and mostly from the bio parents lashing out. The investigations are really tough to get through because we care so much about the kids and we are questioned like the abusers. Our agency is pretty good about recognizing that they are false allegations. I think if the social worker came out to your house and the kids flinched while you moved toward them or your kids were confirming the abuse they would move the foster children. There would have to be a lot of evidence of abuse or neglect before they take your children.
34.
James | September 3, 2011 at 1:55 am
Thank you Christina for sharing your experience with me. My wife and I begin our first training session at the end of September and I plan on doing some volunteering with the childrens aid society(Canadian) as well. Hopefully the combination of the two will help me to see how much of a concern this issue is in my area. Cheers
35.
Christina Thomason | September 2, 2011 at 8:26 am
I don’t have DID, but I relate to everything else in you posts. I aged out of the system 10 years ago and have just begun going to counseling for PTSD. Do you know if there are any support groups for kids like us? I hate feelingbso different and all alone. It is good to know there are others out there. Maybe we could help each other?
36.
Sherrie Calgaro | September 12, 2011 at 3:55 am
LT?..I’ve just read some of your posts and my heart broke..don’t know that that was your intention, but your pain is so real and so raw. I came looking for your site about what foster care really is because my daughters friend has been raped twice, once by a cousin..parents found out..did nothing..and sigh..she was also raped by her brother. Mom is an alcoholic..who seems to care mostly about herself, her Dad is a anger management issue (military) who told her to suck it up and deal with it when he heard about her first rape. Now parents are divorcing..leaving her at home with brother and Dad. And she is suicidal, depressed, angry, afraid..and I’m sure you know this..been there, done that. She is at a point where she wants out of her house, she will be 16 soon. She wants to report what was done to her to social services. These can all be positive things. But I fear for her and what her life will be like in foster care for the next couple years. Will she still be allowed to see us? The people who care in her life? Her friends? Will the foster homes let us see her, visit, can she come over? Who sets those rules? I think right now we are the only stable, loving environment she has, and she can’t lose us, we can’t lose her. I’m going to apply for foster parent status, but what are the chances of us being able to get her? Can we be specific in saying we want her? I can’t answer her questions/these questions..I havent been there. But I know that most foster care sucks. I’m trying to help her decide if her life will be better in foster care..because really I’m not sure..Can u help? Can u answer any of this for me?..You seem like a person who has real compassion, who can really care..I don’t think you even know your own strength…and to me..you are amazing..and I don’t have to meet you to know. I have always said sometimes people we don’t even know about can still care for us, still help..maybe you can help her/us?..If you need anymore info, email me, find me on facebook…and blessed be…
37.
Still hiding the tears | September 13, 2011 at 9:33 pm
Hi Sherrie, I had to do something very similar last year for a friend of mine. Working with teens in foster care is difficult and as far as the rules go depending on the area and the foster parents foster kids are allowed to visit with people from their past as long as they don’t prove to be a threat to their safety and they can find a close foster home, a lot of times kids are placed miles from where their bio home. You can work on getting your foster care license, however, it is a very lengthy process (not that I am trying to deter you). It took my husband and I almost a year and a half, I am told that it depends on the area you are in and how busy/overloaded the foster care workers are. You can assist her in making the call and possibly manage to arrange for child protective services to meet with her at your home, during this meeting you can inform them that you are willing to care for her once the allegations are substantiated. They do attempt to find relative placements before they place a child in a foster home, because you are the only stability she has they may work with you. I hope this helps. Good luck to you and I truly hope everything works out for that young lady, it is good that you have opened your hearts too her.
38.
Rosa | October 3, 2011 at 2:29 pm
If you are willing to care for her, most likely Social Services will allowed you to. IT is called Kinship Foster Care, it is usually done by relatives or close friends. Social Services try to find anyone able to care for her before placing her in foster care. You don’t need to have a foster parent license, but you will be required to have some things done, finger prints, etc . Just follow your heart, You are a blessing in her life, helper to heal.
God Bless people like you that are willing to make a difference!
39.
Linda Kauffer | September 12, 2011 at 11:30 pm
Sherrie-many states have kinship care programs where people who are not blood-related can accept a child they know into their home without all of the formality of foster care. Since you are interested in a specific child, contacting your local Children’s Protective Services agency will let them know that there is a positive possibility for the youth. You will still have to undergo background checks, perhaps a shortened form of home study and a safety audit. Believe me, most agencies welcome people who are willing to provide care for a child, no matter what the form. And as to if you can maintain a relationship with the girl once she is moved into out-of-home care, best practice in social work (nationally) is to try to provide continuity for a child by maintaining contact with people who have been important in their lives. But, sometimes you have to be the one to make yourself known to an agency.
And LT-BRAVO! and thank the powers that be that you have Dr. Val in your life. I have stumbled upon your blog this evening as I was looking for pictures of snowflakes-I am putting together a slide show for my agency’s annual Foster Parent Appreciation Banquet, which happens in December, and had decided that since foster youth are like snowflakes, snowflakes would be a good theme to go with the pictures. And there was your post about foster kids being like snowflakes! I was meant to find you! I am a foster parent as well, and have found your posts to be honest, and helpful to all of us who struggle to do what we can. I will be introducing your blog to the twelve teens I work with in my agency’s Independent Living Program. They need to hear what you have to say. Thanks for being here. (I hope you are feeling better!)
40.
kerri hankin | September 26, 2011 at 11:13 am
Hi LT- I direct a foster care agency in Colorado – WhimSpire. We have a website, but I only really update our facebook page. I was about to post a link to your blog, but saw that you wanted to give permission first. I guess in the age of facebook, we don’t even think about that anymore! Would it be ok with you if I posted a link to your blog? So many of us professionals, foster kids, foster families, really need to read what you have to say.
Thanks,
Kerri Hankin
WhimSpire Foster Care
41.
LooneyTunes | September 26, 2011 at 5:07 pm
hi kerri-
its fine to post the link. hopefully some other people will come and offer their experiences and insight.
it is always good to have different views and thoughts about some things i write.
i dont have a facebook account though.
peace.
42.
J | October 3, 2011 at 11:18 am
hearing about how bad it can be in foster care, on your blog and other blogs, like legally kidnapped… how do you know when it is the right thing to do to call in an report what you think may be child abuse? I have a friend and she is very worried about her neighbor and their child but she is afraid that if the child is placed in foster care it will be worse than what is happening at home. She has no relationship with the neighbors, they want nothing to do with her and keep to themselves. Any ideas?
43.
Rosa | October 3, 2011 at 2:36 pm
This is not a response from L.T but as a Foster Parent I can tell you that Not all foster parents are bad and do terrible things to the children. Unfortunately we hear more the “bad experiences” than the good ones and stick with us because are so terrible and they make it to the media. If the child is being abused, your friend needs to report it! She can make an anonymous call to Social Services. The life of that child can be in danger. Social Services finds relatives, close friends or even neighbors willing to care for the children before placing them in foster care.
44.
LooneyTunes | October 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm
Make the call. Report the abuse.
The reality is that their are many good foster parents ….and many bad ones. Just like bioparents.
The longer a child is in foster care, the more likely the child is to get bad foster parents… statistics.
Foster care varies by state and by county. I met a lady who lives in a county outside Chicago, and the foster care system there is amazing.
I grew up in a state where the foster care system is notoriously horrible.
There are LOTS of people who read my blog that represent good foster parents and care deeply for the children.
Make the call. It is anonymous, and if nothing is happening, the case will be closed.
45.
J | October 4, 2011 at 11:25 am
thank you. will tell her, encourage her and maybe do it myself if she won’t.
46.
lily | October 3, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Hi LT! I love your blog. I read this article this morning, it’s about a woman (an artist!) with DID who has more than 100 different “parts”. I thought you might be interested:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/sep/30/kim-noble-woman-with-100-personalities
47.
Lika | October 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Hi LT. First I want to say that you’re an incredibly talented writer. You’re articulate and intelligent and you’re able to explain all the grey areas in such an understandable manner. I’ve learned so much reading from your blog and I hope to apply what I learn to make the world a better place for kids in the future (I’m hoping to be a teacher to kids in disadvantaged areas.) I also wanted to add that the abuse that happened to you should not have happened. It was *WRONG* for you to suffer like you did. You shouldn’t have suffered like that. You are amazing and should have all the love and beauty this world can give you.
I’m involved with adoption criticism and was wondering if it was okay if I link a couple of your posts where you talk about how adoption isn’t a realistic goal for a lot of the older kids in foster care and how the anti-adoption crowd is being unfair to foster care kids by speaking for them and saying they should only have permanent guardianship and no adoption. Looking at both side of the issue, so to speak. I think you’ve really tackle the grey issues of adoption and foster care well, and people on both side of the adoption issues should read both those posts to see the grey areas inbetween.
Thanks for reading!
48.
Lika | October 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Just wanted to say that you don’t have to answer this (not that I was expecting an answer or saying that you had to before.) I think it was incredibly tactless of me to ask you like that, and I can write what I want to say without putting it on your back, so to speak. You’ve already given enough with this blog. It’s time for everyone else to give a little of themselves and put what we want to say on our backs.
I do want to say that you and every child deserved to have been cherished by a loving family, and that you were denied that was totally unfair, and it wasn’t your fault. The system is so broken, and it’s innocent children who suffer *our* mistakes. It shouldn’t have been that way.
But you are making a huge difference, and you’re helping a lot of people see those mistakes of the system. Not the mistake of children, because children are not a mistake, they never were, but the system is horribly messed up and full of mistakes, and it’s the system and our adult way of thinking that harms so many kids that must be fixed. Not the kids.
I hope you’re feeling better.
49.
Ross | October 10, 2011 at 2:55 am
I just wanted to share this link. Unfortunately one more thing that affects foster children. So frustrating!
http://news.yahoo.com/law-protects-foster-kids-identity-theft-163241775.html
You are Amazing!!!
50.
Ross | October 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm
LT. I hope you are feeling better today!! Just wondering, how the tests went??? Please keep us posted.
xoxo
51.
NoNameNoState | November 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I have a question. Why does the “system” repeatedly pressure obviously reluctant and/or disinterested relatives to assume guardianship of a child that is living quite happily in a foster home where he/she is loved, safe, valued and wanted? Just curious.
52.
Sonya | November 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Hi! I love your blog and have featured your posts feed on our site. If you would like a feature page for one of your posts we would love to include you. Just let me know if you are interested.
53.
linda henager | December 3, 2011 at 7:59 pm
dear blogger,
i’m trying to clear my google search infomation for security reasons. i posted on your sight on march 5, 2010. can you please delete the comment followed by deleting this comment? i would greatly appreciate your help and wish you wellness and peace.. thank you Lindri
54.
Brent | December 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm
Hi, I am a student working on a project involving the negative effects on the foster care system. I have been looking over your writing’s and also found some of your information helpful, and the images as well. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if I shared some of your idea’s (giving credit, and referencing your personal story) in the booklet I am compiling.
I feel like the personal statements and stories you’ve shared would greatly illustrate just how stressful the situation is (as I’ve found it extremely difficult to contact children in the system, and have yet to hear back from any organizations who’d be willing to put me in contact with former members), and give it a sense of earnest and reality.
If that would be okay to do, please email me back, preferably with a first name,alias, or however you’d like to be referred to outside of standard citation format.
THANKS!
Brent
55.
LooneyTunes | December 11, 2011 at 8:44 pm
what is this project for?
56.
Brent | March 24, 2012 at 11:25 am
Sorry for my late reply, been busy researching..
Basically the project is a graduation requirement and I felt a strong pull to make project on the ups and downs of the foster care system.
It’s a purely academic work and will not be sold, distributed, or recreated but only used to mention some areas in the system that could use reform.
57.
rosanna | December 10, 2011 at 7:56 am
im living with my mum im due to give birth anytime now im ment to be in foster care but i wish to stay with my mum or get my own place they said if i dont return to foster care when iv had my baby they will remove him from my care im 16 years old do i have any legal rights if so what are they
58.
LooneyTunes | December 11, 2011 at 8:41 pm
what country are you in?
59.
An Ordinary American | December 12, 2011 at 3:01 am
LT,
The frustration works both ways.
My wife and I are in our late 40′s, no children, semi-retired and financially comfortable. We’re both college graduates, former high-rank executives and I’m a military veteran as well. We can, and have, passed any and all checks directed at us from multiple state adoption services and agencies.
We WANT to adopt an older “at risk” teenage young lady, and we’re even more than willing to adopt siblings.
Yet, we continuously hear nothing from the agencies and the supposed “social” workers that staff them.
We were looking at a brother sister pair who lived about 500 miles from our locale. The social worker expressed “concern” that we were too far away for them to see their grandmother “if” she wanted to see them.
Fine, we tell the social worker. I’m a pilot and we have our own airplane. We can make that trip in less than three hours.
No joy.
Trying to get out of state agencies and social workers to even return a phone call, let alone proactively call us seems to be out of the question.
We’ve recently been contacting the state agency in Alabama as we want to send some Christmas presents to some of their kids. We get a “form” e-mail reply, or a form letter telling us they need to do a home study.
For anonymous Christmas presents we offered to send to the respective social workers???
There are a lot of families out there who DO want to adopt or foster or mentor an older teenaged child in foster care, but the agencies’ complete lack of compassion combined with their incredible incompetence is what drives these same families to adopt from overseas.
The system is broken. Those in charge could care less. Their words may sing one tune, but their actions tell the truth.
In 2012, I’m preparing to raise bloody hell with several of the state agencies we’ve “dealt” with. It’s an election year and I think journalists need to start asking some damned tough questions of the bottom-feeding bureaucrats who mismanage these agencies and services on the taxpayers’ nickel.
Hang in there, young lady. If you’re ever in or near Texas and want a good dinner or lunch, give me a little advance notice via my own blog. What you’re doing here is a good thing.
Keep your chin up, no matter what.
–AOA
60.
lukesarmy | December 17, 2011 at 1:43 am
Love your Poems, I wanted to know if I could post them on the site, thanks, Michael.
http://lukesarmy.com
61.
Katie Rivers | December 21, 2011 at 5:05 pm
LT, your blog is so touching, heartbreaking, inspiring all at once. Thank you for writing it. I wanted to know what state you lived in and how I could help you financially. I am not rich by any means but I know I could help in some small ways. I will pray for you… please email me privately or post a comment back
62.
Liz | January 16, 2012 at 12:02 am
I am a twentysomething second year medical student in chicago, and every day I try to think about how I can do the most good in my life. im starting to realize that it might involve becoming a foster parent, so that’s how i came across your blog. I wish I could be your mom and could have been there every day to tell you that you are the most precious thing in the whole world. i would give anything to know someone like you or to get to be a parent to a person like you. you are beautiful and strong, courageous…. i wish you had heard that every day of your life, so often that you never had to question it. I am so sorry for all the suffering you have been through on so many levels- physically, emotionally and spiritually. i can’t imagine the strength it must take to get through even one day, and the fact that you started this blog is so huge. you probably have done more good with your life than most of the people at my hospital. i don’t know if you can receive that message, but i hope one day you feel it with your whole heart.
is there anything i can do for you? just dream something up and maybe it could happen. i believe that you are going to do amazing things, and I am excited to see what is going to happen for you. (my name is liz, and you can shoot me an email anytime for any reason. i mean that.).
63.
ella | January 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm
LT, I can’t comment in your latest blog. I don’t know why?
64.
Jm | January 25, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Hi. I am writing because I am trying to get a placement on one of my students. She has been in my class for 6 months. CPS is not going to reunify with the parents. We would love to eventually adopt her. What are the best ways we can welcome her to our home. She is already very familiar with me but does not know my family. We have not told her about the placement because we all want to make sure everything goes through. I have been working my family into conversations and have showed my class pictures of my family, pets, and house. She is five what are some ways I can make her more comfortable when she gets here. She is very outgoing. I was wondering if it would be better to have a quiet few days at home. Or if we should welcome her with presents, a special dinner, and a cake.
65.
LooneyTunes | January 26, 2012 at 8:45 pm
Hi. Personally I would suggest keeping it low key. While this is a *happy* time, it is also a very sad and confusing time, because the child is losing her biofamily.
Read this
http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/2010/01/31/to-foster-parents-top-10-things-to-make-a-foster-childs-first-day-easier/
Some of the hints do not apply, because she is very little, but some do. Show her around with the other children. Let her explore. Gently explain boundaries — “this is sissy’s room.” Let her explore her room. Have a few stuffed animals, dolls, or toys that she can hold onto to feel secure.
Have a nice dinner, but let her help with things to be connected with you.
Play games, do puzzles, spend time talking and allow her to get used to your home and family and lifestyle.
Even if she is very outgoing, she is scared, so don’t overwhelm her.
Good luck. Peace..
66.
am | February 8, 2012 at 9:21 pm
Thank you!
67.
Carol | January 28, 2012 at 8:36 am
Hi LT,
I hope you read this. I just learned about your blog. My husband and I are foster parents and have fostered seven children in three and-a-half years. On December 1st, someone at DSS got angry and by 5:00 that afternoon our three foster children were taken from us for no reason other than vindictiveness. The children were thriving. I can honestly say we’re awesome foster parents. Are hearts were ripped out, especially because we fell in love with the 7-month-old baby we had since she was four days that we took home from the hospital.
We are going to eventually go to the media with our story because of a terrible injustice. Believe it or not, when I read your story and your poems, etc., it helps me heal because our situation could never be as terrible as yours. I haven’t read everything on your blog, but can we do anything for you? Can we talk in private because I don’t want to write too much on a blog about our pending case?
I won’t suggest you pray, but I can pray that you find peace some day. I wish there was something we could do. Even though DSS has taken away our ability to foster, we plan to continue to help children. We have started a website called “Once Upon A Foster Child”. It’s at its beginning stages. We would love to add a link to your website to ours. Would that be okay? Some day, some way, somehow we will make a difference!
“Sometimes, it only takes a little to change big things.”
Sincerely,
Concerned FM
68.
Alise | January 30, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Hi,
I am a college student majoring in Interior Architecture in my Senior year. I am working on a thesis project of choice and the focus of my project is a transitional center for 18-24 year olds who have aged out of the foster care system/ been emancipated. Below is a portion of my thesis statement:
“An upfront investment to aid these young adults in the direction of success
would benefit both emancipated teens and our society. The goal of this
project is to create a transitional center to aide these
young adults to make a successful adjustment to
adulthood. The program will provide a structured, supportive
environment in which emancipated youth practice independent living
skills. Youth earn greater independence as they demonstrate responsibility
and follow through on goals they set for themselves. The transitional center
will promote a sense of stability amidst uncertainty after emancipation.
Trained staff and volunteers interface with youth on a consistent basis to
model healthy relationship building and effective communication. Services
and amenities will include: dorm style living, dining, a resource center, a
recreational facility and counseling offices. Sustained by donations and
volunteer aide, a transitional center for these young adults who have aged
out of the Foster System, will provide the emotional and practical support
necessary to make a successful transition to full independency.”
To help with development of the project, I was wondering if you would like to answer some questions for me, as you would be a potential user for a center like this?
Thank you so much!
Sincerely,
Hopeful
69.
LooneyTunes | January 31, 2012 at 8:54 am
hi Hopeful-
the idea sounds great.
yes, i would have liked to have had the opportunity to participate in something like that to help me transition and build skills in all kinds of areas (money, cooking, relationships, bills, etc) under the “right” operating conditions.
sure, i will answer your questions. is through the blog ok? it might help others, but if it ruins your project, i will contact you via email.
im glad people like you are thinking about these issues.
-peace
LT
70.
Sandy Monroy | February 6, 2012 at 4:11 am
Hello LT, What kind of music do you listen to? As in genre and maybe examples. Im just curious and hopefully not sounding petty or whatnot
. I just want to get to know you.
71.
Chanson | February 6, 2012 at 7:59 pm
My husband and I are just beginning the process to be foster parents and we are in Missouri. we have 4 dogs which are 3 labs and a boxer. My daughter also has 3 cats which live in her room which is a very large rec room similair to an apartment. Does anyone know what missouri guidelines regarding pets are?
72.
Chanson | February 6, 2012 at 8:00 pm
Another question is for a couple i know that would also like to be foster parents. One of them got mixed up with the wrong crowd when they were younger and got caught with marijuana and recieved a msd. charge and only ended up with a fine. This was 21 years ago will this get them denied as foster parents in Missouri?
73.
YW | February 7, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Question: when you were moved to a new foster family, how did / do you feel about I love you’s.. ? I know you had some terrible foster families but were there some that you felt the love and how soon did they say I love you or did you? And what would you recommend is the “right time” to say it.. I would think when you really mean it but you want to let new foster children know that you love them even before you really feel it. you want them to feel loved, you are opening up you home and your hearts.. .. it is a little awkward, need your help.
YW
74.
Ross | February 9, 2012 at 12:17 am
LT I miss you. How you and your pets are doing?? I am doing an essay for my Human Services class is it ok to refer your blog or some of your comments?
I hope to read you soon, you haven’t write in days : (
xoxo
75.
Carol | February 13, 2012 at 7:33 am
LT,
May I use your website as a link on my new website? Recently three beautiful foster children were removed from our home without warning and without reason. Someone got angry at DSS because we fought too hard for the children. To heal, my husband and I have created the website. It is a work-in-progress, but we plan to do what we can to continue to help foster children and good foster parents.
Thank you,
Carol
76.
Jeremiah | February 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Hi there, I’m Jeremiah and just came across your blog while searching the web for some wisdom regarding healing my traumas. I was abandoned by my mother as a child and abused by my father, the damage done to me is incalculable and I have really been struggling with it the past couple months. Gritting my teeth and bearing the pain, taking off work because I’m so flooded I can’t function, sobbing like a baby. It’s fucked up but I feel good knowing that I’m not the only one who feels like that sometimes. Your words spoke to me and I appreciate you putting them out there for the world to see. I have worked for many years to heal my wounds and they have gotten better very slowly so Hang in there and don’t stop moving forward no matter how hard it gets. The last time my ptsd was triggered i was so emotionally flooded i thought that I was losing my mind so it does get better. One foot in front of the other is as good as it gets sometimes. .
77.
Kathryn | February 19, 2012 at 2:53 am
HI!
I am so incredibly glad that I found your website. I’m so sorry for the pain you experienced and the trama that you’re still dealing with… No one should have to go through that. But I really appreciate you sharing it with us.
I’m new to fostering. My parents did it for a year and it really affected me. I fell in love with the kids and the experience. Ever since, I’ve been waiting to turn 21 so I can work with an agency. My main concern is expressing love and affection. I want my home to be a safe haven. I want the children to feel loved, nurtured, and to know that they are important. How do I do this without having the children get too emotionally attached? Is it okay to tell them that I love them? My husband and I are going to be do emergency care (meaning that we could have them for as little as 24 hours) as well as long term placements. Do you have any other advice other than what you wrote in your “tips” page?
Thanks!
78.
Mama Lark | February 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm
Hi LT,
I appreciate all that you are doing to try and help other kids in foster care. You are a true hero! I am a foster mother (and have been for some years). I came across your blog (not even really sure how), but was wondering if I could use your recent poem about running into your former foster parents on my own blog? I would greatly appreciate it. Keep your head up.
79.
LooneyTunes | February 20, 2012 at 9:16 pm
Hi, welcome to my blog. You can repost the poem on your blog.
All i ask is that people link it to my blog or repost my blog address.
thanks for being a foster parent…
peace
80.
Samantha | February 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Can I go to court when I am 16 so tell them I want to go back to my mum after being in Forster care for 7 years ?? Please reply asap
81.
LooneyTunes | February 22, 2012 at 9:45 pm
Samantha,
I am sorry I do not know the answer, because it looks like you live in the UK which is different than where I live.
Do you have a GAL or an attorney? Or do you have a mentor or someone who is appointed by the courts to help you?
I wish I could help you some more, but i dont know about other countries.
peace
82.
Linka | February 22, 2012 at 12:26 am
Evening LT! (Or maybe morning??) I would like to ask for your help.
?!?) for foster kids who are going to age out? Some of them may go into structured Independent Living situations, some will leave, sadly, at 18 without graduating. And some, hopefully, will follow their plans and go on to the armed services, tech school, or college. We have good programming, the services and opportunities in our community open to them are considerable. But it is hard to get them to follow the plans the state mandates…I would like to tell you more about the approach I have taken, but can’t because it would be too likely that someone might recognize it, and identities might be easily determined…I would like your ongoing input into what we are doing with this program..what do you say? Ok, so I’ve asked for a lot. I figure it never hurts to ask, lol! Blessings!
I created and run my agency’s Independent Living Skills program. It is for the foster kids 15 and up. You have such good (understatement, lol) tips for foster parents and social workers, have you put anything (or would you please? pretty please
83.
Concerned FM | February 22, 2012 at 11:30 am
LT,
May we link your website to the foster parent support website we’re creating to find a way to continue to help foster children. Our hearts were broken recently when three beautiful, happy, healthy, “thriving” angels were removed from our home because we tried too hard to be good foster parents.
Thank you,
Concerned FM
84.
LooneyTunes | February 22, 2012 at 9:41 pm
That would be great.
I’m sorry your foster children were removed. I have been there and many of my readers are foster parents who have expereinced this too.
It’s rarely about what is best for the kids….always other issues are more important.
peace.
85.
Concerned FM | February 23, 2012 at 7:30 am
LT,
When I read your blog about “being pretty”, it made me cry. Truthfully, all your blogs make me cry. I’m excited and scared to post a link on our website to our blog … excited that more people will learn about the struggles that foster children have within the system and after they age out … but scared that some may not understand the message you are sending and turn away.
For three-and-a-half years we have fostered young children under ten (except a 14-year-old for one month), but after finding your website we have decided to focus our fostering on children getting close to aging out of the system. The system is broken and we will do everything we can to make a difference.
I once wrote on your blog that we want to give you a gift. Will you accept something from foster parents who were not blessed with biological children of their own so we did what made sense — fostered seven angels (three of who were returned to their parents) — only to be hurt by the same system that hurt you?
You are an amazing person! Hopefully some day you will believe that.
Concerned FM
86.
Claire Bear | February 22, 2012 at 6:38 pm
LT – I have read through your blog and my word I sooooooo agree with the comments of how articulate you are! You are inspirational just by the fact you are still here and sharing.
I don’t live in the US, I’m from Birmingham, UK and I know your suicidal thoughts – I have them too. But reading between the lines I feel you’re like me and know you can’t do this to your people who love you. I lost a dear family member to suicide in August 2011 under very tragic circumstances and it is so, so hard to come to terms with. He was my dearly loved brotherin-law and I still become overwhelmed by the fact he is not here – I imagine my sister and my 2 nephews feelings are 1000+ times worse. (This is not the only reason I feel suicidal, I have been severely depressed for years and since August things have gradually got worse). However, as I said, this cannot be a way out because it is a punishment to those left behind who dearly love and care for you. And you do have that personally, let alone all the people here who are so moved by your writing.
My point for emailing you is – look into getting your diary/blog published. You are a brilliant, eloquant woman who deserves to be read and understood and struggle less.
I wish I knew you personally to be there for you and maybe help with your demons and more importantly, to stop the self harm
Your arm looked so bad in your photo I just wanna take care of you. I can’t begin to understand the release you get from that because I’m too much of a puff to do that, but I do understand you get some kind of relief – although I think all who are subscribed to you on here would wish and hope you can stop this one day. Severely depressed people all have crutches – mine was alcohol and smoking. Both of which I am desperately trying to stop right now. We have a stop smoking service in the UK which I am now taking advantage of and have really, really cut down – also I can’t drink because I want a cig so that’s stopping and the MAJOR reason is – as always – money!
I think I am trying to tell you people understand – I don’t personally understand your experiences, I can only imagine the horror which you have portrayed so well.
I’m a 44 year old single mom with a son 13 (who is playing up right now grrrrr) and I would adopt you – even now – as you come across as a TRULY BEAUTIFUL human being.
May God bless you always – please keep posting so we know you are well and look into getting published young lady!
Much love
Claire xxx
PS – I too have a dog – Dave (a little westie) whom I love to bits xxx
87.
Concerned FM | March 1, 2012 at 7:54 am
LT,
I wanted to give you a gift, but after reading your explanation about why you don’t e-mail people, I’m changing my offer to a suggestion. Have you ever been on a cruise? Did you happen to see the movie Titantic? it truly is a beautiful feeling to stand on the front of the ship in the dark at night when the ship is cruising and feel the wind, smell the ocean and see the stars. For a few momennts it takes away the pain I feel. I know it can’t take away your pain, but for a few moments it might make you smile.
Our website is still a work-in-progress, but I can’t wait to post my first link to your website! Thank you for sharing your story.
88.
Em | March 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm
This isn’t a question. You are beautiful. You are a good person. You deserve happiness in its best form.
Might be an unwanted tip, but self harm urge? There is things that helped a friend of mine: Makeup (not lipstick, but the kind of full face, crazy rainbow coloured art that you can do). It can be a powerful tool when you feel hurt.
I hope you find someone who can bring you love, happiness and wholeness into your life. I know this sounds stupid, and i don’t think i have ever even met you before but I’m sat here in my room, with 3 assignments to do for tomorrow that aren’t finished, and i am desperately hoping you will feel the love i am trying to send you right now. You deserve so much better.
89.
Em-the-guinea-pig-fan! | March 4, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Just read some more, and saw a SH picture. You are one badly hurt person <3<3 And i was thinking, and i didn't know whether to send this, whether you would think i was a freak or whatever, but it was running through my mind.
I want to hug you. Cuddle you, let you cry, scream, shout. I want to sit down with you and hug you until you don't have any tears left. I want you make sure you are ok, put some cream on your arms, tuck you up in bed and stay with you all might so you can sleep safe and be sure nobody will come in. I want to be there when you feel worse than the worst, and help you to pull yourself up again. I want to be your protector, your guardian. The big sister (I'm younger than you.. hmm.. maybe the super protective little sister?
) that everyone else is scared to cross you because of. I want you to love being in the world, and love you for YOU, not because someone else told you to. you are incredibly strong for writing this blog.
Chances are, i won't ever get to meet you, and you will think i am some kind of crazy person. But maybe one day we will meet, and i can make you your favourite tea, and we can sit and talk and I can give you a big cuddle, and tell you it will be okay, and then help you make it ok.
Do you like guinea pigs? I have 7! I don't have a dog or a cat though.. maybe when i am older
xxxxxxx
90.
Mary | March 13, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Do you anything about your brother? I’m adopting a sibling group and I was wondering if you have any comments on the importance of staying together?
91.
Mary | March 13, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Do you know…. sorry can’t spell
92.
Randi Rubenstein | March 16, 2012 at 5:22 pm
LT – You are amazing! You write beautifully and have important things for all the world to hear. I am working hard to create better beginnings for all children and families. When you get a chance, please visit our website to learn more about me and our nonprofit: http://www.eduparents.org. I think we can help each other. I love the powerful images and messages in your blog. We don’t know each other yet, but I want you to know that I hear you. My heart goes out to you. What we can’t do to change the past we can use to change the future. I hope you will contact me – Randi Rubenstein rrubenstein@eduparents.org.
93.
Grandma Tammy | March 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm
AMEN..this LT is one smart person. My heart goes out to whom ever LT is>
Bless you
94.
malcolm | March 25, 2012 at 5:21 am
Hey I have a question for anyone who can answer can. my caseworkers say that I cant leave my fosterhome without an adult?
95.
Grandma Tammy | March 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm
whats your age?
96.
malcolm | March 31, 2012 at 2:15 am
14
97.
Linka | April 11, 2012 at 10:22 pm
That’s right Malcolm. And they have to be approved by what ever agency or court holds your custody.
98.
Kate | March 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm
You are such an incredibly bright intelligent articulate person – your insight is more valuable than any books on fostering and adoption that I have read so far. I have learnt just the most tremendous amount from reading your website. If you haven’t already done so you would write an incredible book that would be of so much value to so many people. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share all your experiences – please believe that you deserve a bright adulthood ahead of you even if you were not fortunate to experience a bright childhood.
99.
Grandma Tammy | March 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm
I have a QUESTION.
I have my grandson who is NOT in foster care..
But I have him. I seen some of the samething LT does and feels. I got my grandson when he was a baby. I have always told him how much I love him. He did ask sometime back 2 years ago..Why don’t I live with my parents. Why don’t they want me. I say because they have a hard time carring for themselfs. and I love you..So it’s best you stay with me. Your grandpa and I love you dearly. and Pray you love us too. He is not 12 and I see some changes going on..He has always been pretty open to me..but really close to his grandpa.
I have seen from time to time how he is with our DOG..sometimes he is a brat to her..I stop him right away.
What is making him do this?
LIke I said he has lived with me when he was a baby. ( Age 2 months ) by the way.
How can I help him?
I have read about what happens to children in foster care and I cry each time I hear another child has been hurt by the hands of someone..WHY harm the child. what did they do to you.
Rape of girls and boys..That kills me.
LIke I say..how can I help my grandson to not feel what most of the children I read on here feel..Please HELP me to understand.
Remember he is NOT in foster care..
I thank GOD each day for that. HE GETS NO MONEY TOO>
100.
Cate | May 12, 2012 at 6:56 am
He was abandoned by his mother and father. Have some sympathy. Read The Primal Wound and see if he’ll agree to counselling with a therapist who actually understands the trauma of being separated from mother – both the trauma that infant goes through when the mother-infant dyad is broken and the ongoing trauma that is being abandoned.
101.
M.E. | March 30, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Hi, this is not a question, but you do a really good job on your blog. You write well and put it together well. I’m just sayin you have talent and it’s a compliment.
good luck with your journey…
102.
GRANDMA Tammy | April 4, 2012 at 11:14 am
I have another question..why with the money the foster care families get are they putting you kids in good schools..this is really pissing me off>
The number I see children in foster care its all about the money they get for each child. they are not animals..they are children damn it.
WTF. I get so pissed when I hear another child has been raped. Look I was in foster care..but I was raped by a brother. I feel each and every person in CPS..
it’s money. City , county and states make lots of money for each child..
Your children. NOT COWS OR PIGS..WTF
103.
Caitlin | April 7, 2012 at 11:45 am
Hi LT!
I’m a 15 year old with symptoms that match out to DID, but I have never been tested whether or not I truly have it. My question is do you ever hear your “parts” talking to you. My friends keep saying its Schizophrenia, but I know its not. It doesn’t order me around, tell me what to do, how to live my life… It just comments. A very annoying commenter at that. Some times I also black out. Creeps me the hell out when it happens, but most of the time I’m not blacked out and can only watch like its a movie.
Thanks~
Caitlin
104.
zumpie | April 10, 2012 at 7:27 pm
Hi LT,
1) as noted above–you are NOT stupid (you’re very smart, sensitive and articulate). AS for the education part, it’s never too late to change that. You might also look into waiting tables—it can pay pretty well. It’s what I did before I moved into management.
You’re still young and have soooo much more than you even realize to offer.
2) I’m posting to also rant about a relative by marriage who recently became a foster parent—-and just badly she’s fucking it up, with the system’s blessing and full support:
Even though she’s never been a parent or even around kids all that much, Sheila decided she would foster. She and her husband are very, very into their hipster/party lifestyle and couldn’t see why it would need to change in any way (the first mistake).
After completing training, a boy, Andrew, 6 and his sister, Serena, 5, were placed with them. She is already their THIRD foster placement. Almost immediately, they proceeded to do everything wrong according to both foster training AND common sense.
a) they made the kids get rid of most of the posessions they had. As you know, foster kids don’t have a whole lot of stuff and seemingly meaningless things can be completely precious. I had offered some stuff I had (I’m a mom of one VERY spoilt kid, who keeps stuff entirely too long) for them. Sheila rebuffed with me tales of “simplying their lives for their own good”.
b) it became immediately apparent they couldn’t handle the kids—so they simply foisted them off on others. Both attend school and daycare during the week. Sheila worked only 2 days to begin with and took FMLA, so she really didn’t have much else going on. Yet every weekend she begged her relatives (except me, my bourgeois instincts are corrupting, even though I’m a successful, experienced parent who can handle spirited kids) to babysit for 10 hour stints, as well using respite care. She enrolled them in a lot of extra curriculars—more to get further time away.
c) even though she seemed to avoid spending any time with them, at any cost (and continued to make them feel largely shuffled and unwated), she almost immediately began telling them about her plans to adopt them. Hey, the possiblity of a forever home is great, but these are kids who still hoped their parents would work out their rehab plan and made it VERY clear they wanted to be returned to their birth parents.
Fast forward a month. Sheila broke her arm while chasing Andrew (both kids LOVE to be chased—I call that kids playing, she thinks it’s a “negative behavior”). She fully blamed the accident on him—even going so far as to call it a “Children of the Corn moment”. It’s an accident, try paying more attention to them.
They also had relaxed enough to act like sometimes bratty, difficult kids (actually a good sign), getting upset with Sheila and her litany of relatives when they wanted to leave some place fun after 5 minutes, etc. Because most of them don’t have kids either and are terrible with them (my daughter hates them).
Later that month, it was Christmastime, they went to visit thier bio-mom in rehab. Andrew completely flipped out afterwards (I’d probably flip out too if I were 6, in my third foster care placement and visiting my mommy in rehab at Xmastime, myself). Sheila couldn’t (more like it wasn’t fun any more) deal, called the caseworker and got him placed into institutionalized care.
She has subsequently been successful in getting the court order to keep them together vacated. He’s been in two other placements (and will soon be moved again) in the past 3 months. And just like yourself and your brother, they’ve been separated.
She now vacilates between giving Serena back and wanting to adopt her (there’s consistency). She also has gotten the state to pay for Serena, a five year old girl, to go to therapy five times per week. She also wants drop in day care, so she can be around Serena even less than she is currently.
And Sheila’s the actual INVOLVED foster parent. I finally met Serena on Sunday (Easter). Her foster father, John, exchanged perhaps 3 words in three hours with Serena. He was much, much more focused on drinking beer with his cycling frineds. Though he did get very irritated when she kept demanding his firned “look at her” and then ran away shrieking wiht delight when she finally got his attention.
She was a remarkably normal, charming little girl. My daughter (aged almost 12) was completely enchanted and proceeded to devote herself to Serena. After awhile this really upset Sheila, who requested my daughter “give Serena some space”. EVen though Serena was completely happy.
Why? Because Serena was displaying “inappropriate behavior”—like running around, shreiking, playing princess and fashion model. While hopped up on Easter candy. Sheila was also deeply upset because my daughter wanted to help Serena during the Easter egg hunt.
But apparently even those these were highly inappropriate behaviors they had long struggled to remove in intensive therapy, after about 10 minutes, Sheila got bored with playing mommy for the day, went inside and drank wine with her sister for the next two hours.
The worst part is, she’s probably a better than usual foster mom. And yes, I am considering getting certified just to save those kids—except our house is only 2 bedrooms and a den (in Oregon each foster kid must have their own room), ONE bathroom and we all do like to yell alot. Even though we love each other.
105.
barbie1368 | April 14, 2012 at 9:44 am
LT, I really miss hearing from u, i’m trying really hard to get thru, yet another miserable holiday, they all r , except for when my kids were little, i will be seeing my foster family in May, a lot of mixed emotions, i’m still looking for my foster family from when we were little, that would bring me some relief, especially if ny would give me my records, i guess i’m just here to vent, i hope u and ur friend and dogs are well, might not mean much, but i’m soooooooooo glad i found your blog B
106.
carlislemckenna | April 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Hi LT! I could really use help from you or anyone else’s who cares to respond. I’ve been talking to this 13 year old kid online. His parents are addicts and they yell all the time, make him do the chores, take the money he earns, etc. For obvious reasons, I want to help him. He wants online counseling, for one thing. I’m not a professional. Another issue is, he has only access to an ipod (no phone, etc) and he can only use it in secret when his parents are not around because they don’t let him do that, so he sneaks. Seeing a school counselor is not an option at this time. He also cuts. What I want is to connect him with resources as best I can. Online therapy and case management would be ideal but it does not appear to be an option because of his parents, still I am trying. Also, of course, he has no money. If I could find cheap therapy (like, under $100.00 a month- I’m super poor) I’d pay for it but I doubt I can find anything for that amount…it is hard enough to find online therapy of any sort at all. So, if you have any helpful ideas or opinions that would be great. What would you want if you were in this situation? I also don’t know if his parents hit or not—I asked, he won’t tell. Is there any way for him to ask his parents for counseling that will be safe??? Also, I think you could make this into a blog entry for your website, directed maybe towards kids or adults who are trying to help kids, not just as an answer to my question. Thank you for your time and attention. Carly
Oh0- if anyone knows how to help, please email carlislemckenna@gmail.com
107.
Richard Rohnert a.k.a. RD | April 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm
I am a member of the Massachusetts Chapter of Foster Care Alumni. We currently have 13 chapters: AZ, CA, CO, FL, ID, IL, KY, MA, MD, OH, TN, TX, VA if you are in one of these states, plug the letters into ??Chapter@FosterCareAlumni.org
You will probably get an answer to your question.
If you are in one of the other 39 states, announce what state you are from in your blog. No one can help if they don’t know where you live.
. Someone could see your state and point you in a helpful direction.
I was in Foster care for 17+ years so I have a very good idea where you are coming from. Write MAChapter@fostercarealumni.org and I will respond.
Good luck,
Richard Rohnert a.k.a. RD
108.
shannon | April 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm
Hello, i an am adoptive parent of 6 children. We are open with our children about adoption and have chose to have ongoing relationships with appropriate birthfamily and the new siblings that have entered into care. We take one sib every other weekend. With the special needs of the children already in the home it wouls be difficult to give another child what they deserved on a full time basis. What are your thoughts about having one big family where the kids are loved and adored by both birth and adoptive family and having quality family time with everyone?
109.
Becky Ding | April 20, 2012 at 9:02 am
Hi LT.
I’ve been reading your blog for a couple hours now. I wish I’d started at the beginning to see how you’ve progressed instead of going backwards in time; alas, I didn’t know how much I’d come to appreciate your insight when I began. My husband and I are in the very early stages of preparing ourselves to become foster parents, and following your story is going to be an ongoing part of my prep.
As I’m reading along, I’m finding specific pieces that I would like to copy and use in the future. For example, I would like to print out some of the coupons and give those to children who come into our home. I want them to be able to use an “It Didn’t Happen” knowing that they won’t be punished and it won’t be held against them – ever. I want to make a monthly or even weekly “Dinner of Your Choice” but I want to add to it that they get to/have to help make it with me. While we can’t really change workers or foster parents by using a coupon, I want them to be able to express their frustrations and desires and know that I’ll do all I can to meet their needs. I would appreciate your approval of my using your ideas for my personal purposes.
To be honest, I wasn’t exactly looking for what I’ve read from your blog. I started this search because I was trying to figure out what supplies (e.g. toys, arts & crafts supplies, clothes, personal care items, etc.) and furnishings (e.g. desk, toybox, art or homework display area, etc.) I should prepare in advance to have preschool or school-age children. I really appreciate your suggestion of having stuffed animals or soft toys that children can choose for their very own, and I certainly plan to move forward on that. Do you have other recommendations?
Thank you so much, LT. I wish I could be your family. I wish I could have been a foster parent for you. I wish I could invite you over to be part of my family for Easter, and I would give you the biggest friggin’ Easter basket you’ve ever seen. I suppose I’ll settle for creating a welcoming and loving home for any children who are given to our care.
Peace-
B
110.
Jade | April 22, 2012 at 7:35 pm
I am a part of a research group at California State University, Chico. We are conduction a 10-minute survey on the effects of foster care on intimate relationships on adulthood. You must be 18 years of age or older to participate. All information collected will be completely anonymous. We greatly appreciate your participation in this research. Please click the following link to proceed through the survey. Thank you!
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7VMX8XJ
111.
billie | April 25, 2012 at 6:05 pm
i have a friend who has multipte personality and he hurts himself. we can not get him any help, because one of his personality [it's always the same one] come out and lie to the doctors. tell them his wife and kids are crazy and they believe him. i don’t live in the state as this family and no one else will help my friends wife because one of the personality has did bad thing or stolen thing or attack them.
how can i help? is there anyone who will believe us. we were just up there this week end and my friend knows i know about the others and i asked the one who talks to the doctor to control all for the week end,[ so many people show up when we come to town] and we had a few issue but a good time was had by all .but yesterday he vanish then came home at 3 am with a 4″ long cut and about 3″ deep on his neck tell his wife he had to give flash for being good this week end.
i know you understand his issue and maybe your doctor can understand the issue the family is dealing with. they have two kids who are scared and confused. the wife can work she don’t know what she’ll come home too.
anyway if there is a phone no# or a place that will help please email me at: rollinsbillie@gmail.com billie
112.
billie | April 25, 2012 at 6:08 pm
sorry it’s = she can not work
113.
Kim | May 2, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Hi LT – I am writing from Ontario, Canada. My husband and I just started an adoption training program run by our Province. We are looking to adopt an older child from foster care (between 8-13, maybe older). We have two biological boys (ages 5 and 3). From your experience, are older children interested in having younger siblings? Would this make them feel left out? What advice would you give someone who wishes to add an older child to their family?
A lot of the information out there focuses on the negative aspects of waiting children and it’s hard to get a realistic but positive outlook.
Thank you for starting this blog. It’s given me a lot of great insight into what’s going on in the mind of the children and really gives me a lot of hope that we are going to find the child for our family.
114.
Kim | May 2, 2012 at 1:17 pm
“A lot of the information out there focuses on the negative aspects of waiting children and it’s hard to get a realistic but positive outlook. ”
I’m sorry. I just re-read this and I;m afraid I didn’t phrase my thought properly. What I meant to say is – that there seems to be too much focus on the problems and not enough on the positive traits of the waiting kids. I feel at the moment that the social workers etc. are trying to scare us off when I wish sometimes they’d share some hopeful stories with us as well.
115.
LooneyTunes | May 3, 2012 at 1:15 am
hi. i want to get back to you, but give me a day or two when my mood is better… ok?
116.
bigsis2020 | May 4, 2012 at 11:28 pm
Hi LT! I have a comment rather than question. I stumbled onto your blog by accident when I started my blog. I was days away from putting my brother and sister in the foster care system, our mom died and I can’t provide for them at the moment. I was under the impression the foster care would take care of them while I figured something out but…I am looking for other options now, thanks to your words and wisdom. Anywhere, including our car seems like a better option. Your voice matters!
117.
LooneyTunes | May 5, 2012 at 6:25 pm
hi. i am glad you found my blog too. please do what you need to keep your brother and sister out of foster care. it is not the answer and it might make things so much worse for them. foster care is hard. and putting them in, doesnt always mean you willt get them back.
look for help/services — housing subsidy, food stamps, church food pantries, etc. if you are worried about taking handouts, don’t be. if you were to put your siblings in foster care, someone would be paid to care for them.. i don’t know all about your situation, but i can tell you there is help for you.
it will be hard for you, but i think it would be harder living with “what” could happen to your siblings growing up in foster care.
if you wanted to share about your situation, i could post it and some of my readers might know lots more about caring for siblings and help that is available.
peace. good luck.
118.
Ross | May 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm
I want to share a link
http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/05/where-is-mommy-war-for-motherless-child.html
119.
Jo | May 14, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Just read you blog. Can I adopt you? Yeah I know, I’m only 27 and live on the other side of the world, but somehow your story touched my heart. I know, that sounds Hallmark-like, but it’s true.
I don’t live in the United States, but I’m afraid the foster care system works crappy all around the world and there are too many innocent victims of a failing system, also here in Europe.
Don’t give up the fight. You are so much stronger than you know. Hang in there!
120.
Eric B | May 15, 2012 at 9:39 am
Wife and I are buying books and researching on our path to adopt, not foster, but ADOPT a teenager or two. Your blog has been the most useful piece for us, and we are willing to pay for it. I think that these agencies that are utilizing your knowledge, they should be willing to throw some bills in the hat as well. Perhaps you can set up a PayPal link to facilitate such a thing. Heck, even a PO box so we can send a prepaid credit card or something. You wouldn’t want checks because the returned check will have a stamp of where it was processed and for some weirdo to stalk you or whatever, but hey, I’d send a prepaid credit card or something. Even a birthday card.
You are providing information that we flat out can’t get anywhere else. You are so good at this and have such a way with words, a great writer; I do think you have found your career path. You might as well start getting paid for it.
Another idea might be to show your blog to a place like the Dave Thomas Foundation or http://ampersandfamilies.org/ and have them utilize you in an official manner, complete with payment!!! This is how the most successful websites get started, at the grass roots level by a passionate person. I think you are already a big part of the solution to the problem you have observed in foster care and adotpion. Do not underestimate your value to us, or the potential for a career.
I’ll bug you with questions as they come up. Appreciate EVERYTHING!!!! Wish us luck!!!
121.
NEfostermom | May 15, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Hi LT,
I found your blog a few months ago and have read every single entry through today. My husband and I were foster parents a few years ago in another state. We are finally about to be re-certified in our new state, but this time we are looking forward to taking older kids. Last time we just took kids under 8. Now, we are opening our hearts to kids 5-18.
Your blog has given me much much insight into the tweens and teens that will be placed with us. Because of you, I have thought about comforters and sheets in foster care in a whole new way. More than that, I now have many ideas on how to make kids feel just a little more comfortable the first night and beyond. Thank you.
My question is simple. Ive seen it posted a few times on your blog, but if you answered it, I could find it (I can’t keep up with all the comments you get on each post):
How do you feel about, “I love you?” Should foster parents, in your opinion, say it immediately to traumatized hurt kids that probably have not experienced much true parental love? Or should we wait for a bond to be established?
Kids aren’t stupid. I remember being 13 and having a boy tell me he loved me after meeting him twice. I knew he didn’t, and couldn’t. Will teens see through it if a fp says it the first day/night/week? Shouldnt love be an action BEFORE it becomes words?
I realize each child is different. But I value your thought and opinions and believe you can offer a perspective on this that I perhaps have not thought about.
Thanks, and much peace!
122.
Tammy | May 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm
If I may be so bold as to speak up on behalf of a person I just “met” (found blog 5/19/2012), please allow me to point out one of LT’s blog entries: http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/if-no-one-ever-loved-you-can-you-ever-love/
I just read that one today, and can imagine much rage and inner turmoil surging up, in response to that question. Not because you (NEfostermom) said anything bad.
As a person who loves, I say, “I love you” to many people, both young and old. The responses vary, but they are always positive. To any who would ask, I say “yes”. Please DO say this.
123.
phyllis | May 22, 2012 at 3:40 am
hi i think ur blog is great my children was in foster care and my parental rights were taken away because of my x-husband but i didnt give up after five years i got the children back. they gave me gardenship with no help and i could not go after the dad for child support so i had to raise the children on what i had. not to metion that i was on disability through my company. they gave me the children back and told my to have a nice life with no help. didnt understand why at the time., but while they had them i had to pay child support and keep insurance on both of my children while the father didnt because he sign over his rights. social services sometimes mess up a child’s life more too if you talk too some of the foster children. i hope that you keep on telling your story and helping the foster childern understand. good job on your end.
124.
Kate D. | May 24, 2012 at 7:59 am
Dear LT,
Thank you so much for sharing your helpful wisdom. You ars such a brave and intelligent person. Your blog is so valuable to those (like me) who don’t know how the ‘system’ truly affects our youth. So, how can i help young adults who have ‘aged out’ or are about to age out? I am a married stay at home mom, and have time to assist those who want it. Located in central NJ. Could you please advise?
Thank you and God bless you. You are a true gift to all!
Kate