christmas reality … again.

I am family-less.

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You probably do not understand or comprehend the magnitude of what it feels like to be family-less.  To have no-one to call “relative,” let alone  a “mom.”   Knowing you don’t belong anywhere is bad.  But holidays are horrific.  Holidays send messages of family and love and good times; but when you are family-less, the messages just bring immense pain.

I feel for people who lost loved family members or are separated from family … I truly do.  I understand that people who lost loved ones feel sadness;  but it is very different than what I feel.  You have a connection, good and bad memories, trinkets or momentos, the ability to call up the soothing recollection of that family person.  Someone loved you, unconditionally.  You can remember that.

I have none of that.

Nowhere in the world, does anyone love me “just because” I am family or am wanted.

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No one wanted me at  age 8 or age 10 or age 13 or age 16 or up until the day I aged-out of foster care at 18 years old.  No family ever wanted me to be part of them.  It must say alot about me… a little skinny white kid that no-one wanted to adopt into their family.  My therapist says it doesn’t… but she is wrong.  NO-ONE wanted me in their family, because something is wrong with me.

It feels bad when your bio-family doesn’t want you; it gets worse when not one, not two, but multiple “foster” families don’t want you.

And yes, you can make your own family.  But I am so screwed up becuase of what has been done to me, I can barely function around men, let alone have a relationship with a boy to “make my own family.”   Emotionally I am around 8 years old… where I think boys are “cute” and maybe want to hang their poster on my wall.  Physically I don’t want them near me.  Hard to “make a family” if you can’t have intimate relationships.

And yes, you can make your own family through relationships with friends.   But at MY AGE, the reality is that those friends have their own “family” — mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles… and their immediate families!

I just want a family that’s mine.  It’s killing me.

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