screams from bad dreams break the nightime silence

when i wake up, i generally look like this picture — seriously.  my messy hair is usually more messy and i am usually fucking confused.

WHY?

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i have bad dreams so frequently.  if you read my blog regularly you have seen blog posts about them.  i have them all the time and as i have written, many are the same shit over and over and over.  i have had bad dreams for as long as i can remember.  the BEST help for my bad dreams came from Miss Liz, my very first foster mom.  when i came to her, i was hurting, scared, and little.  my feelings were acted out in my behaviors during the day and screams of terror at night.

Miss Liz would come into my room and gently wake me if i was still sleeping or comfort me with her voice if i was terrified and awake.   i never wanted to be touched or held, because i was terrified that it would lead to hurt and more pain. touch was bad to me.  her soothing voice was what helped me.  she would “orienant” me to where i was; describing the room, the colors, what was around me, telling me i was safe.  she would hand me a stuffed animal and my piece of blanket ribbon if they were lost to me.  she would sit there and sing sometimes.  as things calmed down, she would ask me questions like “what color was the dream LT?”  i would always respond black or purple, because they were dark to me.  she would then say something like “Feel the rays of yellow I am sending to you.”  it doesnt make sense really, but i knew that yellow was a “happy” color.  “Feel the yellow surrounding you.”  Miss Liz was a beautiful lady, who would sit with me as i battled the demons in my dreams.  She helped me back then…

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It seems nothing helps me now.  Dreams cans never die when the clock of terror keeps ticking…