Stop the Stigma! — Myths and Rumors About Foster Kids That Need to Die.

June 13, 2010 at 8:51 pm 29 comments

I have written before that the stigma associated with being a foster kid is paralyzing.  Why?  Because of the myths that people believe about foster kids or about people who grew up in foster care..  Many times  people who “think” they know about foster care say wrong or damaging things, because they really don’t know.  I don’t understand why people who are NOT affiliated with foster care (either as a kid, parent, or worker, etc) think they have ANY CLUE about what really goes on in the foster system.  YOU DON’T.

Most times, these people that are not at all related to foster care just perpetuate the myths that are damaging and hurtful.  Here are the major myths that damage foster children and create stigma.  In no particular order…

1)  Foster kids did something to get put into foster care.  They behaved badly, attacked someone, killed someone (yes, someone once asked me who I killed!) or are juvenile delinquents.  I simply don’t know where this myth comes from, but in the majority of cases, foster kids are kids that have been abused, neglected, or abandoned by their bioparents.  WE ARE THE VICTIMS and did nothing to wind up in foster care!

In the fact the other day I read something where someone used the word “apprehended” to describe how foster kids are taken by CPS.  Look up apprehended and you will see it means “to take into custody” or “to arrest” — this word is used for criminals.  NOT foster kids.

In most cases, there is NOTHING any child could do to be forced away from parents and into the care of the state…NOTHING.  We are/were kids.

.

2) Foster kids are going to kill your pets and rape your other children and burn your house down.   Let’s be real here…Yes, there are some children who are so incredibility traumatized that they have severe attachment disorders that result in these types of behaviors.

But the MAJORITY of kids in care do not do these things.  The majority of foster kids hurt themselves instead of hurting others.  And yes, they will act-out until they feel safe.  Acting out includes yelling, not listening, hitting, writing on walls, breaking things, running away, stealing, etc.  But in time, with understanding, compassion, help, guidance, and the “L” word, many of these behaviors “calm down.”

Please see some of my other blog topics to read about my “behaviors.”  Folks, I was no angel.  I was a scared kid who did not trust or believe anyone “cared about me.”  And I had some “labels” that were red flags for acting-out…but I never did the things that myths are made of.

And yes, it takes a special person to raise children with severe attachment disorders, but it can be done.  They are wonderful people trying to heal the pain caused by others to children.   Do not  blame the children for this…again the reason they act this way is because they have been hurt — REALLY hurt.

.

3)  Foster kids are all developmentally delayed.  No.  Most foster children are fine but have problems with schooling and other tasks because living in foster care is wrong.  Every time a child is moved, they fall behind in school.  You can’t learn correctly when you are worried about where you are going to live.  You can’t learn correctly when you worried about being so different compared with everyone else.   You can’t learn correctly when the teachers and foster parents DON’T CARE.  We aren’t developmentally delayed at birth…..we become delayed in the school system for many reasons.

.

4)  “All foster kids are going home therefore I don’t want to adopt through social services, because I can’t deal with losing the kids.”   OH CRAP, I hate this one

There are hundreds of thousands of kid WAITING right now to be adopted.  They need a home.  Not all kids go home!

Here are the numbers, folks….

50-60% of foster kids are reunited with their biological parents

10% head to kinship care

Therefore —-     30-40% of kids  need a family!!!!

Stop this myth.  Yes, the children might not be “healthy white newborns”, but there are so many children who need a family right now.  If you love children, these are the ones that need you.   Check this out……  http://www.adoptuskids.org/ or contact your local social services for other really neat kids.

.

5) Foster kids are ungrateful little bastards.  Ouch.  No, in fact we are usually very grateful, but as a child, we are also very confused.  Just imagine being ripped away from your bio-family, no matter how shitty they were, and now are living in a different home, with different rules, with different people, with different everything….and being scared shitless because you are “used to living in your world” — and “not theirs.”

I am very grateful to all those foster parents in my life who were “good-enough” foster parents — for the caring they showed me, for the things they taught me, for the happiness at times I felt, for the honesty, for the help, for the trying, and for everything else.  As a child, I might not have always shown it, but as a young adult, I recognize the value of the people that passed through my life — that tried to “help and heal me.”

Foster kids are not ungrateful… even when we write about the “wrongness” of the system.  I am alive to write about the “wrongness” because of the foster parents and the workers…and I am grateful for what they did.  But that does NOT mean that they could not have done better or that the system is perfect….

I lived in homes that were horrible and not safe.  THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.  I aged-out with nothing.  THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.  I was never adopted.  THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.  I was left to drift in school.  THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.  I needed real mental health treatment and never got it.  THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.

It’s not about being “ungrateful,” because we are not; it’s about making people realize that things need to be better for the  kids still in care.  We CAN do better…the kids need it.  And I am grateful that people are trying….

.

Advertisements

Entry filed under: Foster Care. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

Happy 18th Birthday! Get your ass out of my house — you are aging out. Foster kids kicked out with nothing. What makes a good foster mom? … … a reader asks.

29 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Laurie  |  June 13, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    Well said. Nothing worth doing is risk free. All children deserve a safe family.

    Reply
  • 2. Chrome  |  June 14, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    I am so grateful for your blog. I can not express how much your words have meant to me. I hope you continue to write.

    Reply
  • 3. Jennifer Little  |  September 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    I’m a foster parent of 6 currently, and have had over 40 children pass through my home in the last 5+ years. All have been reunited except the 6 I have now and we’re working toward adoption. I also have 2 that aged out, one is at the US Naval Academy and has to be one of the brightest most mature children I’ve ever been graced to know. She will forever be my daughter even though there is not legal paperwork between us now. Her older sister is also my “daughter”. I am fortunate to know many GOOD foster parents and unfortunately I see quite a few that don’t have their hearts in the right place. God Bless You! One day at a time we can change the negative thoughts that go with the words foster child and foster parent. Be strong and live in God’s word.

    Reply
    • 4. angelsinheaven  |  November 3, 2012 at 5:35 pm

      I am glad to read this post and Jennifer Little’s response. So many negative statistics, and I was hunting online to see what the statistics are for foster children who get adopted…don’t seem to be any?? Or I didn’t google the right combo of words? No one tracks the kids after adoption?? Ever? It’s nice to read the success of a foster child who is now in the Naval academy. I have one foot stuck in fear and uncertainty and the other in the desire to wrap a child in my arms and give them a forever home. Lots of prayer and consideration lay before me. Do I have the needed skills? Will I be able to meet this child’s needs? Am I patient enough? Will I get a child I can work with? Or will I get handed a child I can’t cope with and cause more harm to them and us if they prove to be more than I can take and we don’t adopt them? Will the social worker listen if I am honest and really match us well? So much to think about and no way to know the answers unless I take the chance. I keep reading this blog endlessly and I must go do my house work! I am captivated, shocked, saddened, appalled and enlightened. But this was exactly what I was scouring the web for – the view through a child’s eyes. Thanks L.T. for sharing so that I can make a more prepared decision and IF I chose to foster/adopt I can be a more savvy parent. At very minimum I think this will all give me insight into being there for my sexually abused great nieces (abuser is in prison, kids are with my niece their bio mom and safe).

      Reply
  • 5. abby's momma  |  September 6, 2010 at 12:02 am

    I’m so pleased that you are taking the time to really write this out. Yes, it is certainly of benefit to others to do this, but there are such huge benefits for you too. You are really getting the situation figured out. The rights, the wrongs, how yes you could have done some things differently but these particular aspects of the system set you up for trouble. I think folks have* to do this to set healing into motion. Good for you.

    Reply
  • 6. socialjerk  |  September 6, 2010 at 1:08 am

    My godson was adopted out of foster care when he was 3. I could not believe the things my aunt and uncle were told when they were going through the adoption process. People actively tried to discourage them from adopting this awesome kid, saying things like he would have behavioral issues, he would have attachment disorder and never love them, etc. He is now 15, and the sweetest, greatest kid in the world. I’m do grateful that my aunt and uncle did what they did. It’s a huge part of why I went into social work, and why I hope to adopt through the foster care system some day. Great post, by the way.

    Reply
  • 7. PhotoSynthesis Prod. (@IthacaPSP)  |  August 10, 2011 at 11:26 am

    All of these myths not only contribute to kids feeling out of place, unlovable, undeniably “different” and but it creates a false identity for them based on one detail of the their lives. Foster kids are kids first and should be treated like individuals. Thanks for the touching and well written article.

    Reply
  • 8. Ernest Myer  |  February 28, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    as a foster kid i was bounced around because the system that i was in wanted to find me a good home but never could and the ones that where perfect they wouldnt let me just stay they put me back into a home that was bad for me but one home i was in loved me soo much god bless them they made me actually feel like i was their kid and i tried to help the other kids who felt as i did before i went to their home fell like i did it helped in some cases but there where two that never want to be part of a family other than their biological family so they lashed out but my foster parents never gave up they helped me become what i am today i did have to drop out of school but i now have my ged im working at ta local wendys and im ernrolled in collage i would like to thank all the foster parents who actually love foster kids and help us as for reason two that is in more case’s reversed my sister was adopted and was raped by her adoptive dad and her adoptive mother lied and tried to help her we as foster kids can become more victamized because we are seen as no one will care were just foster kids this people needs to stop someone somewhere would love us if you just want us as sexual playthings then leave us alone we dont need you to tramatize us and make it more difficult to love people i for one find that i fall in love to quickly but i love my fiance and we will be having my first baby may 17 2012 thank you for the help with trying to help people actually understand what it is like for us foster kids

    Reply
  • 9. survivorsofcps  |  March 11, 2012 at 9:59 am

    1. I was not violent either but I was angry. I did nothing wrong but neither did my bioparents. I was ahem stolen because my mom was poor and disabled. I HATE that bioparents are all stereotyped as violent psychopathic aggressive people.

    2. I ran away but had nowhere to go. My foster parents gave up on me. 😛 Not all social workers or foster parents are good. My social worker did not help me.

    3. I did very good in school and even went to college.

    4. I never went back home but I should have.

    5. Yes, I was ungrateful. I was stolen by the system, abused bc of it and then i was placed in foster care. What did I have to be grateful for? Abuse & abadonment. 😦

    Reply
  • 10. Dodgester  |  April 13, 2012 at 1:09 am

    I am not a fan of the foster care system because of all the things I went through in the 1970’s and 1980’s with the foster care system. Even prior to the foster care system, I already had 2 life strikes, both caused by a high fever of 102F and a right ear ache combined when I was 10 months old, which caused the learning disability primarily in language and the epileptic seizures. I went into the foster care system permanently in December 1978 at the age of 8 and I was emancipated from the system at the age of 19 in June 1990, when I graduated from high school. This foster care system was my 3rd strike in life as a child, which had set the stage for school officials and my guardians to treat me as if I couldn’t make it in life. Just like in baseball, 3 strikes and you are out, and that’s how I was treated for the most part by the adults.

    I was initially pulled out of my mom’s home due to her physically abusing me to such an extreme, the state had to pull me out of her home for my own protection. But instead of the beatings going away, the beatings took place on school grounds by gangs of older bigger kids during recess time. To make things worse, when I had let the school officials know about it, they simply either told me to ignore it or they didn’t want to hear it. Yet, when I was more or less forced to fight back out of self defensed, I was the one punished by the school officials with none of the other kids punished, and to add further insult to injury, my foster parents further punished me as they sided with the school officials rather than hearing me out.

    Of the 13 schools I went to as a child (including the 3 schools before I became a ward of the state), only 2 of them treated me with respect right from the start. The first one is a residential school at Whaley Children Center in Flint, MI, which is a school specifically designed to help kids out who has life issues to deal with. It was there I had a teacher who more or less taught me how to learn for my own self and gave me a tool that was a big help, but not only part needed to overcome my learning disability primarily in language. This was the first of 3 major turning points I had in my life growing up. However, this would not end my issues with the public school system. The only other school that treated me with respect right from the start was Genesee Area Skill Center also in Flint, MI. All of the remaining 11 school are/were your regular public schools, and none of them treated me with the proper respect right from the start. Some of them allowed the beatings to take place, and some of them treated me like I couldn’t learn anything and would purposefully hold me back. One of them also used the capital punishment on me all cause I had problems doing the homework which was in the subject area of English, where my learning disability was directly impacting my learning capacity. This capital punishment took place when I was in the 1st grade, prior to me going into the foster care system.

    Eventually, the school officials at the regular public high school did treat me with the proper respect and even admitted to me they were wrong for applying those myths to me. However, that didn’t happen until I had majorly outwitted all of them on the software side of computers in my sophomore year of high school within the first 2 weeks in the fall semester of 1987, and I also became one of the top cross country runners within the state of Michigan despite the fact I had to strategize my races in regards to the seizures to minimize the chances of them things happening while I’m in the various races given how bad them things had gotten with me to the point I ended up having the laser brain operation done in July 1991 at University Hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio to get rid of them things permanently. It’ a real shame when someone has to be #1 at something that is meaningful to others in order to get recognized when one has other life issues to contend with.

    Don’t get me wrong, I still learned some very important life lessons that was more or less forged onto me by such abusive acts of the adults and gangs of kids (Which I blame the adults, not the kids for such acts), no child should be put such abusive environment to learn such life lessons. Instead, such children should still be challenged as spoon feeding them won’t do either, so as life lessons will still stick with them, but rather it should be done in a controlled manner where they are not neglected and abused by others. And you know what the sad thing about it all? People wonder why I had school and have no trust in our education system. It’s not the education itself as the knowledge part is there (or at least it was when I was in school, which that has degraded over the years now), but it’s the fact how kids who don’t fit into the norm are treated very poorly in one way or another as if they don’t matter in life.

    People say educators have a lot more knowledge today about these issues than they did 30 years ago. I will grant them that much as that is true, but the implied statement of such kids are being treated better today than they were 30 years ago, I still don’t see that happening. Yes, their direct life issues might be getting addressed, but their social life issues are still very much so NOT being addressed. Hecks, for that matter, my second oldest has ADHD, and her 2nd grade teacher was pinning all of the negative actions of another student onto her. I had a rather quite frank discussion with both the principle and assistant principle about the situation and said while the issue is relatively small at the time, it needed to be dealt with ASAP because if they didn’t, the kids were going to pick up on it, and then the kids would beat the living tar out of her just as what happened to me when I was in grade school. I did end up pulling her out of the school though for other reasons, but in hind sight, it showed it was a very good thing I did cause that school got to be very bad. The beatings of kids onto other disabled/disadvantaged kids did eventually take place, just as I had told them it would, if they didn’t deal with the issues ASAP.

    This only goes to show while school officials may have knowledge about various disabilities, they still don’t have a handle on how to deal with the social life issues. We are all humans. As humans, we can pick up on things very quickly, but we also have a major tendency to fall victim to human tendencies to the point some of us humans even commit heinous crimes that only hurt others that much more.

    Like survivorsofcps, other than for the life lessons I learned, what was there for me to be grateful of the foster care system. Instead of the abuse going away after I was pulled out of my moms home, the abuse got that much worse as it became daily and it was to the point I had to become emotionless in order to minimize some of the physical abuse on school grounds.

    Despite the fact I went through all of this abuse and neglect, I learned a lot of life lessons, and being in the foster care system did give me a lot of experiences to draw off from, which then allowed me to break the abusive cycle. However, no child should go through such abusive environment all because they have life issues (life strikes) to deal with while growing up. As such, my big dream is to be able to help such kids out and improve their social life situation while also showing the adults these kids can do things regardless what issues they have to deal with. The only real requirement of the adults is to give these kids with life issues a real chance, which means these adults will be forced to fight off human tendencies. This also means a system must be put into place so as the very adults that want to help out such kids aren’t forced to give into political fears and ignore the kids such as teachers should not be punished for helping out such kids by the higher ups all because they acted outside of their job duties. As such, many teachers fear of losing their employment thus fear they won’t be able to provide for their own family if they were to help such kids out. Even out in the rural areas, it’s just as bad because many of the adults fear if they were to even admit there was a such situation taking place, it would lead to the blame game, which then they fear that would end up breaking up their social/economic group, which then they also would be severely hurt in many ways. As such, there must be a way to fight off these types of issues in life so as the adults don’t have the excuse of political fear, or saying the problem is too big to solve (like in major cities). Me personally, I was forced to learn all of the rules including teh unwritten rules of the adult game, strategize within the rules of their game, and majorly beat them at their own game. I had to learn this before I was even in high school.

    Yes, I graduated from high school with a GPA of 3.62/4.0 or 10th out of 115 students in my class. That including the fact I had 25 credit hours for the 4 years instead of the normal 24 credit hours including takeing up Accounting and Computing in the junior year, and then advanced in Accounting my senior year which by today’s standards all of that accounting education would be equivalent to being put through the junior year of college education in the Accounting major. I did all kinds of things around the high school via the NHS, one of the top cross country runners in the state of MI, and even made it to state by placing 4th out of between 400 and 600 students in Business Math. Back in the 9th grade, the school officials attempted to stick me in “General Math” for a third straight year but only claim it was high school level all because of my learning disability that wasn’t even in Math, but rather the LD being in Language. I hated being treated like I couldn’t learn anything or being told I couldn’t do something such as Algebra when I was already doing it before I was even in the class When I went through that education assessment test like any child in special education does, I was given mulitple choice questions in subject matters I didn’t even have the classes on and I was getting those answers right. You see, I have been gifted to think logically while the LD also forced me to learn the art of memorization and between these 2 skills, that’s how I overcame the LD issue.

    Reply
  • 11. Stephanie  |  June 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Bravo! That was a great article. Keep writing and being a voice!!!! Good job.

    Reply
  • 12. Desi  |  October 23, 2012 at 10:33 am

    I was a foster kid who aged out of the system also with nothing and I just grauated in may of this year. I was promised to be adopted at the age of 16 and the foster parents then backed out because I was to damaged. I was not a violent person never have been and never will b. My parents were abusive and they weer addicted to drugs and everyday even though they had hurt me so much i just wanted to be back with them. I even went through a termination process for my foster parents so they could adopt me. I have since gone on to college yes i have only been out of care for a couple of months but i feel like even though i had some really shitty homes that if it was not for the system i wold not be here today.

    Reply
  • 13. billie haddix  |  October 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU! i know there are good foster homes and there are bad ones, by god’s grace, the good ones are the majority. this writer sides with the children. i have had many children i my home, not as a foster parent—a friend in need. they were the children of drs.. lawyers, and Indian chiefs. some were neglected, abused and thrown away. while in my home, they were my children.. they were treated with love, respect and as individuals. i never accepted pay for them. MY ADVICE TO ALL OF YOU IS TO BECOME GOOD FOSTER PARENTS. IF ALL THESE NOTES ARE SINCERE,, THEN, YOU DO NOT NEED CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN/BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN.. THERE ARE MILLIONS OF CHILDREN IN TROUBLE THAT NEED (YOU ).. there are children of all ages that need the love, CARE AND RESPECT THAT ONLY YOU CAN SUPPLY THEM. PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS AND DO IT. THIS WRITER HAD NO MOTHER NO FATHER. I HAVE BEEN RAPED, ASSAULTED, BATTERED. I LEARNED EARLY THAT THERE IS ONLY YOU. THIS KNOWLEDGE GAVE ME SPIRIT. GOD WAS MY ONLY FRIEND AND FAMILY..BY THE TIME I WAS 16, I COULD GET ANYTHING DONE. PEOPLE CAME FOR FAVORS AND I DID IT. I GRADUATED COLLEGE WITH MY B.A. IN SOCIAL WORK AND COUNSELING . I CHALLENGE ALL OF YOU TO BE GOOD FOSTER PARENTS. YOU CAN SAVE THEM FROM THE ABUSE OF BAD FOSTER CARE—YOU HAVE BEEN THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR NEEDS ARE. DON’T COMPLAIN—-ACT!!!! GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL.

    Reply
  • 14. DarlinTxn  |  November 8, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing. My heart openly hurts for you for not finding your forever family, but I hope that you will turn that into a positive and help others. My husband and I are beginning the adoption process and face a lot of these myths from family and friends. It is our goal, first and foremost, to be matched with a child who really needs us, who we can help, and love and allow to grow into the wonderful human being we know they can be. We don’t expect it to be easy, but parenting is a hard job regardless of how the child comes to you! But we also strive to eliminate the stigma, one person at a time. By sharing our journey and talking openly with people we meet, we hope that we can begin to remove the stigma of foster care and adoption and perhaps inspire more people to do the same.

    Reply
  • 15. Joan  |  December 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I hope it’s okay that I am quoting you for a paper of mine about children in foster care. I am giving you full credit of everything I say, and your work with be cited correctly. Thanks! Great blog.

    Reply
  • 16. Ashley  |  December 4, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I love your blog. I am hoping that you would allow me to use it within a paper I am writing for one of my social work classes,which is on the stigmas children who were/are in foster care face. I hold this topic very close to my heart as I was a foster child throughout my childhood and faced such stigmatization.

    Reply
  • 17. krystal  |  December 6, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    hey. is it ok if i use your plog for a research paper? i will sight it properly.

    Reply
  • 18. Katya  |  January 9, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    we re going thru foster to adopt process( licensing)now, ur blog is great!

    Reply
  • […] “Foster kids did something to get put into foster care.  They behaved badly, attacked someone, killed someone (yes, someone once asked me who I killed!) or are juvenile delinquents.  I simply don’t know where this myth comes from, but in the majority of cases, foster kids are kids that have been abused, neglected, or abandoned by their bioparents.  … Read More.” […]

    Reply
  • 20. Dahart  |  February 12, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    I would like to use your post in my career analysis paper for English Comp ii. You will be cited correctly of course.

    Reply
  • 21. Jess  |  March 8, 2013 at 9:09 am

    I would also like to use your blog for a social work paper. I, of course, will properly cite you.

    Reply
  • 22. Angie  |  August 31, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    I am a prospective Foster/Adoption parent. We had a class to help us learn the situations that the children go through and we hopefully have learned how to help them. We have a dedicated facebook page that is only seen by those that have taken the class. I would like to share your article with them, if that is OK. I like that you explained how you felt and gave us some insight as to what you really had to deal with.

    Reply
  • 23. lea  |  October 20, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    I am equally repulsed by the myths. The all kids go home or aren’t adoptable is ine i found perpetuated by those workers who were suppose to be finding homes for them. 3 foster agencies later i think we finay found one who knows what is right. i hope you can find some peace in knowing there are some who are fighting to help our children in need of a home and family even if temporary.

    Reply
  • 24. Gloria Rivers  |  March 10, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    I have to say, your stories, your tips, your insight, they are moving me deeply. I am a new foster mom, and I think of my foster son… I wonder how many times his misbehavior is a mere cry for help. He is so hurt. Today I want to tell him again how much I believe he is worth it.
    Thank you!

    Reply
  • 25. annamain  |  November 24, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    … You’re the first person who I’ve come across that knows. I wish I could just talk to you and be friends with you somehow.

    I was in foster care and all that- then when I was 13 I was adopted by my aunt, who was also the person that thankfully removed me from my bio mom, but she put me in the system after living with her for about a month after I left my biomom. I remember the day I talked to her on the phone in foster care, thousands of miles away. She asked me if I would like to live with her and be adopted by her and it was like a feeling of “finally, this is all over and I can’t believe this is all over”. But living with her was hard. She adopted me then had children of her own and she treated me like a housemaid and was always mad at me for being ungrateful. My uncle, her husband- I don’t talk to him at all, but when I was a kid living wit him most of the interaction I had with him was him blowing up at me if I took a pinch of shredded cheese out of the bowl when he was making nachos for the family or something else like that. I could never just be one of the people living in their house- I was always walking on glass, thanking them profusely for everything and at their call at any moment. And on many days, they’d tell me to “get out of our sight, don’t come back for 4 hours” and I’d ride my bike all over town or walk to the beach and just sit and wait until I could go back to their house. I felt like a massive burden, ugly and disgusting (my aunt was and is obsessed with appearances), and I believed I was never thankful enough or happy enough for anything or good enough. They had this photo on their fridge of cousins of my uncle’s three daughters, my age, in bikinis, tall and thin and beautiful and so happy. I had never met them or knew them or anything but that picture was on the fridge in our house in West Seattle, and it moved with us to be on the fridge in our new house in Poulsbo, and I would stare at it and wonder if I would be more thankful if I was pretty like those girls and happy like those girls. It’s hard to explain.

    I am a lot better these days. I have children of my own. I take care of myself mentally and I’ve worked trough a lot but things still hurt or are completely weird to me. The family I have now with my husband and his big family are all proud people who aren’t good at expressing a lot of emotion, but boy when we need them they’re there no questions asked. And they’re kind, and they include me, and they let me be who I am when I am around them and they don’t resent or hate my presence. I am healing and learning to trust them. I trust my husband and boy over the years I’ve put him through a lot. And I do my damnest to make my girls know how proud of them I am and how center of my life they are and how loved and included they are. And they never owe me a damn thing. If I ever got brave enough to take on foster kids or adopt out of the system (I’d like to someday) I would do the same for them.

    Reply
  • 26. Tanya  |  March 16, 2015 at 7:50 pm

    I hope its ok that I am quoting you in a paper I am doing on the stigma’s of foster children. I am citing correctly and you are given full credit. I agree wholeheartedly on all of these!! Keep it up 🙂

    Reply
  • 27. Mayra  |  December 21, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    My 14 yrs old daughter is currently in foster care and i miss her every second of the day. I am not her aggressor but she is very traumatized by the events that happened to us and don’t want to come home. In the next couple of weeks, we may try a reunification session. If that does not goes well, she will move to her next foster care plan goal: ADOPTION. Wishing she decides to come home, the adoption specialist stand ready for the Family Partnership Meeting. I cry, sob and wail at nights. And Pray to God either to bring her back or take my life. I can’t live without her, one more day.

    Reply
  • 28. antonia pendlington  |  July 4, 2016 at 7:03 am

    Hi, if you could email me that would be great. I am currently in care and working for childrens services (i know). i love your writing. it is the only piece i have read which has read my mind and put it into the words i could never seem to write. i want to use your writing so if you could email me asap that would be fab. Thank you

    Reply
  • 29. Jasmin Love  |  October 2, 2016 at 8:57 pm

    Hi!! I love this blog. I am currently in Grad school getting my MSW and I am writing a paper. Some of the information that you wrote in your blog would be great in my paper. I saw that you said to leave a comment asking if we could use some of the info you wrote. Would you mind if I used some of the info you wrote about? I would of course Reference and cite you in the paper. Thanks so much! let me know!!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


COPYRIGHT NOTICE

This blog is copyrighted.
I know that means you can't take my writing without my permission. If you do, something can happen.
Plus, that is just a real shitty thing to do -- take someone's thoughts -- so don't do it!

I am happy if you want to use my writing to help those involved in the foster care system, but please, leave a comment asking if it is ok and letting me know.

Peace.

Copyrighted 2009-2015

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

WAKE UP FOLKS

They help foster kids!!

Click to find out more! -- Support them if you can!


%d bloggers like this: