The Top 5 Stupid Questions that SUCK to Ask Someone Who Grew Up In Foster Care.
Very rarely do I tell people I grew up in foster care.
However, even when you try to keep your life secret, at some point you no longer can. People want to know where you graduated high school, where my parents live, why have I moved so much, etc, etc.
To most people these questions are not intrusive but normal questions….however, when you grew up in foster care, it is hard to explain and easier to keep a secret.
No matter how hard you try, at some point, foster care comes up…it just does.
Most people look a bit stunned at first when you say something like “I grew up in foster care” or “I was a foster kid”….and then they ask one of the following 5 Questions that SUCK to Ask People Who Grew Up in Foster Care.
Again in no particular order, because all these questions SUCK…
1) So, what did YOU do to get in there?
Usually I look stunned when people ask this. What on earth could a CHILD possibly do to get taken away and have to be raised by the state government? What? — Please tell me? Are you fucking kidding me when you ask this? The CHILD did nothing….the PARENTS/CARETAKERS did something wrong; very wrong.
When you ask me this, it makes me feel bad. I already think and feel everyday that I am a bad person. This question shows me that you believe this too.
2) Why weren’t you adopted?
How am I supposed to know? I was white, I was blond, I was little…but NO takers. My guess: “too old and too damaged.” My parent’s rights were terminated very quickly for “the system”…. but no-one wanted me.
That is what is comes down to. No-one wanted me.
When you ask this question, it reminds me of that. I feel it everyday, that no-one ever wanted me; I don’t need that reinforced by you.
3) a. How many foster homes did you have?
After someone asks this question and I give the answer then usually comes “wow, that’s alot.” How many is alot? 2, 10, 15 ,12 homes? How do they know? Listen, ONE is alot. Children don’t belong in foster care, period. Children belong in a family.
After that comes:
3) b. “Were the homes good?”
Please define good? a roof over my head? food on the table? not getting raped, but getting beaten daily? I grew up in one of the poorest and most dangerous cities in the united states. How good could it have been, when many foster parents simply took kids for the money?
What do you expect someone to really say to this question? No-one will tell you the truth. No-one will burden you with the pain…. and trust me, you don’t REALLY want to know.
4) “Do you see your parents now?”
Everytime someone asks me this, I am shocked and I cringe. This is an incredibly personal question. Clearly people who grew up in foster care do not have “normal parents”…hello? I usually become tongue-tied and filled with intense shame… because it’s not normal and people don’t understand. Just by asking this question, it shows they don’t understand.
Do I tell the truth? Do I spill what happened to me? …. Of course not. Not a single person could deal with the truth. If I gave it, those people would never talk with me again… because they can’t at all relate to my life.
So, I have to gulp and shake my head and try to mumble a “no, I don’t.” To which 50% of the time, I get “WHY NOT?”
Don’t ask this question(#4), it’s none of your business…
5) “It must have been fun living in all those different homes?”
This question makes absolutely no sense to me. How could it be “fun” moving all the time? How could it be “fun” sleeping in different beds, on different sheets, in different rooms? How could it be “fun” living with different rules and different expectations? How could it be “fun” never knowing where you are going to be living? How could it be “fun” having to goto so many different schools? How could it be “fun” not having any childhood friends because you are always moving? etc…
Don’t you see? There is nothing fun about growing up in foster care.
FUN is having a safe, permanent home where you know your own room and bed; where your friends live down the street and ring the doorbell to ride bikes; where you kiss your first teen crush on the swing that you pushed your childhood friends; where you come home and recognize the people because you have been with them all your life or a large part of your life; and where you can go anytime as you age because they are your family…That is “fun.”
Next time you meet someone who grew up in foster care, remember this blog and don’t ask stupid, hurtful questions. We don’t want to answer them.
Entry filed under: Foster Care. Tags: adoption, aged-out foster kids, birthparents, child abuse, family, Foster adults, Foster Care, foster homes, foster kid, foster parents, never adopted, questions NOT to ask foster kids, Top 5 questions that SUCK.