If no-one bought me, well…can I buy a Mom?

September 6, 2010 at 7:44 pm Leave a comment

So, since the foster care system is set-up to find children for a family and people pay some money to adopt the children — since I aged-out without a family, is there someplace I can buy a Mom?  I’m serious? — I fucking need one and well; if we can buy everything else in the world including family members….well, where can I buy a Mom?

I don’t think I would be as selective as alot of people are when they adopt children.  I don’t care about race, I don’t care about weight or height, I don’t care about age (that is a big one when adopting children!) — and shit, I don’t care about wealth or education or looks.  Nope…..

Here are my requirements:   won’t hurt me, wont’t sell me, gentle, funny, creative…..”momish”. Not too many requirements….



Where Can I Buy A Mom?


Sometimes I get private comments sent to me; usually from foster kids or foster parents.   Recently I received perhaps one of the best notes yet from a long-time reader who is also a foster mom  — clearly this person thinks I NEED A MOM too, as this is what her email said to me below in red. (my responses below in black)

Mind you this email made me crack up which was nice as I am horribly depressed, because well, she sounds like a mom, who from reading my blog decided I needed the following advice:


LT – I know that you think a mom would help you so let me give you some momisms.

good!  i need some advice because i am a lost soul and really confused about life.  i need a mom really bad. you are a mom and a foster mom, i think.  you have been reading for awhile, so you have probably read about me.  at first i think you took offense to something i wrote, but you have stuck around…..so, that is a good sign… you didn’t leave.  lay it on me…


1)  Listen to the dr.  They went to school to learn how to help you.

that’s #1?…  for real?  of all the advice in the world you can give, I get this????  what about advice about life and relationships and my fucking messy hair, and, and…..

…..ok, well i am trying.   are they listening to me?  Selective hearing is a problem with drs.! — you know?


2)  You are beautiful.

you’ve never seen me.  they say beauty is in the EYE of the beholder.  when you see me, i bet you would change this momism to something like “you are funny.”

shit stays shit — it’s never really beautiful.


3) You need to eat better.  Try more veggies.

what?  can i come over for dinner?  that might solve my problem?

and wait, i have been eating sweet potatoes — is that a vegetable?    does it still count covered in butter and sugar?


the response….

4) Freaking eat something green.  Not jello.  Peas are kinda sweet.  Try them first.  They could be like a “gateway” veggie.  Soon you would be in a 12 step program.  “MY name is LT and I eat veggies”.

peas?   peas? ah…..peas? — can I come over for dinner?


5) Clean up your mouth.

what the fuck?  — sometimes 4-letter words say it better than more-lettered words.  not to mention, further down in momisms,  #7, the “mom” herself uses a 4-letter word (see below folks!!).  what kind of advice is this, when the mom is modeling otherwise?   HUH?

alright, true.  for a “girl” my mouth is foul.  — sometimes i even get an “LT!” at work when i say “shit” or “fuck” or “crap”.  it has gotten worse lately.  wonder what that means? — maybe i should talk about this with Dr. Val, who sucks.


6)  Kill the mother fers with kindness. (my kids love that one)

at first i was like “fers?”.….  what?  then i realized this was short for muther fuckers.  oops, i failed at that “clean up my mouth” momism, #5. practice makes perfect….and i need a lot of practice.

anyway, how does kindness kill?   i never heard this saying before….in my world, knives kill and fists and guns.  kindness?    — i don’t get it?


7)  Smile even when you are down.  It might make someone elses day better, it might make you start feeling better, and it will piss off anyone who is trying to bring you down.

Hey, thanks for making me smile with the unsolicited advice.  Your kids are lucky to get this kind of advice along the way….although if they have to eat alot of fucking peas, well……..

….can i come over for dinner?


So, see…I need a mom.  Advice is priceless.  Guidance is priceless.  Help is priceless.  Don’t you see, I really need one?

Do you know how I feel when I see Moms read to their kids, play with their kids, be at the swing with their kids, have coffee and lunch with their kids, pay the bill with their kids, laugh with their kids, listen to their kids, hug their kids, look at their kids, touch their kids gently, smile at their kids, call their kids, make normal rules for their kids, etc….I NEED THAT

I am so fucking tired of being Mom-less…. where can I buy one?

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Stop the Stigma! — Myths and Rumors About Foster Kids That Need to Die. What makes a good foster mom? … … a reader asks.


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I know that means you can’t take my writing without my permission. If you do, something can happen.
Plus, that is just a real shitty thing to do — take someone’s thoughts — so don’t do it!

I am happy if you want to use my writing to help those involved in the foster care system, but please, leave a comment asking if it is ok and letting me know.


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