today i knew i was a foster kid because…

… I woke up on the floor and had no clue where I was; what house, what state, where…  I only “came to” when my pets nudged me with their snouts.

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… I went to put my jeans on and they did not fit right.  Too big and falling down.  Many times my clothes or shoes never fit “right”… I learned to be comfortable in whatever.

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… I had a girly question … and no “mom-like figure” to ask.  Guess it can wait..

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… I saw a state car on my way to work and felt my mind drift to all the times I sat alone in the back of the vehicle listening to a worker tell me “this next place/home/family  will be a much better fit.”

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… At work, my boss tells us that the computer is down because the ISP is doing maintanence in the area.  I stand there clueless for a moment, because ISP used to mean my individual service plan.

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… A few minutes later, one of the guys at work says “Look at that GAL” … and I start looking for a fancy-dressed, slightly frazzled, case-carrying lawyer.

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…When a guest at the restaurant pulls out a green jello cup to give to her child, I almost vomited.  Jello is forever the cheap group home dessert.  PUKE!

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… In the restaurant, on the bus, in the world … there are lots of people sitting enjoying being with each other.  They are comfortable in social situations … but I am awkward, shy, and different… and have an extremely difficult time relating.

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… I get home and check that the little papers that I stick in my door as a “security measure” to make sure no-one enters my apartment, are still there.  Paper on the floor or moved means someone was in.  I also check the bathroom as I walk by to make sure my shower curtain is the direction I leave it.  Moved means someone was there or still in my apartment…  I NEVER FEEL SAFE.

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… As I write my blog tonight and look for pictures, I find this one which causes me great distress, as the first thing that flashes through my mind is “rape” –  because “daddy’s do *it* different.”

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… It is 2:00 AM and I am still up; afraid to sleep, afraid of the night, afraid of the dark, afraid of my mind… and very little comfort as I battle alone.

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… It seems I am branded for life with memories and brain signals that will keep bringing me back to places and times I want to move past … perhaps there really is no fading away of the past, that it haunts forever…