ba-humbug. santa forgot me again. is it over yet?

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santa didn’t come this year…again.

nope.   must have passed right over my place.  i woke up christmas morning and looked around and everything was the same. the same shitty ceiling fan with exploding light-bulbs; the same old, beat-up, kitchen with decor and appliances from before i was born; the same closet, the same…you get the picture.

again my christmas wish was DENIED.  i was not given a FAMILY.  i was not greeted christmas morning by someone wanting to and capable of being my “mom.”  i was not greeted by “Comon’ LT, get the pets and let’s go HOME.”  i was not greeted by a woman with soft eyes and a sweet smile and a patient voice who gently grabbed my hand to take me HOME… no family… again.

nope.  i was greeted by the same old aloneness and silence that fills my life daily.  i was greeted by the same world i had put to sleep when i closed my eyes christmas eve.  santa didn’t come.  santa didn’t care.  santa never much cared.

i was not worthy of a FAMILY, i understand.  sadly,  i get it.  i spent years in foster care and no-one ever wanted me.  a skinny, blond white kid that no-one ever wanted.  i get it.  i get it santa.  you can’t do it.

but the other thing i asked santa for, was for him to kill me. KILL ME.   i didn’t even get that.  and shit, no one would ever arrest santa clause, so what is the problem?  it takes seconds to kill someone…it would not have slowed him down at all!

i guess i am not even worth the few seconds it would have taken to kill me.  not worth that stop.

how come santa doesn’t come to me?  some people ask for lots of stuff and expensive money stuff …and some people get santa every year.  i havent had much of santa in my life. seriously, i could probably count on one hand my positive experiences with santa.  what’s wrong with me?   i just asked for ONE of two things; FAMILY or KILL ME.   i got nothing.  am i that worthless?  that hated?

i knew it.  i always have.

i felt like crying.

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……many of you can’t understand it, but the magic that santa holds is the magic i need… i need a family.  i am dying inside.  who is alone inside.  who needs a family to help the insides.  don’t you see?   am i really so bad that santa doesn’t even care?

i don’t have alot of money but i got presents for the pets.  they cost $1.99 at target and one was red with white and one was green with white. as i predicted,  Moonlight destroyed hers in about 5 seconds; ripped it apart.   i got Harbor some catnip so he could get high.

but me…. santa forgot me again