Posts tagged ‘therapist’
Today I saw Dr. C, my psychiatrist, because I am so depressed. I must have looked like shit, because Dr. C asked me questions about sleeping, doing laundry, doing chores like brushing teeth, eating, and about cutting. I don’t think I ever told Dr. C that I cut, so my therapist, big-mouth Dr. Val, must have told her that.
I pretty much gave one word answers — no sleeping at night, yes sleeping all day; no doing laundry or any other chore; no good hygiene; yes eating lots of bad food and no eating good foods; yes to cutting, but that was it. I HATE questions.
Then Dr. C asked about suicide. I paused… and turned and looked directly at Dr. C and said:
“Dr. C, there is not one day that I don’t wish I were dead. I remember when I was a kid, laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing god would kill me….. I remember sitting in school wishing god would kill me…… I remember that almost every single day of my life I wish I were dead. I didn’t know who god was, but I wanted him to kill me.
…..and I still do.”
She looked sad and was pretty quiet. Then I felt bad and stopped looking at her.
My response to her was 100% honest. As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be dead. I can NOT remember a single age that I felt “happy to be alive.” Isn’t that sad? I used to wonder that if as an infant I wanted to be dead. I read once that infants whose needs are not met, just give up…for example, if an infant is crying because it is hungry and no-one ever responds, the infant learns that no-one can keep her/him safe or meet her/his needs. … so, the infant just gives up. Would that be the same thing as wanting to be dead?